I want to be clear that I am NOT saying asexuality isn't real or valid. And I'm definitely not saying there is anything wrong with being ace. But I do suspect that it's way over diagnosed. I suspect a lot of women self diagnose because they just haven't met a higher value man in their lives and have no idea.
When I was with my ex I remember venting to some people in my life about our sex life and they told me I was asexual.
Here's the context: my ex did this thing where he would pucker his lips and close his eyes waiting for me to kiss him. 👀 and he would sit there waiting like that until I kissed him. And it grossed me out so bad. I couldn't explain or rationalize why it bothered me, so for a while I ignored it and opted to give him a quick sympathy peck and keep my disgust to myself but 🤢...eventually I finally snapped and told him I hated it. Asked him to please stop doing that. So he modified it. His new version was vocally asking/demanding (like "come here and gimme a kiss"). It repulsed be even more. I would visibly wince and say no and he would pout afterwards, say he felt unloved and unattractive. And I felt horrible, of course. Over time it (obviously) turned into an actual problem in our relationship. Eventually I hated kissing all together. Never had the spontaneous urge to kiss him anymore. I also hated sex with him. More and more. But before being with him I had terrible sex with men anyway, so I dismissed it. 🤡
Anyway when I vented about all this, EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE (including my ex) told me I was asexual. they all acted shocked and horrified but insisted that I was the problem. That it wasn't normal to not be attracted to him and that he didn't deserve that 🥺. So I believed it. I listened to those people. Started googling asexuality and convincing myself it applied to me. Started just doing what he wanted without caring about my own (lack of) desire because I thought I was "asexual" and that he was making this sacrifice being with me despite it all.
What a joke.
It was just the ick. It was LVM. They are sexually repulsive. So I was not sexually compatible with him. Mystery solved.
And I almost married that guy. He insisted he wanted to marry me even after we had these huge conversations about me being "asexual".
If I would have married him, I would have never discovered my actual sexuality, which was laying dormant. And that blows my mind. I would have gone the rest of my life giving performative sex while suspecting that I was asexual all while feeling guilt and shame.
When I found men I was compatible with emotionally, intellectually and spiritually it all clicked. I discovered an enormous desire and sexuality I never knew existed.
And looking back, not one person in my life was there to suggest that i had valid reasons to not be attracted to him (or other LVM). It was all shock and horror and lots of blaming and shaming me.
I wish fds had been around back then. 💔 Or at least one fds-minded person. If you're reading this and you consider yourself to be asexual...just know that (even though you might be right) there is a chance that you're just surrounded by gross people and your lack of desire is traceable. My advice is: don't lean in TOO much to the label. Make sure it's not just your surroundings before you officially self diagnose yourself. And keep in mind sexuality can be confusing, it might take you a long time to unravel (I was 25/26 when I found mine) so don't get hung up on labels early in life.
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