Is sex a product of a good relationship or is it a pre-requisite to one?

krackedy · 2024-09-25T12:33:16+00:00

Growing up I always considered it a pre-requisite, it was practically the only reason to even want a relationship. The relationship could be judged based on the quantity of sex.

Now that I'm married with 3 kids I believe it's more the product of a good relationship. The sex comes naturally when we are happy together and prioritize our marriage. When we take the time to still date each other, flirt, do nice things for each other, etc, there's no concerns about sex. We both want it, we both initiate. When we are so busy with life and kids that we forget about romance, it starts feeling like we are roommates.

It's a bit of both, in the end. There has to be mutual attraction and comparable sex drives but how you nurture the relationship is going to determine the frequency and quality of sex.

ExcelsiorState718 · 2024-09-25T16:03:16+00:00

Without sex your basically just platonic friends, roommates...To answer the question I think it comes down to the individuals..for example two people with low libidos sex may not be important equation in the relationship. Maybe in lesbian relationships the physical aspect is less important.but for most men sex is a prerequisite for a good relationship..depending on what we consider good...but there's a diffrence between a functioning relationship and a mutually satisfying relationship.

alebruto · 2024-09-25T13:30:35+00:00

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Lift_and_Lurk · 2024-09-25T13:15:28+00:00

I think they are interconnected. Like you can’t be into great relationship, be very much into the other person, value them and want to be good for them except when it comes to the most intimate part (sex). I think they go together. Great sex often makes people go “wow there might be something more to this than just is having a good time and figuring things out” and in a great relationship people are going to communicate (both verbally and not) what they like while also that level of closeness is going to make the sex better.

Main_Aside_3072 · 2024-09-25T15:27:20+00:00

One of the biggest reasons for divorce is infidelity.

Sex and attraction are among the biggest requisites in a relationship.

Knife_up_your_butt · 2024-09-25T15:34:42+00:00

Relationships are fundamentally a transaction. The man provides what the woman desires and the woman provides what the man desires. Nothing more, nothing less. If the man wants sex you provide it and you'll be happy to make your SO happy. If the woman wants compliments, safety, comfort, ... Then the man must provide it and be happy it'll make their SO happy.

This isn't complicated...

TeacherSterling · 2024-09-25T13:11:25+00:00

I think that both things can be true.

Sometimes you can have good sex without a good relationship, but the feeling is empty of meaning. It's good in the way that junk food is. It's rarely satisfying.

However, a good relationship can make sex better. Women's ability to orgasm is directly correlated with their feelings and how safe they feel. Many women report inability to orgasm under emotional stress, guilt, or feelings of inadequacy. Thus that good relationship makes the sex more intense and pleasureful for both sides.

Furthermore, if sex is treated like an obligation of course it looks it's fun. If your partner constantly was begging you for sex or you felt you needed to have sex on some schedule or else someone would be upset with you, then you are simply not going to enjoy it as much.

I do think that many women have a mostly reactive sex drive and so the man does feel pressure to initiate. And rejection is not an easy emotion to deal with for anyone.

However I do think that given the nature of a romantic relationship, for most individuals the frequency of sex relative to the higher libido partner's desire is a strong indicator of relationship happiness. And a lack of sex certainly sets off red flags. Some relationships can survive without any sex, such as those between two chaste individuals or those who have disabilities which prevent them from engaging in intercourse. However, if sex is a part of the expression of the love of the relationship, the lack of that expression often will spell the death of that relationship.

ibookmarkeverything · 2024-09-25T14:19:03+00:00

Honestly, both. It's expected, it keeps relationships healthy, and it's likely to happen more often when the relationship is going well.

Certain-Ganache-6213 · 2024-09-25T15:18:09+00:00

Sex kinda comes first, and a relationship will follow. You kinda keep it open unless she wants 100% to be with you and is giving you high investment signals. Sex is always that one thing that will bond you.

weenieandthebutt · 2024-09-25T13:29:31+00:00

My most recent relationship was 95% sexless. She revealed to me that she became "asexual" at the end of the second day and I stupidly agreed (I was touch starved and genuinely looking for love/marriage).

But after learning about their history, this shit does make you resentful that they'll easily put out for others but not give you the same treatment. Sex has and will always be the main perk for any man in a relationship, doesn't matter how you spin it ("B..b.ut... I got to know you as a person").

mobjack · 2024-09-25T13:31:03+00:00

Sex certainly helps a lot.

It is more about the physical intimacy and being vulnerable together than the actual sex part. It can be really healing if after experiencing stress or a fight together.

If you are able to share this physically intimacy, sex is a natural product of it.

the_1st_inductionist · 2024-09-25T13:46:57+00:00

Good relationships are developed, from ignorance to soulmates. So, it depends on what stage of a good relationship you’re talking about. Sexual attraction is necessary to enter a good relationship. Sex is a product of that good relationship developing further. Sex is necessary for the good relationship to develop even further than that.

rustlerhuskyjeans · 2024-09-25T14:40:31+00:00

If your partner isn’t excited to have sex with you often, why would you do that? Does this happen the first 5 years of a relationship? I’ve seen a few of these posts and assuming they weren’t in an arranged marriage, I’m not sure what we’re talking about.

If you have a real new relationship and you won’t have sex with him for any reason, this guy has to be a loser with no options. No way any respectable man puts up with this.

Good sex can be developed over time in a relationship. The women I had the best sexual chemistry up front doesn’t mean the relationship will last. I’ve met girls and had sex to total exhaustion for days. Then we didn’t talk 3 weeks later again.

Then you can start out having mediocre sex, then year later you’re having incredible sex and falling in love. Haven’t seen that much correlation between immediate sexually chemistry and whether or not you want to be together.

purplish_possum · 2024-09-25T22:38:07+00:00

Both.

Sex is a prerequisite for a relationship.

Good relationships make sex better.

wtknight · 2024-09-26T01:49:57+00:00

My experience has been that the sex was better when my partners were more into me, so I’d say that it’s the product of a good relationship, good meaning that both people are attracted to each other.

Key-Faithlessness-29 · 2024-09-26T04:10:39+00:00

I would say a good relationship is where you have regular sex. If both partners (especially women) are horny enough for eachother it means she feels safe enough with him and also attracted to him.

Majority of relationships fail when partners lose attraction and sex becomes a chore or as you said an obligation.

A good sign of a relationship is where both parties enthusiastically consent and desire sex.

For me personally if i feel she doesn't want it as much as i do and she is "putting out for me" i would instantly be turned off. Sex is enjoyable more when both people wNt it. Also if the woman is satisfied in sex well she will generally be more in love the same way as a man.

ta06012022 · 2024-09-25T12:49:57+00:00

I’ve had sex without relationships but I’ve never had relationships without sex. That would imply that sex is the prerequisite. And I think that’s typically true. Sex usually happens by the third date, before a new couple has agreed to commitment. So in the vast majority of cases, sex comes first.

But the quality of sex can improve over time as couples learn what the other person likes. The sex in the long term relationship can be better than the sex you had with the same woman on the first date.

Jaded-Worldliness597 · 2024-09-25T14:25:18+00:00

You are thinking about this all wrong. The advice you were given and how you took it don't match up, and that is essentially why you are struggling. Perhaps you lean asexual, or you haven't really spent time with a man that is highly attractive to you.... or it's possible your anxiety has gotten in the way of your feelings and enjoyment.

A good relationship will have regular sex as a part of it. If this isn't happening then you are going to find yourself faced with all sorts of nasty problems in the long run... not just from him but both of you.

The one thing you need to understand because a lot of people seem to mess this up. Men do not fall in love because of sex or through sex. That's much more common for women. The goal is to have your man fall in love with you BEFORE sex occurs. The reason for that is not many men are going to fall in love with you because of sex.

So, does that make sense? Sex is absolutely something that makes men happy and helps you have a great relationship, but it isn't what makes men love you or a better way to put it is that sex isn't what makes you worthy of love.

I hope that helps.

soontobesolo · 2024-09-25T12:59:06+00:00

It's both, ideally at least. A good relationship cultivates a good sex life, and a good sex life cultivates a good relationship and overall happiness. It's a positive feedback loop, hopefully.

But women do need to realize that good sex is a *necessary* part of a relationship to most men, even if it's not *sufficient* for an ideal relationship. If women deprioritize sex, or worse, demean their partners for wanting it "too much" or whatever, this positive feedback loop turns into a negative feedback loop and it all falls apart.

Ok-Dust-4156 · 2024-09-25T13:19:40+00:00

Pre-requisite of course. There's no point to be in relationships without sex. There are better ways to use your time.

Involved_Currently · 2024-09-25T13:53:58+00:00

I agree with you, however I will say that sexual connection in bed is an independent aspect and different from emotional and mental connection. Similarily how you connect with some partners emotionally and physically but not mentally, you can connect with partners mentally and emotionally but not physically. A lack of connection doesnt necessarily mean you cant be in a relationship, but it will mean that something is always missing. And thats really not good because it will leave you unsatisfied and longing.

So whilst great sex depends on emotional connection and a good, healthy, intimate relationship for sure, sometimes it just doesnt vibe in this regard at all, or not well enough and that sucks. Some differences are fine ofc, its not like I expect perfection, but if I was in a relationship that is seriously lacking a mental connection I am pretty sure it wouldnt last, or how I wouldnt want to date someone I cant have any emotional connection with at all. Similarily connecting physically in some way is also important.

What that means for me, is that she is interested in physically, is pleasured by and enjoys having sex with me. And that we kinda like doing the same things.

If shes not into me, its not going to work. If we dont like the same things and cant find a compromise that is sufficiently enjoyable, its not going to work.

Edit: Currently im seeing a girl that I cant have an emotional connection with because she doesnt want to commit and wants to keep the relationship on her terms, guess what, thats not something I can work with. Sexual and mental connection is there so its a shame really. Evidently sex is just an aspect.

Bombos0 · 2024-09-25T14:32:31+00:00

Potentially both, with the difference that the first may not be true or temporarily deactivated, but the second MUST definitely be essential.

ZennedGame · 2024-09-25T15:38:24+00:00

[permanently deleted]

FaultySchematic · 2024-09-25T16:33:34+00:00

A good relationship is a very intimate one for me and a lot of sexual energy is exchanged. I get my partners off a lot and they’re eager to get me off. Sometimes I’m not feeling it, sometimes she’s not feeling it, and that’s not a problem. I wouldn’t date someone who wasn’t highly sexual though.

DisplacedBitzer · 2024-09-25T18:18:12+00:00

Monogamy without sex is simply celibacy.

Because monogamy is two parts.

a) you agree to not sleep with anyone else. b) you sleep with each other.

Missing either part of these two makes it not monogamy. Moving on, I think a good sex life is required to have a good relationship. Ever browsed the dead bedroom subreddit? These people stay because their partner is “perfect” in every single way except sex. But are driven mad by the lack of it. Those aren’t good relationships, no matter what those poor schmucks say. I’ve experienced a relationship without any intimacy and it’s a hell id not wish on any other. She treated me alright outside of that, but that was frankly a horrible relationship in retrospect in how that made me feel. She was literally hiding that she was asexual as I told her straight to her face I would kill someone for her to even kiss me.

So we’ve established it’s a prerequisite to a healthy relationship. But that doesn’t mean the frequency isn’t increased by having a healthy relationship in all other respects. Treating your partner well should mean they want to sleep with you more. Treating them poorly should mean they don’t want to at all. But this hasn’t been my experience, it seems I need to not treat partners as well as I’d like to for them to want to sleep with me more. Sucks but is what it is. There is some validity in the whole bad guys sleep around/turn women on more, vs treating them well does the opposite. I still treat partners well, but I have to kind of hold back from treating them too nicely if that makes sense.

I don’t think the whole product methodology is healthy personally. Sex is a binding tool that’s needed even when the relationship is rocky in my opinion. If the slightest trouble turns my relationship into a dead bedroom, then I don’t want to date that person. Yea, the frequency can be reduced. But that’s exactly how you turn your sex life into a transactional shit show for doing things to make you happy with moving goal posts for your partner. Much healthier to simply treat it as a pre-requisite in my opinion, reduced frequency but not absent.

If you want a real answer(the correct answer imo) browse the dead bedroom subreddit. So many people in perfect healthy relationships outside this one component that you believe not so important and they are driven insane and resentful by it. Men and women.

lastoflast67 · 2024-09-25T18:53:50+00:00

pre requisite, very few men can actually love a woman without being sexually attracted and reasonably sexually satisfied by her. A good relationship can make sex better but it does not mean that sex is a product of it.

izzzy12k · 2024-09-25T19:52:45+00:00

Well, in my opinion sex should be a desire between both involved.. That notion of physical intimacy is what sets a relationship apart from just a friendship.

That physical intimacy should be a product of a good relationship, and not necessarily a pre-requisite.

But you should consider sexual compatibility before fully establishing a long term relationship or marriage.

This way there's less of a chance one of the parties involved will end up unhappy or feel they are in a dead bedroom scenario. Especially if there's a huge disparity in their natural desire for physical intimacy.

Fun_Push7168 · 2024-09-25T21:36:01+00:00

It's both.

I'm going to skip elaboration on that though because I just want to say this;

You have brought up a bit of a catch 22.

While the majority of people aren't looking for a sexless relationship and indeed most forms of partner are inherently sexual relationships which means it's for the most part required. Humans don't generally pair bond without it.

The problem, knowing it's essentially required frames it as an obligation. Obligations are joy sucking. In the same way that getting a job doing something you love can take the love away because now you do it because you have to.

Doing it because you want to fosters the joy for it. Having joy for it makes the relationship viable.

In any case. You may find your interest accelerates as you are allowed to have interest when you want to. This obligation view really destroys sex drive. Doing it for your enjoyment fosters it.

I guess the ticket is really to match drive to a reasonable degree. If they get too far away from each other it just won't work for most people sustainably.

naked_engineer · 2024-09-25T23:08:21+00:00

Both. It all depends on the person.

Goonerlouie · 2024-09-25T23:59:22+00:00

I would say both. I don’t believe you can have an adequate monogamous relationship without it, but I also believe it gets developed by having a good relationship.

For my experience, I dated my wife at 17 and we did not have sex until 6 months had passed. We have conservative upbringings though and both virgins.

Was it a dealbreaker? No we still had a good slow paced relationship. So idk how to answer your question

Anti_Thing · 2024-09-26T00:17:20+00:00

Sex is (potentially) a product of a good relationship. The ultimately successful premarital romantic "relationship" leads to marriage, which necessarily includes sex (with few exceptions). A couple who naturally love & respect each other will naturally *want* to make each other cum.

Marriage is a prerequisite for sex, though sex is an essential part of a marriage (unless it's medically impossible, or perhaps if they're both elderly & both OK with not having it).

MyUpSeemsDown · 2024-09-26T02:21:09+00:00

I think for most people love, sex, and the drive for it are all natural and go hand in hand most of the time.

Wattehfok · 2024-09-26T04:31:49+00:00

Porque no los dos?

Caicedonia · 2024-09-26T09:28:14+00:00

It’s a pre requisite for women yes.

Lolocraft1 · 2024-09-26T11:38:00+00:00

I do believe sex to be necessary in a relationship, but there are nuances to it

First one is yes, it has to be a good relationship. You need sex to have a healthy relationship, but you relationship need the will to be healthy to have sex

Second is time. You don’t automatically start fucking someone you’ve just entered a relationship with. And if the two partner are young, it’s also normal to consider more about having sex. But that time can be spend into building a healthy relationship, which is needed, like I said, to have sex

Unable_Evidence_4028 · 2024-09-26T12:56:23+00:00

Pre requisite. Or at least the promise of sex is. Outside of some really rare exceptions, most men cannot imagine a romantic relationship being a significant net positive to his life (or any mans life) without sex. except maybe both being so old, tired or sick both agree on not engaging with it. or being together because you want your kids to live a happy life. To tell you the truth, when men say "sex is a basic need" or "sex is the (second) most important thing in my life" or "my lifes choices are based heavily on how I will get sex" we arent joking, trying to push an agenda or even exaggerating. It is as literal as it can be, at best its a truth told in a jokenly manner cause we know women cant understand how much sex matters to a man, so much so we put it into comparison to survival needs such as (sexual) starvation and thirst. Sex is quite literally secondary only to survival in most mens priorities. on a category of its own. sex alone however, does not build a relationship. the promise of a reliable sexual satisfaction is just the foundation on which a relationship is built. it can be a bad relationship or a good one, but it needs to exist for anything more to be considered good (at least until children get involved). If I was to speak it in a way women would understand, men are natural sex addicts of the worst kind. They need their fix, but their fix is not everything in their lives and things like shows of affection, love, companionship, gestures of service and words of affirmation are necessary to make any relationship significantly good.

TopShelfSnipes · 2024-09-26T13:40:28+00:00

There is no single right answer to this.

Mediocre sex can be improved if both partners are willing to work together.

OTOH, great sex can turn something unserious like an FWB type situation into potentially more if the sex becomes something the two people rally around, and try to find common ground around - not that it should be forced, but if there is common ground, the sex being great can be the impetus for both people opening their mind to the possibility of something more.

valerianandthecity · 2024-09-26T15:43:30+00:00

Personally, a good sex life is necessary for a good relaitionship.

I did the opposite when I was religious, and I'll never do that again. Our sex life was so unfulfilling that I began to dread it, and we ended up sexless and living as roommates.

I also realized then when I when i watch porn I basically have no drive to date.

So, only speaking for myself, and not telling anyone else to agree with me... A good sex life is very important for a relationship, and sexual intimacy is the foundation of me feeling romantically close to someone (again, I've tried the other way).

EugeneCezanne · 2024-09-27T11:45:36+00:00

Generally speaking, sex is a prereq for me. If we're not having sex after the second date, there probably won't be a third—we can absolutely be friends though and potentially revisit the romantic angle later, if it resurfaces naturally.

There are some exceptions. Like, if you say convincingly from the start that it takes you longer to get there, i won't pursue you unless I've made up my mind to respect that.

But once actually in a relationship for a while, I think the meaning of sex often morphs into being more of a product of the relationship, which is fine too.

So, i guess my answer is Both.

Bro_with_passport · 2024-09-27T12:05:01+00:00

I’m a pretty traditionally minded man, though I didn’t always have these attitudes. I don’t believe in premarital sex anymore, so I’m going to only discuss it within the context of being married.

I think that it’s like a keystone species in your relationship’s ecosystem. It’s a major indicator of the overall health of the ecosystem; but also without that keystone species, that species’ niche either needs to be either fulfilled by a non-native species (extramarital affairs), or the ecosystem will just begin a gradual collapse.

NUSWannabeSWE · 2024-09-27T12:05:40+00:00

Depends on your area en aspirations lol, if I knew my gf didn’t like head I may had reconsidered 🥲

TallFoundation7635 · 2024-09-28T16:47:17+00:00

Prerequisite for one.

ExternalBarracuda292 · 2024-09-29T03:36:29+00:00

This is a very complex subject and it's certainly not easy to distill the entirety of human sexuality into a couple paragraphs.

Something we can easily say is that good sex is not exclusively the product of a good relationship, as many people who have been in unhealthy relationships that nevertheless had fantastic sex can attest. Particularly in the early stages of a relationship, "new relationship energy" tends to cause a lot of sexual desire that can mask deeper incompatibilities that don't become obvious until the honeymoon period ends.

That said, healthy sexuality does generally play an important role in a healthy relationship. For starters, it's a very strong bonding experience. Some of this is chemical, but it's also just because good sex requires effort and communication from both partners, so it's very satisfying when you get it right and it's great for both. It also tends to be a key part of how men express affection. Not all men are the same, but my desire for my girlfriend is very heavily tied to how happy she makes me, in a sort of "I want to show you how much you mean to me" kind of way. This may be partially where the idea that a good relationship results in good sex comes from, but it's probably more correct to say that a good relationship creates the *desire* for good sex. There are, of course, many things that can make realizing that desire difficult, and having some sexual challenges is in no way a sign of a bad relationship. Pretty much every couple faces various challenges at least occasionally, it's how you work through them that's important.

I'm very sorry to hear that you had to suffer through sexual trauma. I've always thought one of the reasons why that is so especially awful is that it makes it harder to have a loving relationship in the future. No one should have that taken away from them. It's good that it sounds like you've been open with your partner about things. I guess if I had one piece of advice, it's to realize that your if your partner loves you, he probably just wants to make you happy. So, rather than thinking of sex as an obligation, try to think about what could make sex enjoyable for you. (This is in no way restricted to things like certain sex acts, it could absolutely be a certain way your partner makes you feel, certain rules or boundaries that help you feel safe, or almost anything really). It may not be easy, but if you come up with something, talk it over with your partner. I hope things will work out for you.

DoinIt989 · 2024-09-25T13:41:56+00:00

Pre-requisite. Why would you be in a long term relationship with someone you are not sexually compatible with?

go back to feeling like it's an obligation or pre-requisite

It is an obligation. Stay single if you don't want to have sex.

44Instinct · 2024-09-25T12:56:49+00:00

Sexual intimacy is one fundamental component of the emotional bond between two partners. I do not see any successful long-term relationship, where the intimacy is either consistently bad, or even non-existing. Sex and relationship are in symbiosis. it gets better and worse with the relationship, but is also conductive to it.

On the other hand, it is not your obligation to maintain a healthy intimate relationship, but 20% a team effort and 80% his responsibility. The paralyzing pressure you feel is completely normal, most women feel that way to some degree. Unfortunately, for a woman to enjoy sexual intimacy, feeling secure and free of obligation is probably THE BIGGEST factor. A good man, like your boyfriend seems to be, understands this and tries to relieve you from this stress through taking responsiblity and leadership. Instead of guilting and pressuring you, he would try to seduce you to get what he knows he needs.

I am glad to see you found someone you are much better off with. That being said, this here concerns me:

"Both of us would be happy in a relationship that would be sexless"

Sex is a biological need. If you doubt that and you think it makes no difference, then go without sex for a few months and see how the relationship changes.

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Plus-Opportunity8541 · 2024-09-25T17:04:25+00:00

It has to be both. Sexually compatible is really important in the start, and it can really help a relationship. I've never heard of a marriage between 2 people who regularly have sex randomly divorce. End of the day, sex is probably one of the 5 most important things in a relationship, along with things like life goals, shared love and attraction, open communication, and an attitude that it's us v the world.

OKSector69 · 2024-09-25T20:21:46+00:00

Prerequisite. It's the whole point of a relationship.

Independent-Mail-227 · 2024-09-25T12:40:26+00:00

If you think that it's a product of a good relationship it means that the moment the women feels, not even if it's a reality, she just need to feel that the relationship is not good she will withold sex. If you think that it's a product of it you're just not attracted to your partner but to what he provides.

If you think it's a prerequisite it means that the sex was aways there and attraction is already there.

Women will think it's a product because they want to manipulate the men into providing for them while men think it's a pre requisite because they don't want to provide for nothing.

Title	Is sex a product of a good relationship or is it a pre-requisite to one?
Author	thegoldendragon7678
Upvotes	31
Comments	222
Date	September 25, 2024 12:20 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1fp3156/is_sex_a_product_of_a_good_relationship_or_is_it/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/is-sex-a-product-of-a-good-relationship-or-is-it-a.1531334 https://theredarchive.com/post/1531334

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