I seriously question when men on Reddit say they've been in an abusive relationship with a woman

Platipus6 · 2021-07-27T23:49:21+00:00

Someone tried to start the idea on deadbedrooms that "being denied sex is just as emotionally painful as being raped" so yeah, I'm not surprised by some of the shit redditors say.

Women exercising their human right to say no... is abuse.

Abusers think that what they're doing isn't wrong, or if their excuse is believable enough, their behaviour is justified. So when the woman reacts, or doesn't know she's being abused and tries a workaround, she's the abuser.

eg financial abuse. He's in control of the finances to such a degree she and the children are starving so she "steals" $50 from his wallet. Now she's the perp and he's the victim.

Stonewalling. Sitting there with a blank or smug expression until she starts screaming for answers. Now she's the perp.

Doing the "I'm not touching you" or general physical pestering/tickling until she slaps him away.

I find it much more likely that men provoke until she reacts.

Men abuse then scramble to back-justify that she provoked him.

There aren't many insane women who provoke a man until he snaps.

hopeful_flounder93 · 2021-07-27T23:47:17+00:00

One thing nearly all abusive men have in common is they will accuse their victim of being abusive.

modernmedusaa · 2021-07-28T02:42:57+00:00

Most men are sissies with zero emotional resilience.

They like to blame us for the fact they ‘struggle to open up’ but idk they have no trouble opening up several women’s legs behind your back and chit chatting to them with their sob stories lol.

They have no problem plotting wars, shmoozing their way to getting promotions and raping women and denying it or manipulating the media. But we’re meant to believe these poor men are just clueless victims of masculinity and mentally handicapped. I don’t think so.

They have no problem expressing anger when you won’t swallow their bullshit or gaslighting, lying and manipulating women constantly which requires some mental effort/agency doesn’t it?

They get their heart broke once in high school and spend the rest of their lives bitter, deliberately abusing women for revenge & feeling smugly justified about it. Most men actually find it funny when they abuse, degrade and humiliate us, that’s why we call it misogyny, because they take glee in dehumanising us. And get raging mad when we bite back or refuse.

Women have been FORCED to get 500x mentally stronger (way beyond what I would deem healthy) due to men making us endure endless shit we didn’t sign up for just for the crime of seeking love/ a normal relationship....but now we have more financial freedom & educations etc we increasingly see little point in tolerating it. Because we never wanted to in the first place. That’s the part men don’t register.

hensbanex · 2021-07-27T23:13:40+00:00

lots of times abusive men turn it back on women who decide to fight back or defend themselves. so I’m very skeptical also.

queen-wannabe · 2021-07-28T02:00:23+00:00

Men are so entitled that their versions of abuse are so minuscule.

BlueSkiesOverLondon · 2021-07-28T00:53:55+00:00

This is tough, because some men are abused by women. It’s rare but it happens.

The issue is that claiming to be the victim of an abusive relationship is a known habit of abusive men. There is even a section in Why Does He Do That? about this. So for my own safety, I also am guarded/skeptical around men who claim to be abused, though I try not to show it if I can reasonably avoid that, just in case they are actually victims.

eatchickpeas · 2021-07-27T23:35:44+00:00

there are genuine cases of women being abusive to men but its almost always verbal/emotional abuse. physical cases of abuse are even more rarer. i never believed it until i watched a documentry about it and it changed my mindset. the numbers are just tiny in comparision to the number of men who abuse women

men outnumber women are a large margin but men want you to believe its an equal 50/50 split. men want you to believe that they also fear walking down a street at night time incase they get raped/attacked but everyone and their dog knows who usually is the victim and who is the perpertrator. men are physically and emotionally violent to their spouses. they are more likely to accuse their partner of cheating even if they themselves are the ones cheating

part of this is men needing women everywhere to believe that they are kind hearted protectors of women. the other part is men needing to silence women. if we all figure out just how dangerous men can be, we probably wouldnt be so carefree entering relationships with them and being friendly with them

purasangria · 2021-07-28T00:00:23+00:00

I've had men call me saying, "Please stop leaving your clothes on the floor" in a neutral but firm tone "yelling." Yet I did not raise my voice. They are butthurt little babies incapable of any criticism or self-reflection. And they call US emotional? Please.

christmasforoutlaws · 2021-07-27T23:32:11+00:00

I immediately become suspicious of any man who says he was in an abusive relationship. Chances are he was the abuser and is deflecting blame. Lundy Bancroft can back me up on this. Also, to your point, the things men believe to be abuse just...aren't. There's a domestic violence researcher in Australia who recorded the testimonies of abused women vs abused men. The women said stuff like "my boyfriend/husband has threatened to ki11 me and the kids, he's tried to hit me with a car, he's strang1ed me in a fit of rage, he waves a gun around sometimes to intimidate me." The men would say stuff like "Dinner isn't ready when I get home, the house isn't clean, and the wife spent money on new clothes for the kids, so obviously she's abusive." The most severe testimony they were able to find from a man was that his wife had hit him in the head with a kitchen cupboard door. Obviously that's not great, but pales in comparison to the stories from the women who are being terrorized.

I have met one -- O N E single man in my life who was in an abusive relationship with a woman. There was a massive age gap; she was 12 years older than him. She found him at a very precarious time in his life as he had just been made homeless and she took advantage of it. She was emotionally, mentally, financially, and reproductively abusive. He legitimately did not know, much like how a lot of women don't know they're in abusive relationships. I had to be the one to break the news to him that yes, his ex-wife abused him.

Controversial opinion? Maybe. But I'm more than willing to die on this hill.

08__80 · 2021-07-28T02:07:02+00:00

When you've never actually been abused before, every little inconvenience feels like abuse. It's like the Princess and the Pea. You never see men who spent their childhoods being beaten and abused by their parents/guardians write "Boohoohoo she mad I spend all my time being gross and playing games with my internet friends! This is literal abuse, I am a victim!"

Newwavesupport3657 · 2021-07-28T02:12:44+00:00

I think men are more often abused by their mothers but not their partners. They take it out on their partners.

proudpine · 2021-07-27T23:31:39+00:00

I’m skeptical of anything I read on Reddit, period. People lie. Especially men.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-07-28T03:06:16+00:00

The men who say they got abused are usually the most pernicious abusers. Try asking them how exactly they were abused 🙃

TigreImpossibile · 2021-07-28T02:04:40+00:00

This will probably be an unpopular opinion, but while I agree with what you're saying, I'd also say that Gen Z (and younger Millenials, generally speaking) tend to label ALL questionable and problematic behaviour as "abusive".

That's not to say problematic behaviours shouldn't be called out or that I don't think having firm boundaries is important, but calling everything "abusive" is hyperbolic and diminishes the gravity of the word.

These guys are ABSOLUTELY doing that, the thing is I take most things I read on Reddit with a grain of salt and Reddit is absolutely a male echo chamber where they often validate all their nonsense and bullshit. How many people IRL do you know that would equate a nagging wife as "abusive", when on the other hand, women are murdered by their intimate partners all over the world in large numbers on a daily basis and these Reddit fuckwits are trying to make a case that women are equally or more abusive than men is just ridiculous and repulsive. Their arguments only survive in their little echo chambers in the basements of the internet. Ugh.

_electrafire · 2021-07-27T23:58:19+00:00

YES! In Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That?” He says that if a man claims a woman physically abused him, he is most likely physically abusive himself!! This made me realized how brainwashed I was by listening to men’s victim stories. After an NVX I used to sympathize with all people who claimed to be abuse victims. I didn’t have a gendered perspective and thought that these various men must be sincere. WHEW, that has all changed drastically. You can’t understand abuse without a gendered perspective. Even abuse against men

BiscuitWoof · 2021-07-28T03:00:14+00:00

Same energy as a woman getting lectured for slapping her boyfriend in response to being mentally, emotionally and physically abused

Women usually only get physical in response to extreme situations when pushed beyond breaking point

crazykitten27 · 2021-07-28T00:36:51+00:00

Oh I'm always instantly suspicious of men who claim their partners were abusive in my experience men see women setting any boundaries as a personal attack. To men any woman not just passively agreeing with them is seen as abuse. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but I'm sure its rare and no where near as life threatening as it is for us!

Wild_Artio · 2021-07-28T00:20:17+00:00

I do too. Usually it’s gaslighters, avoidants, or narcissists in denial. My narc ex said he was “walking on eggshells” bc I stuck up for myself when he was demeaning, invalidating, withholding and abusive. If he ever told me he was upset, I listened. But when I was, this was apparently abuse, bc I was not allowed to see him as anything but my God. Assertiveness to an abuser is abuse. Bc they want power.

And that’s the point. I think it’s a rare situation when a woman is abusive, bc men already have the upper hand as far as power in our society.

The exceptions being abuse that occurs with women w bpd, and rarely npd- but… I think usually men with npd attract women with bpd. So then it’s mutually abusive, but still one person taking advantage and abusing power.

And with women w bpd, I’d say that it’s narcissistic men that bring out the disorder, and with someone healthy, they would not respond with borderline behaviors.

So, I’m with you. I find it a rare situation where the man is actually abused. I believe it’s usually a manipulative tactic to get pity- which is a big red flag for pathological behavior.

HamburgerFries8 · 2021-07-27T23:55:50+00:00

Another thing I find odd. If a woman is trying to be physically abusive to an able-bodied man, well most men are stronger than women and there's nothing men can't do to neutralize her, so that could be another indication that the said man is barking up a tree somehow. I hope no one thinks I'm defending men. I'm actually implicating such men.

Newwavesupport3657 · 2021-07-28T02:11:31+00:00

I’ve noticed this in fb mental health groups and yes I always question it.

Men will claim their partner is “withholding sex” and that thats abuse.

I had a man I saw right through him post that his gf didn’t care about his feelings, even though he posted a screenshot of a heartfelt text where she’s almost codependent with her apology but says it won’t work.

And the women are such pick me gullible women they are all coddling him.

So I post as empathetic and he asks if I can give me her email to email her. Then messages me about it; he’s a stalker garnering sympathy.

I don’t buy it most the time. I’m repulsed at how many women who hate women don’t see that they’re liars.

HumanAdhesiveness360 · 2021-07-28T02:43:18+00:00

When men call women narcissists..umm

jenaemare · 2021-07-28T02:39:29+00:00

Yes, I think it's all about reactive abuse. In my worst relationship with a narcissist he played with my head and twisted my reality so much that I'd start hitting myself and screaming. Of course he made me out to be the crazy one because he could speak in a flat monotonous tone but I had emotions so I was crazy.

chasingshoesales · 2021-07-28T04:36:20+00:00

My LVX said his ex wife was abusive because she didn’t leave him alone with their son. He played it off as her being “crazy” and “controlling.” I later realized he was a complete idiot when it came to basic safety cautions.

He once drove his son late at night drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. He was lucky he scraped the shoulder of the road and only scratched the car’s rims before waking up.
He involved his son in an affair he had with a previous ex. His son and his ex’s (who was married) son became best friends. He tried to rekindle their “friendship” while we were together (I’m such an idiot) and she was back with her husband. I drove down with them in fear that this husband might attack them (rightfully so). Like it was really weird my LVX was so adamant on doing this all I could do was tag along in case I had to flee with the boy. The meeting never happened cause the husband didn’t allow it last minute (cause wtf?!)
I adopted a newborn puppy and let him dog sit. I told him to NEVER let go of the leash when she’s outside. She’s a terrier breed so she has a VERY high prey drive meaning if she sees a squirrel (they are everywhere) she WILL chase after it like her life depends on it. Doesn’t matter how much she loves you. She’s a damn infant that doesn’t understand the concept of being lost, hurt, or ran over by a car. He let her walk off leash with 0 training while I was at work. She ran off. He caught her and was lucky she did not get hurt.
I used a retractable leash and told him to NEVER let it go. NEVER. They are dangerous and will hit the dog. Also it can make the dog think they’re getting chased, causing them to run off in fear. He let it go… on the beach. It’s mechanical so the second sand got in it, it immediately jammed and was useless. His reasoning was that he didn’t think a device slamming into my puppy wasn’t that big of a deal…

I eventually realized that if I were unlucky enough to have a baby with him, I also would consider myself a bad mother leaving him alone with the baby. I’d trust a well reviewed teen baby sitter before I trust him.

moon-drag0n · 2021-07-28T01:19:08+00:00

I think that men who are actually abused by their partner (gay men aswell), never talk about it because they are either ashamed or don't realise that they are being abused.

The men who prance around saying they are abused, are full of shit and are attention seeking losers and just throw the word "abuse" around like confetti at a wedding. I may even be so bold to say that they are in fact abusers, maybe not to such an extreme degree.

I imagine those men would look at this post and shit on us so hard but that is because we see through their bullshit.

cherryloaf · 2021-07-28T01:56:59+00:00

In high school a guy decided I was abusive because I reacted negatively to him flirting with other girls through text, and I only found out because one of the girls posted the texts. By "reacted badly" I mean I cried a lot and didn't want to see him for a month.

So yeah, I question it too. I do believe men can be abused and that some women are terrible people, but I think that a lot of people's pride prevents them from admitting what they did wrong in a relationship, so it's easier to pretend that being held to a standard is "abuse".

TellCerseeItWasMe · 2021-07-28T03:22:36+00:00

A month ago there was an AskReddit thread about this

I didn't know what to think about the stuff i read

Glad y'all have cleared it up for me

Winnie6 · 2021-07-28T03:51:36+00:00

Boo hoo...they're so afraid of their SOs...she tells them what (and how much) they can eat, drink, what they can wear that might entice women (or not entice women). These terrible women make their men wash, fold and put away their own clothes. They force them to go shopping, put the food away, and then cook it and do the dishes. They have to go to work each day and not spend their earnings on anything frivolous, like beer. And at the end of the day, if they don't please these women the women will anally rape them with objects and then cut their bodies up and stuff them into a trunk. Happens all the time, trust me.

pretty_kill · 2021-07-28T00:32:40+00:00

I knew/kinda dated a guy who said his ex would punch him and be physically abusive, but it kinda felt like to me like he was milking the sympathy card. Maybe she was genuinely abusive, but it was like an excuse for him being fucked up and not treating me properly.

WestAtmosphere · 2021-07-28T04:26:04+00:00

The ... "my girlfriend is so controlling she won't let me spend money on only fans, get's insecure when I watch porn and like naked insta pics".

Jaelismyhomegirl · 2021-07-27T23:24:23+00:00

I only know of two abused husbands who i would actually consider abused: one was a paraplegic man with an able-bodied wife, and one was a deaf man with a hearing wife. Both of these were situations where the husband was in a position where he was financially or physically dependent on his wife, with limited access to the outside world (due to language barrier or physical disability). So, the same situation that the majority of women are automatically in when they enter relationships with men.

In these situations, i agree that this was a case of an abusive spouse. However, there is nothing keeping an able-bodied, healthy man with an abusive wife. It is so easy for a man to leave, get custody of his kids, and gain employment, that if he is staying in an abusive relationship, it likely because of codependency or mental illness.

pickadaisy · 2021-07-28T03:48:24+00:00

As someone who worked in the domestic violence field for awhile — every time a man complained as the victim, it turned out he was actually the perpetrator of ongoing power and control tactics that eventually led to a woman attacking or defending herself violently because he pushed her into it.

ferociouslycurious · 2021-07-28T04:17:25+00:00

Some women look “abusive” because they literally have to be the only adult in the relationship so they have a credit score above 300 and maintain a driver’s license. (my dad lost his license right before my parents’ honeymoon.) Other times men claim “abuse” and “controlling” when literally everything is happening inside his mind, by himself to himself, without any mention of it to the wife. Self imposed restrictions aren’t abuse, dude…it’s not your wife’s fault you have the reactions of a toddler.

AyemHerself · 2021-07-28T03:31:58+00:00

I've seen guys describe physically abusive girlfriends in a way that painted them as so one-dimensionally evil as to be unrealistic.

Example: girlfriend interrupted his video games to have sex. Had to badger him into sex. He relented and went upstairs. She changed her mind and said she wanted to talk. He got mad and tried to leave the room, but she stopped him by standing in the doorway and slapping his face while laughing and saying "you can't touch me, I'm a girl"

Just, what? I'm not denying that there are some abusive women out there, but at least try to get your creative fiction to make sense.

Pahapan · 2021-07-28T02:19:58+00:00

It's analogous to white people who claim to have experienced racism. It comes from a place of deep ignorance, privilege, intellectual dishonesty and, in some cases, it's an intentional manipulation tactic employed by men who're abusers.

The vast majority of men will NEVER know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who can easily outpower you and most of them can't wrap their minds around how that power differential implicitly informs how you interact with someone you're in an intimate relationship with. Combine that with a patriarchal culture that very much leans misogynistic, men simply aren't vulnerable the way women are and it's almost impossible for them to experience abuse the way women do.

heleninthealps · 2021-07-28T06:08:16+00:00

These men probably think that "a girlfriend" should always be at home with her legs spread ready, smile, make food, clean after him and never challenge or question his choices, insta-likes, laziness, videogame addiction and clubbing everyweekend. Because that's not a girlfriend that's his mom ugh sooo annoying

PinkPetalCdistbeauty · 2021-07-28T00:43:26+00:00

Bless you, someone finally posted it. Fuck outa here with this shit males.

Any_Indication_2754 · 2021-07-28T00:21:49+00:00

1000%

Mysterious_Service_1 · 2021-07-28T04:14:28+00:00

THIS

Pornruinedsociety · 2021-07-28T07:13:09+00:00

Yeah based on my own experience I'm really sceptical about most men who claim to be in abusive relationships, I believe some genuinely are, but I think very rare and I certainly don't believe these redditors especially, considering they are all porn addicts and will most likely be well aware of redpill and other abusive manipulation tactics.

My ex husband said I got moody when he went out with his friends and said it was me being controlling. The reason I was annoyed was that he'd do very little to help with the chores, so bugger off leaving me to and he was too skint to even buy me a coffee, but he'd meet his friends and buy them one.

I felt like anything I did to get him to try and put as much effort in the relationship was met with gaslighting and turning it around to make me the unreasonable person, so in the end I let him go and filed for divorce, I don't know why he was so against the idea of divorce, I thought he'd be happy to be free to his porn and doing what he wants with no expectations from another person, I thought it was the kindest thing for both of us. I was surprised by his reaction because he didn't seem to care. Just goes to show men benefit from marriage, if they are so unhappy they can leave (we had separate finances and renting, no kids together or ties and he had places to go) they are gaslighting manipulators.

Edit lesson learned: if you're not getting your needs met in a relationship and they are unable to meet reasonable expectations, talking to them doesn't work, even being nice about it. Just match their effort or walk away, don't give them a reaction.

bokspring · 2021-07-28T04:49:36+00:00

Women can abuse men. My aunt broke my uncles ribs. Out of nowhere when he was lying in a bed. A few nights after his mother died. She was a terrible woman. I know that’s only his side of the story. Believe me I’m not here to defend men. I know men’s abuse is more likely to be deadly.

It is a reality though that if we, as women, are feeling rage and a desire to hurt others. We mustn’t dismiss it. We must get help.

Davina33 · 2021-07-28T07:12:58+00:00

In my experience abusive people usually pick on those weaker themselves, quite a few mothers are abusive to their children, including my own. My stepfather abused my mother and us children. There are some women who abuse men, albeit not that common. One woman who used to live across the road from me would beat up her husband, she died of Covid-19 this year. Any stories I read on reddit, I don't tend to believe. The incels on here will make up all kinds of posts to make women look bad.

sweetpsychosiss · 2021-07-28T08:37:30+00:00

I hate it when trying to express yourself is labelled as nagging. It seems like their justified way of not having to listen.

Ironsculpture · 2021-07-28T09:00:14+00:00

Men's definition of being abused is not being able to own and take advantage of a woman as they would a slave and not being able to dump their emotional problems on women as if they're their therapists. Men are shamelessly bullshitting us about being abused without an ounce of remorse.

FDS-GFY · 2021-07-28T04:15:32+00:00

This. Not saying it never happens but I agree that way too much emphasis is being put on men’s feelings when domestic violence is overwhelmingly perpetrated by cishet men on cishet women.

Title	I seriously question when men on Reddit say they've been in an abusive relationship with a woman
Author	Bubbly-Risk-3758
Upvotes	531
Comments	141
Date	July 27, 2021 11:03 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/osxfu8/i_seriously_question_when_men_on_reddit_say/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-seriously-question-when-men-on-reddit-say-theyve.795409 https://theredarchive.com/post/795409

Comments