CMV, Sex is an essential part of a long term relationship, without it relationships lose their love and end badly.

wtknight · 2022-08-31T17:50:09+00:00

People needing to find partners who want sex as frequently as they do is what’s important. As you hint at with asexuals, there are plenty of couples who don’t have sex all that much because they are lower libido people who have happy relationships.

taco_smasher69 · 2022-08-31T18:55:38+00:00

I was married to an asexual woman. Worst years of my life. I always looked down on cheaters and infidelity, and begged my wife to get counseling, watch porn, anything. Yet she refused. I repeatedly told her I loved her but would seek sex outside our marriage if things didn’t change, she told me I was a sex maniac for wanting sex more than once a year.

Long story short, we are no longer together. And I would rather be single and never touch another human being again for the rest of my life than to be in a sexless marriage.

When I started having sex with regular loving people again — the feeling was indescribable. It’s like being able to walk around without 100lbs of dead weight tied to your back. It’s like being beaten with a happiness stick. Having a woman love you and actively seek sex with you is one of the greatest feelings I've ever felt and went so many years without it that I had no idea what I was missing.

Nothing, nothing is worse than feeling lonely when you are married to someone that won’t touch you and makes you feel like shit for wanting to be touched.

Never again.

Lysa_Bell · 2022-08-31T18:09:17+00:00

I think in a lot of LTR a lack of physical intimacy is just a symptom of a different relationship problem. It's a measurement how well a couple is connected and on the same wavelength. How they can be intimate together and crave that from each other. As soon as it's expected it becomes a chore. It's should be a fun thing to do together. That's what it means "you shouldn't expect it". A good sex life needs to be maintained like a nice garden by both people.

Flightlessbirbz · 2022-08-31T18:13:55+00:00

Chicken vs egg effect. More like people whose relationships are falling apart, usually don’t want to have sex anymore. People in happy relationships usually want to have sex, unless they are low libido, getting older, or sick. Sex is more like a barometer than something that will fix a bad relationship.

baresquad · 2022-08-31T17:54:20+00:00

Maybe the people saying sex shouldn’t be expected in a relationship are just those exceptions who’s relationships don’t need sex?

I don’t get what’s there to change when you simply don’t have to date them in favor of people who think sex is important in a relationship

If you stay with somebody who you’re not sexually compatible with, that’s your fault

WilliamWyattD · 2022-09-01T12:07:35+00:00

The OP is right that frequent sex should be expected in most relationships when people are young.

However, things are more complex as we age. It is possible that the male expectation that they get to stay sexual well past middle age is wrong, and causing a lot of problems. There is a possibility that most normal healthy relationships should begin to go post-sexual when people hit their forties.

Acaciduh · 2022-08-31T18:01:15+00:00

I disagree that’s it’s not important but it also highly depends on the couple. For me it’s highly important but that was vetted out before I got married. Unless it’s for religious reasons which I understand and respect I cdnt imagine not having sex before I make a life long commitment. If you don’t discuss this beforehand or the sex compatibility is not there it’s highly unlikely it’s going to change after marriage or for long term sustainability. Sex shouldn’t be “expected” but rather something you enthusiastically want to do and work to maintain it. However mature people who have made it work a long time know it’s also going to ebb and flow - some people may fuck all day everyday - but that’s not practical for everyone. Work, kids, life in general will get in the way so it’s just realistic to know you won’t get it every time you want it but also to make sure you work to keep those hurdles to intimacy as minimal as possible.

TLDR: COMMUNICATION - some people do it and do it well and have a satisfying healthy relationship. The ones who don’t end up in a dead bedroom and a world of resentment.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2022-08-31T20:37:28+00:00

Lack of sex is a killer.
But so is lack of kindness. Lack of showing respect. Lack of showing love (not sexual, but like showing and saying it), lack of communication

Anyone of these could be a killer. Anyone could lead to the others, including lack of sex. Relationships aren’t just happy+ sex = stay together. There’s usually a whole bunch of shit that shits down before it ends. Sex is just one of them.

2022-08-31T19:15:09+00:00

Relationships can end badly and lose the love even with sex.

I am not suggesting that is a justification for dismissing the sexual needs/desires etc of another person in a romantic partnership.

I think most most relationships including marriages have a shelf life and people often stay in arranges for reasons beyond sex or the lack of it, some combination of fear/inertia.

pro-frog · 2022-08-31T18:42:20+00:00

I disagree that he should "just get over it," but I also don't think that it's fair to suggest that she "just get over it" and have sex she doesn't want, either - which is an implication I feel I see a lot. There's this tone to these discussions, sometimes, that suggests her not wanting sex is in some way her problem that she needs to deal with, rather than a product of the relationship dynamics that can't be fixed by one person alone.

It would be more productive for both partners to respect each others needs, to be open about their own needs, and to consider what they could do to help the other. No one should just be getting over anything.

Basically, I disagree that without sex, love dies. I think that without love, respect, time, and energy given between partners, sex dies. It's a symptom of a larger problem. This is why asexuals or people with low libidos are the exception to your rule - in those relationships, less sex is an expression of their needs being met, rather than of their needs being ignored.

PassMyGuard · 2022-08-31T18:46:21+00:00

I think most people (both genders) would agree with you

Feisty-Saturn · 2022-08-31T18:16:43+00:00

You can go to the deadbedroom subreddit and see many people who are staying in their marriage despite lack of sex. Some of these people were lacking sex in their relationship prior to marriage and still chose to get married. You will also see couples who are not married but want to stay with their partner despite lack of sex.

Sex is great and I personally for myself consider it essential. However, without it doesn’t mean the relationship is going to end badly. It doesn’t even mean the relationship is going to end.

toasterchild · 2022-08-31T17:47:58+00:00

Expectations are resentments in training. Discuss as much as you can with your partner before moving in and of course before marriage. Sex, money, time spent together should all be planned for. What do you expect/ want, what can you compromise on what is a deal breaker. If you don't talk to your partner ahead of time that's nobody's fault but yours.

femm-fatale · 2022-08-31T17:44:22+00:00

It’s essential but I think there’s a lot of women who just don’t want to do it anymore after a certain age no matter how fit the guy is or how well the relationship is going

supershotmd · 2022-08-31T21:51:16+00:00

Physical intimacy (which might be hugs, kisses, cuddling, anything) is important. But full-on sex is not a requirement, imo. The evidence is the millennia before birth control in the 1960s. Pre-sexual revolution, the vast majority of middle-class people didn't even have pre-marital sex. And after they had enough kids, they didn't continue to have steady sex until old age.

midwesternMD · 2022-08-31T22:08:42+00:00

Eh. I have mixed feelings about your view.

I think it is because my view is that “sexual compatibility is an essential part of long term relationships.” This accounts for asexuals and low libido couplings. And it also accounts for mismatched libidos.

But, where I take issue with your view is the idea that sex should be expected in a relationship. In fairness to you, all you wrote is that you disagree with the sentiment that sex shouldn’t be expected in a relationship. And also in fairness to you, I also agree that “he should just get over it” is selfish, and that mentality doesn’t bode well for the longevity of a relationship.

What I’m trying to say is that I don’t think anyone should have the mentality that sex is expected in a relationship (in general). I think it is more accurate (and palatable) for individuals to be clear in communicating that sex is an important part of a relationship with them.

Yes, this is more of a technicality. But I think it is a better way to think about things. Because if one doesn’t get enough sex in a relationship, one can choose to leave/end it. And folks not currently in relationships, won’t necessarily be judged or pressured by the perception of sex. Similarly, if someone says that sex is important for them in a relationship, nobody can try to shame them into feeling bad about wanting it.

Sad_Entertainer6312 · 2022-08-31T17:46:23+00:00

Plenty of couples throughout history have waited until marriage and gone through long periods of time without sex while apart in marriage. Soldiers, sailors, traders, their spouses etc, people getting crippling diseases. It can be difficult but it is possible. And they weren't all low libido either. It just takes moral fortitude and discipline.

sarkington · 2022-08-31T17:46:04+00:00

It’s not the what, it’s the how, why and when

ruboyuri · 2022-08-31T18:03:20+00:00

I see nothing currently preventing people from ending relationships based on this so there is no problem

2022-08-31T18:14:01+00:00

Yes. I've had a relationship break because of it. Lots of resentment involved.

Backyouropinion · 2022-08-31T21:01:27+00:00

Every relationship I’ve been in has had a lot of sex, even when the relationship was coming to an end and from myself and my partner. There have been a few times where we both knew it was over, but kept the sex going. I found break up sex exciting.

BensonInFL · 2022-08-31T23:55:17+00:00

What prompted this post is seeing many comments on this sub talking about how sex shouldn’t be expected on a relationship, and if a woman doesn't want to have frequent sex with her male partner then "he should just get over it".

A guy's job is to lead the relationship and he should create a dynamic where she wants to have sex with him. He shouldn't be begging or asking for it, this is extremely unattractive. If this is occurring, then he's doing it wrong and its his fault.

If a girl doesn't meet a guy's expectations, whether it is sex or anything else, he should be open to break up and walk away, but most guys won't do this because they are scared of finding another girl, or don't want to lose what they have 'invested' in this relationship, and other nonsense.

-B

catniagara · 2022-09-01T02:17:07+00:00

You are more than welcome to end a relationship because you are not compatible. When women talk about being expected to have sex, we mean cajoled, pressured, or forced. That doesn’t seem to have been made clear to you. So I thought I’d point it out.

lemoncurdmacaron · 2022-09-01T23:46:23+00:00

I think many women don’t understand that they have responsive desire. Usually it is the woman with lower libido. Most common thing in therapy is to work towards the woman to ”just do it”. Usually it’s rarer to crave it spontaneously, but most are very happy having sex often when it is initiated towards them and they are being courted or turned onz

Diddy_1978 · 2022-08-31T19:57:02+00:00

People are not owed sex, not even in a relationship. If you are unhappy with your relationship, you communicate your needs and wishes, see if there is common grounds with your partner, and if there isn’t, each can choose to separate and go their own way.

Puzzleheaded_Bet7294 · 2022-08-31T19:01:01+00:00

What's even the point of marriage if there is no sex wtf. It's already a losing situation for men with any sort of money/assets lol

ManWazo · 2022-08-31T20:16:45+00:00

If your partner doesnt want to do sex with you then they should allow you to get a second partner.

Ludens0 · 2022-08-31T17:48:29+00:00

No shit sherlock

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KayRay1994 · 2022-08-31T18:42:55+00:00

Yeah I wouldn’t disagree with this - although the one thing i would add is if the woman (or man) doesn’t want it more often than not, either “just get over it” and it shouldn’t necessarily be expected - in fact, if its expected on one side and the other is kinda not feeling it then that’s prob an issue worth talking out and figuring out

women, be open about why you’re not feeling it and be willing to honestly talk it out - men, be patient and understanding

2022-08-31T19:36:01+00:00

You're just going to have to honestly read a breadth of sources unfortunately since to my knowledge no historian has specifically dedicated time to this topic on a huge meta kind of deal like people have with things like masturbation and other behavior. What I based mine on was accounts from the 20th back to the Renassaince and a few I remember from Antiquit and Middle Ages albeit those are rarer outside of religious texts since records are rare. I do know one Roman pagan guy trader who was so smitten with his wife because she took care of him when he was ill and didn't ditch him he remained faithful to her and when she died just chose to not marry again though

LotBuilder · 2022-08-31T20:16:50+00:00

Sex is expected in adult romantic relationship. If one or both parties don’t want to sleep with each other then they should be free to have sex outside the relationship.

Stop_Maximum · 2022-08-31T22:03:46+00:00

I don’t think it’s essential unless in a committed relationship (e.g. marriage). The reason it’s that in marriage it’s expected to happen and that was what it was originally designed for. It was never meant to be abused outside of marriage.

This doesn’t mean people are not doing it outside marriage, but saying it’s essential is a stretch. Someone doesn’t necessarily have to cater to those needs just because in a relationship. Some people require a bit of self control.

doggiedoc2004 · 2022-08-31T22:10:21+00:00

I’m in a 15 year marriage. Yes sex and intimacy is important to most LTRs. Often if you are matched age wise, libido decreases for both as you age. The old trope of the woman being the problem most of the time is probably not true. Deadbedrooms/Reddit is heavily skewed male so that’s not a good sample. A lot of things can get in the way of regular sex tho: work, poor health, relationship issues, poor diet, childcare, one partner doing most of the childcare/home care, one partner not taking the time to care about the other partners arousal, hygiene etc

I read a book once (geared toward women) that in general it’s a good idea to get yourself in a place mentally (whatever adjustments in lifestyle for both partners considered) to have sex (oral or PIV) about once a week (min) for relationship maintenance.

I’ve tried to live by this and if anything I am the higher libido as my hubs (now 46) has much longer refractory time, especially with both of us working, running a business and raising tweens.

NeighborhoodVeteran · 2022-08-31T22:47:10+00:00

I don't think they necessarily end badly, they probably just end. Unless one person based the entire relationship around sex. Most people will move on if there is no fire, no need to burn bridges (pun intended).

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_revelationary · 2022-08-31T23:56:57+00:00

If both parties are healthy and able to participate, I agree that sexual compatibility is important.

I think it’s very important for both parties to also be compassionate and attentive to other partner’s needs. I’ve heard people say on here, “if I’m not getting my needs met, I deserve to get them met elsewhere.” And I think that’s a really selfish perspective. Health problems, impotence, problems in pregnancy and the obvious postpartum period when libido can be low as long as a woman is lactating…stress and medications like antidepressants can also have a huge effect on sex drive. I’d be surprised if there are many cases when one partner’s libido just completely dies off for no reason.

I also agree with most people who are saying when there is a mismatch and sex is lacking, it’s usually a symptom of a bigger relationship problem.

I am the high libido partner in my marriage and I would never ever lose love for my husband even if my needs weren’t getting met.

FlyV89 · 2022-09-01T01:12:06+00:00

On average, women have lower libidos than men and, also on average, women tend to lose the sexual attraction for their men a few years into the relationship unlike most men who's level of sexual attraction for their women tend to stay, more or less, the same.

In a time when contraception didn't exist and you could only have sex in a commited relationship, having sex once or twice a year wasn't really a problem, It was actually the norm, so relationships weren't falling apart for lack of sex.

In the modern world we have contraceptive methods, sex is not anymore an exclusively reproductive practice and has become more of a "recreative" activity and even some form of entertainment in some cases, we have divorce and on top of that, seeking fullfilment outside your marriage is not a crime anymore, and there is little to no punishment for infidelity.

Couple that with an hiper-sexualized culture, and sex and marriage/relationships, two things that long ago went hand in hand, now are opposed and one has become an obstacle for the other.

Outside of exceptional cases, I would venture to say that there is no logical reasson to get married or have long term relationships if you want to have a good sexual life. This is true for women and men, but specially for men, who's libidos tend to be higher.

taralala15 · 2022-09-01T01:51:14+00:00

People can change, sexually just like any other thing. But were they truly compatible in the first place???? And who's lack of judjment was it?? Objectively speaking. Because it makes a difference. Normally when you want to marry someone, you re thinking about how much you want them, what THEY can give you, not how much you're compatible, or even how much they want you. This is where people err...i see it with friends. It's selfishness. I think about what can I bring to the table? How can I improve myself to be worthy to be that person's choice. And i try to be realistic. Is what i can offer the person, equivalent to what he's going to be giving me? And some people will tell you that they only want your love, nothing else

Once you start thinking unselfish relationships get better. Compatibility is mentality, education, religion, age, social status...etc...and sex.if you're not honest about what seed, you're going to harvest divorce. What's more common are the people who divorced because they married someone they had nothing in common with, except sex. I hear it a lot. Once the sex wears off, they divorce because they had nothing in common with the person. I fear im gonna fall in that situation myself because im looking for someone im attracted to, and im not easily attracted. Which means i may marry the next guy, I get attracted to, whether we're compatible in everything else or not ...😔

napthaleneneens · 2022-09-01T01:57:10+00:00

Then maybe men shouldn’t marry or create any permanent ties with women. Isn’t it better to just be in relationships so you can leave when you’re not satisfied? I never understood why men just didn’t do that. The institution of marriage seems terrible for men.

meteorness123 · 2022-09-01T03:16:21+00:00

So what about drop in hormones and loss of sex drive which will happen as early as forties both in men and women. Even in younger couples, the phase of sexual novelty drops off around the 6 months mark. What about the countless of times that relationships do end that have nothing to do with sex

jalapeno_chili · 2022-09-01T06:11:53+00:00

On the flip side, an active sex life doesn't mean a relationship is successful. Plenty of couples have regular sex but are just going through the motions.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2022-09-01T08:17:38+00:00

Sex is important, but a lot of the time lack of sex is due to other issues.

Right now my anxiety is through the roof I’m struggling at work and not sleeping. Guess what I’m not ripping his clothes off the last week.

Luckily I have an amazing husband who is supporting me through this, and he knows we will be back to normal soon.

It’s really important to talk about it, listen to your partner, that goes both ways. Also understand that it can make your partner feel rejected especially if they do not know why sex had declined or stopped

rubberbandshooter13 · 2022-09-01T08:42:19+00:00

I don't understand why this even shpuld be a discussion. It is entirely up to you. If sex is necessary for you in a relationship, then so be it. Other people might think differently. I mean you even wrote that in your post "exceptions are asexual people and low libido pairs". So essentially: You think sex is important in a relationship if the people in it want it? What is there to change on that view? It is like saying meat is an essential dish, except for people who don't like it and vegeterians.

2022-09-01T17:11:37+00:00

Of course it is. If it wasn't, why would it be a problem if your spouse fucked someone else?

Sad_Entertainer6312 · 2022-09-01T17:29:41+00:00

there are happy deadbedroom marriages

HobbitShaker88 · 2022-09-02T15:38:18+00:00

With exceptions (also you didnt include illness/disability) yes, you are right. Women that do you what posted irritate me.

Psych_FI · 2022-09-06T04:18:00+00:00

This is so broad and highlights the importance of discussing things with your potential partner.

If you think sex is critically important make that known. This supports people exploring and learning about their preferences before they marry.

I personally think of you have really hard and fast rules about sex you either should remain single, pursue open relationships or be open to your relationship failing.

Often no sex in a relationship unless both parties are asexual indicates a broader issue exists. Maybe your partner is tired and doesn’t feel supported. Maybe attraction has been lost. Maybe someone is unhappy or unwell etc.

Title	CMV, Sex is an essential part of a long term relationship, without it relationships lose their love and end badly.
Author	Sad_Entertainer6312
Upvotes	107
Comments	207
Date	August 31, 2022 5:42 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/x2jqmf/cmv_sex_is_an_essential_part_of_a_long_term/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/cmv-sex-is-an-essential-part-of-a-long-term.1130582 https://theredarchive.com/post/1130582

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