So my gf stopped taking the pill 4-6 months ago, without telling me, and last week found out that she's 17 weeks pregnant.

Hamakua · 2011-11-30T13:06:24+00:00

Other than demanding a paternity test I don't have much advice for you. It all hinges on whether you would want to involve yourself in your child's life or not. Either way she has poisoned the relationship in such a way that you are trapped into either becoming a slave or becoming an asshole.

Because you two aren't married she holds all the cards over custody. I would involve your parents as much as possible. If you wish to involve yourself in the child's life I would also seek legal advice now. Hell, I would seek it now even if you don't want to involve yourself in your child's life.

You didn't mention your ages.

http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/

Father's and families may have some references to legal advice. I would start there. I am sorry to say but you have nothing but an up-hill battle in front of you no matter how this issue breaks. If I were in your situation though I would not trust that girl ever again... the hard part is "cutting off all contact" or being anything less than "a perfect boyfriend" may trigger her into bitch mode and the way the (US, UK, Australian) legal system is set up now, they are backing her far more than they are backing you.

5PK · 2011-11-30T15:54:00+00:00

Honestly, leave her now and get a lawyer. It sounds extreme, but this is totally the RED FLAG you need to foresee future relationship issues. This was a major violation of trust. The lawyer is because you're FUCKED. Also, don't yell and scream if you don't have to, get the lawyer behind her back and be prepared before she is. If its legal in your state, record her saying something incriminating, such as admitting she knowingly stop taking birth control.

FreddyDeus · 2011-11-30T14:55:08+00:00

[the family planning service] ...told her [to] make her plans on the basis that her potential motherhood would be as single parent. (Seriously WTF?)

This is perfectly reasonable of them, assuming she told them the truth about the circumstances of the conception. If I were in your position, she would no longer be in a relationship with me.

and has at times led to me question our future together

AT TIMES! This should be the only question on your mind, as far as your relationship goes. This is a MASSIVE breach of trust. If she'll do this, she can do anything. I know it's difficult coming to terms with the reality that your partner isn't who you thought she was, and that your relationship isn't what you thought it was. But are you seriosuly going to consign yourself to a future in which you have no fucking idea what will happen next?

Think about this seriously. Don't listen to those sentimentalists who will tell you that this could make your relationship stronger. What will happen is she'll probably continue to behave this way on many levels, and you will fall into the habit of justifying her behaviour the more you continue to invest in the relationship.

You will also probably find yourself harbouring a growing sense of resentment that will do you, and your child no good at all.

And bear in mind, if you marry her, your on a hiding to forking out even more cash, and carrying more heartache and resentment at some point in the future.

Also. DO NOT TAKE HER WORD REGARDING YOUR PATERNITY. It isn't the same here in the UK, but I understand that in the US and other countries, accepting paternity can not be reversed should you later discover that you're not the father.

I genuinely have no idea why somebody would want to bring a child into the world in this way.

It's called 'being a selfish fuck'. This is one of the reasons she would no longer be in a relationship with me.

productionx · 2011-11-30T14:20:26+00:00

Lets put everything else aside for right now.

Do you want to be a part of this childs life?

night_on_the_sun · 2011-11-30T14:01:09+00:00

[permanently deleted]

DeepGreen · 2011-11-30T14:20:10+00:00

Are you an Aussie mate? I have been through exactly this, but with a couple extra complicatoins. Your options are basically Cut and Run or Stay and Fight.

If you are going to cut and run, do it soon. Don't come back. This is huge, leaving behind your friends and family basically forever. I thought about it, but I decided that there was no way I could do it.

If you are going to stand and fight, go and get legal advice. Establish a pattern of consistantly trying to have contact and get access visits as soon as possible.

If you are Australian, be aware of the changes to the family law act that got voted into law this month which removes any penalty for her (or you) lying about violence and drastically lowers the test of evidence to allow her (or your) fears to be counted as actual threats or acts of violence. EG "I am afraid she will run our baby through a band saw as soon as I leave her alone!" must be considered by the court. Remember that this is a two edged sword, and fucking gut her with it if you think she is going to go for this. Seriously, work out exactly how this law works and be ready to use it. I assure you her friends will be telling her how best to use this particular law to beat you to death with, only by her restraint and forbearance might you be spared, as the court is no longer required to impose legal consiquenses on her should she lie to the courts about you being a violent animal.

Edit: Taking the high road and being seen to do the right thing has much legal merit. Should you be interested I direct your attention here which is an expert review of the changes to the legislation and what they mean. WHile I get angry and I have seen men destroyed by self doubt, my experiences with the courts have been fairly positive, just expensive. /Edit

It is best if you can keep her on side. Should she not try bullshit games calling you a child molester or whatever else she thinks may advance her cause, then you can expect every second weekend and some days during the week. Should you continue to fight hard in a year or three you might get more.

you will never get 50% custody unles she concedes that you should have it. None the less, you can be a significant and worthwhile part of your child's life. One day they will turn twelve or fourteen and have more of a say as to where they want to live.

It is in her financial interests to be such a bitch to you that you withdraw contact yet stay in the country. This has happened to a number of my mates. This will ensure that she gets the most possible financial support from you without ever having to share the affections of your child.

It is a long, long hard fight. No one will ever appriciate the sacrafices that you will make to be a part of your childs life. You will be trapped in a relationship with someone you hate, forever. She will have an entire social group to support her, single mothers and her female friends and relitives to pat her on the back and tell her how great she is, how hard she has it and what a deadbeat dad you are.

Do not let your anger and hurt isolate you. You will need all your strength soon enough, and make no mistake my friends (not my family) were the source of my strength.

Start saving money now. Lawyers cost $350 an hour, and you will need a bunch of legal help before this is over.

Many times at night I have lay in bed and thought that getting my ex whacked would only have cost ten or twelve thousand dollars. The hard part would be to live every day forever knowing that I'd done that to my little girl.

PersonalityDisorder · 2011-11-30T12:41:24+00:00

Makes me wish shit like this could be defined as entrapment. Makes me sad that it will never be.

cuteman · 2011-11-30T15:23:14+00:00

Next potential shocker.... Is the kid yours?

iongantas · 2011-11-30T15:54:11+00:00

Sue for fraud.

frostek · 2011-11-30T12:51:05+00:00

Say you gave away all your money 4-6 months ago without telling her. ;-)

"What? Only you are allowed to make uninformed decisions?"

In_Armor · 2011-11-30T15:39:14+00:00

This is really terrible to hear. A more extreme version of the rug I had yanked out from under me. "I love you. I want to have a baby. My clock is ticking." Etc. Gets pregnant. Loses fucking mind.

Now I have a beautiful daughter I rarely see, and a third of my income is gone. I will never be able to retire. The ex has no job and refuses to get one. Why should she? She gets free food and nearly 800 dollars a month to do nothing.

Fucking garbage. Shit should be illegal.

BPhair · 2011-11-30T16:07:01+00:00

I usually dislike people like Tom Leykis, but he makes a good point with a tactic that he calls a 'Hail Marry'. I'll see if I can find the clip.

Essential you tell her you love her and want to be together with her forever and that you want to have kids with her someday. You tell her all the problems that would happen with having a kid right now, but in a few years you want to have kids. Basically say you want to be with her forever. Then you suggest the abortion, for the good of the relationship. So on and so forth.

If she has an abortion, awesome. You're free and clear. Wait a few months and dump her. If she doesn't, lawyer up, get a paternity test, etc.

Edit: Hindsight is 20/20, but you should consider freezing some sperm and getting a vasectomy while you still have a meager amount of money no matter how this situation plays out. I did it when I was 18 because my parents got pregnant at 21 and let me say it has been quite the smooth sailing since.

ghebert001 · 2011-11-30T13:15:28+00:00

My advice? If you both discussed children and you clearly expressed your not wanting any, then I say flee the country and start a new life. If you wanted children just not now, don't stay in the relationship unless she is willing to get counselling for her sociopathic behaviour. I don't know if it's the first time she's done something like this, but I can tell you it won't be the last. In other words, "Oh hunny since we have a child we may as well get married...oh now I'm bored of you, I want alimony."

gder · 2011-11-30T14:57:09+00:00

[permanently deleted]

frownykid · 2011-11-30T12:43:50+00:00

Listen kid. I went through the same thing. Be strong, get your parents to pay her some money to get lost and never, ever, ever speak to her again.

She is untrustworthy and will destroy your life.

ignatiusloyola · 2011-11-30T12:59:59+00:00

A lot of things drastically change when someone suddenly is faced with being legally forced into a scenario they never wanted...

A woman's right to choose is a good thing, but so is a man's right to choose. But unfortunately that latter one can be taken away by another person.

2011-11-30T14:37:50+00:00

If it wasn't clear bud, you need to move fast. Abort, disappear or pay child support. Either way, you are not to have anything to do with this woman again, do you understand me?

mr_znaeb · 2011-11-30T15:56:49+00:00

maxp0wah · 2011-11-30T16:26:03+00:00

xolieo · 2011-11-30T15:21:34+00:00

Just forget to not put plan b in her pancakes. GG

GroundhogExpert · 2011-11-30T16:40:41+00:00

You do have legal rights, if she goes through with the pregnancy she cannot keep you out of the kid's life, and just because you will be in the kid's life does mean that you two will be together. I would make sure she knows exactly what keeping the child to term means. Additionally, you should calmly tell her how you feel that she deceived you, and that this all feels very unfair that she has so much control over your future without even discussing this over with you.

moonbleach · 2011-11-30T19:33:16+00:00

Female here that has been in a similar situation and just a little bit of advice from my experience:

Just wanted to note here, as a female, that if you take a pill once a day every day (just an assumption she was on the pill since it's the most widely used) for YEARS (again assuming you're early to mid twenties and on average girls start HBC in late teens) you don't just suddenly forget for months.

Also, if she's 17 weeks she most likely already knew. Most women have regular periods once they get a little older (HBC makes it even more so) and I could understand if she was only say, 8 weeks that she could blame her cycle being irregular but seventeen weeks and not knowing is yet another red flag; many women also already feel the baby moving around 15-18 weeks.

When you went to the hospital at 2am who was it that wanted to go? If she felt that seriously ill and suggested it herself I'm willing to bet she knew and was afraid she was losing the baby. If you suggested it, did she initially resist the idea?

If she wants the baby there really isn't anything you can do. Again, don't trust the paternity allegations and don't sign the birth certificate until you have had a DNA test to prove that the child is yours. I'm not sure if the laws there are like the ones here, where signing the birth certificate will make you legally liable even if the baby isn't yours.

The biggest decision you face is if you want to be a father or not. Either way, get a lawyer and get her a psych eval ASAP!

sequoia123 · 2011-11-30T19:36:31+00:00

Honest question from a gay male, please don't attack. Why don't you always wear a condom?

JimminyBob · 2011-11-30T21:39:50+00:00

As a woman I find this disgusting and deplorable and I'm sorry to say that it is incredibly commonplace (UK perspective). As a person in a trusting and loving relationship I couldn't imagine either of us abusing that position. Individuals using entrapment like this do not deserve the unreserved support of the Justice System. I wish you the best of luck.

beefstick86 · 2011-11-30T20:00:43+00:00

Female here- (so I'm prepared for the downvotes)

1.) This bullshit your girlfriend pulled on you, makes me sick. I see women doing this all the time. In fact, I had one girl say "You hold all the cards, if you want to have a baby, just stop taking your pills". WTF?? I cannot believe I had another woman straight up tell me to deceive my boyfriend. I never have, nor will I ever intentionally do something to mess up my relationship with him

2.) There is this "competitiveness" that women have. I'm not sure when it starts, but it gets pretty intense. You've heard that expression "my internal clock is ticking?" Well, it's very true. So true it will make women do crazy things. I should know, I get all the sick twisted thoughts that come with it, I just don't act on it. I cry like a girl instead. But with this competitiveness, we think "oh so and so who is my age has a kid, husband, etc..." and we think that we have nothing to show for ourselves, when obviously we know that's not true. - I'm a 25 year old female who's going to school for engineering and although the thought of having a little minion to call my own is a nice idea, I don't have time, the patience, or the finances to do it. Plus, I like my body too much to have it mangled by a fetus that's going to occupy itself in my womb, like a dirty hippy on Wall street.

3.) What she did was entrapment. I know everyone else is telling you to break ties and just go separate ways, that's not what you want to do. In fact, you want to do the opposite. You will (sorry to say) be paying for the actions of her sick twisted behavior. 17% of your paycheck I believe. But talk it over with your parents, perhaps you can find/prove her to be an unfit mother and take over the custody of the child. I know that may not be an option for you, but I'm sure you could get help from you parents in raising the child. The other thing you should do, and I stress this is of great importance, be a part of your child's life. Even if you hate the mother, do not be absent in the the growth and development of this child. If the mother is truly that mentally unstable, the worst thing you could do is leave your child in her hands and to grow up behaving just like her.

4.)I believe that men should have a say in the "termination" of a fetus just as much as a woman, especially since she lied and trapped you. At the same time, you should have also wore a condom. I know she was on the pill, but if you know anything about us women, we're crazy and do irrational things. Case in point, what you're going through right now.

Right now your life is pretty rough because you've just been lied to, betrayed, and have been involved in a very important life choice without your permission. I can understand that. But in due time you may even enjoy being a parent and appreciate this opportunity.

I hope my words of wisdom helped some. I just wanted to post mostly to prove not all women are psychotic and can live child free. Take care. I hope karma bites her in the ass one day.

Edit: Lawyer up! You cannot be too cautious in a matter like this.

Gothiks · 2011-11-30T14:35:14+00:00

Sounds like rape

14mit1010 · 2011-11-30T18:10:38+00:00

Your choices are

i) Get out of the country

ii) Kill her and dont get caught

iii) Be her slave for the next 18 years

Choose wisely

2011-11-30T18:22:29+00:00

Don't worry. /SRS says this pretty much never happens and it's silly to worry about.

DearBurt · 2011-11-30T20:12:06+00:00

... apparently then only discovering that she was pregnant.

So, she didn't notice missing her period for a few months?

ProWomanAntiFeminist · 2011-11-30T14:58:12+00:00

I would definitely get a paternity test. Other than that I'm sorry dude, but you're totally screwed.

You (unknowingly) impregnated a deceitful, hateful, and selfish woman and you're on the hook for 18+ years of child support. At this point you're going to have to make the best of it. My advice would be to 1. NOT marry her and 2. get a lawyer. Because if you're going to be paying $$$$$ you should also negotiate decent visitation rights.

buffalo_pete · 2011-11-30T15:28:56+00:00

I have no advice, and you shouldn't listen to me anyway, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. There are smart people commenting here, listen to them.

But I wish you the best of luck, token78. You're in my thoughts.

2011-11-30T16:23:30+00:00

get out of the relationship and as far away from that crazy, lying bitch as you can, get a paternity test and a lawyer and hope that it isn't yours.

earthforce_1 · 2011-11-30T13:20:07+00:00

I guess the moral of the story is to never trust a woman who may be wanting a child to look after the birth control. If you have even the slightest doubt in her, get a vasectomy (there are reversible kinds) so you are in the clear.

NickRausch · 2011-11-30T14:58:31+00:00

Time for the Hail Mary?

2011-11-30T16:25:49+00:00

Leave the country. You can make a decent living teaching English overseas.

Meevers · 2011-11-30T14:27:55+00:00

This is probably one of the worst things a woman can do and I'd probably just say leave her and it is up to you whether you want to be a part of that childs life or not. It seems like a harsh thing to do but in reality she's decided for you both that it's time to have a child, which is a massive responsibility, even though she knows you're not ready for one or that neither of you can provide everything for it and thus it will create a war between the two of you. Under those circumstances, you should not have a child.

I don't understand what goes through womens heads when they do things like this and I'm one of them. It just seems like an utterly childish and selfish thing to do, like 'I want this NOW so I'm having it no matter what!'. They normally regret it horribly when they stuggle with losing their partners by completely shattering any trust they had for them mixed with the reponsibility of bringing up a child they've not even prepared for, yet they would probably never actually admit it and blame the entire thing on their partners. Women like this are utterly pathetic.

Did you talk about the child aspect before you actually started to have unprotected sex? Even though you might have felt it isn't possible due to birth control I think it's a conversation all couples should have before going down that route - 'what are you going to do if it fails/she forgets?'

mugsnj · 2011-11-30T15:50:42+00:00

and told her make her plans on the basis that her potential motherhood would be as single parent. (Seriously WTF?)

I think the reason for that is that most teenage girls think they're going to stay with their boyfriend forever, and that rarely works out. So she needs to make her decision with the assumption that she won't be with you forever. It sounds like they're guiding her away from keeping the baby, so quit complaining.

Miathermopolis · 2011-11-30T17:05:11+00:00

Your girlfriend is a manipulative cunt. Sorry dude.

GTChessplayer · 2011-11-30T13:32:56+00:00

1) This should be fraud. I agree.

2) You should have put your hedonism aside and kept responsibility over your actions. You left safety in another person's hands and you got burned. Next time, trust nobody but yourself.

tiggoftigg · 2011-11-30T16:49:42+00:00

Dude, I'm sorry she got you like that. Don't do anything too harsh and remember to try and keep a cool head at all times now. Arguing/fighting is one thing, but don't do anything that can come back to bite you in the bumbum legally. You don't have many rights in the situation, but you don't want to aggravate an already crazy sitch/person. I think the most important thing is not what you can do/can be done, but what it is you want. The ways to go about it may be much clearer after figuring that out.

aaomalley · 2011-11-30T17:22:45+00:00

you are screwed . men aparently have no reproductive rights or sexual agency but having sex with a woman when she thinks you are wearing a condom but arent is sex by false pretenses and many consider it rape

2011-11-30T17:27:05+00:00

...what was her motivation to stop taking the pill?

2011-11-30T17:48:34+00:00

She tricked you and used you. She essentially stole the material from you to make her baby.

As far as I'm concerned, it's not even your kid. Tell her to fuck off and find someone you can trust.

sandgoose · 2011-11-30T17:55:50+00:00

I fear your dick may have been stuck in crazy.

Sometimes crazy takes years to reveal itself.

SlimThugga · 2011-11-30T18:30:21+00:00

Lawyer up, lawyer up, lawyer up. Fight for yourself because if you ask me, the relationship is pretty much over. Even if you accept the child, you'll likely somehow be shafted in the long run as she seems to have a knack for taking big decisions without listening to you anyway.

objective_feminist · 2011-11-30T19:09:24+00:00

Leave this lady because she seems absolutely crazy. Seriously, who forgets to take their birth control pills for several months? This was a calculated plan to get pregnant and rope you in, which makes no sense. If she wanted to be a single mother, there are plenty of sperm donors available, but now, she has inexplicably involved you.

She seems nuts, but speak to her one more time. Perhaps hire an arbitrator or therapist to help you make her understand just how much you do not want this.

I had a deadbeat dad. He lived with us until I was 7, but my mom was the sole provider in our household. He left and took most of my mom's savings with him. OP - that is a deadbeat dad. Someone who decides to be a father, then skips out. I would not consider you a bad person if you decide to have nothing to do with this child. If child support becomes an issue, in my area, it is between $300-500 per child, but it depends mostly on your wages. My mom employs one guy who has part of his wages garnished for child support - he pays a whopping $100/per month even though he makes $15/hour.

I understand it sucks to have to think about paying to raise a child you did not want, but this will not end your life. From now on, take responsibility for yourself and always use a condom.

kragshot · 2011-11-30T19:38:56+00:00

Three words motherfucker.

French Foreign Legion.

No, I'm not joking. call whoever you need to and get a french visa and join the legion.

Bwhite0425 · 2011-11-30T20:25:34+00:00

Seriously... as a female, shit like this enrages me (not about you, about her. I should understand more about custody considering my mom was a single parent but you should have the option of not wanting to be in the child's life at all if you don't want to because the option of abortion is still there. It would be all up to her to deal with the consequences of her actions, if she wants to keep the baby and you don't well then she should have to fucking pay for it herself. She has spoiled her relationship with you, I would never trust someone who would do that to me. Good luck and lawyer up as soon as possible. If you do decide to stay with her you should update us all on what you did ect, ect. Hell with it, update us anyway I'm curious as to how this all turns out.

2011-11-30T20:59:36+00:00

Get a paternity test. If she pulled this, there's not telling what else she's been doing.

kronox · 2011-11-30T23:25:40+00:00

This probably won't get seen but I went through the exact same thing and i now have half custody of my child. The best and smarted thing you can do for you AND the child is to lawyer up and IMMEDIATELY sue her for your half of the custody. The courts will look at you as the responsible one. That is what i did (only because i was fortunate to have parents wealthy enough to help me) and the bitch never ever got a single thing she wanted. Her plan was to have me paying support, at this point she owes me like 50 dollars a month... i know it's small but hey if the tables were turned i'd be paying a whole lot more than that every month to a bitch that wouldn't even let me see my kid.

immortalagain · 2011-11-30T14:45:12+00:00

leave her now

2011-11-30T17:29:17+00:00

My advice is get rid of the girl FOREVER.

She's trapping you into a situation you do not want.

You cannot trust her ever.

If you get rid of her now, mebbe she'll get the hint and get an abortion.

The best case scenario in this is that she DOES get an abortion.

The second best would be that you're forced into child support forever.

Yeah, you'll lose the ability to actually SEE the child or have any say in it's upbringing... but considering the case you're in now... it's not like you were actually going to be able to do those really anyway. Mommy knows best as they say.

kaesylvri · 2011-11-30T19:34:10+00:00

Always wear a condom. No matter what the girl says.

You went bareback, now you are financially responsible.

2011-11-30T21:22:58+00:00

As somebody training to be a counselor, giving advice during a 30-minute phone session is highly unethical. You are there to support the client and give her complete autonomy over her decisions--giving advice and opinions is very unethical if the client themselves have not come to their own decision; one can disclose an opinions but only after rapport is established (which would take a few weeks, at least) and only then after repeating that their opinion is not necessarily for the benefit of the client.

If anything in family counseling, it best case practice to try to include all members of the [in this case, potential] family in the decision making and counseling process. What happened is total bullshit and could be ground for malpractice, given certain circumstances.

I am truly sorry for what has happened.

brennanww · 2011-11-30T13:22:52+00:00

under modern laws you be fuuuuuucked son, bullshit OVER 9000!!

TheRealPariah · 2011-11-30T19:24:03+00:00

DO NOT SIGN THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

2011-11-30T15:27:45+00:00

I support a womans autonomy over her body...

You do? Why would you feel that way now that you see the kind of twisted shit that can happen? People say that because it's expected of them, but really no one thinks that it's the right thing to do. Laws governing this kind of thing are so fucking ass backwards these days... as a man, you have no rights... progress!

tapnfap · 2011-11-30T16:53:21+00:00

DTMFA!!!

2011-11-30T17:12:19+00:00

Oh how i love to have more than one citizenship. If shit like that happened to me, i'm OUT of here. fuck giving money to a cunt cause she wants to be a mom without asking. I would send money to the kid, but hell if i'm going to let a government tell me how much she needs.

Deus_Imperator · 2011-11-30T17:20:39+00:00

Move out of the country and cease all contact, let her raise it entirely on her own with no support if she wants it so badly, traveling is awesome anyways.

zaferk · 2011-11-30T18:01:20+00:00

How old are you both?

EvanYork · 2011-11-30T18:07:55+00:00

Well, all you can do is go forward and try to be the best father you can. Good luck. I know it's not fair that you have no choice over the fate of your offspring, but all you can do is move on.

MRMRising · 2011-11-30T18:35:32+00:00

Give Mel Fiet a call at the National Center for Men. Try to launch a lawsuit before the state forces you into unwanted Fatherhood. Stand on principle, and take it to the SCOTUS if you have to. Keep your case out of the State Courts, go Federal.

2011-11-30T18:52:43+00:00

I've decided that I'm gonna freeze my sperm then immediately get a vasectomy. problem solved.

2011-11-30T18:57:55+00:00

Mazel tov--now say goodbye to your paycheck.

2011-11-30T19:15:14+00:00

I watch my girlfriend taker her pill every night to prevent this very thing.

HotSoup_77 · 2011-11-30T19:37:25+00:00

Sounds pretty unjust to me.

ItsNotMineISwear · 2011-11-30T19:44:50+00:00

OP, how do you know she stopped taking the pill 4-6 months ago? You mentioned it in the headline but didn't elaborate on how you figured that out in the body of your post.

Rajoy_ahoy · 2011-11-30T19:58:20+00:00

talk to a lawyer and if you care about your future child consider ways of getting the sole custody (the sort of sociopath who schemes to surreptitiously get pregnant probably won't make a good mother)

Finaltidus · 2011-11-30T20:01:03+00:00

just leave, dont even give her anything, it might be tough, but this is just a step to what will happen in the future.

2011-11-30T20:05:14+00:00

Are you actually questioning whether you should leave this harpie? Even if she does have the kid you have every right not to want to see her face again. If it was me I'd spend the next 20 years on some Guatemalan fishing boat, and when the kid asks why I'd tell them straight up that mommy didn't give me a choice. Fuck robbery by pregnancy.

ManofToast · 2011-11-30T20:52:06+00:00

Fuck, this has never happened to be and I have trust issues because of it. It really hurts to see things like this happen.

DuchessofYanks · 2011-11-30T20:54:28+00:00

Sorry to hear you're going through this. My advice would be to get a paternity test, if she'll go behind your back and not tell you that she stopped taking birth control, then unfortunately she's capable of other things, because that's a pretty fucked up thing to do to someone.

You have two options if she goes through with the pregnancy: Prepare to take care of this child for 18 years through court ordered child support or relinquish parental rights. If you didn't want the child, which is sounds like you don't at this time in your life, then you shouldn't be made to take care of it. She was the one who was being manipulative and dishonest, don't let yourself be dragged into her web of deceit.

erok81 · 2011-11-30T21:44:39+00:00

Not sure about your jurisdiction, but just signing the birth certificate could have legal implications.

Overlord1317 · 2011-11-30T21:45:48+00:00

Here are the scenarios:

1.)You want to be involved with kid's life, you put up with this horrible mother in order for that to happen. You rationalize why you should be happy. Maybe you find being a father was worth all the other grief as millions of years of evolution kick in. Financially, you pay a lot.

2.)You don't want to be involved with kid's life, she doesn't want to fuck with you. You wander off and hope nobody comes looking for child support.

3.)You don't want to be involved with kid's life, she wants your money. You fight legal battles and end up paying either a shit ton or a slightly smaller shit ton. Or, you run away and hope the child support doesn't catch up with you and land you in jail or ruin your background history check or derail your life some other way.

2011-11-30T22:18:21+00:00

Move out of state
Don't sign the birth certificate
Cease communication
Relax and enjoy your happy life unless your DNA is already in the system, it's fairly hard to forcibly obtain DNA based solely on an accusation (as in you don't participate in the pregnancy at all) Especially if it's against your religion!

2011-11-30T22:23:17+00:00

Id say that if she is too uncomfortable to discuss with you the option of having a kid, so she decides to stop taking her pill and not tell you so that you get her pregnant, then she is obviously not a good girlfriend, and has emotional issues.

but what stance does she have on abortion? im assuming if she wanted to get pregnant so bad, that its not an option in her mind?

KMFCM · 2011-11-30T22:30:12+00:00

You really should have used protection.

There's isn't very much you can do at this point (that's legal).

Gareth321 · 2011-11-30T23:05:00+00:00

The law is broken. You're yet another casualty of it. You have my greatest sympathy.

Here's what I believe. I believe she lied to you in order to force you into becoming a father. This isn't a little white lie to get her way. This is a life-changing, monumental act of deception and malice towards you. She demonstrated utmost disregard for your welfare and wishes. That is not the sort of person you want to be with, I promise you that. You need to sit down with her and explain that if she goes through with it, you will not, under any circumstances, remain with her. You will cut her out of your life entirely, and have nothing to do with the child. Say that the choice to have a child was hers alone, and that what she did was a massive betrayal of trust. You don't want to be a father. Say that the second she can no longer get an abortion (the 20 weeks), you'll leave her and not look back. And you should follow through with it. We see many stories like this, and it's indicative of an over-arching attitude towards you as a person and partner.

Hopefully this wakes her up to her terrible actions. If not, at least you know what kind of person she is now and can move onto someone who actually cares about you. Here's the important part: whether she has the abortion or not, leave her. Obviously don't let on that you'll be leaving no matter what.

Good luck.

MissCait · 2011-11-30T23:37:41+00:00

Move to Argentina.

hidedurk · 2011-11-30T23:44:08+00:00

Here's my 2 cents. Dated someone for 2 months, found out she was pregnant. PREGNANCY IS A HARD TIME, for both males and females. Lots of emotion, lots of hormones on the girls part. Its crazy. In my situation week to week she was having an abortion then keeping him, then back to abortion. It was nuts. I could go on and on about the many different fights and stuff but it was crazy. I fought through it. and you have to, too. It is ultimately HER decision and you have to know that but there are things you can do. It got to a point where I realized that no matter what I did, I was going to be tied to this person for the next 18 years and ready or not I was going to become a parent. So I took all the shit she gave and sucked it up (to a point). We worked out everything out of court, I have him Sunday through Thursday and she has him the rest of the week. (by the way this started the week she came out of the hospital - born on a tuesday, left hospital by thursday and she dropped him off that sunday). She didn't stop smoking during the pregnancy because "her mom smoked with her and she was fine". Didn't breastfeed because it hurt. Didn't help me pay for his preschool (she didn't go and she was fine - shes not). But through it all i knew that I have to do things for my son. Be the best father you can be with the circumstances you have.
And let this story give you some hope, it gave me some, My brother in law watched his half brother's mom take his dad through the whole custody, alimony, court BS. Dad had 3 jobs only to get $0 paychecks. crazy stuff, in the end he asked his dad why he never told his brother about what his mother was doing...he said that he would figure it out someday. And he did. Day he turned 18 he moved back in with his dad.
If you need someone to talk to hit me up.

joedude · 2011-12-01T00:18:30+00:00

Go see a lawyer.

Psionx0 · 2011-12-01T00:20:21+00:00

1) Leave her. 2) Lawyer up. 3) Sue the holy fuck out of her for sole custody. 4) She lied once, she is going to do it again, and again. Time to walk out.

Alanna · 2011-12-01T00:26:02+00:00

Two things:

First, I agree, in terms of practicality, assuming she does not get an abortion, you need to decide, ready or not, do you want to be a father? I encourage you to do so, but I admit I am a woman, and I could, literally, never be in your shoes: a parent at the whim and deceit of another person. If nothing else, look at it this way: you're going to be liable, financially, so you may as well be more than a paycheck to the kid.

Now, if you do decide to pursue a more than financial fatherhood to this kid, here's the second: as others have said, lawyer up, and get a paternity test ASAP after the kid is born. Unless you're in Germany, AFAIK, you do not need the mother's permission for this. In the US, test kits are available in drug stores, or sites like this one have simply, easy to follow instructions to swab the inside of your mouth, inside of the baby's, send the swabs off, and pay about $80.

Hopefully your (potentially soon to be ex) gf will be less of a cunt about allowing you in your kid's life than she was about starting it, but don't count on it; that's why you need to lawyer up. Good luck, man.

amalieclairebishop · 2011-12-01T01:24:08+00:00

If she didn't tell you she stopped taking her pills then you need to get that paternity test and until then have nothing to do with her because she didn't have enough respect for you to let you know from the very beginning and way too many times I've seen women get pregnant just so that they can sit on their asses and collect child support and frankly women like that don't deserve to live because no child deserves this and that's who it's going to affect the most. Call me a whiny bitch, I don't care, but my mother was the exact same way and all my life I've had to repress any emotion I had because she's a Grade-A sociopath and I'm very much surprised hasn't killed anyone yet when she hasn't gotten her way. This girl clearly looks like she only cares about herself and if you do go to court I recommend you press for her to be psychologically evaluated to determine if she's a fit parent. I'm not sure if that's possible but I'd try for it anyway.

johnsus · 2011-12-01T01:24:30+00:00

If she has the kid, please be present in his life as a parent figure. And a parent figure isn't someone who calls every few months, it's someone who the kid sees at least 50% of the time. I have a few friends whose fathers abandoned them; although they don't admit it, they have deep psychological issues from a lack of father.

2011-12-01T01:37:28+00:00

Its always possible that it might not be yours, if she is willing to lie to you and do things like this she cant be trusted. So demand a DNA test, dont sign the birth cert until you have some proof.

From there, its up to you on what to do

galimi · 2011-12-01T02:27:36+00:00

I just got out of jail. 6 months for not being able to pay the over $2K a month in child support. You are fucked.

2011-12-01T02:54:39+00:00

On a barely related note, this.

JesseJaymz · 2011-12-01T03:30:21+00:00

Like they said on team America "pussies are just a fee inches away from being assholes" sounds like that pussy was just an asshole. Sucks man. Wish you the best. Having a kid cause of a mistake is one thing, but when one party plans the kid without telling the other that's just completely over the line. Please don't end up marrying her because you have a kid. Everyone I know that got married cause they had a kid around 18 years old is divorced by now (bought 6 couples. We're all bout 23 now) my dad had a kid with a lady and ended up not going through with the marriage and they have a healthy relationship. Bout the only advice I can give. Good luck broseph.

seemefearme · 2011-12-01T04:45:25+00:00

Should have used a condom.

2011-12-01T04:58:42+00:00

The sooner you leave the country, the sooner your baby-mama might change her mind and get an abortion knowing that she won't be able to handle it alone.

Another option is to post some fake images and status updates on facebook to fool all of your friends (and her) that you left the country while you just lay low somewhere else for a while.

iheartbakon · 2011-11-30T15:43:56+00:00

Punch her in the stomach.

skooma714 · 2011-11-30T18:40:59+00:00

This was basically rape

klippekort · 2011-11-30T18:59:10+00:00

Don’t have unprotected sex. Want unprotected sex in a relationship? Get sterilized without telling anyone ;)

Thinks_Like_A_Man · 2011-11-30T22:15:31+00:00

Yeah, this sucks that this is happening to you, the laws are fucked, your gf is manipulative and dishonest, but. . . .

This will no doubt be downvoted into oblivion, but why don't men ever take responsibility for a). choosing "crazy chicks" for a relationship; b). their inability to recognize that their girlfriend doesn't make good choices and act appropriately (as in dump the crazy bitch and find someone who is honest and forthright); and c). their own unwillingness to use a condom or have a vasectomy given the number of "crazy chicks" out there?

You guys act like this is a surprise, like you landed the only unstable individual in the world for a relationship. It's like being astounded that you got sideswiped by a drunk on New Year's Eve. Or when women bitch about their boyfriend cheating on them when he lies about everything else.

There are always red flags and warning signs. Dishonesty in small things translates into dishonesty in big things. I have a hard time believing that this is the first time this girl has ever been manipulative. Just a hunch.

Given that the consequences for the above are currently a lifetime of slavery -- financial or otherwise -- wouldn't the PRUDENT course of action be to always, always take control of the pregnancy prevention measures? If you really don't want a kid right now, then slap a rubber on your dick -- regardless of what she tells you. And that goes for women as well. You don't want a kid, he tells you he's had a vasectomy, don't believe him.

Why in the hell do you bet the next 18 years of your life on someone else's integrity?

HelenAngel · 2011-11-30T18:21:11+00:00

Just as an FYI- the reason why they are telling her to make plans as a single parent is because a lot of guys will leave once they realize that is an option. Some leave during pregnancy, some after a few months- but many just leave. I'm not saying you will, but that is why she was counseled that way. For what it's worth, most places also give advice about financial planning WITHOUT child support, so at least there's that. They will also caution the woman about the downfalls of seeking child support, which is why there is a growing trend of women who do not seek it.

chavelah · 2011-11-30T18:58:25+00:00

"Big mistake - in a mere 1/2 hour over the phone counselling session, they've already told her to ignore me in her decision making process, and told her make her plans on the basis that her potential motherhood would be as single parent. (Seriously WTF?)"

Well, you did plead with her to abort at 17 weeks. If she told them that, they gave her right advice. You've made it patently clear that you do not want the child. She should not plan on any kind of involvement or support from you - many single mothers never successfully collect child support. She has to be able to make a workable plan that doesn't involve you, in order to decide whether or not motherhood is something she can succeed at right now.

If you DON'T plan to bail, then start communicating that.

SETHW · 2011-11-30T19:15:46+00:00

dont cum inside vaginas. finish anal.

Rossology · 2011-11-30T19:44:24+00:00

You should have been wearing a condom.

hawt · 2011-11-30T14:32:27+00:00

My position on this probably won't be too popular with Men's Rights, but I feel like it needs to be said:

Something similar happened to a friend of mine (his GF said she was infertile, so they never used any kind of birth control and then she wound up pregnant.)

You say you had no choice in the matter, but what men need to realize is that YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE!

You made the choice to trust your girlfriend that she was on birth control and not wear a condom. Obviously your trust was violated and you know now that it was a huge mistake, but the choice was there. You just didn't make it because you trusted your girlfriend, or liked sex better without a condom, etc.

I think most of us agree, what happened to you was unjust, but now you have a choice to make.

I am going to give you the same advice I gave my friend.

You have assisted in the creation of another human being. From now on, every decision you make needs to be run through the filter of "Is this the best thing I can do for my child?"

You mentioned in your post that your girlfriend is considering motherhood as a single parent. (or was advised of it.)

But statistically the children raised with absentee fathers don't do as well as kids with two active, involved parents. It is going to cramp your style: No more year spent hiking in the Andes, or Youth Hosteling across Europe. No more carefree coasting in life, not caring where your next paycheck comes from.

You talk about only having custody battles and child support to look forward to, but instead of going at it like that, think of it like this:

You now have an opportunity to be a father to a child. You can teach him or her everything you know, then go on and discover new things together. You can help create a good, kind human being who may go on and cure cancer, or invent something, or be better at something than you are. You can live on forever in your kid. All it takes is a little delayed gratification and effort on your part.

Or, you could wash your hands of things out of anger and leave - not being involved in the child's life and just send over child support payments.

Let me tell you, my friend, that time has a funny way of speeding up once you hit 23 or so. In the blink of an eye, you'll be thirty. Shortly after that, you're staring forty in the face. Do you think your priorities will be the same then as they are now?

Imagine walking into a strip club at the age of 38 and seeing me (I'll be in my 50's then) getting a lap dance from your daughter. She's looking for Daddy, but all she finds is good ol' Hawt, drunk off his old man ass. Imagine me blearily eye fucking her while I shove fives into her pink g-string with my dirty hands. Imagine my friends offering her lines of coke to blow them in the toilet stall.

How much freedom do you have to have now to make that image okay when you're older?

Obviously, that is only one scenario. It's admittedly extreme, but very possible.

Find a person who skipped out on their kid at a young age, and see if they're really happy with the decision. Find me an old man on his deathbed who says "I'm happy I have no connection to my children, and I'm grateful they grew up without their dad."

You can come on MR and talk/complain about how unjust and fair the whole situation is (and trust me, it is) - but we are all aware of how society treats men in these situations. There is no Man's Right To Choose. We might not agree with it, but going into a relationship we all are aware of what can happen.

I'm not saying you need to keep dating or marry the mother. You absolutely need to get a paternity test and I agree with the other poster that said the relationship is definitely now poisoned.

You can cut off all contact with her or be an asshole to her, but all that is going to do is put your child in a shitty situation due to the inability of their parents to be mature around one another. What's done is done. You have to decide how you are going to handle this situation.

tl;dr: the animals on /r/aww are adorable and might cheer you up.

EDIT: I expected these downvotes, but let me explain. I think we all can agree that we need to work to change the system, we KNOW the system is broken. It isn't right, but this is the situation he is in. We can talk all about hypotheticals and how things should be, but none of that is going to help him deal with the situation at hand. Even if a law passed tomorrow to change things, it's not going to be ex-post facto.

Hootiniiiii · 2011-11-30T15:16:02+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Syntrel · 2011-11-30T14:32:28+00:00

No offense, but responsibility for avoiding pregnancy goes both ways. It's unfortunate that you cannot trust her, but you still have to accept the risks and consequences of not using protection yourself.

If you do not plan on staying with her, then I advise you to get a good lawyer immediately.

junkeee999 · 2011-11-30T13:50:04+00:00

... and at no point have any say in the matter.

Really? That's what you're going with?

OK admitedly this isn't going to be too 'helpful' at least in the way you're looking for it. But I hear this on r/mensrights ALL THE TIME. 'I had no choice in the matter'. That is wrong. You made a choice when you had sex that there was a chance, however remote that you would be a father. That's how it works.

That chance could materialize in many ways, her lying about birth control, her forgetting, birth control not working - and they all fail sometimes.

But you made a choice. You had control to not allow this, 17 weeks ago. There is no unalienable right to sex without parenthood.

And no I don't propose abstinence either. Lord knows I didn't practice it myself, I had sex far and wide. But I am proposing letting go of the 'poor me' detached attitude about becoming a parent, accept it and take full responsibility for it...assuming she doesn't go the abortion route. That's the risk you signed up for.

OmicronPersei8 · 2011-11-30T19:49:47+00:00

Congratulations Daddy!

A_Tattooed_Biker · 2011-11-30T21:11:09+00:00

Getting hate for this but, you could always push her down the stairs or punch her in the stomach!

I'm kidding. This really sucks, dude. I'm sorry.

frostystorm · 2011-11-30T16:29:38+00:00

Falcon Punch

2011-11-30T16:38:10+00:00

Take her to an Occupy movement and get one of the cops to taser/spray/punch her so that she miscarries. Harsh, yes, but perhaps the only reasonable response without lawyering up.

2011-11-30T16:29:17+00:00

Well I know that this isn't what you want to hear, but you may need to just put all of those issues aside for the sake of the baby. is that fair, no. But its also really unfair to be any less of a father because the baby wasn't planned by you. If thats not the route you want to go, you have every right. You can sue her, you can try not to pay support, you can stay with her and resent her, etc. But sadly, because of her actions, there is soon to be another life in the mix, and as a father you should do whats best for that child. You need to learn to forgive. More importantly she needs to be sorry. You should seek out good couples counselors instead of good lawyers.

mastr_ch33f · 2011-11-30T16:19:26+00:00

Lesson folks... Dont have sex unless you are willing to have a baby. At the very least you should have taken matters into your own hands and had a condom on.

Not saying what she did was right but you were as much to blame here as she was. Even if she were taking the pill every day there are numerous ways that it can fail (outside of human error of missing a pill here and there). You had your say buddy..... and you passed the buck to her.

Manatee7474 · 2011-11-30T14:24:42+00:00

"I get it I support a woman's right to choose..."

"I do support a woman's autonomy over her body"

"It just feels so fucking unjust"

Such is the awesome power of social conditioning! Even now, faced with the stark and dire reality of forced fatherhood he STILL feels so committed to the notion of a 'woman's right to choose' that he must mention it twice. TWICE!

A learned reflexive emotional response or foolishness, who knows?

Please don't misunderstand me, I think it's a truly awful and distressing situation Token78 finds himself in and I hope the future turns out well for EVERYONE'S sake. But why any rational being would sincerely believe "It's a woman's right to choose" (Without caveat or condition) when it comes to reproductive rights - I just find it unbelievable, how could anyone come to that conclusion? It's depressing.

A woman's right! Wait a minute, is this the same gender that would spend $1000+ on a handbag, pay for aromatherapy sessions and dress their pets in clothes?

Nope, I don't get it.

chrispdx · 2011-11-30T23:17:07+00:00

You are already screwed, my friend. That's why I always advocate to own your own birth control. ALWAYS. NO EXCEPTIONS.

Roddy0608 · 2011-11-30T23:49:35+00:00

Sorry but you should never have trusted her. Next you just need to decide if you want to be a part of this child's life.

2011-12-01T02:09:00+00:00

I have a question. Did she stop taking the pills deceptively, or was there a legitimate reason she stopped and just did not bother to tell you because she, like other naive people having sex, sometimes just think "it won't happen to me" and they get lazy.

And I ask because you're going through a lot, and I know you came here for resources but I don't want your mind to be poisoned by the jaded bunch that assume all women are scheming to use you as a bank for life and deny you seeing your child. Not everyone is a horrible human being. You seem to have an okay relationship up until this point, don't let other people influence you.

What would be the best scenario in my opinion? If you could continue the relationship and deal with things between the two of you. And it's completely possible, so don't ever think this is now definitely destroyed forever.

Title	So my gf stopped taking the pill 4-6 months ago, without telling me, and last week found out that she's 17 weeks pregnant.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	503
Comments	466
Date	November 30, 2011 12:18 PM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/munet/so_my_gf_stopped_taking_the_pill_46_months_ago/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/so-my-gf-stopped-taking-the-pill-4-6-months-ago.1031151 https://theredarchive.com/post/1031151

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