What is your vetting advice for women?

matthedev · 2026-04-25T23:44:11+00:00

"If it's too good to be true, it probably is." If someone's laying on the compliments and flattery thick, making her feel like his attention is a rare and special thing she's earned, or making her feel like she needs to earn his approval, those are signs he may be manipulating her emotions. It's not "good personality" or "social skills"; it's being practiced in convincing women he'll stick around for a relationship when that's not what he wants.

There are more obvious personality faults like cockiness and inability to admit fault or apologize, short temper, or laziness; but those may be less seductive.

growframe · 2026-04-25T22:24:24+00:00

What is your vetting advice for women?

Generally: Be selfish. Figure out what you want deep down in your heart of hearts and don't compromise on it. Don't waste time on people who quickly give you indications they won't give that to you.

isn't settling for her, has genuine feelings and desire

Effort and commitment. People put effort into the things they want. They won't compromise for it and will in fact make excuses to get it. Avoid flakers. Avoid people that need conditions and convincing to spend time with you or connect with you. Stay aware of the difference between lovebombing and desire, though.

would make a good long-term husband and father (as pregnancy and postpartum period are very vulnerable times both physically and financially)

I think marriage and kids are worthless so I can't comment.

wesborland1234 · 2026-04-25T20:25:03+00:00

Is he responsible, ie if he says he’s going to do something does he follow through?

Is he ambitious? Not just about career goals (although that’s ok too). But like some kind of hobby or passion besides XBox and internet porn?

Don’t expect him to change. If he drinks a lot (which may be fine for you) don’t expect him to quit all of a sudden when you get married or have a baby.

Does he skip leg day? He’ll always take the easy way out.

avocadolanche3000 · 2026-04-25T21:11:06+00:00

I don’t really know how to answer the settling thing because I think it’s a loaded term. I could be out pursuing other women, but I’m with you, so I’ve already chosen you over them.

When I think of men that I hate, that women sometimes seem oblivious to, I think of guys who don’t apologize on principle. The salesy, smarmy type guys who need to win every social interaction. The kind of guy who crushes your hand when you shake it, because it’s important to this guy to assert dominance. The guys like this that I’ve known immediately change when their girlfriends aren’t around, and I can’t imagine these guys are good partners

And the tells boil down to:

Can they laugh at themselves?
Can they admit an apology?
Are they okay sometimes being the fool?

.

I think if they can’t do some combination of those three things, there’s a good chance their entire personality is a construction, and by extension the relationship is a construction that falls apart if you ever discover the real them. Because their ego is front and center always. Real confidence doesn’t require that.

Ok-Ninja-8165 · 2026-04-26T04:32:11+00:00

There are few nice filters:

- He includes her in his plans by his own initiative.

- Includes you in his life, like you get to know his friends at some point.

- There's some amount of awkwardness, especially beginning of relationships, he's far from being perfect. People aren't perfect and that lowers chances of him being a player that do and say exactly what expected of him.

- Has his own life that isn't focused on getting laid. It includes having goals and ambitions.

- Don't deliberately try to behave in masculine way all the time.

- Do not put you in center of his own life.

Neither-Lie-1095 · 2026-04-26T02:14:23+00:00

Be a more active participant instead of relying on gotchas and tests and date fewer men, one at a time, for longer. Serious men seek reciprocation and actively reciprocating makes manipulation way more difficult because the woman is asserting more control over the dating experience. When women wait for men to "do the right thing" they invite manipulation. Similarly dating for longer means you're making fewer judgements based on shallow aspects and more judgements based on relationship value.

TempDong · 2026-04-26T06:03:51+00:00

Most "bad" men are not good liars anyways, women just ignore it because the dude is hot / tall. I remember this girl I knew in college, this dude grabbed her ass for a long time on the literal first date when they were walking around a public park. It was clearly fucking weird but she "found it cute" because he was 6'6".

I don't think it's that hard. Is he making time for you? Is he nice and are his friends nice? When you ask him about commitment, do you get a straight answer? Does he remember the things you say and choose actions to cater to you in someway? Was he on the path towards a long, happy, and successful life before you even met him?

Finding someone you are truly compatible with is the hard part of dating, not vetting.

NockerJoe · 2026-04-25T19:56:08+00:00

Watch how he treats service workers and janitors and random passerby. He's trying to impress you, but how does he feel about people he isn't focused on?

AdmirableHospital119 · 2026-04-26T03:13:58+00:00

To emotionally stable women with emotionally available dad

Perform an act in public where you are sick and about to throw up Throw up if you can

Watch how he reacts

You will know a lot about him

ACattleDog · 2026-04-26T11:58:56+00:00

Have him do yard work or some other type of hard(er) labor with a dad or brother or a man you trust in your life and if he is lazy, whiny or half-assed he's not a good choice. They'll let you know.

This presumes you have men you're life that care about you already and they know you will actually believe what they tell you about the guy. You also should do it more than once, at least 4 times for a few hours each.

TopShelfSnipes · 2026-04-26T17:46:21+00:00

Based on the following:

Is she physically attracted to him?
Does he take the initiative and clearly communicate his intentions/feelings for her?
Is he too agreeable, or does he stand up for himself and disagree with her, indicating a greater deal of transparency/truthfulness?
How does he treat those who he doesn't want anything from, who don't matter? His doorman, service workers, security guards at his work, strangers?
What are his friends like? If they aren't always great, does he acknowledge their flaws or even call them out sometimes, or simply say they're 'great guys' anyway?
How does he react when things don't go his way?
What are his views around sex and are they compatible with hers?
What does he want in life outside of relationships, and does he have a plan to get there, independent of her?
Does he have a history of showing that he can pursue what he wants, and work hard to get it?
How does he behave when under peer pressure? Can he go against the tide, or does he go along to get along and then try to smooth it over later?
Does he have any addictions, including gambling, overworking, or video games? (instant dealbreaker)
Can he stand up for her against others?
What is the role of his job/career in his life, and will he enforce boundaries if it tries to encroach into his personal life?
Does he have a sense of humor, and can he laugh at himself?
Does he have a good relationship with his parents? If they are good parents, why not. If they are bad parents, what has the experience taught him, and what are his own views on husband/wife dynamics and parent/child dynamics, and has he healed from that or is he actively working to do so?
Is he financially responsible?
Can he apologize when he fucks up without whataboutism, and show that he's serious about trying not to fuck up in the same exact way in the future?
Does he have a documented history of past abuse, a criminal record, co-dependency, bankruptcy or significant bad debt (ie credit card or gambling debt) or nonpayment, or long-term unemployment?
When she leaves his presence, does she feel better, worse, or unsure of herself?

I'd start with that.

Nard_Bard · 2026-04-26T12:46:05+00:00

Good person.
Good dick.
Has his shit together.

Women have to settle for 2 of these.

wtknight · 2026-04-26T15:03:19+00:00

Make him wait for sex. A lot of men will hate this advice, but it’s the best way to ensure that a man likes a woman’s personality and doesn’t just want to pump and dump her. More than three dates is usually better too. I personally wouldn’t advise it until mutual feelings of love are present, and the longer a woman waits, the more likely she will be able to tell that the man is not just taking these feelings of love.

Contrary to how women might feel, a man who is a friend first is probably more likely to stick with her and to treat her well. Most men aren’t going to go through the effort of pretending to be friends for a significant period of time just to have sex with a woman. Sure, these men might be sexually attracted to her from the start, but he’s not going to spend the time with her that friendship entails if she completely annoys him and he doesn’t like her personality at all.

funfacts_82 · 2026-04-27T07:00:34+00:00

- isn't settling for her, has genuine feelings and desire

initiates a lot i guess is the best marker

- would make a good long-term husband and father

Has solid male rolemodels and good circle of male friends. Also the thing that i would add is: Not being afraid to confront his mother is a very good sign.

Asterion__Moloc · 2026-04-25T23:41:55+00:00

I would say that his social interactions are fundamental. How he treats any kind of people, if he acts as if he is superior. I believe that humbleness is much more telling than kindness.

I don't want to sound incelly but from what I see often women have this attraction with the idea of a cool guy/bad boy, but often that type of person is completely self centered and the bad boy thing is just for him to put himself above others.

Also it's really important that the person has as main goal their life. I understand it sounds ankward but a guy that stop caring about his own life and career for you is not going to be stable in the long run. That's why the guys that are usually considered a nice catch are those that focus on their thing, relationships should not be needed but a want that does not handicap the person life.

That's why I never undersrand people that want others to chase them, if they chase you obsessively they put their interests and efforts in the wrong things.

Basically a really good man in my opinion is on his path.

SentinelATL · 2026-04-26T02:54:13+00:00

-most men settle no one has the balls to admit this most men take what they can get but I have a unpopular saying that’ll probably get me downvoted but I know deep down people agree with it :

“ a man will settle for his 40th choice and treat her like his 1st choice; a woman will settle for her 40th choice and treat him like his 40th choice”

-another hot take, I think women have tons and I mean TONS of insight into men. AskMen reddit threads, endless male podcasts, dating podcasts, multiple studies, multiple forums online, etc. literally millions of hours upon hours of content and information telling women what men want and how they’d like to be treated by women/what they look for to commit to.

-I genuinely think the main issue is most women don’t like most men they’ve done this with app swipes and studied women’s dating preferences and algorithms and most men “don’t measure up” so it seems

-second main issue is I think women don’t actually care what men want on a deep interpersonal level. I’ve noticed in real life and on multiple reddit threads when a man lists his basic wants he’s met with immense ridicule, shame and insults but I’d argue most men are easy to please and mostly look for the same traits to commit to give or take. And yes I know someone is going to say men aren’t a monolith. Which goes without saying.

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Commercial-Formal272 · 2026-04-26T03:21:03+00:00

Spend significant time together talking, interacting, and getting to know his values and beliefs. Jumping to fast from one relationship to another is on of the most common errors I see women make in dating. Find out if you like him as a person, not just as a body, and make sure your values are aligned. As part of that, don't worry about missing opportunities because you took your time or about having to turn down an option that you liked but that has signs that the relationship wouldn't work long term. Guys, due to the expectation that men have to initiate, will bring up and push for sex, but that's only an issue if they can't accept "not yet" as an answer.

Incidentally, this is almost identical to the advice I'd give men as well. Learning who a person is before getting fully emotionally invested helps massively in avoiding red flags, and the way to learn who a person is is to spend enough time interacting and observing.

Bumpywallsaregood · 2026-04-27T08:25:44+00:00

Oh Good question.

Let's start with a very basic thing, the better looking he is, the more strict your vetting should be.

This isn't because "good looking men are assholes", it's because you are human, and being attracted to someone will AUTOMATICALLY make you overlook things or give the benefit of the doubt.

Always look at things as "if the ugliest man i've ever met did this, how would I react"? That solves a huge amount of the difficulty in vetting i've found women tend to have. You won't overcorrect.

Most "bad" men are not good liars, women just ignore it because the dude is hot / tall. They would not have been convinced if the guy was short and ugly and doing the same thing.

As for your specifics.

isn't settling for her, has genuine feelings and desire

Trust actions over words. Does he remember the little things. Does he prioritise you. Very often, women will unconsciously select against men with genuine feelings and desire due to being turned off by neediness or being "boring". Don't trust your feelings, coldly look at the person's actions to determine if they mean what they say.

would make a good long-term husband and father (as pregnancy and postpartum period are very vulnerable times both physically and financially)

Well for the first, see if he's enthusiastic about being a father. Far too many women take "meh" as good enough when it comes to having children. A man who feels forced or coerced into being a parent will not be a great long term option.

Other than that, same as the above. Cold analysis. Is he nurturing towards children, is he kind when you are sick. Ignore your feelings and look at things entirely factually.

Fundamentally, the best vetting is done when you aren't biased by feelings. Many women hate this advice, but it's true in pretty much all other parts of life. Specifically try and counteract your biases for good looking men, and ignore what your feelings are telling you. Look at the facts and the actions, and construct the best argument you can both for and against the person.

aslfingerspell · 2026-04-25T20:11:22+00:00

I've never been in this position before, but I'll take a crack at it.

Offer some kind of nonsexual intimacy (i.e. kisses, cuddling) early to gauge their reaction. Basically, give as much intimacy as you are comfortable and safe with, and then see if they are satisfied or want something else too. Put him in a "situationship" on your own terms and see if he wants more, or if he remains at "A woman touched me and that's awesome!"

A man looking for commitment might be disappointed at consistently being kissed but not much else, while a man who just wants any woman would find "just kissing" better than "just single." A man truly looking for a wife shouldn’t be satisfied with consistent kissing or even consistent sex, if you go there.

Again, this is NOT "Have sex and see if they leave." but more "Someone who wants more than just physical intimacy will want more if you initiate a bit."

The reason why I say initiate at a low level rather than the traditional "wait for sex" is because truly predatory men can be very patient and even a man who just wants quick sex could be willing to wait 3 months than spend another year without sex.

The_Economistologist · 2026-04-25T20:57:20+00:00

This question is really difficult because men have so much variability. As much was we like to say women aren't a monolith, women cluster around the mean, and men's distribution for most traits that matter is much flatter. Women's bell-curve is a tall mountain. Men's bell curve is a rolling hill.

4444-uuuu · 2026-04-25T22:40:15+00:00

Are you attracted to him because he's exciting dominant and assertive? Step back and look at his other traits.

Are you rejecting a man because he's not assertive and dominant? Reevaluate what's important.

Imagine it's your sister

that's the problem. In the past, women were encouraged to go for guys that her brother or dad approved of. Now they choose the guys that her dad would hate because she thinks it's exciting.

You can also just talk to men instead of fucking them, and stop rejecting men who don't fuck you right away.

abaxeron · 2026-04-26T09:22:30+00:00

Imagine it's your sister asking that advice or something

If she was relatively attractive, I'd thank her for asking me and tell her to shuffle around her orbiters and pick the one that cooks better. After "What? I don't have any orbiters!" I'd start to list them by names, and then she'd laugh in my face and never bother me with this question again.

In astronomically impossible case she actually listens and doesn't laugh and politely says that unfortunately these guys are really just friends and all of them actually already have girlfriends, and she means more generally, here's my older response to a thread called "If you woke up as a straight woman, what kind of partner would you go for?":

"No shooting/stabbing/slicing scars, no piercing, no dyed hair, no alcohol in his fridge, no tattoos, uncircumcised, not a head-bashing athlete and especially not with head-bashing athletic scholarship, no drugs, no family history of clinical insanity. I can work with the rest. And I can make the rest work."

YeaNobody · 2026-04-26T04:22:39+00:00

Is this even a real question? You have a literal app that stalks men and tells you who's good and who's shit.

bison5595 · 2026-04-26T11:07:58+00:00

It first starts with being honest about yourself and what you’re looking for. If you believe you’re a 10, you’re already off to bad start. What are your actual relationship goals. Have you ever met to the type of guy you’re attracted to before. Do you know what they want. Do you actually ask about relationship history and how many women they been with?

shadowrangerfs · 2026-04-26T12:42:31+00:00

Settling - Depends on which version of "settling" you are referring to. If you mean in the sense of "Do I check every box on his list"? Then there really is no way to know. A mature person knows that no person will have everything you want and nothing that you don't. The perfect partner doesn't exist. The fact that he's with you means that you check enough of them.

If you mean it in the "Is he with me because I'm all he can get", then you just have to find out if he has options. How many GFs has he had? How many hook ups? Do you know other women who find him attractive and are interested in him?

Genuine feelings and desires - He wants to spend time with you and makes an effort to do so. Isn't entertaining any other women. Introduces you to people as his girlfriend.

Make a good husband and father - Look for signs of responsibility. If he already has kids with another woman, then see what kind of father he is to them. If he's a deadbeat to those kids, he'll be a deadbeat to yours too. If he doesn't have kids, how does he interact with other people's kids?

Then look at other aspects of his life. Is he responsible in those areas? Does he have a job that he shows up for on time every day? Does he keep his household in order? Such as paying rent and bills on time every month? Does he budget and spend responsibly?

Personality wise - Is he kind man? is he caring? is he honest? does he have integrity? Is he reliable? Does he treat people with respect? Especially people who he can't benefit from.

Now, nothing is perfect. Some men will work really hard to lie and fake being something they aren't. But most can't keep it up long term.

chile-pica · 2026-04-27T15:32:49+00:00

“Think with the big head” that’s what people always told me.

So if my sister asked me this, I would not start with “here are 47 questions to ask a man.” I would tell her this:

Before you obsess over whether a man is “settling,” ask whether you are positioning yourself to attract the kind of man who does not need to settle.

If I were a woman looking for a man to marry and father my children, I would:

1. Signaling - Be the kind of girl who can attract the man I want to vet. No point in vetting a man if the right man doesn't want me.

Maintain a fit healthy body and BMI
Maintain long hair
Wear more conventional dresses rather than any weird trending outfits. Not a hard rule but I'd lean toward that
Pursue my passion and commit a chunk of my life toward investing in whatever it was

Conclusion: You should not have to drag a man into wanting you.

2. Finding (more important than "vetting")

Rule 0: A lot of people say they want “a good man,” but that is too vague.

Do you want a family-oriented man? A provider type? A religious man? A creative man? A high-status career guy? A quiet stable guy? A man who wants kids soon? A man who wants rural life, city life, travel, tradition, ambition?

Figure that out first.

Then put yourself in the environments where those men actually are. If you want a serious family-minded man, stop primarily fishing in unserious environments. If you want a disciplined man, go where disciplined men spend time. If you want a man with a certain lifestyle, meet him in that lifestyle.

Conclusion: “Vetting” starts with selecting the right pond.

3. Winning him over: Women change men all the time. How many times has a guy used a girl for a good time for 1.5 years and then immediately got into a serious LTR that led to marriage, 3.5 kids, white picket fence with the next girl? Exactly. (Go back to 1. Signaling if you have trouble processing this.)

Fuck the shit out of him regularly
Be his fantasy in every way
Give him 0 drama
Wash, rinse, repeat for 3-5 months

If that doesn't work, I've increased my body count by 1. Big deal. Try again. I'd say this has an 80-90% chance of working.

Alarmiorc2603 · 2026-04-25T23:55:09+00:00

First question has a very simple asnwer, only date those men you can demand commitment from. I'm not going to quantify that becuase most women know what men will take the ultimatum of "you must seriously commit to fuck", women just don't give these men play becuase its an ego hit for women to accept that the guys they can actually get commitment from are significantly lower calibre then the guys they aspirationally fuck.

The 2nd questions answer is you have to judge men far more based on actually values particularly those demonstrated, like honour, courage etc.

DietTyrone · 2026-04-25T19:57:42+00:00

isn't settling for her, has genuine feelings and desire

A guy will put in a lot of effort towards a woman he is very attracted to or cares a lot about, not just lip service.

would make a good long-term husband and father (as pregnancy and postpartum period are very vulnerable times both physically and financially)

They need to focus on the traits that really matter. What are his values? How does he treat his friends & family? What do his exes think of him? Is he empathetic? Is he kind?

A guy whose stoic and confident is cool and all, but it doesn't tell you shit about if he'd make a good husband or father.

But we don't really have the insight into the inner workings of men.

You have male family members. For some reason, women only want to involve them when shit's already hit the fan, they're left raising some deadbeats kid alone, and need help from the men in their family or "the village." They should seek that advice in the early vetting phase not when the ships already sailed and everything is going south.

Imagine it's your sister asking that advice or something - you probably want to see her happy and it costs you nothing.

This is something that gets glossed over too much during these conversations about how women can vet properly online. The best advice is for women to ask male family members these questions and help them vet. A brother, a cousin, dad, uncle, etc, all will have her best interest at heart and will understand how men think better than she can.

anonymousppd123123 · 2026-04-25T20:40:47+00:00

would make a good long-term husband and father

Vet for high iq and trustworthiness

isn't settling for her, has genuine feelings and desire

Women have this one figured out, have the hotter friend hit on him

I think this is a misframe, in every relationship where ive tapped out i did have genuine feelings and desire that got killed off by my partners actions over time

balhaegu · 2026-04-26T10:09:58+00:00

You cant know on first sight. This is why your male friends or family members who actually know good guys that would make a good match, can provide helpful insight.

No matter what you describe about a guy i wouldnt trust him until ive known him for a while, at least 1 year.

throwaway73737828 · 2026-04-26T12:05:39+00:00

Its very simple, if he has tattoos, manipulates you a lot and is not a nice person dont marry him

İf he has good social skills, respectful to people, financially responsible go marry. Its that fking simple.

Title	What is your vetting advice for women?
Author	Prior-Impression-871
Upvotes	30
Comments	130
Date	April 25, 2026 7:14 PM UTC (2 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1svl2rn/what_is_your_vetting_advice_for_women/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-is-your-vetting-advice-for-women.1578866 https://theredarchive.com/post/1578866

Comments

So if my sister asked me this, I would not start with “here are 47 questions to ask a man.” I would tell her this: