Q4W: Do you want a submissive man, or do you want to submit to your man?

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-01-09T21:13:36+00:00

Of course there is a third option when you are equal

There’s many options, like trading, compromising, taking turns, and weighing relative importance, preferences, abilities, etc. You know, the things that people in actual relationships say they have to do

Universal/comprehensive dominance/submission occurs when you are not equal, not when you are equal

I see that equality is confusing to you, and probably relationships as well

fakingandnotmakingit · 2025-01-09T21:47:44+00:00

We can't agree about having a baby? Moving countries? The only options are submit or lead? And the answer of equality and compromise isn't on the table?

Break up.

I will rather break up that have a baby I don't want. I will rather break up that not have a baby if it I want one. I will rather break up than be forced to move.

Sharp_Engineering379 · 2025-01-09T21:50:22+00:00

This just screams a fear of emasculation and insecurity and as much as I hate these outdated pop-psychology terms: mommy issues.

Aphor1st · 2025-01-09T21:20:08+00:00

I would choose to not be in a relationship if those are the only options.

leosandlattes · 2025-01-09T21:38:47+00:00

In real life people make compromises. Sometimes husband gets the final say, sometimes wife gets the final say. That's how most relationships work.

In my own relationship I am content to just go along with whatever my boyfriend chooses, but even then he asks for my opinion and input, especially if it's something I'm better at or more knowledgeable on.

Novadina · 2025-01-09T21:43:58+00:00

There is NO third option where you are both perfectly equal, and in reality does not exist either.

What do you mean in reality it doesn’t exist? “Equal” meaning what? Like, sure my man is better at some things and I’m better at others. We treat each other as equals because we have agreed to a partnership and don’t believe either one of us is superior than the other. You are claiming it’s false and one of us IS superior? How are you judging this? The way we see it we both have an equal status in our relationship.

If there is a significant decision to be made, and you disagree with each other, who gets the final say?

Neither one of us needs to have the final say. We have a discussion as adults, and come to a consensus. If ever there was an issue we disagreed on that was so large and important that we couldn’t reach consensus, we would probably have to break up or something. Can’t imagine what it could be, generally we can explain our reasoning to each other or compromise enough to reach an agreement with a path forward.

You don’t just both magically wake up from bed at the same time and perfectly in sync proclaim the same decision.

Nope, it’s not necsssary. We just have a conversation about it, each one of us can explain our logic and reasons for why we think what we do, and then reach consensus.

There is a leader in this relationship and family, that calls the shots.

I’ve been with my man almost 20 years and it has absolutely not being that one person calls all the shots. Generally we have our areas of expertise and we trust the person with that to make the best decision or do the best at explaining why if the other wants that. For example, my husband is a car guy, he inspects any cars we buy before we purchase it, he maintains our cars and purchases anything needed on our joint card, I don’t really make decisions around that. But I am the money person, I manage all our savings and do our taxes, buy/sell stocks, etc. We own a business together and have similarly divided up the responsibilities. It’s really not that difficult.

Is he the leader and you submit to him, or are you the leader and he is submissive?

Neither, we’ve always worked as a partnership and intend to stay that way. If I had to pick such an absurd thing in reality I probably would just stay single. How would I even tell which one of us is “submitting”? Do you have a checklist or an online test or something?

AngeAware · 2025-01-09T22:55:16+00:00

It's an interesting paradox for me. The more a guy tries to control and get his way, the more I want to control and get my way. The more gentle and passive he is, the more I want to give him everything. Basically, a submissive man is better at bringing out my submissive side. So I choose the submissive man.

Obvious_Smoke3633 · 2025-01-09T21:19:38+00:00

If I had to choose, I would choose a man who is submissive. I've never met a man who could organize his life better than I could organize mine, and I could never submit to someone who is less responsible than me.

cornersfatly · 2025-01-09T21:28:42+00:00

The stupid rules you guys insist on living by baffle the mind. Is it now cuck behaviour to have a conversation or consider the opinions of your partner and go from there? Exhausting, needlessly neurotic mindset to have.

ughtheinternet · 2025-01-09T21:39:15+00:00

If we’re pretending there’s no other option, I’d rather have a man submit to me. I know that I care about my partner’s well-being and happiness and also that I generally have good sense with making life decisions. I’d be too nervous about needing to submit to a guy who decides he wants to empty his retirement accounts to invest in some new cryptocurrency or something.

SnoopyDru · 2025-01-09T21:27:26+00:00

We compromise at every disagreed upon big decision. There is always a 3rd option. Be single.

Fun_Breakfast697 · 2025-01-09T21:43:06+00:00

My partner has told me he likes that I "wear the pants" in the relationship, and I like it too, but that's more of a sex thing that seeps into our day-to-day life. If we disagree on big decisions, we'll talk it out until we come to a compromise or one of us convinces the other. We are very similar people who think the same way and prioritize the same things, so yes, we do often just magically happen to agree.

The idea that egalitarian relationships do not exist is bullshit and one of the more "touch grass" opinions I've seen on this sub -- an absolutely freakishly high bar, so congrats I guess?

ThatBitchA · 2025-01-09T21:45:33+00:00

There's no leader.

Decisions are made together.

We're a team and make choices as a team.

We both walk away happy from any compromises.

JustGeminiThings · 2025-01-09T22:02:29+00:00

Where are you trying to lead us? To which restaurant we're eating at? To whose parents we're spending the holidays with? If we're moving in together? Normal people just discuss these things and come up with a plan. And what if I'm a switch? Seriously, I don't understand this relationship leader concept.

Jambi1913 · 2025-01-09T22:06:55+00:00

Black and white thinking at its finest. Why does this need to be defined in such a binary way? It’s subjective. Based on what you think the “big decisions” are and who is more likely to have the biggest say in making them. If someone has an idea and the other partner goes along with it because they don’t have a strong opinion and trust their partner - does that mean they submitted to them? I wouldn’t frame it that way. But you might. Again - it’s subjective what constitutes dominant and submissive.

Equal does not mean symmetrical - you can be equal, but have some areas where one “takes the lead” and one “follows”. Still equal input overall. Keeping a tally of it and worrying about who is dominant or submissive is bizarre behaviour.

There is no relationship where one person is taking the lead in every aspect - certainly not in any healthy, mutually fulfilling one. Imo, it’s weird to need to define it in this way. Most people don’t need to.

SayuriKitsune · 2025-01-09T22:34:39+00:00

Nah. 3rd option where we are equal and discuss things like a proper couple and make choices TOGETHER. If I dont have that, I'll start collecting cats

SeveralSadEvenings · 2025-01-09T21:31:33+00:00

If there is a significant decision to be made, and you disagree with each other, who gets the final say?

Whoever cares the most and/or whoever has the expertise to execute the decision.

You don't just both magically wake up from bed at the same time and perfectly in sync proclaim the same decision.

No, we just hash out who has more skin in the game and leave the rest up to them.

It's not rocket science fam, its called ✨compromise and teamwork.✨

attendquoi · 2025-01-09T22:36:01+00:00

Neither.

kalashhhhhhhh · 2025-01-09T23:08:57+00:00

How does it make sense that only one person gets the final say on all matters all the time? Obviously each situation and every major decision is unique and should be approached differently. Based on lenghty discussions, sometimes one party will have the final say and other times the other. Because we are a partnership between two equals.

Some issues obviously cannot be compromised on, and in those cases it's for the best that the couple splits up.

But to answer your hypothetical, obviously I'd prefer to get the final say every time as opposed to never.

RelativeYak7 · 2025-01-09T22:19:00+00:00

Gross, I don't want either barf. That's why I won't live with or marry a man.

ffaancy · 2025-01-09T21:17:39+00:00

Why are we pretending that there is no third option? You say “just like in real life…” but in real life we compromise.

If I had to choose for some reason, I’d rather be the decision maker. But again, that’s not how real life is structured, nor should it be.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2025-01-09T22:47:51+00:00

Neither. I want an agrgreable person who can also be able to stand by their opinion, and who can also call me out if I'm wrong or being an ass for some reason. I also want someone who wouldn't sulk like a baby when I call him out for his mistakes/assholery.

alotofironsinthefire · 2025-01-10T00:47:19+00:00

I wonder about some of you.

But like most, I want a partnership or I would rather become single.

My partner is someone I can trust to take care of my children if I wasn't here and who knows I would do the same.

And who I can work with and trust to build a better life with

meangingersnap · 2025-01-09T22:12:56+00:00

The key is to make your man think you're submissive when you really have him whipped

EulenWatcher · 2025-01-10T00:00:43+00:00

Oh, that's just silly. My husband and I are equal partners - we make decisions together and we seek compromises that work for both of us. Sometimes one compromises to a greater degree, sometimes it's the other. We haven't met any decisions that there weren't any possible compromises for, because we have compatible values, views and plans on the future. If a decision isn't that important and/or it's mostly one of our expertise, we trust each other to make a good decision. Although, quite often even in this case we still take advice and listen to each other's opinion.

If I was dating someone who I couldn't compromise with and/or who was expecting me to just surrender to him all the time, I'd break up with them. My husband and I both want to have kids, but we know it's not the right time now. We keep pregnancy if we get an "oopsie", but we aren't trying. We've agreed to postpone for a few years. When we had to leave our country, we looked at the options we had and chose the ones that made the most sense - country where my husband has family, and whose language we can somewhat speak.

Salt_Mathematician24 · 2025-01-09T21:41:44+00:00

Submissive or dominant depending on the context.

waffleznstuff30 · 2025-01-09T23:58:20+00:00

This isn't asked in good faith.

I want an equal partnership. Teams do not have leaders you work in tandem to get things done.

You may have more strengths in one thing. Your partner has strength in another thing. So you may lead in one thing, he leads in another. But it's not one leads all the time the other submits. That sounds like some kind of kink relationship. You work together to make things work? It's a cooperative effort.

PracticalControl2179 · 2025-01-10T07:51:32+00:00

If there is no third option, which is how real life works, then it’s a bad faith question.

MeanestNiceLady · 2025-01-09T23:32:33+00:00

A submissive man, but only if he is into being submissive. I have had submissive boyfriends before who love surrendering control.

Suspicious_Glove7365 · 2025-01-09T23:46:51+00:00

You compromise on things you can compromise on, and for the things you aren’t able to, you are incompatible. If one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t, there is no “submitting.” You are incompatible and you should break up. Compromise also means not getting your way sometimes. But for big things that are deal breakers, one is not able to compromise.

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bv0724 · 2025-01-09T22:17:45+00:00

I have the final say in my relationship. I don’t want it in any other way.

Cute-Friend1266 · 2025-01-10T06:39:16+00:00

I'd rather have a man submit to me. I have good judgment and would take care of everything.

Makuta_Servaela · 2025-01-10T13:55:56+00:00

I would not be in a relationship with someone who does not see me as an equal human being. If he is either talking over me or incapable of talking at all, then he does not see me as an equal human being.

Even if there is a general leader in a family, people can make mistakes and be wrong. The reason a family needs two leaders is so they can make up for eachothers' weaknesses. Even in actual teams with a sole leader, they don't function if the leader is just calling the shots. The leader represents the team, not enslaves them.

How do you compromise on having a baby?

Easy. The one who is gestating and nursing the thing gets to decide if and when I want to risk my life and physical and mental health to do so. That is not me being a leader, that is me being the one sacrificing my physical body directly. The compromises after that are just on the general workload to bring home the bacon.

How do you compromise on whether to move the family to another country for the husbands work?

Depends on the situation. Besides the two options of everyone moving or everyone staying, we could also compromise by him moving and me staying with the kids (so the kids can keep attending their school), or seeing if he can do his job remotely or half-remotely, or if there are branches of it closer to where we live.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2025-01-10T14:02:13+00:00

Equal, make decisions together. Find a goodsolution for bothof you. Idealy you want a partner you are compatible with so you should agree on most issues. If you can't agree on such a fundamental thing as if you want to have children you are not compatible and should have never dated to begin with. Compromises and such choices are for smaller things, not for totaly fundamental values.

Or the person that is more affected by the specific issue should decide. Woman about having a baby because it's her body that would be ruined in the process. If one can (partially) work from home and the other has to go to work every day, they should move closer to the job of the person that can't work from home.

About moving for work it's complicated, you have to really weight how it affects you, if the other person can find similar mediocre job as the one they would have to leave, family relationships...

If you absolutely can't find a compromise it should be decided in favour of the person that is more affected by the issue. So it's different for each specific situation.

I want equality. Gun to my head I would rather have my way than submit. On the other hand I love his so much I would follow him anywhere, break my own rules for him and sacrifice anything just to be with him.

Sophiatab · 2025-01-10T16:45:53+00:00

I guess I'm going to have to say submissive though I believe relationships should be egalitarian. I have never met a man whose judgement was better than mine and I definitely don't believe either of my husbands were/are smart enough to be making important decisions about our family.

Mentathiel · 2025-01-10T20:50:02+00:00

Decisions that significantly impact both: Require two yeses or it's a no. We're not going into debt on one person's whim. We're not choosing a house. We're not having a baby. These things both people need to be enthusiastically into.

Decisions that impact only one party directly: That party decides. What medical procedures you have, who are your friends, how much do you talk to your parents, what are your hobbies, etc. are individual choices. The other person can give advice if asked or if they have a serious concern, but ultimately they have to defer to you.

Decisions that impact both in a minor way: Compromise or alternate. What do we have for dinner, Idk, doesn't matter that much, if we can't figure out something we both love, one person has the other person's favorite thing that evening and vice-versa the next day.

Decisions that are personal, but impact the other person: For example if you want to take a lower-paying job because you're stressed, that's a personal decision and you have a final say imo, but the other person can also set boundaries on what they're comfortable with. If you're going to be evicted from your home, or lose a visa, or if you're asking them to financially support you so you could do this, or whatever, they can say no to that or be upset about that and leave. That doesn't mean it's their decision to make, just that some decisions have consequences. Similar to for example not caring about your health, your health is a personal thing and you get the final say, but if your partner is, as a consequence, concerned about your fertility, having to take care of you, medical expenses, or losing attraction to you, that's entirely fair too and it might be a deal-breaker for them. That doesn't make it their decision, but they'll make decisions based on your choices, you might simply be incompatible if you can't find a mutually agreeable solution to these types of questions.

Decisions where one person is an expert: Both still get a say, but there should be some deference, especially in emergencies when there's no time to explain and discuss.

rose-of-suleiman · 2025-01-11T03:31:37+00:00

When I am married I will be submitting to my husband, because he is the leader and the right and responsibility to make the final decisions is his. I believe this dynamic is natural and appointed by God. But every husband should strive make sure to be the kind of man that submitting to him is easy and natural, because his decisions are very considerate and intelligent, and are the best decisions possible for the situation. I don't think Redpillers can achieve this because they are inconsiderate and emotional and also they also don't strike me as very intelligent.

Title	Q4W: Do you want a submissive man, or do you want to submit to your man?
Author	DiligentRope
Upvotes	0
Comments	163
Date	January 9, 2025 9:12 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1hxnf2d/q4w_do_you_want_a_submissive_man_or_do_you_want/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-do-you-want-a-submissive-man-or-do-you-want-to.1540771 https://theredarchive.com/post/1540771

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