Why is "do literally anything other than a coffee or walk date" so hard for so many men to handle?

ro0ibos2 · 2022-02-25T06:52:24+00:00

texted me a picture of a mutilated animal and asked how long I thought it took it to die from its wounds.

Of all the time I spent on this sub, I’m finally convinced to never give out my number and stay communicating on the app. If this were done through the app, you could easily report him for gore.

Struggleis4real · 2022-02-25T02:06:51+00:00

Done the OLD thing for years, stating any standards/boundaries on your profile will still invite LVM to challenge it. You’re essentially revealing your cards and also letting other men know how to manipulate other women on OLD. You shouldn’t have to justify your boundaries to anybody because you’d naturally do that by yourself.

Random note: I’d remove the walk bio comment. Now they can find you based on your daily habits, and know it’s behind your house once they narrow the trails by talking to you. It’s also an easy invitation to walk dates because “I thought you liked walks with your dog!”

Venting2theDucks · 2022-02-25T00:42:55+00:00

There aren’t that many details to match but OP’s story of the LVM pushing the coffee dates makes me think of my male friend from growing up that I recently did a work project with.

I’m single and to be encouraging he told me how he met his wife by basically making it a numbers game. He said he would set up the same date with every woman, same flowers and dinner date at the same restaurant a couple times a week.

Like…I do believe he was genuinely looking for love but this methodology of sticking to the same people place over and over makes me wonder if it’s laziness like that. This guy just had boxes to check for his lady and he was gonna barely go out of his way. Instead of thinking about falling in love with the person across from him, he wanted the person across from him to come with all the boxes checked of things he loved.

Kinda made my stomach turn.

seraphinelysion · 2022-02-25T00:37:00+00:00

Real Food™

I am rolling! 🤣🤣🤣

FDSMama · 2022-02-24T23:53:53+00:00

Men don’t read profiles more than half the time. I tried OLD again (it lasted a week) and I have mentioned twice that I don’t date smokers. Yet, more than half of the men that liked me had that they smoke. Only a few times did someone clarify that it was medical marijuana (which I note is Ok since it’s legal). Everyone else got blocked immediately because if they can’t take the time to read my profile, they’re not going to take the time to treat me right.

No-Village-3946 · 2022-02-25T00:19:49+00:00

It's about the power trip for them. You said you didn't want to do X and so they are now making it their mission to coerce/manipulate you into doing X so that they can feel special and powerful for getting you to do something you initially refused to do. It also shows them just how fixed your boundaries are and if you budge on this one thing, you'll probably budge on other things too.

moonseekerinflight · 2022-02-25T00:33:33+00:00

Yep, any man that uses the "she's bitter" line can kiss my ass. You just know he's going to start talking about cats next.

sallyseethe · 2022-02-25T00:55:45+00:00

It doesn't matter what you include / don't include in your bio. They don't read them. They swipe right on every woman

ImpressiveHat8550 · 2022-02-24T23:37:16+00:00

Because men are obsessed with thinking that women just want them for a free meal when in reality 99% of the time they were just awful dates and that’s why it didn’t work out. Most women would rather eat microwave ramen or canned ravioli than deal with a bad date but men are so hung up on this victim complex because it’s easier for them to tell themselves that women are after their middle management wages then take a good hard look at themselves and realise they need to work on their personality.

3alabali · 2022-02-24T23:39:43+00:00

They just want to push the idea that coffee dates and walks are going to be the only thing offered. They know you'll say no but want you to second guess your standards

elainejay82 · 2022-02-25T07:37:27+00:00

I think if I were on OLD at this point, I would make myself as absolutely vague as possible on there.

Men are either going to lie to you to make it seem like you're a perfect match on there based on what you wrote, or they're going to work to erode your clearly stated boundaries.

I would probably go the route of presenting them with fuckall nothing to be manipulative with, and watch them like a science experiment as they present themselves to me.

What topics do they bring up? What are their morals, standards?

When you look at it this way, you realize how random and creepy the whole OLD situation is but at least you've removed their ability to manipulate you if you don't put much on there.

Would we randomly approach and have immediate boundary setting conversations with as many men at the store/during the day as we deal with during swiping/sessions on OLD? That definitely puts into perspective how many random weirdos we are trying to get to know on there and how odd it is that we are offering up real details about ourselves before a conversation even happens.

At the end of the day, don't give them anything to mess with your head. After all, these men are strangers, most of them are lying, their pictures are generally not even accurate, and unfortunately most are using OLD as a playground for nefarious shit.

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-02-25T00:13:13+00:00

When you establish boundaries men think it’s fun and games to push against them.

Think of it as their hobby.

namhars · 2022-02-25T02:42:16+00:00

I don’t actually use OLD for the purpose it’s intended for but will look at it if I’m bored. As a result, my profile isn’t that serious and I have myself with a bag of salt and vinegar chips as one of my pictures.

I had one guy suggest a movie, at home, where we both buy our own bags of chips. I had another that told me he would love to buy me said bag of chips. When I told him that was too easy and he could buy me dinner instead, I never heard from him again. I wish this was any kind of embellishment or a joke. It’s entertaining but sad.

ifhewantedtohewould · 2022-02-24T23:56:29+00:00

They hate effort, they don’t want to spend money, they don’t actually want to get to know you, they just want to see if you’ll have sex. Coffee / walk / tourist / drink dates are perfect for scrotes.

smaller_ang · 2022-02-25T01:34:50+00:00

To your point about them maybe forgetting how to read:

They never read profiles.

anabelchoc1 · 2022-02-25T00:06:14+00:00

It's because every guy thinks they're the exception.

Also, unrelated to the nature of the date, men on OLD see everything as a challenge.

You could literally say "I don't like Italian restaurants," and you'll get the same exact response. I know because I've done it, lol.

But yeah, they want something low effort. And they want the ego boost. They won't chase the woman who is fine with a coffee date. They'll chase the one who has higher standards so he can persuade her. It'll feed his ego to be the big, strong man who put a woman in her place.

Also, this applies to a very small percentage of men (like .000001%), some are very clueless about coffee dates. Because it's so normal, they assume it's the standard and don't see anything wrong with it.

A friend asked me about it, and I explained how low effort it was and how, with dinner dates, you can see how they present themselves, eat, treat waitstaff, react when things don't go as planned, etc. He admitted that he never thought of it that way and completely agreed with the points I made. To my knowledge, he never asked a woman out for coffee again.

Coquelicot37 · 2022-02-25T00:15:12+00:00

They want to push your boundaries to see if they can easily disrespect them

smothered_reality · 2022-02-25T04:59:36+00:00

Axe throwing, painting class where you get to chat and drink, pottery class, a picnic, a comedy show, a concert/play/show you might both enjoy, museums…I could go on. It’s not hard, they’re resentful and lazy. Like all of these would work based on a conversation with you to see what kinds of things you both like… Don’t worry it’s not hard if they’re sincerely wanting to have a LTR. It just weeds out anyone not wanting the same thing as you.

FDSfollower1 · 2022-02-25T10:16:02+00:00

Please consider reporting the images of the mutilated animal to law enforcement.

IcedHeart11 · 2022-02-25T00:13:41+00:00

You should take that line out of your bio. To men, it looks like you’ve gone on poor, low effort dates in the past and they will use it against you. They’ll also just try to challenge you and to try to low your standards with that line. I know you won’t lower your standards, but it’ll cut down on a lot of the annoying messages from them

Zeniite · 2022-02-25T00:19:26+00:00

I might caution you against spelling out what your “do’s” and “don’ts” are because the wrong man will look at it as a playbook to manipulate you. If a guy offers to take you out to dinner and hasn’t shown any red flags and you haven’t done anything to lead him to the conclusion that dinner is an appropriate date activity, awesome. But if he offers coffee or a walk “date” and needs guidance on what a proper date is, would you really be able to tolerate the guy over the long term? What if he’s “clueless” about what women like on Valentine’s Day or for birthdays since he’s also so “clueless” about what constitutes a real date? That might just be my reasoning, though. 🤷🏼‍♀️

ThrowRA_lantern · 2022-02-25T01:46:58+00:00

One of the many many reasons they put forward low-effort dates is because of the numbing “abundance” of dating candidates on OLD. They swipe through hundreds of women a day and just seeking a quick fix (often from as many women as possible). It’s like a sugar overload to them. It’s hard to find a man who actually take his time to build a relationships/connection with a woman and actually FOCUS on her. These days, LVM don’t care about your interests or standards, they won’t put in any effort that’s fulfilling, meaningful and unique to you. They go for the woman that gives them a quick fix (attention and sex) with the least amount of sacrifices (of their time/money) even if it’s at the sacrifice of her interests/needs, then these LVM have the audacity to just move onto the next fun plaything.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2022-02-25T02:40:02+00:00

I get down voted to hell when I say men should pay for proper dinner dates and do all the planning.

I think the majority of men on Reddit are incel losers. Like they would have any chance of dating any of us 😂

herbivorouscarnivore · 2022-02-25T01:34:45+00:00

I think they either don’t read your profile, or, like the men old enough to be my grandpa, think they should just shoot their shot.

kumquat_fds · 2022-02-25T03:07:16+00:00

Years ago I stated on an OLD profile “I don’t respond to openers like hey/how are you/etc.” small talk like that. It was pretty effective in weeding out men who didn’t read my profile, but on the flip side, it prompted a couple of LVM to match with me only to harass me about it (“oh you have such picky standards!!”) and insult my appearance.

So even if they read your profile, they might insist on coffee/walk dates out of spite, or as a power move, to see if you’ll give in.

I agree with others that you shouldn’t put what you’re NOT looking for on a dating profile. You want the scrotes to show themselves early. You’re essentially teaching them how to waste your time a bit longer. It’s better when men can’t figure you out. Trust me, they’ll relieve you of their presence when they can’t.

MorthaP · 2022-02-25T11:50:02+00:00

From my experience, men generally don't read OLD profiles. They just message any woman they find attractive.

VintagePallor · 2022-02-24T23:52:10+00:00

Why are you offering to do free tourist stuff with them tho?? The dinner date standard is an integral part of FDS. You need them to show investment (of time and money) and to be available for a proper interview (i.e. talking and vetting over dinner). Anything less than lunch should be a no go!

iacint · 2022-02-25T06:48:19+00:00

first date become coffee is so accepted, in my country we have not " i invite you tu a date " but let's drink tea /coffee togheter" and this is norm! fds opened my eyes, but in deffence i would say that in my country even mcdonals is clean, good fournished, i was shocked when i saw starbucks or holland's bars and restaurant, looked so dirty and cheap.

Golden--Lady · 2022-02-25T01:10:06+00:00

You might not want to mention where you walk your dog. If they Google you and find your location they might be looking for you out in the woods…

fireforestfairy · 2022-02-25T11:06:25+00:00

A lot of men don't read the profiles of women they swiped right on.

Cryptidtitties · 2022-02-25T00:43:24+00:00

I love your edit.

cryptohobo · 2022-02-25T04:42:45+00:00

Because they literally want the most bang for their buck lol. But girlfriend, you’ve got me thinking whether I should mention coffee and walking in my profile, not related to outings but as things that I can’t do. Something along the lines of how I’m allergic to coffee and unable to walk much because of a recent knee injury that’s healing. LOL!! They still won’t get it, but it’ll make me laugh at them more than I already do.

chainsawbobcat · 2022-02-25T01:39:46+00:00

Just take out "I'm looking for XYZ".

RussianAsshole · 2022-02-25T08:55:00+00:00

Stating what you don’t want is exactly how you find what you don’t want, anyone telling you to do so is giving you bad advice. In your OLD profile, don’t state what you don’t want. State what you DO want, elegantly. Worked for me every time.

kantarra · 2022-02-25T18:51:38+00:00

Honestly I think most men don't even bother to read your profile. They just look at the pictures, give the rest a brief skim sometimes and then decide to deploy their standard opening lines.

myheartisfulloflove · 2022-02-25T00:28:40+00:00

“But there’s still a pandemic and I WFH sooo here we are.”

I mean, maybe this is a bit out of touch of me to say, but people can still talk to each other (6 feet away and with masks on) in public and ask each other out. Even with a remote job, there could still be places you can go that exposes you to single men that can chat you up and ask you out for a dinner date. Grocery stores, libraries/book stores, a spinning class, etc.

OLD has like… no HVM on it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Novemberinthechair · 2022-02-25T17:21:38+00:00

The animal mutilation guy is a serial killer. Or hopes to be one day. Yuck.

startrekmind · 2022-02-25T17:37:42+00:00

So I’ve talked about this topic with my brother before. He agrees that it’s a low-effort way for guys to ask out a lady, so if that’s all a guy has planned for a date with you, it’s not worth the effort of going.

What he’s done when he’s been interested in someone (who he doesn’t know very well yet) is to invite them to coffee or drinks with lunch or dinner reservations made in case they do hit it off and want to continue the date. That way, if they don’t, both parties have a way out before they sit down for a meal.

If he’s interested in someone he does know fairly well, then he’ll try and plan something he knows they would both enjoy doing.

The adage “if he wanted to, he would’ve” is true and he’s told me that many times. And I always tell him that I know… he’s backed it up with all the times he’s done stupid things in the name of love.

FluffandRainclouds · 2022-02-25T00:20:58+00:00

[permanently deleted]

katiekat0214 · 2022-02-25T14:40:56+00:00

Laughed out loud at that sentence! LOVE the sarcasm! OWN IT, QUEEN!

lolmemberberries · 2022-02-26T14:07:03+00:00

Putting a standard of boundary in your bio is seen as a challenge to trash men. These are also men who want to roster date, but can't afford it.

Title	Why is "do literally anything other than a coffee or walk date" so hard for so many men to handle?
Author	ShittyPianist
Upvotes	800
Comments	96
Date	February 24, 2022 11:33 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/t0opzr/why_is_do_literally_anything_other_than_a_coffee/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/why-is-do-literally-anything-other-than-a-coffee.1103101 https://theredarchive.com/post/1103101

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