What do you consider cheating?

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-01-22T23:49:27+00:00

Actively flirting with someone else.

xothrowmeaway · 2024-01-23T00:02:31+00:00

For me, its anytime you hide something. As soon as you're being sneaky that's breaking the bond

SecondEldenLord · 2024-01-22T23:51:04+00:00

Any intimate action with someone else is cheating, like flirting , holding hands, kissing, etc.

Acceptable_Parking96 · 2024-01-22T23:50:23+00:00

Taking any action of affection towards someone you're sexually/romantically into who isn't your partner

Sad_and_grossed_out · 2024-01-23T00:05:31+00:00

Can I just ask, is there a reason why some of you guys who are so worried about your girlfriend going to bars to be shady don't just go to the bars and clubs with your girlfriend?? Me and my husband go out to see live music and socialize pretty frequently, when we want to go out we just go out together??

RubyDiscus · 2024-01-23T04:55:30+00:00

I don't think going to a bar or flirting is cheating.

I think when it gets physical, that's cheating.

To say just going somewhere that's more likely for hookups = cheating, that's just a slippery slope argument.

bluestjuice · 2024-01-22T23:52:17+00:00

Cheating is violating the agreements you and your partner(s) have made regarding sexual, romantic, or other intimate behaviors. It’s usually compounded by dishonesty which makes the violation even more hurtful.

I’m polyamorous so we all know my agreements aren’t going to line up with most people’s, but I think this definition works fine for monogamous folks too. Where people tend to run into trouble is by making assumptions instead of actually having conversations about these behaviors and making explicit agreements.

For what it’s worth, even in a monogamous relationship, I would consider mild flirting or dressing nicely and ‘getting noticed’ in public to be completely fine. Others feel differently, though, which is why it’s important to seek out relationships where your comfort levels are similar enough to reach stable agreements.

Triglycerine · 2024-01-23T04:05:47+00:00

If you have to hide it it's probably cheating.

thetruthishere_ · 2024-01-23T04:55:20+00:00

When Im in a committed relationship I dont flirt or hang around other men without my man. If so he knows all about it.

Also sorry my man can go to a bar without me with his friends and its not cheating. If I dont trust my man to go out we should not be together. Im good with my man having guy time. I think 'bro time' is a good thing.

I can go to a darn club without my man and not cheat, not dance with other men, etc.

That said, really if I were to go 'clubbing' hes coming with me. Or hes out with his friends and we meet up later.

If I cant trust my man and he cant trust me its over.

I always dress to the gills and I like men that do too.

If you're that paranoid about your parent going out, dont date.

Now, if your partner is all of the sudden going out and dressing up and never did before, thats suspicious.

slavette6 · 2024-01-23T09:35:08+00:00

I agree that flirting is cheating, and in your drink scenario, both cases are cheating. As you said, it never starts purely physically. People often start with emotional cheating, which leads to physical cheating. I would also count messaging another person in a sketchy/flirty way behind partner's back as cheating. Not to mention intimate physical contact like hand holding, cuddling, etc. Anything that indicates intimacy/sexual undertones.

MistyMaisel · 2024-01-23T02:39:43+00:00

My man wouldn't blink twice about me going out with the girls dressed to kill. Nor would I blink at him going out with the boys looking fine. Frankly, we both always look good in basically everything.

If someone offered me a drink individually, I'd turn it down and say i am committed and vice versa. If he pushes past that, I'm taking the drink and then as soon as I have it telling him to get lost. Boyfriend would get a chuckle and so would I.

Offering to buy a drink outside of a group is always inappropriate.

Outside of the scenarios you mention, I'm only really against physical and emotional shit. I don't mind flirting and neither does he. We both enjoy the game of it and the witticism as a non serious affair. Both of us would flirt with a wall if it could keep up.

Most_Read_1330 · 2024-01-23T07:37:35+00:00

Anything that you wouldn't want the partner to know about

ConanTheCybrarian · 2024-01-23T10:34:37+00:00

If my husband cheated on me I'd probably feel more like Ron Burgundy when Baxter ate the whole wheel of cheese.

I would not care at all if he lightly flirted with someone else, especially if he did it comedically.

What I would consider cheating would be:

some combination of fostering emotional intimacy, keeping secrets, spending significant time, and having inside jokes in a relationship with another woman
fantasizing about being with other women
any sexual contact with someone else

DreaminInChocolate · 2024-01-22T23:51:52+00:00

Now for the ladies if your man goes out with the guys dressed up and he comes back and tells ya the next day that he only bought a drink for a girl is that cheating?

No, but if he was flirting with the intent to hook up or date then yes, that is trying to cheat.

TidyMess123 · 2024-01-23T02:02:20+00:00

I think we can all agree that purposely flirting for women constitutes cheating. Where the conflict arises is when dressing up when going out without your significant other constitutes and attempt to flirt. There are many more reasons women dress up in this context that have nothing to do with free drinks and exchanging in flirtation.

I go to clubs on my own to see artists that I enjoy perform. I dress up for social reasons. I get treated better by everybody, especially other women and especially the bartender when it comes to speedy service, which I want because so am buying all my own drinks. It also makes it much easier to tell men to get the fuck away from me and have them actually listen. The line gets drawn at calling that cheating.

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Adorable_sor_1143 · 2024-01-23T06:53:42+00:00

You are referring to emotional cheating. The key is in intamate, doesn't need to be sexual.

so for example if you are a couple and you go out to a club or bar with our your SO that's cheating women dress up for bars and clubs with the intent of getting attention and free drinks...

A real intention? Because we can argue on that

Just be extremely careful not to fall on controlling behaviour justification.

so for example if you are a couple and you go out to a club or bar with our your SO that's cheating women dress up for bars and clubs with the intent of getting attention and free drinks... Men go to these to try and get laid... So I present to you this example ( I'll present a male and female scenario) for the men if your lady goes out dressed to kill knowing what goes on in bars, so if shegoes and she lets a man buy her a drink is that cheating? Now for the ladies if your man goes out with the guys dressed up and he comes back and tells ya the next day that he only bought a drink for a girl is that cheating?

I mean it depends on intent entirely. We can't prevent other people's reactions at all, we can't prevent things like be flirted with etc from happening I personally feel that if you don't take active action for something then there is no harm in your part. I expect that you act a certain way, I'm not holding you responsible for other people behaviour.

I mean if you purpose It's to get laid then in my understanding you are cheating. To get yourself drinks is morally questionable but unless you intent to reciprocate to earn more it wouldn't be cheating The same goes to your question. "Why" did he bought her drinks? If he meant something harmless then it's not cheating. If he meant as a way to flirt then it is.

My thoughts process is this cheating never starts off as immediately physical for men it's playful flirting and women is flirting and fantasies...

Fantasies? Care to elaborate

TheGreatBeefSupreme · 2024-01-23T11:18:13+00:00

If it’s something that would make me feel like I needed to hide it from wife, it’s cheating.

Comfortable-Dare-307 · 2024-01-23T13:53:42+00:00

Any behavior that is intended to lead to sex. Flirting, intimate emotional connection, holding hands or kissing, and, of course, sexual related activities.

Trouvette · 2024-01-23T15:30:41+00:00

Would you be comfortable with your partner knowing everything about your relationship with the other person? If not, it’s cheating.

TheImmortalBantha · 2024-01-23T17:21:52+00:00

Rights as a man only exist as far as you enforce them. If you refuse to get your wife to treat you well then you don't deserve to be treated well.

ventingb4ikms · 2024-01-23T19:56:10+00:00

flirting, any intimate contact (kissing, anything sexual/romantic) dates, romantic outings)

Willowgirl2 · 2024-01-23T22:08:25+00:00

Anytime you do or say some you wouldn't want your partner to see or hear.

wonder-garden · 2024-01-22T23:51:09+00:00

I actually agree with but many of the people here will disagree with you and insist that people cheat in other places. But bars are hub for single people to meet though and that doesn't mean people can't cheat anywhere else but the social connotation of bars, so it's natural to assume that where people go to cheat. But we need research done to show where people cheat more so we can only assume for know.

I agree with you that cheating starts of that flirty phase and cute interactions. Like a guy coworker offering rides or lady coworker texting you at late night. To me these are signs of cheating

KayRay1994 · 2024-01-23T03:29:53+00:00

I would say a kiss is when i’d probably start counting it as cheating - physical flirting is where i’d start to get concerned, but it isn’t cheating. Anything that isn’t physical (ie. harmless verbal flirting) is something i’m totally fine with, sometimes its just meaningless fun and that’s that

Bouldershoulders12 · 2024-01-22T23:54:04+00:00

Cheating isn’t just physical it’s emotional too.

And like you mentioned there’s almost always actions that led up to it. People don’t slip and fall into sex, kissing, etc

I think most people share the same sentiments as to what cheating is but for things that are grey area where it’s ambiguous such as flirting, texting other guys, keeping orbiters, still friends with ex’s/past sexual partners, it’s always good to discuss boundaries as to what you will not tolerate as well.

As a guy I will say you need to find someone on your program because women live in the grey area when it comes to infidelity. They’ll use plausible deniability to avoid accountability and agency for actions. And they’ll trickle truth and gaslight

That’s why a lot of times you’ll hear women tell their BF : “It just happened”, “I checked out” , “it was just a kiss” . Whereas with men that I’ve known they know what they’re doing is wrong and just want to hide it . With women once she even emotionally cheats you done lost her because women are emotional. When women cheat they are now attached to that guy and if they fuck or get physical which they 99.9% will, she will complete the branch swing and tell everyone how you guys broke up because of insert reason and she “checked out”

BL4CK_AXE · 2024-01-23T02:33:35+00:00

The proper question is how do you set the proper boundaries so these situations don’t happen and if they do you are wise and capable enough to abandon the relationship. These situations don’t come down to “you deserve better” or “is it right or wrong to leave” but more so individuals who introduce any level of ambiguity into a relationship without extenuating circumstances likely don’t need to be involved in any sort of intimacy. Just think about how the pairing of the words intimate and uncertain/ambiguous sound together (imo it leaves a bad taste in my mouth)

stoic4343 · 2024-01-23T00:41:50+00:00

Physical contact or conduct in a public place people assume the two are having sex

Scarce12 · 2024-01-23T03:24:16+00:00

If you intentionally compartmentalise sex partners as FWBs, ONS, boyfriend, husband material, I think that's a form of cheating.

It creates a dishonesty in a relationship, where we tell our partners we love them and lust after them but really we don't, we compartmentalise them and are just using them for something that truly isn't monogamy, under the pretence of monogamy.

Which is why everyone cheats in many ways, and everyone needs to work at monogamy and making amends and stop thinking monogamy as something owed to them after a period of promiscuity.

MikeArrow · 2024-01-23T00:34:24+00:00

Have to be honest, I was in a relationship for years and the idea of cheating just never came up. On my side or hers. I can't speak for other relationships but like, it's 2024. We should all be kind to one another. I assumed that, at least culturally speaking, cheating is something that only really happens in old movies. Like it's such an odd thing to even conceive of outside of a "that's a thing that used to happen in the olden days" perspective.

Safinated · 2024-01-22T23:49:32+00:00

If we are going by actions, not intent, interacting with a member of the opposite sex is cheating

Unsurprisingly, people who prioritize form over content, like strict conservatives, actually believe this

Personally, I make a distinction between cheating and trying to cheat, although the difference is almost negligible

OtPayOkerSmay · 2024-01-23T01:00:37+00:00

she lets a man buy her a drink is that cheating?

A taken woman accepting a drink isn't cheating, she's being a shitty human.

horn1k · 2024-01-23T00:08:39+00:00

he only bought a drink for a girl is that cheating?

That's a crime for sure. Better fuck the girl, it's less cheating.

lets a man buy her a drink is that cheating?

I would like to have a free drink too. If she's just using men to get free stuff, I think it's okay. If she's an attention whore, I wouldn't be ok with that.

Nihi1986 · 2024-01-23T03:56:12+00:00

There's a difference between what I consider cheating and what I'm willing to endure in a relationship with s modern woman.

Flirting is cheating on a certain level and I won't tolerate it. Relying on another man for emotional support could be emotional cheating too, though it depends on some factors (their status as friends, time they spend, subjects...).

Attention seeking is...well, how the f*uck do you stop that without becoming the abussive asshole...?? I know plenty of women who admit how bad and toxic is that, who think a man would be right to get angry over that, but if they decide there's nothing wrong and you are just being an asshole then it's a firm sentence: you are an asshole who doesn't let her be happy and do what she likes (you better don't ask her what she 'likes' about posting certain pictures).

Physical intimacy and sexting(or anything remotely close) is, obviously, cheating, though polyamory is getting stronger nowadays and eventually there will be a big amount of men who will pretend to be fine with certain behaviours, but we aren't there yet...

Tip: be careful with how you talk and word this stuff. Telling a woman she can have as many friends as she wants can be interpreted as 'you are allowed to hangout with that guy from the gym who never should've been allowed to get so close as an acquaintance' or 'you can flirt with and even kiss/get touchy with your friends as long as they always had had that dynamic with you'. I'm not kidding you, you better set very clear boundaries early in the relationship if you insist on dating women who aren't really gf material.

mybotisonfire · 2024-01-23T06:30:25+00:00

Balls deep in another human and getting caught.

Everything else is fair game.

3gm22 · 2024-01-23T00:01:19+00:00

Since women experience love as emotional, any time she seeks emotional validation from tv shows and friends, when she should be doing so with her husband. Drama tv is porn for women. When she relies on other men, instead of her husband, for the feeling of comfort and safety.

This is the same as when men seek all those things through the sexual submission of another woman.

Both are cheating.

Except one has been normalized. Hence why most women, are whores, to varying degrees.

McTitty3000 · 2024-01-23T00:39:12+00:00

Exactly what you said, sexual contact with somebody else, I don't care what kind of agreement somebody has if a woman comes up to me and says that her husband cheated on her because he watched porn I in no way shape or form will take that seriously lol

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januaryphilosopher · 2024-01-23T07:56:52+00:00

There needs to be either physical, sexual contact (all the way down to including kissing) or explicitly expressing your intention to date or have sexual contact with a person to that person. Thinking about cheating is not cheating. Leaving the house to potentially cheat is not cheating. Giving or receiving attention isn't cheating. Being given a gift or giving one is not cheating. Wearing a particular style of clothes is not cheating. Clubbing is not cheating. Doing something that a cheater is likely to do is not cheating, only the actual act of cheating counts. Certainly strangers aren't usually buying each other drinks without any sexual contact taking place, so it would make sense to be suspicious of cheating, but the act itself without anything else isn't cheating.

Planthoe30 · 2024-01-23T09:03:57+00:00

Going to a bar with friends isn’t cheating. I am thinking of a wing woman/wing man situation. I don’t go to bars often it’s not my scene (maybe once a year). Why does it matter how someone is dressed? If I am going to a bar of course I’m going to dress nice. No one goes to a bar in sweatpants.

I guess if it was a weekly thing then I’d probably be wondering if we are growing apart, or there was something going on because you should desire to spend some of your free time with your partner. If my husband told me he bought a drink for a random girl I’d not consider it cheating but I would absolutely be pissed and it would make me feel less trusting of him. If it was a friend of his I met I wouldn’t care.

RodVerga · 2024-01-23T09:29:26+00:00

That depends on your boundaries, and the early frame announcement.

If she’s telling you early on "i like to go out to nightclubs." Then she’s going to nightclubs, so she won’t drop her habits just for you.

You can then say that you usually don’t date girls who do this, and the rest isn’t in your control anyways.

You might not want to judge, complain or negotiate your boundaries while dating, but you can always decide to give her freedom to screw it up if she wants to. And when she does something that is a dealbreaker you either let it be with dating or you move on accept that it was just a short term relationship.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2024-01-23T10:13:57+00:00

Cheating is different in different relationships

It’s why communication is so important, you agree between you what’s acceptable and what isn’t, if they a hugely different then the relationship is probably not going to work

obviousredflag · 2024-01-23T12:16:40+00:00

So I think we all can agree that any intimate or sexual contact of any kind with someone you're not dating is cheating....

NO! We can't! Because cheating is crossing the boundaries of the rules of an individual relationship. You did not even define what sexual contact is. Do you just expect everyone to have the same understanding of that?

All of my relationships had different rules regarding acceptable behavior with other people.

Anytime you knowingly seek attention or approval from a member of the opposite sex that is not a family member

Were you ever able to find a relationship partner who agreed to those rules?

Also:

Women married to more possessive, controlling or jealous husbands are more likely to be unfaithful as well.[7] Women who experience this type of behaviour from their partners are more likely to show mate guarding resistance particularly by using covert tactics.[18]

Comfortable-Regret · 2024-01-23T13:48:56+00:00

Let a man buy her a drink? I wouldn't consider it cheating, but I'd be uncomfortable if they chatted without her telling him she's already with someone. Bought someone else a drink? Presumably a stranger? That's an issue, those drinks are expensive and if my partner went out of their way to spend money just to chat with a random girl at the bar, we'd be having words.

That's if I was in a totally monogamous relationship though. I don't particularly care if my partner flirts a bit with others, as long as we talk before it goes any further. I'd still consider it cheating if they kissed or did any intimate touching.

detectiveDollar · 2024-01-23T14:53:06+00:00

Imo, it's anytime you do/say something with/to someone you have the potential to be sexually attracted to that you wouldn't do in front of your partner. This is assuming your partner is reasonably secure and not jealous/controlling, and what you're doing goes beyond asking for counsel/friendly advice.

That can be flirting, sex, texting/calling, going out to lunch, or even seeking out a friendship. If you feel the need to hide it from your partner and especially if you feel the need to lie, it's likely cheating.

Even if nothing saucy has happened yet, if you're hiding it and developing this relationship/friendship in secret, it will eventually lead there. Even if you don't have sex until after a breakup, it's still cheating since everything that led up to it started before.

CringeEating · 2024-01-23T14:55:20+00:00

so do gay people get a pass since it's opposite sexes only

mindlesscat01 · 2024-01-23T19:07:10+00:00

for me, any physical or emotional intimacy with anyone that is not your partner and feeling the need to lie/withhold truth. I believe thinking someone else is attractive (who is not your partner) is not cheating BUT if you escalate towards romantically pursuing them, flirting,trying to get their attention/approval, etc. then most definitely that's cheating. Also having genuine crushes on other people is cheating. I had an ex-friend who would have crushes & get mad if other people would pursue them even when they had a partner.... that's definitely cheating imo

Specific_Praline_362 · 2024-01-24T07:02:10+00:00

My husband doesn't do bars. I do, but only occasionally. I don't let men buy me drinks, or if they do, I buy them one back so I don't "owe them." I actually learned that YEARS ago when I was single. Never let a man buy you a $12 drink, he thinks you owe him your full attention and probably a blowjob or something. Fuck that.

gabishes · 2024-01-25T01:43:01+00:00

I think Instagram DMs is flirting, also onlyfans monetary support

Title	What do you consider cheating?
Author	Gold_Supermarket1956
Upvotes	5
Comments	289
Date	January 22, 2024 11:38 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/19da27x/what_do_you_consider_cheating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-do-you-consider-cheating.1243548 https://theredarchive.com/post/1243548

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