Wife changing her mind

captainchippsixx · 2023-01-09T02:27:17+00:00

Are you kidding me. Get divorced. You can try to reconcile and get divorced. It’s a stall tactic. So if you get divorced in year can you say it was because of the cheating.

You will never forget. Very hard to overcome in your head her cheating. I know. It didn’t work for me.

Or get her to sign a iron clad post nup.

dday_throwaway3 · 2023-01-09T02:41:06+00:00

> should we divorce

Wake up! She's cheating on you. You'll never trust her again. You need to divorce her. Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Negotiated desire only leads to obligated compliance which results in resentment by both parties.

You absolutely continue while you have the upper hand. You ensure you have half the parenting time, and if infidelity in your state means you don't pay alimony then you should be releived.

anotheraccount741 · 2023-01-09T03:20:18+00:00

My ex cheated on me. I stayed with her for another 4 years. It is next to impossible to rebuild the trust. Plus if she is not meeting your sexual needs prior to this it will never work. She will love bomb and all will be fine for a few months. You may even get her to sign a postnup. The same shitty human being will return in a few months.

Flogginga_dead_horse · 2023-01-09T04:50:01+00:00

Get out now! I was in your shoes a few years ago. Primary bread-winner for almost 20 years. Wife started talking about divorce. I hired a PI who found out she was having an affair. I filed for divorce and got out without having to pay alimony. Saved me a TON of money.

Get out. Don't be her fall-back second choice. She is only going back to you because she needs to - not because she wants to.

Don't have sex with her again. If you do you have legally accepted her adultery and can't use it in the divorce.

Good luck!

BrokenMeeper · 2023-01-09T03:22:18+00:00

You need to proceed with the divorce. She's stalling you out because the fantasy she had in mind isn't gonna happen.

She didn't care about you then, she doesn't care about you now. She's in damage control mode.

A postnup isn't going to hold any water unless she has her own attorney, of her own choosing, involving it's drafting. No attorney is going to advise her it's a good idea to do such a thing unless she's going to benefit.

This is all fresh, but, if you proceed with reconsiliation, get used to that voice in the back of your head that's going to question absolutely everything she does for years and years to come. Is she going to put up with you, rightfully so, constantly questioning her about these fears?

If you want a glimpse of what actual reconsiliation looks like, deep dive into r/SupportforWaywards and r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. Seriously ask yourself if you think she'd the kind of person that will endure the process.

You're extremely lucky to be in a state that recognizes adultry. Run with it!

If you really really want to reconcile, do it after divorce.

Gattsama · 2023-01-09T11:51:06+00:00

She doesn't love you, she doesn't respect you and she doesn't want you. Women don't talk about divorce unless they think they have a soft place to land. She has been thinking about this for months, maybe years. BUT she didn't do her home work. She thought she was going to leave you high and dry, get the cash and prizes, and go fuck her new boy friend; while you paid for it all. Opps :)

Once she learned she wasn't going to get the money, she jumps back to you. Sir, no insult, but that is a whore. If you take her back you are choosing to be a John. I am using this language because it's important to really understand what's happening, you need to step outside of your feelings. She meet another man, she lied about where she was and her plans, instead she went with him. She undressed and dropped to her knees, she got in his bed with the butt in the air, she did all the things she wouldn't do with/for you. AND then she choose to leave you.

She didn't make a mistake, she made several deliberate choices; over and over again. Her mistake was not checking the actual divorce laws. Well that one actual mistake is the only thing saving you! Because taking this whore back (again no insult, it's what she is; a cheating liar) would be a mistake on your part.

Again, sorry for the semi harsh language. You need to get angry. You need to think, in graphic detail, about what she did. NOT why she did it. NOT what she says. When there's a disagreement between a woman's words and actions always trust her actions. She is telling you, screaming at you in fact, who she is. Please believe her!! Do not take her back, proceed with the divorce and then work on your own personal healing.

Be safe out there...

georeddit2018 · 2023-01-09T03:21:55+00:00

Then reason why she want to reconcile is because divorcing you have significant consequences for her. She has already messed around with the other guy and she have you as back up.

Why will you want to be with someone who tossed everything you guys built away for a new dick? You may want to reconcile but you can hardly trust her again. The fact that you made her call the guy and break things off doesn't mean she won't find a way to still meet up with him.

Her whoring around wil also expose you to STD. You only cab decide what to do, but choose wisely.

She will eventually leave you when things are favorable for her to divorce you.

MedCityCPA · 2023-01-09T04:08:15+00:00

File for divorce. She hasn't changed her mind....she is preparing her story.

Google the "Duluth Wheels of Abuse" and compare to your wife's behavior. For example, you NOT allowing her extra martial relationship is your abusing her. Another example, you being "the breadwinner" is you abusing her career choices.

No, I am not making the above up. It happened to me; it could happen to you. Here is my full story - https://youtu.be/b8h3TkQJ3nQ

upvotersfortruth · 2023-01-09T05:08:56+00:00

This is not "no man's land" this is unbridled nastiness on her part. She got her hand caught in the cookie jar and is in a position of weakness - so she's doing the only thing she can think of to get into a better position which is TADA play on your emotions.

You love her. It hurts. You dream that time could be undone and that she still loves you. She doesn't - this is reality. This is your best opportunity to come out of this with minimal damage.

So now it's your turn, tell her you'll seriously consider reconciling but don't want to stop the divorce proceedings until you know it's going to work. Then keep her at bay and follow through on the divorce no matter what. Good faith? dafuq - she didn't, you shouldn't. Don't be a sorry sap.

Ask yourself this: Can you accept her fucking any guy she wants any time she wants? If yes, then reconcile. If no, divorce.

jgjg9999 · 2023-01-09T07:46:04+00:00

Learn from a lot of our mistakes, get out now. Cheaters don't change. My ex cheated, I found out and she pleaded to make it work.

I wasted years dealing with all the aftermath to finally get to a decent place.

Then surprise, she found another soul mate becasue I changed after she cheated.

Don't join the ranks of us that made the mistake of trying to fix a cheater.

Sorry you're going through this.

ChompySnack · 2023-01-09T03:05:20+00:00

She is still with her affair partner, right? No deal, no reconciliation possible. Maybe you can be okay with a marriage that has the worst baggage possible? You are pure right now. Untainted by all the bullshit she wants to drag you into. Hold your head high and move on. You are a sought after person.

mrcofffeeee · 2023-01-09T03:35:13+00:00

If I were you, I would get out of this relationship. It's all about love, and when it's not there, and if it's about some agreement, it never works. It's good that she got caught, but would she do all that if she did not? If you welcome her back, she will start squandering your money and create unwanted quarrels, then DV, CPO, and you lose all your advantages.

Certain-Line-6351 · 2023-01-09T08:23:51+00:00

The only reason she changed her attitude is because she found out she’s not getting a pay day. An the guy fuckin your wife doesn’t actually want to date her because she is unfaithful.

Call it a wrap, move on with your life. Don’t ever take a cheating woman back. They cheat emotionally an once they do feelings for you never come back.

your kids will be fine.

FindingMyPrivates · 2023-01-09T03:17:16+00:00

She’s cheating on you bro. It’s not worth saving. More than likely she knows her life is going to get tougher and won’t have the stability that marriage has. Get your own life positive, get healthy/er, be a great dad, start looking for new ways to make money or grow in your career

MrEgusi · 2023-01-09T11:56:34+00:00

What's wrong with today's men???

Your wife was adamant about wanting a divorce only a few weeks ago, you have now discovered that she was being folded by another man.

Now she is not so sure because she knows the settlement terms are not so much in her favour...and you want to give her the opportunity to change this?

You are going to end up looking like a fool in a year when accuses you of domestic violence... Gets the police to kick you out of the house and starts the divorce off that setting.

1Cobbler · 2023-01-09T08:32:42+00:00

What Utopia has at-fault divorce?

21YearsofHell · 2023-01-09T08:43:22+00:00

It’s horrible to be cheated on, but you’re one of the luckiest people on here!

(a) you live in the right State whichever it is

(b) you have the evidence you need

(c) you now have the upper hand because she was not expecting you to find out, she would never have told you, and she is only having second thoughts about the divorce now because the alimony circumstances have changed

Divorce her, take max custody, stay strong.

If she really wants to be with you, she can date you post-divorce.

But heads-up, that won’t be happening.

Token_or_TolkienuPOS · 2023-01-09T12:14:17+00:00

I don't know how far into the gutter I'd have to fall in order for me to reconcile and lay down with an unfaithful whore who has become another dude's leftovers in my marriage bed again. How much self respect and dignity did you lose while standing next to her listening to her break up with her lover?

C'mon man. You want to reconcile because you love her truly or because you want to avoid the divorce?

No-Blackberry7887 · 2023-01-09T07:32:03+00:00

She's saying it's on you to forgive her. So she cheated and broke your trust and the marriage and now it's your responsibility to make the reconciliation succeed? Hell no! She would have kept you in the dark about her affair and would have made out better in the divorce. You would have been funding her affair. Now that her master plan has failed she feigns reconciliation and the responsibility is on you!? Do yourself a favor you'll never trust her. You'll always wonder where she's really going/planning. Your children will be traumatized. Divorce is the better option while you have the upper hand. After the divorce you can always get back together if you so choose, nothing is etched in stone, but first you need to divorce.

Complicatedlogic · 2023-01-09T08:24:17+00:00

Run. She only wanted to stay when she realized she couldn’t screw you over. Happens a lot. The dude probably had her head all full of wonderful possibilities in the future. I think that’s what happened to me, but I have no proof unlike you. She acted the way yours acted. I walked away. Hurts less everyday. Happier about my decision every day. If you give her a chance, she’ll just position herself to out maneuver you in the future. Run.

Barkaat · 2023-01-09T09:12:26+00:00

Divorce her man. Shes manipulating and tricking you. She will not stop cheating but just get better at hiding things. Also you are just now a safety net for her because she knows if she divorces she will get no alimony from you and her reputation will be ruined. Divorce her man save yourself

Empty-Temporary-5916 · 2023-01-09T12:58:37+00:00

Wow OP the more I read a lot of these stories I wonder what has happened to us as men. Your wife wanted a divorce and wouldn’t give in regardless of how you begged until you had proof of her infidelity. Now she wants to reconcile only after you have proof of her cheating. This lady was prepared to take you to the cleaners and take at least half of everything that you’ve provided and share it with her new guy but your feelings for her has you questioning if divorcing her is the right thing to do. I am trying to phrase things as polite as possible so that my comment isn’t removed, but you you have got to be kidding if you think that she has any love for you at all. You know what you must do but you’re looking for reasons not to do it, such as proposing a postnup, which you seem to be afraid to ask her to sign even though she has cheated on you. You even stated that you want both parents in the home for the kids and that’s understandable but at what cost, because you will have no respect from your spouse, which she has already shown you that she doesn’t respect you now. You say that you now have the upper hand but I don’t believe the you really believe that, having the upper hand was when she told you she was getting a divorce, you’re asking her if she will sign an agreement, if she will stop cheating, if she will love you again, if she will work things out so that the kids will have two parents in the home. Sorry my friend but the only way you’ll have the upper hand is if you stand on your values and move forward with the divorce and never look back while you have the proof of her infidelity that helps your ruling in your state. Because that postnup is only as good as the morals of the person signing it because a good lawyer may eat that up in court. Either way best of luck.

That-Potential-5684 · 2023-01-09T13:59:18+00:00

Once she realized this, she said that she’d be open to work on things if I am willing but that it is up to me as I’d need to be able to forgive her to move forward (we’d need therapy and more).

Once a woman cheats on a man all respect for him in her life is gone forever. For the love of God, do not negotiate with a terrorist, kick her in the ass out of your life and get a hotter, younger girlfriend.

platonic_thoughts · 2023-01-09T18:07:43+00:00

what in the entire f*** is wrong with you brother? WAKE UP.

your “wife” had another sausage in between her legs and mouth, while being married to you, while you’re fully supporting her financially... and you’re considering reconciling?

wake up man.

you have the upper hand, file, and don’t be a pushover.

rb577511 · 2023-01-09T11:23:38+00:00

The comments here are correct. You will never regain trust. She will do it again. Stalling is just giving her time to get in a better financial situation. Divorce. No Contact. Communicate through email or text so there is a record. Be very careful of being alone with her. Some form of domestic violence story may be next to get her what she wants. Good Luck.

Redtulipsfield · 2023-01-09T12:21:15+00:00

Get out, she is manipulating you

Grand-Expression-493 · 2023-01-09T12:26:43+00:00

You have the upper hand right now based on what you say your state law is for adultery. If you withdraw and work it out, what's to stop her from shafting you in a few years with a no fault divorce filing and screwing you over with alimony and custody agreement that is not 50-50.

The time to care for her is long gone. File and be done with it.

Edit: I have read your other post and comments on divorce sub. What's the matter with you? The woman you fell in love with and had kids with, is gone. Now it's just a person you married who has been railed by who knows how many guys. How does this not make your blood boil and absolutely drop the hammer instead of you trying to justify her actions?

johnnygluebag · 2023-01-09T12:43:32+00:00

Once she realized this, she said that she’d be open to work on things if I am willing

You mean once she got caught cheating she said she’d be open to work on things.

If you present as weak and forgive this betrayal she’s just going to cheat again. She’s proven she can’t be trusted. I’d continue with the divorce.

KneeDeepThought · 2023-01-09T12:54:16+00:00

Dude... she's about to actually face accountability for breaking her marriage vows and is looking at a life where she doesn't get your cash and prizes like she was counting on. Of course she wants to "talk about it." If you make the colossal mistake or taking her back she'll juts cheat on you again and be more secretive to not get caught while she figures out a way to clean you out. Get this toxicity out of your life. If she's going to fuck around, it's time she found out.

ZarBandit · 2023-01-09T13:15:13+00:00

“Once a cheater always a cheater” is what many say.

The only cheating that stands any chance of long term reconciliation is a one night stand where they immediately regret it and confess to you shortly after. Even then it might be too much to forgive.

I say: once a cheater, never trustworthy.

As for a cheater that gets caught and repents - it’s all lies and manipulation. They already blame you for making them cheat (because it’s never ever their fault). So they still feel entitled to lie and cheat some more.

Cheaters like her are broken people who cannot participate in a normal relationship without torpedoing it. It’s not your fault and you cannot fix her. Years of therapy and behavior modification would be the only way. If she were the kind of person who could do that, she would already be doing it. She isn’t. It’s the instant gratification path for her and she’ll never EVER be happy or content in life.

Get rid of the lead boots that are drowning you or let her take you down with her. For the sake of your kids you need to get rid of her and make sure at least one of their parents are stable, healthy and not chaotic.

Also you need to model good behavior for your kids. Would you want them staying in an unhealthy relationship? Remember that they’ll model what you do, not what you say. So do the right thing. Do what you’d advise them to do when they’re grown.

Jbr74 · 2023-01-09T14:20:16+00:00

Dont be f'ing stupid and fall for that sh*t like I did.

Hands down stupidest thing I've done in my life.

You will end up regretting it if you do and you will come out of it worse off.

playerknowmore · 2023-01-09T15:18:28+00:00

You have her over a barrel. Even if you want to get back to her later, divorce and restart the clock. It would be financially irresponsible for you to stay.

Personally, the amount of self-respect I would have to swallow would be too much. You have been put second best to a man not fit to shine your shoes. The affair fog prevented her from doing the consequence math. I bet they did it after they got caught. Her being caught cost her about five hundred grand upfront payouts.

You catching her destroyed their plan I'm guessing her affair was with a coworker? Both of them together can't afford to live where you live. Both of them factored in support from you to pull their relationship off. Do what you want, but basic math says divorce.

Excellent_Maybe_1204 · 2023-01-09T07:49:37+00:00

Divorce dude. You can reconcile later and if you want remarry (hopefully with good prenups).

CHEPO1966 · 2023-01-09T12:48:42+00:00

Take your chance, if you don't get divorced now, you'll regret it in a while, when she fucks another guy again.
Remember that she wanted to leave you for her lover.
Everything she tells you is a lie, I bet they are still in contact, don't be naive.

Button_Regular · 2023-01-09T14:00:06+00:00

Think it would be extremely prejudicial to you even if a postnup is agreed prior to reconciliation. Chiefly because a woman in US has all the weapons at her disposal to put any innocent man in prison. Simply has to claim that you assaulted her while at home or even worse imply child abuse and you will be in jail for a long, long time.

In my case, after 20+ years marriage, I recall her warning me when I raised my voice that she knows how to put me away. This was during the toxic aftermath of her asking for a divorce and both having to live in same house while court proceedings were in motion. I set up cameras in common areas with her knowledge so that she couldn’t falsely claim assault by me. Strangely, my cameras would go offline or not record anything occasionally. Suspect she had outside help to jam them or something…Anyway, relieved now it is over. And that single statement from her as well as finding 9mm bullet packs in a bag that she forgot to take with her stops me from ever considering a reconciliation with her. Maybe, she was packing as a defensive step since I already owned guns to protect the family. Either way, I will not chance it anymore with that woman.

Until these lopsided laws are changed in the US, men in America are fucked, to put it mildly!

No_Analyst_5235 · 2023-01-09T16:45:31+00:00

It seems like the only reason she wants to reconcile is because YOU have the upper hand . If he situation was reversed , she’d clean you out .

You could get divorced and still move to reconcile . People reconnect back or remarry all the time .Move forward with the divorce and if she truly wants to save her family , it is she that has to do the heavy lifting . Women are master manipulators. And In your case , she has already proven to be untrustworthy.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2023-01-09T17:51:40+00:00

It's over. Even if you reconcile, you're only kicking the can down the road because she no longer respects you. I learned the hard way, but hoping you can learn from our mistakes.

bes753 · 2023-01-09T21:21:20+00:00

I would disagree that you are caught in no man's land.

She asked for a separation and divorce with no effort to work on it because this was an exit affair. She fully intended to leave you. The only reason that she is now reconsidering is that you exposed her affair, and she is now going to suffer the consequences of that. Do you really think if you hadn't found out that she still would have tried to crawl back?

As someone who was cheated on and reconciled, I can tell you that, despite forgiveness and moving forward, the relationship was never 100% the same again. Now, years later, we are divorcing. Save yourself those years of shit... pull the trigger now.

Various_Artists_ · 2023-01-09T14:11:51+00:00

Leave. Just leave. Then post 18 months from now how much better you are doing to inspire the rest of us.

Snakygolden · 2023-01-09T15:09:11+00:00

You already know what needs to be done, you’re only on Reddit hoping to find someone to give you some “acceptable” excuse to remain passive and weak, staying with someone who sees you as nothing more than a backup plan and does not truly care for you or what you’ve done her and your family. There is no excuse, wake up and accept that reality right now. You’re a grown man, divorce her and set a good example for your kids (especially your son if you have one).

MightBusiness7231 · 2023-01-09T15:24:07+00:00

She tried to monkey branch and that guy dumped her ass. And you are now useful again so she's hoping you're a simp and will take her back. Definitely ask for the post-nup. She'll refuse. I always say try to work it out when there is no abuse and kids are in the picture. But she sounds like a terrible human being, unless there are some really good reasons to cheat.

playerknowmore · 2023-01-09T15:41:50+00:00

Sorry, my friend cheaters don't stop cheating; they just get better at cheating. What happens when she meets someone who can provide your lifestyle or better? At some point, the grief will become unbearable, but you are losing hundreds of thousands for something inevitable. I hope I'm wrong because you are dug in. Good luck.

Button_Regular · 2023-01-09T18:53:27+00:00

I would say, never be alone with her, neither now or post divorce, as she only has to lie with tears streaming for the cops, the judge, the neighbors to lynch you or get you locked up for a long time. Walk away and build a brand new life.

xadmin123 · 2023-01-09T18:57:25+00:00

Once that divorce is out of the bag, you can’t put it back in. Follow through with it.

AStirlingMacDonald · 2023-01-09T19:20:40+00:00

You need to get out and get out now. I don’t know what state you’re in, but there are places where if she can establish you knew about the infidelity and “forgave” her for it, it will no longer be considered by the courts. She can wait a year to get divorced and be right back where you were, with her getting alimony and custody.

She is not sorry for what she did, she is just sorry she’s not getting the big payday she’s been counting on.

Specialist-Holiday61 · 2023-01-09T20:17:13+00:00

She wants to work it out “now” because either

Homeboy isnt fucking with her anymore Or
She knows what can happen now that she got caught.

Either way, she doesnt respect you and definitely doesnt love you. She wanted another man and will continue to stray. Move on

4rdfun · 2023-01-09T21:40:39+00:00

How old are the kids? if school age, maybe, but seems like a bad idea, if teens or late teens I'd definitely move on. For me the factors in sticking it out while insisting on therapy (or an attorney, was the ultimatum) as long as I did were the kids (16/6, boys) and financial implications of her not working. She ended up filing anyhow and now I'm forcing her through the process by fling motions while it's been 9 mo since separation and she's still trying to milk the stay at home mom bullshit.

Once a woman decides she's done with you, she's done, no matter what she says.

Due-Cranberry8690 · 2023-01-09T14:04:10+00:00

Get divorced.... reconcile after and you'll have no strings attached. But your marriage is over

FatihKilic · 2023-01-09T14:55:19+00:00

She’s only flipping her script because she got caught cheating and won’t get alimony. Do not fall for it. Plus man, once a cheater, always a cheater

Commercial-Return259 · 2023-01-09T15:17:04+00:00

Absolutely divorce her while you have a way of not getting absolutely financially crushed. You can always reconcile later if you were to choose but if you reconcile now and in 3 months she decideds to start things back up on the divorce you will get decimated for absolutely no reason.

Be smart right now and put your emotions to the side. Take care of the legalities to insure your future first.

Finally, you can bet if you didn't catch her and had an out of alimony she would still be pushing the divorce. She's only stopped because it no longer makes financial sense for her.

Philly_Twists_1749 · 2023-01-09T15:45:01+00:00

Don’t be a fool, you know exactly what you need to do, BYE BYE FELICIA!

Roto2esdios · 2023-01-09T17:11:40+00:00

Rome does not pay traitors

sotiredofallthedrama · 2023-01-09T18:39:50+00:00

If you have proof and you have the upper hand then get divorced. If you go back then you can’t file under her being unfaithful then she will screw you over again then you’ll be paying alimony and child support etc. take the 50-50 no alimony etc.

ThePhunkyPhantom13 · 2023-01-09T19:00:28+00:00

She should be your big no mans land. She is not a victim of circumstance. She has agency and made multiple poor decisions which has led her down the path she is on. She merely does not want to pay the toll and shirk all responsibility for her actions now that she understands them.

Look at her actions of flip flopping with you. Only when it was laid out for did her feelings for you come back. This is just what she has done in the open to you let alone what else she has still kept hidden.

CrazySanta7 · 2023-01-09T19:42:52+00:00

She's open to work on things? Therapy? Bro, get your life together. You are plan D because her A, B, and C plan did not work out. You think you will ever trust her? No. You think she has any respect for you? No. She will message that other dude in an instanr behind your back. Stop acting like she is the only woman in this world. Get your respect back and proceed with divorce. You are acting like a man with zero options. There is no predicament here. This is not the sub where you are going to get reconciliation advice because reconciliation doesn't last with a cheater.

whothehellareyou209 · 2023-01-09T17:40:47+00:00

Divorce and let her date you. Don't get pulled in

TrainerSpare3674 · 2023-01-10T08:16:16+00:00

This simping shit never ends huh? Disneypsychosis for eternity? Seriously she cheated man, where are your balls? One word to your wife from you. BYE

CommanderOfCheese45 · 2023-01-10T16:39:27+00:00

She cheated? Dump her ass. This is not a no man's land. Do not give up the high ground. Her ass needs to stay on the curb. She needs to feel real consequences for her actions. She's not sorry. She's just sorry that she'd be losing out on the gravy train.

CleburnCO · 2023-01-10T21:49:35+00:00

No.

Do you like being plan B...the ATM machine that she begrudgingly accepts because life without it is hard...

That's not even a choice. Eject.

Scary-Inspector-8315 · 2023-02-14T02:55:34+00:00

Dude have some self respect. Never stay together for the kids. This woman sounds toxic and definitely not wife material.

Title	Wife changing her mind
Author	SeriousFreedom3153
Upvotes	37
Comments	109
Date	January 9, 2023 2:22 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1071x7s/wife_changing_her_mind/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/wife-changing-her-mind.1146416 https://theredarchive.com/post/1146416

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