Q4W: How differently do you treat a guy who is a boyfriend/husband material from a guy who is a hookup/FWB material?

half_avocado33 · 2025-02-25T07:13:59+00:00

Never had a fwb or hookup, but i imagine the difference between those and husband material would be compatibility.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2025-02-25T07:51:13+00:00

I treat them the same, it I like you I’ll have sex with you. I had sex with my husband the first date

thelajestic · 2025-02-25T09:29:47+00:00

But the reverse is not true.

Uh. Well it is though. My husband is certainly husband material, and I shagged him on the first date. The difference between him and hook up material is that I kept seeing him and it eventually turned into a relationship. I was also more conscientious towards him. I remember a hook up getting really mad at me once because I hadn't bothered to text him after we'd hooked up (he messaged a few weeks later to pick a fight about it). When I didn't feel the need to message him because we'd had the hook up, it was sub par, I just didn't feel the need to bother with further communication.

Whereas I kept up communication with my husband, we had good text chats etc. We were both seeing other people by mutual agreement, but he took precedence - I would sometimes cancel on other hookups if he was free because I preferred to see him.

Basically I treat the bf/husband material with more preference and consideration than a hook up. But with the same level of sex.

FearlessSea4270 · 2025-02-25T05:52:23+00:00

I’m not into casual sex, but if I were the only things I’d care about were 1. general trust + safety of said person 2. their ability to reliably deliver orgasms

My list for being someone I’d actually date is obviously much more complex.

This is generally the opinions I see other women in my social circles and communities sharing.

text-redacted · 2025-02-25T07:32:02+00:00

Hook-up material doesn't exist to me since I don't hook-up.

In an imaginary world where I'd be willing to have somewhat casual sex, I don't think I'd actually do it with anyone I couldn't see myself possibly entertaining a dating relationship with. Then again, if the guy is okay with casual sex, he's probably not the type I'd date. Back at the original conundrum.

I can't separate sex and romance/dating/relationships/marriage enough to truly think of a guy who's solely hook-up material. Main thing I imagine would be he's not good enough to date and/or marriage so I wouldn't try very hard around him.

For the record I also didn't rlly make my husband wait that long. I was planning on waiting till marriage for religious reasons, but I was too horny and kinda messed it up lol. So to me, marriage material is the total package, both sexually and everything else.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-02-25T10:21:51+00:00

We prioritize sex in casual relationships, which is why men think it’s better and women do not

ExcitementLow4699 · 2025-02-25T12:53:19+00:00

Quite simply that men who were hookup material — relegated to sex only, never more — mostly only ever got attention from me when I was horny. We didn’t hang out outside of meeting for sex, or get to know each other that deeply. Even if the dude was a FWB, text messages were basically “hey are you busy later?” followed by arranging a dick appointment.

Two exceptions: One dude in high school that I was already friends with, and had a crush on before we had sex and he cheated on his gf. He was friendship material. Another dude, he was really, really good at the sex, and we met up so often that I actually did get to know him, and we caught feelings for one another… But he was married with 5 kids so that was never going to work out. So he had to be fuckzoned.

Boyfriend material guys were ones whose company I enjoyed outside of sex. We’d go on dates and do romantic things for one another: basically the 5 love languages. I was emotionally invested in them. But I was very reluctant to commit to exclusivity with most of them.

The only man who was husband material— checked all my boxes and made me want to commit to him for life— is my husband. I was in love with him by the second date, and had no problem being monogamous with him (back when he wanted that.) I wanted to spend all of my time with him, and I made some pretty big decisions to make that happen. I engage all the 5 love languages with him, but like 10x more than with the dudes who were boyfriend material. It did not take very long for me to desperately want his babies. I didn’t care that he had previously been married and had kids already; I was willing to be a step parent to them. I value his opinion and let him have the final say in matters of disagreement. His happiness is my happiness, and I would do just about anything for him.

Sonia314 · 2025-02-25T07:22:06+00:00

Sex seems to be very important to you so in the interest of time I’ll stick to that. I prefer to have sex on the first date. I have more sex with guys I see as boyfriend/husband material than guys I see as hookup/FwB material because I prioritize guys I can see a deeper future with. I’m also more likely to have unprotected sex with them because there is a higher level of trust.

abnabatchan · 2025-02-25T06:49:39+00:00

okay, I’d like to point out a few things here.

"hookup material" guy is NOT gaining more, because ALL he gets is sex. the guy a woman is serious about gets the best and most complete version of her. he gets her loyalty, her effort, her support, and yes, sex too.
a lot of you guys think of yourselves as husband material, but you really aren’t, you’re just cosplaying. you WANT to be the FWB or hookup guy, but you just can’t because you don’t have the natural charisma, charm, or looks. so instead, you dress up as a "husband material" guy, who, in your mind, is just a boring, submissive weasel with some money and stability, but that’s it.
one of the main factors that a truly husband material guy has is that he actually LIKES women. yes, he wants to have sex, but he also genuinely enjoys spending time with a woman, maybe even for the rest of his life. and no, a husband material guy isn’t just a safe and boring but kind of financially stable man. plenty of women marry broke losers, and generally speaking, most people marry within their own class.

now, why does this topic constantly come up?

a guy who’s actually "husband material" and genuinely likes women, not just sexually, but in general isn’t even going to pay attention to this discussion, because he already knows the whole thing is kind of bullshit.

the real "hookup material" guy (not the ones who come here constantly crying about how women have high standards but then claim they just had a foursome with their model 19 year old girlfriends) also doesn’t really care about this. he sees how things work and mostly just moves on.

the people who do care about this and are sort of angry about it (come on, you know you are) are the ones who simply don’t fit into either of those two categories of men. they’re men who don’t really like women but still want one, mainly for sex. and sooo when they try to dress up as the "husband material" guy, they just end up really frustrated and bored because they aren’t actually husband material. they’re charmless wannabe FWB guys who don’t necessarily enjoy spending time with women, so in their minds, they’re taking a boring and difficult route just to get sex.

and yes, a lot of these men do end up married. they’re the type who can’t wait to have their two-minute sex session and then go straight back to their hobbies, like video games, watching football and having fun with their guy friends and spending as little time as possible with their girlfriend/wife. because the truth is, they just don’t find women all that interesting and don’t actually like them that much! they just like to cum, and on top of that, they feel like, in order to be seen as a "proper" man in the eyes of society and their guy friends, they need to have a woman beside them.

SayuriKitsune · 2025-02-25T10:01:06+00:00

a hookup is a hookup, no promotions to boyfriend. There is a reason that they will stay as a hookup. I will not put much effort into it more than respect and having fun. That's it.

Now , boyfriend material gets all the perks. I like to treat my partners as a king. I had 4 LTR, and all 4 got me a ring, and even years later I still got messages of oohh you are the one that got away. I guess I did my job well.

Makuta_Servaela · 2025-02-25T06:28:44+00:00

Well, if I'm trying to date a guy, I would generally interact with him more on a more casual and non-sexual context. Like if I invite a FWB over, I would generally expect that sex is going to happen, and I won't invite him over very often. If I was trying to date a guy, I'd try to see him more often and we would sometimes have sex and other times do other stuff. Like, numbers-wise, I'd probably be having sex with him more often than a FWB (presuming he's interested), but that's because I'd be seeing him more often. 100% of one hangout a season, vs 50% of 4 hangouts a month, for example.

FWB or partner, I generally try to meet a person in-person in a non-sex public setting at least once before doing sex things, and likewise in both cases, I'm usually open to more physical things on the second meet-up. I believe in having sex with a partner as part of the early stages of figuring out compatibility, since sexual compatibility is important to a relationship (and "saving it till later" will just make a person blinded by lust and more willing to do things to get the partner they otherwise wouldn't, just to satisfy the lust.)

One of the other differences, though, is that I tend to go into a "performance mode": I'm not enjoying it as much, and acting up to get the FWB to enjoy it. If I was with a potential partner, I'd want to be more honest about what I actually like, so I probably won't be acting it up as much because I actually want him to get to know me.

Innanaspeaks · 2025-02-25T08:11:44+00:00

Ive had tones of hook ups- mostly ugly or fat guys. The reason was that i was drunk and horny. This is usual for the rock scene.

Some of them i had considered dating but the sex was bad or something put me off them so i didn't pursue it.

My current partner of 20 years started as a one night stand but he just charmed me and i wanted more of him in my life.

Hookups- i barely like them. I get rid of them as soon as possible. Some im cordial with if i see them. Only a couple of guys i ever slept with more than once.

Relationships - i do all the things! I put 100% effort in to make them happy- gifts, home making, chores, emotional and financial support etc.

Also- I've spent most of my life in monogamous long term relationships. The hook ups were the 6 month periods in between.

Disastrous-Sound-694 · 2025-02-25T07:06:55+00:00

I've never had a FWB or a hookup. But if I had to guess, with a hookup, you just want something quick and meaningless. Like fast food! You know it's not good-quality food, but it gets the job done, and it's convenient.

With a bf/husband, you want to savor it. You want to enjoy the appetizer (kisses, small touches) before you get to the meal.

What he gets is you lol. He gets you for a long time, not a short time. Sure, fast food is good. But it's not good as a steady diet. Eventually, we all want home-cooked meals.

TheAvocadoSlayer · 2025-02-25T16:21:53+00:00

For me, if the guy is boyfriend/husband material, he is ALSO hookup material. I’ve never made any of my ex bfs or my current husband wait for sex. The difference is that I actually want to hang out with the one who is bf material, unlike the guy who I only see as hook up material. And by hang out I mean actually go out and do stuff and not just sex.

EulenWatcher · 2025-02-25T09:51:38+00:00

I’ve never had casual sex nor I have any exes. My husband is the only person I’ve ever dated, so…yeah. I didn’t really have to “convince” him that he was getting a good deal - we met, liked each other enough to go on dates and then fell in love. We figured out that we wanted to spend our lives together, so we moved in some time after.

During early stages of dating he got the same things that I did - fun but simple dates, a person whose company he enjoyed, the excitement of figuring out that we both liked each other, the nervousness and warmth of holding hands etc.

ThatBitchA · 2025-02-25T15:38:33+00:00

Usually the difference is feelings.

The husband material guy likes me and wants more than sex. I like him and want more than sex. The point is the whole person. The sex is just a fraction of the connection, the person is who I care about.

The fuck buddy, is just sex. If it's not fuck buddy 1, it's going to be fuck buddy 4. The point is the dick, who cares what it is attached to.

If y'all want to be treated like man meat, go to your nearest bar and find a bar fly. Easy peasy.

Novadina · 2025-02-25T07:40:56+00:00

I only have sex if I want to sex, it’s never been about “giving access”, that just sounds gross to me. I am not totally sure what you mean by “trials and challenges” but I can’t recall anything like that ever being a part of my sex life. I suppose there are lots of different kinks out there, though.

The question is, what does the boyfriend/husband material guy gain from you in the early stages of dating that should convince a guy to prefer it over being a hookup material?

Why would I need to convince a man of something like this though?? I don’t give anything to men I’m dating that he would be “gaining”, we just hang out and do fun things we enjoy together. If a man doesn’t want to be with me then that’s his prerogative, I wouldn’t be begging.

Hookups are just sex. Relationships are totally different. It’s like comparing playing a game of chess with someone once, to having a partner you own a house with and play chess with every night.

RoseyButterflies · 2025-02-25T06:56:53+00:00

I'd treat them the same. They'd both have to wait for sex and go through trials and challenges 😂

AutoModerator · 2025-02-25T05:29:46+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "Debate" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Hjelmert · 2025-02-25T13:05:51+00:00

Eh for me it's the same thing. If i like you enough to hookup i like you enough to committ as well. My soon to be husband was a drunken hookup but i wouldn't have slept with him if i didn't have strong feelings for him and a desire to progress into a relationship.

S0yslut · 2025-02-25T15:32:26+00:00

If I were the kind to be into hook ups I wouldn’t be making them breakfast in the morning I probably wouldn’t care if they even liked me. Someone I wanted to keep I would absolutely care to be a good host and make them breakfast.

And quite honestly I would not want to hook up with men all the other women were hooking up with because I’d find that disgusting physically. I assume they have STDs and I am completely turned off by that thought.

sadmatchatea · 2025-02-25T16:08:02+00:00

It’s the same pool of guys. I don’t wait for sex unless I’m on my period but I’m still down to do other stuff most of the time. And if I’m not into the guy, it won’t go beyond one date to avoid wasting anyone’s time.

CatallaxyRanch · 2025-02-25T17:33:05+00:00

I never made this distinction. They all started out as hookups and then some became boyfriends.

Fun_Breakfast697 · 2025-02-25T19:28:38+00:00

All my serious relationships started as hookups. The boyfriends were good hookups and we clicked outside the bedroom as well.

The most common answer is "he gets to enjoy my company", I feel like that's too vague and automatically assumes that every girl is a good company.

Why the fuck would I be in a relationship with someone who didn't enjoy my company? And why would he be with me? I'm not saying I'm universally enjoyable, but some people clearly do enjoy my company enormously and those are the ones I date. Most of a relationship is just hanging out. Anyone who downplays that is going to be a terrible partner.

The hookups did not get monogamy or emotional support from me, either.

RelativeYak7 · 2025-02-25T20:09:28+00:00

Beginning stages the men get treated the same. Hookup guy: I do not like him and will never text him or think about him, most of the time I actively dislike him. Bf guy: I think about him, text him back, do nice things for him.

kalashhhhhhhh · 2025-02-26T07:24:32+00:00

I had one prior fwb/casual experience with a guy I've known for years. I had sex wuth him because I really wanted to have sex with another man because of my severely bruised ego, he was cute enough and I trusted him.

I had sex with the man I want to become my husband the first day we were both single at the same time. I have sex with him because I feel a magnetic attraction between us and my body physically feels like it needs him anf him only.

The sex is not even comparable between the two. Sex with someone you're in love with is on a whole another level.

YveisGrey · 2025-02-26T13:55:10+00:00

I think it’s fidelity/exclusivity because with a hook up or FWB you’re not expected to be faithful it’s actually implied that you aren’t exclusive and can sleep with someone else and that’s not abnormal. But with a husband you are expected to be faithful and stepping out would be cheating and socially damaging. Also with a husband you can have a family, the relationship is more intimate you’re actually friends, lovers, confidants etc…

Same_Comfortable_821 · 2025-02-26T14:28:01+00:00

I treat husband material nicer. Not looking for marriage or long term right now anyway. Single is relaxing.

TSquaredRecovers · 2025-02-26T17:15:07+00:00

I’ve never really separated guys into these two categories of long-term boyfriend/husband option versus casual hookup/FWB option. Each of the serious, long-term relationships I have had (5 in total) started out as more casual FWB situationships.

I’ll also add that those guys I dated were either friends or acquaintances beforehand, so they weren’t strangers who I met off apps or whatever. Basically, I’d hang out with the guy in a party setting and then we’d hook up one night, which then led to more hooking up after that first night. Eventually, we’d see each other more often and things would naturally progress to a serious, long-term relationship.

Werevulvi · 2025-03-01T23:57:36+00:00

Boyfriend/husband material will get to stay in the morning after, I'll want to have breakfast with him and cook for him, cuddle and I'll want to hear about his day, how his life is going, help him with anything we might want my help with, and want spend time with him outside of sex. Like just do all sorts of things together, watch movies, play video games, work out, do arts and crafts, have bubble baths together, whatever we're both into. That is, on top of also having sex.

That is basically what I mean when I say I'd offer him my company. Basically my close friendship, my time, heart and loyalty.

And I'm kinda already sure that there are men out there who want those things too, and not just sex. But I also get that whether a woman's "company" matters to a man or not heavily depends on if they get along well together, if they like each other as people, if they are attracted to each other beyond the physical, or not.

And in contrast a casual sex partner would only get me for the sexual, and not get to have me cook for him, cuddle with him, or care about how his day has been, and I likely won't give a shit about his passions, or his opinions on anything not sex related. Not that I do casual sex anymore, but that's how it was with that in my past.

Basically I give my LTR's everything, and barely gave anything at all to my casual sex partners. I barely even knew them. Some of them, I didn't even know their names, or their exact age.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2025-02-25T11:45:22+00:00

The same because it has to be both in one. I'm not a slut I don't do casual. And I refuse loveless duty sex. So he has to make me feel raw attraction and emotional connection. It has to be both.

If I don't want to hve sex with him I don't want to have sex with him ever. I don't make him wait for loveless duty sex, I just don't date him at all.

I can't separate sex and love. I can only imagine having casual sex while madly in love in desperate hope it will make him love me and be with me.

I wanted to wait ideally for marriage. But I desired him so much we did it quite soon.

badgersonice · 2025-02-26T02:22:43+00:00

There has been a common consensus among red pillers that being a hookup material is far more better than being a husband material.

They think that because they don’t actually like women. They only tolerate dating, barely, to get access to a cunt and throw her out after he’s spent. Men who think hookups are better than having a loving partner are absolutely not good marriage material or good father mateial. They’re just cheap sluts.

The question is, what does the boyfriend/husband material guy gain from you in the early stages of dating that should convince a guy to prefer it over being a hookup material?

Lol, why would I want to convince a bunch of slutty losers to date me?

The answer is nothing. Since what you’re really asking about is just sex, I didn’t spread my legs for either in the early stages of dating. Husband material doesn’t get any more sex out of me than fuck boy loser did in the early stages— they both got zero sex in the early stages because I do not do casual. I really really promise you I never wanted to convince trashy red pill loser dudes to date me. They’re low value because their values suck.

So the real difference is that husband material has a chance, and fuck boy material was just rejected completely.

I realize this makes me a horrible horrible evil woman because I denied them the sex red pillers think they are owed 😢. But like….I’m incredibly happy I have never been pleasing or attractive to such awful, hateful men.

attendquoi · 2025-02-25T13:34:20+00:00

It's going to come down to what you want. Hook-up Guy is never going to actually date me, or see me again. He also will only get to fuck me that one time (I don't do repeat casual).

It just depends on whether you want an actual relationship, or just sex. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be Hook-up Guy. But IF that's what you want, you shouldn't be asking for a relationship.

flipsidetroll · 2025-02-26T07:59:49+00:00

I don’t do hookups. So your question is invalid to me. But of course, you’ll say I’m lying. As I’m most redpillers would as well (isn’t blackpill more hardcore than redpill). So even posting this question to women, makes me think you will ignore the answers.

Understand, a common consensus does not mean it’s true. There used to be a common consensus that when you sneezed, your soul briefly left your body. So….

Realistic-Ad-1023 · 2025-02-26T19:38:49+00:00

Ons and FWB were treated like walking dildos. I called them for sex and then told them to leave. They knew what this was.

Boyfriends and now my husband, gets to be my partner. They get the wife experience, where I take their feelings into consideration, do nice things for them, take care of things I wouldn’t do for a FWB or ONS, take care of their mental and physical health, help them, love them, that sort of thing.

Title	Q4W: How differently do you treat a guy who is a boyfriend/husband material from a guy who is a hookup/FWB material?
Author	JetproTC23
Upvotes	17
Comments	316
Date	February 25, 2025 5:29 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1ixnnaw/q4w_how_differently_do_you_treat_a_guy_who_is_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-how-differently-do-you-treat-a-guy-who-is-a.1544895 https://theredarchive.com/post/1544895

Comments