Did you cheat on your wife leading to divorce?

upvotersfortruth · 2025-01-10T02:50:19+00:00

Please keep it civil, constructive and supportive. If you can't, then don't post. OP is not your cheating ex.

Blackend-1989 · 2025-01-15T22:26:50+00:00

I’ve never cheated but am sympathetic to those that do. I have a friend that opened up to me about his affair one night while we’re were liquored up … turns out his wife hadn’t had sex with him since 2019 and hasn’t kissed him since 2022 … he literally remembers the dates. He broken down in tears, sobbing uncontrollably. She told him several years ago it wouldn’t bother her at all to never have sex again. He has three young boys and is a school principal. Great looking guy and in decent shape too … yet she wants nothing to do with him. So I get it … I’m not saying it’s right … but I can certainly understand it better because of his story.

Newdustinyork · 2025-01-13T18:25:10+00:00

I'm at a place where my wife isn't even dating the guy she ruined our marriage for. To say healing is happening is completely false. Now she is parading around town with a new guy and even taking him to work events. 14 years together, 8 married, 2 kids, lost our first pregnancy, oldest son was born with heart issues, and spent a month in the hospital when he was born. She had a cancer scare, other issues that came up, I held her hand, supported her, and even started a charity together for our son and CHD in children. She still cheated, left, now with someone else. Makes you question why people do it and how they can destroy a family. I guess marriage is disposable.

diddyhayes · 2025-01-12T15:42:46+00:00

Never did, never would. I’m loyal, too loyal. Had lots of opportunities working in hospitality. On a christmas party I ended up kissing a coworker on a night filled with booze and blow, after she threw herself at me. Wanted to go home with her but didn’t. Wife ended up having affair a few years later, while I was out of the country having surgery. Had me come back too soon during my recovery because she “needed help with the bills”. Left her with 10k in our account before my surgery and three months later it was gone. When I returned, she still lied about it for three months and refused to help me during recovery. 6 years married and moved abroad for her. Two and a half years after separation and I’m still abroad, with chronic pain from that surgery, ironically. She takes off, spends our money and leaves me at a moment in my life where I am discovering chronic illness. There’s a place for her somewhere. But I had xmas dinner with her and her parents (part of being abroad without family). She left her plus one at home though. I think he has unreasonable angst towards me, which is kind of funny. I’m not the guy to be scared of lol.

Zealousideal_Pop_931 · 2025-01-12T04:13:18+00:00

No. But the things that led me to chesr definitely did

engineered-chemistry · 2025-01-12T03:13:52+00:00

I did. I used it as an escape from a ton of family drama, work stress, child stress (3 under 8 at the time) and severe depression I didn’t really know I had until later.

I had an affair with a much younger coworker for over a year. I was so delusional I thought I even loved her. In the moment it was the best time of my life but I was living an unsustainable fantasy that had no real future. The fog is so real. Wife found out and I moved out (11 years of marriage).

I got medicated, did therapy and realized the lack of happiness was totally on me. I lost myself and instead of turning to my wife I ran.

The gf and I broke up as she realized the compromises to make dating a dude with 3 kids just wasn’t what she wanted. I was angry and hurt but I get where she’s coming from. 6 months later she filed a baseless sexual harassment claim against me and I lost my job (mid career professional ~$200k/yr local job. Terminated simply stating it’s “at will” employment. No clue why she was so pissed off at me as I kept things strictly professional and she had absolutely no proof. The #metoo movement is absolute bullshit and the person accused has zero rights.

The affair literally ruined everything I had work so hard for. Don’t do it, separate first and keep it above board. That conversation is hard but seeing the pain you cause to someone that loves you is much worse. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it and regret all my actions. My employment termination must have been karma catching up to me.

Lastly, don’t shit where you eat. Stay away from coworkers even if the pussy is golden. Trust me, not worth it.

6th-Floor · 2025-01-12T02:37:01+00:00

Yes - over the years here and there and then near the end I got into another relationship so I left my wife finally - it was for the best for everyone.

ParsleyDue6882 · 2025-01-12T00:26:58+00:00

Yes, I did, but I didn’t tell her until after we separated. It was not what led me to leave my ex wife; to me, it forced some hard realizations about my marriage. With that being said, it is my biggest regret. Not the divorce, but how everything went down. While I have forgiven myself and reflected the hell out of it, I will never escape the regret.

dadplup · 2025-01-11T22:29:13+00:00

I did she doesn't know with who or how many times or for how long , she suspected the wrong woman even to this day.

We were married for almost 19 years and the last 10 were horrible, why i did it? because I knew she wouldn't change and she walked to wear me down to ignore her actions, she cheated first and when I found out about it she would tell me she wanted to work it out but as soon as I was out of earshot or so she thought, she would say she couldn't wait to leave me and make me pay thru the nose, that I had it coming, the other guy just wanted sex so he dumped her as soon as i found out, also I offered her a way out multiple times yet she didn't take it, so I waited until my kid was old enough to have some input in who she wanted to live with.

What sealed it was the multiple miscarriages the ex had towards the end, she had withheld intimacy for about 6 years thinking that I would cave in and beg her for it, but I didn't, she was already cheating again and catfishing someone at the same time neither of them wanted her.

I did cheat and this will sound bad, but I wasnt worried about myself if she had found out, I was worried about the other women that I got involved with as they had lived that could've been impacted if she found out, my ex is vindictive enough that she would've made with their family lives.

My nexw has npd and control issues. Even after being divorced for 3 years, she is still trying to mess with my life, yet I know her ego wouldn't be able to handle the truth about what I was doing,

Automatic-Idea-3265 · 2025-01-11T11:36:13+00:00

I think if people cheat even once it’s over. How can you trust the cheating partner again? No matter how unhappy I’ve become in my marriage, cheating has never been a consideration.

LowCurrency2512 · 2025-01-11T07:56:40+00:00

My wife cheated on me with 2 other women. Who were very close friends of ours while I was in the room next to her, that shit hurt. I did sleep with a random woman at a conference like 10 years ago, but I was drunk and it just kinda happened, other than than that opsydasy, I’ve been loyal.

CaliBoundDad2015 · 2025-01-11T06:30:24+00:00

I did. And I don’t regret it: we are creatures who have needs. If needs are not being met- we find a way to fill them. I deserve what I got- bud damn I’m happy.

ColSolTigh · 2025-01-11T06:30:04+00:00

Cheated back, yeah. I did. She couldn’t believe it. The culture says men have egos. Gentlemen, we’re not even close.

Ancient-Homework7557 · 2025-01-11T04:19:32+00:00

No-Marsupial1823 · 2025-01-11T00:22:28+00:00

I cheated on my wife before and throughout the marriage and I’m glad I did!!!

Busy_Investment1104 · 2025-01-11T00:00:54+00:00

I did, however she did first. Two wrongs don’t make a right, and I’m not proud of what happened.

With that being said I forgave with my words and not my heart and that’s what ultimately led to our downfall. We were young and both dreamed of the all American love story that we would be together for 60 plus years and tell everyone how we were each others everything’s except under it all was an unhealthy relationship, for both of us.

We are currently going through with a full divorce and child support situation.

HighestTierMaslow · 2025-01-10T22:38:57+00:00

The comments here show how well society has gaslighted men. The guys I know who got some outside the marriage were not getting any inside the marriage. If she throws the sex on the ground and another picks it up I say wife abandoned him first.

Maseworld · 2025-01-10T21:06:32+00:00

Never. Had chances but I stood strong. Her, not so much. Lol

keencone · 2025-01-10T20:07:22+00:00

Nope!

Some instances of infidelity are more egregious than others to be sure, but I damn sure don’t judge other men or ride an ethical high-horse because I didn’t.

My own dissolution experience has erased much of the cultural and religious BS that we are taught about marriage.

ShaunyP_OKC · 2025-01-10T20:06:14+00:00

I wished I did. She beat me to the punch.

New_Kangaroo9490 · 2025-01-10T17:59:25+00:00

She might forgive but never forget, and if she asks you 10K times, you will have to address the 10K times the issue. You fucked up. Broke the trust and betrayed her. The fact that she hasn't gone forward with the divorce is amazing to me. You DO NOT! get to play the victim. You made your bed so now lay on it.

reapersritehand · 2025-01-10T17:51:04+00:00

Nope, ive always been a faithful man, and thought it showed my character, but after the dust settled realized it was missed opportunities when women use to throw themselves at me

IAPiratesFan · 2025-01-10T17:11:26+00:00

No. I was raised to never do such a thing. I vowed to spend my life with her and be loyal to her for the rest of my life. She did the same, but she clearly didn’t take it as seriously as I did.

AstroHustler22 · 2025-01-10T17:07:28+00:00

I cheated when we were much younger with the same rationale (I wasn’t “happy”), both before the marriage and after. I tried backing out of the wedding and she wouldn’t have it. I knew that I had no business getting married but was too whipped to stand my ground.

After disclosing it years later, we went through marriage counseling together and through therapy individually. We moved on, I made my family the center of my life, and we were happy… or so I thought. Nearly a decade later, she engaged in an affair that lasted most of a year and when finally confronted with evidence that she couldn’t explain, used my earlier infidelity as justification and then filed for divorce.

I don’t believe that an affair is necessarily the end; my parents are still married at 44 years in with infidelity on both sides early on. That said, it will never be the same and you will always, ALWAYS, be waiting for the shoe to drop. If you’ve stepped out, just accept that you’re enjoying borrowed time. If you haven’t, save yourself a lifetime of regret and don’t. It isn’t worth it. Even if you aren’t “caught” (I wasn’t), you’ll never respect yourself and it will eat you from the inside out until you either spill the beans or put a bullet in your brain. There is a bible verse that says “be sure your sins will find you out”. This could not be more true.

I’m sorry to say, but from what you’ve shared, it sounds like your marriage is already dead.

jkw118 · 2025-01-10T16:45:45+00:00

So I never cheated on my ex till after we were legally separated and 1 yr after that. My ex dragged the divorce out for over 8 years. My ex I could tell was looking before she told me she wanted a divorce that she was looking for an excuse to divorce me (espescially now looking back on it)

I mean 1 thing is we both knew I have the sexual appetite at like 9, and hers was like 1 (like once per year was probably more then she wanted) meanwhile I'd have loved it everyday. yeah we were at the once per year for most of the marriage unless she wanted kids.

Towards the end she kept telling me I should go find a fwb as a sidepiece. At one point it was weekly.. I refused and never did. If anything she wanted me to do it as an excuse to file for divorce and look better to our friends and family. She did still try and blame it all on me, it does take 2 to tango.. But when your refusing to work on things or admit where their are issues your not going to get far. She saw any critique from me or a counselor as an attack on her directly. Not on how to improve things.. (as she saw herself as infallible)

So yea 1.5 yrs into the divorce I dated.. My ex rarely if ever knew I was dating, and neither did our kids.

regertsrus · 2025-01-10T15:25:13+00:00

After I found out my wife is a lying cheating hoe, I left and I started dating. I don't think I cheated but I was involved with women while married after I found out she cheated.

Several-Eagle4141 · 2025-01-10T15:16:50+00:00

falcon0221 · 2025-01-10T12:08:15+00:00

No, and I never would.

Moms_Sketti88 · 2025-01-10T11:56:14+00:00

I did near the end, yes. Was it wrong? Yes. My stbx wife possibly has borderline personality issues. Not sure, she never got therapy but she was extremely abusive and mean. Abusive both physically and mentally. It was not an excuse to cheat, but guess I used it as one to get out of the chaos occasionally and escape. I think I rationalized it that way so I could have my comfortable, yet miserable life due to the money I make. I knew divorce even with her behavior would still wreck me financially. I also lost attraction for her psychologically and physically. She was mean as hell and gained a ton of weight.

One day I woke up, and realized money isn’t everything. I was tired of walking on egg shells and knew I also just didn’t love her anymore. I saw that I was going to become one of those miserable dudes who lives a double life. I hate to say it, but I knew I could find better women out there. So I eventually asked for a divorce. She’s still crazy and in fact crazier than ever, but I’m glad I’m making this call. No more her hurting me, and no more of me escaping and lying to her. We both our at fault I’d say.

ninjaxams4 · 2025-01-10T10:31:08+00:00

I’ve worked with several women that I probably could have cheated on my wife with but I never wanted to go that route, Ik I would have ultimately lost my family and that was reason enough to stay loyal. She didn’t feel the same however and had an affair. Our marriage wasn’t great before and despite its improved state (imo) shes not happy with a less than perfect marriage and filed. Its been 6 years in may that I found out and dealing with the pain and sense of loss over that time was really fucking difficult. Knowing deep down this person doesn’t respect you and your not good enough for them is really hard and its not something you forget. Why the hell would you put in several years of work after wrecking someone just to say ah well I don’t want to play this game anymore.

Men will give up their happiness for family, women will give up their family for happiness.

dudefromyork · 2025-01-10T10:06:14+00:00

With time and distance I’ve come to understand cheating is a symptom of a dead relationship. It’s a shitty thing to do, but it happens both sides so frequently it would be hard to argue it’s not human nature.

A better way to think OP, putting the who did what to who aside, would be this:

Do I want to spend the rest of my life like this?

If not, you should leave.

probebeta · 2025-01-10T09:57:58+00:00

Yes. Many times. Not proud of it. Once my financial situation improved, business doing well, got hair transplant, gym and fitness, I just had way more options than when I met her. It's not sexy to admit this stuff but yes I wanted to bang other women, and the rest of the time I just wanted to know that I could do better.

I think she would have left the minute she found a better option too honestly. I dont think that my being faithful would have earned her loyalty. Other than the dead bedroom, loss of attraction, I just don't think we were a good fit. But she's a good girl, family values. You could say I'm the degenerate one, and I'm okay with that 😅

soontobesolo · 2025-01-10T09:55:43+00:00

Nope I didn't. I probably should have though.

Any-Dare-7261 · 2025-01-10T08:06:25+00:00

No. I have a crazy story though. She was with a pharmacist. Her mom wanted me to look like a monster and had her millionaire cousin get me pretty drunk and took me to a whore house. I said this isnt my thing man lets go. He bought one and brought her jn the car. So i took my phone out and called the cops. She ran, he took me home and nothing happened. When their “plan failed.” She took out a restraining order ex parte and i filed for divorce.

Long-Review-1861 · 2025-01-10T07:59:42+00:00

Never cheated, it's horribly cruel and abusive to do to someone you claim to love.

Took me years to get over being cheated on though

dfb54749014 · 2025-01-10T05:51:45+00:00

I had many chances to cheat but never did. I always saw my marriage and wife as something I didn't want to lose on a whim of fantasy. Unfortunately in the end she didn't use the same logic and became the cheater that destroyed our marriage.

Thebadmamajama · 2025-01-10T05:28:02+00:00

I did not.

gcube2000 · 2025-01-10T05:11:29+00:00

I think we’re missing the headline… how does one actually cheat with the nanny? I thought that was only in movies and for movie stars!

brightongulls · 2025-01-10T05:03:23+00:00

I didnt cheat or slept with anyone, I allowed her to fuck “the love of her life” that only lasted a month. Threw away 8 years of my life and I have a three year old son and five year old daughter who wont know what it’s like to have a complete family. I feel the worst for them. Been single for three years now and have no plans to change that any time soon.

AnnoyedCucumber · 2025-01-10T04:56:38+00:00

Nah never did

Own_Chemist_2600 · 2025-01-10T04:39:26+00:00

After five years of pretty intense, verbal and physical abuse, I felt like there was a bell over my head being rung every day when I stepped into my own home. I hated myself for staying as long as I did. I hated my wife for who she became after the third glass of wine. I hated myself for saying yes to buying a big house together. I hated myself for saying yes we can try to raise your half sister's daughter together. I hated myself for letting her treat me like dirt. I hated myself for believing the awful fucking things she said about me.

I could not leave as long as I had my integrity in place. I could not leave as long as I felt like a good person doesn't abandon their family…

I got drunk and went to a massage parlor in a foreign country and almost had sex with someone.

I came home and told my wife about it… over the next few weeks of feeling like I had lost my integrity it became possible for me to leave.

Up and out of the house for nine months now. Divorce proceedings are getting started. It's the best thing I've ever done for myself. I wish I could've cold-blooded called a lawyer and stepped away with more of my psyche and integrity in place. But my codependent martyrdom wouldn't let me do it.

I think I have to say yes… Sex or sexual activity with another person was a very important part in me getting the fuck out of that house.

SingleCouchSurfer · 2025-01-10T04:32:50+00:00

Nah, she was my everything; worshipped the ground she walked on… would have been our ten year anniversary but she gave herself a reason to clear out half the bank account, which was money I’d solely earnt and put into a joint account for us to use. Word for the wise; get a prenup if you’re considering getting married, she took the dough before any mediation; after providing for 14 years relationship and 10 years marriage, locking me out of my own assets was the final straw

Paradiseplunge · 2025-01-10T04:16:18+00:00

I cheated. A lot. Not proud of it and I am suffering the consequences

R_u_k_u_s · 2025-01-10T04:16:17+00:00

Both my ex and I cheated. She was looking for an escape from a lot of family pressure, and I was way more depressed than I realized after finding out about it. So I acted out instead of getting help.

It takes a long time to forgive yourself and your ex, but it’s possible to be happy and content again. Focus on getting to the point where you don’t need external validation from a woman. If you or I were in that mental state, maybe things would have been different.

2025-01-10T04:04:29+00:00

Only cheated my self-respect. I should have left the first time.

Good luck out there gentlemen.

No-Walk-1633 · 2025-01-10T03:55:00+00:00

Your ex-wife will be much better without you.

Too_old_3456 · 2025-01-10T03:48:43+00:00

I never once cheated. She cheated multiple times, with multiple people over a long period of time. And she always suspected me of cheating because that is how her mind operates. She assumed I was doing the same thing as her, and so she justified it to herself.

Sorry to say but you blew it when you hooked up with the nanny. She’ll say that she forgives you but she will always use it against you.

Savings-Tomatillo-84 · 2025-01-10T03:28:48+00:00

I've only cheated myself out of 3yrs of my life (when she cheated on me and we "worked it out") to be cheated on multiple other times..

kcinkcinlim · 2025-01-10T03:27:46+00:00

The unremorseful, and even the remorseful or regretful cheaters, congregate in other subs where they can get some validation for their actions. It doesn't take much validation really. So long as someone recognises that you were unhappy with your relationship, that's validation enough for some of them.

Ultimately, it sounds like you're looking for the same thing, which is, sadly, a dishonest way to live. I think you don't have to take FULL responsibility for the breakdown of your marriage, but you do need to be accountable for the eventual breaking of it. Imagine the marriage was the trunk of the tree. Over time, lack of nutrients, water and care, led to rotting. However, you were the one who took a chainsaw to the trunk to bring it down. You can recognise that, learn from it, while still also understanding that your marriage wasn't good for you.

To answer your question, no I did not cheat. I was subtly accused of it by my ex. She didn't say she suspects I cheated, she said "One day you'll cheat on me". Turns out she beat me to the punch.

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2025-01-10T03:18:02+00:00

I didn’t cheat. Although Ex accused me of it many times. She did, I found out. Divorced.

The reason you don’t hear from the cheaters is because they probably think they did nothing wrong. They always have some excuse. Just “man up” and divorce, don’t cheat. Don’t be weak. Don’t be a coward.

RedditDude07467 · 2025-01-10T03:06:40+00:00

Yes. “Cheating” on a 15 year dead bedroom marriage opened my eyes that there was more to life and I punched out. One year later very happy I did.

upvotersfortruth · 2025-01-10T02:54:52+00:00

From what I've seen over the years, cheating is the number one cause for divorce. Men cheat, women cheat, partners cheat. And no matter who cheats, the cheater must expect to take a metric ton of shit for a very long time. Many marriages are ended by the cheater because they can't take the flak. This is just something you'll have to deal with maybe over time (months, years) it will get better - and if you can't - do the necessary. You hurt your partner deeply, there will be consequences.

Did you cheat on your wife leading to divorce?

Comments

Metoo

Title	Did you cheat on your wife leading to divorce?
Author	Ancient_Custard5587
Upvotes	27
Comments	102
Date	January 9, 2025 11:32 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1hxqle1/did_you_cheat_on_your_wife_leading_to_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/did-you-cheat-on-your-wife-leading-to-divorce.1540792 https://theredarchive.com/post/1540792