Is it controlling to want your girlfriend to not go clubbing?

527east · 2024-01-24T04:50:50+00:00

You set boundaries for yourself but not for others. You let her know you're not comfortable with her going clubbing. You go with her. If it's for girls night or whatever and you don't like it let her know the relationship is over. And be willing to walk away.

DaaverageRedditor · 2024-01-24T05:29:28+00:00

Whats honestly the difference between saying "don't do X or I will break up with you" and just breaking up over that reason

Like one is framed as fine to do the other is framed as controlling. In reality, "don't do X or I break up"gives the other party a choice in the matter.

Sadsad0088 · 2024-01-24T05:52:22+00:00

clubbing is either for picking up people or enjoying attention

So unless we go together we don’t go

fiftypoundpuppy · 2024-01-24T04:50:49+00:00

This isn't a personal advice sub. How do you people even get here?

That said: three months ago you were almost 19 with a 16-year-old girlfriend.

It's hard to imagine a 16-year-old going clubbing all the time 🤷🏿

ej_theraider · 2024-01-24T06:30:11+00:00

I find it disingenuous that some women in this sub are defending her going to a club by herself while in a relationship. You have to also understand risk mitigation. Am I more likely to get robbed walking down the street in a gated community..or in a suburb that's NOTORIOUS for robberies?...(illustrating that clubs are NOTORIOUS for horny folks, alcohol (which inhibits your decision making) and sex).

Imagine if ur bf told you "hEy bAbE i'M gOiNg tO tHe sTrIp cLuB fOr fUn" 😶. Ik FOR A FACT y'all would put on a WHOLE CIRCUS, but because it's a man putting boundaries on a relationship it's "controlling" or "insecure". And you wonder why the men in this sub are so quick to dismiss your thoughts..YOU WONDER WHY 🤯. (Referring to the 💩 heads defending this farce)

xhamsterdotco_m · 2024-01-24T06:39:59+00:00

Absolutely not dude it’s a safety hazard

As a guy who works in the industry hell nah, I wouldn’t want my girlfriend/wife anywhere near a night club. Me and my colleagues have carried out girls who are paralysed and can’t stand from being drink spiked. I’ve seen plenty of bystanders men and women end up bleeding on the pavement after becoming collateral damage between violent drunks fighting. Harassment like the ones you described is extremely common, and so is groping. My buddy once busted a toilet door down because a girl was getting raped inside. Hell, a news article came out about a girl being raped by a guy twice her age… worst part is it came out the guy had followed her from the club I work at. Now yall might think I’m exaggerating but a lot of heavy shit goes on in these shady places you don’t notice.

Now let’s get down to relationship dynamic. No woman in a committed relationship has any place being in a night club. Only way I find it acceptable is if you’re there with her… but let me guess, her and her “friends” wouldn’t allow it? Also she shouldn’t be around hanging out with other guys without you present (with the exception being work or professional setting). Girls often dress quite revealing when they go out to clubs , if your girl does this that is also a massive no dude. She shouldn’t be dressing revealing around other men who aren’t you. If she doesn’t obey or listen to you then she don’t respect you or the relationship.

Hope this helps dude

OmoshiroiKudamono · 2024-01-24T05:27:44+00:00

The question isn't "Is it controlling," but, WHY are you even bothering to change her.

If she says "I'm going clubbing," YOU need to say, "Go ahead. You are free to do that. But when you come back, I (or a commitment) will NOT be here when you return."

You need to (a) leave her or (b) keep her in the fun zone. She is NOT ready for a serious relationship. If she wants to act single, that is okay. Keep her single. Let her do her. Let her live her life and worry about you.

SupposedlySapiens · 2024-01-24T04:52:52+00:00

Modern Western women won’t want to hear it, but your concerns are valid and it’s a completely appropriate boundary to set. Even if she genuinely has zero intention of ever cheating on you, repeatedly putting herself in situations where it could happen just isn’t a good idea.

fuckredditmodz69 · 2024-01-24T06:16:22+00:00

This is not the kind of woman you get in a relationship with. She's the clubs girlfriend. Having boundaries is good and dating girls that don't do this kind of shit is one YOU should have.

SteveSan82 · 2024-01-24T08:09:35+00:00

Dump her. The only reason a woman goes clubbing is to find dick or to find your replacement

illusoryfindings · 2024-01-24T08:14:49+00:00

Nah, but girls who enjoy clubbing will tell you it is lool

A lot of women who don't like your boundaries will accuse you of being controlling, insecure, manipulative, misogynistic. It doesn't mean you actually are those things.

There's nothing controlling about stating "This behaviour makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who does it."

You're making your boundary known, and you're giving her the opportunity to decide if she wants to respect it or not. That's nothing but communicative and respectful about wants and needs in a relationship. If anyone tries to spin it any other way, just laugh.

If you don't want to date a club girl, there's nothing wrong with that at all. There's plenty of women out there who'd never step foot in a club.

LotBuilder · 2024-01-24T06:17:27+00:00

It is not insecure. There is behavior she single people participate in and those that attached people don’t. Attached people who are happy in their relationship don’t spend time in night clubs. I would be clear that she is free to do whatever she wants but you will not be in a exclusive committed relationship with a girl that spends her weekends clubbing. The ball is in her court, she can behave like a GF or be single, she can’t do both.

PS, she will cheat on you if she hasn’t. Nobody is forcing her to drink too much, she is intentionally doing that so she can then avoid responsibility for her actions. She knows exactly what situations she is inviting into her life and she is throwing it in your face then gaslighting you.

AMDisappointment · 2024-01-24T06:32:49+00:00

It's not. That's your boundary for the relationship.

Mocha636 · 2024-01-24T06:33:41+00:00

She wants to be single

hydro908 · 2024-01-24T07:33:42+00:00

She’s cheating wake up , nobody goes to clubs unless there trying to hookup or find a new bf

Maelas84 · 2024-01-24T07:49:43+00:00

It is NOT controlling at all. If your partner loves/respects you, they would respect your lines..and you would respect theirs....within reason of course.

If its a no go for you and she chooses to go anyway, then you have a decision to make: 1. compromise 2. leave.

wonder-garden · 2024-01-24T05:22:59+00:00

Look man here is my advice, controlling is a problematic behavior but the thing is you don't have to date her though. This important all men and even women need to hear. Our insecurities are more important than a romantic partner. If a partner fails to respect and empathize with our insecurities dump them. Liberal society is demonizing insecurities more so than the problematic behaviors that are associate with them.

mike-sonko · 2024-01-24T04:48:53+00:00

Yes it's controlling. But it's also you maintaining your boundaries. However all you can do is control what's within your control. You can't dictate what someone else does. Best thing here is to leave since you are no longer compatible.

RealMenEatPussy · 2024-01-24T05:00:21+00:00

She has no reason to be slutting it up at the club without you.

FlexodusPrime · 2024-01-24T05:37:15+00:00

Just break up. She’s going because she wants attention from other men

fakingandnotmakingit · 2024-01-24T06:03:20+00:00

It's a measure of compatibility

You set the boundary of "I will not date someone who goes clubbing"

It's up to her to either leave or adhere to your boundary. That is all.

h1shman · 2024-01-24T06:44:18+00:00

Never demand anything from a woman. Don’t even bring up her not going anymore.

Ask her if she would be upset or feel disrespected if you kept going to clubs and women were repeatedly asking you to go to the washroom and feeding you drinks.

My guess is she will say yeah I’d be upset. Then just leave it at that. Literally just say “I see” or “ok”. Then if she doesn’t by her own desire remove herself from that situation go from there.

SsRapier · 2024-01-24T06:56:45+00:00

No it isnt, but its probably not worth the trouble trying to change it. Also remember her that theres a chance of her being roofied.

Bouldershoulders12 · 2024-01-24T07:04:12+00:00

Those are your standards. If she doesn’t like it she is free to leave or you remove yourself. You can’t control anyone but yourself.

Queen_Maxima · 2024-01-24T07:26:41+00:00

I work as an event manager and organise raves for almost 20 years. I am also a happily married woman, monogamous, with a conservative man.

I have worked at and organised over 400 raves and festivals in multiple clubs in multiple countries all over the continent. I also do music performance. So i guess i can give you a perspective from someone with experience.

The majority of the people who visit are there for the music, both male and female. Of course there are visitors who come to get laid, but it's more comparable to people visiting concerts. Maybe it depends on the genre.

If your girlfriend is getting bothered by guys, she should talk to security. I make sure i am there for women being harassed at my events, because i think safety is very important.

If you don't like girls who visit clubs or festivals, don't date them. It is not that complicated. But the most important thing is that if you do not trust your girlfriend, do not have a relationship with her, it just gives both of you lot of stress.

Edit: i read your comment about your girl keeping questionable friends who force alcohol down her throat and trying to have sex with her, that is NOT ok! If she wants to go out, she needs to learn how to set clear boundaries, and she should be able to maintain them. At some point in her life a woman learns how many guys can be, and she should be able to make it clear that she doesn't accept certain behaviour from random guys. That is just life for many women. Maybe your girl is still young? If she doesn't want to dump these "friends", yeah that is a bad sign

eliza_frodo · 2024-01-24T08:23:54+00:00

If I started dating a guy and then he began going to clubs (in that order), I would break up with them because you and I have the same boundaries! However, if she was going clubbing before and then you came into the picture and now ask her to change her lifestyle… That’s not fair and controlling.

Be honest in your assessment. Good luck!

antariusz · 2024-01-24T08:44:26+00:00

She's already cheating on you, she just hasn't broken up with you yet.

Gtedx · 2024-01-24T06:13:37+00:00

I don’t personally take girls who go to clubs seriously, just not my thing. So if my gf did it I wouldn’t tell her to stop, I would just take her out of the gf zone to fwb zone.

Brucewayneoxycotton · 2024-01-24T06:22:27+00:00

These people are tying to gas light you lol but you’re in the right fucking lefty Hipster Q words of Reddit smh

Fabulous_HonestTea · 2024-01-24T05:06:50+00:00

If she were actually attracted to you, she wouldn’t be doing that shit.

Leave her.

8m3gm60 · 2024-01-24T05:16:37+00:00

There are certain..uh..folks whom you should not attempt to make a housewife.

TermAggravating8043 · 2024-01-24T06:00:14+00:00

Posts like these just make me sad for the current youth. When I went out clubbing with my friends, my then bf used to say “have fun” or ask me if I needed a lift home. We’ve been together 15 years now, no cheating on either side.

You either trust your partner or you don’t

NarwhalsInTheLibrary · 2024-01-24T05:27:11+00:00

for me, my BF not trusting me to go to parties or clubs or wherever else would be a big problem for me. I hate clubs so those aren't really an issue for me, but if I were going anywhere and he thought there was danger of me cheating then he doesn't trust me and that's not okay.

But I also can't see why I would go to parties or clubs or shows or whatever without inviting him to come too. Why is she going to all these things without you? Are you not invited? An occasional girls night is not strange or problematic but if she's going out regularly with other people and you're not welcome to join I don't blame you for being upset about that.

I don't think it's contolling to tell her you are hurt that she is always out partying and doesn't want you there. If it were me and I was always left home, uninvited to the party or out for drinks or what have you, I would wonder why my BF doesn't want me around and assume he doesn't enjoy my company anymore, which signals that the relationship is over.

DarayRaven · 2024-01-24T05:27:40+00:00

My girlfriend has started going clubbing and partying recently with her friends, and I don’t like it.

Then bring back authoritarianism

Safinated · 2024-01-24T05:29:52+00:00

Just let her go, man

YearnsToDestroySun · 2024-01-24T05:45:45+00:00

Does she go clubbing a lot when you want to genuinely be with her during that time?

Just curious.

jashiran · 2024-01-24T05:57:21+00:00

what's considered Controlling is mostly subjective in my opinion.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-01-24T06:28:09+00:00

I'd say you have a good point about worrying about some of her friends, especially since one of the guys kept trying to force her to drink more and trying to get her to bang him in the restroom. Dude sounds sketchy, I'd be worried about her safety as well.

That being said - you've made your position clear, you don't want a girlfriend who goes clubbing, she has to decide whether she wants to stop going out with her friends in such a way or if she'd rather be with someone who doesn't mind her clubbing. You're right that you can only control what you do. You made yourself clear, the ball is in her court now.

Literal_Jesus_ · 2024-01-24T06:29:51+00:00

My boyfriend just goes clubbing with me. We did, however, meet in a club. I love it, I get to actually relax and cut loose and not worry about scary dudes like your girlfriend described. Could you have gone with her?/If y'all make it through this spat I'd try to go with her.

Tbh I think an ultimatum was the wrong move I don't think anyone responds well to demands. It sounds like there's a values difference here and you might just not be compatible long term. But if she wanted to cheat she wouldn't need to go to a club to do it. So tbh the fact that she's telling you about this stuff at all has me leaning towards she's not going out with ill intentions

AriesProductions · 2024-01-24T08:26:49+00:00

I used to love going to clubs to dance with my friends. My ex wasn’t really a clubbing kinda guy, and we often just wanted “girls night”. But he was also told where we were going & could stop by for a surprise drink any time. So once in a blue moon, he’d show up & buy us a round, see we were safe & happy, & head out. It worked for us.

hav1t · 2024-01-24T08:48:00+00:00

No not controlling, how can it be.

You just have to state that you can go, but if she does you and her are done.

Very simple. Dont comprimise. It's cheating

H_T1998 · 2024-01-24T05:00:56+00:00

Nah it’s fully reasonable. clubs ain’t for women in relationships. She ain’t wifey bro, you won’t find wife material in the club 💯

gordonwestcoast · 2024-01-24T05:10:32+00:00

Sorry to deliver the bad news, but if she still wants to go clubbing, she's not that into you. Time to move on.

lacuti3 · 2024-01-24T05:53:43+00:00

Why don’t you go with her? My boyfriend would just invite himself. He loves that type of environment

gothiccbitch · 2024-01-24T06:02:11+00:00

i go to the club with my friends occasionally and we’re all in relationships and none of our bf’s/fiancés mind. half the time he goes with me because he likes to feel me dancing on him. the other times like for special themed nights that me and my girl friends like more, we go together. i’m more of an extrovert than him so the club isn’t always his scene. i make up for it in nights in binging a series together.

i think because we’re secure in our relationship and deeply trust each other than this has never been an issue. i always let him know where i’m at and send him pics throughout the night and he tells me how good i look and 9/10 times when i come home tipsy i’m even more ready to rip off his pants so it’s a win-win.

just find someone you’re more compatible with.

MistyMaisel · 2024-01-24T05:25:18+00:00

You can have it as a boundary that you don't want a girlfriend that does just about anything under the sun.

If you're asking is it reasonable not to have a girlfriend that goes to clubs and parties, depending on age, local, and her friends, almost certainly not (especially parties). Especially if you won't just simply go with her.

If you're asking is it smart, that entirely depends on how much of a future you see. If you think she's the one or could be, then dumping her because she's enjoying extremely common youth activities that typically peter out once the novelty has worn off and mature adult responsibilities have set in...not so much. Better to ride it out or go with until it naturally concludes.

If you're asking is your line of reasoning rational, especially knowing that she wouldn't cheat on you...not especially. It sounds like she's not with the safest people, which is separate issue to the clubbing partying issue. And one that as someone who cares for her, you'd be right to broach, not as an ultimatum against those activities, but rather as a suggestion to find better people to do them with. The difficulty here is that you aren't going with her, so in some ways you're pushing her to be with people who don't care so much for her and making wolves feel free to play because they can just as easily argue that if you really cared for her, you wouldn't let her be alone at these affairs.

If you mean as a generic not just this girl, but all girls long con relationship strategy...probably not great. Most adult relationships normally include boys nights or girls nights or going to parties/ event spaces. And while the urge to protect is sweet, it's often completely irrational. You haven't told her not to drive even though statistically speaking that's way more dangerous and likely to kill, maim, or traumatize her. You'd probably have kids someday with her and that's a known killer of women. You're probably fine with a whole multitude of behaviors that are far less safe than clubbing with friends. And you can argue driving and babies are necessary, but so is having friends, community, exploring the world, having new experiences, enjoying youth, and celebrating. The idea you're going to successfully convince a young woman or an adult woman not to do these things while not impossible is poor strategy at best unless you're going after the religious contingent.

ezbyte · 2024-01-24T06:30:28+00:00

She’s 16. She wants to club and drink because it’s a new experience that makes her feel adult. She’s not worried about being wifely because she’s a fucking kid. And she will most likely have sex with some other guy just for the experience. She’s not ready for the type of relationship you want. I suggest you go explore as well instead of trying to lock some HS student down at 19.

ShelterNo2786 · 2024-01-24T06:56:43+00:00

Big red flag.

UpbeatInsurance5358 · 2024-01-24T07:02:04+00:00

This is really weird. If you go clubbing, you go out, you dance and drink until you get queasy, then you go and find a kebab shop and a taxi rank. Why aren't you more upset that someone attempted to set up an assault on your girlfriend? Why isn't she more upset about that?

p_ython · 2024-01-24T07:58:59+00:00

Tell her everything you wrote here and that'll tell you if you should break up with her not, she's not doing anything inherently wrong imo but there's an incompatibility issue, that being said I don't see an issue with my gf having a girls night out, if she wants to cheat, it'll happen some other way

KFC_Fleshlight · 2024-01-24T05:06:51+00:00

Yes it’s controlling she’s young and wants to have fun like all her other friends are doing. Clubs and drinking are fun when you’re young.

DoinIt989 · 2024-01-24T04:54:39+00:00

Yes, it's controlling. You gotta deal with these things.

HiDarlings · 2024-01-24T05:06:32+00:00

Yes it's controlling. Clubbing is a fairly normal part of growing up. Its normal she wants to try it out.

Try to find a way where she gets to experiment with clubbing, and you feel less anxious. Does she have friends you trust? Maybe make ask her to go with them. Or go with her, make it a date night.

Also: people go to clubs for different reasons, not everyone is there to flirt. I'm in an over 7 year relation, still go to a club on e every 2 months or so. Not to flirt, but because it's fun to let loose and dance the night away.

Note: if she has specific friends that are toxic: talk to them or ask her to talk to them sober.

Computer_Love7 · 2024-01-24T08:15:56+00:00

Yes, it's controlling. Also she's a literal teenager doing teenager things. Get over yourself.

theReaders · 2024-01-24T05:19:13+00:00

you're insecure , controlling, and you think she'll meet someone she likes better, and she may and I truly hope she does because this is the type of relationship that women come out of saying "I feel like I lost myself"

bifewova234 · 2024-01-24T05:20:57+00:00

Mate seeking behavior is often a breach of exclusivity agreements.

ThisTimeForRealYo · 2024-01-24T06:16:25+00:00

“I know she would never cheat on me but…”

???

Comfortable-Regret · 2024-01-24T07:10:13+00:00

You definitely could have gone about this better, for instance you could have told her that her going out in that kind of environment alone makes you nervous (not because you're afraid of what she'll do, but because you fear what others may do). Jumping straight to an ultimatum does not sound healthy. But it's perfectly resonable to not want to date someone who consistently makes you feel uneasy, you just probably should have explained how you feel and why you feel that way before making demands.

lvoncreek · 2024-01-24T07:12:51+00:00

Yes its controlling. If you dont like how she behaves thats fine but either get used to it or consider ending the relationship.

januaryphilosopher · 2024-01-24T07:12:54+00:00

If you don't like the possibility that someone else could be into your girlfriend, you'll either need to deal with it or break up. You've already noted that clubbing isn't needed for that to happen, you even know a couple of friends have a crush on her. You can't control other people's thoughts and you can't be with her every second of the day watching what she does, and for the relationship to continue you need to make your peace with that. You can say it's just clubs, but if you get your way here I imagine you'll move onto something else.

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MikeArrow · 2024-01-24T05:33:07+00:00

It would never have occurred to me to be uncomfortable with it, tbh. Maybe I'm just naive.

AngeCruelle · 2024-01-24T06:06:36+00:00

Clarification: Were you blindsided by this after you had already started dating? Did she make her interest in this kind of stuff known before you committed?

obviousredflag · 2024-01-24T08:38:32+00:00

I know she would never cheat on me but every time she goes out now im wondering where she is and what she’s doing.

Solve your problem on your end, not on her end.

I know I can’t control her but I can control what I do, and I told her I’m not gonna be her boyfriend if she wants to go clubbing without me.

No, you can also learn to deal with your thoughts and emotions that come up surrounding those club nights. It's a skill and it will greatly improve your life.

You know she won't cheat, so you are not really wanting her to not go to prevent cheating. You want her to not go, so you don't have to deal with your thoughts and emotions.

Learn emotional regulation, it's a key skill for healthy and satisfying relationships. It's your third biceps. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_self-regulation

AnonPinkLady · 2024-01-24T08:48:40+00:00

Not necessarily controlling as it sounds like she is in legitimate danger, but don’t make this all about your ego so to speak. Maybe go with her next time, she’ll be safe and other guys will back off if they see you all over her etc. 🤷‍♀️

Triglycerine · 2024-01-24T08:57:36+00:00

am I being an asshole?

I think few people read beyond the headline before running the usual script.

She told you she's letting herself be forced into situations that may lead to sexual assault over and over and you're still sticking around?

Leave. The situation is on the verge of imploding VIOLENTLY and you'll be forced to pick up the pieces.

She clearly enjoys the danger but I don't think that's something you should have to deal with down the line. Her risk-seeking behavior is not your responsibility and assuming she stops she'll just end up resenting you and likely do it behind your back.

[And that's assuming she hasn't had something done to her already. This is called soft reveal/soft disclosure/soft release and essentially a way to test how you react to the idea]

Green-Quantity1032 · 2024-01-24T13:56:35+00:00

Some people allow it, some don’t. No one cares if it’s controlling, that’s just the type of thing to say when people want you to not enforce you standards (whether they’re legit or not).

I would allow it sometimes. If it’s a weekly thing then it’s either that or me - I’m not gonna stay home and be anxious about a girl’s ability to hold her drink and hormones in check

Title	Is it controlling to want your girlfriend to not go clubbing?
Author	One_Slice1409
Upvotes	29
Comments	387
Date	January 24, 2024 4:39 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/19e8sp3/is_it_controlling_to_want_your_girlfriend_to_not/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/is-it-controlling-to-want-your-girlfriend-to-not.1243644 https://theredarchive.com/post/1243644

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