CMV: Women must feel like they are going crazy when most men are willing to sleep with them, but only a handful would be interested in a committed relationship

AngeCruelle · 2023-07-18T03:23:02+00:00

This is actually not surprising to the vast majority of women.

If anything I have seen more men blindsided by a woman wanting to sleep with but not date them because of the outdated notion that a woman can't just want sex with a guy, there must be some romantic interest on her part.

Gravel_Roads · 2023-07-18T03:01:46+00:00

I think most sane women, like most sane men, are aware that MOST people are not compatible with MOST people for long-term relationships, and that people are more willing to "check fewer boxes" when it comes to casual sex partially because you aren't stuck with them long-term.

It's not like women don't do the same when they also want casual sex. They'll bone far more men than they'll actually want an LTR with.

Blame_the_Muse · 2023-07-18T03:09:45+00:00

Women are constantly warned that men are only after one thing, so no, it's not that mystifying to them

SpellingPhailure · 2023-07-18T03:01:16+00:00

More than a handful of men would be interested in a committed relationship, but those women don't want those men for the committed relationship, and therein lies the problem of why nobody can be happy.

First-Ad-4314 · 2023-07-18T04:06:18+00:00

That's why I think all the gods above that I'm more of a sapiosexual than I am attracted to physical attributes. There has to be some level of physical attraction but, I'm more in conversation than I am looks

dirty_cheeser · 2023-07-18T06:32:43+00:00

A lot of guys went through phases where they could not get a relationship no matter how low their standards were. I was in a major with ~90% men and my workplaces were similarly unbalanced. It seemed to be most of my classmates and coworkers were in that boat of being single wanting to find a gf. This has changed we got older, richer and got life more figured out. It is hard to sympathize with women saying they can't find relationships when you realize there is a lot unsaid in that statement about the filtering process and standards and they probably could find a committed bf, just not with that ultra attractive guy.

bruhminer · 2023-07-18T09:54:27+00:00

I disagree there are countless men willing to stay in a committed relationship, even amongst those that are attractive. Some women find it hard to get into a committed relationship because they're so spoiled for choice they feel like nothing is adequate.

JNRoberts42 · 2023-07-18T03:41:16+00:00

Not in my experience. Men rush to lock down women they are interested in because they don’t want to take a chance on another man stealing her. It’s this way for most women with any presence in social media or any sort of a social life. Men know there are other men sniffing around and orbiting all the time.

0814235068 · 2023-07-18T07:28:29+00:00

Women are told every day ( by men themselves) who men are. The simple response is what did you think was going to happen. This only arises if they’re in a situationship and he clearly isn’t any near commitment. Leave simple.

ToSeeAgainAgainAgain · 2023-07-18T04:09:28+00:00

You'd then have to play this mind game where you evaluate your own attractiveness and look for as close to an equally attractive partner, but not so attractive that they would only see you as a short term fling. I imagine that would take a toll on your psyche.

Yeah yeah, same here, except for the lack of an infinite offer of pussy that could have helped (a ton to be honest) in my younger years to validate me

macone235 · 2023-07-18T04:39:14+00:00

Women: Every man wants to have sex with me, and only most of them want to wife me down forever, and only a small percentage of them are actually attractive, oh the horror!

Meanwhile Men: Have to go through a lifelong competition against billions of other men to try and compete to obtain and then maintain a relationship with a woman where the bottom-tier of men will likely end up dying or suffering in the process, the average of men will be resented by their partners, and the top-tier of men will be consistently threatened for replacement.

Women feel like they're going crazy, because they aren't being forced to marry mediocre men anymore, while also having an institution of monogamy that naturally contradicts with their hypergamy. They aren't actually suffering like men to justify going crazy though.

Inevitable-Log9197 · 2023-07-18T08:08:39+00:00

while not also shooting themselves in the foot by settling for a relatively less attractive guy

It's a struggle that everyone has. You'd never be able to determine if a partner you're in a long term committed relationship with is the best you can get.

If you try to minmax and find the best partner that is willing to commit to you, but right below the point of attractiveness where they would pump/dump you, then you're doomed to fail. Because real life doesn't work like that, and the grass is always greener on the other side, so you'll never be satisfied with your current partner with that mindset, no matter how good they are.

But if you can't get rid of that mindset, I advise you'd better stay single, because it'll foster resentment in you. So at least you won't break someone else's heart. Cause that'll inevitably happen.

I know it's the most cliché, but most people still don't fully get it: be happy with what you have, not what you could have.

nattygang86 · 2023-07-18T09:49:01+00:00

you are wrong, mate. 9 x out of 10 it's the woman who avoids commitment after a casual fling not the man. why do you think so many man complain about women flaking or losing interest? it's because after the woman has used the man she wants for validation, pleasure or an impulsive hook up she moves on to the next adventure.

AstronautLoveShack · 2023-07-18T03:24:04+00:00

Yeah, a young woman starts getting propositioned for sex right around the age she gets her first period. It does put you on guard about men’s intentions. But even in the handful of men who do want a relationship with her, some will want a relationship as a means to the sex. Or just to have a girlfriend and it doesn’t matter who. Or he is a walking red flag. Or she just doesn’t feel attracted to him and can’t force herself to fake it. Or they are simply just not compatible. Basically “interested in a committed relationship” is a positive, but most people of either gender need more than that to make it work.

MistyMaisel · 2023-07-18T03:13:47+00:00

You're not entirely off base, you're just missing elements of male sexuality coming with a predatory or threatening undertone. Like, imagine a lot of tigers wanted to eat you, would you feel good about that? Would you be focused on the fact only some are willing to commit to you?

Now imagine the vulnerability of sex which I think a lot of people, maybe especially women feel and now you're hearing that lots of dudes want to do that to you mechanically, but without emotion or concern for your pleasure, comfort, etc. Again, it just feels extremely gross more than frustrating that you'd probably like to romantically connect with one someday.

Does it suck lots of men want sex and only some want commitment, yeah, but it's probably 4th or 5th down the list of issues you're feeling.

Commitment itself is a fraught thing. Many that would commit are themselves revolting, frightening, or extremely boring. So the fact they desire commitment is a nightmare in itself. It's like hearing a particularly awful tiger wants to eat you slowly over the course of a lifetime. That's not any better, it even sounds sort of worse.

InjectAdrenochrome · 2023-07-18T03:50:06+00:00

Most guys are up front and honest about their intentions, or at least, I can easily read their intentions. It is fairly obvious if someone likes you or if they just want sex in my experience.

disillusionednow · 2023-07-18T03:48:14+00:00

Hell even women seem oblivious to this, otherwise they'd understand why that one ultra attractive guy isn't settling down with them specifically.

I agree with your main point, but I want to disagree on this. It's a significant contributing factor to my dating issues. Not the only one, ofc. I'm aware of that. But I always had the framework. Model-tier facial attractiveness and height. But when I was a bit more average in body fat percentage, dating was EASY. Then I got in exceptional shape, got much leaner to where my face improved even more, etc. I "looksmaxed" as the chronically online like to say.

What happened is 99% of women do not bother with me by default. I get surprised reactions every day and I'm actually used to what I experience on the street just running errands. I have empathy for what women go through with harassment. When I was dating the past couple years I wasn't looking to hookup and I just could not understand why I couldn't get a single date, when I easily could as an objectively less attractive version of myself. I'd get to know a group. I'd make friends with the guys who weren't jealous types, lesbians, gay men, but the straight women looking for relationships acted like I was an enemy. I wasn't imagining this. Yes, there was a rare woman who I felt maybe was a little delusional, but I believe women know.

I've seen this hundreds of times. Eventually with persistence I've become friends with many of them. They're not being unreasonable, but women who are serious about finding a relationship absolutely know which guys are a risk. My closer friends have indicated to me why too. I was a bit disappointed by it because I would have considered several of them as attractive enough (even if society might consider me more conventionally attractive), but they cut it off before it could go anywhere. I've only had success with the absolute hottest women or women who are extremely clear about wanting hookups. That sucks for me because I wasn't seeking hookups, so I was stuck dealing with an incredibly small pool of women who would even entertain me. The hottest women also come with their own issues, and many still prefer to be the spotlight. Quite a few feel the need to still be the better looking partner in the relationship.

I agree with your dynamic that it's difficult for them because the volume of sexual interest to relationship interest is like 100:1. However, the narrative that women don't know their league or meet guys like myself they inherently assume will use them for sex is not true. They actively pick guys closer to their level.

Ok-Supermarket-6747 · 2023-07-18T03:51:38+00:00

Feel like there is a fundamental flaw in your argument. If a supermodel was interested, we could assume it is for more than your poor looks. You can’t both admit she can find ‘better’ but just want to be with you once. Her choosing you at all is indicative of her options at any given time, with the fundamental assumption that she will always choose her best option?

Vapelord420XXXD · 2023-07-18T12:43:17+00:00

Because women in general are not used to rejection. They understand that men will want to fuck them without committing. They have been warned their whole lives. However, most women are usually the ones who start and end relationships so when it happens to them its a shock that some can't handle.

katyushas_boyfriend · 2023-07-18T05:35:15+00:00

Most women have plenty of options for relationships, they just don't think those options are good enough for them.

kvakerok · 2023-07-18T04:48:17+00:00

Can we just agree that there's "partnership attractiveness" and "physical attractiveness" for both sexes, and someone ranking high on one doesn't necessarily rank high on the other?

Modern women can't acquire men that rank high on both, since there's simply not enough of them, so instead they fuck around with high Ph-A men while trying to get the high Ph-A&Pa-A, then try to settle with high Pa-A men once they have kids with the Ph-A guys. It's not rocket science.

GlamSunCrybabyMoon · 2023-07-18T04:55:49+00:00

Not really. I know as a woman that a lot of men are willing to sleep with just about anyone who gives them the chance. It’s not about attractiveness it’s about accessibility. I’ve see absolutely abysmal women always surrounded by men simply because she’s accessible. I’m talking about chads and average guys but average guys are more likely to play the long game and sleep with women until they feel confident enough they could find someone else tomorrow.

I don’t take most advancements seriously because most of the time I know it’s someone just looking to stick it in someone. It’s not about me as a person.

MisterX9821 · 2023-07-18T05:25:33+00:00

The guys that only want that give out those vibes and women know it and ignore it.

If you are looking for a guy on tinder and have this woe lol wtf do you even want anyone to say? That's like being upset you couldn't find vegan options at a butcher shop.

Having much easier access to dating and physical/romantic affection is an advantage. No asterisk. As others have commented the chance of real romantic compatibility is smaller than physical compatibility. It is a numbers game and having more opportunities allows for most women to have more chances for the real romantic click.

philseven12 · 2023-07-18T05:50:01+00:00

i feel bad for women who going thru this. it sucks but they need to take their loss and charge it to the game. alot of them take their frustrations out on regular or below average men who are willing to commit

EdwardTheeMasterful · 2023-07-18T06:43:58+00:00

Curious if there was ever a woman to man empathetic post on this sub? The average woman has better odds finding the relationship she seeks than the average man has finding the relationship he seeks. More men are likely to be attracted to the average woman n, than women are to be attracted to the average man. If a man wants commitment or casual sexual activity.

He’s always gone be a couple steps behind his feminine counterpart. If I had to bet a thousand bucks on who finds a satisfying relationship between a man or woman..9/10 times I’m betting on the woman. Women are more pickier and unforgiving of flaws. Men will try a woman out anyway even if she has flaws and still won’t be the first to initiate a breakup likely.

Watson_A_Name · 2023-07-18T07:31:22+00:00

Imagine if there was a system designed to make a man demonstrate value and commitment to a woman before having sex with her. I think that would weed out a lot of guys who didn't have their best interests in mind. Matter of fact, more guys would probably strive to be the type of upstanding man a woman would want🤔🤔 Naaaah. Nobody would be able to hookup whenever they wanted to though. Oh well.

mlo9109 · 2023-07-18T10:44:30+00:00

We do, and it contributes to burnout in dating. Though , IDK if it's feeling like you're crazy as much as burnout and wondering what the hell is wrong with you when nobody wants to commit to you.

You have to be on guard to avoid being used for sex, which is constantly. After some time, the rejection wears on you if you're looking for a relationship. I know this is why I (33F) am burnt out by dating.

abaxeron · 2023-07-18T12:32:31+00:00

Does this seem accurate to you, or am I off base?

Probably repeating someone who already said this, but you're off base because you assume that most men are only interested in one thing. While technically correct, this "one thing" is to find a partner for mutual love, to live life and grow old with. There's very narrow subset of men who just want to hump and dump. None of this would have been a problem if this subset was not the only one that women even notice.

Hysterical__Paroxysm · 2023-07-18T13:11:50+00:00

Honestly, the most exhausting thing about it is men (especially in this sub) screaming about how easy access to sex and dating is for women, when in reality, sure--sex is easy to get. Quality sex, on the other hand, is few and far between. Finding an actual partner who is in tune with my body and committed to me is different than a FWB is different than a fuckboi who will nut & bolt.

I'll admit I've never had to really deal with that, but it's because I watched my peers deal with it. So I didn't have one night stands. They usually aren't gratifying and imho, they aren't safe. It's still a stranger who is either in my house or I'm at theirs. Sketch.

I am a fairly conventionally attractive woman in my 30s, accomplished, friendly, outgoing... Yeah, I could walk into just about any bar in my city and get some dick.

But is it good dick?

That's where the vetting comes in. And by vetting my sexual partners and romantic partners, then yes--I am going to be picky. I am going to have standards that will be impossible for most of the men interested in having sex with me.

While I'm not always interested in a committed relationship, I am at least interested in quality, reciprocal pleasure and respect. I am always upfront about whether I am looking to casually date or not, though.

My3rstAccount · 2023-07-18T14:24:51+00:00

I was in the opposite boat, wanted a relationship but no woman wanted me. It led to a vicious cycle.

Zombombaby · 2023-07-18T14:56:05+00:00

I've had the opposite experience. I went on a lot of first dares with dudes who wanted to be my boyfriend from day 1.

OmoshiroiKudamono · 2023-07-18T03:59:04+00:00

Its "craziness" because some women believe that they are "10s" because they can't differentiate between the Chads and the true men. The top % of men ONLY exist. The rest are "NPCs."

Men TRY to tell them, but they have that "independent" mindset.

The EASY SOLUTION is to find a MALE FAMILY MEMBER (NOT "friend") TO VET THE MAN.

anonymous--ENFP · 2023-07-18T13:22:03+00:00

It’s also shitty when you get friends with benefits zoned. And then when I started declining FWB because I only want to let people with the intention of marrying me within a few years to be able to sleep with me. And they’re like “That’s way too much to expect from someone”

So apparantly that’s too much to expect to not want to be a placeholder fleshlight until they actually find a girl they want to cherish, travel with, and make their wife

ambrosedc · 2023-07-18T06:32:46+00:00

Well they shouldn't have led on and used and condescended to and broke the heart of the good men that were still interested in a committed relationship when they were young

harmonica2 · 2023-07-18T05:38:56+00:00

what I don't understand is, in this day and age when women are more open to the fwb thing more than ever before, why don't guys just go for women who are okay with that, instead of having to be fraudalent with women who want more?

magiksissclit · 2023-07-18T09:49:38+00:00

r/NotHowGirlsWork

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baiser_vole · 2023-07-18T04:09:14+00:00

Well... It is also that the dating pool can be pretty shitty even if you know the league you are in for acquiring commitment. Even if someone dates below her league, she could very well end up in abusive relationships. People like to act as if people in lower leagues are so fine, but they often are not. Were humans always this shitty is often the question I ask.

Honestly, these days, forget leagues. finding a genuinely good hearted person is hard enough. If someone manages to find TWO good hearted people when looking? THAT's when you get to care about leagues.

SteveSan82 · 2023-07-18T05:14:14+00:00

I slept with a doctor. I knew she would never want me outside of some casual sex when bored. So I never expected anything more

grindsetsimp · 2023-07-18T06:20:02+00:00

including the most attractive man in the world is probably willing to sleep with you no strings attached assuming you are relatively attractive

thats why become a man who won't sleep with any woman and increase your value kings

thelajestic · 2023-07-18T07:08:31+00:00

Does this seem accurate to you, or am I off base?

Completely off base. Like, surely most people of any gender have more people they're willing to sleep with than get into a relationship with?

A relationship requires huge amounts of compatibility and basically not annoying the fuck out of eachother. Having sex only requires that you can put up with someone long enough to fuck and then skedaddle. Obviously some people require a bit more of a baseline attraction and some people need more of a connection before they will have sex, but on the whole the bar is much lower for sex than for a relationship.

I've slept with a lot of guys but there's less than a handful I'd have been willing to get into a relationship with, so it seems only natural that the same would be true of the guys. Since I've never slept with anyone with the expectation of it turning into a relationship, it has never been an issue. Of course there are both men and women who sleep with people with the expectation of it turning into more, but it's not as gendered as you might think. I've known a hell of a lot of men desperate for a relationship who have committed to the first person to show them any interest.

I am really curious about the perspective of lesbian women in particular since they are outside any dynamic involving men.

I'm bi and I've slept with a few women too - all no strings attached. None had any expectation of a relationship and there were no issues with one of us getting more attached and trying to force a connection. Whereas quite a lot of men try to do that when you've agreed NSA sex. I think maybe a lot of men just don't understand that just because a woman has slept with them, doesn't mean she wants a relationship.

Would-Be-Superhero · 2023-07-18T08:36:54+00:00

for a relatively less attractive guy then they are actually worth

It's quite sad that people who have this type of mentality exist. People are worth a partner of a certain level of attractiveness? What the fuckity fuck kind of twisted worldview is that? Who decides those levels and why do they get to decide them?

Epiphanic_Eros · 2023-07-18T13:15:05+00:00

There’s a lot of women I wouldn’t sleep with. There’s even a lot of very hot women that I wouldn’t sleep with. What’s the point, when you can feel that there’s no chemistry?

But your point is still valid

Cethlinnstooth · 2023-07-18T14:25:42+00:00

You're off base. Most of us get warned by our mothers. And those who aren't...no girl goes through highschool without taking note of the dynamics around that girl who fucks real casual like and hardly any of them want to be actual boyfriends.

Ohmaygahh · 2023-07-18T14:38:12+00:00

No they do not feel they are going crazy. Many are not looking for a committed long term relationship.

One of my girls has freely shared that after she broke up a LTR that lasted over a decade, she became open to fucking guys that were in complicated/ethically non monogamous relationships. She wasn't interested in dating them for a LTR, just good enough to fuck.

I do find it pretty remarkable that women who they are only interested in LTR and won't entertain anything else, often have very different sex lives.

It's the hypocrisy that is such an ick.

Galt4MGTOW · 2023-07-18T15:23:47+00:00

This is a stupid debate. The opposite is women are willing to let any guy take them out on a dinner date. It’s food, it doesn’t mean anything. Some women will say hey we’re just two friends eating, this isn’t a date.

Same goes with having sex. Guys have openly stated it’s just fun and not looking for anything.

An average man can take almost any woman out for dinner. If she’s hungry she will say yes.

Spare-Estimate5596 · 2023-07-18T16:02:42+00:00

Women dont understand that if they want a relationship they have to bring something to the table. If men want sex they have to bring the table and the chairs and the food. Once we get the sex its up to you to keep us around.

2023-07-18T16:23:51+00:00

we have to atleast LIKE the guy to sleep w him you guys sleep w literally anything

Blaphrodite · 2023-07-18T19:23:19+00:00

You’re right. It’s part of the reason I’d rather be celibate. It’s much less of a headache than feeling like someone’s convenient cum rag.

They say some guys are willing to wait for sex, majority are not and want to hit it in 3 dates or less.

Seeing what many of them post about their real feelings about women and dating makes me less inclined to be about that life. Maybe if I’m really bored and horny… but more often than not reading a good book is better than getting banged by a guy I barely know. There’s so much to do that getting laid in it’s own sake is not high priority.

For me that’s part of building a connection, the better part of which is built outside my pants

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