Ladies, I'm in desperate need for some advice. Please help!!!

yoursultana · 2022-02-04T17:55:11+00:00

RUN. Kick him out of your life now. There’s literally no question about it. He’s disgusting and depraved and using you. Read the handbook.

hopeful_flounder93 · 2022-02-04T18:25:11+00:00

Honey, when I was your age I dumped a guy, moved across the world, and got a PhD. Never looked back.

I know what you're feeling, and even without the porn (although if you were looking for a sign, this is it), a man should never hold you back from living your life for you. Especially not a BOYFRIEND.

The right guy will move mountains to make sure you're happy. I had a boyfriend who uprooted his entire life so that I could take on an internship that was basically my dream job... and he was so excited for me the entire time. No resentment, no begging, just wanted to see me smile. Being born female doesn't condemn you to playing background character to some scrote with an addiction to onlyFans. You can do better.

My dad spent the last 35 years doting on my mom. She met him after she pursued her dream of... also moving across the world (it runs in our family 😅). One of the only other marriages I've ever admired featured a Canadian man who went to a conference in DC, met his wife, and promptly moved there after a few months of long-distance dating, because she was an attorney & he wanted to support her career. They have two kids now & are both thriving.

Another thing: rising to your potential will put you in contact with HV people that are more likely to be a better match. Honestly, I look at the types of dudes my friends who stayed in our backwards little hometown are stuck with and it makes me want to retch - I'm talking barely literate gorilla types. I haven't met anyone for me yet, but I got to know some seriously lovely, self-aware, empathetic men that quite frankly give me hope in the world.

sexualfoodpantry · 2022-02-04T18:41:48+00:00

He is normal...for someone who is not into you and not ready to settle down.

As for your feelings, also completely normal for 23.

OMG I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. I CANT LIVE WITHOUT HIM.

Nothing about what you wrote suggests this man is a catch, in any way, shape or form. But to you he's a prince, right?

That's mama nature wrapping you into a nice little estrogen trap.

A couple decades later you won't want to touch the fool with a 10 foot pole.

night_glitter · 2022-02-04T18:27:27+00:00

You can either dump him now or waste more of your life with him before you dump him later. Men like this start with smaller lies, and if you brush them off, it teaches them that they can get away with this and more. If this guy’s not cheating on you already, he will eventually, and trust me, that will hurt a lot more than kicking him to the curb now.

Vaahla · 2022-02-04T18:49:50+00:00

I’d rather be single than playing house with a man who talks about other woman that he wants to “cum in” that’s disgustingly disrespectful.

I feel like this really crosses the line of “expected” bro talk. Like if he said “she’s hot” when Buddy sends him a snap of some chick’s tinder profile, that’s “normal” bro talk. They’re saying racist sexual stuff.

This goes beyond that. They are looking for women to sexually interact with (only fans) paying for access to womens bodies (only fans).

This is rooted in misogyny, and you will not find happiness with a misogynist. You’ll never be equals, because he doesn’t see women as humans, independent beings with souls.

P.S. never have a child to keep a man. That’s a whole ass human being you’re creating, it’s not a gift to be taken lightly. You’d get pregnant, destroy your body, spend all your time and energy on your kid (while your career suffers and stagnates), be responsible for everything, and he will still leave you one day. But not until you’ve destroyed yourself trying to please him.

You deserve better.

lvrcalii · 2022-02-04T19:28:52+00:00

Hey love.

Sunken Cost Fallacy is when you keep something around based on the investment you have made rather than your current feelings. I think that is what is happening here based on your statements.

The statement "I would cum in her" is so horribly degrading and gross. A part of you knows that.

It is normal to be scared of change, but it is silly to stay in the same place when it is clear you have outgrown it. You have outgrown this man's gross behavior and realize that you desire freedom. Go get your freedom.

I promise, I SWEAR that thes kinds of men are very, very available if you ever regret letting this one go.

Very kindly, A concerned internet friend.

millennialpink2000 · 2022-02-04T17:57:31+00:00

He's currently living with you and your mom and talking to his friends about girls he'd like to "cum in". That's a hell no. He's blatantly disrespecting you and your relationship. He's jealous of single guys who get "all the girls" which means he clearly doesn't think he's lucky to have you. He's lying to your face about who he follows and what he does.

The things you get from him—watch movies, work out etc—could be accomplished alone or with a pet. You don't need this guy, he adds nothing to your life. He benefits from having YOU around. That shouldn't be ok with you.

ConstantNurse · 2022-02-04T18:19:41+00:00

Uh yeah.

This guy is a LVM. Drop his ass.

You said you made the decision to “Give up on a lot of your dreams”. No HVM is ever going to interfere with what you want in life or force you to change your mind. You didn’t make this decision on your own accord, you did it to please him/keep him initially.

Ditch his ass.

Kerrypurple · 2022-02-04T18:42:32+00:00

If you've been thinking a lot about breaking up it's your mind's way of telling you that you should break up.

Carneliancat · 2022-02-04T19:40:11+00:00

Nothing in this post even suggests that you have read the handbook here. Start there.

spinsterchachkies · 2022-02-04T17:54:37+00:00

That’s gross behavior. That’s not “normal” guy behavior it’s just gross. He has problems

Fun_Sherbet · 2022-02-04T19:23:48+00:00

The hurt of breaking up will be nothing compared to the damage this man will continue to inflict on your life.

Odd_Web3101 · 2022-02-04T17:58:25+00:00

Wtf? This guy has some serious issues

AdmiralRando · 2022-02-04T19:31:22+00:00

Let’s break it down a bit. “Normal guy behavior” means discussing women as fleshlights with other men? The poor dears don’t know any better? Oh these darling men, so hopelessly led by their cock…perhaps he will get post-nut clarity and start treating women with basic human dignity!

Whether or not this is normal is not the question. The question is whether you want a person like this in your body and in your house.

sewingmachinesavior · 2022-02-04T17:50:15+00:00

If he wanted to stop looking at porn and scantily clad women, he would.

He lives with you and your mom, he’s a leech.

If you have babies with this man it will be the biggest mistake of your life.

Follow your dreams.

Purple-Try8602 · 2022-02-04T18:27:02+00:00

He said he would cheat on you. What more do you need? Would you say about another man, “I would ride that guy until my pu __ y was a geyser”? No. If you would, you guys are a decent match but I struggle to believe you would state your intentions TO CHEAT if given the opportunity. He did.

cottoncandyisthebest · 2022-02-04T18:50:36+00:00

You are only 23. Follow your dreams with nothing holding you back. Be with a man in the future you don’t question or have concerns about. My ex had an extensive list of thots he followed on IG. When I saw it I broke up with him. Then caved because everyone said it’s no big deal all men do that. But no, it’s a problem. You are right to feel the way you do. We broke up ultimately. In my view, it’s like a mix of porn and keeping a dating profile open. Liking thots is like swiping right on everyone on Tinder. You are hoping to be noticed. Maybe they will respond your DM or like. Either way, you are not it for them. When they level up (probably thanks to you) they will toss you to the side.

lostmillenia · 2022-02-04T19:10:39+00:00

Come on lady. He doesn't respect you. Hes pretending. He is who he is when talking about onlyfans with his friends. Hes doing sketchy shit.

Thank god you found out.

You will be so relieved when he is out and you dont have to babysit/worry anymore!

nolongerhume · 2022-02-04T19:33:10+00:00

Umm you need us to tell you that you should kick out your disgusting loser BF? He's doing this shit while living at YOUR mom's house. He has no respect for you or your relationship.

BTW red flags are indicators that tell you something may be wrong. You just listed whole ass problems showing how awful your BF is. They aren't red flags at this point. I mean reread what you wrote, reflect how you're feeling right now and ask yourself again if this relationship is worth it.

I'm sorry but this isn't that other trash fire relationship sub where we're going to tell you to communicate or stop being insecure about porn. The answer is pretty obvious. Kick him out. Block and delete.

ProgramUnfair4738 · 2022-02-04T18:31:57+00:00

Not normal behaviour. And if he’s talking that way to his friends in private, he’s probably one of those guys who will use the whole “it was peer pressure” excuses if you call him out on it. And not only does that mean he’s likely to cave to “peer pressure” when it comes to strip clubs etc, it also means he’s weak AF.

If he’s hiding what he looks at from you/lying, (holding his phone close to his face and lying about porn use), then he’s actively engaging in behaviours he knows will hurt you. He’s literally okay with hurting you for the sake of insta thirst traps and LVM bravado with his mates. He’s also okay with potentially losing you over those things. He does not value you as you value him.

It’s likely going to hurt, but ditch him. That bond with someone who values you is out there.

c_a_t_lady · 2022-02-04T18:06:45+00:00

Your feeling hurt is understandable, and it's surely rough emotionally. I recognise that you have a bond with him, but that doesn't mean he's right for you.

It might not be easy, but you should leave him. Just because it hurts, doesn't mean it's the wrong choice. Additionally, you'll hurt more in the long run if you stay in this relationship.

The things you mentioned alone are more than enough of a reason to break up. He isn't going to change, he'll just become a better liar.

You deserve better than him. 💕

pozerdm · 2022-02-04T17:51:20+00:00

The main mistake I made in my last relationship (of 5 years) was thinking I needed an excuse to leave and not realizing all the different reasons I could pull from my pocket on why I should.

It’s been one year. You’re young. And there’s definitely better out there.

clytemnestra_23 · 2022-02-04T17:52:13+00:00

You shouldn’t be questioning yourself for looking through his phone. All women should snoop. When I’ve snooped I found dealbreakers exes were deliberately hiding because they knew they were dealbreakers for me.

The conversations he is having with his scrote friend shows you who he really is. HVM don’t feel the need to objectify and degrade women. I’m dating someone right now and it’s too early to label him a HVM, but when I’ve snooped his conversations with friends are about meeting up to hang out, where to buy specific items for his hobbies, and innocuous memes. Not anything close to what you describe in your post. Your bf is a certified LVM based on his chat history.

Particular-Bake7774 · 2022-02-04T18:37:15+00:00

This could literally be me posting about my ex. Everything, and I mean everything.

It was really hard to actually go through with the breakup, for the reasons you mentioned, but it’s two years later and good heavens I can’t believe I dated him that long given how much he disgusts me, probably did then too although I felt like an asshole in admitting it, even to myself.

Confidence_Relative · 2022-02-04T19:45:27+00:00

Jesus. The bar is in hell. Ignoring all these red flags is pick me behaviour. You should want much more for yourself.

hyperjinxx · 2022-02-04T18:57:42+00:00

👑You wanting to leave is reason enough to leave 👑

melympia · 2022-02-04T20:45:12+00:00

Oh wow, there's a lot to unpack here. Let's get started. *cracks knuckles*

Your BF is obviously someone who uses porn a lot.
1. He also has friends with whom he talks about it. Scrote friends. Never underestimate their influence. (I'm not saying that your BF is any better, tbh.)
2. He has a racial fetish - I wonder where you fit in here...
3. He totally objectifies women.
Your BF is a liar. Probably even a compulsive liar.
Considering #1 and #2, chances are that he will cheat on you when and if he can.
1. Chances are that he doesn't dare to cheat yet because he lives with you and your mom for very little money. He is still dependent.
2. Once he's done with his education and has a well-earning job, he's probably going for his [insert racial fetish] dream woman and leave you high and dry.
Why is it even in the forefront of your mind that you should get married and have children with this man? Is that something he wants?
You already repeatedly mentioned other red flags. You know what a single red flag is? It's a very clear signal to stay away from this guy. And you already have a whole parade with him...

I think that you already know what you need to do, so I'm not going to spell it out.

VintagePallor · 2022-02-04T18:16:32+00:00

This sounds like something from another sub, I'm frankly shocked someone with an FDS Disciple flair could write this. You already know what you need to do. You already know what we're going to say. You've long outgrown this relationship and this man. The pain will be temporary. You need to embrace it and move through it because you already know this relationship is over.

normalbean69 · 2022-02-04T18:55:24+00:00

no, that’s not “normal” guy behavior. common maybe, yes, but not normal. seems like the majority of males are disgusting in some way and this is just another nasty dude. nothing different, nothing special. just another nasty, sick-in-the-head man. this shouldn’t even be a question, leave him

xfelugirlx · 2022-02-04T19:59:56+00:00

DUMP HIM, you are just stuck with a sick men that doesn’t respect women and in the top of that fetishizes poc women and talk like we are objects🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮 That’s the dad you want for your children???

RainbowChardonnay · 2022-02-04T18:21:24+00:00

Read the handbook

steffy0212 · 2022-02-04T18:17:45+00:00

Leave!

Novemberinthechair · 2022-02-04T20:49:06+00:00

He's porn sick. Get rid of him the first chance you get.

scorchedsouI · 2022-02-04T21:03:45+00:00

I've never heard a man mourn his dreams and ambitions because he wants to marry/possibly start a family.

I don't care how unfair society is or how different the circumstances are, absolutely fuck that. He's a scrote anyway.

AutoModerator · 2022-02-04T17:44:41+00:00

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FUBARfromLSA · 2022-02-04T22:02:24+00:00

Read.The.Handbook.

Honestly if every single woman on this sub read the handbook, there would never be another question like this asked.

Please learn to value yourself

PasDeTout · 2022-02-04T20:17:44+00:00

He does not sound like a good person to try to build a family with. Also, 23 is a bit young to start tying yourself down this way - spend time looking for better and more compatible men. There is no rush. You said you’ve got dreams to pursue - go out and get them.

sofiacarolina · 2022-02-04T20:08:26+00:00

Aside from his repugnant behavior that on its own is enough to drop him immediately, the fact that you would consider throwing away your dreams for a man (esp a nvm) is very concerning! you need to pursue what YOU want in life and what will make YOU happy. You are your number one priority! You’re the person you’re going to have to live with your entire life and your happiness depends on you and the choices you make. Staying with someone you’re not even satisfied with out of fear of potential pain from a breakup is not going to fulfill you. You’re only one year in and you’re already unhappy. There you go. You have realized you want more out of life than a marriage, kids, etc and thats a blessing - knowing what you don’t want in life sets you up to be able to figure out what it is you do want in life and pursue those goals. Drop the baggage (your current bf) and pursue what makes you happy! Don’t settle for him or the things you clearly don’t want to do anymore. This is your life and for all we know the only life we have. The decisions we make have consequences and staying with a man like him will keep you stagnant and hold you back. There is a fork in the road here. Should you choose yourself, your potential, and the potential of the life you would like to pursue or him? I think the correct answer is obvious.

aeorimithros · 2022-02-04T20:13:52+00:00

There are some red flags that I have ignored here and there

Welcome to FDS, I am so so glad you found us. Literally all of your post after the line quoted above was unnecessary.

Women who value themselves leave at the first red flag. His lying about porn use, gaslighting you

I feel hurt but Im not even sure if I should?

Yes, if not hurt disappointed is a valid was to feel.

Is this just normal guy behavior that I should brush off and accept?

It's normalised behaviour in guys but that doesn't mean we should put up with it.

Breaking up has been in the back of my mind even before I did this but the thought just makes me sick. All the memories and fun times, and the "I love yous" everyday. Us going our separate ways, him moving out, I cant even imagine the pain. Like I said there are some more red flags, the relationship isn't perfect but this feels like a wake up call.

This is called sunk cost fallacy. It's normal, it isn't a reason to stay.

https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/the-sunk-cost-fallacy/

This is my first long term relationship and I'm just so distraught and I can't really look at him the same.

Then leave, he's ruined who you thought he was, that's on him not on you discovering it

Ladies, what on earth should I do?

Leave him, be single and fabulous and raise your standards next time for what you deserve. You're young, you have time. You'll find happiness.

paperwasp3 · 2022-02-04T21:28:57+00:00

He’s LYING to you over and over. You can decide whether that’s okay with you or not (hard no for me personally)

If you let him slide on this, he will do it again thinking that you will let time number 2 and three slide as well.

This is not respectful behavior.

Platipus6 · 2022-02-04T21:54:02+00:00

he got mad, denied it, blamed it on me because one time i saw an ass on his screen and said something about it, then he left the room and went to the gym without me. We made up later that day, I said, it's ok if you look at that stuff you don't have to hide it.

This whole interaction is problematic.

Please read the handbook and most of the recommended books in the wiki before you date again, so like, Christmas.

Getting busted and then leaving for the gym is a red pill tactic. They encourage each other to punish women for "bad behaviour" such as setting boundaries or not putting out. This activates women's anxiety and fear of abandonment so she's grateful when he comes back. THIS IS ABUSE.

Did he sincerely apologize when he got back? You "made up" but I bet you apologized to him! You backed down, you lowered your standards and boundary. You attempted to manipulate him into coming clean by saying "I promise I won't be mad" like a parent to a child. It's NOT ok for him to look at that stuff if that's your boundary. He shouldn't have anything to hide because your preferred partner isn't a pornsick loser who runs off when he's caught.

https://psychopathsandlove.com/how-to-never-get-involved-with-an-abuser-again/

Please read this several times. Get a nice notebook and fancy pen and write out your human rights, your boundaries, your standards, your preferences and what behaviour from a man you will NEVER tolerate.

You deserve to be loved, respected and communicated with like an adult by a man who cherishes you.

esthermaniii · 2022-02-04T21:05:10+00:00

By society’s patriarchal standards, it’s “normal guy behaviour” but this shouldn’t be acceptable at all.

You’re still young & you’re lucky to have recognised these red flags, especially without having a baby or being married to him!

Run, sister. Run as faaaaaar as you can!

Erocitnam · 2022-02-04T22:06:39+00:00

Does it even matter if his behavior is normal compared to other men, if it's wrong? Immorality is sometimes normalized. The way he's talking about other women is misogynistic. That indicates hidden, bad character. He lies to you, that also indicates bad character.

If you feel hurt, you should feel hurt. Please don't second guess your feelings like that. There's no "should" about it. You don't need to police what you feel and make sure it's "justified". It's always justified because it's how you feel. That's how feelings work. If something hurts you, it was hurtful.

Stop trying to figure out what's normal or expected of you, and start thinking about what you want out of life. You don't need to do things the way other people do them. You need to do things in the way that's best for you, that gets you a life you like leading and meets your needs.

Constant-Wanderer · 2022-02-04T23:18:43+00:00

This isn’t about porn.

He deliberately, with elaborate forethought, lied to you.

Then he got angry when you called him out on it.

This could be about anything, it would be enough to break up. Don’t let him make this about porn, I might even avoid that part altogether and tell him that I caught him in a lie.

Let him turn himself inside out trying to figure out what you found, while you calmly pick yourself up and remove yourself from his situation entirely.

Ok-Appearance5982 · 2022-02-04T22:41:07+00:00

Too many red flags, end the relationship. It will only get worse.

ifhewantedtohewould · 2022-02-04T23:48:39+00:00

One red flag is enough to leave, let alone like the 10 in this post alone, plus you said there’s more. WHY would you give up your dreams for… some pig that talks horribly about other girls. Disgusting, lying, depraved, porn addicted scrote. “Is this normal guy behaviour?” Read the handbook.

Colour_riot · 2022-02-05T01:02:32+00:00

block and delete. You already know.

oh on how to kick him out of your mom's house... might be a bit tricky but don't hesitate to call the cops if he's violent.

I wouldn't go into length about why you're kicking him out, just emphasize the property is under your mum's name (emphasizing that it's her right) and he is not a renter, he just stays with you sometimes.

AshlandSouth · 2022-02-05T02:07:21+00:00

The disturbing part is where you said you would be giving up your dreams. That alone is reason enough to let him go. Marriage and children with him does not sound like a fulfilling life.

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Snowmist92 · 2022-02-04T22:36:44+00:00

I may have discovered occasional porn from some ex when I was younger...but THIS. This is a whole other level. No, this is not normal.

SupremeDearLeader · 2022-02-04T23:20:15+00:00

He's a porn sick LVM pretending to care about you. Run !!!!!!!

CheetahEnergy · 2022-02-05T02:42:31+00:00

One day in the future, you’re going to look back at this and hit your head on the wall for thinking this was the guy for you (I’ve been there). Would you want the 5 year old you to end up with this guy? You have one life, make sure you know your worth and only accept the very best. PS: (re)read the handbook girl.

The_Cat_Empress · 2022-02-05T04:53:33+00:00

“Should I brush it off and accept”

[leans on hand] You must be new here.

Once there is a man who cheats on you with Insta models and asses on the screen it’s NOT gonna get better.

Sure the good memories are there but the main thing you need to take away is the distrust you feel and let that fuel you to break up with him.

I just don’t get how scrotes do everything with their GFs and have a great relationship and still watch porn.

The fact he also gaslights you on the fact he watches that trash is just the icing to the sh*t cake.

nalia1rebel · 2022-02-04T20:34:48+00:00

Ladies, I just wanted you to know that I've read every single comment, and thankful for your support. After some long hard thoughts, I have to make a tough choice.

miss_peach94 · 2022-02-05T06:42:02+00:00

You must be new here

Im sure myself and 100% of the ladies here will tell you you need to get rid of this sick fuck. Like yesterday

lolmemberberries · 2022-02-05T01:24:58+00:00

Being with someone like this is going to keep you from having more in life.

MyLifeIsWandsXIII · 2022-02-05T03:01:45+00:00

Omg I know that you have a bond with him but do you really want to throw out years of your life with a pornsick man?? And a bond is not worth you wasting your life away for him. He is obviously a coomer, I am sorry. The fact that he lied to you about not watching porn that often is just a huge glaring red flag waving right at you. He obviously doesn't respect women either and views them as sex objects evident by those gross messages he sent. And obviously, he doesn't respect YOU if he feels comfortable talking about other women like that. It even makes me want to vomit tbh.. this is so blatantly disrespectful towards you and you should never put up with that.

Plus, you obviously want something different out of life than you would get if you were to stay with him. Just imagine you at the age of 70, in a universe where you stayed with this coomer and sacrificed your hopes and dreams to pursue a lifestyle you truly didn't want and wishing you were 23 again and could re-do your life from this moment on. I know that may sound dramatic but you could truly end up at this spot maybe even sooner than 70. This man will make you suffer a lot, that's 100% certain. The behavior you describe right now is BAD but that's just the tip of the iceberg. Below, there's a whole shitstorm waiting for you if you decided to not throw the whole man away asap!!

ifhewantedtohewould · 2022-02-04T18:20:37+00:00

[permanently deleted]

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ItsInTheVault · 2022-02-05T02:52:17+00:00

It doesn’t matter if it’s normal guy behavior. Something about it doesn’t sit right with you and crosses some of your boundaries, especially the lying.

You don’t need anyone’s permission to end a relationship with anyone, anytime, for any reason.

throhawey123 · 2022-02-05T09:57:37+00:00

Hey OP im super late and I'm at least 10 years older than you but please DUMP HIM!!!! from your post alone you sound like an amazing, smart person and you are so young, you deserve someone who doesn't lie, and doesn't treat women like a gross piece of flesh!

Mayonegg420 · 2022-02-05T13:33:50+00:00

Girl, kick this man out your mama house! It’s so much easier to lie and deceive when you’re getting something out the situation (living with you and mom). The “fuck all those (race) girls” is particularly jarring and I wouldn’t even have time to type this post cause I would be packing his shit. That’s really gross and alarming.

Title	Ladies, I'm in desperate need for some advice. Please help!!!
Author	nalia1rebel
Upvotes	327
Comments	91
Date	February 4, 2022 5:44 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/skjgc3/ladies_im_in_desperate_need_for_some_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/ladies-im-in-desperate-need-for-some-advice-please.1099763 https://theredarchive.com/post/1099763

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