Q4W: Do you actually worry about violence on the first few dates (with men)?

Sage_Planter · 2021-06-09T23:34:22+00:00

Worrying about violence during dating is like worrying about getting into a car accident.

Do I expect to get into an accident every time I drive? No. Have I been in a major accident? No. Do I get scared every time I'm on the road? No.

Do I still drive? Yes. Do I still wear my seatbelt? Yes. Do I still pay for insurance? Yes. Do I still do my best to drive safely? Yes.

There is a chance I could get into a car accident, and there's a chance I could get hurt dating strangers. Like others here, I take necessary precautions such as meeting in public, not being alone for the first few dates, telling friends where I am, etc.

rosephase · 2021-06-09T23:28:02+00:00

I only date men I’ve known for awhile. I wouldn’t date them if I thought they would be violent, towards me or anyone else.

superlurkage · 2021-06-10T00:36:39+00:00

Worry? No. Take precautions against? Of course. Otherwise, you will get blamey blame blamed if anything does happen

Novadina · 2021-06-10T00:51:09+00:00

Absolutely. I wasn’t very smart about it when I was young and first started dating, and ended up in some scary situations. After that I never let men pick me up in their car, I always met at a very public place, I told my roommates when I was expected back and where I was going and to worry about me if I didn’t come home or text that I wouldn’t be.

It’s not a sure fire protection - I know women who were raped by their long time best friends or family members, but I can only do so much, and it made me feel more comfortable to at least wait until I know the guy a bit before going anywhere alone with him.

ashpr0ulx · 2021-06-10T03:19:34+00:00

i’d say about half of all “first dates” with men through online dating have made me uncomfortable. a lot of people can come off perfectly normal in text but then the vibe in person is totally off. i take the usual meet in public/share location with friends/drive myself precautions, as well as not revealing too much information, not giving obvious clues to my home and work, etc.

went out for a beer with a guy who seemed pretty normal. second time he wants to hang out at his place and play board games. i’m a little weary, but he seems decent so i take the chance. we play some board games, i’m actually pretty into this dude for a second but then he gets really aggressive with trying to sleep with me. i give one warning- we’re not doing this- it proves ineffective, i say imma leave as we are clearly looking for different things. dude is nuts, i’ve since had to block him on literally everything because he still tries to hit me up in any way possible. craziest part is i was actually into him until he kept trying to jam his fingers into me non-consensually? like what the hell

went on a date with a guy who texted me like a perfect gentleman, but was quick to make me uncomfortable in person. super pushy and aggressive and wanted me to come home with him. i noped outta there. couple months later he’s on our local news because there’s a video of him murdering his neighbor’s dog. i feel safe making the assumption that he is a violent fella, and i’m way less cute than a dog.

but yeah anyways online dating is truly dumpster diving for people, and my goal is not to end up in that dumpster chopped to pieces

fakingandnotmakingit · 2021-06-10T03:37:27+00:00

There was a thread recently on "trust but verify"

I am not afraid of violence on the first date, because I assume that not all men are violent.

However it happens often enough and is on the news enough for me to be cautious.

Think of it as getting into a car. Car accidents happen. So I take precautions like wearing a seat belt. I drive carefully on wet roads because the risk of danger is higher. Sometimes no matter what you do you'll get into the crossfire of someone else's bad decisions.

So no I'm not constantly afraid, but I take normal precautions to protect myself (ensuring date is in public place, ensuring my friends know where I am, etc etc)

whybotherany · 2021-06-09T23:32:25+00:00

NarniaFox · 2021-06-10T04:04:18+00:00

Yes. Why wouldn't I?

There are a bunch of precautions for a reason. Don't meet in his place or in any other secular place, don't let him know your address, tell your friends where and who you're going with, have a pepper spray with you, don't leave your drink unattended, ask a friend to call you during a date etc.

TakeThePinkPill · 2021-06-10T04:54:14+00:00

Yes, absolutely.

quiturbitchn · 2021-06-09T23:24:39+00:00

100% this is a concern. I will share location of my phone with friends and the planned locations, have set check in times with friends and will share a picture of the man and his supposed name.

DanceRepresentative7 · 2021-06-09T23:21:23+00:00

Speaking for myself, yes absolutely. I have my friends GPS track me on the first several dates and I take many precautions. But I may not be the norm

eternitypasses · 2021-06-10T01:03:44+00:00

As long as the dates are in a public place, I don't see why I would be particularly concerned about that. However, there is a worry about violence and being in danger when meeting anyone from online, especially if it is a man for obvious reasons.

malin_w13 · 2021-06-10T01:37:46+00:00

Yes, I worry about it. I don’t ever meet at someone’s house for the first 3-5 dates (until level of trust is established) and I always take care of my own transportation to and from the date.

I’ve been assaulted as a teenager and I had a tinder guy stalk me after I rejected him.

My friend also went on a tinder date and after she wouldn’t have sex with him in his car and wouldn’t give him a bj; he left her stranded in the middle of nowhere.

So: public places + my own transportation = MUST HAVES!

luliloo · 2021-06-10T06:20:56+00:00

I was naive not to. The guys always stopped after I pushed them off and said no a few times. I’m very lucky nothing bad ever happened 😬

rft24 · 2021-06-10T00:26:53+00:00

yes. i’ve always been aware of that sort of thing because my father is kinda neurotic, so he was always really adamant about protecting myself from boys and men from the time i was a small child. people in general have also cautioned me to be careful because i’m quite petite, so i’m easy to kidnap, easy to overpower, and easy to hurt.

anytime i’ve gone on a date with someone i don’t know well, i always did these things:

met the guy in a public, well-populated environment
didn’t let the guy know where i live
wouldn’t exchange phone numbers until we’d gone on a couple dates (use social media or texting apps instead)
made sure i had my own way home
made sure i had a portable charger in case my phone was dying
took note of the man’s name and any other info on him i could get (last name, license plate, what kinda car he drives, where he says he works, etc.)
made sure at least 2-5 people knew exactly where i was and what time i should’ve been home; and if i didn’t go home by that time and didn’t call/text anyone to say i’m safe, that’s how they‘d know something was wrong

my guy friends at school used to chaperone my dates because a couple times there were issues with men being totally nice and normal up until the end of the date, and then acting out once they realized i wasn’t gonna fuck them. i didn’t even ask them to do that, they insisted.

crookedsummer2019 · 2021-06-09T23:29:33+00:00

I had a guy grab my arm in anger when I wouldn’t go home with him after he paid for a nice dinner as a first date, which he used as justification for expecting sex.

That was the last time I let a guy pay for the date without offering to pay half.

It’s not something I worried about a lot when I was dating but it was something I was mindful of.

I never got in his car until I knew him better. I never went to his home as a first date either. And I always let someone know where I was and who I was with.

SadAbbreviation · 2021-06-09T23:23:22+00:00

I have gone on dates with guys who make me feel unsafe and dates where I feel safe or even the dominant party. It is all dependent on the woman or female presenting persons experiences and the man or male presenting persons actions in the moment.

More often than not I am cautious about how I interact with men out of the better safe than sorry mentality.

cowfishAreReal · 2021-06-09T23:24:12+00:00

Yes, I would never go to anywhere not public with a men I don't know. I actually never went on any dates at all with men I didn't know. I met my bf in an interest club in university and was friends with him for months before going outside campus with him for the first time.

midwestufohunter · 2021-06-09T23:35:44+00:00

Yes.

I never go anywhere w a male or have a male come into my home without other people knowing about it.

My male gay bff also tells me where he is when he goes on dates.

It's just a good practice.

If straight men want to do it for their safety, they should.

I also think when men and women talk about "crazy" exes, you can tell from the examples used dating is very different for men and women. Many of my past boyfriends had sex with me while or after I said no. I do not think that's a problem that is as common for men and it's a really dark, scary thing to experience.

IcarusKiki · 2021-06-10T04:22:59+00:00

I’m not actively worrying but it’s always in the back of my mind since date rape is common and a lot of rapes are not investigated.

Sophiatab · 2021-06-10T16:59:55+00:00

Because of violent attacks I have experienced in the past, I stay alert for potential violence anytime I am around a man. Some psychopaths are often very good at hiding how dangerous they are.

Hopefully987 · 2021-06-10T19:20:24+00:00

Yes. I don't accept him picking me up, meet in a public place, have friends know where I'm going and what his name is, never agree to go to either one of our houses, don't give out my address, do a google check before the date.

One time I was considering letting a guy pick me up because my car broke down. I asked for his full name and he got angry and said he was mad that I didn't trust him. I told him the date was off and he kept trying to argue with me. Huge red flags. I blocked him.

flapperfemmefatale · 2021-06-10T01:58:05+00:00

Yup. I never went anywhere with a guy without telling at least five people where I was...along with the instruction that if they didn't hear from me after a certain amount of time, they should assume something bad happened.

By nature, I always do a quick assessment of a room. Look at where the exits are, look for anything that could potentially be used as a weapon, etc.

And as a general rule, I don't date strangers or go on dates that aren't in a public place (until an actual relationship is established). If it was a hookup, it happened at a party or something where there were other people within earshot. I never went home with a random guy, or allowed him to know where I lived.

Comprehensive_Zombie · 2021-06-10T00:28:24+00:00

I don’t go on dates anymore unless I have some kind of understanding of who you are, so either a friend of a friend knows you or we were already somewhat acquainted. But when I used tinder I’d always spend a long time in the initial talking stage before agreeing to meet up in public, tell my friends his full name and any related important info, and share my location during the date. All of my friends do this/have done this with new guys.

I had a friend who went on a tinder date with a guy to a house party we were throwing. Nice chill guy, it gave her the opportunity to let him meet her friends (us) in a casual way super early on. We all liked him, she liked him, good times. Everything was good up until it was the end of the date and he cornered her in his car and yelled at her for not inviting him in to smash after driving her home on their first date. I had another friend who was sexually assaulted on a tinder date with a guy who she’d been talking to for a while too.

Orange_Paisley · 2021-06-09T23:38:47+00:00

Yup. Unless I know a man pretty well, I would not go to his house or ride alone in a car with him. And I always would tell someone I trusted if I was meeting someone new - mom, friend, etc.

blue_dandelions · 2021-06-10T05:36:40+00:00

[removed]

SaBahRub · 2021-06-09T23:42:46+00:00

Assault, rage over rejection, nagging/coercion, stalking/harassment are all things I personally have experienced, and I am a big introverted prudey prude wallflower.

Or, maybe that’s why they thought they could get away with it. They were wrong

goatismycopilot · 2021-06-10T00:30:44+00:00

It is less likely to be stranger danger and more likely to be somebody you know in a casual way already who rapes or assaults you. So no I am not worried about violence on first dates but I am not stupid. I bring cash, go to a place I know, don't have more than one drink.

blueXcat · 2021-06-10T03:59:25+00:00

Not really. But I won't meet a stranger in a back alley to start the date

spinsterchachkies · 2021-06-10T06:17:36+00:00

Yes, yes, yes

alberto-hoff · 2021-06-10T06:57:28+00:00

Sort of?

If I meet a guy through OLD for a hook up - I always spend 3 - 4 hours chatting with him just to see if I think he's sound or not.

Fortunately I've not copped off with any dodgy men.

So I guess I'm aware of it and take a few measures but I'm not completely risk adverse.

datfishd00d · 2021-06-10T07:52:11+00:00

I do, because I've been assaulted on first dates, or had men tried to coerce me into sex and use physical violence.

blue_dandelions · 2021-06-10T19:16:25+00:00

Not violence but sexual violence yes.

The thought always crises my mind briefly when meeting a stranger, I take precautions & still did it but I did worry yes.

neetykeeno · 2021-06-10T00:26:29+00:00

Well...yes? Every first date I have been on I was on high alert with regards to enforcing my boundaries and not allowing myself to just be taken off somewhere there would be no help if he elected to use force.

I have known more than one woman who had a really bad first date experience, and I have worked housemaiding at a hotel and seen how going off to a date's hotel room can end up. I have a friend who did night desk at a really low end motel and he told me how the hookers get abused so bad. Men are a quite dangerous class of human being. Some of them will cheerfully hurt a stranger who has done them no wrong.

silkPJson · 2021-06-09T23:22:43+00:00

Sometimes I do. If I reject him I worry he could totally flip which unfortunately isn’t uncommon.

arcaenis · 2021-06-09T23:23:01+00:00

im definitely afraid of violence. when i let guys come to my house for the first hang out, 90% of them would sexually assault me or attempt to. now i only meet in public and i always tell people where and who im going with

Mimoxs · 2021-06-10T00:53:58+00:00

I have had a few that worried me. I only date men I've known a while, but a lot of time men show their true colors once you agree to date them. I had one dude I was genuinely really afraid of because he had some severe mental health things going on, so when he started acting weird and saying weird things I definitely started to worry. Sometimes I think he might have actually intended something, but stopped bc the area started having people pass by.

learn2earn89 · 2021-06-10T03:24:40+00:00

I don’t date but whenever I have gone to some type of social gathering my mom tells me repeatedly to watch my drink and to not get separated from my friend group. Also, I live alone and my family members have told me not to tell people I live alone.

If I went on an online date I would tell my bro and perhaps my best friend where I’m going, with who, and at what time., simply because that’s the advice I’ve gotten. It’s not an inherent fear I have. I think I’m more fearful of walking alone at night and being murdered by a transient than anything else.

rosesonthefloor · 2021-06-10T00:23:17+00:00

I’ve definitely been a bit uncomfortable on some dates, but I always always do first dates in public, and I’ve so far been successful in weeding out anyone who might be violent on a subsequent date.

RyRy076 · 2021-06-09T23:54:22+00:00

Why would a woman agree to go on a date with a guy in the first place if this was a concern?

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Lazy-Ocelot-4186 · 2021-06-10T06:39:05+00:00

Yes. Obviously. Yes to all of your questions

thelajestic · 2021-06-10T07:23:57+00:00

No I never did particularly. When I first started going on tinder my friend told me to send them a pic of anyone I was inviting round to mine in case I got murdered 😅 but I think I only did it the first few times.

I met quite a lot of tinder people and only had one bad experience in person. It wasn't necessarily violent just a bit scary, and while it was a bit off-putting it didn't necessarily ruin my view of tinder/men in general. As far as I recall none of my friends have had violent date experiences.

Soon-to-be-Catlady · 2021-06-10T08:45:18+00:00

I don't worry a lot, but enough to tell people where I am at what time and the guy's name. I also only meet guys I have found on the internet before in some capacity (LinkedIn, page of the employer etc), which is why I don't worry that much I guess. Also mostly meet for lunch or coffee on the first date. An acquaintance had a story of a guy behaving really odd on her first date, so much that she locked herself in a different room and called the police, the guy bolted.

Phoesilvle · 2021-06-10T10:34:18+00:00

It's not so much worrying but more making sure one doesn't get into a situation that warrants real worry.

For one it is a huge difference if you're dating a stranger from dating apps or something like the friend of a friend you've met on a hicking trip or a BBQ night.

With the stranger I feel more wary and take all the little precautions like making sure a friend knows I'm dating tonight and will check in after the date or making sure not to drive with him in his car or not going on a walk in a remote area or... while with the acquaintance while not doing anything stupid I feel more relaxed.

When I was still in univerity certain shady bars and clubs were shunned because some women from the extended friend group got roofied there. And certain men had a reputation of not taking no gracefully. It's just the little things that are almost second nature.

Mrs_Drgree · 2021-06-10T13:39:19+00:00

No, but I don't have much of a self preservation instinct.

SychoNot · 2021-06-10T16:22:49+00:00

That Margret Atwood quote is pure garbage that should never be repeated. I mean if you wanna internalize victimhood go for it but I can only assume it’s a miserable place to be. I’ve never hit a woman. But I have been hit by them.

Kake997 · 2021-06-15T05:40:52+00:00

Yes i do. I have been “pressured” and many men have tried to take advantage of me

RIPBernieSanders1 · 2021-06-10T06:26:17+00:00

In any public place, a woman has nothing to fear from a man. Nothing. At the first hint of any danger, every person nearby will leap to the aid of the woman.

GridReXX · 2021-06-10T02:21:21+00:00

Not really. That said I have my phone location shared with several people at all times.

Also I don’t have first dates with men I’m meeting for the first time in secluded areas.

“Meeting for the first time” = Tinder hinge etc.

gimpgirl555 · 2021-06-10T09:05:14+00:00

Is this true in your experience? Do your peers have instances of violence committed by men on their first or second dates? Do you take lots of precautions to make sure you stay safe on dates?

No ofc not. I've fucked total strangers and nothing happened. Those are fantasies of women who don't have experience with men.

ArtNo6372 · 2021-06-10T09:11:41+00:00

alright im just gonna say it here if at any point you are worried about violence from a man you are going on dates on you are legitimately mentally handicapped for going on a date with him in the first place. that said you arent at fault IF something happens at all. just saying like, idk i wouldnt go anywhere with someone i dont feel safe around

Title	Q4W: Do you actually worry about violence on the first few dates (with men)?
Author	noletterstoday
Upvotes	6
Comments	193
Date	June 9, 2021 11:14 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/nw93dc/q4w_do_you_actually_worry_about_violence_on_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-do-you-actually-worry-about-violence-on-the.781862 https://theredarchive.com/post/781862

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