It's cruel to deprive your spouse of sex and also expect monogamy from them

growframe · 2026-04-01T07:53:29+00:00

Expect monogamy in what way? No fault divorce exists for a reason, you're free to leave for whatever reason you want to. Sexual exclusivity is an implied term in marriage contracts though, so it's going to be a tough sell to excuse yourself out of that term without excusing yourself of the entire contract.

9guyKguy9 · 2026-04-01T08:41:11+00:00

If you deprive your spouse from sex your relationship is problematic and either needs to fixed or lead to break up

As long as you don't break up with them and they don't break up with you monogamy is expected (at least if that was the relationship at first) and playing the field without breaking up or even disclosing it to your partner is cheating.

I am just a random guy snd this maybe wrong because it's harsh but to me cheating is on the person who cheats you are not forced to stay in a relationship lie and get a side piece

Gravel_Roads · 2026-04-01T07:27:57+00:00

Losing interest in sex is generally about physiological or psychological issues.

If you think your partner should give you sex, and you have no interest in understanding or empathizing with what your partner is going through, and you think their struggle entitles you to cheat on them, you are a bad partner and you may as well break up, because your relationship is already unhealthy.

The truth of the matter is: No one LIKES not being able to enjoy sex. If your only response to finding out they’re struggling is to MAKE THEM FEEL WORSE, they will literally never enjoy sex with you, because you don’t care about them or what they need, only yourself.

Mela_ninja · 2026-04-01T07:24:20+00:00

Dead bedrooms are a complex subject that have different reasons of existing.

One thing I see often is men accepting mediocre relationships that have low desire and then get shocked when it happens to them.

A lot of these situations (not all) wouldn’t happen if men get their partners better and people have a deep level of communication.

There’s also the societal pressure to remain in marriages whether they are happy or not. This could be difficult but those people should respect themselves better by leaving.

Affectionate_Way7132 · 2026-04-01T10:37:49+00:00

In a well functioning relationship both partners should take each other's needs seriously while also giving each other grace and patience. That's all there really is to say about it. If my libido suddenly dropped long-term without clear fix or perspective, I would seek a conversation with my partner about possible alternatives. They may let me know how things affect them, but they have no right to pester me or cheat.

TermAggravating8043 · 2026-04-01T07:26:23+00:00

Looking at the dead bedroom sub it’s 50/50 between the genders.

I think this is something people are worrying about that doesn’t even affect them. Most adults understand life isn’t as simple as “I want regular sex with my partner so that’s what we’ll do” No. Life takes over, jobs, careers, kids, stress, sickness, grief and mental health all affect your relationships and all long term couples will go up n down in their sex life throughout their life.

Most people will report they wish they had sex more, but they also don’t want to put in the effort to get there.

The best advice is to always try to date your spouse, and never take them for granted. Understand there will be times where you are not the priority, but that doesn’t mean your not important.

And no, cheating is a sure way to loose your relationships, and everything you’ve built with that person

StarsmashNW · 2026-04-01T10:20:16+00:00

Interesting topic, I find the explanations from women to be a conundrum regarding it.

My understanding of the research and own empirical experience is that women are more active in responding positively to sexual contact from their partner and also initiating sex more often during the first periods of the relationship (1-24 months). After that it slows down and is instead morphed into the idea of “Men have an active sexuality and women a reactive one” to explain the decline. Important to note is that the frequency and the morphing happen after the women have secured commitment from the man.

When this happens there seems to be two explanations (might be more);

It´s a strategic bait and switch from the women. She secures commitment by being sexually available. This is either conscious or unconscious – regardless the result is the same for the man.
It´s due to “stress/kids/hormones/work” which makes the women less inclined to be “reactive” and instead externalise to outside factors. This is either true or it´s due to the women not wanting to have sex with her man.

The issue that I have regarding this is that if it´s the case that;

If women do scenario 1 unconsciously and its due to “stress/kids/hormone/work” then it fully removes the women’s agency and responsibility. It infantilizes women to a degrading degree which I know isn´t true. Women are smart and I see them as rational as men in being able to choose what´s best for them – hence the conundrum. If women want to have sex with their partner and know that their man feels unattractive/rejected/sad and still doesn´t do anything to resolve the situation (therapy, hormone medication, being active in resolving situation at work) then it´s malicious. And then some women (as seen in this thread) go further and gaslight men into saying that it´s their fault for not resolving the external factors that the women have responsibility to solve (medication,therapy, work environment).

If it isn´t unconscious but rather conscious strategy then it´s malicious and on the same level as men lying or misleading women only to have sex.

This chain of thought pierces the “women are beautiful” and put women´s explanation regarding this on the same level as men lying to have sex.

Disclaimers: Yes, some men and not all women. But I firmly belive what I described is more common with women than with men.

MrTTripz · 2026-04-01T07:22:30+00:00

How do you know that of those 30%, at least one partner in all 30% take issue with the frequency of sex?

What percentage of couples who have infrequent sex are actually mutually satisfied?

How do you know that less than 20% of married couples are happy?

Fragrant-Half-7854 · 2026-04-01T11:57:33+00:00

I don’t know that I agree with your assessment of the data but I do agree far too many couples are not having a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. Like many other problems in marriage, people seem to rather ignore them and build resentment against their partner instead of resolving the issues. I will never understand. If we have a problem in our marriage, we’re going to address it sooner rather than later.

Theawkwardmochi · 2026-04-01T12:29:48+00:00

It's cruel to deprive your spouse of sex and also expect monogamy from them

While I agree with the overall premise of your post as such (please sleep with your partners people, or break up) the above statement is false in my opinion. Here's why:

Let's consider the most common case - scenarios where sexual relations are intended to resume in the future by both parties:

If you "deprive" your spouse of sex due to external reasons such as illness or you have relationship problems that you're aware of and working (or planning to work) on and plan on resolving at some point in the future - it's not cruel and you are right to expect monogamy if monogamy has been agreed upon. There's sex in the future once conditions such as done-with-chemo/Brenda-stopped-being-petty/Brian-started-doing-dishes/Baby-stopped-crying-all- night are met. Same if you're not married yet but for some reason agreed to wait until marriage - there's sex in the future, once the rings-on-fingers condition has been met.

Let's consider a pretty rare (sadly far from non-existent) scenario in which sexual relations are NOT intended to resume by at least one party:

If you just decide you're not having sex with them ever again even though they objectively did nothing wrong (or showed genuine intent to improve), fail to acknowledge it as an issue and refuse to take part in any actions that could solve it - it sure is cruel but it's not monogamy to begin with, so you can't "expect" monogamy - not due to moral reasoning but due to the fact that you made monogamy logically impossible. Saying "you can't deprive a person of sex and expect monogamy" makes about as much sense as "you can't sleep with others and expect monogamy". Monogamy consists of two absolute conditions: sexual relationships with your partner, no sexual relations with anyone else. It implies existing or future sexual relations with your partner. Since there's no condition under which sexual relations might resume, you're not sex partners. You cannot cheat on someone who's not your sex partner, so by choosing to cease sexual relationships with an intention to never resume them, you're rendering the vow of fidelity void. If the other person chooses to continue the cohabitation and other aspects of the relationship it's (weird but) fine but there are no logical grounds to expect them to not sleep with other people.

HalfwaydonewithEarth · 2026-04-01T12:46:16+00:00

Absolutely 💯

Forced Celibacy is abuse!

bluestjuice · 2026-04-01T21:34:14+00:00

Dead bedrooms suck. I've experienced them from both sides and they both suck. The problem is that solving them is also very difficult, because sex is different from other sorts of tasks. If I have a problem because my partner isn't taking out the trash enough, we can talk about it and they can take the trash out more often, because even if you don't actually want to take the trash out, it's fine, you can just do it anyway. Sex isn't like that. You can't have good sex if you are not enjoying it, and you also can't really have good sex if your partner is not enjoying it. The situation isn't a lack of will, but a lack of desire, and figuring out how to fix desire is hard.

We also don't generally have great supports or resources to enlist in trying to deal with this. Doctors are not usually helpful -- they might test T levels or assess for depression or perimenopause or erectile dysfunction, and if there is a relevant prescription maybe you can get that. But people experiencing sexual dissatisfaction and lessened desire probably need more of a lifestyle change than anything medical, and there are very few coaches or protocols or systems for trying to make healthy progress in this area. And there is stigma and shame on all sides of the issue, which makes it even harder for people to share the struggle with others. They tend to suffer in silence and struggle on alone, or give up.

2026-04-02T03:48:00+00:00

I have been on the high-libido side of a dead bedroom and it is hell on earth, I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

Even then, I do not condone cheating in any form. You divorce the depriving partner and move on with life. The kids will be fine. Life will be fine. Everything will be ok.

My ex wife was a major bitch and ended up cheating on me anyway, so my glorious and noble sacrifice in staying with her was for nothing. The family got shredded anyway.

Looking back I no longer even blame her for anything. Maybe the first month or two was her fault, but after that it started to become my fault for being an utter doormat and lacking the willpower to do the hard but necessary thing. The first few times the bully kicks your ass it's his fault, the 3rd or 4th time it starts being your fault. That's how I see life now.

S0nG0ku88 · 2026-04-01T15:47:17+00:00

Women just don't like sex as much as men do. It seems a lot of women love the security and benefits of monogamy and LTR without loving the work that needs to go into it to keep it healthy.

It seems a lot of women will have sex for money, fun, attention, flings, secure a LTR but have difficulties having sex for love within a committed LTR, let alone give their sexual "best" efforts. All of that is reserved for the "courting" period which leads a lot of men to ask if you're only going to give your best efforts at the beggining of a relationship to just pull the rug out and bait and switch a guy later why would men bother with women beyond this period of time? The fruit is only going to rot, not ripen, we have spotted the pattern. Like a glitch in the matrix.

Women wonder why men cheat and I guarantee it has a whole lot less to do with "novelty" of other people and more to do with needs not being met within a relationship. Yes there are assholes out there but there are just as many good men dedicating their lives to someone who essentially wouldn't do that same for them. A well fed dog is going to come home every night, a dog that's been neglected and starved is going to dig in the local dumpsters for leftovers.

If you aren't putting in the effort and work you only have yourself to blame when the relationship blows up in your face and a lot of women are NOT.. pillow princesses who want sex their way and only once or twice a month. Very self interested gender that's used to getting your way and not putting in a lot of effort or compromising. This is very foreign for a lot of women in LTR when they are used to being the ones endlessly chased their whole lives of course intiating, performing, making effort is foreign to you. Thank god for the few good ones that do recognize it's 50% their responsibility to have a good or healthy sex life and by extension relationship. They are firmly in the minority in my experience because these dynamics are usually learned with experience.

Men like to fuck, women like to have sex and at some point women go from fucking to only wanting sex and they are very different things in how they are approached and envisioned and who likes it. What I mean by this is how people identify. Women when they are young, confident and people are very outgoing sexually but when they get older, their body changes and they get into a committed relationship, kids, etc. They no longer envision themselves as this "sex jungle cat" when they look in the mirror, they identify as a mom or as a wife. And how we self perceive affects how we interact and treat others. Many "moms" may feel incapable of delivering a highly performative or visual sexual experience (that men enjoy) like they could at the start of a relationship. In their minds they no longer "fuck", they have "sex" with their husbands or partners. And sex can be nice, loving, enjoyable. But it is not the same thing. This distinction matters. Ladies, go fuck your husband's once in awhile. If he can wait weeks for you to be in the mood you can throw the guy a bone once in awhile. The guy you supposedly love and are attracted to it and trust the most, it shouldn't be that difficult for you to engage on that level with him if you could do it for flings, hookups, strangers who didn't care about you or sacrifices nothing for you.

Jephta · 2026-04-02T04:46:20+00:00

I live in Japan. Here, the percent of sexless marriages (one year or more) is almost 50%. It's so common that women have largely begrudgingly accepted their husbands visiting escorts (sometimes with boundaries like "not in the first 1/2/3 years of marriage" etc) because it's seen as a kind of necessary evil to keep families together. She knows that he's not going to develop feelings for an escort, so it's better than him cheating. And it's certainly way better than actually fucking him.

NJFlowerchild · 2026-04-01T10:26:17+00:00

If you add it all together then nearly 30% of married couples have infrequent or no sex.

That’s not how percentages work. Those who haven’t had sex in 5 years are also included in the number that haven’t had sex in a year. Those that haven’t had sex in a year are not considering yearly to be frequent. The number is between 7-15%.

NJFlowerchild · 2026-04-01T11:14:13+00:00

Is it cruel for a pregnant wife, on bed rest carrying his child, to not allow her man to cheat?

Is it cruel for the mother who just gave birth and can’t have sex for 6 weeks to not allow her husband to cheat?

Is it cruel for a man or woman going through cancer treatment to not allow their spouse to cheat?

Is it cruel for a partner that works 80 hours a week to support their family to not allow their partner to cheat?

None of those things are cruel and yet they’re all major causes of infrequent sex.

quixxotia · 2026-04-01T12:43:34+00:00

A lot of people accept a mediocre, shitty relationship (especially men) and then get shocked when it ends with a dead bedroom, or take medications that kill their sex drive and create a dead bedroom. But a dead bedroom is grounds for a breakup because serious loss of attraction points to deeper issues e.g. lack of communication, trust or true compatibility. If we don't want each other all the time then why are we here? To tolerate each other? Because we're codependent even though we don't "love" each other or have sex?

Sonia314 · 2026-04-01T17:46:31+00:00

I absolutely agree that it's not reasonable to demand monogamy if you're not wiling to have sex in your marriage, but 11% isn't most.

Cheating is never justified, but neither is expecting someone you claim to love to be celibate.

rejected-again · 2026-04-01T21:50:03+00:00

There's a reason why the #1 demographic for prostitutes are married men.

GridReXX · 2026-04-01T11:00:13+00:00

It’s cruel to deprive your spouse of a sexual experience that’s mutual and satisfying.

And quite frankly sometimes that’s not going to happen with one another so women and men should be allowed to have sex with someone who hits all of their spots and blah and blah.

Fixed!

2026-04-01T09:17:46+00:00

First of all, what is your “experience” and why is that any sort of verifiable evidence that “most” married couples have sex once a month?

Second, the numbers you posted come out to 26% not 30%. Just saying 4% is a lot in this context.

Third, the divorce rate is the lowest the rate has been since the early 1970s. The rate has been on a steady decline for decades. Millennials wait longer to get married and are more selective to get married. Studies show the sweet spot is age 25-32 with the lowest risk of divorce.

Fourth, sexless marriages are obviously not ideal but my counter to fucking people other than your spouse would be to end the marriage. No fault divorce exists no matter how much voices from the manosphere in particular have a problem with it. Also, depending on what jurisdiction you live in and other factors like spending marital money on a lover, cheating can really fucking turn things up in a divorce.

If marriage isn’t for you that’s obviously fine. But statistically speaking married people still have sex more than uncoupled people or otherwise. Married people are still having sex based on the numbers even you gave. Just because some marriages suck that doesn’t mean the majority are bad. You’ve told me nothing that proves otherwise.

WebBorn2622 · 2026-04-01T09:04:01+00:00

You are not entitled to someone’s body just because you are dating them. If you are unhappy with the amount of sexual activity in your relationship then you can learn to live with it or break up.

I can’t believe you thought of sexual coercion, rape and cheating before you thought of just breaking up.

PerformativeRacist · 2026-04-01T07:28:55+00:00

Different people have different sex drives. Some couples are ok with once a month.

Also, you don't 'deprive' someone of sex. It's not food or water, you aren't entitled to anyone's body, even if you're married to them.

In these cases I believe it's ethical to allow the other person to play the field.

Or, just break up/divorce? Sure it's easier said than done in a lot of cases, but the relationship is already dead per this point. Unless both parties genuinely want an open relationship

All in all, it's very important to consider sexual compatibility when pursuing a relationship, and it's also important to have conversations with your partner if you're dissatisfied with the frequency of sex. There are often several factors rolled up into one when a dead bedroom is present in a relationship.

I'm not really seeing the logic for allowing multiple wives though

love_in_october · 2026-04-01T09:41:58+00:00

Not all of that percentage having infrequent sex are having issues.

Some are old or at least one partner has a disability. And a lot of couples with younger children are going to describe their sex as infrequent - they're just busy and tired. Maybe you'd see it as "cruel" in your current relationship but there are reasons why a couple might not have much sex and that might not be a problem.

duncan-the-wonderdog · 2026-04-01T15:00:34+00:00

I'll never understand why more couples just don't schedule their sex sessions, especially when they have otherwise busy lives. If you're working a full time job, dealing with kids, and doing housework, you can't depend on sex just happening spontaneously.

Making time and actual plans for sex is beneficial to those with a lower libido and those with higher sex drives because both of them ramp up their energy towards that one set encounter. Communication and teasing can be major turn-ons, especially for those with more responsive sexual desire.

Trying new ways of getting each other off instead of focusing on just PiV sex would also be highly beneficial. Cishets need to learn there's more to sex than just penetration!

TrippyCantTakeIt · 2026-04-01T18:36:29+00:00

My husband and I are currently married, a year of our marriage being opened and plans to separate at some point this year after 2 years of me having no libido. He has an incredibly lovely girlfriend who has a kid and everyone is aware of the current situation.

At no point in time was anyone cheating on anyone because we love eachother and we would never resort to hurting eachother that way because of that love.

If you would resort to cheating and hurting your partner in such a way over sex or lack of it, you shouldn't be married. You don't love your partner.

It's a hard pill to swallow but it's much harder and miserable to stay in a marriage with someone you don't love and isn't making you happy. And more than likely, they aren't happy either.

Just get divorced or break up.

Axis_Control · 2026-04-01T07:38:03+00:00

No ones making them stay together, they can leave at any point.

Staying is just allowing it.

TophetLoader · 2026-04-01T09:09:01+00:00

Monogamy is an agreement of having exactly 1 partner.

Sex deprivation is having 0 partners, which makes the whole agreement void.

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Salt_Ambassador_2646 · 2026-04-01T13:03:35+00:00

Situational, but yes couples should be intimate. And if you aren’t getting as much as you’d like you need to have that conversation with your partner before cheating. Leave before you cheat.

AnimalLoose2402 · 2026-04-01T13:49:47+00:00

If yall know this why do so many keep chasing it?

Foyles_War · 2026-04-01T15:49:00+00:00

It's quite the conundrum, I agree. Sadly, your on the surface reasonable solution probably isn't any more satisfying for most couples or at least men.

Obviously, the biggest issue is trust and communication. It is assumed and generally understood that monogamy and sexual exclusiveness are the norm and anything outside of that is "cheating," "hurtful," and "disgraceful." But, lets pretend we can wave a magic wand and reimagine that. You suggest part of the contract to explicity require sexual needs be met some how some way either story book style ("and they lived happily and orgasmically ever after") or through an open relationship option.

The thing is, though, that, lots of people in relationships have unsatisfying sexual relationships and/or are not satisfied by their partner. Women, in particular, state that they don't often experience orgasms and sex is often dissappointing - not at all what they thought or want to experience. If we are going to say it is "fair" for a person who isn't sexually satisfied by what their partner consensually offers to go find fulfillment outside the relationship then we will find some people searching for "more" and others searching for "better" and obviously, since emotional connection is a component of good sex for many, it must be okay also to look for that outside the relationship.

I cannot see how this would work short of completely reworking the entire concept of marriage to be a series of short term exclusive contracts subject to renewel or cancellation at regular intervals with predetermined clauses for the possibility of pregnancy and children and how to deal with that.

ChaoticAmoebae · 2026-04-02T17:21:37+00:00

So rather than fixing the cause of why your marriage is sexless you want to have sex outside your relationship… why do you want to be married?

You are also saying 30% or less have infrequent/no sex of married people. You failed to provide data on the same thing for single and separate divorced people. Your data is insufficient for any conclusion.

tiddermacss · 2026-04-03T19:50:52+00:00

marry young then?? fuck around all your youth and marry at saggy older age and expecting the same! lol

-Kalos · 2026-04-03T22:13:04+00:00

Just divorce then damn

WhollyGrale · 2026-04-04T16:39:19+00:00

What the hell is with this subreddit and all the cheating apologia? I thought being a traditional man was supposed to be about traditional values, and last I checked honesty and loyalty were part of that. Yet it seems everywhere I look it's "red pill men" finding excuses to cheat.

I don't care if your wife won't fuck you. Get a divorce. Cheating is immoral no matter how you slice it in a world where you can just fucking divorce. Personally, I think the problem is people rush to get married before they have a full picture of who their partner actually is and then there's such a stigma around divorce that they'd rather cheat than get divorced.

LillthOfBabylon · 2026-04-01T19:13:56+00:00

This is precisely why “I feel love through sex” is bullshit. Thats just about coercing people into sex, not actually about love.

“Your obligation to sexually satisfy me is serious and binding. My obligation to remain faithful is conditional.”

DearQuiet8618 · 2026-04-02T14:21:03+00:00

Sex isn't valuable or important

angelbaby933 · 2026-04-01T15:15:51+00:00

I’d argue it’s more cruel to create an environment where your partner is less incentivised to want to have sex, and then resent them for not wanting sex.

InterestingGoose5507 · 2026-04-01T07:35:10+00:00

He/she gets first dibs but if they don’t fulfil their role as a wife/husband then they don’t get to expect loyalty!

iamaloanshark · 2026-04-01T12:01:55+00:00

If one person isn't getting what they want sexually then they should first check if they are providing anything other than whiny demands, secondly communicate their "needs", and then thirdly (if further genital thrusting in their partners general direction doesn't work) they should leave and try to find someone more compatible.

If the other person doesn't want to provide the frequency of sex their partner "needs", they should do the communication thing too - except this person likely doesn't view sex as the main part of the relationship (unless they are being abused). So they will prob not leave the relationship purely because they aren't putting out enough for Person #1.

Person #1 cheating rather than leaving means (as the study says) they are getting something else fulfilling out of their relationship that they don't want to give up. They'd rather hurt Person #2 than deal with the discomfort of disappointing potential new prospects on the apps without their backup blankie to go home to.

Person #2 probably just needs to find someone better at sex tbh.

SeaworthinessSea2407 · 2026-04-01T14:29:02+00:00

So break up. Cheating makes you a chud

Ronniebbb · 2026-04-01T15:02:03+00:00

So my thing is, either you talk to your partner and you both get therapy together and separately, then also see a doctor(like physical health) to figure out the whys behind it, or you leave.

To me there is never a reason or excuse to cheat.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2026-04-01T15:13:50+00:00

The article said “factoring in” infrequent sex brings the number to 15%, not that infrequent sex is a separate quantity

“Infrequent” is also not deprivation

Not everyone sees sex as an emotionless activity or need

BobtheArcher2018 · 2026-04-01T17:22:10+00:00

Given that this is the implicit contract in today's world, sure, if you can't live up to it you are honor-bound to communicate.

But pulling back to the bigger point about monogamy, I think a lot of people who worry about monogamy dying also leave out details. It could be that given male and female natures, the current sexual expectations are basically insane at a population level if you expect women to pair up widely with men of roughly equivalent SMV.

We've based our sexual 'normality' on two hot teenagers mutually obsessed with one another. This was NEVER the case when monogamy was widely enforced. Men did not expect women to initiate, to show (feign?) enthusiasm for sex from ages 18 to 60. Blowjobs and other things that require sufficient arousal for women to overcome naturally higher disgust levels were not expected, and so on.

So if these are the new rules of the game, it should surprise nobody that women have become quite picky about being aroused by their partners. Or that women often leave relationships when this kind of sexuality just becomes impossible for them for so many possible reasons. Or even that they are not truthful about certain realities--because in order to make it work emotionally, often the first person they have to lie to is themself.

It's cruel to deprive your spouse of sex and also expect monogamy from them

Comments

Gunst et al. (2016) – 7-year longitudinal population study

Title	It's cruel to deprive your spouse of sex and also expect monogamy from them
Author	Novel-Tip-7570
Upvotes	129
Comments	302
Date	April 1, 2026 7:17 AM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1s9dfxu/its_cruel_to_deprive_your_spouse_of_sex_and_also/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/its-cruel-to-deprive-your-spouse-of-sex-and-also.1576879 https://theredarchive.com/post/1576879