I’ve read a lot of management and social skills books, and they all have something in common. When you read them, everything feels clear. You understand what the right choices are, why they work, and what you’re supposed to do.

But real life doesn’t work like that.

When you’re actually in a situation, you don’t just pick from a clean list of “correct” options. You have to come up with those options on the spot, while dealing with pressure, uncertainty, other people’s reactions, and a lot of variables you can’t control. It’s not simple at all. There is no clear list of red flags. The same behavior can be interpreted in different ways, and it’s often hard to tell if something is just a mistake or an actual red flag. At the same time, someone can act considerate overall, and the only warning sign is a small comment said in passing. You are not dealing with a clean version of a situation where the important parts are highlighted. You have to figure everything out in the moment.

That’s why it always stands out to me when some men talk about how easy it is for women to “vet better.” It sounds very book smart. Like someone who understands the theory, but hasn’t really been in those situations.

And this is not just about that one example. It feels like a broader pattern. Men can read about women’s struggles, but not really understand them. It stays abstract, like words on a page. And because many of those struggles are connected to men’s behavior, some men react defensively. Instead of trying to understand, they dismiss those experiences altogether.

At the same time, women are usually more exposed to men’s perspectives. Through media, conversations, advice, it’s everywhere. So women are expected to understand men, while men often don’t develop the same level of understanding in the other direction.

And that gap shapes perception. If women’s struggles are invisible, minimized, or dismissed, then all that remains visible is the outcome. And often, that outcome includes things men want. From that limited view, it’s very easy to build a picture where women seem privileged, because the costs, risks, and pressures behind those outcomes are not being seen or taken seriously. What you end up with is a skewed version of reality that looks simple from the outside, but is not simple at all when you’re actually inside it.