If you could write your ex's Tinder profile

poppinkitty · 2022-02-28T04:37:06+00:00

Male 20s, feminist #sexworkiswork, need a 50/50 partner not these gold digging hoes, need a independent woman to be my mom and husband. Profile quote: "If you wanna be treated like a queen better treat me like a king. 🙄🙄🤡🤡🤮🤮🤮

ThePatriarchyIsTrash · 2022-02-28T03:42:05+00:00

Male, nearly 40 but with the emotional intelligence of a 4 yr old. I fully believe my bomb dick and bedroom prowess is totally a replacement for a personality or integrity. Addicted to alcohol, being a victim, and gaslighting. I probably have a personailty disorder, but I'm in therapy (sometimes) and I take my meds (when I feel like it). I'll apologize for abusing you, while while claiming I never abused you, before insisting that you pointing out my abusive behavior is actually abusive to ME.

Quote: No one will ever love you as much as I do.

Platipus6 · 2022-02-28T04:48:29+00:00

6'2. Good on paper. That's it. That's all I have going for me. You'll figure out I'm a sociopath in 2 years <finger guns>

Madholley · 2022-02-28T10:47:11+00:00

I love this!!

Mine: Emotionally stunted Army officer with crippling insecurity seeks smart, beautiful, fit woman who will coddle me in response to drunken verbal abuse. You should enjoy being shouted at and never raise your own voice. Must have a high sex drive when my penis works and be content without sex when it doesn't. I will worship you and beg for degrading sex acts but if you ever consent to any of them, I will call you a whore. All my photos are from years ago, before I had acne and an extra 30 lbs. Prefer someone shorter than me (5'4) so I can look down on you.

Likes: stories from my college days, bourbon, not brushing my teeth

Dislikes: cleaning, social justice, women

Quote: My bad behavior is always your fault. Let me tell you about how racism isn't real because I got made fun of for being a white kid in highschool.

ImpatientMudcrab · 2022-02-28T08:49:59+00:00

Male, 29, would be 6ft if I had a spine. I want to be your dad and you to be my mom. And by "be your dad" I mean I want you to call me daddy and let me boss you around. By "mommy" I mean therapist who also makes me food because I'm soooo bad at cooking :'-( I ~~hoard useless shit~~ collect things as a hobby, and I will endlessly entertain you by talking at you about my interests. I do this quirky thing where I quiz your knowledge on the topics I obsess over and then correct you because I'm super smart! Deep topics such as "what should I do in the future" ~~scare the fuck outta me~~ are so annoying and condescending, like, what are you my grandma? Lol! I really hope that you ~~look and act like a child~~ are full of youthful energy! Let's hang out!

msxchrisx · 2022-02-28T03:44:52+00:00

Male 40, wealthy psychopath in the Marijuana industry but cheap as hell.

Looking for a mother figure bangmaid since my own mom is the worst. Enjoy age gap relationships even though my peen doesn't work well so I need a little blue pill.

Insecure as hell even though I'm at the gym 6 days a week and look relatively good for my age. Balding badly but because I shave I think it looks intentional.

I pay to have my laundry done because I was never taught any useful life skills including cooking an egg, or cleaning.

I hink my "career" of playing pool makes me desirable although I'm past my prime and just kinda a sad dive bar creep.

Hit me up on if any of this interests you.

Profile quote: "you'll never find someone else like me"🤡

awhileagonow · 2022-02-28T13:04:10+00:00

'Male, divorced🤞, 46💪, a few extra pounds🤘, romantic❤️, honest👍, raised by a single mum so I respect them more than most other men🏋️, looking for long term🎈, tell me what you'd like to do with me!😎'

🤞actually separated but saying that puts women off.

💪 actually 52.

🤘actually too heavy to walk more than 100 yards without a sit down rest.

❤️ will think up a pet name for you then never do anything else.

👍 will flirt with other women and tell you about it then when you complain about this will describe myself as 'too honest' and get all sad and quiet, then I will move the flirting underground and escalate to the point I am secretly creating new dating profiles and meeting up with anyone who bites, while telling you I'm at work. Oh, and I also get arrested and it's this whole thing, but as far as you'll know I'm also just at work.

🏋️ seems like a thing to say that will get me more replies.

🎈 actually looking for someone to disregard and avoid having sex with but yes, I do want to do that long term.

😎 Because I will never have any ideas or plan anything because I don't care. Just come over and we'll watch something on Sky ok.

Strict_Actuary442 · 2022-02-28T03:40:28+00:00

Male 33, live at home with mom going on four years, because my ex kicked my hobo-nosexual-dEprEsSed-ass out for not paying bills. Got fired from my customer service job and couldn’t afford $200 for my cats emergency vet fee, but don’t worry - my sucker ex coughed up the dough. My self worth comes from bragging about the accomplishments of my only positive male role model. Baseball is life; so is vaping. Dropped out of high school because society is a scam - and because my baseball career didn’t take off. Lucky for you though, I’ll regale you with stories of my almost athlete days. Oh, I prefer to pay for dates - on the date, but I’ll always remember to Venmo request you later!

Sunshine_Daisies2525 · 2022-02-28T03:28:11+00:00

Male, 36, 6”2. Hot pilot with cash to burn. Will fly you out to Rome for a date. I also believe I’m a robot and can leave you any time without catching feelings. Will offer to move countries for you, and insist I have never done this before. I know it’s confusing. I like that. Will casually ask if you can launder money or trade cryptos for me- even though I said I used to work in Wall Street. My mom says I’m a narcissist. Did I tell you how much I hate her? She said I should date smart girls, which is why I messaged you. Aliens are real.

I look like Thor and I Tinder like the Swindler.

Catchphrase: Did you know I banged models, tho?

sculderandmullie · 2022-02-28T10:18:41+00:00

Hi, I’m a 33 yo struggling architect who will use dating apps behind your back. Will also meet up with my ex even though you don’t approve. I’m a firm believer in the 50/50 relationship when it comes to paying for food and vacations but will also expect you to take the lead in the kitchen cause I only know how to make 2 dishes. I’ll expect you to help me out with household chores at my place but when I’m at yours, I will just nap on the couch and let you do the cooking and chores. I will also expect you to drive to my place almost everytime because I’m so busy with my job. I slutshame women and will at some point and ask to call you a slut in the bedroom. Me however, a serial dater who cheats on you on Tinder and Bumble, will never consider myself anything other than a saint. I will make you really self-conscious about your body by saying that women always look better with lipfillers and that i hope your boobs are as firm in 20 years as they are now. I’m apathetic and too awkward to hold your hand in public. If we’re at your friends’, I will sit quietly in a corner and won’t socialize with your friends. When asked about children, I’ll say I want kids but definitely not now, but when you want to start studying again in the meanwhile, I’ll freak out and say that maybe I want kids next year? However, my finances won’t allow me to have kids soon and I don’t know how to cook multiple times a week. I’ll also whine about wearing a condom and force you to take the pill, even though you feel depressed and unhappy. I’m just happy your boobs grew because of it!

whiskey_and_oreos · 2022-02-28T03:09:20+00:00

Male, 30s, 5'8" but I'll convince you of my potential to be 5'9" because I'm really trying! Looking for a mommy to give the silent treatment. Emotionally constipated and can suck all the air out of the room for days on end while telling you everything is great. My ex went crazy after half a decade of sleep deprivation but as long as you have sex with me at 2am we'll get along great! 😜

ETA profile quote: raises finger "wellll ackshually..."

zorra666 · 2022-02-28T03:32:18+00:00

Male, 29, 6'2", muscular and handsome with a sexy Spanish accent. I love to play the devil's advocate and will gaslight you into thinking you are wrong even though you are much smarter, older, well-educated and independent than I am. I don't have a job so I can devote all my time to you (and to whomever else I meet on Tinder). Very dominant in bed and have learned everything I know about women from PornHub so I know that smacking you and trying to choke you with my penis is the way to give you an orgasm. Looking for a girl who likes threesomes (with women, of course) and will wax my back. Must be a good driver because one wrong turn in a strange city will set me off.

Quote: "My last girlfriend loved when I did that. Let me show you the video we made!"

FreeUpgrayedd · 2022-02-28T03:25:58+00:00

Male, late 20s, will like pictures of all 400 of the Instagram hotties that I follow. Well, except for the pictures that show their boyfriends. If you’re not okay with this, sorry, but I deserve someone who trusts me. I’d love to do things with my partner, but only if the weather is crappy and I can’t go rock climbing- it’s my #1 passion, so you better look as good in a harness as the babes at my gym!

LeaveMeAlone__308 · 2022-02-28T12:05:47+00:00

Male, 30, big biceps but delusional about height (I think I am 3" taller than I actually am). Surely that doesn't matter because I can impress you with my house, job and blatant lack of personality?

I am the man and I love guns and beer and sports.

Looking for a trophy wife, education immaterial because she'll have to eventually stay at home and raise my kids. I don't think women should have the right to vote and I as a white male am the actual disadvantaged class of society and have it the toughest. What do you mean I sound patriarchal, that's not a thing, Jordan Peterson said so (isn't that ALL he espouses)?!

Also, don't exactly know what I'm looking for.

ArugulaIsAwesome · 2022-02-28T16:06:41+00:00

Grumpy McGrumperson, Male, 25.

Hi, I’m a grumpy old man even though I’m 5 years younger than you. I can make any situation miserable by pointing out and exaggerating how bad things are.

I’ll dazzle you with my ability to make everything a problem. “This restaurant chair wobbles, the lighting is weird, this ice is too cold…”

Not only that but I’ll also find everything wrong with you! “You cut your oranges wrong, you drink your smoothies too fast, you walk up the stairs incorrectly.”

Professional mansplainer, gaslighter, redpiller, crybaby, porn addict who’s obsessed with trying to have a threesome and incapable of expressing his emotions.

LittleWinn · 2022-02-28T03:18:04+00:00

Male, 30, believe I’m a good dancer but actually only know one move. My entire personality is my 6 pack and biceps, so if you enjoy actual conversation I’m not your guy. I read the Laws of Seduction and now I’m a giant douche canoe who creates TikToks about how to run game, while I’m divorced living in my aunts spare bedroom and lost custody of my three kids that I “love” more than life! Also, didn’t fight for custody. If you enjoy looking at me and also don’t expect effort, hit me up! Wyd?

chocolatelustpile · 2022-02-28T13:48:57+00:00

Male, mid 30s, 5'8 but I say I'm 5'11. I take pride in my muscles so don't hate on me when I wake up to workout in our bedroom at 4am. I expect you to go weak at the knees when I bite my lip and call you a "good girl", have sex whenever I want (jackhammering is my specialty so of course you'll love it), go hungry or eat at home because I'm too cheap and lazy to feed anyone but myself, and be OK with not having real dates. I'm also in this country illegally, paranoid about getting caught and have a 5 year old daughter back home who I haven't seen in 3 years, but don't worry, I won't tell you until you've been love bombed for months.

Looking for someone to move in with myself and best friend to be our cook, cleaner and my sex slave. Must be OK with being love bomed, negged, gaslight and not showing emotions, especially when a close family member dies. In exchange you'll get to oggle my body I worship, be ignored for video games or any one of my family members who call me any time of the day or night, not get enough sleep, and watch me pay to marry a stranger for citizenship.

Quote: Don't you dare put yourself and my female family members in the same sentence, you'll never be as important as them.

ThrowRA_lantern · 2022-02-28T04:18:33+00:00

Hey there girl, I’m a “hunky male model” looking for a new Boo (AKA a new Mommy- but you’ll NEVER be better than my actual Mommy and I’ll remind you of that 24/7).

Follow me on my mega-cool-famous-aesthetic IG, Tiktok, Snapchat, etc etc and you can join my thousands of followers, AKA my harem of female “friends” that send me heart emojis and give me constant validation 🥰.

Our dates include me lovebombing you to oblivion then ghosting you to be with another “friend”. I’m a pretty committed guy tho, I give plenty of my time towards you- especially to neg, manipulate and criticise you because I’m so insecure and have a little PP! 😘

wonkyeyes8877 · 2022-02-28T04:35:30+00:00

Gaslighter, 35, 6'4", 400 pounds. Canadian who loves the USA.

My employees make minimum wage. I own 3+ homes and a Maserati.

My only actual interest is having fancy things. I will use those fancy things to impress you then I will judge you for being impressed by them.

I seem really interesting and funny just long enough to make you develop feelings.

Don't ever look me up or Google me. Anything you find there is a lie and you're paranoid and crazy for believing any of it.

You'll spend a good amount of time with me, but you'll never really know me.

masterofthebarkarts · 2022-02-28T03:26:41+00:00

Mid-30s self-styled "cool asshole" who's deep and enduring fear of confrontation has prevented him from so much as calling the landlord for the past ten years. Doesn't believe in housework or foreplay. Micropeen. Great if you love being criticised.

Quote: anything about his """""enormous""""" dong.

Firefly10886 · 2022-02-28T03:37:13+00:00

Hey there! I’m an early 30’s male. I was born and raised in Florida, but I tell everyone I’m from Wisconsin because I went to college there. Also, I’ve changed my last name to my mothers maiden name because it sounds more white than the one I was given. My drivers license says 5’8” but I’m actually 5’6”. I’m a mechanical engineer by day with my own startup / side hustle that’s just a ripoff of Uber- but with buses! I like to go hangout on weekends with my bros while simultaneously hooking up with random women to boost my fragile ego. If I think you’re the one, I’ll pay for a woman in a third world country to carry our baby so your body stays hot. Also, we will genetically modify the baby’s DNA Gattaca-style so my children have superior genes.

Quote: “You can date other guys, I don’t mind.”

like_onomatopoeia · 2022-02-28T03:58:50+00:00

Male, 48, 420 is my secret belief and income (although illegal where I live). But hey, without a real job, I have more time to work on my abs and hang out at the beach to have things under control there. I’m a passionate hypocritical about everything that doesn’t benefit me and do only what is good for me. Except talking about feelings, I don’t do that.

When I’m upset, I won’t communicate but rather start a fight and put the blame on you to have an excuse to walk/drive/cycle/surf away from you.

Oh btw, I have two kids from a previous relationship with this total b1tch of a woman. And the kids and their mom’s needs and wants will always come before you, because I haven’t had the time yet to set up boundaries with that b1tch. I’m like a Peter Pan who tells you to shut up and f0ck yourself in a fight because a Peter Pan doesn’t talk about feelings and incompetencies.

I’m looking for an easy going stress free surfer chick, with her own income, hot body, not older than in her thirties. Needs to obey my wants and needs. Be a good cook. And also respects my fogged up brain while I’m regularly lying about the amount of pot I smoke and illegal money. Monogamous please, while I perv on younger women and have erection problems.

blessedwiththree · 2022-02-28T04:17:21+00:00

Male 34, 6'1" strong protective cop looking for a woman who will finally treat me right! My 23 and Me says I'm part viking. I love my guns, fishing, alcohol and dip.

I love hard (I better be number one in your life- kids come second- and other men cannot look at or talk to you) and I work a lot (so make sure you can cater to my schedule). My family didn't treat me right growing up and I've also been married to TWO crazy women, who both abused me. The last one took my three kids and moved 5 states away. I only get to see them summers.

I'm really looking for a woman who will take care of me like mama, manage all my emotions (I have a stressful job and I'm an Alpha male- so my anger gets the best of me sometimes) and the household. I want more kids because I've got prime genetic material and I need to grow my lineage. Also, I've got kinks and I can't be satisfied unless we are on the same page: you must cater to my foot fetish and love femdom.

I prefer women that are younger (preferably between the ages of 18-22). Please include a picture of your feet with your reply.

kada556 · 2022-02-28T14:38:23+00:00

Male- 20's, married and dragging my feet on filing divorce, but I'm over it after she cheated with my friend. 5'7" but I only date girls who are ~5'- 5'1" so I can get away with saying I'm 5'9". I prefer my mattresses on the floor, my laundry all wrinkled in baskets instead of folded in drawers, and my food from a convenience store. Every surface in my apartment which I share with my buddy from high school is covered in cat hair or litter. I travel a half hour for work (used to be a full hour) but am too lazy to get my drivers' license. Any time you want to spend together, you will be on the hook for transportation, but let's be real.. I'd rather stay in gaming while you sit there with nothing to do until I jump on you looking for sex anyway.

Quote: You don't know what it's like to be a real adult, your life is so easy.

queenofswordsxxx · 2022-02-28T04:17:39+00:00

Male, 30, only 5’10 but will tell you I’m 6’, failed windsurfer that never made it pro. Will lie to you about ‘pure and good intentions’ and use you for sex, only to dump you when times become inconvenient. Looking for immature pickmeisha who will overlook messy room, irresponsible personality, complete lack of compassion and social graces. You will be distracted by my above average looks and law degree until you realise I’m a manchild with a receding hairline.

Quote: “Please believe me, my intentions are pUrE!!!”

exhalefierceness · 2022-02-28T05:59:58+00:00

Hey there!

My name is inserting fake name Matt, I’m 25 years old, here are a couple fun facts about me:

I don’t cook because that’s not my job
I will use my charm and a hint of neg on you
If you weigh 160, we will have to see about that
I’m a Menminist
Long hair > short hair
It’s whatever you want as long as you give me anal
I would rather you come over, I’m always tired
Don’t be dramatic
Don’t be childish
Within a year of our relationship, I’ll start cheating on you
I’ll stay with you for years even if I don’t love you anymore as long as I get sex

Tell me more about yourself! 😁

pickmieshaexorcist · 2022-02-28T04:25:38+00:00

Middle aged, no muscle tone. I’m robotic and won’t tell you I love you, touch you affectionately or even use your name. I’ll be vaguely dissatisfied with everything you do, say and are, but, because my spine is a piece of overcooked spaghetti, I’ll never say anything. I have a terrible family and you better believe I won’t have your back there too. My kisses have all the passion of a geriatric priest with chapped lips. But hey, I make some money and that’s really all I care about anyway.

cloudless-blanket · 2022-02-28T05:16:33+00:00

Male, 30s. I give women what they need, not what they think they want. I saw this advice on a YouTube video. I've also talked to women who stay with jerks, so I know exactly what keeps women sexually attracted to men. If you stop sucking my dick, I KNOW I've been too nice to you, so don't worry--I'll fix that. I'm not insecure about how nice I am and how that may affect our sex life. If you're having a bad day, obviously it's because I've been too nice to you and you're losing sexual attraction to me. Like I said, it's fine, I'm not insecure about it, it's something I can fix--I watch a lot of YouTube. Sex is everything to me, and I can make you cum 50 times in one session--don't try and tell me you didn't cum because I can tell that you did. I make 6 figures, and I know how to treat my Queen. Looking forward to settling down with a strong independent woman so I don't have to work anymore and can focus on my own interests. Endearing quality: I don't do dishes or throw trash away, but I do own a Roomba so the floors are clean as long as it doesn't get stuck on the closet tracks.

sweet_birthday_babyy · 2022-02-28T13:40:04+00:00

34 M, 6’2” and that’s all I have going for me. I used to be a stud in high school and I’ve never really matured beyond those days. ISO unconditional narcissistic supply - must laugh at all my racist jokes and let me pop all your zits without asking, must never tell me no or set boundaries or hold me accountable. I will never see you as more than an object I can use and control with sex, and the more vulnerable you are the better bc then I can exploit you and you can’t leave! I lie about everything and hopefully you’ll never find out. Anything wrong in my life I’ll blame it on you so step right up, who wants to take care of me and be my bangmaid? Oh yeah I cheated on my STBXW but I tell women I’m divorced and that SHE cheated on ME, plus I expected to leave her and take our two kids with the house and sole custody, even though I have violent tempter tantrums and even smack my kids across the face! I am completely delusional and impossible to communicate with - I will scream over you and cut you off every time you try to talk to me. I will never compete for a woman bc I know I’ll always lose - it’s against my principles to pursue and in fact I expect to be pursued and I expect that you’ll be exclusive to me while I figure out what I want

Moira_Spice · 2022-02-28T14:51:46+00:00

Late 20s man looking for bangmaid that will cook for me, you gotta accept everything my mom tells you, and be respectful to her at any time. I will take my mom's side everytime and I will be "overprotective" of you (but in fact I'm a jealous mess). I hope you find that endearing.

My height (6ft4) is my sole asset. My dick is shinking because of my increasing belly, you gotta be fine with that because I won't workout anytime soon.

SupremeDearLeader · 2022-02-28T15:28:21+00:00

Profile quote: Will you be my forever mommy ???

Male 33, but not very masculine.

Haven't gotten a real job yet[ what am I a wage slave????] I fail to pay even a small percentage of my financial obligations due to instant gratification needs like concert tee shirts . Getting a flat tire sets me back 5 mo of " income" and I'll make YOUR life miserable about it. Will gladly be your live in hobosexual in exchange for doing zero housework but will raid your fridge of your kids meals and complain about lack of BBQ sauce you didn’t buy. Will not take you on any dates or acknowledge any holidays or anniversaries because they cost money but I WILL buy you a backscratcher from CVS for Christmas after you get me an expensive thoughtful gift !Also I suck because I only watch porn and lied about having prior experience w an actual human lady .

BellaMob · 2022-02-28T06:13:49+00:00

Mid 40s male seeking a woman at least 10 years younger than me because I’m young at heart. I am a creative guy and a music expert because I played in a shitty band that covered popular songs at weddings and in local pubs in my late teens. I listen to 80s rock and have a collection of guitars I never use but like to look at. I used to treat women poorly because it was a part of my rockstar job but now I am a changed man and most of my friends on Facebook are female because I’m such a nice guy. My source of income is a bank account I share with my dad. Last time I held a full time job was on 2016. Then I sold my condo and spent all that money on travelling the world because I am a renegade. When I am not reminiscing about my rock stardom and travels, I like to take naps, eat chicken wings and complain about keeping my house clean.

temproaryusername · 2022-02-28T04:57:00+00:00

Male, 30 (with the life experience of a 15 year old). Wants forever girlfriend situationship, until can decide if should go ahead with parents arranged marriage proposal. Is it worth pissing them off? 🤔 Oops, I've said too much already; I truthfully prefer my life to be a complete and total secret. I will tell you just enough to hook you, but everything about me will be completely mystical. But you do have to spend alllll your time with me, so let's work on making you into my vision of a "perfect woman" and improving my lifestyle. Must always want sex, no matter what, or else I will throw a baby fit and sexually harass you. Tagline: Actually, I spend most of my time throwing baby fits ✌️

fireforestfairy · 2022-02-28T10:57:30+00:00

I feel like the vast majority of men on OLD would have shitty profiles if they were written by their exs. All these men on OLD claim to be attractive, tall, muscular, well-educated, rich, nice, and outgoing. Who knows how much of it is true?

jijitsu-princess · 2022-02-28T14:03:56+00:00

Male 36: liar, manipulative, and coerces women into bed then switches preference up to polyamory. Uses his expertise to make himself a favorite in mutual friend group/ activity. I smoke weed everyday. Almost to excess.

Recently moved a woman and her 2 children into his home that he barely knows to help him take care of his two children and provide maid services, fuck and mommy services. Oh and she has a domestic violence record and has had her children taken from her. (Has since had them returned) But why would I get anyone coming around my children? I need to get my dick wet every day to feed my fragile ego.

Biracial_tooth_fairy · 2022-02-28T05:27:55+00:00

Male, late 20's, dresses like a 16 year old. Will take your food without asking. Will demand gifts as a form of affection, but will be miserly when it comes to spending money on you. Swipe left if you expect real dates. Let's talk about his problems! (But none of yours) Also comes with drug and alcohol addictions.

hdost34 · 2022-02-28T13:48:19+00:00

Bat sh*t nuts.

missmex · 2022-02-28T20:06:42+00:00

Male, dreading turning 30. Lie about my height online, and to your face. Also lie about my income. I also will lie about wanting the same things you want, on a Christian app that says as much. My bathroom and room will disgust you. The sink in my kitchen smells worse than death. I will pick you up and take you to dinner, even pay for everything, but I will claim misremembering things due to my sleep problems when I forget to buy you flowers on V Day, despite watching the news religiously, Instagram stories, and being bombarded with Valentines Day ads. I claim to hate it because of the abhorrent image it gives to Saint Valentine, who was worth more than that. I ONLY read dark fiction, and I definitely have unresolved feelings for that friend I make a podcast with. I think opening the car door for you is the extent of romance. I can’t tell you about my job and I will definitely put my career before everything else just like my father did. I do martial arts but I also only go when I feel like it (depending on my depression) so I’m sorry for the excessive weight.

ThrowawayCompassion · 2022-02-28T15:00:40+00:00

Why is that description my ex to a t? Like nailed it 100%

mass produced archetype of failure

temproaryusername · 2022-02-28T06:14:24+00:00

Male, 26, gamer and 24/7 stoner. Serial cheater AND serial liar, so double whammy!!! Super out of shape and only eats fried frozen food (which Im proud I cook like "haute cuisine"!!!!). Mother is a hoarder, I'm a hoarder, and we live together in our disgusting house!!! Job: part-time janitor, part-time CS community college student (GPA: -2.5, I've been on academic suspension my whole college career!!). Was secretly married.... but don't worry!!! My ex nagged me the entire three years of our relationship to get divorced after I admitted I lied about being "single", so I'm "recently" divorced!!! Catchphrase: wanna smoke? 🤷‍♂️

oh_shit_oh_fuck · 2022-02-28T06:24:48+00:00

Male, early 20s, has never been single for more than a few months since childhood. Has a fetish for anorexics and will dump you when you go to recovery. Severe mommy issues. Will say you're crazy just like all of my other ex girlfriends.

sassyheather · 2022-02-28T05:48:46+00:00

An attractive/hot guy (that’s what my mom tells me and I actually believe I exude hotness when in fact all I offer is a baby face with a double chin due to bad posture and a receding hairline at 22) from country X (I think my nationality is a personality trait and make sure to stress it) living my best life and exploring country Y, I love to party (who cares if said party ends with me f*cking a girl who was blackout drunk but I was certain she wanted me because in her completely rational blackout state she touched my dick which I’m extremely proud of but don’t wash so my hands smell like pee after I stick them in my pants and also I give girls UTIs)

helena939392 · 2022-02-28T08:50:31+00:00

Male 27yo, airline pilot (you don't have to ask us what we do, we will fking tell!)
Looking for a bangmaid who allows me all the freedom in the world while sitting at home serving my life's purposes. You should still earn your own money, so you can lend me all of it. Stop leeching on me though! Just in case, you're a wh*re because you're a woman. Remember that.

I'm tall, handsome and dark. Extremely Pro-Putin, Krim belongs to Russia.

I hate everything that is different from me. If you cross me, I will beat you up too. And if I cheat on you too, it's probably your fault. I'm too good for you anyway. But I'm not a wife beater, I never hit in the face. Know the difference!

I have a baby but won't tell you before we're dating. I hate the baby momma, she's crazy. Single moms can fck off though, I don't need used goods. But I won't have babies with you either, you will need to live for me only. I'm a skinnyfat king and you should know your place. It's in the kitchen, while I play WoW for 16hrs a day, eat pizza and 3L of coca cola daily and jerk off myself to the verge of ED.

Noemie_Mathilde · 2022-02-28T10:42:08+00:00

Musician in a "band" that is sure to make it big soon. I specialise in negging and telling women to "not dress too sexy" to cope with my nagging (and completely justified) insecurities. The younger and more naive you are, the better I can convince you of my soon-to-be rockstar status. Incredibly lazy with a strong aversion to work in general. All my exes were crazy, but maybe YOU will be the manic pixie dream girl to fix my depression. I'm sooooo depressed.

Quote: This is the 10th bass player to quit.

RoseDumpling · 2022-02-28T08:39:39+00:00

40m. Can be prince charming for 2~ weeks then will fall into depressive episodes and forget how to communicate. If that doesn’t sell you- I’m a surgeon 😉

frogchickenhorse · 2022-02-28T08:26:26+00:00

40, 6’3. First had sex at 27 and now ‘making up for lost time’ but reality is has ED and uses viagra. Uses tales of woe to manipulate you. Obsessed by muscles and has none. Measures penis prior to sex. Will neg you about your body and compares you to his ex while having sex. No idea about foreplay, scared of vagina. Makes everything a competition. Bros before everything, will be selfish lover, you will have more satisfaction with your vibrator. Uses mental health as an excuse why he can’t be in a relationship. Everything on my terms, I use silence as a weapon and will laugh at you if you try to communicate. Lives with parents, doesn’t work for years but ‘studying’ while never graduating and doesn’t drive due to anxiety.

shelballama · 2022-02-28T12:53:50+00:00

Male, early 30's. Medium height. I'll focus on you being a "trophy girlfriend" and insist you should do cardio for an hour and a half a day while guilting you to literally only consume one can of beans a day for you to reach this ideal. I have the audacity because I was a chubby pre-teen and with natural hormones and growth spurt, think I bootstrapped my own way to thinness so it should be easy for everyone!

I will not support you emotionally and expect a quick lay. When my skills suck and are unsatisfying and I break the condom, I'll expect you to go 50/50 on the plan B pill. I refuse to take care of you when you are ill and will pitch a fit. I'll also not tip wait staff well because they should get a real job. After all, if I can do well for myself after dropping out of community college and living at home with my parents while working full time, anyone can do it!

xfelugirlx · 2022-02-28T06:54:16+00:00

Fat male, narcissist btw looking for a mommy that will keep me entertained 24/7 like a circus, i love playing games, anime and sexualize every woman in the internet or movies. I have daddy issues too so i’ll became an asshole pretty quick, call me

ifhewantedtohewould · 2022-02-28T04:41:09+00:00

I think we have the same ex OP!!

fingernmuzzle · 2022-03-02T18:46:01+00:00

Simple, easy-going guy seeks drama-free LTR. Career-wise I’ve burned a few bridges, but not a big deal because I can’t stay in one job too long anyway- let’s goof off 6 months out of the year!! YOLO!! I’ll def be sitting on my ass whole you take care of ALLLLL the adulting!! I like spending time on my phone and spending money I don’t have- let’s buy it!! Narcissist is my name, and passive-aggressive is my game! Count on me vacuuming- but only at midnight when I’m pissed off and you need to get up early! I’ll gaslight you on fire, babe!!

Title	If you could write your ex's Tinder profile
Author	sacchilax
Upvotes	526
Comments	91
Date	February 28, 2022 2:53 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/t350qr/if_you_could_write_your_exs_tinder_profile/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/if-you-could-write-your-exs-tinder-profile.1104933 https://theredarchive.com/post/1104933

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