Your partner gets paralyzed from the neck down, do you stay?

edgyny · 2022-04-15T17:37:56+00:00

If it was my wife, I'd do whatever I can to comfort her and care for her and keep her company.

If it were me, I'd probably figure out how to secretly die ASAP without messing up insurance.

KingWhoCared86 · 2022-04-15T17:31:37+00:00

If it were them, I’d stay and care for them.

If it were me, I’d prefer to die and not have them care for me.

Barneysparky · 2022-04-15T17:37:34+00:00

If you are with someone for life eventually something will happen to one of you, and the other will be in a caregiver position.

If you are young, it's a new relationship, etc I can certainly see why someone would decide to not continue the relationship.

But if you've had a good life together then this is just a part of life that most older adults accept.

My personalanswer, of course!

Im_The_Daiquiri_Man · 2022-04-15T17:43:50+00:00

In honor of the great Gilbert Gottfried:

A woman gets into a really bad car accident, the man rushes from work to the hospital. The doctor goes “Sir, it's really bad news, your wife was in a horrible car accident her face and body are totally managled, she'll be cripled and paralyzed from the neck down. She’s gonna need 24 hour care, of which your insurance is not going to pay for. You're going to have to wash her, and feed her, and keep turning her over so she doesn't get bed sores and rub oniment on her, and she'll have no control over her bowels”

The man breaks down crying and the doctor goes “Relax! I'm just fucking with you, she's dead.”

sabiinvesting · 2022-04-15T17:46:36+00:00

I know my solution definitely isn't for everyone, but my boyfriend and I can be pretty self-sufficient when it comes to sex.

I really do believe the "in sickness and in health" part. Once you love someone enough, it just becomes natural. If you don't, probably not. Even if it costs you money, time and effort, you could still want to be with that person because he still makes you happy. If he could no longer talk, it would probably eat me alive.

I would feel bad if it happened to me, but if it makes him happy to be with me, I would want him to stay. If I could no longer be of any value to anyone in my life, I would want to die.

Orange_Paisley · 2022-04-15T18:06:31+00:00

Yes, I would stay with him. If it were me, though, I would have him ship me to my mom's house back east. He'd want to be with me, but my mom has sisters and nieces and cousins all around and she'd have support - Mr. Paisley would have my dad and my daughter here, and my dad would be no help whatsoever.

errrright · 2022-04-15T22:01:26+00:00

Ugh, this is literally my worst nightmare. I'm young and there is so much I want to do in life, including have children - but I love and care for him deeply and abandoning him would be off the table. The very least I would do is spend a year or so caring for him and helping him adjust to this new way of living and then evaluate the situation and what's best for the both of us from there.

If it were me, I would encourage him to move on. Even if he wanted to stay and care for me, I would probably suggest that we become just friends and encourage him to date again when he's ready.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2022-04-15T19:09:55+00:00

I would stay with my husband

It would be so hard but this is MY person. He makes my life perfect.

I am very confident he would stay with me

TardisCat2020 · 2022-04-15T17:27:27+00:00

I'd stay with her, yes. We've both already agreed that if such a bizarre situation occurred, then the mobile person would have sex with someone else but we'd still be in a relationship with each other.

Personally, I'd rather be dead though.

KikiYuyu · 2022-04-15T18:20:13+00:00

I would try to stay. I will be honest and say I don't know if I could maintain that forever. I deal very badly with stress. The loss of something good about my life and having it be replaced with something bad would be pretty devastating for my ability to cope with... anything.

I think the only way to save it for me would be if we had a carer come in for him. If I had no break from responsibilities I'd crack.

LittleDragonMaiden · 2022-04-15T18:00:37+00:00

Yes I would stay. I’m a Christian and I don’t believe in divorce, I take my vows seriously. If I were to be paralyzed from the neck down I would ask to be euthanized, I know suicide is a sin but I refuse to live that way.

Mrs_Drgree · 2022-04-15T17:38:23+00:00

Yes I would stay with him, but I'd hire a nurse to do all the icky things. But for the opposite I'd probably be too embarrassed to have him take care of me like that. I'd beg to be euthanized.

flapperfemmefatale · 2022-04-15T18:08:54+00:00

If it was my husband, I'd stay. If it was me, I'd want to die.

BePrivateGirl · 2022-04-15T18:42:09+00:00

I think this is a weird PP question. The true discussion should be: Do you want to live like that? Some people do…they really value being alive over everything else.

Most people don’t realize the horror of the reality of that situation. It’s pretty much guaranteed bed sores, pneumonias, feeding tube issues, problems with circadian rhythms and day time wakefulness, it’s not just rolling around in a park with your new wheelchair.

I’d probably try to convince my partner to accept death. I’d stick around for a while and set up managing some of the care…but as years go by I don’t think there would be a point to it. It’s a different relationship now…than partners. I’d probably just transition into my role as a professional nurse.

If it happened to me. I would appreciate a sweet goodbye, some comfort and loving words about how meaningful we were to each other.

And sorry mom…but if anyone had to really step in to do my personal care that was family/friend…etc…I would want it to be my mom.

But seriously people…if you are contemplating this thought experiment…fill out an advanced directive. Five Wishes document is a great way to start.

chilikettlechips · 2022-04-15T18:59:08+00:00

I remember I was asked this in college, I was like 20-21. And I was like fuck no. GASP, not even the mother of your children??? And I'm like, what children? what mother? I'm 20, I'm not staying sexless until I die lmao.

Initial_Chemical7121 · 2022-04-15T18:10:36+00:00

I’d k*ll both of us and hope for reincarnation or something

StoicGypsy · 2022-04-15T17:47:20+00:00

I’d stay true to my commitment only if married. But we’d revisit the terms of the relationship so that we could both be happy. I’d expect the same if roles were reversed.

BlackPorcelainDoll · 2022-04-15T20:22:37+00:00

Age is important. I'd give the same advice to a partner under age 33-35, as I'd give a daughter/son and hope he'd do the same.

"Mom will me fine.. Go live your life. But still check in. It's nice to hear from you every once in awhile."

thoughtfulsoul10000 · 2022-04-15T19:06:40+00:00

I'm not sure atm. I wouldn't expect my partner to stay with me for sure. He's 19 and we've been dating 2 years. He'd probably easily find another young pretty women. He couldn't even afford to take care of me, so he'd only be sticking around for emotional support anyways. I'd probably give up the romantic aspect of our relationship and let him go, even if it would be difficult. I have a lot of emotional support from my family, so it's not like I'd be completely alone. If we were married my expectations would probably be very different.

Whether I would stay is the tougher question. I would like to think I would, but I'm in much the same position my bf would be with me. I think I would leave given enough time and if the situation was permanent. I would obviously talk to him about it and ask him to what extent my leaving would affect him just to be sure my decision is an okay one to make. I wouldn't know until I was in it though how I would feel about it. If we were married or if our relationship was significantly longer, I would stay.

spicysaucegood · 2022-04-15T20:57:07+00:00

I believe I'd stay. Someone with disabilities isn't a problem. An asshole is a problem. An asshole that takes it all for granted - the hard work and sacrifices to be there for them, that's a problem. Then I don't think I'd stick around, because at that point, the asshole you're expected to wipe, got too big to be worth it.

pink-wizard · 2022-04-15T21:14:12+00:00

I myself have a fair few health problems and he has never shown me anything but love and compassion. I would never ever leave him, I would do whatever I had to do in order to give him a life that was still worth something. He is the reason I get up every single day, and that wouldn’t change for anything. I worship the ground he walks on, I would go to the ends of the earth for him.

itsallieellie · 2022-04-16T00:24:21+00:00

My sister stayed until he told her to leave so she could have children. They divorced. She remarried. Her second husband cheated and left her the minute she got pregnant. Now she has a son but no husband. She’s still very good friends with her ex husband.

dbz19 · 2022-04-16T01:43:07+00:00

Everyone saying they'd stay. I don't believe you for one second.

it's easy to postulate that you're a good person but when shit happens in real life, the tables are turned upside down, and you turn into a different person that's completely different to the sweet innocent image you have of yourself in your head.

At best, I think you'd find a side piece.

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fnonpm · 2022-04-15T17:32:33+00:00

I wouldn't know until it was 3 months in

I like to believe that I will because it would be a chance to demonstrate love with few or no conditions to my partner

Cupcakelover1985 · 2022-04-15T17:39:07+00:00

I’d stay with them because I have the means to take care of him if this happened and a terrible accident befalling them isn’t grounds to leave imo. They’re still the same person in terms of character they’re just less mobile/immobile now.

If it was me who became paralyzed I’d want to be euthanized.

OhDestinyAltMine · 2022-04-15T18:04:18+00:00

If there was real love i would truly stay and then shamelessly milk the “good caregiver boyfriend with paralyzed girlfriend” angle on Tinder.

Jonesw16 · 2022-04-15T18:41:23+00:00

I'm a man, so I'd stay but I'd also understand if she didn't stay with me, I'd be useless at that point so she might as well move on.

armordog99 · 2022-04-15T19:11:14+00:00

Yes, a thousand times yes.

xpinkrainbowsx · 2022-04-15T19:23:30+00:00

If we were married, yes I’m staying with him. Whenever I vow to be there for someone “in sickness and in health”, I mean that. Working another job and getting used to different forms of intimacy aren’t enough to push me away from someone I promised to spend the rest of my life with.

betabucks666 · 2022-04-15T19:54:02+00:00

it entirely depends on the relationship. how long are you together, how invested are you etc

also, people can only know the answer if they are in this situation. for me i'm leaning towards i'd stay but really how can anyone say for sure.

trilobright · 2022-04-15T20:23:29+00:00

Yes, absolutely. Thankfully we have universal healthcare where I live so money wouldn't be an issue.

Lonelybuthopeful9 · 2022-04-15T20:52:46+00:00

I dont have a partner, but if I were in a situation like that, I wouldnt wanna lower someoneelses life quality, for a life I cant enjoy.

prismaticbeans · 2022-04-15T20:58:10+00:00

Would I stay in the relationship? Not sure. I would have some doubts. But that question would be on the back burner at least until they were stabilized. Would I abandon them? Also no. Still, a life event that major is bound to change a person. Having zero capacity to care for yourself in the most basic of ways will change you. Having to be someone's literal everything would do that too. I would not begin to know how to deal with it. I would expect the romantic side of things to suffer.

Now, I know I don't have the means or the ability to provide that level of care as my own health has never been good or even stable. I don't have the financial means, and I know I couldn't do it myself because I've had to provide short-term care to a much lesser extent and my body did not cope. But even if the sexual and romantic aspects were no longer a factor and I was not able to do round the clock care, I would feel it was up to me to advocate and help wherever I could. And so I would, even if we were just roommates and the best I could offer was subpar.

mountainofjoy · 2022-04-15T21:26:08+00:00

Absolutely I would. I would grieve but I’m in this thing till one of us dies.

orphileen · 2022-04-15T21:40:39+00:00

I want to stay with my partner. But if this were to happen to me, I want them to be my proxy or whatever it's called and I want to be DNR and DNI. I been through too much health shit in my life, that being bed bound would kill my spirit. If my partner wants to be a a DNR/DNI, I will respect that.

Barely-moral · 2022-04-15T21:49:02+00:00

First I would open the "in case everything goes to shit envelope". We both have one in case a health related tragedy happens and we can't express our wishes.

I will follow her will as written. If nothing is said there the default reaction as defined in our agreement is that I stay with her and take care of her until she dies.

I will keep my word. The agreement is king. Everything else can fail, the agreement remains.

666lucy6 · 2022-04-15T21:51:03+00:00

Absolutely I would stay and I absolutely would expect them to stay with me if i was the one in need.

NegativeEntr0py · 2022-04-15T21:54:49+00:00

I have some experience here. I became a quadriplegic in my teens. I choose to not involve someone else. This is my burden not theirs.

As contradictory as it may be, if I weren’t disabled I wouldn’t rule dating a female version of me now.

I will say last I looked the statistics weren’t as optimistic as this thread. Something like 90% of relationships end after one becomes disabled.

Medical-Cellist-7421 · 2022-04-15T21:56:30+00:00

I stay. If she can still talk, Im cool. Having been in a long-distance relationship for over a year and a half, Im used to only hearing her voice.

godandgoddess · 2022-04-15T22:13:40+00:00

It would be tough for sure but if I promise my life for someone and I don’t have a good reason for leaving like cheating or abuse I’m staying and finding someone who can best care for them.

ChibsFilipTelfordd · 2022-04-15T22:25:26+00:00

Depends how deep in the relationship I am and also if she's willing to let me seek out sexual partners

Ketamine-pigeon · 2022-04-15T22:49:07+00:00

No. My grandpa was disabled (completely blind) and I’ve cared for disabled people (parapalegic) before. The emotional weight is extremely intense and I know I can’t handle it without snapping mentally. I am not doing that again. And if I ever become disabled, I want my partner to mercy kill me as quickly as possible. I don’t want to live that way. It’s so lonely.

sweet_birch · 2022-04-15T23:21:52+00:00

This happened to my husband's father. My MIL cared for him until his death years later.

I would stay, if it happened. Til death do us part.

kdkdkd64664 · 2022-04-16T00:31:08+00:00

My current partner? Yes absolutely, I’d do literally anything for him. And I feel pretty confident in assuming he’d do so for me.

If I were with anyone else BUT him? No way. He’s the only person in so long I was willing to make any kind of sacrifices or life changes for. So if I wasn’t with someone I didn’t love very very exceptionally, I think I’d go tbh.

EviessVeralan · 2022-04-16T00:44:44+00:00

Yes. I made an oath to my husband and to my god to stay with him for the rest of my life.

If it were me id feel conflicted because i wouldnt want to die alone but i would also feel bad about being a burden.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2022-04-16T07:09:17+00:00

I'd visit and such, but I'd bang other chicks, just like now.

betabucks666 · 2022-04-15T17:27:55+00:00

[permanently deleted]

smallstarseeker · 2022-04-15T19:04:24+00:00

If that happened to me I'd want them to move on.

If that happens to my partner I honestly cant say.

Euphoric_Ad_4972 · 2022-04-15T18:57:53+00:00

I'd leave and, I want her to leave to.

Elegant-Umpire7385 · 2022-04-15T19:53:23+00:00

If you were married, yes.

If you're not married, hell no.

But keep in mind apparently women can't even take their man's name in marriage so I don't think marriage means what it used to.

Now, as for sex, among non-religious people especially an unspoken rule of marriage is that if you absolutely need sex and can't get it, then get it someway on the condition you'd never ever get noticed by anyone. Having an emotional affair counts as getting noticed.

This is a common attitude that more women are accepting as a basic rule of marriage. It's less "acceptable" for men who are just supposed to tolerate dead bedrooms (actually, they're supposed to get pissy and give the woman an excuse to divorce so she'll have formal permission to play the field again).

Of course if a woman cheats, no man would find that tolerable. But a man would never know unless the woman is being flagrant, disrespectful, has a pattern of repeat behavior, is dismissive of the marriage. The vast majority of women who just need a little dick on the side at some point will never get caught. The problem is then they come home afterward and no longer want to have sex with their husband.

But, in the case of paralysis, this isn't a problem, is it?

I think if I was paralyzed and after years I strongly suspected my wife would sometimes sleep with other men, but I just never had enough evidence to be sure because she was careful about it and never failed to be good in our marriage, I wouldn't even mind.

Play_Muted · 2022-04-15T17:30:46+00:00

I would stay. I wouldnt leave for health issues that happened after we got together but I wouldnt go for an individual with health issues.

RealNiceLady · 2022-04-15T17:49:37+00:00

Stay if married. Leave if not.

lulll · 2022-04-15T17:51:22+00:00

lmao fuck no

golden_eyed_cat · 2022-04-15T17:53:47+00:00

I'd definitely stay with my husband

sarkington · 2022-04-15T19:21:52+00:00

If it happened to them, stay until the money ran out and divorce to avoid medical bankruptcy, then continue to care for them

If it happened to me, figure out a way to off myself all sneaky like; I’m sure I’d have the time to think of something

Rook_Cross · 2022-04-15T19:25:16+00:00

Christian, divorce not an option. I'd stay because I love them.

Unforged-13 · 2022-04-15T19:40:37+00:00

No lol

DillonTheFatUglyMale · 2022-04-15T19:51:19+00:00

Mrs_Drgree · 2022-04-15T20:33:45+00:00

[permanently deleted]

TheRedPillRipper · 2022-04-15T21:20:07+00:00

why?

Value system. In sickness, and health. That said, my wife and I have stipulations in place for this scenario. As neither of us want to unduly burden the other.

Godspeed and good luck!

rich_man_88 · 2022-04-15T21:27:48+00:00

Even though she broke up with me if that were to happen I would still care for her

ConsultJimMoriarty · 2022-04-15T21:42:32+00:00

Of course I would. I love him.

SouthernGrass3 · 2022-04-15T21:47:52+00:00

I would stay as long as there is other physical help so I don’t I injure myself and also end up incapacitated.

I’d want him to stay too, under the same conditions.

As for the physical, I wouldn’t be okay with him having a girlfriend, but could probably deal with him seeing an escort periodically as long as it was kept very cut and dry. I don’t think I’d want either option for myself.

Ultimately, he’s my favorite person so I’d choose a non-adventurous life with him, as long as I could still reasonably manage responsibilities, over a life with anyone else.

DeliciousPussyNectar · 2022-04-15T22:01:17+00:00

Stay for them emotionally, yea.

Faandyyy · 2022-04-15T23:13:18+00:00

Don't and probably won't have a partner so asking me this question is kinda worthless.

But if we suppose I have found my soulmate, yes I would stay.

WholeCelebration4567 · 2022-04-15T23:16:48+00:00

Nodeal_reddit · 2022-04-15T23:33:45+00:00

My wife? Yes. Of course.
A girlfriend? Nah. Her parents can take care of her.

Remarkable_Ad_2469 · 2022-04-16T00:09:18+00:00

They would get a SSI check , be on Medicaid and Medicare. Plus have nursing around the clock in my particular state I live in. Yes I'd stay. They are still with it mentally, and we could still communicate. Yes the dynamic of the relationship would change to more of a care giver role ,but that's what happens in a marriage. Dynamic changes as we age . Those not understanding that part in marriage are not ready ,nor should they ever get married.

JoelMB12 · 2022-04-16T02:39:52+00:00

This is the wife and the mother of my children I'm not leaving then plain and simple.

Pastelitomaracucho · 2022-04-16T03:48:05+00:00

I'd stay with her until the end. Because I love her

Lateralanouncer · 2022-04-16T04:08:08+00:00

It would depend on what stage I'm at in my life. Elderly, vs middle age vs youth.

ZealousidealAd7191 · 2022-04-16T04:34:36+00:00

I would take care of my wife and keep her company, but take care of my sexual and intimacy needs with someone else, with her blessing of course. If she didn’t give me her blessing? Well thats just extremely selfish…

ruboyuri · 2022-04-16T04:44:46+00:00

Everyone’s got a plan until they get rendered quadriplegic

NewToThisThingLad · 2022-04-16T05:29:18+00:00

Nope, I wouldn't stay and I wouldn't want them to stay with me. Nothing would cause me more pain than wasting somebody else's life.

A1Dilettante · 2022-04-16T14:33:11+00:00

If it were me I would opt for euthanasia. Spare me the bullshit of a pitiful caregiving relationship while he fucks someone on the side. No thanks. Put my ass down so he can move on with his life. I hope he'd feel the same.

pokemin49 · 2022-04-16T16:15:31+00:00

I would stay. Without loyalty we're nothing. Don't believe a word women say on this thread btw. They ditch their partners for the most trivial of hypergamous reasons and we're supposed to buy they would stay with a quadriplegic. Sure, Jan.

duksinarw · 2022-04-16T18:55:20+00:00

I would rather die, and they'd probably rather die too. Hopefully they could assist my suicide and then resume their actual life, no hard feelings (literally).

Willow-girl · 2022-04-16T20:29:28+00:00

Absolutely.

I knew going in that he will probably develop dementia due to a TBI. The results of his last MRI were ... not encouraging. But we take it day by day here. I'll take as many good days as I can get.

neetykeeno · 2022-04-16T23:53:15+00:00

I would put them in a care facility then shift house to live next to the facility and pay the extra person charge for dinner most nights so I can be there. I would make significant efforts to facilitate contact with the outside world. I wouldn't find another partner. But neither would we be truly together.

That's pretty much what I would want for myself too.

Kobe_curry24 · 2022-04-17T02:50:10+00:00

I think if you truly love your partner “really love” them it doesn’t change once you see them in this horrible state there’s no way that happens , if so your horrible person , and you were never in love with them from the start .. but with that being said there are a lot of horrible people .. still a difficult situation

Not-Another-Jane-Doe · 2022-04-17T06:32:23+00:00

abaxeron · 2022-04-17T07:21:26+00:00

do you stay?

No.

why?

"I just don' feeeeeel it anymore" in a deep-fried voice. I don't owe explanation to anyone, and have no legally binding obligations to stay.

If this happened to you would you want them to stay with you?

No.

why?

There is a good reason, but saying it out loud can give me Reddit-wide permaban.

Notsonewguy7 · 2022-04-17T15:33:56+00:00

If they can still talk. I'd probably be fine. Don't know so I can't say either way.

enoesraht · 2022-04-17T22:33:18+00:00

Yes, no question

iwasneverherehaha · 2022-04-18T16:25:47+00:00

Depends on alot more then what you've listed.

Our ages? And time together in a relationship.

Do we have kids or a family together?

Can they still talk ?

Was I happy in the relationship anyway?

Guitar-Master9891 · 2022-04-19T00:52:30+00:00

Actually, I would go back with my ex fiancee in a blink, without hesitation, if she was in troubles like this. I hope she doesn't need me around anymore, for her own good, but if she needs me I'll be there.

Dramatic-Emu-1196 · 2022-04-21T16:33:30+00:00

idk, probably not. I'd pay for everything though

Title	Your partner gets paralyzed from the neck down, do you stay?
Author	thoughtfulsoul10000
Upvotes	75
Comments	150
Date	April 15, 2022 5:16 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/u4cwzu/your_partner_gets_paralyzed_from_the_neck_down_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/your-partner-gets-paralyzed-from-the-neck-down-do.1112561 https://theredarchive.com/post/1112561

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