What are the top things that you don’t miss

c341j · 2025-01-25T16:31:32+00:00

I don't miss being used as a therapist while she was offered on numerous occasions to help her find help (childhood trauma)

I don't miss having to compete for her time with her friends

I don't miss being to blame for everything wrong with whatever situation

I don't miss neglecting my own mental health to safeguard hers

I don't miss her not wanting to understand my side

I don't miss arguments for the sake of arguments

I don't miss having to doubt if she means it when she replies to me saying " I love you"

I don't miss being told how we're supposedly "living on cruise control" (TF does that mean)

I don't miss making sure she feels loved while not getting the same in return

MarriageIsMiserable · 2024-07-29T01:04:06+00:00

I won’t miss the constantly changing requirements of a successful relationship. I change things about myself or how I interact with her based on her criticisms. 6 months after changing something I didn’t need or want to change she still complains in couples counseling about what I used to do. It’s never enough.

We have couples counseling every week. We do not talk at all outside of those appointments so in them I try to bring up the most important topics to me. She talks down to me. Tells me I don’t even know how to work towards a successful relationship. I’ve told her I miss physical connection and it doesn’t necessarily mean sex. I’d love to hold hands. Cuddle. Just coexist really close to each other. She never addresses those items. Immediately says the one thing I don’t say. Sex. Tells me she’s working towards a healthy relationship and if I just want a FWB I can look elsewhere.

It’s gotten so much worse this past year. She’s in a group chat with some friends. All of them have varying degrees of bad partners. Occasionally she used to tell me she’s happy I’m better than them. Now she’s listened to her friends complain so much she seems to have taken on their outlook on relationships. It’s bizarre. They validate each other in an unhealthy echo chamber and it’s contributing to ruining our marriage. I’ll be so happy to have a home of my own where I can enjoy my kids, half the time (hopefully), without her leering over my every move.

deadBeefCafe2014 · 2024-07-29T00:20:13+00:00

I do not miss being lied to about a “late night at yoga.”

I do not miss being minimized because I am not as attached to a clean sink.

I do not miss having only shitty TV speakers because surround is a “waste of money”.

I do not miss being called lazy because my job requires a ton of mental energy during the day that leaves me exhausted.

There are sooo many more.

Solid-Phase-1655 · 2024-07-28T15:21:28+00:00

Not much I can add. Experienced alot of this.

But I have one. Over 3 years sep/divorced. My daughter has not experienced one argument,screaming name calling fight while in my care. Can't say the same for her mom's house with new BD and infant.

SelectionNo3078 · 2024-07-27T23:52:09+00:00

Don’t miss being lonely and shut out from physical and emotional intimacy and being last place in her life behind any and every thing

4rdfun · 2024-07-27T17:48:31+00:00

The hypocrisy of her expectations

DazzlingEcho6475 · 2024-07-27T01:50:41+00:00

You sir, have experienced the exact same garbage as I have. I will not miss the constant stress of feeling accountable to a piece of garbage that never had any accountability for anything she did in her life

TechnicalAd5152 · 2024-07-27T01:27:04+00:00

"when are you coming home" I come home literally the same time everyday forever and ever, the constant putting out fires with everyone always, the constant boat anchor, it's amazing how little I replied on her and how much I did for her so much free time now, even with taking care of a toddler half the time.

Top-Pop-2624 · 2024-07-26T23:42:53+00:00

The constant worry about her. To the point it effected my health.

jasoncb123 · 2024-07-26T22:41:58+00:00

This is simple, all the responses above including all the responsibilities of marriage and none of the benefits. Being talked to like I’m a child. Her vanilla sex.

mrk177 · 2024-07-26T21:36:06+00:00

The silent treatment. Sometimes I knew why I was getting the silent treatment, most the time I had no idea what I did. Most times it was 1-3 days. I had to apologize for her to start talking to me again, a lot of the time I had no idea what I was apologizing for. The longest was two weeks of silence, I stuck to my guns and refused to be the person that apologized. I knew why she was mad and it was all on her. At the end of the two weeks is when she asked for a divorce. Don’t miss that shit at all.

probebeta · 2024-07-26T21:28:41+00:00

Yes. Her sense of entitlement. Get back in line lady... 😂 I like Kevin Spacey line "the only reason you are here is because of me. Without me you are NOTHING". I don't know how true that is but time will tell 😅

Exciting-Throat-2002 · 2024-07-26T21:14:33+00:00

Just constantly keeping her even keeled. Always praising her. Going for walks, and it was only about her, like an hour and a half. The blank stare when I told her about my day. The fear of her always one uping me in an argument. So much or all of it.

jimsmythee · 2024-07-26T21:08:09+00:00

Top 10 things I don't miss, in random order;

Her back seat driving. Sure she totaled every car she ever drove, but she was convinced I needed her help, as I had forgotten the way out of our neighborhood.
The 7 hours in the ER so she could get more narcotics. Especially the overnight visits.
The court visits for her DUI's.
Her verbal abuse directed at me when she would run out narcotics.
The way that if she needed anything (even something trivial like she couldn't find the remote control to the TV), she would just scream out my name.
The debt from her retail therapy and doctor shopping.
Being woken up multiple times a night because she took too many sleeping pills with her narcotics and she hears things and she's convinced there's someone out there.
Getting "the call" that she crashed the car again.
Her trying to get me to spend my weekend doing yard work at her parents' house, or other stuff they want to have done, but are too lazy to do themselves.
The way she talked down to me, asking me the same question over and over again hoping my response would be different.

This list can go on for 40 pages...

Least_Winter9632 · 2024-07-26T18:58:01+00:00

Financing all trips to Marshalls, Kohls, or just anywhere they sell shit we don’t need. And $400 hair salon visits

dukeofthefoothills1 · 2024-07-26T18:40:20+00:00

I don’t miss being blamed as the source of Ex’s unhappiness. So much more peaceful now.

I work from home so it’s quieter than I’d prefer. Perhaps I can hire someone to sit around making background noise. /s

MonarchistExtreme · 2024-07-26T18:27:36+00:00

She was always injuring herself and having health scares. I don't blame her for it but it's nice to not have to deal with it anymore. Like a week after her affair came to light she was diagnosed with breast cancer and I had to nurse her thru that while wanting to kill her myself. Once she got better, she moved across the country to be with her affair partner (when her hair started growing back that is). She's my son's mother, I don't want her dead so I guess I would do it again but yeah, I still resent caring for her when she didn't give a damn about me.

Feisty_Elderberry_96 · 2024-07-26T17:29:22+00:00

-Sharing a bed with someone who snores AND would get mad if I mentioned that it kept me up all night AND was livid at my suggestion of sleeping in the guest room.

-Coming home to a house full of anxiety and having to walk on eggshells because she couldn't communicate wtf was wrong. I was later blamed for not making her feel comfortable enough to communicate what was wrong.

-Coming home to my mother in law, who was an absolute miserable person

-Listening to my ex talk with that high pitched fake voice/laugh. That disingenuous voice pitch.

-Budgeting with someone who refused to ... budget.

-Constant s3xless nights because she was tired.

-Watching stupid baking reality shows on TV.

-Eating fucking zoodles (zucchini noodles) for dinner because they're "healthy".

-Being married/together and lonely as fuck. Now that I'm divorced I'm alone a lot - but never lonely, as I always get to do whatever I want now.

I'll stop here. But damn, what a good post!!! So much happier now.

Mopstick86 · 2024-07-26T17:06:29+00:00

I remember having to argue with her about watching football on Sunday. Then when I go to another room I have to hear about that. I loved action and comedy. She loved romance. 90% of the time we’d be watching Bridgerton instead of House of The Dragon smh. Now I watch and do what I want.

Mopstick86 · 2024-07-26T17:02:07+00:00

The walking on eggshells is the biggest thing I don’t miss. That anxious and uneasy feeling of what am I going to do to have to argue with her next. Also, always being the one who is wrong. Everytime it’s always something I did and she’s Mrs. Perfect. Another major thing is getting to see my friends and family whenever I want. She used to isolate me from them purposely.

fishingforthought · 2024-07-26T16:17:35+00:00

The stress of coming home.

2024-07-26T15:54:00+00:00

Coming home to a messy house, worrying about if I need to make dinner or go hungry depending on how the ex was that day

Pro-IDGAF · 2024-07-26T15:36:21+00:00

common theme here with our ex’s. lol.

krazykanuck · 2024-07-26T15:10:23+00:00

It’s been almost a year. She dropped by to pick something up (planned). I made the mistake of asking her how work is. I had anxiety for 2 days after that.

lilman_69 · 2024-07-26T15:01:03+00:00

I don't miss the arguments or always feeling like I couldn't do anything right

lilman_69 · 2024-07-26T14:50:41+00:00

Having to solve an unsolvable puzzle every day

MR-Ozmidnight · 2024-07-26T14:38:11+00:00

The constant yelling, put-downs, and criticism became especially bitter after she ran off with my best friend at the time. They used the bitterness to justify their actions and to feel right when they put me down. While having their AP

JLALJL · 2024-07-26T14:33:48+00:00

I don’t miss having to be responsible for how she was feeling g and then to fix it!!!

2024-07-26T14:29:48+00:00

Interrupted sleep.

Household mood being dictated entirely by someone else.

"Where are you?" "Why don't you answer?" "Are you ok?" "ANSWER ME" "Who are you with?" (all within one minute)

Thebadmamajama · 2024-07-26T13:58:45+00:00

I don't miss the daily criticism and belittlement. I stopped being me in an effort to accommodate someone who couldn't be made happy.

HoneydewLeading7337 · 2024-07-26T13:48:17+00:00

I don't miss her having bedroom eyes for every man in the zip code. It was embarrassing. I don't miss her coming back from fucking other people and making that the center of her life, and therefore my life.

Living with a whore is gross and boring and unsafe.

Boomhower113 · 2024-07-26T13:18:53+00:00

On your “in trouble” point, I remember the first phone conversation with her after I met the process server (nice guy, by the way) and she said something along the lines of, “You’re not in trouble for that, you’re in trouble for this.”

I couldn’t help but laugh as I replied, “Do you think I give a fuck if I’m ‘in trouble’ with you? You’re the one that dropped the papers, remember?”

She was silent. She could tell her power was gone in that moment.

Independent_Owlz · 2024-07-26T13:05:40+00:00

I miss the woman I married. That person no longer exists.

DivorceTA1988 · 2024-07-26T12:05:27+00:00

I don’t miss her acting like I didn’t do anything when in reality we were pretty 50/50. For instance any yard work just did not count. We had this huge hickory tree at one house, it would drop almost fist sized nuts that simply could not be mowed over so I’d go out there with a bucket and pick them up and then mow. According to her this was the biggest waste of time.

Well my ex just bought a house and allllllll that yard work is her responsibility now.

Historical-Basis-196 · 2024-07-26T11:59:39+00:00

Long list, but a key one for me was not being able to play my music at any volume. I'm also a rock guitar player, not pro level, but music and guitar were always my most important interests. She would complain and criticize my music and even my guitar playing, so I had to be very quiet or play without a guitar amp. Never again.

Exactly65536 · 2024-07-26T11:56:19+00:00

After the divorce I realized I have a lot of time that I can use on whatever. Study, play, write, cry and masturbate, watch the ceiling, drink. Amazing feeling, you don't have to do all that that you start doing when you have a wife. Go see her parents. Watch a movie together that you'd never bother to watch alone. Shopping trips, etc.

I don't miss having every horizontal space and every container at my home filled with useless crap, every shelf in the bathroom with small, large, medium bottles of expensive liquids.

I don't miss the annoyance of sleeping together, to be honest. Why would anyone want to share a bed? Apart from sex, it's pure inconvenience.

Then nagging, fighting over small things, having to consider another's wishes when going on vacation or buying furniture.

My first wife earned like 1/4 of what I did, so when we divorced there suddenly was a huge increase in my disposable income.

No-Profit-1027 · 2024-07-26T11:41:50+00:00

Having to wait hours for her to pick out clothes and get ready for any outings.

Never ending Amazon deliveries.

DoorDash, Uber eat, grub hub.

Her aversion to budgeting.

Air of resentment whenever you are trying to relax.

Her appearing pissed off whenever you are hanging out with friends or watching a game on 📺.

Worrying about her ever changing mood.

tempussecundus · 2024-07-26T11:07:50+00:00

Lack of directness and inability to communicate her thoughts. Just kept building resentment

Objective-Apple-7830 · 2024-07-26T09:59:08+00:00

Complaining about what I said or did. Assuming she was correct. No willingness to believe my actions were well intentioned. Attacks for petty things like bowls or plastic containers. Withholding important information about her ideas or beliefs.

savage_cabbages · 2024-07-26T09:52:40+00:00

upvotersfortruth · 2024-07-26T09:25:54+00:00

walking on eggshells, random conflict, predictable conflict, arguing about money, being unappreciated, being interrogated, not having a budget, being blamed all the time, having an unhelpful roommate instead of a partner, negativity, dealing with her depression, being depressed, fear and anxiety every time I walk in the door, sleeping on a couch except when I want to, in-laws popping in and causing shit randomly, her talking on the phone in an annoyingly loud voice all the time, her shouting at the kids for nothing (still happens but I don't hear it), ... now it's getting petty - I don't miss much about actual married life but still miss the ideal I had hoped for, I guess.

ThePancakeStalker · 2024-07-26T09:21:59+00:00

I don't miss the gaslighting, the loneliness, the attitude, the neurotic rules that don't make sense, and not having dogs on the furniture. I sleep in a large dog pile now and it's great.

stupididiot78 · 2024-07-26T09:18:57+00:00

"Look how much money I saved!" is a sentence I haven't heard in close to two years. Yes, its nice that each pair of jeans only cost a few dolla3s at the Goodwill. The fact that those jeans are going to sit on a giant pile of other jeans that only cost a few bucks adds up, espe ially when you save money at Target. I'm not exaggerating when I say I found close to 100 pairs of shoes in the basement. She got mad at me when I'd spend money on my rock collection but she had no problem blowing money on that stuff. The big difference is that I actually made money with my rocks because I'd find a good deal somewhere, buy all of them, keep one for myself, and then sell the rest for more than I paid and turn a profit. Then again, her friends who collected various figurines thought I was weird, and we couldn't have that! The last I checked, only one of us had museums asking to display our stuff.

"You like electronics. I could understand if you wanted to get some new speakers or something. I just don't get rocks." That was a direct quote. Ok, I'll stop making money with the deals that literally paid the rent for a year or two and focus on my electronics that I also enjoy. Then she'd tell me how she liked the older and simpler stuff. I'm also fully aware that you don't think we need a nicer computer. Then, a few years later, when I found a used pair of the speakers that I'd been dreaming of for years (you know, the things she'd understand instead of my rocks), we didn't have the money for those. She told me that after we'd gotten home from dinner out.

One other thing that bugged the absolute crap out of me was her insecurities in situations when she was in an unfamiliar environment. I was doing some upgrades to pur home theater stuff and realized I didn't have a part I needed - some banana plugs. You run bare wire into them, crimp them off, and then it's a quick and easy job to pull and unplug speaker cables into a receiver or the speakers. I could run to the store, take an hour or so, and not have time to finish the project that day or she could go do it for me while I worked on another part of it. I had to beg and beg her to go but she through a fit because she didn't want the people at the store to think she was dumb. I assured her theyvwpukdnt care. All she had to do was walk in the door, tell them she wants 2 sets of the cheapest banana plugs they have, and pay for them. A small child could do it. They wouldn't think twice about a woman coming in and saying, "My husband asked me to come get these." She finally agreed when I said I couldn't get the TV hooked up until I got this portion done first. I was incredibly ice and encouraging. I showed her what I needed so she'd know exactly what it was even though she didn't need to know because she could just say, "2 sets of cheap banana plugs, please." I even described what the packaging would look like. She went. It was easy. She did just fine.

There was a time that she needed something or another and I went to the store to buy it for her. I went to where she said it would be and there were there were two items. Neither one of them had the name that she sent me to get. Seriously, there was nothing there that said it was what she told me to buy. I called her and told her they didn't have what she told me to buy and they only had item A and item B. She could have just said, "Item A." Instead, she kept repeating what she told me to buy. I have no clue what I'm looking at. That item wasn't there. We repeated that back and forth a few times until she finally said, "Buy item A." Appaerently, the name she used was another name for Item A. I had no clue about any of these things. They were if no interest to me. I had never shopped for them. I'd been with her when she bought them but she didn't ever tell me what she was buying. I was supposed to just magically know. That wasn't all though, the person who was tobself conscious to walk into a store and say "2 sets of cheap banana plugs, please." then started laughing at me and making fun of me because I didn't know that that there was another name for something I couldn't care less about and had never shopped for or used in my e tire life.

That was the last damned time I ever shopped for her again.

Murky_Ranger23 · 2024-07-26T05:17:59+00:00

The house being a disaster zone of clothes and dishes.

Forward-Transition-5 · 2024-07-26T05:07:58+00:00

There are so many things I don’t miss that I could be here all week and probably still not be halfway through the list lol. The biggest one would probably be the stress. I was always stressed about what was going to piss her off next because I knew I would no matter how hard I tried not to. After a while I simply no longer cared about making her mad because I realized there was nothing I could do to stop it no matter what. Then I’d just stress over having to deal with the inevitable argument. We didn’t have the same process for dealing with issues at all so naturally my process was never even considered. Now I’m free from that stress and I can tell you the whole “men die first because we want to” joke is so accurate if you’re living in that type of situation. That stress will literally kill you if you don’t get away from it and you don’t even care because you just want it to stop. Once you’re out you finally get a taste of what freedom truly feels like. It takes some adjusting to get past the trauma of the situation but once that’s over you’re truly free from that burden. This is the truest form of freedom I’ve ever experienced and people can think you’re full of shit when you say things like that but if you’ve gone through it you know what I mean. It’s not even a freedom from responsibility at all. I think many of us strive to be as responsible as we can be because it gives us some sense of purpose that we need in our lives. It’s a freedom from some force in our life that has set impossible expectations and even if we had met those impossible expectations they would have been replaced with even higher expectations. It’s a rigged game you could never win no matter what you did. The idea of having a true partnership is what kept me in it until I realized that this was never a partnership and would never be a partnership no matter how hard I tried. I was simply a cog in the machine that she was using to get what she wanted without ever having to do anything in return. After my divorce and the time it took for me to move on it was the most freeing experience I’ve ever had and now I’m in control of my life and I refuse to ever let go of that. It was hell to go through but at the same time if I hadn’t gone through it I couldn’t appreciate what came after like I do now.

capnjackstation · 2024-07-26T04:59:06+00:00

Not having a budget. My ex would have an anxiety attack if I ever spoke about a budget, and it was constant eating out, amazon packages, and pushes for traveling.

questionoffitness · 2024-07-26T04:02:04+00:00

I can do whatever I want.. at any time I want.. no constant list of things I "should be doing".. my ex has huge issues relaxing... being still and doing nothing.. she always had to be doing something productive.. couldn't settle until the house was spotless... and I got in trouble for just sitting on the couch when there were better things I could be doing... lol. Basically being the master of my own time is huge for me now.

Title	What are the top things that you don’t miss
Author	fffrdcrrf
Upvotes	42
Comments	126
Date	July 26, 2024 3:47 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ecejmf/what_are_the_top_things_that_you_dont_miss/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-are-the-top-things-that-you-dont-miss.1525344 https://theredarchive.com/post/1525344

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