Disregarding appearance, modern dating dynamics naturally select for emotionally unavailable men

Philip8000 · 2024-03-19T01:43:36+00:00

I hate agreeing with this, but yes. Speaking as someone who doesn't fit the traditional masculine mold, it's something that women very much enforce as well. I've probably heard: "Man up!" more often from women than men. Men often do struggle with things when they desperately need to speak to someone, only they're taught to remain silent, by both genders.

It's being good with people that's key to dating when you're male, since we usually have to make the first move in relationships. Exceptions exist, but we seem to prefer it that way. Men have to pick up on subtle hints, something that's difficult and rife with miscommunication. Plenty of stories for both: "He thought I liked him when I was being friendly!" and "He missed all the obvious hints I sent him!"

Preme2 · 2024-03-19T01:33:09+00:00

Yes, women like nonchalant men. They like men who treat them like an option.

Crimson-Pilled · 2024-03-19T00:11:13+00:00

This isn’t to say that being emotionless makes a man more or less attractive

Hard disagree. Women desire unemotional men because she wants him to deal with her emotions. Also, If you approach her cool and uninvested, she's more likely to think you're not desperate, a man with many options deciding to pick her. You can have emotions, all men do, but don't reveal your cards.

apresonly · 2024-03-18T23:26:34+00:00

yeah bc in any area of life predators win

business also naturally selects for emotionally unavailable men

izoldetales · 2024-03-18T23:32:09+00:00

Women who are talking about rejection not being a big deal but never even approached men is like a fish talking about lifting in the gym 😂😂😂😂

I already say it , even modern men who are " toxic masculinity " free are also depressed cause they consistently receive hate from women just for being men while also expect to suppress their sexual need and treat women like princess AND also being called" sassy " if they expect something .

The best advice again is to not invest emotionally in women until they do and aim for sex . Regardless of what people and feminst say , fucking women is actually good

OtPayOkerSmay · 2024-03-18T23:47:09+00:00

The one exception is anger - the testosterone emotion. It seems to be attractive to women on a primal level. I think women try to bring it out in men -whether subconsciously or totally consciously, I can't speak; but I've just been noticing trends as I get older.

Sure, there are outliers and women who will post on here and say a potentially violent guy is a turn off, or that this isn't the case because their own anecdote or this one friend; but it definitely seems like anger and violent potential seems to be an innate fetish for women, and that probably explains why some women are the ones putting in the most effort to make a ridiculous bad-boy situationship work out.

Every emotion a man has other than anger seems to be largely unwanted by most women, though some definitely do put up with sappy, hopeless romantic type guys; don't get me wrong.

Mentathiel · 2024-03-18T22:55:34+00:00

First of all, you can experience painful things and not shut down. If you emotionally process the disappointment, shame, anger, etc. that come with rejection rather than repressing them and distracting yourself, you can ensure you'll be able to get invested again.

Second of all, if rejections are so unbearably painful that you can't possibly deal with them without experiencing trauma, repression, etc, you're probably not experiencing normal healthy attachment. Maybe there's some limerence/BPD going on, maybe you see one woman rejecting you as a symbol of your general insufficiency and it triggers broader insecurities, maybe there's codependency. These things need to be worked on along with attempting to form a relationship, as they'll impact your interpersonal style and may cause unhealthy dynamics.

That being said, it does suck. We don't have to learn to navigate that and deal with that and that is a privilege. A lot of very human emotions come up with rejection and it takes a lot of work to learn to cope properly and put things into perspective. Especially when people don't give you honest feedback and you're struggling to figure out where exactly you're going wrong, but trying not to be too harsh and self-hating, but still objective and figure out the source of the problem. It seems like a huge pain and my heart goes out to you. Idk how much of this stuff is ingrained VS taught, but we could all be mindful to teach our daughters to be at least a bit more proactive, honest, direct, assertive, when it comes to this relationship stuff.

optimuscrymez · 2024-03-19T00:56:12+00:00

Emotionally unavailable men aren't selected for.

If you disregard appearance (>90% of it), and have two men a woman's equally physically attracted to, the man who pays more attention will win.

There's research consonant with this outlining behaviors that served to reinforce and increase attraction in the early stages of dating and vice versa.

Emotionally unavailable people = people who don't care much about you. Modern society is funny in that basic shit gets blown up into mythical constructs.

There are a lot of behaviors that are confused with emotional unavailability though that in my opinion are just proper masculinity

Westernation · 2024-03-19T02:27:15+00:00

There’s likely some truth in that. Since my marriage ended, I’ve found not one but two women I’d considered real LTR material pulled away from me. And pretty quickly and rudely.

I pretty much dig a moat around my house, piled the furniture in front of the door and ghosted them both. For the past four months, I’ve have more (different) women seriously pursuing me, texting me for hookups and everything in between. Literally hovering around ten.

And since I’ve been more than a little wounded, I’ve been more emotionally unavailable than I’ve ever been. And it clearly prompts women to chase me.

That’s the irony though. I’m NOT that interested in any human contact anymore. Except of course my kids.

Traditional_Crew6617 · 2024-03-19T00:22:55+00:00

So let me ask you this. If every time you lay your hand on the table, it gets hit with a ruler, even if you change your approach, style, and every other variable. Your hand gets hit. Are you going to keep putting your hand up there? No your not. Even when the person with the ruler tells you that putting your hand on the table is how its supposed to go. You're still not going to put your hand up there.

Something to think about, when you beat someone down enough, they are going to turn on you. They won't be loyal to you anymore and if you want that person's trust, you're going to have to go to them to earn it back.

One more thing to think about. You beat a dog long enough, not only will it turn on you, it will turn on everyone like you. Example - My wife and I got a German Shepard from a nice lady. He lived with her for a while and had only women around him. Before her, he was in a family that had a man that would beat him. The nice lady told us that he doesn't like men and why. Now I'm a man but I don't hurt animals. I treat my animals better than I treat humans most of the time. Samson (The German Shepard) did not like me. He avoided me like the plague. It took a very long time for me to earn his loyalty and love. Until the day he passed, i was the only male that he would let bear him unless my wife or I showed him that the guy was ok

New world modern-day women have made it a point to make sure that if we are not in that less than 1% we shouldn't bother. Men are told that we are not to have certain behaviors but women can. There are more reasons but its just kicking a dead horse to say them.

Also, let me ask you this. What is wrong with a woman asking a guy out? I mean in the spirit of neutralizing gender roles, equality, and what not

Safinated · 2024-03-19T00:02:21+00:00

Most guys I know aren’t throwing their dicks at women that much.

Apparently half of men don’t at all, in fact

Lift_and_Lurk · 2024-03-18T22:40:17+00:00

Or maybe it’s as simple as “rejection and disappointment are a part of life” and learning how to handle them in a healthy way is part of becoming an well adjusted adult

mortblanc · 2024-03-19T14:23:44+00:00

Just have good friends and masturbate alone. Maybe sometimes get a prostitute if you need the human touch. Earn good, see the world, get a vested hobby, take active interest in the world or humanity or science or even god.

Dating is overrated, so is marriage and all accompanying crap.

no_usernameeeeeee · 2024-03-18T23:07:02+00:00

emotional detachment and emotional unavailability are two different things

Key-Faithlessness-29 · 2024-03-19T03:50:09+00:00

I fail to understand why if men don't like rejection they simply dont approach women all together. If men can't even influence a change between their own gender for a better future for all of them then how are the hoping to influence another gender

WilliamWyattD · 2024-03-20T01:24:03+00:00

Women don't select for emotionally unavailable men. They select for emotionally strong men whose somewhat different emotional makeup complements innate female emotionality. Women have always selected for this when possible. Men select other men based on this, in the male hierarchy. In fact, it actually aligns with male nature.

Men just need to figure this shit out. There are many situations where the novel modern environment is in tension with some aspects of our evolved instincts. And so we need to figure out the best way to sort this. Modern men can be emotionally intelligent and available without being women. Men can help each other meet emotional needs without trying to use the female 'talk and therapy model'. There are other options.

izoldetales · 2024-03-18T23:39:54+00:00

You'ee right but no one would agree with you Cause most men are afraid that their daughters will be used and don't care about men while blue pillers needs to worship women to get some pussy so the only group who would agree with you will be labelled as " incel"

This sub is twoXchromosomes with a lot of pick me men

Appropriate-Ad-8030 · 2024-03-18T23:56:38+00:00

Oh god guys quit bitching…..they can do them, you can do you….whoever wants it cool, whoever doesn’t well that’s cool too….stop worrying about these bullshit list of expectations and go live your best life….whoever likes you on the way, great….stop with the constant squirming and complaining….

CasseroleTruck · 2024-03-18T23:03:24+00:00

People can be emotionally unavailable and still sensitive to rejection along with all other sorts of insecurities and self esteem issues. Sometimes the emotional availability is a defense mechanism that serves as protection from being hurt. Not saying it's healthy.

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GlobeUnited · 2024-03-18T23:11:26+00:00

Might have a point . . .

KayRay1994 · 2024-03-19T02:14:09+00:00

You’re not wrong, but also it seems like the natural solution is get used to rejection and develop thicker skin. If emotionally unavailable men are the only option because they’re the only ones who aren’t giving up, then what they’re doing right is clear

GreatSmashPlayer · 2024-03-19T02:22:38+00:00

Yes. This is also the main reason why assholes get laid more than nice guys.

CraftyCooler · 2024-03-19T09:44:50+00:00

It's exaggeration - you do not have to be emotionally unavailable psychopath to just not care about rejection too much. Life is full of disappointments but we still keep going and remain humane. I think that people who have a very hard time accepting rejection are narcissts - it's not the lost opportunity for love that hurts(since there was no opportunity), but their ego is hurt.

cuckspace · 2024-03-19T12:09:41+00:00

Are you sure “emotionally unavailable” is the correct phrase here? A man who is not overly emotional himself is more available to listen to a woman yap about her own emotions, which is all that really matters to her. It’s about the woman’s emotions and how the man can be useful for her and how he can make her feel. She doesn’t want him to whine about his own emotions — she wants him to be a rock that doesn’t break when she gets all emotional and chaotic.

TheDerInDisorder · 2024-03-19T13:22:51+00:00

Emotional availability as a concept means absolutely nothing. It's a moving goalpost used by abusive women to justify treating their partner poorly. Standard dehumanization tactic.

No-Weather-3140 · 2024-03-19T19:04:45+00:00

You don’t want a woman who wants emotionally unavailable men

Slow-Guidance-6310 · 2024-03-19T21:44:28+00:00

I do think it's better for a guy to not emotionally invest a lot of energy into a potential relationship unless he knows for sure that she reciprocates any feelings. Being aloof and emotionally detached helps with accepting rejection and moving on. Basically, just say "it is what it is".

A guy shouldn't let his mind wander and imagine his entire life with a woman he just had conversation with because it's only going to tear him up inside when he gets rejected again and again. That's why the advice a lot guys pass on involves taking that energy and putting it inwards to better yourself so you can build confidence.

Geselshaft · 2024-03-18T23:16:32+00:00

Sex and mating is rewarded because women are selecting for men with certain traits, as that is their sole reason for biologically existing.

Women are supposed to select as few men as possible to mate with, and only the best. The rest of the men are more than welcome to give them money and go away, which is what they want from the lower classes.

They reject all others. This is throughout the animal kingdom. Some use tournament selection, where the top male beats out the others and mates with all the females, or the males put on elaborately stupid mating displays, like many birds do, and the females select from them (same as tournament but more individual).

If women wanted emotionally whiny man babies they would select for that, but they don't, and to make up for be so shallow they don't want a whine man baby instead of stoic hot guy, they call those guys whiney man babies to make up for being so incredibly shallow because they can never be honest.

Men who get upset about not being sexually selected should just learn to masturbate, or realize you have to give women money to override her literally biological programming.

It's hookers or hands, but they don't want your babies. Get used to it. It's a tough old world.

Either become part of the top 20%, or live long enough to die.

AngeCruelle · 2024-03-19T00:25:27+00:00

By this logic any area of life that can potentially open you up to heartbreak and disappointment, whether it be sports, art, love, etc., selects for people who actually don't give a shit.

Being able to handle disappointment and defeat =/= not caring. People who succeed learn to cultivate passion, resilience, and to take risks while also accepting that success isn't guaranteed.

BomanSteel · 2024-03-19T00:21:00+00:00

Lacking empathy? Do you hear yourself?

Men and woman go through different types of struggles, even if I grant you the idea that woman suffer less rejection and disappointment than man (not sure if that’s true but I’ll roll with it for now) That doesn’t mean women don’t suffer in ways that would force them to become well adjusted adults. Rejection and disappointment isn’t the worst thing in the world. We’re all experiencing some type of struggle, and accusing people of lacking empathy because “rejection hurts and you wouldn’t understand” is not helpful.

NoJackfruit2965 · 2024-03-19T03:08:16+00:00

Attractive emotionally available men are immediately locked down and taken out of the market and they allow themselves to be taken out, otherwise they're labelled emotionally unavailable/toxic/commitment-phobic lol. They are not passed around from woman to woman when they get tired of him.

The main things that matter to women are looks and status and from men that pass that bar, emotionally stable ones create relationships that last so they're not seen much in the dating landscape. Men who don't pass the looks/status bar are invisible, so all women are left looking at are attractive emotionally unavailable dudes.

Literal_Jesus_ · 2024-03-19T20:10:12+00:00

Love emotional people. Love emotionally secure people.

I don’t gel with people who hold everything inside then have a rage fueled explosion over something random.

DeadNWalkN · 2024-03-20T21:53:22+00:00

Also women are given attention for existing. So they have less to loose

TRTGymBro · 2024-03-19T01:29:55+00:00

People want what they can't get. Of course, women will chase after men who have many options with women. Would you go a restaurant that has no one eating in it? Or to the restaurant which takes reservations a month in advance?

CalligrapherSimple39 · 2024-03-19T01:34:15+00:00

Not sure how this is related to modern dating dynamics?

East_Writer_2892 · 2024-03-19T02:12:43+00:00

it is not normal to be so attached to every girl you try to ask out that her saying no causes emotional turmoil. Yeah, rejection sucks but you don't know these girls that well to be so invested. Some of you treat getting told no for a date like you just got dumped from a 5-year relationship.

Being emotionally unavailable is not the same thing as not being ruled by your emotions.

Title	Disregarding appearance, modern dating dynamics naturally select for emotionally unavailable men
Author	cheemspurpletreats
Upvotes	84
Comments	296
Date	March 18, 2024 10:22 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1bi3vrr/disregarding_appearance_modern_dating_dynamics/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/disregarding-appearance-modern-dating-dynamics.1426581 https://theredarchive.com/post/1426581

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