Looking the same after babies

Thestral-glow6 · 2022-01-10T16:14:41+00:00

It makes me feel so sad when I see that women feel under SO much pressure to “bounce back” after having a baby ☹️

Mcccy · 2022-01-10T16:16:41+00:00

This is one of the biggest examples on why women are seen as objects.

You can't possibly expect a human who had another human growing inside them for 9 months which completely changed their hormones and bodies to just change their body back to a previous version.

Losing lots of weight is hard already, I can't imagine trying to make healthy meals and working out with postpartum depression or fatigue or even under 'normal' circumstances where you have to pay attention to a baby 24/7.

BoxingChoirgal · 2022-01-10T17:34:53+00:00

Right, women are expected to "snap back" to pre-pregnancy dimensions. Because mothers have nothing else to worry about and should not "let themselves go."

Yet "Dad Bods" are somehow a good thing.. S.M.H.

ASeaOfQuotes · 2022-01-10T16:24:48+00:00

The biggest disservice to women is making it seem like you should “bounce back” weeks after birth. I’m so glad a growing community is showing the reality of how a woman’s body changes post birth, that’s been the best part of body positivity movements by far, because it serves to inform and educate women on what media tries to downplay. How can anyone make an informed choice on child bearing when you don’t even get taught how your body will change?

Zurflu · 2022-01-10T16:05:31+00:00

BuT thiS ONE WOMAN I KNOW (who used a surrogate) loOkS exACTly thE SAme!

Davina33 · 2022-01-10T17:15:04+00:00

I'm not a mother either and I think it's awful. A new mother has bigger things on her mind taking care of her newborn, rather than losing weight. What's a man's excuse for putting on weight then? My cousin let me in on some things I didn't know about when women get pregnant. It seems like society treats mothers as burdens when we would all die out if it wasn't for them.

I_know_right_AS_IF · 2022-01-10T18:19:31+00:00

I'm a mother and I didn't realize that my bone structure would change as well. I have a short torso, so my pregnancy was super difficult because it just pushed my baby outwards which was such a burden to carry.

My hips are wider now, and if I'm sitting down and cough or sneeze or laugh too hard, my hips hit my ribs and it hurts!!!

Women are expected to bounce back, and men are being praised for their "sexy" dad bods 🙄 it's unbelievable.

ewokblubber · 2022-01-10T17:09:11+00:00

Not only is that expectation complete and utter bullshit, what frustrates me even more than that is that many of the more gruesome effects of pregnancy and childbirth could be mitigated if only there was better gyno research and treatment availible.

Like, yeah, loose skin, bla bla bla. That's the change the male gaze emphasises. But let's talk about thinks like pelvic floor muscle changes, peeing whilst sneezing, vaginal prolapse, botched sutures, pain whilst having sex and defecating, vaginal wall tears, and all the other changes that cause much more literal pain than a bit of saggy boob ever could. Yes, certain body changes are just part of pregnancy, but all those things listed are only as common as they are because medicine systematically devalues women, especially pregnant women and mothers. These changes are so widespread that most gynos will tell you to just 'suck it up, buttercup' if you experience these complications. And why are they so widespread? Because there's no research, because no one gives a fuck, because no one listens to women.

Like, yeah, LVM expecting women's looks to 'bounce back' to their perky old self within 0.2 days after giving birth is fucked-up, but there's an entire additional layer of silence, dismissal, and ignorance surrounding deeper, pathological changes. THAT fucks me up even more. You can dump a LVM and thus remove him from your life if he has the audacity to whine about your looks. The medical system, you have to deal with.

dkwantsdk · 2022-01-10T17:29:46+00:00

It's a distraction from recognizing our full power and propaganda for us to go back to prioritizing the male gaze. Because here's the thing, when you get pregnant and especially after have a baby, the patriarchal conditioning cracks. That voice of our body that had been silenced and made small starts talks to you, tells you to rest, tells you to eat, tells you to bond, tells you to nurse, tells you to heal. Your hips widen, your hormones shift, your focus points inward and then outward onto the child in your arms. The patriarchy cannot win against the cry of a baby and the oxytocin which bonds you to it. The patriarchy cannot win against the expanding belly, the lochia, the letdown of milk, the perfect latch and release. The patriarchy cannot compete against the power of creating life, a precise clockwork that our bodies do naturally but would shatter a man's pelvis and kill him.

xpressurself111 · 2022-01-10T17:31:53+00:00

I was in a fb group for moms a few years ago, so many of them talked about getting fully waxed before birth, and not allowing photos in their hospital delivery room until they had their make up done (professionally - in this particular discussion, so they could have a photographer capture the first moments). Sadly there was more agreement than even questioning this, it really sucked.

BBQCoolRanchQueen · 2022-01-10T17:37:07+00:00

I'm one of the one percent who "bounce right back" in a week and look slim and my NVX still made negative remarks about my body. I have stretch marks and a small amount of extra skin which can only be surgically corrected. Whether you choose to breastfeed or not, there will be permanent changes to your breasts due to hormones enlarging them during pregnancy, and sudden engorgement not allowing enough time for the skin to stretch and adapt. It's absurd to think that a woman's body will look exactly as it did pre-pregnancy. It goes to show the complete dehumanizing of women as sex objects that are "ruined" by pregnancy if we get so much as get a stretch mark.

blehblahbloopboop · 2022-01-10T15:45:25+00:00

If my husband expects me to look the same after giving birth, I expect him to maintain his hairline and body as he was at the age of 25.

FI-REfox · 2022-01-10T17:45:44+00:00

Another little-discussed issue is the impact of chronic sleep deprivation during the later stages of pregnancy and for months after birth.

We've all seen the articles about how the average person is not getting enough sleep because of excessive home and work responsibilities, so imagine the mental and physical load of waking up every few hours to breastfeed around the clock has an a mother of newborn (which of course, only women can do). And consider those unlucky few of us who has babies that refused to sleep through the night until close to 1 year of age. I could go on a much longer rant about the immense pressure that new mothers, especially first time mothers, receive from family, health professionals and society at large to exclusively breastfeed for as long as possible. Research on the long-term benefits of breastfeeding is more mixed than you would guess from the untrammeled boosterism of "bReAsT iS bEsT!1!!", but society has a certain bloodlust for the self-sacrifice of women, and from mothers, even moreso.

Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a reason. It is extremely hard on your mental well-being and physical health. As obvious as the effects are on your physical appearance, the long-term effects on your immune function and cognitive performance are far more concerning.

BedazzledSwashbuckle · 2022-01-10T17:49:29+00:00

It's insane. It's definitely a sign that women are seen as consumables for the target consumer, men.

It's even crazier when you realize that most men can't really ID the physical effects of becoming a mother. If you don't share that you have kids, a lot of them don't let the physical changes slow them down .. and are still surprised to find out that there are children in the picture.

frustratedmarxistfem · 2022-01-10T23:22:55+00:00

What I find strange, as well, is the way men use "science" to pretend that pre baby is the most attractive for "biological" reasons. Its absurd, if we're gonna use evopsych here than technically stretch marks and sagging breasts should be most attractive because a woman whos successfully given birth is much more likely to produce a healthy offspring. Fertility this, Fertility that, nothing proves fertility more than being a mom.

JulyParade · 2022-01-10T18:55:33+00:00

Remember the post pregnancy commercial that was banned for being "too graphic"? Women are expected to disappear after giving birth to tiny humans and not complain. I'm glad I never felt the urge to have a child. I can't imagine how let down even the most supported women feel through pregnancy.

Platipus6 · 2022-01-10T22:10:18+00:00

We totally need retreats for new mothers where they can actually relax and bond and walk around with no shirt on while they heal and learn to breastfeed in a loving environment.

Need some ideas for names!

Womb with a view

The Placentre

Lactation Station

Post-partum Vacation

The Fourth Trimester Sequester

Post Incubation Lactation Education Relaxation Vacation. PILERV.

No-Adagio-1572 · 2022-01-10T17:39:49+00:00

It’s because a women value is determined by how she looks. I mean how insane is this world that moms that just pressed a baby out of their vagina and are concerned by their appearance and try to look “fuckable“ as soon as possible. You should rest adapt yourself to your new situation and not run into the next gym. But nowadays women will get called empowered for doing that when in fact it is the exact opposite. It is an desperate attempt to regain value in society.

kittilittr · 2022-01-10T17:53:56+00:00

I'll admit, the pressures of staying thin are what makes me dread the possibility of pregnancy. Seeing pictures of famous celebrities who stay thin the entire time they're pregnant blows my mind. I believe this puts unrealistic expectations on us.

freerollerskates · 2022-01-10T17:27:58+00:00

I looked amazing after I had a baby, but then again I had no money because my ex husband took it all , so no money for food so is how I got super skinny, and haircuts were too expensive, so that's how I grew waist length hair, and taking the car out would have cost money so pushing the stroller up the hill gave me a really great butt.

the-worst- · 2022-01-10T20:00:36+00:00

I have had 2 kids via c section... there is definitely permanent changes, even without having pushed the baby out my pelvic bone.

First, my back has been severely injured from the epidural needle, as the second c section was planned and I wasn't already numbed by the magnesium drip. I'm not crippled, but I have to move slowly and carefully to not irritate my back or I risk being in quite horrible pain for the rest of the day, unable to adequately fight the adhd executive disfunction and so not getting anything done. Before pregnancy I was a belly sleeper. Now sleeping on my belly means unbearable pain from the moment I wake up, and all I can do is hope the pain meds actually help this time... and I often roll onto my tummy while I sleep, because my subconscious brain hates me.

Then the scar area. It hurts. And it's sensitive to the touch. My scar is so weird that an ultrasound tech made note of it when checking the iud I had just had put in less than 24 hours prior... severe pain, worse than labor... turned out my uterus was rejecting the iud. Worse 48 hours of my life aside from when I almost died from eclampsia.

Speaking of which, I had pre-eclampsia with my first (emergency c section as a result), and eclampsia with the second. Both times it was made clear I might not make it. My veins, especially in my feet and legs, often itch awfully or are pained as if ants are crawling on my feet and biting them up. This is likely from the spiked blood pressure with the eclampsia, which didn't go back to normal until months after the birth.

My left hip has a tendon that is still lose enough to roll around if I'm not careful (leftover from when hormones allowed my tendons to be more flexible for birth), sweeping, moping, and vacuuming all can cause the tendon to shift. It makes me barely unable to walk when it happens.

Let's not forget the mental trauma... for c sections you have to remain awake until the baby is out, and you are numbed from the shoulders down. The horror when I was passing out after having my first baby and hearing the doctors say "ok, which organ do you think we should put back first?"... then waking up shaking, unable to see baby until the shaking stops.

My urethra is weak from the catheters, since I was unable to get myself up to pee or recognize I needed to pee. Now if I don't rush to the bathroom, I'm highly likely to pee a bit on accident before reaching the toilet.

And I'm so tired. All the time. Migraines are worse. It's way harder to lose weight now, which was something I intended to do before getting pregnant before ending up with a surprise baby.

My body gets fatigued. I mean sometimes it gets to the point where I have no hand strength and develop extreme butter fingers.

AmeliaEmiliaEmma · 2022-01-10T23:48:20+00:00

On a related topic, I just listened to an audio book… Have you ever heard of a “husbands’ stitch”? I am shocked!

So when a woman gives a birth and rips down there, they stitch her back and add an extra stitch to make her tight for her husband’s pleasure (hence the name, husbands’ stitch). AND they do that without asking/informing the woman!

The next time poor woman has sex, she is in pain, and when complaining to her doctor, she finds out why. How bizarre!

fdsalt1 · 2022-01-10T18:02:44+00:00

Agreed. How sad was it that only weeks after giving birth, Meghan Markle's body had not completely recovered obviously and yet she dressed up and looked nice with her husband and new baby and still a post-birth belly bump and it was seen as radical and she was literally applauded for showing herself in person in such a state?!

The_Cat_Empress · 2022-01-10T18:12:41+00:00

And when you try to say how traumatic it is on women’s bodies these baby crazed women don’t even care.

I think a subconscious then fully conscious reason I’m childfree is the horror stores my Mom would say. Hell she almost DIED when she had one of us.

It’s no joke…and women not educating themselves on this issue and hand waving it makes me so angry…there shouldn’t be such a pressure to “lose the baby weight.”

ab_uno_disce_omnes_ · 2022-01-10T21:45:11+00:00

And then there’s the pressure to have sex as soon as possible. The guilt of “not neglecting the father” and making sure to give him sexual attention was part and parcel of the new mum experience never mind whether she felt like having sex or not.

Despite it being completely normal to have no interest in sex I was constantly asked by nurses and doctors at check ups if I had resumed regular sex and in the end given medication to help make it less painful.

HappyCoconutty · 2022-01-10T19:08:22+00:00

I’m a mom to an almost 4 year old and my body doesn’t look all that different after birth but it certainly functions different despite months of physical therapy. I have a handful of tiny stretchmarks on my hips which are way less than what I got everywhere else during puberty.

Pregnancy and breastfeeding for 22 months didn’t change the appearance of my body as much as stress from a house renovation and raising a toddler solo during the pandemic did. It’s the stress and inflammation that’s the issue.

However, my husband had sympathy pregnancy symptoms which included drop in testosterone and cravings. After baby turned 6 months old I started some gentle workouts and since then have been focusing a lot on building strength and mobility each year. But my husband never had the time to go back to the gym after baby since he does a lot of the cleaning around the house and focuses a lot of time on childcare. This combined with working from home for 5 years meant a loss of muscle mass for him and since he doesn’t know how to work out without the gym or playing basketball with his friends (who are now all new dads too), his body is declining while mine is getting stronger.

Aviendah_Fan_Club · 2022-01-10T15:58:33+00:00

Friend of mine had a difficult pregnancy and almost lost the baby twice. As it was, it came super early and tore her up (her words). Two weeks later her MIL asked her if she'd dropped her baby weight yet.

MsXxSelfDestructxX · 2022-01-10T20:55:20+00:00

I don't have kids but I have a different perspective on the body expectations of women. I grew up being really fat and took a long time to get my self-esteem/health in line during most of my youth. My body isn't perfect now, however it might actually look like I've had kids. I worked really hard in my life to get my body to the way it is right now and not wanting kids/to experience pregnancy cause I don't want to stress my body out again with that kind of life change. I listen a lot to the women that have had kids and talk about their physical experiences dealing with pregnancy and take a lot of that in.

Some LVM scrotes feel so entitled to the womb they get angry and feel entitled to neg women for NOT having kids... and then they still crap on women that DO have kids for not having a tight body. It's ridiculous. Idk it just scared me cause of an interaction I had with an ex, I know he wants kids and he's a total mommas boy with some wishy washy traits of being HVM, but all of the red flags and FDS handbook flashed before my eyes when he talked about it. And I was raised by a pickme, so there's a little war going on in my head.

BlackJeepW1 · 2022-01-11T03:14:35+00:00

Why bother? I bounced back with a vengeance after I had my son and my husband still had absolutely no sexual interest in me. I feel so bad for my young pick-me self. I absolutely bent over backwards to try to get this nasty scrote to show me the least bit of interest after giving birth to our child. He decided that perverted cartoon porn and his gross calloused hand were better than his wife who loved him. It’s too bad I don’t love him anymore lol can’t imagine why.

fogtree567 · 2022-01-11T13:14:28+00:00

I remember being completely shocked at Kate Middletons photo outside the hospital, nothing else I'd ever seen or heard or read about prepared me for still looking 5 months pregnant after the birth. Without that photo I would've thought I was a total freak.

OnlyPaperListens · 2022-01-10T20:29:25+00:00

I'm CF, but I have friends who experienced changes that you simply cannot exercise your way out of. Spreading/lengthening feet, spreading hip bones, incontinence, it goes on and on. A bit of tummy pooch is only the tip of the iceberg.

KekeSmall · 2022-01-10T18:04:16+00:00

It’s all BS! And then you have men who have the audacity to flap their useless gums, then they usually look like they’re about to give birth themselves.

jenneke-gotenberg · 2022-01-10T20:36:31+00:00

Obstetric injuries and tears can cause long term problems. I have noted the recent increase in mainstream availability of things like Incontinence garments in supermarkets- normalised in a way it never was before. People are even talking about ano recital birth trauma now whereas that was taboo for so long. People need to be aware that with the later it can be seriously hard to fix. I had that issue and thank his it’s mostly fixed but no one ever ever raised with me or mentioned it me- even when I had a third degree tear!

Zubinka · 2022-01-10T19:36:08+00:00

It's not like all the "baby" changes are even reversible.. It's not just growing belly or butt and then getting rid of them.. Your whole frame can change irreversibly, your feet grow.. It's crazy to worship those who maintain original shape and look down on those who change.. It's not all in how much you eat or exercise during pregnancy..

xenon_rays · 2022-01-10T19:58:52+00:00

Tbh, I think the stress, lack of sleep, and pouring all their attention into caregiving keeps mothers from looking healthy/happy as I would say. The “bouncing back” 100% is unrealistic, but taking care of a man-baby as well has got to make things worse.

Btw I don’t have kids, but if/when I do I’ll make sure it’s with a man who cares for me and the kids so I can care for myself.

moopy_schmoopy · 2022-01-10T20:07:45+00:00

And then you get trash men who abandon women after they give birth (or during pregnancy) because they “fell out of love” ugh

Ok_Feeling_7702 · 2022-01-10T20:16:54+00:00

Just age in general too. I’m a mom but at 36 even the women who haven’t had babies usually see a change. It’s easier to gain weight and harder to lose. It’s harder and harder to find time to work out because of all the responsibilities. It happens to a lot of women (and men too) just because of time, sometimes also because of struggles and hardships in life making it harder to prioritize.

kdkdkd64664 · 2022-01-11T01:52:21+00:00

I VERY often get “you look good…. FOR A MOM” from begging scrotes 🙄 like yeah, too good to be talking to you. Bye.

jenna_grows · 2022-01-11T08:03:36+00:00

I definitely pile the most pressure on. My husband keeps telling me how women age and it’s normal but my brain is a bit cracked from life in the patriarchy.

BrightDot7355 · 2022-01-11T08:39:23+00:00

I agree the expectations for women to instantly look fit after giving birth is bad. Like we still have to put up with caring for the baby, having to deal with late night cries like??

Junior-Lion7893 · 2022-01-11T21:50:34+00:00

As a child, I was told that the female body is suppose to snap back right after child birth. The younger you are, the easier it will be snap back. Needless to say, as an older woman who is more educated, I understand that that’s some bullshit. It was just propaganda in my community to encourage us to have children faster and earlier lol

What really opened my eyes was when I learned about postpartum depression. I started seeing and recognizing the signs with women in my community. It’s not really talked about since you’re supposed to be happy that you brought a life into this world. My friend who had her baby at 24, got really depressed that her body like what it once was. Thankfully she had a loving husband that accepted it and took her shopping to cheer her up. My aunt who had her third child at 31 had postpartum depression, because her third child was different from her other two that she thought she was a bad mother. In addition, she has changed entirely, her long thick black hair was now a chin length bob, and she had gained weight and stretch marks from having children consecutively. She didn’t feel the same and couldn’t accept the new her for a while.

CoffeeAndCorpses · 2022-01-10T23:13:18+00:00

I knew an anorexic woman who didn't eat enough throughout her pregnancy. Kid spent months in NICU.

East-Willingness513 · 2022-01-11T00:26:22+00:00

I looked better after giving birth because I breastfed full time and the weight fell off, my hair was full and my skin was clear. Now it’s a few years later and I’ve gained weight due to the stress of having a toddler and my boobs are starting to sag a bit now that I’m weaning, not too mention my lower belly. At least if I looked worse after birth I’d have an excuse, now it’s as if people think I’ve just let myself go which isn’t true. I’m just tired and stressed. I also hate that I even have to feel like this, like measure up to the “milf” stereotype instead of just being a mum taking good care of her kid.

mandoa_sky · 2022-01-11T06:45:59+00:00

that's why I get very sus when a guy mentions he wants kids but also comments on looks.

Crit-a-Cola · 2022-01-11T07:02:07+00:00

I know right? All my life mothers have been shamed for almost everything. Body fat, breastfeeding, their children crying is a reflection of mothers, some how?? When I was a child, even I did it- I was at a dinner table and saw a mother feeding her child and went "Eww, that's gross!" My dad immediately shushed me and took me aside and explained it was just a kid having a meal and there was nothing wrong with it.

It needs to change.

aoi4eg · 2022-01-11T09:39:17+00:00

My friend had the worst postpartum experience, mostly because she followed all those "perfect mothers" on Instagram and constantly punished herself for not losing baby weight or not having a 6 figures job (paid maternal leave in our country is 3 years). I, mostly, support all women, but those humble-braggers boasting about how they got back to work the day after giving birth and lost all weight or even more 2 weeks after that, make my blood boil.

qazzovuoi · 2022-01-10T17:31:17+00:00

My mother has always been skinny but she has anorexia nervosa and she's mentally ill some undiagnosed cluster b psychopathy Apparently still the perfect trophy wife cause she unleashes her fury only at home Of course men only care about physical features then there's also an infinite cycle of family issues and psychos attracting other deranged individuals but that's another story

Rheanne · 2022-01-10T18:52:11+00:00

I had a baby 22 months ago. I am convinced that 99% if not 100% of a woman’s ability to “bounce back” is dependent upon how much help and support she has. I was actually thinner pregnant than I am now, because every since the baby was born I’ve been doing everything myself. The father is not involved, doesn’t pay child support, and I haven’t spoken with him in 2.5 years. I work full-time (from home, thankfully), am 100% responsible for my child, and have to manage the household duties, cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, etc. I can’t go to the gym because I don’t have anyone to watch my son (I have zero family/friend support either) and I can’t afford a babysitter. Also, stress is a huge huge factor too. Stress and support. So, if you see a woman who doesn’t seem to have “bounced back,” I can almost 100% guarantee she doesn’t have the support she needs.

mal0mari · 2022-01-10T20:45:38+00:00

It’s been so hard. I know different women have different experiences but I’ve gained a significant amount of weight after childbirth I believe due to breastfeeding. This is a breath of fresh air to read.

raduserfemname · 2022-01-11T00:46:30+00:00

Oh it's even worse. There's a huge lack of knowledge about how to protect your pelvic floor. So women think they're working out in ways that will help them get their old bodies back, but setting themselves up for incontinence and prolapse.

RBGs-ghost · 2022-01-11T01:03:27+00:00

It depends on your genetics and lifestyle choices. Seriously. Some women forever carry the extra weight. And that's OK! Some women don't. And that's OK! I bounced back pretty quick. Within 6 months. I was in the military, spent my 20s fit, had a baby, worked out after, and I have great genetics in my family so the weight dropped off without me trying too hard. It just happened.

How your body responds to pregnancy is so individual and no one should require women to look a certain way in a certain amount of time

SadWomanOnline · 2022-01-11T03:02:42+00:00

Totally. women will likely gain wait during pregnancy and it makes no sense to shame them

Title	Looking the same after babies
Author	basicbiddy
Upvotes	775
Comments	125
Date	January 10, 2022 3:20 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/s0met6/looking_the_same_after_babies/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/looking-the-same-after-babies.1095386 https://theredarchive.com/post/1095386

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