Would you have gotten married and had kids if you knew how the sex "turns off" with your wife?

ConsequenceFlaky1329 · 2024-06-20T11:56:32+00:00

Woman’s perspective here. As a woman whose husband pulled the dead bedroom thing out of the woodwork after I gave birth it was a huge blow to my self esteem and worth. I’m basically back to weight before baby and have chosen celibacy, to be clear we are legally seperated. Now that being said I pursued him aggressively as I have a very high drive, I’m a female with high T, and he would reject me even for holding hands, cuddling and kisses. I even was told by him don’t tell me that you miss me. That was the last straw for me. 2 weeks no sex and pretty sure either the porn was going on or an affair or both. Rejecting the one person that is supposed to be intimate with you like your husband or wife is literally a form of cruel psychological warfare. At this rate even if we were to get back together I have no interest in sex because of all the neglect and disrespect that came with it.

It’s a fucked up power play that usually women pull to get leverage elsewhere. But when a man does it especially a man as young as my husband red flags started going up in a lot of other areas in our marriage. I would rather not even touch myself because of how I felt rejected and I can not even think about sex anymore. Prior to our separation the last time we did have sex was such a turn off him sweating alcohol all over me and he was dirty and stinking from the gym and I felt like a cheap hooker. It was degrading. I thought this shit is what I have to look forward to? Hell no I’m worth way better than that. It was the worst weekend of my life.

At least now I don’t have to pick up his stinking socks or cook food I don’t eat anymore just to please him. I gave him everything and he stopped appreciating me. We can barely talk anymore without arguing and now he lives with the only woman he respects, his mama. To say I’m done is an understatement. I deserve better, and I intend to accept nothing less. You should do the same. Stop letting your children dictate your intimate life. People always blame the kids for the dead bedroom, that’s bullshit, you just are not interested in making the effort and would rather make excuses, otherwise why get married if you’re going to be a sexually frustrates roommate your whole life? Life’s too short, man.

WindowFuzz · 2024-06-13T19:28:43+00:00

Kids are wonderful, but it is important that you do not live your life only for your kids. They will grow up and become adults and move on-you’ll be lucky, when they are adults, if you can speak to them once or twice a month. We did that to our parents and our kids will understandably do that to us— it’s like that old “cats in the cradle…we’ll get together then” song. Enjoy the kids and be a good father when you can, but don’t destroy your life in the process.

Sex is brief. More important is having a female partner who expresses touch, caring, being supportive and love, at least for me. I’ve found that when sex is gone, she also stops doing those other things , and it is really that absence, of those other things, that creates a dead, soul-sucking relationship. Guys (at least me) are pretty clueless, so we only notice the absence of sex without realizing all the other missing things.

ninjaxams4 · 2024-06-13T13:58:07+00:00

Sex never really turned off, definitely became a chore at different points for her throughout the marriage however. Sex is pretty much the only thing we did have outside of our dedication to our kids and pets. It was usually pretty awesome. That said I would definitely do it over again for my kids. Shes a manipulative, abusive, and cheating pos but we somehow churned out two great kids that I think the absolute world of. They are definitely the best of us and worth the 19 years of crap I went through.

jkw118 · 2024-06-12T01:19:45+00:00

So 1st off, I totally get you. Secondly after my ex said she wanted a divorce, (then cheated on me 3x before the paperwork was even filed) and FYI (I'm not super muscled, but am fairly fit.) I was like okay, she had been almost bed ridden with depression for 7 years (and our youngest was 5 at the time, and didn't consider her mother, a mother) At least she's getting off her ass, maybe she'll become a half descent mother. And maybe it'll work out. (and fyi she essentially refused to have sex 90% of the time unless she wanted a child, and that I'm sure was on her part a combination of maybe it'll make me feel better and to hook me along longer in the relationship.

Any case Paperwork gets filed, she shows up drunk off her ass. She's still living in the house at the time, in the bedroom. I was living in a spare room, on a foldout couch.

So the day she told me about the divorce (the night of her birthday), after I literally helped her up the steps, because she was barely taking care of herself and her body was barely functioning (as she wasn't eating/sleeping right). The following monday, she goes out. Tells me she has a job, and starts it the next week. Is out all night, every night, till early morning, and I'm working FT, taking care of all 3 kids. Her mom stops over and takes care of the kids when I'm at work.

Two days later in severe drunkenness --fyi she was driving, she shows up at the house at 1am, calls my phone and is sitting on the deck with another bottle of wine. The only time she's ever been honest. Essentially drank two bottles of wine, in a night. Yeah so she tells me her plan, 10 years before divorce she was almost 100% sure she was going to divorce me. She came up with this plan that she would have another kid or two with me (this was when she was about to get pregnant with our 2nd kid). Part of it, she even said was to have more kids with me so she could get more child support. And she figured she'd get to keep the house, and have a higher spousal support because well "it's her". and her parents have alot of money which she repeatedly brought up (I don't) And that she expected me to live out of my car, she didn't care were as long as it wasn't at the house. As she knew I wouldn't be able to afford anything with all of the bills she had run up (30K) + the house etc.. expected me to keep paying for all of it. And take care of the kids when I wasn't working, till they went to sleep every night and she was back from partying..

And that's pretty much verbatim what I was told. I told her goodnight as I had to get to work, and goodluck..(3am rolled around and she wanted me to get cigarettes, she woke me up, I refused and she hoped in her car and drove into a tree in front of a cop. Then claimed it was the meds the dr's gave her. And got it written off)

Rollercoaster72 · 2024-06-11T06:23:58+00:00

I noticed this too after the kids were born, her libido went down and decided I would propose a day in the week were we would have sex. There were only a few moments a week were we would be without kids (when the kids were both at sports) and we took those slots (1-2 hours) to have sex.

We did this till a day before she wanted to end our marriage.

I asked her why did you have sex with nee eventhough you were thinking of leaving, she said: I also have my needs.

(When I told this to my female friends, they said; did you marry a man or what?)

I knew I drank too much during and after covid and that was a problem but I did my 50% part of the house and children at any time, and we laughed together on a dailey basis. So I was really shocked bc there really weren't any signs she was unhappy. We hugged, kissed and said we love eachother on a daily basis... and had 1-2 times a week Sex. We even did car sex regulary when we would go shopping for groceries alone or went to the garden house for a quick fuck ...

It didn't matter at all... 25 years ... full of sex and joy ...

Whatever I recently met a new woman, same age and she loves sex... three times a day is normal (if we find the time, which is very hard... my Ex left my son to me (100%) and my daughter to 50%... and she has twin daughters...)

Live goes on

RelationshipAny7219 · 2024-06-10T20:55:10+00:00

I would have still gotten married for sure, my kids are amazing, and there isn't any sacrifice I wouldn't have done or wouldn't still do for them. Regarding the sex turning off, I regret not communicating needs and asking to see a therapist early on. Ignoring an issue that destroys a relationship like a perceived withholding of sex (manipulation), especially when adultery is discovered, that can cause a downward spiral of events that are very tough to recover from even in the strongest relationships. I do acknowledge there are situations where there is an illness (physical or mental) that can reduce or rid a relationship of sex, these relationships can still succeed because a need is properly responded to, rather than a manipulation that builds tension over time. If I was a young man and I found myself in a sexless marriage, I would ask my partner to consider therapy.

Both_Kick8629 · 2024-06-10T20:38:03+00:00

For some reason it's almost always the case.. same experience here, and looking back at it now, after having my first son everything crumbled ... I have come to believe that it might be a genetics sort of mechanism.. obviously all the attention and work needs to be focused on the new life ... In my experience, my ex wife started talking about divorce for the very first time shortly after my first son was born. I remember that I stayed then because I thought it was probably due to the drastic changes due to giving birth and that it will probably get better.. it was also around the time she made a new "friend" ... I loved her and my son so I stayed.. 2 years later she met another "friend" and asked for divorce , I tried so hard to try and maintain the family united but it was helpless ... What hurt the most was hearing the phrase "I never loved you ", ignoring me and treating me with hate, making plans with my kid and her "friend" .. I couldn't take it anymore after so many signals I had to have some evidence as I thought I was going crazy and it was all inside my head, until I checked her phone and I still remember how I felt when I started seeing all the evidence, and what's even more f*d up is that she continued lying and she didn't know that I knew.. I had no other choice but to accept the divorce .. my point is that usually there's a 3rd party involved somewhere , even if you believe otherwise, because you think it's impossible.. everything is possible unfortunately

Chaotic_Boots · 2024-06-10T16:49:07+00:00

Nope. Wouldn't have gotten married after learning any one of about a dozen things about what would happen.

Reading this post is weird because I absolutely could've written it, our stories are that similar.

The good news is: now that I'm also in the best shape of my life, and single pretty much for the first time as an adult, I'm not hurting for physical companionship. Right now I'm seeing two ladies, down from 4, because I needed to pump the breaks just to have some time to myself. I think 3 is my absolute limit, but 2 is my sweet spot. They all know the deal and I'm not lying to anybody about what I'm doing.

If you're a decent human and in decent shape in your mid thirty's to mid 40's the dating world is your oyster, the bar is in hell for dudes, you'll be swimming in ladies in no time.

AttemptScary4550 · 2024-06-10T13:34:38+00:00

Yes. First 2 years were great. Then the first was born. The only way the bedroom really heated up again was when she wanted to get pregnant again or thought I was l losing interest. Then she found someone else that caught her attention. For a little while I benefitted from a renewed libido then she left for him. Even in a good healthy relationship sex can be difficult. I love my kids and will never regret anything I experienced to have them in my life!

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-06-10T13:12:24+00:00

Her libido turned off for YOU. Big difference.

You took on a feminine role by working out to get sex, giving her time off to get sex, doing chores to get sex. You were desperate. Women are very intuitive mate she could see your game a mile away and it was a turn off. Women are not turned on by desperate guys.

What you should have done was stay focused on you. Did you make sure to get your guy time in? Did you make sure to do separate activities? Plenty of time apart? Separate trips from time to time? Women will make sure to have regular sex to keep her guy locked down. When you spend time apart it gets her wondering, when you go out together and shes sees other women looking it gets her wondering. This is what gets her competitive juices flowing.

If you were just a paycheck, nanny and house maid with no threat of straying in her mind then why would she give you regular sex?

As for the real question hell yes kids are awesome. I'd recommend marriage, kids and divorce to any guy as long as you choose a woman who will make a great co-parent.

Vivid-Juggernaut2833 · 2024-06-10T11:26:53+00:00

Absolutely not.

I thought sex would gradually return to be at least 1x per week after about 6 months post-partum. Coming up on 9 months, and not only are we at less than 1x monthly, but she has taken an official position against me making requests or advances for sex because it “makes her feel guilty for not giving me sex”.

While equitable distribution of labor is important by itself and on its own to prevent resentment, the idea of “choreplay” is absolute bullshit, because it pre-supposes that sex only benefits the man, and that sex ought to be doled out as an incentive for good behavior.

Still working on things in my case, but anyone without kids, you are better off running for the hills and replacing your spouse. It sounds callous, but being newly single (or entering an affair) is the only way to reignite a woman’s interest in her own libido. The internet is replete with men who’ve spent 5, 10, 20 years wasting away without sex and physical affection because society tells us men are selfish for expressing or attending to that need in particular.

Stryctly-speaking · 2024-06-10T07:27:07+00:00

C20H25N3O-C21H30O2 · 2024-06-10T06:20:51+00:00

r/deadbedrooms

TearResponsible2720 · 2024-06-10T06:04:53+00:00

Nope I was very clear on my wants and needs and what I could do for my partner

Illgetitdonelater · 2024-06-10T05:38:24+00:00

My wife always wanted to have sex, sooo maybe I could hook you up. She’s a bit …..crazy though.
I think it varies person to person, plenty of women have a high sex drive.

2024-06-10T04:43:55+00:00

wisstinks4 · 2024-06-10T04:39:27+00:00

No. I would not pursue marriage. Just smashing.

theoracleofosiris · 2024-06-10T04:16:51+00:00

capnjackstation · 2024-06-10T02:55:20+00:00

I wouldn’t get married again for any reason. No upside.

Subtle-Catastrophe · 2024-06-10T02:46:26+00:00

Sex was never a problem and never declined over twenty years of marriage. We were highly compatible that way. We were still doing it until the day I moved out. It was all the other BS that developed over time.

Mister_Vandemar · 2024-06-10T02:20:13+00:00

Yes? My marriage wasn’t pleasant, but I’d do it all again for my kid.

MandingoMaasai · 2024-06-10T02:10:21+00:00

I'm at a loss here but I understand this might be a cultural difference.

At some point, as a man, do you have a conversation with your wife about having to seek sex elsewhere, or d'you continue to try and negotiate for it with her?

And what happened when you decided this was a deal breaker for you? Did she then miraculously have a change of heart or was she still adamant about dying on that hill?

PghSubie · 2024-06-10T01:57:42+00:00

Question -- is your wife using some form of hormonal birth control, either pull or IUD?

Strict-Front-2375 · 2024-06-10T01:04:48+00:00

Before marriage she would say something like wake me up if you want to go again after marriage it was you snore too loud maybe u should sleep on the couch

ideastoconsider · 2024-06-10T00:33:44+00:00

Absolutely not.

Those of us who have beautiful children will of course not wish to undo history; however, to then stay in this desert after the fact would be madness.

Libido parity and mutual sexual attraction matters. You will feel old beyond your years as a person who needs these and has been dry for years.

After divorce, your children still love you, and you feel life coming back into your soul.

Drjaydvm · 2024-06-10T00:19:55+00:00

Take the wedding ring off and these fridged ex wives can’t get enough sex.

probebeta · 2024-06-09T23:57:16+00:00

My problem was always the opposite. Once you pass that novelty phase of the new kitty I'm just not as interested in sex with that person, not as much anyway.

I think marriage is intended for family, kids, and historically it was about acquisition of inlaws. Marriage was not meant to lock your partner down so that you can have decades of exciting sex 😂

BigPapaJava · 2024-06-09T23:52:33+00:00

My daughter is my entire world. If I hadn’t married my ex, she would not be here, so yes.

CharlerBubbenstein · 2024-06-09T23:35:45+00:00

She was never attracted to you. You are a provider and a sperm donor. Now that you've done your job and the providing is secured thanks to the baby there will be no more sex ever. Either lawyer up or deal with it, nothing will change.

bk2747 · 2024-06-09T23:35:23+00:00

Nope, I would’ve just stayed boyfriend and girlfriend and had the kids. Would’ve been much easier.

Also, time for a divorce.

TechnicalAd5152 · 2024-06-09T23:32:45+00:00

What's REALLY annoying about sex when married was shed always refuse refuse refuse then once a month id convince her to do it then for hours afterwards she'd say how good she feels and how she really needed that. It's like well yes no shit

TechnicalAd5152 · 2024-06-09T23:28:30+00:00

Sounds like my marriage no more sex once the baby was born and her excuse was she was afraid of getting pregnant despite birth control AND a condom

stupididiot78 · 2024-06-09T22:49:22+00:00

I had the exact opposite problem. She liked sex so much that she started having it with someone else.

SirOssis · 2024-06-09T22:18:12+00:00

No, I wouldn’t have gotten married and subsequently divorced.

Joocewayne · 2024-06-09T21:47:02+00:00

It never turned off for me. We had sex all the time.

Mine just wanted to have it with other people as well. It ripped out my soul once I figured out everything.

I do wonder if I’d marry her again if I had the choice. Because I love my kids so much and wouldn’t have them if I didn’t marry her, the answer is yes. I’d go through the pain all over again just to have my girls.

pharmd718 · 2024-06-09T21:43:05+00:00

What you’re describing is a form of abuse. Regardless if you gained weight or lost your job! You need to exit the marriage. The longer you wait, the worse you will feel. I understand it’s hard because you have kids involved. I was there (two small kids) and made the decision to finally cut her out of my life. 5 years later, I am so much better for it. I’ve met women who have a very healthy sexual appetite. You have one life to live.

Strict-Front-2375 · 2024-06-09T21:39:11+00:00

No, no one would, but it's much like saying 'would you get married if you knew you would get divorced?'

Everyone know divorce is very common outcome to marriage. None of us think it will happen to us.

We've all heard stories of wives not wanting sex with their husbands, but no one thinks it would happen to them.

Much like divorce, if you had to sign something that says 100% 'hey, 3 years in, sex is done' I can't imagine many folks would do that.

Relevant_Fuel_9905 · 2024-06-09T21:37:45+00:00

I would still do it again because it gave me three amazing kids. However, it’s now a sex and affection-less trap. Didn’t have to be but I guess that’s what she wants.

ForgottenSon2 · 2024-06-09T21:36:15+00:00

I didn’t even get to have sex on my wedding night. I instantly got the cold shoulder hours after the wedding. She made me wait damn near a week. She rather hung out with her drunk friends than do the deed.

Lumptbuttcat · 2024-06-09T20:54:40+00:00

Well, if I married a wife who had zero care about her husbands needs, then no. I am not saying she should force herself to have sex with you. She should, however, recognize the significance of not having sex with her spouse. It’s not good.

In other words “I know not wanting to have sex is bad for our marriage. We need to get help to get through this. I want to want to have sex”

Nadathug · 2024-06-09T20:52:50+00:00

My ex wife and I had a great sex life when we were dating, then I actually started losing interest because she would actually find things to fight about DURING SEX. I was just trying to avoid fights with her, because NOT having sex was less soul-crushing than fighting during sex. Then she started complaining that we weren’t having sex enough, like it was my fault. I used to believe all that “happy wife, happy life” bs, and we were already living together, so what did my dumb ass decide to do??

PROPOSE! Actually, things got better until about 3 months after the wedding. At first, the spark came back, our sex life resumed, and she stopped complaining about everything. Then her (adult) brothers needed a place to stay because they couldn’t live with her mom anymore. Why? Her mom was found guilty of welfare fraud and lost her apartment.

Sex was over. Even when she was in the mood I couldn’t get into it with her brothers in the next room. She’d say “do you want me to kick them out? I’ll tell them they can’t stay anymore, but ITS YOUR CHOICE”, which was a trap for her to make it seem like I kicked her family out. I dealt with them living with us for 3 YEARS, until I moved out after the divorce. They probably still live there now.

I’d plan vacations, staycations, random getaways. Hoping to have sex without her stupid loser brothers there. We’d get to the hotel and she’d have stomach cramps, or start a fight about something. A couple of times a year we’d actually do the deed, then she’d complain that I didn’t come in her. Like as if I was really trying to put a kid in her with how well the marriage was(n’t) going.

I let myself get used because I thought it was the noble thing to do. Not only will I never get married, or even live with a woman ever again, but there are now some red flags I won’t even consider for “sex only” dating.

(Mainly, if she has a mom on welfare) 🤣

ajanty · 2024-06-09T20:49:15+00:00

Not sure if I would do, because I love my daughter. Frankly speaking it's embarassing how much this is evident and no one tells you, not even your father, imagine friends (perhaps they're ashamed of the situation).

However, you better focus on yourself, take the best part of the relationship (generally the kids), try not to fight her and if you're handsome have a side piece, otherwise pay for it. DON'T do the home stuff, it will make you miserable and, as you witnessed, this will get you nothing back.

SighRamp · 2024-06-09T20:23:28+00:00

Men need to be clear with their wives even before marriage. If she stops wanting to be intimate then she’s the same as a roommate. If she stops don’t get upset if you forced into getting a side piece.

henrysmyagent · 2024-06-09T20:05:30+00:00

The vast majority of women who have low libido in a marriage just have low libido for YOU.

Her feelings didnt "change" after marriage. She settled for a nice guy who is a good provider but never really gave her the tingles.

BAIL. Bail now. It never gets better.

She will string you along until she finds your replacement.

You deserve to be with a woman who DESIRES you. She deserves to be with a chump who will put up with this crap.

Independent_Owlz · 2024-06-09T19:58:43+00:00

My ex and I had an extreme physical attraction for almost 20 years. At the end we were basically hate fucking each other. Sometimes it felt meaningless or that we were both trying to fill some void.

Hard to describe.

If I could do over again knowing our history I should’ve waited to propose to her.

Here I am mid forties wondering what I could’ve done differently.

MR-Ozmidnight · 2024-06-09T19:50:26+00:00

Lol, mine turned off on the wedding night, "I want to keep it special," were her words on our wedding night I didn't believe what people were saying but yes she came out after the wedding and said I won't keep it special so I didn't know it was just going to be twice a year and so. e times it got worse than that. We had a great sex life before the wedding if I knew what was going to happen I would have kicked her a## to the curb, but I had my son so I concentrated on him she got me through until I had enough of her BS and she ran off with a friend leaving me with my sons. Then, when he dumped her, she came back and divorced me and got the house, my money, and the boys, which hurt the most.

SelectionNo3078 · 2024-06-09T19:49:49+00:00

I would not have married her if I’d known she would shut down sex and our actual relationship after our first kid

Would not have agreed to another kid but she convinced me things would be different

Ok-Suit1420 · 2024-06-09T19:33:14+00:00

We had a cancer scare that did require her to get chemo and radiology. She said initially, yeah ‘we’re not doing that anymore, I’m fighting for my life here.’ We made it through the treatments and she was deemed ‘healthy again—they monitored her margins that never changed meaning no more cancerous growths.

It’s hard for me to talk about irl because I still have mixed feelings. On the one hand I wanted to support her fully and be what she needed. On the other, it wasn’t a conversation at all. And even after treatments she’d get upset that I even wanted to have a conversation about it. Before that, for 10 years it was whenever I wanted so maybe I shouldn’t complain too much idk.

Illustrious_Ant7588 · 2024-06-09T19:30:52+00:00

If it was just sex, then yes. What I didn’t comprehend was that she would stop ‘wanting’ me or even caring about us as a couple. That hurts. I miss being wanted.

Insertpickle · 2024-06-09T19:28:42+00:00

These are the post I read to remind myself why not to get married. Sex for men is our love language. I can’t wrap my head around paying for everything and the person im doing it for is just like “no thanks.”

Title	Would you have gotten married and had kids if you knew how the sex "turns off" with your wife?
Author	DeadBedroomRealTalk
Upvotes	80
Comments	106
Date	June 9, 2024 7:22 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1dc1s69/would_you_have_gotten_married_and_had_kids_if_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/would-you-have-gotten-married-and-had-kids-if-you.1521069 https://theredarchive.com/post/1521069

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