Expecting a partner to at least be in a similar economic position as you is entirely reasonable

Zabadoodude · 2025-03-18T00:18:35+00:00

It's perfectly reasonable to have any standard you want. Whether it's reasonable to expect these standards to be met is another matter. If someone is a high income earner it will be more difficult for them to find someone in a similar economic position, just because there aren't many wealthy people around and most of them are ok dating someone that has less money.

It doesn't really matter if a standard is reasonable. You can either find someone that meets it or you can't, which is going to matter a lot more than if people online approve of your criteria.

AcephalicDude · 2025-03-17T22:37:27+00:00

I'm pretty sure that studies have indicated that people do tend to seek economic parity in their relationships - especially for high-earning professionals, they tend to seek out and form relationships with other high-earning professionals.

Personally, I don't care if my partner makes more or less than I do, I only care if they are as stable and self-sufficient as I am.

shadowrangerfs · 2025-03-18T09:52:01+00:00

Wanting you equal is NOT hypergamy. Hypergamy is wanting someone HIGHER than you on the socioeconomic ladder.

There is nothing wrong with wanting someone who has an equal income to yours.

However, I will point out that the higher you are on the income ladder, there fewer people there are who are your equal. So, if you're making really big money, at least consider dating someone a little bit below you.

-Kalos · 2025-03-18T09:05:29+00:00

Most people already do marry in their socioeconomic class.

TheRedPillRipper · 2025-03-17T22:34:43+00:00

work ethic and potential goals matches

More important than economic position is mentality. This is anecdotal but one of the key factors for me choosing my partner wasn’t that we had similar assets. We shared mindsets. In that we were both open to growth. To change. This was far more pivotal, than how many properties she owned. As one can lose it all.

Additionally once one is financially secure, marriage isn’t too expensive. Even divorce isn’t too bad(with the right lawyer). This is the key economic factor. If one marries a bum, has a child and that marriage lasts a few years? It doesn’t cost much to get out and start again. Two out of three of my best friends and I are remarried. One married a vet. The other a beautician. Both, in significantly different tax brackets.

Ultimately, one’s economic position empowers options. The better the position? The better the options.

Accomplished_Bass640 · 2025-03-18T02:15:23+00:00

My two cents is that career/money success or at least, stability, is a reflection of someone’s character. Some people are just lazy or they are narcissists and can’t hold a job due to interpersonal conflict and the inability to take responsibility for their actions. I want a partner w a kind personality who works hard. They could be a teacher or a town administrator or whatever job that makes a pittance (and shouldn’t btw, society priorities are messed up). As long as they show up, contribute, that’s what matters. Someone who doesn’t show up for themselves in a career to make money to support themselves, will simply not show up for you in the relationship. You’ll be swimming upstream dragging them along. They will dump their problems on you, and watch you drown under the weight.

I don’t see this as gendered and I think men would be smart to watch out for the same tendencies in woman. This is the woman who will be a SAHM, but you’ll never come home to a clean house or warm meal or clean laundry. And she’ll complain about how much she does and you’ll be paying for a maid and a nanny soon enough so she can do whatever it is she wants to do. You see men complaining about this on Reddit all the time.

Btw, I think we’re all humans and deserve dignity. Some people don’t have the capacity to maintain a career due to illness disability etc. That’s different and people can absolutely contribute in non financial ways and be a true partner if that’s the case.

No-Rough-7390 · 2025-03-17T22:12:10+00:00

I’d say this is an arena where the binary extremes overtake the common sense narrative.

Sure, women leave men when they begin to earn more than them/achieve higher status in relationships, but stuff like this doesn’t just fall out of the sky. Also, family/divorce law is so adversarial to men that wifing up a nobody just isn’t a smart move.

If men are serious about marriage and commitment, I think they have one of two options:

A) make the decision to be the majority breadwinner (as in your wife will still work but you have more earning power and potential than her in aggregate) and take on that responsibility for the family. Just make sure she’s not a careerist.

Or

B) make what you can in a decent salary range but bring other elements to the relationship (be fit, attractive, dick her down the best she’s ever been, etc.)

People forget there are two sides to hypergamy. Ideally, a guy would be both but it’s hard for a lot of men to achieve.

Tylikcat · 2025-03-17T22:23:35+00:00

Men who aren't looking for someone in a similar position are far more likely to be aiming for a bangmaid... and frankly, there is a pretty limited supply of women who will put up with that for the long term.

ArkAngelEV · 2025-03-17T22:37:29+00:00

On the surface that may sound reasonable, but it runs to a real problem, one that is becoming more and more apparent, and will continue to increase in severity…

The great majority of women date and fuck sideways and up on the socioeconomic strata, and are reluctant to get entangled with men down, AND at all levels women find most men to be unattractive/are not inspired to accept most men as potential partners/lovers; there are fewer and fewer men that meet most women’s baseline threshold for romantic/sexual play.

Because of this reality, a women expecting a partner of at least similar economic position means a man is sacrificing a whole lot more for the deal of being in a monogamous exclusive relationship with that said women than thr cost is the other way around.

Maybe said more simply, a guy that meets your reasonable level can 99% do better than you.

Junior_Ad_3086 · 2025-03-18T12:09:04+00:00

i mean sure, it's reasonable in a vacuum. or even in general, if the alternative of being single is something you don't mind. it's also very reasonable to not care much about finances if other things are more important to you though. the reality is that dating within your socio-economic class will reduce the amount of options you have (greatly in some cases). most people won't get the 'perfect' partner in every single way since most people are not exceptional individuals to begin with. and hypergamy is also about dating up more so than across.

i remember a thread on awo30 about high earning women and their dating woes and several women there replied that their male counterparts seem to prefer dating women a decade younger than them, with lots of upvotes on those comments too. it seems that women are much more open to hearing that reality when it comes from the lived experiences of other women. and that's where the crux of the issue lies - men and women are generally not looking for the same things in partners or at least not with the same priorities (obviously there is some overlap). so while it might make sense or seem 'fair' to have that expectation, it might not really work out well in practice for single women in the upper income brackets and age ranges for example.

sure, the average person marries within their socio-economic class with a 2.5 year age gap or so, however the average women also marries an average man at the age of 29 and a lot of it has to do with proximity too.

SquirmingAddict · 2025-03-17T23:03:16+00:00

No man I've ever been in a relationship with has EVER given a shit about how much money I made.

So long as I'm not dying.

How much I made has never even come up in conversation. Or even been hinted towards.

Real-Matter4946 · 2025-03-17T23:43:58+00:00

If I had this mindset, I'd have to find a woman that makes $115K a year. Yeah, good luck with that. And if I did, the chances are very likely she'd be a corporate queen bee with an argumentative boss bitch attitude. You see, men are generally OK with looking down to date. Women generally look up. But even then, a genuinely good, successful, wealthy man doesn't have value if he doesn't have looks to start with. It's an evil unfair world with an ever-growing population of single unhappy people.

Advanced-Ad8490 · 2025-03-17T23:12:42+00:00

The idea of insisting on a power couple dynamic neglects that at least one parent has to stay home and take care of the kids. If the woman is the breadwinner she should be looking for a man who's great with kids and household chores (and is sexy). Being a stay at home parent shouldn't be reserved for women by societally norms. Just like being homeless should not be reserved for men.

It's about changing norms and expectations to be more fair to both men and women. Especially since women these days are becoming a dominant force. Some women are high achievers and truly deserve their wealth and should also deserve a family legacy. Some women unfortunately become old "left over women" which is laughable when they are high-achievers wealthy and powerful. The envy of under achieving men.

ArtifactFan65 · 2025-03-18T00:00:38+00:00

Hypergamy is supported by women wanting to date men who earn more than them not an equal amount.

No_Sale_4564 · 2025-03-18T02:21:28+00:00

First mistake is pretending that hard-work (and not luck, connections and the circumstances of your upbringing..) is the main determining factor in success/"economic background"...not the case.

Secondly, a big part of what motivates many men to pursue status/material wealth/lifestyle in the first place is attracting women, yet another reason why more women going for that cash/girl-bossing upsets the dating/marriage balance...Men as a general rule do not consider women's status as a (primary) factor in attraction...

Chappelle has a bit about how if men could get laid in cardboard boxes we'd have never built housing/society which is an obvious exaggeration/hyperbole, but the premise is valid.

Men are much more likely than women to have little or even no interest in status or lavish lifestyles, it takes very little to keep most men mostly content...Not so for most women...(For a multitude of reasons..)

We would be much better off trying to scale back/temper women's Disney-Princess/social media warped expectations than pushing more men to try to impress them by chasing bling harder.

We need to massively scale down consumption/global consumerism.

AbysmalDescent · 2025-03-18T02:25:43+00:00

It's really not. Every person enters a relationship with their own finances and should only really be looking at what they are bringing into the relationship, not what their partner is bringing in. That expectation just shouldn't exist, because it simply isn't their responsibility to provide you with any kind of lifestyle you desire. If you are in a relationship and you want more money, and a better life, then that is your desire and your ambition. It's not something you should be pushing onto a partner or resenting them for. Your focus in a relationship should be in who they are, how you support each other emotionally and how you care for each other, not how much money they make.

OKSector69 · 2025-03-18T01:15:18+00:00

This is only referring to the beginning of a relationship, as one grows and changes so do circumstances and even choice. One partner might get a promotion, another might quit to be a stay at home parent.

Ah, there it is. Why should men care about this if you're just planning on quitting your job the minute you have a kid?

Separate-Sector2696 · 2025-03-18T01:45:50+00:00

Nobody is giving women flack for wanting a man of similar economic status, wtf? That's not hypergamy and never was. What IS hypergamy is wanting a man of vastly superior social/economic status, and what women do get flack for is acting ENTITLED to such a man.

Nobody is criticizing a woman for saying "I'd prefer a man who makes 6 figures just like me". She gets criticized for saying "if you don't make 6 figures and pay all my bills, you're a little broke boy and not a real man".

babazuki · 2025-03-17T22:50:30+00:00

That's shallow. Shallowness.

Would you do this other people in your life? You get a promotion and now you're gonna look for a different friend that's on your level?

You can try to rationalize it. Seems like it makes sense economically. It's just shitty thinking you're too good to be with someone poorer than you.

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weenieandthebutt · 2025-03-18T00:52:41+00:00

Would it be nice for a woman to earn good money and be self-sufficient? yes. Is it something I look for primarily in a partner? Nope. Would I want a career orientated woman with the "boss bitch" attitude and puts our relationship on the backburner? Fuck no.

No-Past7721 · 2025-03-18T02:13:45+00:00

Yes it's not unreasonable for an individual to see that as desirable and auspicious thing for them and not seek to explore options that do not offer that. You're doing nothing wrong if that is how you mate seek.

But it's still just a way and there is no the way.

Puzzleheaded_ghost · 2025-03-18T02:41:33+00:00

Conversation can get pretty thin if the person you're talking to doesn't understand you. Metacognition is so rare and yet so beautiful. Economic restriction can be a behavioral filter. It doesn't mean they are going to be nice to you. Evil geniuses are sometimes female. I appreciate that. If you are cocky because you are successful, then you are not like me, and good luck to you.

ExcelsiorState718 · 2025-03-18T04:23:00+00:00

Women really don't respect men they out earn they might even be embarrassed by it.

Trancetastic16 · 2025-03-18T04:35:26+00:00

Of course, the issues are more along the lines of:

Irregardless of income, people who want the other person to spend more money on them than vice-versa - it’s an irresponsible double-standard. I also think it’s assumed too often how much of a person’s income they are open to spending on dates and the relationship when a lower income person can sometimes be less stingy than someone higher income but overly-frugal.
The outdated gender role of men not being accepted as a viable house-partner by the majority of people.
Increasing inflation, work and commute hours, qualification requirements for fields, put men at a disadvantage in dating by having to earn equal or more than most women they date - especially since men are more likely to work lower income jobs and/or not attend University.

While the statistics show most people date within their social group, in the end the statistics are suggesting this system isn’t sustainable and we’re reaching a breaking point where healthy education, economic and cultural changes may be a necessity.

No_Airport2112 · 2025-03-18T05:34:37+00:00

I guess this is what separates the few dying romantics from everyone else. One, I'm not sure why you equated work ethic with class. Maybe I just never realized it until now, but maybe everyone in this sub sees people in lower economic classes as less driven and lazier?

Two, there's not much I disagree with other than it seems like such a weird metric. If you're looking for someone you bond with, someone you can make life exciting with, someone you can love enough to die for, idk why economic status would be high on my list.

But again, if that's too corny then I see why this post makes more sense with people who want a more transactional kind of relationship

warren177 · 2025-03-18T05:56:45+00:00

https://chng.it/fmKLjkRTJD

No-Ground604 · 2025-03-18T12:59:23+00:00

to i agree w the title statement and think its generally uncontroversial, but the second paragraph makes no sense to me at all. wanting someone similar to you definitionally is not hypergamy and ESPECIALLY not gold digging.

like this entire point would be a non sequitur if the goal is to argue against statements abt hypergamy or gold digging bc those terms literally have nothing to do w what MOST ppl do (commonly marry someone equal to them and more similar than different), those terms are used for wanting someone definitionally of a higher status than you- often to an unreasonable degree in the case of gold digging.

extreme example would be 1. a couple where the man makes 55k and the woman makes 45k- they are in the same range and the difference is more than reasonable for factors as simple as different career interests between the genders vs 2. a woman who only makes 20k wanting the man making 56k. there could still be a lot of reasonable factors for that disparity is not that common if both are around the same stage in life (working, unmarried, no kids) bc those ppl for the most part don’t even occupy the same spaces like schools or workplaces. most ppl wouldn’t have an opinion on the 1st one cause most ppl live that and it’s something you can intuitively make sense of. that has nothing to do with conversations evaluating the 2nd example were you could reasonably assume money is the driving factor behind interest, which is where assumptions of hypergamy and gold digging would come into play.

so yeah i don’t think your argument actually even address what it seems like you’re in contention with. i have never heard anyone use the term hypergamy irl, but in any conversation related to the concept i think there’s always some at least implicit understanding that whatever criticisable behaviour exists on the woman’s part only exists because it is necessarily out of the norm, and/or unreasonable or “delusional” as some men put it

Automatic_One_1519 · 2025-03-18T14:43:47+00:00

I’m a woman. I only care that the man can chip in on the bills and is otherwise self sufficient. I made a third more than my husband and it’s never been an issue.

musicissoulfood · 2025-03-18T16:33:54+00:00

Expecting a partner to at least be in a similar economic position as you is entirely reasonable.

Yes it is, but that doesn't change the fact that the hypergamy you are trying to downplay here is something else all together.

Women don't want partners that are in a "similar" economic positions, they want partners that are in better economic positions. As is evident from the facts that the more money a man makes, the easier it becomes for him to date.

aleknovy · 2025-03-18T18:15:01+00:00

I think what's unreasonable is the combination of criteria. No criterion alone is seen as unreasonable by anyone.

It's like a girl who posted that she doesn't understand why all of her friends tell her she's unreasonable. Her side of the story sounded very reasonable... Until I grilled her for details...

She wanted an educated, ambitious and successful guy (her match, reasonable) who simultaneously had the sociosexual skills of an fboy who invested his time in partying.

Pick one. The combination is unreasonable. Like there's only 24 hours in a day. You can't be good at everything.

ExcitementLow4699 · 2025-03-18T18:32:44+00:00

Most of the time when women have children, their careers suffer. Pregnancy/delivery/recovery/postpartum are hard and take away from one's ability to work, and often times the one who picks up the kids when there's an emergency at school or a child is sick and can't go to school/childcare, it's the mother who leaves work early or calls out to take care of them. When women have children, they expect to lose income; therefore it is reasonable for them to compensate by selecting a higher earning partner in order to prevent a decrease in their afforded QOL and ability to provide for their children.

There are a great many men who would prefer to work outside the home and have a wife who earns less (or stays at home) and does more of the housework and childcare. They also prefer to reproduce with younger women rather than with older ones. Women who spend a large portion of their lives working their way up to making the income level they desire in a partner are less likely to stay home or to sacrifice their careers to be primary caretakers. This is why many men tend to prioritize factors other than women's income when it comes to selecting a partner.

These factors, usually in combination with social conditioning that makes men tie their egos and identities to their careers more so than women, are what lead to men choosing women that make less than them for partners in instances where there is a considerable income gap. These are the reasons for the slanted ratios.

AsturaeConiecto · 2025-03-18T07:11:53+00:00

Keywords "at least". And that's called Hypergamy. And hypergamy is generally what sets young men to have such a hard time dating.

Feminists promised that women weren't shallow and that they'd be "just like men" if men stepped down from careers and allowed women to exist professionally. Now young women are more college educated and earn more money than young men and they're still saying "at least" instead of "I'll provide for my man if necessary".

Gender roles are a whole package and women insist on taking only the benefits.

That is nowhere reasonable.

Having a similar economic background at the bare minimum means your work ethic

Work Ethic? Economic background? Like your parents' wealth? This is all unrelated nonsense.

AwareManner76 · 2025-03-17T22:36:14+00:00

Well, for me the thing regarding this topic, is that if feminists with a good economic position really wanted to empower themselves and be coherent with their views, they would be open to provide for a good, kind, attractive man who could be a great, working, loving stay at home dad. Why is this not the case in the vast majority of cases? Probably because they cannot supress their instincts/social conditioning, depending of your POV.

bison5595 · 2025-03-18T00:19:23+00:00

I never understood why men care about women wanting a financial equal. It's not like women making alot of money means they are better partners. There's plenty of quality women who dont make a lot of money who would make great girlfriends/wives

Characteristic	Her	Me
Education	4-year STEM/business degree	2 BSs (business/finance) + 1 MBA
Career	Career woman	Established in my career
Finances	Financially stable	Financially stable
Debt	Manageable debt (no consumer debt)	Debt free
Kids	none	none
Lurking ex's	none	none
Looks	easy on the eye	easy on the eye
Aesthetics	fit (not fat)	visible abs
Hair color	don't care	dark
Race	don't care	white
Religion	don't care, as long as they are not zealots	Atheist/Buddhist
Political affiliations	don't care, as long as they are not zealots	Libertarian
Height	don't care	tall

Title	Expecting a partner to at least be in a similar economic position as you is entirely reasonable
Author	KayRay1994
Upvotes	60
Comments	281
Date	March 17, 2025 10:03 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1jdp6o9/expecting_a_partner_to_at_least_be_in_a_similar/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/expecting-a-partner-to-at-least-be-in-a-similar.1546873 https://theredarchive.com/post/1546873

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