Many women use sex as a reward in dating and relationships.

wtknight · 2026-02-19T00:37:10+00:00

Post removed and locked due to OP being temporarily banned for incivility.

wtknight · 2026-02-18T13:23:43+00:00

I don’t think that most women are consciously consciously using sex as a reward. They are just sexually attracted to men who please them in some way. This isn’t something nefarious but rather just how women’s attraction works. A man who knows how to behave towards a woman will likely not be a threat to the lives of her future offspring, so it makes sense that, while women often don’t prefer boring men, they also prefer a man who knows how to behave.

Men’s sexuality is different because they could historically impregnate women without having ties to those women’s offspring. They don’t need a woman to “behave well” in order to be sexually attracted to her. It’s therefore basically male solipsism to see sex as some kind of “reward system” from women and not understand why good behavior from a man is essential for well-adjusted women.

Yes, hybristophiles exist, but the belief that these women have is that they have the power to “reform” these men. They aren’t attracted to the bad behavior itself. The plot of so many romance novels and films confirms this.

Conscious-Truth-7685 · 2026-02-18T05:11:55+00:00

It's these sorts of posts that go to show why, from a man's perspective, men are failing to maintain or establish relationships. On one hand you have men in relationships that think sex is used to manipulate them and on the other hand, single men reading this and just mindlessly agreeing with it because some dude on the internet said it. As a man that has been married twice and been in dozens of relationships of all kinds, generally, this is bullshit.

Do couples have more sex when they are actively participating in the relationship? Absolutely. You aren't being rewarded sex because you fixed the toilet or mowed the lawn or busted your ass at work anymore than you are rewarding your SO for taking care of the kids or grocery shopping or herself busting ass at work. When relationships are functioning as they should, when stress is kept to a minimum, when both partners are putting in effort, sex is going to happen more often. This is paired with consistent communication, affection and being available to your partner which makes intimacy feel easy and natural.

Inevitably what happens is communication begins to break down, affection lessens, effort dwindles, stress builds and things just feel hard. Then the resentment builds, the disconnection happens, distancing occurs and things fall into a complacent pattern. Yet, the feelings and memories of what things used to be like are still there and it's hard for men especially to understand why sex isn't just as available as it once was. And this vicious cycle of blame, resentment and contempt plays out.

At this point is sex thrown out as a "reward" to get something, ANYTHING accomplished? Sure. And the infrequency of even that feels awful and meaningless but because it's something, that pattern becomes prevalent. Is it right? No, but it's at this point that one or both partners have essentially given up on ever being able to reconcile. The love is essentially gone, it rarely magically comes back, cheating happens, ultimately the relationship dies and does or should be ended.

Obviously some women use sex to get what they want. Lots of people use the leverage they have over someone else to get what they want from them. This is not and should not be the dynamic in a typical relationship. If it is you have to recognize that it isn't healthy and get out asap. The issue is not understanding that a lack of intimacy is a breakdown in the relationship. Framing it as one person just decided to refrain from sex for no reason at all shows an incredible lack of accountability and insight into the person you supposedly care so much about. Show me a dead bedroom and I'll show you a relationship that is fractured and on the brink of collapse.

icypiee · 2026-02-18T06:42:35+00:00

Every relationship is transactional in one way or another. Meaning there is an exchange. Why would men be with a woman that didn’t give them sex, feelings, comfort, happiness, etc? Likewise why would a woman be with you if you are not also giving something back to her?

If you don’t like the deal, walk away. No one is forcing you to take a deal you don’t want.

Blacktransjanny · 2026-02-18T04:33:32+00:00

Why do you think so many men are angry that they've essentially been tricked into a dead bedroom? Once the ink on the contract dries a not insignificant portion of women close up shop.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2026-02-18T15:13:02+00:00

Dudes willing to bend over backwards to get laid aren’t going to be convinced to stop cause they still get laid.

Especially from dudes not getting any.

Just a fyi

Axis_Control · 2026-02-18T07:49:49+00:00

If I used sex as a reward I'd have way more stuff 🤣

Ok-Ninja-8165 · 2026-02-18T05:50:31+00:00

But men that are controlled by their sexual desires are very much useless. Men that worth anything can't be controlled like that.

Jephta · 2026-02-18T05:59:13+00:00

men who haven't managed to stop being controlled by their sexual desire are very easy to manipulate from the perspective of women.

I don't think most women even begin to understand how powerful a motivator the male sex drive is. They tend to equate it to their own sex drives, and you often hear women saying that they see an attractive stranger that catches their attention randomly maybe once a month or they'll have an intrusive sexual thought maybe once per week. They just don't have the same human experience we do. When they think about men who make things sexual quickly in dating or send dick pics, etc then they tend to think of those men as weird anomalous creeps rather than the actual truth which is that all men would behave like that if they could (look at how quick sex happens in gay dating once women are removed from the equation) but straight men are actively suppressing those urges because we've been socialized or learned from experience to give her the sort of "treat her like a person first" experience that fits with her mental model of how she wants courtship to happen.

The only people who realize how powerful male sex drive really is and therefore how it can be used to control a man are men themselves. That's why there's such a weirdly large subculture among men about trying to defeat or overcome their own natural sex drives. You literally never see that out of women. Women aren't scared of their own sex drives. Because women know that their own sex drives aren't powerful enough that they can be used to control them unconditionally.

The solution to this problem is just to allow women to make the false assumption they're bound to make - that male sex drive is like female sex drive. Tell her that you need to feel emotionally connected to someone first in order to want to have sex with her. Tell her that you need to feel emotionally safe with her before sex even crosses your mind. Tell her that sex is something that you need to be convinced into. It is all complete bullshit, of course, but women will believe it because that's how it works for them. Then the fact that they can control you won't even cross their mind. They won't even realize they have the leverage to.

However, from your perspective, it might still feel like you're being controlled or manipulated. That's just something you have to overcome.

mus_b_nuthn · 2026-02-18T04:38:28+00:00

Women only have as much power over men as men allow

ComposerLast7741 · 2026-02-18T07:44:43+00:00

Many men also rewards their partners with sex. Not every man marries their type which they love to have sex with or has a high libido. Sometimes they just marry because there's other characters she has to be a good wife and mother. In those cases it is the men who reward the wife with sex

middleoftheroad133 · 2026-02-18T13:13:05+00:00

I’ve never really understood what it means to “use sex as a reward in a relationship”

Can someone explain it

It sounds like men think women are horny all the time and intentionally don’t have sex they otherwise want to have in order to make a point

What does happen is women often have a lot of prerequisites to feel horny (aka if the couple is fighting, not aligning, there’s stress, she isn’t being treated well/ is unhappy about something, a million other factors, women don’t want to have sex as well

I don’t see how any of this is manipulation or using sex as a reward. Sometimes someone just doesn’t want to have sex

FromAnxiousToCalm · 2026-02-18T14:10:00+00:00

man i used to think like this when i was stuck in my anxious attachment cycles and felt like everything was a transaction. usually when sex feels like a "reward" its because there’s zero emotional safety or one person is withdrawing to protect themselves. dont you think that looking at a relationship as a power struggle just guarantees that neither person actually gets their needs met?

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Educational-War-9418 · 2026-02-18T17:37:19+00:00

Yeah, you know, it's not always as nefarious.

At least about 15-20 years ago, when I grew up, society was very much focused on sex.

There was a lot of pressure to have sex, as it was supposedly the be all, end all.

And if you really loved your boyfriend, you "gave" him sex.

So, who's manipulated in this scenario? Believe me when I say that this mindset of "you ought to have sex!" is very harmful. It would be a lot better if people weren't pushed into having/providing sex they don't intrinsically want. Unwanted consensual sex (so that you don't hurt your partner by neglecting them) is really harmful.

I never sought to have power over men by wanting sex far less than them. But it is what it is. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I can only live by and preach "Don't have sex that you don't really desire. You aren't doing anyone a favor."

Ronniebbb · 2026-02-18T05:11:43+00:00

Interesting, I just have sex with my hubby cus I like having sex with him. Never knew ppl used it as a reward system

bondepart · 2026-02-18T07:56:22+00:00

Well, maybe men should think about what they’re looking for in a relationship before agreeing to one. If you can’t fathom enjoying your time with someone without sex, then you probably don’t have good reasons for getting int a relationship with them.

AlmondMilkMaybe · 2026-02-18T08:16:11+00:00

I find this extremely weird and have never known a woman who does, or at least admits to, doing anything resembling this.

Also, the book you quoted was written in the 70s, so I wonder if it's some boomer "trick" back when marriage was way more survival-based, and divorce was basically a non-option. Because yeah...in the modern era, what?

Most women I know either stop wanting sex because they start seeing their partner as a man-child or just leave. But they're not purposefully dangling coochie in exchange for anything, because I don't even think that would work. Imagine having sex to get some dumbass to take out the trash... What???

Having to do that is the height of degradation, and I would literally rather sell it for money than be in that kind of relationship.... but since it isn't the early 70s, I also don't need a man to survive financially, so there's that.

Has this genuinely happened to you OP? And if so, how did you know this was what was happening? I'm genuinely curious.

Theawkwardmochi · 2026-02-18T12:30:32+00:00

Ok so Esther said a pile of bs, good job Esther.

If we made a thread on reddit for every instance of people saying dumb shit, writing dumb books or having dumb ideas, the servers would overheat in minutes.

Yes manipulative women absolutely exist. Whether you're a woman or a man, there's a chance that some people you meet aren't good people at all. You are better off keeping your standards reasonable and staying away from those people. You should never ever use sex, money, attention and similar as a reward and penalty system in a relationship - in fact, no healthy relationship is based on a reward and penalty system. If yours is, get out now. Women who use sex as a manipulation tactic are evil.

The rest of us just fucks our men because we're horny for them, so Esther can touch grass.

Reasonable_Mouse789 · 2026-02-18T05:14:21+00:00

Sex is how they get what they want from men, and men who haven't managed to stop being controlled by their sexual desire are very easy to manipulate from the perspective of women

1) If a woman who wants to kiss me starts gazing at me even though I didn’t try to get her attention on purpose, then is she “manipulating” me? Does she even know she’s looking at me like that? (This is vague, because even virgins gaze at guys they like. I’m pretty sure women have their “I’m attracted to you” body language built in by accident)

2) I know she’d probably reject it if I suggested a kiss immediately, but it would work out for me if I hang out with her for a few hours or go on a date. Am I being “manipulative” by not being up front with wanting to kiss her, especially with how obviously socially awkward it would be to ask a near stranger immediately? (Almost everyone knows you’re supposed to talk to a woman for a bit before making out lol)

3) After a few hours, I initiate a kiss, and of course she happily consents without asking too many questions or implying she’s looking for a relationship. Did I “manipulate” anything by initiating, or am I supposed to only let women initiate?

4) Fast forward and we get into a relationship anyway. I am always improving myself or taking responsibility without her asking me to, and she acts aroused when I take “initiative” in my life. Is she “manipulating” me with sex as a reward, or is she simply attracted to competent men?

Tl;dr: How much of a woman’s attraction is voluntary? Can they actually leverage it, or do they have no choice for what they’re aroused by? Is it a coincidence that women almost always tend to prefer attractive, competent men over unattractive slobs?

Due_Appointment_1188 · 2026-02-18T10:17:55+00:00

ah, again generalizing dating are we?

It's never been used as a reward in my relationship. The only frame it had was her being frustrated that we don't do it enough.

when will you learn it's never "men" or "women", it's people, it's individuals, and these situations can only be quantified on a case by case basis not society wide.

JudgmentPuzzleheaded · 2026-02-18T07:27:42+00:00

A way to overcome this is actually to pursue sex with a variety of women and have a 'player' phase, and develop the confidence and skills to do so.

Since then, it is night and day with how I interact with attractive women. It's easier to just act 'normally' and treat them like normal people because you are internally 'sated' and don't feel needy.

You don't do them any more favours than you would with male friends, and don't act overly any particular way or feel any need to qualify yourself or show off.

No outcome in particular needs to come from any interaction , which makes your behaviour much more attractive anyway.

wayna00 · 2026-02-18T12:25:49+00:00

yall b saying anything

Outside_Memory5703 · 2026-02-18T16:31:03+00:00

Men think of it as a reward, which is why nice guys and the red pill exist in the first place

Consistent-News7557 · 2026-02-18T09:44:22+00:00

Use sex as a reward for what? Could you give any concrete examples?

Realistic-Ad-1023 · 2026-02-18T15:24:30+00:00

It is a wild self own to claim women don’t enjoy sex…

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Harkmunt40 · 2026-02-18T14:40:09+00:00

Any man that says it’s not rewarding knowing that you did what you thought you needed to do to have sex with the woman you wanted to have sex with it and accomplished that goal is lying. It’s not even about being a simp or even if she was manipulating you the whole time and you unknowingly went along it which I doubt is ever really the case if she was willing to have sex with you just to get it. Sex isn’t a reward most women are willing to offer just to get whatever it is they want. There are real simps out there that do whatever they think a woman wants to have sex and never get it. If you actually get sex in the end is it really a reward from the woman or did you reward the woman with whatever she wanted from you under the assumption of you did it willingly

-hypnose · 2026-02-18T16:20:12+00:00

Except when the sex is good. Then it's used as a personal reward/treat

Ok_Beautiful793 · 2026-02-18T18:24:28+00:00

Wait so are you saying some women do this or all women do this? The person you are quoting seems to think all women do this. I disagree on that because that’s nuts.

I think a woman using sex as a reward in a relationship with a man is pathetic and sad and I think that a man in your scenario participating in such behavior is also pathetic.

BestPlant6968 · 2026-02-19T00:09:03+00:00

Women want to have sex with men that they like, enjoy, feel safe with, and feel valued by. Women don’t want to have sex with men that don’t evoke those feelings.

Liking = sexy time

Wanting to smother in his sleep = no sexy time.

That’s not rewards, that’s life.

oreosnatcher · 2026-02-18T04:55:12+00:00

This is known and proven in studies many times.

ConstipatedAvocado · 2026-02-18T12:19:18+00:00

TBH I dont think its about men having poor control of their sexual desire, its about men not actually commanding much sexual desire in the first place.

The problem is, the vast majority of men I see when I leave the house are unkempt, unattractive, out of shape, hell some of them smell bad too. And yet, over the age of 30, 80%+ of men are in relationships of some form. This means those same men are getting chosen, someone is sucking their smegma filled dick. A lot of women know this too, many have a poor understanding of their bodies and a fear of their own sexual arousal, couple that with with lower testosterone levels (and libido) and you have a lot of women who will happily abstain from significant sexual contact despite being in a relationship.

As someone who has pretty fortunate genetics, I do sometimes notice the visible discomfort from women when I see them with certain men...but at the same time I kinda dont because I also assume a lot of these women know their man is "punching" and feel the lopsided dynamic is somehow beneficial. Interestingly though, I think this dynamic is becoming less and less common as women's greater financial freedom gives them more choice and honesty in their dating options. You see less women simply "settling" in order to avoid being single, however, I also notice you see less men rushing to marry just because the woman has regular sex with him.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2026-02-18T15:40:05+00:00

If a man allows himself to be manipulated because of his sexual urges that's on him. For 1. Choosing to be with someone who would do that and 2. Not having better self control.

alchemicore · 2026-02-18T11:57:54+00:00

Just stop obsessing over and caring about sex. It doesn't matter.

S0nG0ku88 · 2026-02-18T05:50:30+00:00

Unfortunately yes, it's cultural & biologically reinforced. Women don't like to hear it but they are the ones who often treat sex transactionally.

Sex and the ethics/morality attached to it is subjective to the female rationalization. It's not that women are gold diggers but I have seen women treat sex opportunistically in the sense that are totally fine being their sluttiest self provided they are achieving the goal they wanted in advancing a relationship, receiving attention, or pure financial compensation (OF, stripping, porn) that feels somehow worth it to them versus out of pure love or care for their partners well being.

What I mean is women have no problem being sexy casually when it serves them or their interests early in life, having an exploratory or slutty phass but when it's time to settle and make effort with one man these same women who have problems pair bonding will make a man work 10x as hard for 1/10th of lob sided effort when she was okay freely making this effort at earlier periods in her life with people she cared less about.

No-Appointment-8270 · 2026-02-18T10:03:31+00:00

Yeah when you're not in the top 10-20% of men.. It's totally true we're Pavlov'ed by women which is why we have to do the same, don't reward coldness or rude behavior, something a lot of guys don't understand

Past-Shoulder-631 · 2026-02-18T10:39:33+00:00

I mean what else are they gonna reward us with? Money from their hard-earned careers? Lmao!! 🤣

Past-Shoulder-631 · 2026-02-18T10:40:24+00:00

Sex is literally the only thing of value they have to offer us. Anything else we would rather get from other men

Radiant_Specific6542 · 2026-02-18T15:32:55+00:00

Couldn't be me. I told my wife looooooong before we were anything close to being serious that no sex = no relationship. Doesn’t matter if we're 1 day in or 100 years in.

Title	Many women use sex as a reward in dating and relationships.
Author	Slow_Celebration1328
Upvotes	73
Comments	274
Date	February 18, 2026 4:31 AM UTC (5 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1r7tcrs/many_women_use_sex_as_a_reward_in_dating_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/many-women-use-sex-as-a-reward-in-dating-and.1573730 https://theredarchive.com/post/1573730

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