RED FLAGS: Signs a Man Should Be Cut Off

justrainalready · 2019-12-06T05:05:29+00:00

1) only talks about himself 2) only talks about himself

madeacctforfds · 2019-12-06T08:46:20+00:00

Makes promises/offers but doesn’t follow through.

Doesn’t share anything personal about himself. Surface level conversations only.

Doesn’t tell you about his day or what he’s doing. Or, his answers are always vague. He was with friends or fam “doing stuff.”

Doesn’t give you a firm answer when you ask him to hang out. Always a maybe/I’ll see/I’ll get back to you regarding a hang out. Gets back to you a day before or during day of the day you offered.

Follows tons of random girls on IG. Comments on tons of girls’ posts. (Bet he’s also in tons of girls DM’s.) Still adding tons of girls on IG.

Only hangs out with you on their terms.

Asks to meet up during after dinner hours - 8-9 pm.

Sends memes/gifs too fast as if he has a routine and sends the same ones to tons of girls. Conversations seem formulaic.

Talks about sex too soon. Wants sex too soon.

Asks for tons of pics.

Asks you to come over or comes over to just cuddle and talk too when he should be taking you out on a date.

Breadcrumbs you with small conversations here and there to keep you interested while he’s seeing other girls but never gives you a whole feast (gives you his entire attention).

Disappears and doesn’t talk to you for a few days. He should be talking to you constantly or at least telling you why he’s not contacting you. Guys who care will give you reasons why he’s busy or will be MIA for a while.

Doesn’t introduce you to friends/family. Doesn’t talk about friends/family.

Doesn’t talk to his friends/family about you.

Usually projects that he’s fuckboy one way or another. Like accusing you of talking to tons of guys.

Weird obsessive behavior like randomly checking your phone to see who you’re talking to when he has no right to.

Refers to you two as “talking,” not “dating.”

Doesn’t hang out with you whenever he’s free/he can. Boyfriend material men will always want to spend time as much as he can with you if he really likes you.

Doesn’t say he wants to see you again or offer a date for the next time you’ll see each other after you two hang out. Only says something vague like “it was nice to see you.”

TakeThatUStupidCorn · 2019-12-06T15:44:19+00:00

Glaring: Picky eaters. He wouldn't eat anything besides meat and potatoes. Anything I would cook wouldn't be good enough, and his mother could always do it better, as he always was sure to snidely point out

Subtle: My mother thought I didn't act myself around him. I thought she was being unreasonable. He had just slowly molded me into a different person through manipulation. If you're friends say you've changed, listen.

My mother has become my litmus test for men. She sees things I don't. Like, I had a favorite used book store, and brought my mom there once. When we left, she wouldn't stop going on and on about how the owner of the store has a pit in his basement or something --- yet he seemed totally normal to me, and I had talked to him multiple times. Several weeks later he was arrested for having cameras in the women's restrooms and literally had a bed in the basement of the shop where he would film god knows what horrors.

GCchick · 2019-12-06T14:55:06+00:00

Redflags I've noticed :

Only talks about himself
Doesn't take my goals and dreams seriously
Porn
This one is subtle : he shushed me. We were walking by his aunt's house and he knocked on the shutter to call her just to say Hi and when I simply said a word or laughed (i can't remember which), he was about to say "shhhh" he started but caught himself just in time. Too late, I saw the thing clear as day. There was never a second date. This guy was going to turn out to be controlling and dismissive. You don't shush another adult, especially when there is absolutely no reason other than you being a control freak.
Cuts you off when you're speaking without apologising.
Talks about sex too soon.
Talks about sex in a crude way.
Negociates boundaries.
Doesn't text a lot
CRUCIAL ONE ! -> Doesn't text to ask if you got home safely.
Lives in the past
Is a dick to people like waiters.
Assumes I'll be perfectly happy to be a housewife raising his kids even though I JUST told him I'm creating a business.
Talks about marriage and kids too soon
Talks shit about people for no reason.

I'm sad to say that the redflags I've missed were NOT subtle... The one that I made the mistake of ignoring was going after a guy that just wasn't that into me. Being second choice is not even a redflag, it seems so evident that we should just walk away. I had to make that mistake twice before I found myself, never again.

themewsingone · 2019-12-06T03:40:33+00:00

Calling his exes crazy, generalization about women being terrible/crazy. Has terrible relationship with his family, no respect for his mother.
Passive aggression when in public as a form of “punishment” for something he thought I did wrong.

jackrusselterror1 · 2019-12-06T04:01:25+00:00

Most glaring red flag

Putting himself down. He’s either trying to get sympathy (which is manipulation, don’t fall for it), being honest about who he is (so take it as a gift and move on), or expecting you to fix him. You aren’t his mommy, his therapist, his life coach, or bound to him, so don’t try to fix him or save him, he’s just going to resent you and blame you for staying because he warned you.

Worst flag I fell for:

Misrepresenting himself. He was extremely nice in the first few months, waited until I was attached before starting to represent himself honestly. Billed himself as a feminist ally, cooked me meals, bought me dinner, got me small but thoughtful gifts (a book I was mentioning, a nice chocolate bar, my favorite flower, just because. We cooked together, and I bought little things for him too, so we had a close to 50/50 relationship). Was the first to say I love you, said he saw a future with me, that he wanted to marry me eventually and have children with me (a year in, so not that unusual). Then he stopped making an effort, started arguing and getting snippy, stopped cooking, and eventually admitted he never wanted to move in, be committed, marry, or have children. That he faked it.

I should have been more wary, because looking back, there were red flags. He was pushy trying to get sex, he would get irritable after I suggested doing something, and came on too strong.

carobonara · 2019-12-06T08:40:27+00:00

Lives with an (supposedly) ex-girlfriend. YEET.
Tailgates.
Sings the n-word with no hesitation. You’re white, Neil.
Says he “could never imagine life without you”. That’s a manipulation tactic and it’s nasty.
Makes absolutely no move to introduce you to his friends, even if you’ve met his family. Dude’s ashamed of something, and you don’t wanna find out what.
Regularly talks about his “depression”. No minimisation of mental health struggles here, but I’ve found that male depression often ends up presenting as female labour.

Audderpop270 · 2019-12-06T07:30:10+00:00

Withholds affection or becomes cold and distant when they are upset with you, even after you made up.
Invalidates your feelings. "I don't see why you're so upset by my behavior" etc.

understatedalways · 2019-12-06T11:36:14+00:00

Red flags:

Hates his mother. Talks about how broke he is. Wants a relationship but “not right now, may be ready soon.” Calls you by anything other than your name when you first are getting to know each other-baby/cutie/princess. Becomes overly emotional when he feels like you aren’t giving him enough attention.

level_up_always · 2019-12-06T08:10:20+00:00

Had a child he did not see/was not involved with and when asked "she married someone else and that's the dad now" as well as "if she wanted to find me she would I'm easily googleable" like ok but why don't YOU want to see your kid?! wtf

The ones I missed were mostly when someone told me who they were but I didn't believe them/thought it was cute/charming/bad boy stuff. Trauma bonding is no joke.

China_man93 · 2019-12-06T21:16:42+00:00

Rape jokes... They are never and will never be funny. Comments that degrade women brushed off as "witty/ dark humour". Tbh I have stopped swiping on anyone who has dark humour on their bio, don't get me wrong I love an insanely dark joke but for too many times I have seen it as an excuse to be a c**t

extraacct1234 · 2019-12-06T04:00:02+00:00

Any sort of controlling behavior

Saying he could rape you if he wanted to

not taking no for an answer even for a date or drink

Saying I love you within a few dates

Coming on too strong being too romantic

Missed: Guy told me he would protect me, raped he an hour later

themissdaydreamer · 2019-12-06T14:16:57+00:00

glaring flags:

- talking too soon and too much about getting married. even though you've been talking for a couple weeks and barely know each other.

- toxic parents. ie abusive mother, emotionally distant father. no background or examples on healthy family dynamics.

- being unable to keep a job. if you've been together for six months and he was fired twice then he's the problem.

- can't take care of his health for shit.

- says he doesn't want go too fast on the committent but is eager to get sexual asap.

- projecting their previews relationship problems on you. ie he got cheated on before so he's super clingy and smothering.

- lots of unadressed emotional garbage - expect his girlfriend to fix all his problems.

- has lots of dreams and not a single actual life project. one moment he talks about living abroad, the next he wants to start a business, tomorrow he says he's going to college...but you don't see him moving his ass off the couch to make anything happen.

subtle flags:

- asks for your advice but dismisses it when you don't say want he wants to hear

- his life revolves around watching TV and hanging out with friends. no interesting hobbies, no education, nothing meaningful or purpose filled.

- shows little to no interest to your hobbies unless the ones he also likes.

- wants to take you his place but thinks that meeting your parents is a sudden move.

- turns every harmless banter on everyday matters into an argument he must win.

- shows up dressed like 5 year old who spent the whole day playing at the daycare.

turquoiseblues · 2019-12-07T06:45:09+00:00

Our intuition is our most trustworthy ally, so the biggest red flag is if you feel bad around him or when thinking about him: - anxious - confused - frustrated - annoyed or angry - afraid - insecure - exhausted - depressed

If you don’t feel this way when you’re not around him or not thinking about him, then there’s something seriously wrong, and you need to step away.

ino_y · 2019-12-06T05:36:14+00:00

Glaring : you tell a story (dumb of me, I know) where you say a guy disrespected you, and he sounds thoughtful, but then dismisses that it was disrespectful, and defends and excuses the man in the story that he's never even met.

Ooh another one : he was "punishing it forwards". Whatever he hated about his ex, he'd take it out on me. She cooked with a ton of pots and pans and he hated washing dishes. So he never lifted a finger to wash my 1 pan and 2 plates. All the women who made 1 comment 1 time about something on his body? I got to hear about that shit daily for 2 years.

Subtle : when he introduced me to his family, he proudly said "I found someone", instead of using my name. He was proud of himself. For passing as normal.

He also said women never sat next to him on the bus.

USE THAT PRESELECTION LADIES. IF YOU CAN'T SPOT A PSYCHO, LET HERD-IMMUNITY PROTECT YOU.

More subtle ones : How is he inserting himself into your life? Is he slowly questioning you, seeing where you'll be, inviting himself, getting your email, inserting himself into that, inserting himself into your friends group, tagging along, showing up. Inserting himself into your hobbies. Inserting something of his into your life or house? Giving you gifts or objects he can imagine you using? Sharing an account of some sort (so he can track it). Slowly replacing your sentimental things with gifts he's given you? Was any of this your idea?

perhapsbutnottoday · 2019-12-06T09:10:45+00:00

Updates his OLD profile after a date with you. He’s the one who thinks he can do better. Help him. Block and delete!

charenton_ · 2019-12-06T13:41:52+00:00

Glaring red flags: he makes you feel like garbage about yourself--he verbalizes how you're never pretty enough or thin enough or smart enough and he's doing you a massive favour by spending time with you.

Subtle red flags: he makes you feel like garbage about yourself--he never says anything nice about your appearance or your brain or your personality. He just..doesn't think you're important enough to waste the breath.

ShadowoftheGrimoire · 2019-12-06T11:37:14+00:00

Sulking whenever you talk about something good happening to you

Trying to guilt you into attributing your accomplishments in some way to him (or more sulking)

Telling you you’ll never be able to accomplish anything and should just give up whatever you want to do

Blaming everyone except himself for his own problems

Blaming you for not putting in effort (e.g not calling him enough) when he never makes an effort in that area himself

Doesn’t have his own job yet feels qualified to tell you that you’re terrible at your job

Doesn’t make an effort towards a relationship yet gets angry that you aren’t chomping at the bit to be in an exclusive relationship with him

Tells you how everything he enjoys is so vastly superior to what you like and that you’re dumb for not liking the same things as him

Not understanding that your life revolves around more than just him

Expecting you to to constantly give up your one or two days off a week to be available to him

Telling you to stay in a job that makes you suicidal because he likes the money that you earn since it means he doesn’t “have to” get a job to survive

MonicaLSolis · 2019-12-06T03:53:46+00:00

Any guy that has a purity fetish

CuriousCatNYC777 · 2019-12-06T05:22:49+00:00

Glaring red flags:

No friends.

No plans with anyone else but you

Asks you to pay half on nearly all dates

Talks about sex too soon

Demoted or given less responsibilities at work (boss sees something you do not)

Your friends and family all say there’s something not right about him... or something about him they don’t like (they see something you do not)

Follows thots on Instagram, especially ones in his area... he may have gotten their @ handle from dating apps.

Strangers constantly asking him how did he get you, or telling him that he’s lucky to have you (they see something you do not / you’re out of his league).

Checks out other women in front of you

Multiple Very looong term relationships in the past (10 yrs, 6 yrs, 3 yrs). Many women have been fooled into thinking he’s the one, but he’s a serial monogamist.

Subtle Red Flags:

Says he needs some time before committing, not sure about marriage yet. He’s stringing you along so he can have regular sex. He’ll be sure about marriage when his dream woman shows up.

Hot & Cold behavior

Introduces you to parents too soon. He could be using you to make himself look normal to his family.

Jealous of your career success

Never tells you that you look beautiful, says that you already know that.

Turns phone face down all the time. Takes phone to bathroom with him,

Doesn’t post your pictures on his social media timeline or claim you publicly as his SO.

Still lives at home past age 30.

EDIT: Missed one: Cannot remember his childhood.

butterflymeadowzz · 2019-12-07T17:35:34+00:00

-Talking about his exes in general. More than any necessary brief explaining of past experiences

-Not listening to what you’re saying

-Testing you in anyway negatively- It will start off small. He will say or do something and will seem like a joke and hardly anything to discuss. However, it continues and it seems to get more specific, seems to become more frequent, and before you know it, you’re in for all out criticism.

-Not asking about you what you like, your interests, your goals-NOTHING

-Asking way too much about you without giving any information about him up.

-Him always being busy

-Him having way too much time on his hands

-He never brings you around in his social circle. You never get to meet the important people in his life. Friends, family, whomever it may be. You are consistently out of the loop.

-No initiation/low effort- He’s convinced he’s got you at this point and there is no need to do what you are already doing for him.

-Gaslighting

-Belittling you

-Blames something small on you-it will never end there.

-Name-calling

-Telling you how to look, or dress. Overall criticism of your behavior, even interests or hobbies.

-Watches porn/dependent on pornographic or otherwise sexually aberrant content.

-Lives in his own little world. Does not seem to have an active life, does not get much external stimuli (or so he wants you to believe!)

-Overall lack of self-care.

-Texting too much or as a substitute, without any sign of a date in sight.

-Him seeming excited to see you and all of a sudden something comes up, and he’ll call you later. Someone more valuable to him just popped up.

Just get the fuck out at this point, wish I did!

talaxia · 2019-12-06T03:47:36+00:00

[deleted]

Flauwoor · 2019-12-06T08:08:38+00:00

When he is always on his phone, literally a phone addicition. On his phone when watching a movie, when in the shower, when out for dinner, first thing when waking up... You will get less attention than a damn device. No thanks!

idiosyncraticg1 · 2019-12-06T11:26:40+00:00

Glaring red flag:

Caught in multiple lies

Asshole friends (I didn’t think about it too much back then but ladies, if a man has shit friends which he sees 3+ times a week, he himself is SHIT)

Prioritization of partying instead of studying/working

Loving strip clubs (just not my thing)

Subtle red flag:

Small white lies

Subtle racist jokes

Getting really, really upset when I didn’t have time to hang out with him

Too close with his mom - he would share our problems with his mom and obviously the mom would tell him how he’s right and that I should be the one apologizing

Spending money on drugs

TheLastUBender · 2019-12-06T12:27:38+00:00

Glaring (but ignored, because I was a total clown at 18):

Guilt tripped me into having sex early, whined about using condoms, asked me to confirm I'd have an abortion if he did get me pregnant. Translation: any risk or ethical qualms are exclusively on you, but we fuckin'. Yeah, I stayed with that prize for years.

More subtle: Stalked me on social media and 'confronted' me about irrelevant discrepancies between what I said online and what I said to him (essentially, gave an online community a few extra details, and he was butthurt). Had to ask him explicitly to NOT DO THAT. Insisted on 'helping' me with certain things when I asked him not to. Wasn't sorry to see the back of his controlling ass.

seansmom87 · 2019-12-06T13:18:54+00:00

Glaring red flag: When he tells you he's a very "sensitive" man. Each time my ex did something that hurt my feelings and trust, he would try to "kill himself" to guilt trip me and make me forget that he kissed another girl or similar things like that. Then he would proceed to cry like a grown baby, like literal heavy tears. He almost killed me once for a water bottle, but that's a story for another day.

Subtle red flag: His own mother tells you to try and make him behave. If he doesn't respect his own mother, do you really think he'll respect you? Plus, that's a shitty thing to say, you're not supposed to make anyone "behave" unless they're your own kids.

velocity2ds · 2019-12-06T15:04:24+00:00

he is super careful about making sure you don’t leave anything at his place
you don’t know any of his friends even by name let alone met them

cassabell1894 · 2019-12-06T03:43:32+00:00

Getting frustrated easily at the beginning over everyday things...ended up being with a condescending loose cannon with anger issues

Scotsburd · 2019-12-06T07:33:34+00:00

Mean with money. Has toxic parents (you marry them too). Does not react well to the word "no". Dislikes your friends/family. Obsessively follows a sports team. Has ED. Lives in a manky sloth-pit. Can't drive. Is secretive with phone. Wants anal/threesomes/choking (insert whatever porn inspired deviancy that applies) Has a harem of female best friends who he has fucked. Gets into alcohol fuelled fights in bars. Has a criminal record. Has baby mama's. Plural. Does not pay child support. Has a worse job than you. Has no tertiary education and is proud of going to "the university of life". Claims allergy/aversion to condoms. Has facial hair (personal aversion). Indulges in constant low level crime. Eats like a fussy toddler.

MyGilleyCat · 2019-12-06T03:48:59+00:00

Not "allowing" disagreement. For instance you have a conversation and he has an opinion he is expressing and you start with" that's interesting but," and he never again let's up so you can talk. Any man I've brought this up to has always pretended like he was just " passionate" or just "opinionated "or just" trying to express himself". All those things are fine but at some point shut up let me say something. It doesnt have to be out right "forbidding" but he knows if you can't get a word in, it's on purpose and it's a big no.

snowvember · 2019-12-07T01:29:10+00:00

Looks like we have it pretty much covered here but I'll share some points from my POV :)

Giving you a detailed story about his exes on the first date and always calling his exes "paranoid" and "crazy". Having constantly heard these stories, I used to be so afraid of being labelled as paranoid or crazy and always gave him the benefit of doubt. Wrong move.
Telling you he watches porn after fucking his ex because she was unable to satisfy him.
Always making unsolicited, mean remarks about your friends (or your boss) when he barely knows them. Spice Girls said: "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends." and that is 100% true. My close friends hated him. He would also use this tactic to give me backhanded compliments.
Always talking about himself and his same old problems, even after you gave him suggestions or heard him out the previous 100 times. The guy I dated would say things like "I want to hear all about your holiday/day!" but end up talking about himself and complaining about work.
Always talking how he's not a fuck boy and how he hates cheaters. If someone isn't either of them, they wouldn't be talking about it all the time unless he needs some form of self-assurance.

modernmedusaa · 2019-12-07T07:45:06+00:00

The most glaring signal for me is a SHORT fuse temper and a very immature personality (constant grinning/can't discuss anything of a more serious nature)

The former is a safety threat & sets off my alarm bells that he would be controlling/abusive & doesn't take criticism well, so low value/mentally stagnant. You don't want to develop intimate strong feelings with a man that has a short fuse & you will have constant grievances

The latter is a sign he does not take himself, or women, or anything seriously & that can also be used as a form of manipulation..because he will make a 'joke' out of any issue you have with him. Its humour as a deflection tool to avoid responsibility. It also means you're only going to get a shallow relationship out of him because he has no depth.

Negging can get missed sometimes in the early stage if you have a sarcastic personality that is not easily offended....because you only pick up on the ill intent when you see a pattern emerge...

Lovebombing is also another HUGE red flag- seems 'too good to be true'

Oh and another subtle one: he claims to have a degree in such and such but his vocabulary and knowledge of current events seems very limited. Press him on these supposed topics he knows a lot about

ChamomileSteel · 2019-12-09T17:53:51+00:00

He didn’t tell his friends we were dating while he was on a bachelor party trip to Nashville. When I asked if his friends knew I was his girlfriend, he said, “No...because It never came up in conversation”.

good BYE

riseaboveagain · 2019-12-06T06:30:17+00:00

Poor listening skills

Shares uncomfortable details about himself or his past too early in the relationship

Won’t take no for an answer, even just a bit little pushy

Brags about himself

Future faking: Hinting at or promising wishful future events too soon, or after arguments. For example, joking about what you might name your kids on the first date

grimreapersdtr · 2019-12-06T03:40:15+00:00

I'd say run like hell from any guy who is a habitual porn user, particularly if he's hyper defensive if you bring the subject up.

masterofthebarkarts · 2019-12-06T14:29:50+00:00

Cheating on me
Hadn't cleaned his stove in a year

deusexwarchina · 2019-12-07T03:24:16+00:00

Openly talks about how he dislikes kids/babies and/or animals. It's fine if you don't want kids, I'm childfree myself, but if you mention a young family member or a friend's kid, and he takes that opportunity to bitch about how kids suck the life out of you, how they ruin your life, etc, that tells me that he'll make me feel like a burden the second my issues even mildly inconvenience him. And with animals, this almost ALWAYS pops up the second you mention a beloved pet. He tells you he hates cats when you talk about your furbaby, he likely doesn't give a shit about other people's likes and interests and likely abuses animals as well.

kaoutanu · 2019-12-06T04:46:41+00:00

Glaring red flag: Any suggestion that violence in a relationship (or y'know, in general) is ok.

Obviously violence towards you is an instant cut-off, call the police, warn everyone you know and ghost his ass. But don't overlook comments minimizing or defending other men's violence, like "Men just get angry sometimes", "He won't do that again", "There must be more to it...".

I have zero tolerance for this shit and have instantly cut off over it, and been called every name you can think of including an over reactive drama queen. And in every single instance, the man went on to be violent to another woman. You can take that chance if you like Pickmeisha; but I won't.

Most subtle: If your dog doesn't like him.

BS, right? Quackery, right? And I don't even have a dog. But in every case I've ever heard where an otherwise friendly dog inexplicably disliked a new man, the man turned out to be seriously bad. Like paedophile bad. Hits the dog or steals stuff when your back is turned bad. Dogs pick up on stuff we miss. If you have a dog, pay attention if it suddenly doesn't like someone.

I do have a cat, and I'm not sure I'd trust his judgement...

letsberealforamoment · 2019-12-07T02:30:04+00:00

Substance abuse and addiction.

letsberealforamoment · 2019-12-07T02:51:58+00:00

When he goes into road rage while YOU are driving, leans over you to honk the horn on your steering wheel and flips off the offending driver.

em0873 · 2020-01-31T08:12:59+00:00

Shushed me when I was talking because he wanted to listen to the song he was playing on his phone, as if my presence is less important than his shitty Mac Miller song (no offense Mac Miller, Rest In Peace). Any time, under any circumstance, a man shushes you, it’s a red flag. As women, we are generally taught at a young age to have poise and to understand social situations better than men. Therefore, if a man is shushing you, it’s a power thing and NOT because you legitimately need to stop talking in a certain social situation.
A weird one but BEWARE - every fuck boy I’ve dated has asked me during our first encounter what my Love Language is and gets very excited to say that theirs is Physical Touch. As if that’s an excuse to grope a girl on the first date lmao

APrivatephilosophy · 2019-12-06T04:41:51+00:00

If he seems free and easy about basic stuff, like if you’re uncomfortable with how he drives, and you mention it and he doesn’t adjust how he drives when you’re in his car, HES NOT GOING TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR COMFORT OR SAFETY IN OTHER AREAS.

“Can you not run red lights/go 40 over/eat a whole God damn dinner/tailgate like a MF/write a dissertation on your goddamn phone?”

And if the reply is anything other than AN IMMEDIATE AND SINCERE ADJUSTMENT IN BEHAVIOR WITH NO TEASING OR MOCKING then he’s a douche bag and you need to move on.

Does he actively work on goals and strategize and plan his future? Because if he doesn’t, HES A LOSER AND JUST TRYING TO COAST. You don’t want a loser trying to coast.

Is he over 35 and never been to therapy? Court ordered therapy DOESNT COUNT.

If he’s gotten to age 35 and never been formally taught to manage and regulate his emotions, then the chances are very fucking good that he doesn’t know how.

lasolterita · 2019-12-07T01:24:53+00:00

History of sexual assault
Calling past women in his life terrible/crazy— always siding with his dad whenever his parents argued (which was often).

Blondejobs · 2019-12-07T05:10:31+00:00

Always calling me a saint before he ever really knew me. I knew he had expectations of me being perfect as without mistake.

ms_monquis · 2020-01-28T17:50:22+00:00

1: Cheats.

2: Cheats with you, because "you're different."

(Not exactly subtle, but fuck me for falling for that.)

hyp3lady · 2019-12-06T03:36:57+00:00

"hey hun"

Dawn_Coyote · 2020-01-07T04:01:17+00:00

Tells me he's not a good guy in a jokey way. I didn't believe him.
Tells me he's a feminist.

smg222888 · 2019-12-06T04:47:53+00:00

Most glaring: Speaking of his past relationships- “Looking back on them I am like, wow, I really fucked that up”.

Red flags are usually not subtle.

FlamingFeminist · 2019-12-06T04:57:37+00:00

Even the slightest hint of jealous behavior.

If he's overly-concerned about little things like "Whose that guy you were talking to at work?" dump him YESTERDAY. 99% of the time the one that is jealous is the one you have to worry about.

dackaroo · 2019-12-06T04:00:59+00:00

Subtle red flag: I yawned and he didn't even seem tempted to yawn after. I ignored it, but I still remember.

shuttering · 2019-12-06T05:01:46+00:00

The biggest red flag is a video game addiction, especially violent ones. If your man values pixels over a living human being, RUN.

FinlandGirl · 2019-12-06T07:57:42+00:00

Most glaring: talks about how men and women should be equal, but turns out he only thinks that when it comes to paying on the date and making effort in the start of the relationship 😂 Like, "if you don't want to take an hour's train ride to see me today, why do you expect me to do the same? iS YoUr TimE MorE ValuAble thaN MiNE??" (I had plenty of commitments that day, while he had none). He ended up eagerly taking the train to see me after I said "in that case, we're done"...

Most subtle: has divorced parents.

RiteWriter · 2020-01-26T09:24:48+00:00

Mirroring is another to lookout for. It's so strange how all of a sudden their interests match yours. There may be some originality, but that could be likely sourced from another partner or maybe they are a low-grade Narcissist, garden variety with major insecurity issues. Mirroring is natural to some degree, mirroring your posture and little catch phrases, but I have seen this in both OLD and IRL.

Keep a tally of how many things they have similar to yours. One guy coincidentally had the same Myers-Briggs personality as me, had a grandmother with weird stories, was into art, into a specific kind of traveling, etc... all in a one-day convo. They can twist it a little to make it unique... But it was so weird. He asked what kind of food I liked and I avoided it, and he mirrored my answer. So, it's even in that. He tried to ask again and failed. He also kept saying "sorry if I'm bothering you" to which I ignored it. I also ignored most of his compliments, and he was very excited when I accepted one. RUN. Block.

Some of them are more stealthy--slowly taking on your hobbies and taking on your style, your friend group, etc.

Here's a pretty good starter article:Early Warning Signs You're Dealing With a Narcissist

quasarbar · 2019-12-27T02:21:31+00:00

We met online and lived far apart. We communicated via email and phone for a few months and fell in love (or so I thought). He wanted to meet me in person and made plans to travel to where I lived. He was on vacation with his family but told me he was going to cut the vacation short because he just couldn't wait any longer to see me. Okay. The day he was to arrive was approaching. I was cleaning and tidying my apartment and getting ready for his visit. He told me literally the day before he was going to arrive that he had decided to stay and enjoy his vacation with his family longer, and he'd come see me later. The way he said all of this it was like it was unreasonable of me to expect him to just drop his family thing and come visit. Of course, the fact was that I had never asked him to leave his vacation and come at that time instead of a few days later. Nor would I ever have asked or expected that. It was entirely his idea in the first place and he was the one who emphasized how unable he was to wait to see me. That was one of my biggest clues that he was unreliable and trying to create an artificial conflict between his relationship with me and his relationship with his family, and that he was about to start knocking me off the pedestal he'd placed me on. (Classic borderline devaluation. Unfortunately I didn't yet know about borderline personality disorder at the time.)
Same guy. In one of those earlier emails, he said the following:
"I think I have a wild oscillation of distrust of so many young women that seem so nice and yet interested in communication, to other times when I tell myself that I have such a need for companionship and have blind spots and weak spots, that I should be able to make compromises with just about any reasonable woman."
I assumed at the time that when he said "and yet interested in communication" he accidentally left out the word "not," but in retrospect it would seem more likely he meant exactly what he said. But let's suppose he intended to say the thing that would make sense and make him look like a good potential boyfriend. He was putting on a show of being pathetic and needy (more class borderline stuff) and if I'd been more suspicious or more savvy I might have been concerned that he was obviously someone who just couldn't make a relationship work. I'm no longer in contact with him but last I heard it had been more than ten years and he was still single. No surprises there.

quiet-lurker · 2019-12-06T16:38:40+00:00

Glaring red flag I missed. He told me his dad said I had to start paying for half of our dates because I was working full time and he was still a student with no job.
Subtle. I told a guy I was kinky and he immediately said call me Sir. As soon as I called him out on his bullshit he admitted he knew nothing about BDSM but had seen it in porn and it was hot 🤦‍♀️

RiteWriter · 2019-12-25T03:30:53+00:00

He invited you back to his place for any reason or excuse at first — even to “get his keys.”

Sbplaint · 2020-01-17T20:51:09+00:00

This is mentioned in my other post in a comment, but I feel like it belongs here as well. At the risk of offending any of the Badass Bird Bitches of FDS, I’m going to recommend against having anything to do with men that keep tropical birds as pets. Specifically, men who send you selfies with some neon-feathered, squawking pissypants on their shoulder expecting you to send them a chorus of heart-eye emojis in response. I mean, it’s really not even about the birds themselves...believe me, I love all animals just as much as the next HVF, but anyone over age 40 walking around with an angry parrot on his shoulder is, at least in my experience, surely an LVM and one step away from snake charmer (another profession that should be on the lifetime ban list, if it isn’t already)!

2020-02-23T00:02:14+00:00

Any man that says all he is looking for is a girl that 'appreciates' his sick/dark sense of humour

Everytime, without fail, this implies SO MUCH is wrong and usually their humour is asking if punching women is allowed now because of feminism or saying the n-word

I am happy to explain in detail why you don't trust these guys

luv_dub · 2020-04-20T22:40:43+00:00

Something that I learned specifically during this quarantine period that brought things to an end:

Indirectly refuses to speak on the phone or speak/message more frequently with you.

Does not follow through with the things you need or want from him.

Does not put in effort to make you happy but will be quick to apologize (without changed behaviour).

Doesn't care whether he'll be seeing you any time soon and uses excuses that "the world is on a halt so nothing interesting is going on in our lives".

Your gut or intuition tells you that he'd rather be alone (YOU WILL FEEL THIS), than have to put in any effort.

Agent__Cupcakes · 2020-01-21T14:17:47+00:00

Gambling... at first it seems like an occasional thing then you realize why he is watching EVERY game all the time.

Not taking you out and acting like its a sweet gesture to “stay in together”.

Always has a hangover.

Won’t introduce you to friends... bonus: when asked when you will meet so-and-so (because he mentioned it) he says your humor might be too much for that friend.

Saying he never felt this way about anyone before.

topumasum · 2020-02-08T14:40:11+00:00

I made a google doc listing out all the redflags with all the men I've been with and going out to dates with. 1. First love/sex. I gave my virginity to this guy at the age of 25. I call him the FatFuckingFin because he is Finnish and Fat. Here are the shit redflags.

*Typical “I'm such a nice guy, why no girl like me” complaints and felt that he entitled to it but he complained in a lowkey way and not so blatantly.

*He told me that his ex accused him of cheating, which was why they broke up. His ex was right.

*Behavioral problems--he would do too much alcohol/weed and would do stuff to embarrass himself, like yelling at a pigeon!

His friend said numerous times that he was a f**boy, which I should have believed. They were both equally socially stupid.

*He sometimes lied about not-so-obvious, things and would lie about things like where he was and I would find him elsewhere.

*He actually left me once in a pub without telling me.

*He always changed subjects or stayed silent on a topic I wanted to talk about that made him uncomfortable.

*He was too close to other girls, who were not his BFFs or childhood friends.

*He did not appreciate adulthood because there were too many responsibilities and would talk about childhood how 'sweet and innocent' it was. Now that I look back at it, he was just a manchild who missed being coddled by his mother.

*He counted money, even for buying coffee.

*He told me that he had screaming matches with his ex.

He also talked shit about friends, the same friends who told me that he was a f**boy.

*He actually said Black girls are like shoe polish and he thought it was okay!

*I told him to lose weight for his own good, he was sooo offended.

Result--Took my virginity, ghosted me, breadcrumbed and had sex with me again, only to find out that he was screwing his own friend's GF behind both our backs.

MaterialDragonfruit2 · 2020-05-02T04:16:20+00:00

Some may have already been covered but will be repeated anyway for emphasis:

Always "Busy". (Nobody is this cool!!!)
Bails on plans frequently.
Bails at the last minute.
Always with "family" or "grandma" or "sister".
No car. (duh)
No legitimate source of income. (Must have a real job)
Phone is always facedown.
Always on his phone around you, but takes hours/days to reciprocate contact.
Refuses to define the relationship
1. Then twists and manipulates the conversation into being an argument that you started simply for asking.
2. Then goes cold.
Refuses to talk in depth about any past relationships, whether significant or not.
1. If he is in his late 30's, this is even more important. He probably hasn't had any.
Doesn't talk about himself much, even when prompted.
Gets angry when prompted.
Doesn't put any effort into initiating plans.
Short texts.
Sends your calls to voicemail, frequently, and not during working hours.
Puts down your accomplishments.
Drinks in excess. Always wants to go to the bar.
Inconsistent, sporadic communication.
Has many random female Instagram followers (Most likely met on dating apps)
Late 30's and still very into music festivals and concerts and partying.
But claims to want a family and children.
Never wanting to spend time together on the weekends during the day.
Yelling or verbal abuse of any sort- run.
You have a gut feeling something isn't right.

RiteWriter · 2020-01-26T09:42:10+00:00

You are in a relationship where you never meet his family and there's always an excuse (three years is plenty of time to meet family across the country) & doesn't count if he says certain people know. Whatever.

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parieta1 · 2020-04-12T03:20:26+00:00

They give you a few pet names and never use your actual name (makes it easier to dehumanize you and cheat).
Their circle of friends is always changing. You feel like every day there’s a new person they either hate or are best friends with (for more info look up “the narcissist’s harem”).
They don’t have a solid sense of self. One minute they’re a die-hard indie rock fan and the next they only listen to country music. Same with clothing styles, activities, food, etc.
They like pictures of other women or have a second, private account with only a few followers that they never share with you (a “finsta” for my fellow gen-Z’ers), and the majority of their followers/following is women. If you are with a HVM, he will make sure to introduce you to everyone in his life. There won’t be random women making “guest appearances,” physically OR virtually. He’ll also be too busy courting YOU and looking at YOUR photos to like other women’s pictures. So if he’s liking a beach or sexy Halloween pic of some random from school/work... he ain’t loyal, sis.
They don’t introduce you to their family and/or their siblings dislike you. I dated a guy whose sister despised me, and I never understood why. I was always polite, but I learned very quickly that LV/NVM tend to have toxic relationships with their family. They’re either enmeshed and the family members will be jealous that you get the attention (for now...) or they say shit about you behind your back to the sibling (triangulation). NVM always want to come out on top, even if that means degrading their partner.
He has a lot of female friends... like, a lot. And, for some reason, they all seem to dislike you. This is his way of triangulating you. If you don’t want to be part of the harem, well, there’s someone else who will gladly take your place. Move away from the circus and say good riddance to that.

Edit: another one... he sends you a snap from the shower?? Sir, why is your phone in your bathroom, let alone with you while YOU’RE SHOWERING? Weirdo

byeclown · 2020-03-21T21:51:18+00:00

Repeatedly refers to his ex as "my wife" in conversation. It was way too soon.

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Title	RED FLAGS: Signs a Man Should Be Cut Off
Author	NecessaryCook
Upvotes	174
Comments	147
Date	December 6, 2019 3:32 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/e6sxgs/red_flags_signs_a_man_should_be_cut_off/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/red-flags-signs-a-man-should-be-cut-off.687447 https://theredarchive.com/post/687447