Which is harder? Stay-at-home Parent? Or sole-provider for a family?

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-04-07T00:18:18+00:00

I think both are very difficult in their own way. Being a SAHP can leave you feeling alienated, depressed, you can lose your sense of self, even worse if you're not being appreciated by your family. Being the sole provider can leave you feeling like you're just a piggy bank, like you don't have the time to spend the time you want with your loved ones, and you can feel incredibly stressed out by the fact that everyone depends on you, so better not lose your job.

baiser_vole · 2024-04-07T00:23:17+00:00

Parenting is about making sure your kid grows up right, not about keeping the kid alive. It is about teaching the right values, passing down wisdom and making sure the kid grows into an adult ready for one’s own life. The way we’ve lately been defining the role of parents is messed up imo. Role of a parent is not easy and should not be easy. My mom said my dad did the hard job and my dad said my mom did the most important job.

ConstanceVigilante · 2024-04-07T00:36:33+00:00

Depends on the person’s temperament and the nature of the job the sole provider is doing. For the vast majority of jobs, being the sole provider is probably more difficult. But I find my cushy office job as an engineer much easier than I would find running after a couple of rowdy kids all day.

Something-bothersome · 2024-04-07T00:34:52+00:00

How long? SAHP for the infant years? Until primary school for 2 kids (or three?) or are we talking for life as in a Homemaker? What is the income of the family? Any paid help? Do the kids have special needs?

What kind of employment does the provider have? Any financial safety net as that reduces stress? Income?

You are talking about a huge variety of different experiences and then asking “what’s harder?”

You also need to calculate a wide variety of experiences across a lifetime. Being a SAHP vs a Homemaker really becomes costly upon retirement.

TheCounsellingGamer · 2024-04-07T00:25:07+00:00

I don't have kids but I'd probably say stay at home parent. As an employee I get a lot of benefits that a stay at home parent doesn't. I get 28 days paid holiday every year, paid sick leave, private health insurance (I'm in the UK so this a great perk), and my employer also pays into my pension. Stay at home parents don't get any of that. The biggest plus in my eyes is that I could leave my current job and get a different one if I wanted. If I'm not happy or I find something better, then I simply give my notice and move on.

I can see the benefit in being a stay at home parent, but it can be risky. I've never been comfortable with the idea of relying on someone else for financial security. My mother did that and it meant that when her and my dad split up, she was really up shit creek. She ended up in some really not nice situations because of it. She eventually met my step dad so things have been okay for her for a long time, but after seeing what she went through I vowed never to rely on a man to support me.

WilliamWyattD · 2024-04-07T01:20:58+00:00

It is entirely contextual. One can surmise that if you have a sole provider, then there is a a good chance that the job pays well and is likely somewhat difficult. But of course maybe that isn't true and the family is just living cheaply off of one average job's paycheck.

Similarly, being a SAHM is contextual. What ages are the kids? How many? But in general there is not enough truly productive work for a woman to do at home for her whole adult life. So in some overall sense, given average family sizes, being a SAHM will be easier over a lifetime than working. But then again there is always work to do if you want to do it, even if it is not existentially essential. A mother of two or three kids can still do a lot of work when the kids are teens if she wants to be leader of some kind of 'enriched' UMC life: chauffering everyone to karate practice, dance recitals, etc. Monitoring homework. Coaching and tutoring. Making sure everyone gets into college and doesn't get pregnant or arrested before then can take work.

Mental_Leek_2806 · 2024-04-07T00:47:28+00:00

With kids less than 4 years old, being the stay at home parent is harder. Otherwise being the provider is generally harder.

HotOutcome9161 · 2024-04-07T04:21:49+00:00

It completly depends on what job the Provider has and how many children the SAHP has to deal with.

For me personally, I think being a SAHP is much harder. Even with only 1 child I‘d choose to be the breadwinner.

I like my job. I‘d rather do that than deal with kids 24/7. SAHP don‘t really get appreaciated much. I want that sense of accomplishment that a good salary or a certain job title brings.

richerBoomer · 2024-04-07T00:27:02+00:00

Sole provider here. The more I provide the easier it is for my wife. The better job she does the easier it is for me to provide. When kids are young SAHP is hard. It gets easier.

fucksiclepizza · 2024-04-07T00:27:46+00:00

My job is way easier than being a stay at home parent. My wife does all the hard work.

Perfect-Resist5478 · 2024-04-07T00:35:10+00:00

I could easily do the job I do right now and be the sole provider for a family.

I could never be a SAHM. It’s a no brainer for me

MikeArrow · 2024-04-07T00:46:16+00:00

Depends on the job. If I made enough at my current job to support a family, it would be pretty breezy.

ILikeBird · 2024-04-07T00:49:35+00:00

depends on the age/amount of kids and the job

just_a_place · 2024-04-07T01:13:42+00:00

That's like asking which sucks more: getting shot in the chest, or getting shot in the stomach (assuming you will survive both).

Both suck. So the better question is: How do I avoid getting shot in the first place? 🤔

How do I avoid becoming a cash/labor mule for the entire family?

MidoriEgg · 2024-04-07T08:25:57+00:00

Depends on what job specifically the sole provider does, some jobs are basically social clubs where you make the occasional power point, others are super stressful and/or physically demanding. Also Depends if the sole provider is working a job they actually like and/or are passionate about. If the sole provider is working a job they hate with people they hate that is extremely emotionally and physically taxing I’d say they have it worse.

Fun_Push7168 · 2024-04-07T15:37:05+00:00

Plenty of hard factors to both, but the weight of being solely responsible for finances is very heavy.

You can't accomplish much of anything without money, and even keeping your job can be outside of your control.

Sole provider is more difficult, lose your position for any reason and you'll lose everything.

Ultimately everything comes down to you.

Outside of extremely poor performance to the point of being unfit, you set your own standards entirely as a sahp, so it can be as easy or difficult as youd like it to be.

Of the two, 90% of breathing adults meet the minimum qualifications for sahp. The same can not be said for sole provider. So we have a pretty intuitive answer as to which is more difficult to perform at.

Not to mention, I've been the provider for a family with no sahp, lots of people have, it's doable without one. It is not doable without a provider. One is optional, one is absolutely necessary.

Satan_and_Communism · 2024-04-07T01:42:55+00:00

I think it’s harder to be SAHP until the kids go to school.

Also really depends on the job on both ends.

BoomTheBear86 · 2024-04-07T08:47:01+00:00

Surely this question depends on too many variables?

I mean sole provider….

As a 9-5 in a well air conditioned office with a decent office/desk space?

Or what about a police officer?

What about working the fields?

These are vastly different from each other.

Same for the SAHP thing; one kid? Two? What age are they? Do you have support networks nearby? What’s the local area like regarding opportunities get out of the house?

I feel like questions like this are a thinly veiled way to stoke division and try to award one group medals and poo poo the other.

In truth there is no correct answer because the variables vary too much across each case. For example a person working 10 hour shifts doing break backing labour probably has a harder time than the SAHP with one child under 2. Conversely the person working 9-5 in a social office only having to engage with simple administrative tasks has an easier time than a parent with 2 children under 5.

The important thing is whichever role you occupy you recognise the parts where your partner needs you support and understanding; going both ways. The quickest way to torpedo your relationship is where you imply your partners role is “less taxing” than yours so they “deserve” less leisure/relaxation than you do.

It’s also an odd mindset for a relationship. When you’re with someone if you’re with them for the right reasons you should want to help them out, right? So working partner helps with kids, parenting partner ensures comfort for their partner when they return home and helps them have a mental break where possible. This whole mindset of calculating “who did more, so you expecting me to help you is unfair to me.” Is such a stupid mentality to bring into a partnership.

Traditional_Crew6617 · 2024-04-07T00:22:30+00:00

Ive done both. Each are hard for their own merit but providing is harder. Not just in physical work but mentally

Independent-Mail-227 · 2024-04-07T00:16:21+00:00

Sole-provider, and it's not even a joke.

Orangematcha · 2024-04-07T02:05:24+00:00

Working is harder. It’s similar to how SAHP is more than just the simple tasks. The extras add on to the stress. But if done together and properly it can be possible to balance. But most couples can’t afford a SAHP even though at times it is cheaper than paying a caretaker.

esdebah · 2024-04-07T02:32:10+00:00

my sister in christ, if you have to ask neither is an option. That is: if you're worried about money, forget gender roles because we're all working.

lady_ven0m · 2024-04-07T03:00:26+00:00

They both suck. I would never want to be the sole provider and I wouldn’t want to rely on someone else for my livelihood and care for children full time. Kids are mentally and physically so taxing, especially before the age of 4. I’m never doing that again.

mumblebumblegrumble · 2024-04-07T04:41:10+00:00

Being the sole provider was easier for me. Even when as the sole provider, I was still performing the majority of child rearing and household duties.

Friedrich_Friedson · 2024-04-07T08:38:03+00:00

Full time provider, although stay at home parents leaves you in a biggest disadvantage long term and more dependentant.

The full time provider has to work enormous hours to make up for his wife not working,can do anything to upset his boss because he can lose his job (which limits him on negotiating his wage and/or unionising),if he loses his job everyone is fucked which puts him in an even more pressure.

serinadeee · 2024-04-07T12:31:53+00:00

I don’t feel that this question has any meaningful answer. It all comes down to what you’re good at as an individual.

Take some time to discuss the most efficient way to divide labour with your partner based on both your strengths and weaknesses.

No-Rough-7390 · 2024-04-07T14:36:20+00:00

Having to work + parent

Is greater than

Parent only

This is only a debate if you have been indoctrinated by feminism or some other dumb shit. It’s preferable. Anyone would choose it unless they hate their kids.

Relative-Gearr · 2024-04-07T18:23:06+00:00

I would rather be a stay at home father and raise my kid spend all my time with them and be their role model than stay working 9-5 and overtime to support everyone, come home exhausted barely have enough energy to actively be in their lives as much as I wish I could have been if I didn't have to be exhausted. Simply being present isn't what I'd want.

So I'd say the huge pay offs you get from being a stay at home parent far outweighs the difficulty even if it's harder than working a job. There's more factors in play than simply what's harder. I'd prey to be a stay at home father but many women would not be happy with that unlike men would be with women staying at home.

RespectHefty5063 · 2024-04-08T05:55:49+00:00

I’ve worked full time and also been a stay at home mom. Being a stay at home mom is easier by far. Obviously there are challenges and some days are awful but you are on your own time. You have no boss, no manager. Babies and young children nap during the day and once they start nursery/school everything is on easy mode. You have free time every day to do errands, clean the house etc without the children around. I didn’t actually need to go to work but I got a part time job anyway because I was bored being at home all day every day.

PradaAndPunishment · 2024-04-07T01:06:40+00:00

A five to seven days a week, 9-5 job is exceptionally easier than a 24/7 365 day job that is literally unpaid and I can't believe this is even a discussion.

Lenovo_Driver · 2024-04-07T00:27:30+00:00

Being a sole provider in 2024 is a ticket to unhappiness and opens the door to feeling you’re being taken advantage of the moment you get upset at your partner for any reason.

Being a stay at home parent in 2024 is a ticket to unhappiness and opens the door to feeling you’re under-appreciated the moment you get upset at your partner for any reason.

Entering into these vastly unbalanced relationships in this day and age is a recipe to disaster. Especially with all the talk today of what do you bring to the table. Sole provider seem to believe the built the table/funded its construction, stay at home folks believe the made the table and attend to its maintenance.

sexual_powerhouse · 2024-04-07T07:32:18+00:00

In this economy, being a sole provider is going to be harder automatically. Modern SAHP is a pretty good deal tbh, since it's typically expected that the sole provider comes home and gives the other parent a "break".

I have a unique perspective on this because I've actually worked at a daycare. Taking care of kids is a fucking breeze compared to being in an understaffed customer service department, or doing construction. They are also your kids (will typically only be 1 or 2), and you're in the comfort of your home.

People forget that the sole provider is also a parent. When they are home, they also have to take care of the kid.

Puzzleheaded_Card_71 · 2024-04-07T03:43:38+00:00

Provider is harder. It is harder because it is not a labor of love. Your boss and company don’t love you. You wouldn’t die for your company. You spend your day not with your loved ones but providing for them. You take crap at work and put in the extra hours to not get fired and to hopefully get promotions, all of which gets usually put into your family.

Modern tech has also made the home care stuff much easier particularly with internet buying. By contrast we work more hours now than ever before and the emails and texts if you are white collar never stop.

Like Chris Rock said there are tons of songs about momma but not many about dad taking care of the bills. Kids don’t really understand how you provide everything, and SAHM often take it for granted. It’s a thankless job in so many ways.

Few_Advertising3430 · 2024-04-07T01:12:46+00:00

When there are babies and toddlers I think definitely stay at home parent. There is no time off as a stay at home parent when the kids have not gone to school yet. After that it depends on the type of job and the needs of the children.

Stay at home parents are often unappreciated and can lead to depression when the children get older.

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2024-04-07T01:43:50+00:00

Regardless of which one is actually harder, my experience is that the rhetoric entirely depends on the individual person’s sociopolitical motives.

Want to pedestalize motherhood? Well then staying at home is the hardest job.

Tired of hearing parents complain about parenthood? Then it’s harder to be the provider.

Etc.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2024-04-07T08:44:04+00:00

I much rather work than do chores. I think working and earning money is much easier. Especialy in office jobs, basically it's just sitting at the computer so it easy. But chores are real physical work. And at work you have working hourst after that you have free time, you have weekend and vacation. But chores never end.

Konoha_Shinobee · 2024-04-07T00:23:32+00:00

Sole provider and it's not even close.

Agreeable-Moment-760 · 2024-04-07T02:50:59+00:00

If being a stay at home parent was hard, women wouldn't choose to do it.

rma5690 · 2024-04-07T03:43:50+00:00

Provider. I make my home as therapy after work. Half a SAHMs job is litterally how I decompress. How anyone can spin that as a cross to bare is beyond me.

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Sunshine12e · 2024-04-07T03:06:52+00:00

I was a parent who took my child to work. That was difficult. But, at least I had no worries about the safety of my child. Choice was sealed when sister-in-law lost her job because the daycare shut down due to the death of a baby (baby was insured by an older, mentally handicapped child, who was still younger than school-age. Obviously a clear case of poor supervision on the part of the adults who were present). My husband had some issues and was either not working or not working full time, so did not leave me with many options. Most difficult part was just the extremely long hours that I worked, but at least as it was my own business, we had an office that doubled as a playroom/nap-room.

Medical_Sense5953 · 2024-04-07T04:45:02+00:00

Ummm depends on the country really - in most of the developed world when the caretaking lacks a provider and is unable to provide for their family, the government steps in and provided those things.

alwaysright12 · 2024-04-07T10:06:55+00:00

Too many variables.

I'd say being a working parent (if you do it right) is much harder than being a sahp

Upset_Material_3372 · 2024-04-07T11:08:46+00:00

Depends entirely on the job, income and amount of kids. At a higher income you can pay out a lot of things making stay at home parent much easier then sole provider but at lower income it will be closer and will likely depend on the job.

Economy-Shake-1448 · 2024-04-07T14:46:58+00:00

It depends on your job, if you hate it or not, the hours, and your salary. Two examples:

A professional who loves their job is going to have a different story than an unskilled laborer who hates it. An ICU nurse working night shifts at a hospital with a lot of drama and politics is going to have a different story than a nurse working for a local government clinic at an 8-5 job with weekends and holidays off.

Obvious_Smoke3633 · 2024-04-07T16:34:22+00:00

I work 50-60 hour weeks in a male dominated manual labor field, and I would still choose the sole provider over being a SAHP. At work, I get to interact with other adults. Get benefits, PTO, vacation, and paid holidays. 45 minute paid lunch so I can still be in silence and enjoy my food. I can't imagine being isolated at home all day without other adults or any time solely to myself.

apresonly · 2024-04-07T17:31:11+00:00

i'd 100% choose sole provider every time.

And i like kids!

but 1) watching small children is soul sucking 2) being financially dependent is my #1 life nightmare

Silver_Past2313 · 2024-04-07T17:33:17+00:00

Stay at home parent is harder for men, sole provider is harder for women.

spaffjizz · 2024-04-07T18:01:31+00:00

It depends on how many kids you have. I work with children so I know how difficult it is constantly supervising multiple children.

But then some jobs are harder than that, so depends really.

bluestjuice · 2024-04-07T19:30:09+00:00

Ergh, it’s really a hard thing to answer even in good faith.

SAHPing is emotionally taxing. It’s extremely solitary in the sense that you don’t get much opportunity to have adult conversations. Yet simultaneously you can barely think much of the time because small kids are nonstop chaos machines; they are loud, they are emotionally dialed up all the time; they want to know what you’re doing and be where you are all the time, yet they are not actually helpful so simple tasks take longer and are more difficult than they otherwise would. Your time and attention is not really your own as any moment something can and will come up and you’ll be expected to pivot. You spend most of the day engaged and doing things but at the end of it all you don’t necessarily have much tangible to show for it — the cleaned things don’t stay that way for very long, the growth and educational moments are all internal and typically occur over a long timeframe, and often it’s hard to even share that disorienting experience with your working partner when they come home, because it’s such a weird unrelatable thing. It’s very easy as a SAHP to lose track of your own identity and for the days to blur into one another in an unending routine of diapers, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, crumbs, and naptimes. There is beauty and joy and laughter in this life too, but it’s hard.

Sole provider is also hard. Your days have routine, and clearer deliverables and expectations, but you often have less control over what is expected of you and little flexibility over the structure of your time. You have to deal with all the normal frustrations and annoyances of the workplace. Knowing that your family’s livelihood rests in your hands exacerbates any stress and anxiety you may feel about your employment situation — for example, a layoff is now threatening to the entire household, instead of having a partner’s income to float you while you find a new job. Spending less time at home means that all of your home and family time gets compressed into a shorter timeframe, and you may feel like you’re shortchanging the people you care about most. Role conflict is a huge pressure. It’s likely that you’ll feel crunched for time and as though you can’t succeed in all of your roles without sacrificing in others.

tiddermacss · 2024-04-07T04:10:34+00:00

whichever woman in majority are currently doing automatically becomes the harder choice..

thedarkracer · 2024-04-07T01:31:26+00:00

Provider, you can hire a nanny for the other work. I know families where both work. I also comes from a same family and I was put in boarding school.

Teflon08191 · 2024-04-07T04:41:23+00:00

Well, on one hand the sole provider needs to figure out how to become a top ~10% earner so they can comfortably support a family by themselves. They also get to endure forever the burden of knowing that if they ever fail, their family will suffer for it.

On the other hand, PTA meetings are pretty tough...

Prudent-Conflict-557 · 2024-04-07T01:11:42+00:00

Watching my best friend.. SAHP. But ultimately it’s probably a personal preference

Safinated · 2024-04-07T01:42:12+00:00

They seem about equal in effort, but I know who’s got less status and is fucked if things go south

AidsVictim · 2024-04-07T07:08:30+00:00

The answer largely depends on the job the sole provider has. Comfortable office job then it's about even probably. Manual labour 50 hours a week then it's much harder and damaging.

Muted_Preparation_13 · 2024-04-07T03:02:19+00:00

Lmaoo

of course its harder watching tv and telling the kids to shut up while you fukk the neighbor

Fearless_Finding_923 · 2024-04-07T04:17:15+00:00

Lmao these answers crack me up

There is no stay at home parent without a provider. Providing is obviously harder excluding scenarios like inheritance and whatnot. No matter how hard the SAHP job is, you’re expected to provide for them as well as a child

Smergmerg432 · 2024-04-07T00:40:33+00:00

I think sole provider is more important and SAHP is more depressing. So, both hard in different ways that can’t be compared?

silverhippo15 · 2024-04-07T00:25:58+00:00

Money is what allows everything else to happen so obviously providing

Ok-Remove3693 · 2024-04-07T04:16:33+00:00

Provider is infinitely harder are you kidding me?

Gilmoregirlin · 2024-04-07T01:51:00+00:00

I think both are difficult in their own ways. But at least the sole provider generally has days off. A stay at home parent never does.

purplish_possum · 2024-04-07T06:53:14+00:00

Keep baby humans alive is very easy. Way easier than keep tropical fish or reptiles alive. It's hardly even a job.

Slow-Ad8380 · 2024-04-07T04:01:18+00:00

I have been both. It's not going to be the same experience for everyone but this is just my experience.

I was a stay at home mom from the time my daughter was born until kindergarten age. Then life threw me a curve ball and I am now the sole provider.

Hands down stay at home parent with a new baby was harder. It was constant. There was no relief or days off or breaks. It was isolating. I didn't have much help from family or a nanny. I breastfed for 2 years.

I truly enjoy going to work just to get out of the house and away from home life for a chunk of my day. There is a different kind of pressure being the sole provider, I have to hold it all down

I wouldn't trade my time at home with her when she was little for the world though and I'm grateful for it.

CatchPhraze · 2024-04-07T02:30:32+00:00

Stay at home parent. Longer hours, no pay.

holyskillet · 2024-04-07T01:49:31+00:00

Stay-at-home parent is a harder job because you can't bullshit your way through. If you don't make dinner and don't clean and don't parent, then your family is falling apart.

You'll be surprised how many smart and lazy people get their degree in STEM, slide past the filter into some corporation and contribute absolutely nothing or very little while playing social 4d chess. They are not becoming vice presidents, but they do get good money. Just saying, if your goal is survival, once you are hired, you can do the bare minimum - which is not a lot - and stay in your role through forces of inertia. Most people are not characters of wolf of wallstreet or american psycho.

Title	Which is harder? Stay-at-home Parent? Or sole-provider for a family?
Author	Windmill_flowers
Upvotes	0
Comments	223
Date	April 7, 2024 12:07 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1bxqe13/which_is_harder_stayathome_parent_or_soleprovider/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/which-is-harder-stay-at-home-parent-or-sole.1514270 https://theredarchive.com/post/1514270

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