Does someone’s past matter?

henrycatalina · 2022-09-11T12:38:43+00:00

All I heard growing up was your reputation proceeds you. Of course it matters. You can recover your reputation and that is something demonstrated by exceptional action and change. (No excuses).

You do enough of something and that is your unchanging reputation.

Libah05 · 2022-09-11T10:32:28+00:00

Yes it matters. Most men are just too scared of the consequences by asking. Source: Every third thread on this anonymous forum is about n-count.

Don’t get it twisted though; women care about the past too. Don’t know how many women that want to date men who have paid for prostitutes.

CruelAngelGradThesis · 2022-09-11T11:43:06+00:00

For me it does, as an indicator of compatible values.

But I do think there's some room to take into account that people can make mistakes and change. And the severity of those mistakes play a role as well. Having a criminal record and having a promiscuous past do not carry the same weight imo.

DaoMark · 2022-09-11T10:18:12+00:00

I think I might be insane with how willing I am to participate in the same conversations over and over again on this sub, but today is a moment of clarity - I don't think I can engage with this subject for the 100000000000000000th time.

Gigamon2014 · 2022-09-11T11:36:04+00:00

It does. For both genders.

What annoys people is women trying to play it both ways and claim it doesn't matter when it comes to a woman's sexual promiscuity...but then those same people will claim it does when it comes to man, say, paying for hookers.

LaloTwins · 2022-09-11T12:37:14+00:00

Why is this post in that weird scroll quote thing?

John_Oakman · 2022-09-11T10:05:37+00:00

A person's past matters to an extent but it's not something that could be put in numbers on the individual level. So just trust one's instinct.

EnoughObligation164 · 2022-09-11T13:02:22+00:00

If the past didn't matter, we wouldn't have history class. Next question!

poppy_blu · 2022-09-11T11:31:45+00:00

Yeah it does. So if you (proverbial) spent your 20s in your moms basement screeching on Reddit about n counts and hUR pASssT and never dating, never having sex, and not improving yourself at all, you’re going to get judged and pay the price for that.

Now thats what I call equality!

herbb100 · 2022-09-11T12:07:54+00:00

I think everyone’s past should matter as our past shapes who we are, obviously the older you get the less it matters as everyone collects baggage.

I also think the past can low-key predict the future. But in today’s world I don’t thinks it’s possible to maintain that boundary realistically.

nemma88 · 2022-09-11T10:54:25+00:00

Yes, past history can indicate trends.

Sex is of limited use as few people know details about past sexual partners because we don't want to hear it. You may be able to ascertain what type of sex they like, and indeed if they like sex, but unless we're speaking about extreme ends there is much less to be gleaned than people on PPD make out from things like partner count alone.

For example partner count isn't directly tied to future behaviours the same as previously cheating on someone is, that is the direct contextual behaviour for cheating.

chingness · 2022-09-11T11:37:43+00:00

Past matters, value alignment matters. The issue of men and n count here is not so much that they care about a woman’s past, it’s that they are often hypocritical about it or want to have definitive rules with no nuance.

A lot of opinions are stated as fact and these views don’t really reflect reality or perhaps do reflect some people’s reality but don’t allow for the wide differences in peoples life experience.

When I read the n count posts here about how these men won’t date someone with an n count of x or above - it reads to me as “I’m rejecting these women before they reject me” because it’s usually written by a person who doesn’t really have options

ThrowawayYAYAY2002 · 2022-09-11T10:37:29+00:00

Absolutely.

VastlyVainVanity · 2022-09-11T18:29:53+00:00

I've always found the idea of the past not mattering so silly.

We literally are our past.

There is not "present self" that is disconnected from the past. We are the culmination of our decisions up until this point.

In the case of promiscuity: if a woman has slept around from when she was 16 y/o up until when she was 23, then that's who she is. Sure, she may choose not to be like that from then on, but:

The past is the best predictor of the future. A woman who has displayed that kind of behavior will most likely keep doing it.
Even if she actually changes, she'll still be a person with that in her past. Her reputation will have that in her past. Guys who treated her like a fleshlight will see her like that even though she's changed. The past doesn't get magically buried, even if you change.

I think that the reputation aspect is usually overlooked in these discussions btw. People act as if wanting to be with a partner with a good reputation is puerile, or that it displays insecurity, but I for one certainly wouldn't want to date a woman with the reputation of a hoe.

FFTzzz · 2022-09-11T16:00:47+00:00

Women will judge every damn aspect of your past extremely harshly. Everything from your childhood to relationship history to you career path. Also let's not start with extreme rare things like a criminal past, women will find ways to project red flags on you for way more mundane crap.

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tired_hillbilly · 2022-09-11T15:31:54+00:00

Why does this post scroll horizontally wtf??

LadyofTheGreyPath · 2022-09-11T19:24:03+00:00

Depends on the past.

DisasterPeace7 · 2022-09-11T13:51:17+00:00

Women care more about a man's financial future, men care more about a woman sexual past

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2022-09-11T10:33:19+00:00

Somethings in past matter others don’t.

I did Clare’s law on my husband, I have been in an abusive relationship before.

If someone was an addict I would want to know so I could be considerate but also look out for sings of a relapse.

If I found out they had a past history of cheating then it would be a no go.

If they have violent past would be a no go

If they slept around but were clean I don’t see a problem

SmilesLikeMardiGras · 2022-09-11T13:17:11+00:00

i think a person's "past" can tell you lots of things about who they are (i dont think predict is the right word), what i dispute is that what a person does when they are SINGLE indicates what they do when they are in a relationship. their "past" that indicates relationship behavior like cheating is how they behaved in previous LTRs. i have never understood the connection between casual sex when single and taken behavior. when youre single and having casual sex, youre not in love, youre not commited to anyone and you arent breaking any promises or deceiving someone you claim to love when youre having sex--so how does it predict how youll behave when you are?

ChadChasingB · 2022-09-11T13:12:17+00:00

Of course it matters. Usually the only people complaining about it are the ones that can't offer what they are seeking and they expect other traits to make up for it. "BuT iT'S DiFfErEnT!!" No, it's not. Anyone can judge you and reject you for any reason or no reason at all. Tough luck, buddy.

New_Presentation_876 · 2022-09-11T17:54:13+00:00

Yes the past matters to everyone. If it doesn’t, then there wouldn’t be such things as a resume, background checks, genetic/family health tracing, court records, criminal and medical history etc. being important documents of information. The best predictor of the future is a person’s past. It’s why those who did one thing are statistically more likely to do it again irregardless how large the number is.

IMO, those who are extremely secretive about their past/unwilling to share and act hostile about it is red flag behavior. This is because people who feel that uncomfortable about their past is due to shame and that shame most likely comes from something they know is not good. They most likely know they did things they weren’t proud of an wish could be wiped off their record/hoped that they’ve changed but aren’t sure how true it is and thus may choose to lie by omission or straight up lie. Rather than give the chance for someone to evaluate how bad the past is, this person makes this choice for that person by making it a non contestable issue.

Not everything in the past will reoccur. People can change but also not by that much. But the chances that it will especially for unhealthy or dangerous behavior is higher than the average person who has yet to commit any of those actions. It’s important information for evaluating compatibility, and deciding what flaws a person can live with in their partner and how to go from here on out to live with it.

_revelationary · 2022-09-11T11:30:38+00:00

The past matters for certain things to some people, and it looks different for everyone. I have yet to come across someone strongly arguing that men shouldn’t care about sexual history or promiscuity. If you want to care about this and screen your partners accordingly, do it. There is nothing stopping you, except maybe the limited number of available women who will meet your standards.

2022-09-11T13:49:11+00:00

Of course it does. That's why you should know what you want and interrogate your dates.

alphasupremacy5555 · 2022-09-11T14:45:25+00:00

I guess depends on the person. It's different for everybody depending on exactly their past is. Me personally I don't want a slut or a whore for a serious girlfriend. It's stupid to for a man to ask a woman her body count because she's not gonna tell him the truth about that. Why wouldn't she? Because she know that tons of guys don't want girls who've slept around long-term. If she's had so many guys before then serious commitment is idiotic. I wanna know that she's really ain't that girl. I want a girl who knows that female promiscuity is a bad thing.

Slipthe · 2022-09-11T14:45:29+00:00

It does matter, but you also gotta ask yourself would you do what they had done in their past if you were in their situation?

Smitten_Squire · 2022-09-11T17:45:36+00:00

Of course. Look at the past to see the persons future. You can't turn a hoe into a housewive lol

Bikerbats · 2022-09-11T20:54:16+00:00

Here's the catch: Most promiscuous people eventually become monogamous people, myself included.

ashleyrose56 · 2022-09-11T13:32:32+00:00

It matters, but not for the things this sub is obsessed about, like promiscuity.

It matters if you have a criminal record. If you have a history of agression. A past addiction. Things that still matter in the present.

If my partner has had 0, 10 or 500 sexual partners, I couldn't care less. If he has paid for sex workers, I couldn't care less.

TermAggravating8043 · 2022-09-11T14:03:52+00:00

Seriously, this again.

If you don’t want to be with someone with a high body count then just don’t. Your entitled to ask, they’re entitled to either tell you or not and you can do what you want with that.

Stop shaming women, we know your either jealous or insecure

Ylduts · 2022-09-11T10:42:40+00:00

Specious argument.

pearllovespink · 2022-09-11T13:36:34+00:00

The logic you presented is way off. Yes, someone’s past matters but you should not be focused on body counts! When I ask about your past I’m looking at your dating history and your upbringing. Are you a product of a two parent household? How was your childhood? How long did the relationship last, when’s did it end, why did it end, is there anything I need to know about that relationship etc. Why would you be focused on sex if the goal is a relationship? You should be focused on relationships and asking relationship questions for compatibility or any red flags.

You all really don’t know how to date and it shows.

There’s absolutely no point in asking for body counts. I’m waiting for someone to come up with one that actually makes sense. Most women with high body counts lie about it anyway and you have no clue of knowing what the truth is.

There’s so many more important things with substance to discuss regarding someone’s past. Asking about bodycounts is such a low vibrational question and yes I’m judging you.

HumanNumber348 · 2022-09-11T11:18:56+00:00

The past doesn’t matter on its own. But the underlying reasons for why the past happened are very relevant.

If a person has raped kids in the past, that’s a pretty good indicator that the guy has some serious issues that probably haven’t magically disappeared from their brain just because a lot of time has passed.

Ganajin · 2022-09-11T16:15:54+00:00

Absolutely it matters, but not for the reasons men here believe. Sex is not always consensual and if someone was raped or molested as a child, it damages them for life. I had to deal with the fallout from a few people who were molestation victims and they manifested their damage as alcoholism, drugs, mental illness, or extreme promiscuity or rigid prudery. It matters.

But this idea that a woman had sex in college and now she is forever used meat? Get over it.

midwesternMD · 2022-09-11T17:39:56+00:00

All the examples you cite are relevant and direct comparisons of past behaviors that are pertinent to present concerns.

I think what a lot of people on PPD get hung up on is someone’s sexual past. If someone cheated previously, I would say that they have a higher than average risk of cheating in the future. And for some (probably most), that’s going to be a dealbreaker. I don’t see the problem with this.

Where I take issue is people who seem obsessed with n count. Does having slept with 5 people in 5 years of dating predict someone will do that again? Maybe. If they’re single again. I’m simply not convinced that total partner count has a significant bearing on the ability to be monogamously happy in a long term relationship. Hell, what if a woman went to a frat party as a freshmen in college, got roofied, and was assaulted by 20 brothers in a night? Sure, she’d have to work through the trauma. But if she puts in the work, is she incapable of having a successful long term relationship for the rest of her life? Doubtful.

If people want to consider someone’s past (as in n-count) as a risk factor, sure. But I very much doubt there is a statistically significant causal relationship. And if it isn’t causal, I’m not going to worry about it.

ClaraBow01 · 2022-09-11T11:19:01+00:00

Depends on what it is. If you committed a horrible crime like child abuse, then there’s no going back for me.

However, I believe that, in general, we should judge people by who they are in the present. Everyone’s past influences them, but people can decide to continue a pattern or change for the better. When I was younger, I’d bite my nails a lot. I’m not anymore, so does that past have an impact on me. Yes, and that’s how I improved.

Psych_FI · 2022-09-11T12:01:06+00:00

Yes. I don’t think you can entirely ignore it honestly and it would be stupid to do so. However, I think where my frustration lies is in placing value of the number of partners vs attitude/values.

I lose respect when someone asks about my body count and I’m not interested in someone that leads dating that way. It’s presumptuous to think you are entitled to my private info and it should come out naturally in conversation and with context. You are free as a guy to bail whenever you like if you’ve find someone’s count too high.

I similarly don’t ask a guy out right how much he earns or how much he has saved but will gauge from many indirect questions their attitudes and context. I think it makes sense to understand context before jumping to conclusions.

But I don’t get guys that prioritise body count over character traits unless you are religious - I’m interested in if they cheated, do they have insight in past dating, can they learn from their mistakes, trauma, do they use sex for ego, are we compatible sexually,

Any-Bottle-4910 · 2022-09-11T13:34:48+00:00

I don’t know… according to modern standards I might be an evil misogynist, but way back in the 80’s I was like “why is it cool for him but not for her?”

I understand the evolutionary motivations for avoiding marriage there. Truly I do, but this is the 21st century. My attitude back then led to lots of appreciation from some girls that my friends wouldn’t date -and some useful education when I admitted I didn’t know how to effectively do this or that. Also learning to never kiss and tell led to even more appreciation as an adult. Trust, fellas, she’s done more than she’ll admit to, so why ask at all? Just appreciate the skills she brings and don’t think too much about how she got them.

For what it’s worth, I was fucking wild when I met my wife… she knew it and accepted it as long as I was faithful to her… and I have been. Why can’t the women in your life get a bit of the same? Exception: if she slept with half your friends.

risdeveau · 2022-09-11T15:05:29+00:00

Sure. Your standard or idea of “what matters” might not be realistic or accurate, however

PMmeareasontolive · 2022-09-11T15:29:57+00:00

Yes but the question is how much, and why? Does having been drunk a few times make one an alcoholic? Does having smoked pot in college make one a drug addict? Does having had a few gang bangs (or just a few normal sexual experiences) indicate one has low impulse control? Nobody is arguing that evidence of actual compulsive behavior is a red flag. The question is what's "normal" behavior, and is that a red flag.

In a similar thread a few no-sex-til-marriage types testified that they thought they were happier for it. My informal count was virgins 2, sluts 0. But feminism was built on narratives of women who married w/o experience and became dissatisfied with their marriages.

greedyleopard42 · 2022-09-11T16:07:40+00:00

the whole picture matters. i wouldn’t say n count in general holds much weight unless it’s like 100s.

for instance, current partner was with 15 people before me. he’s a couple years older for one, and we’re both young so who knows if i would have had that number at his age.

it bothered me at first. i tend to prefer someone with a similar number to me because i feel weird and insecure otherwise. but then i learned that over half of those were from one summer when he had just turned sixteen(fifteen?) and he visited his brother at college, where his brother told everyone he was much older so he could go to the parties. big mistake on the brothers part. of course a sixteen year old kid is gonna want to run wild in that situation, especially one with self esteem issues who is suddenly getting a lot of attention from the opposite sex. i can’t say i wouldn’t have done the same at that age. he doesn’t even like thinking back to it because he gets grossed out and feels like he was too young for all of that in hindsight.

when you take out that sixteen year old summer of craziness, we do have a similar number lmao. that was years ago anyway

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2022-09-11T16:57:05+00:00

Eh my partner was a bit slutty but I find it cute. He enjoys sex. Excellent so do I. He has no STD's. Excellent neither do I. Pasts absolutely do matter, but it's a question of how you interpret that past.

Comparing having some casual sex to literal child or alcohol abuse as being on par is problematic because they're well, not.

Embarrassed_Cup2524 · 2022-09-11T17:41:25+00:00

Yes because it defines their future

Katatonicsnake · 2022-09-11T17:48:19+00:00

If a recovering alcoholic was looking to date, and connected with someone who drank regularly, should they believe them if they said “If we started dating then I would stop”?

Sounds like that recovering alcoholic is more interested in their own past, as they should at that point in their life.

Single parents, would you date someone who was convicted of abusing kids?

Again, you mention the person being single parent before you mention what the other person was convicted for. Both are relevant, but for the single parent, their own decision to have kids is the most relevant one.

So why should people looking for monogamous relationships disregard a potential partners sexual past?

People should do things that are best for them. If they are secure and happy and interesting in the other person, the number of sexual partners in the past is not that important. Then they can actually consider why and when it matters. I really can’t see why some wild summer in their early 20s would be important if you’re starting a relationship with someone when they are close to 30, for example. But obviously questions may arise if they were taking home other women just a month ago.

So I think your own past matters more than the other person’s past. If you’re content with your choices, you don’t see things as black and white.

Dagenius1 · 2022-09-11T19:25:23+00:00

Lol of course it does. Putting relationships aside, everyone here is benefitting or suffering today, jobs finances fitness, from what they did in their past

DrinkItInMan11 · 2022-09-11T21:22:49+00:00

I will never understand people saying that your past doesn't define you, it absolutely does. Your past behaviour is an indicator of your future behaviour.

GlamSunCrybabyMoon · 2022-09-12T03:01:22+00:00

Of course it does. If someone has a pattern in their relationships (romantic and platonic) I’m going to assume that they will continue it. I’d be particularly concerned about violence towards others and if someone always happens to be the victim in every situation.

shadowofdoubt13 · 2022-09-12T03:28:21+00:00

_Remember_me_not_ · 2022-09-12T09:08:40+00:00

People can change for better or for worst but the one thing that people remember more than your good deeds are your bad choices and for good reasons. Your bad choices not only affects you but those with you and around you.
As for someone's sexual history, it is a very good metric on how someone will be in a relationship and should not be undermined at all. The choices can reflect their core personality which has been developed along with their lifestyle and how they might behave in future relationships.
It may help you gauge your compatibility and future with them. For example, a person who wants a free and open relationship might not be compatible with someone prude or traditional.

dbz19_kai · 2022-09-12T09:38:39+00:00

It matters if it matters to you. It doesn't matter if it doesn't matter to you.

Does someone's hair colour matter? Does their height matter? Does their job matter? Does their weight matter? Does it matter if they have tattoos? Does it matter if they are divorced?

Everyone has things they weigh and value, and things they don't care about. Whether the past, or anything for that matter, "matters", is not a one size fits all question.

For some it does, for some it doesn't.

Acceptable_Parking96 · 2022-09-12T09:42:39+00:00

Someone’s past is the most important thing as everything that ever existed is in the past. Your past defines literally who/what you are. The only way to guess your future is through your past since everything you did in the past shaped who you are today. It is most realistic to assume that people who had habits/tendencies in the past will repeat them in the future.

Holiday-Reach-8948 · 2022-09-12T10:18:29+00:00

I like what someone else said in here on another post, “our past does not define us, but it can shape us”. Also, I think it’s very different to judge someone for their past than it is to acknowledge it.

Abusing kids vs screwing a bunch of people before eventually settling down is a terrible and unfair comparison… I wouldn’t even say it’s comparing apples to oranges. It’s comparing apples to aliens.

For me personally, it did not matter at all. The only way it would have made a difference is if my now husband had made a kid with someone or had an STD - I would have had second and third thoughts then.

I understand why it matters for sone though. However. I think it’s extremely hypocritical to have had a bunch of sex partners yourself, but expect anyone you want to have a meaningful relationship with to have a low or no body count. Just my opinion on it.

Title	Does someone’s past matter?
Author	Ylduts
Upvotes	21
Comments	335
Date	September 11, 2022 9:53 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/xbeiwi/does_someones_past_matter/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/does-someones-past-matter.1131431 https://theredarchive.com/post/1131431

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