[Q4All]How high is the bar for being “girlfriend material”?

FizzleMateriel · 2021-10-12T16:12:11+00:00

I ask this question because I’ve heard on several occasions women arguing that men have very low standards for who they have sex with(just be willing and not a troll) but have very high standards for who they “wife up” and introduce to their mothers. How true is this? Is there a high bar to clear to be seen as GF material by men?

True for me.

My mother doesn’t have to like her but I can’t feel embarassed about bringing her to see my mother (or father). If I feel embarassed that she’s my girlfriend then she’s not girlfriend material.

I don’t personally believe that I have high standards though.

Devourer_of_felines · 2021-10-12T16:20:07+00:00

I'd say looks gets you noticed by men.

As cliche as it sounds personality and compatibility as far as how each person approaches life still matters more when it comes to deciding whether a woman is someone you'd "wife up".

E.g. if given the choice between a woman whose 9/10 in looks and has a Master's but can't go two sentences without putting you down vs a 6/10 in looks with just a college diploma but treats you like the best thing since sliced bread, option 2 is clear cut "GF material".

NameGiver0 · 2021-10-12T17:15:27+00:00

She has to improve my life by being in it. Attractive to me. Sexual chemistry.

Emervila · 2021-10-12T16:11:49+00:00

I think what needs to be explained is the type of standard: it's a behavioral standard

For sex it's a beauty pageant but not that strict, everything above 5 is basically fuckable but for LTR is more like choosing the best lawyer to defend you in a criminal court, you want the best of the best

For men mothers are important, he's choosing the mother of his children hence why many attractive girls fail while avg looking woman can do better.

NarniaFox · 2021-10-12T15:55:43+00:00

There's a high bar for "wife material", if we talk about men who are "husband material" themselves. I think most women could find a man willing to date them, but it doesn't mean that either them or these men have traits needed for a stable and contented LTR.

Most "husband material" men I know have looked/look for women who they could build a family with. And not all women really pass this bar. But a lot of it is subjective, as people look for compatible partners and a person who doesn't seem like a good wife/husband to you might be an ideal variant for the other.

Edit: although I also know some stories about overall good men who got stuck with users. They wanted to have a family and they believed that they should provide for their partners, got blinded by their feelings and totally screwed by women who just used them. Or they got blinded by their lust/dicks. Some men don't have standards and are too naïve for their own good. But I'm not sure how many of them are there.

jkj1993 · 2021-10-12T18:06:09+00:00

Would I be embarrassed being seen with this person in public? That's the standard.

harold_shipman_gp · 2021-10-12T16:08:31+00:00

No idea what other men think, and I realise that my experience and opinions may be different from the average PPDer, so take what I say with a pinch of salt.

Personally, when I was dating I wouldn't just smash every woman who expressed interest. You might call me lazy, harsh, or picky, but if she wasn't a 7 in my eyes, I wouldn't even bother. So that's baseline level of attractiveness right off the bat.

As for character/personality traits that make someone girlfriend material - yes, I had quite a lot.

For me, she needs to be sensible and sober in her everyday life - by that I mean can't turn up for meeting my parents hungover/on a comedown/stinking of booze. She also needs to be able to attend social events without getting ratarsed. No coke users, which rules out a lot of attractive women, unfortunately.

Has to have some respect for herself sexually. Unlike most Redditors, body count doesn't phase me. It's all about context and intent. If she's banged loads of dudes because she wanted to have some fun, and now she's looking for something more serious - cool, that's fine by me. At least she knows her own mind. But if she's banged loads of dudes because she has a habit of letting herself get future faked, and manipulated/coaxed into doing things she otherwise wouldn't do... nah, that's weak willed. Not into someone who might get peer pressured to cheat on me.

She needs to have a job and preferably a degree. I'm not really interested in the tradwife type, so someone who is serious about a career is attractive to me.

She needs to take fidelity seriously, and give no indication that she's still lowkey shopping around (which means no Snapchatting guys, no following and interacting with Insta-hunk types).

Similar lifestyle to me: can't be a mad partier every night, got to be childfree because I fucking hate kids, should have roughly similar political opinions (not exactly hard tbf).

No religion because that would be completely incompatible.

And the big one is: has moved out of her parents' house. Don't care whether she's renting or whatever, but I've been with women who still live with their parents at 28/29/30 and they all have one thing in common - no adult skills. They couldn't make a cup of tea or butter toast if their lives depended on it. And I'm not looking for a child to take care of.

If she didn't meet these standards, there was no point because it wouldn't have went anywhere anyway.

I was told by my friends that my standards are very high as well, but ultimately I preferred not wasting my time with women I knew would be incompatible. Personally, I'm not sure that I agree with my friends - I think my standards were quite fair and achievable.

And to boot, I don't think that having high standards is a bad thing at all.

The-Wizard-of-Oz- · 2021-10-12T16:29:12+00:00

It's not a high bar at all.

When I still dated, the majority of dudes said I was very close to being their ideal girlfriend.

But the traits they listed were super low bar...pleasant to be around, shares his interests, pays for her own shit, makes time for him, helps plan the date/takes initiative, willing to pick him up/drive us places, good sense of humor, no mind games or tests. The only thing that constantly disqualified me as a girlfriend was the lack of sex by date 3-4.

In other words, for most guys the two absolute requirements are Treat Him Like A Person and Put Out Early. If you can't do both, you're not girlfriend material.

houstongradengineer · 2021-10-12T15:56:29+00:00

Most men clearly aren't as unreasonable as you.

I personally believe you shouldn't be sticking your dick in someone you don't want to claim. Even if you want to have a really high bar that seems to amaze more objective critics, that's your prerogative. It's just not worth the risks and drama of sleeping with WAY too many women, God over 30 is a lot, who you don't even like. I mean, how did that work out for you?

I feel like men do this to "keep their standards in check" or to "keep abundance." I don't see how it works for them, but whatever. Not my call. I personally am fine with having more reasonable physical standards, as long as my emotional ones are met- and meeting my emotional needs means not sleeping with that many men ever.

SonicBackScratcher · 2021-10-12T16:12:35+00:00

GF material is basically wife material in how I would approach things, and its the "interview" period to make sure we work on details beyond the surface.

FWB material for me is a I have to like you, you can't be stupid, but I don't have to mesh so well we could live together and put up with each others foibles.

WestsideMoonWalker · 2021-10-12T16:46:10+00:00

Depends on the person? For some people, very high. Others will literally have gutter trash level standards. This sub's standards are fairly low, imo.

I've been told my standards are absurdly high a couple times on here and I didn't have much of an issue dating once I got my head out my ass.

drew8311 · 2021-10-12T18:08:38+00:00

Not having high standards for wife means more likelihood of wanting a divorce later, why would you not have high standards? Not having high standards for a ONS means sex with a less than ideal woman instead of masturbating.

jbo99 · 2021-10-12T16:24:30+00:00

Super high. I’d happily have sex with probably an enormous percentage of girls between like 21-30 but would imagine that it’s like sub 1% who id consider girlfriend or wife material.

JacobMoogberg69 · 2021-10-12T16:33:51+00:00

Very different from ONS material criteria.

-Ivar-TheBoneless · 2021-10-12T17:30:49+00:00

Considering how low the average western woman has sunk, I'll say the bar is pretty low. Just be decent and treat him with respect. That's it.

Unfortunately women don't care to try and meet any standards until it's much too late.

Untoxicmasculinity · 2021-10-12T17:55:02+00:00

Depends on the man.

phantomdilletante · 2021-10-12T18:43:50+00:00

I think it depends on the kind of dude. I believe it’s easier for women to get a boyfriend than it is for men to get a girlfriend just because of the sheer amount of dudes who are desperate for sex but are only capable of getting it in relationships instead of hookups. So, when women complain about men having high standards for GF/wife material, it seems to me that what they’re complaining about is the specific type of men, who are the only men they look up to/quality for interactions with them, not wanting to GF/wife them up, possibly because these men have so many options that they don’t really need anybody in the role of wife/GF to satisfy their needs because they can get those satisfied by multiple casual sex partners on the regular anyway

Robotemist · 2021-10-12T19:22:07+00:00

It's incredibly low. Simply have sexual attraction, provide provide peace and cooperation. I would say provide some sort of value but most men don't even require that.

Somehow a large swath of women fail at those basic tenants.

poppy_blu · 2021-10-12T19:35:30+00:00

The bar is directly correlated to how high value he is. Same for women. 101.

That said, these days lots of people just don’t give a fuck and think relationships are all about them. That ends up making the bar in the aggregate lower. Meaning it ain’t that hard to keep your man happy these days when he sees the drama and BS his friends are subjected to by the women in their lives.

CFinCanada · 2021-10-12T19:48:57+00:00

My boyfriend has been with close to 40 women but I wouldn't say his standards for a girlfriend are that high.

Simply don't be obese, don't be ghetto, and don't be a c_nt, it's a pretty low bar.

AreOut · 2021-10-12T19:56:22+00:00

I've met very beautiful girls who were very, very annoying..I pity the guy who LTRed them.

SouthernGrass3 · 2021-10-12T20:17:39+00:00

It varies a lot, but for men who are widely desirable to women (I.e. can get sex pretty consistently outside a relationship/ have a lot women who would want to date him) the standards can be incredibly high.

On the other end of the spectrum, standards are quite low, but that doesn’t automatically mean that they will be enthusiastic about the women they get into a relationship with or guarantee that they will treat them particularly well. Many less attractive guys are in fact great partners, but there seems to be a temptation to conflate being passive and not that attractive with being a good partner.

ThatGirl50 · 2021-10-12T22:03:57+00:00

I feel so bad for the losers on this sub lol

RabbitNRaccoon · 2021-10-12T22:22:41+00:00

I disagree fundamentally with the idea that one can say they have high standards if they are sleeping with/spending time with/wasting energy on women (or men) outside of their standards.

From what I have observed, men who sleep around seem to have this weird attitude where they think they are better than the women they sleep with. If that were true, you wouldn't be sleeping with it.

People who detest liars cannot stand to be in the presence of one. And will not choose to spend time with them.

I see alot of men claiming that they are looking for a gf/wife but just sleeping around in the meantime. That's a lie really. You're sleeping around because you want to. Because you dont want a wife/gf. They will do a serious relationship for some time. And then inevitably end up single having casual sex again. Because it's what they want.And I don't get why so many men in RP can't admit to that.

TheBookOfSeil · 2021-10-12T16:44:40+00:00

Depends on who you talk to.

For guys that are desperate, the bar is being alive and breathing.

For me, the bar is pretty high. No borderline personality disorder, not over their ex or narcissistic social media use already disqualifies many of them.

Edit: Also, a lot of them think that just having gotten out of a relationship recently makes them relationship material, but this isn't true at all. There are plenty of people with issues in relationships and out of relationships.

wateroclock · 2021-10-12T15:52:08+00:00

The kind of partner you can get reflects your status. If someone is status insecure, regardless of gender, they wouldn't want to pair up with or flaunt someone below their bar.

AquaChip · 2021-10-12T16:12:41+00:00

It varies. Depends on the status of the man and how much self worth he has.

over348 · 2021-10-12T16:18:51+00:00

For me she has a low body count, is in college or trade school basically pursuing a career, likes video games and anime, loyal, and is fun to be around

majani · 2021-10-12T16:46:51+00:00

My bar for girlfriend material is: hot, can pay her own bills comfortably, no kids, ~~homely~~ homemaker and highly attracted to me. That's a super high bar nowadays, truth be told, but I'm currently in an LTR with a woman who crossed it, so I'm not being unreasonable.

VastlyVainVanity · 2021-10-12T16:43:02+00:00

I'm a 27M, most decent dudes I know have a pretty high bar for relationships. They'll sleep with any attractive girl who's into them, of course.

But for relationships, I notice that they typically prefer girls who have a more motherly vibe. Maybe it's because I'm at an age in which people have to consider their girlfriends as soon-to-be wives.

I have a friend who's a major player, 30+ n-count, but his last gf was one of those forever-girlfriends who had just gotten out of a very long relationship. Even though he tells me that he doesn't care about a woman's n-count being high, I don't think that's really true.

And me personally, my bar is too high. I myself have to admit that my standards are pretty unrealistic in the western world. I care about the usual things like loyalty, fidelity, attractiveness etc. But I also care a lot about a woman's past. If she's had FWBs, I'm not interested. If she's had ONSs, I'm not interested. If she lies about her past, instant dealbreaker. That by itself excludes a lot (most?) women in the modern world. I'm almost a MGTOW because of this. Lol.

But yeah, I'd say that overall, guys who have their shit together have very high bars for relationships. But most will sleep with any hot chick that is not batshit insane.

DeliciousPussyNectar · 2021-10-12T17:45:29+00:00

If she don’t cook and she don’t clean then she’s not worthy of my green

purplish_possum · 2021-10-12T16:21:56+00:00

Only about 10% of women at most are LTR material.

TheJim66 · 2021-10-12T16:36:24+00:00

It's not very high. Just higher than the standard for fuckable.

Generally she needs to be hot (relative to what the man can get) , nice and not a slut.How much of that he is able to get depends on the man's own value.

vial_of_music · 2021-10-12T17:36:43+00:00

I just don’t think mother would be happy if her baby boy brought home someone who dresses like she works the corner.

Leave the freaky shit for the bedroom but put on a cute dress and impress the parents!!!

Matt_Door · 2021-10-12T18:06:20+00:00

As I’ve grown and worked on myself my standards have increased in kind. I hold myself to a high standard, I expect a similar high standard from my partners. And it’s not perfection or high achievement, it’s making your best effort and living with sincerity.

Japanese language has a great word for sincerity, shisei, which means to arrive at the truth. It means living in reality, being honest about who we are, and what we want and being our true self, the good, the bad and the ugly. When we(generic) argue, are we attempting to “arrive at the truth”? Do you fess up when you mess up? Do you show your genuine love for your partner? That is sincerity

huhwhatokok · 2021-10-12T18:27:50+00:00

Low to no body count.

Being able to cook. I can cook too before the SJW lib women come after me. I just know western women struggle with this.

Educated but not in something useless like Psychology/sociology/gender studies. These degrees tell me she’s bad with money and lived life carefree without worry of a good job. This also tells me she’s most likely banking on a beta bux. High body count is also high among these degrees.

Attractive to me. I don’t have a specific body type just not fat. Also I’d like to know if a women used to be fat because then she’s prone to be fat again very easily.

Since I’m middle eastern all of this is achievable via arranged marriage so I should be good I just have to watch out for the Arab women who were getting dicked down by everyone in college until they realize they have to pick between their non Arab boyfriend or family and try to beta bux an Arab dude. Worst case I marry someone from my home country.

AmirIsBack · 2021-10-12T18:27:52+00:00

Be a good person, don't be a slut or have a past, and don't be lazy is the bar for most men I think.

It's that first and second point many nowadays women lack. It's not a high bar I think.

alialahmad1997 · 2021-10-12T19:07:23+00:00

I want her to be kind and empathic, have aplan for her future, not a party girl or used to be one B Never lost control for drugs, alcohol or any reasons similar (i would not care about small amounts)

Confident that she isn't easly pressured or stepped on and doesn't allow other to step on her boundaries but not agressive that she wants to impose her view on others

I would like her to be intelligent (i never understood why is this important until I met an actual smart girl and boy did the conversation ever stopped)

And she treat sex as special connections betwen 2 people and never casual so no girl who engage in hook up culture

I like to find her really beautiful but for me that is easy most girl i found are beautiful so i have low standards here

And most importantly don't play mental games specially the one where she ignore someone she likes to not seems desperate after showing interest and those things

LIBORguy · 2021-10-12T19:11:13+00:00

The bar is pretty high for me and it got higher as I got older (I’m almost 30). It obviously starts with physical attractiveness/fitness. I will not consider you for a relationship if you are overweight. After that I focus on personality traits and if you’re friendly, smart, cooperative. Cooking is another one.

One thing I don’t care about for the most part is your career, as long as you’re ambitious and employed in a respectable job. College educated, even if you have a BA in General Studies that works for me. I’ll take a 9/10 or 10/10 social worker over an 7/10 lawyer every single day.

Only one woman has checked all of those boxes for me and that’s the woman I’m going to marry.

ThisIsABadLook · 2021-10-12T21:06:42+00:00

Honestly it'll vary WILDLY depending on the guy but for me the criteria are:

Atleast 5'8'', I refuse to have short kids

Single digit body count, I personally don't want to have a long commitment with someone who doesn't share the same valuation towards sex as me

In decent shape (this one is pretty much just not obese, from a health perspective)

Compatible personality, this one can't be quantified or explained because its an abstract concept but it is what it is.

shares or atleast respects interests

pays for her own shit

makes time for and helps plan the dates/takes initiative

I'm not sure if that would count as a high standard but that's my bar for wife/girlfriend material

edit: after looking at this thread there's a couple that I have to add because I didn't think of them at the time.

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chilikettlechips · 2021-10-12T18:52:20+00:00

Be attractive
Same goals
Good sex

You tell me if that's high or not.

Estimator1313 · 2021-10-12T19:00:28+00:00

30 women?! How old are you exactly?

meme_lords_unite · 2021-10-12T19:46:46+00:00

Depends on the guy, but to simplify:

To fuck (low bar)

To girlfriend (mid bar)

To wife (high bar)

Lateralanouncer · 2021-10-12T19:54:25+00:00

1000sx higher than a ONS. Only a low value man with few options would be “indiscriminate” with who he commits to.

Men are not herd minded so can make their own decisions.

Ohyarlysmiles · 2021-10-12T19:55:14+00:00

Relationship = high

Relationship + monogamy = outrageously high, but that might just be personal to me.

So many women think that all they need to do is show up and provide pussy, idk, it's weird.

Idk if other guys do this but I definitely do --- the social grievance ledger.

Over time as I'm interacting with a woman and we're getting to know one another, I just keep track of the little things she does that are annoying --- 100% of them have to do with how she relates to me, nothing superficial like 'oh she mismatches her socks sometimes,' or shit like that.

Me and a woman I like start with me open to revealing 100% of myself as a person to her. And as she reacts and responds to me, I just slowly shut more and more of myself off --- or reveal more and more, based on how she shows up.

I tried talking about my love of philosophy, etc. and you made a derogatory comment or two or made it clear that it was 'boring?' Cool, that side of me is closed to you.

I talked about my life issues in one way or another and you didn't do much but invalidate my experience or toss me some kind of weird cliche 'advice?' Closed for business.

Leave me hanging on a text thread for a day inexplicably? Cool, closed for business for anything save setting up meetups.

I express any kind of feeling for you and you tease me about it or try to come off as the prize? Cool, closed for business.

The amount of women who are completely blind to these changes and will suddenly wonder why at best I only come around maybe sometimes for sex before leaving shortly leaving is strangely high. Like, after a 3 or 4 month slow dwindling they'll say 'you haven't been paying attention to me, I don't understand, you used to be x y z....'

Whereas for the women I like, stuff just keeps getting better and better for them.

But the qualities I look for for a gf are primarily relational --- she has to see how you react to things and know how to correct her behavior to restore the good vibes, she has to have basic social IQ to not punish vulnerability, etc. etc. I used to not think it was a high bar. But it's a very high bar lol.

dynospectrum7 · 2021-10-12T20:27:28+00:00

Just not wifing up a girl who's been ran through. Lol hell no.

Liberal_On_Guns · 2021-10-12T20:36:02+00:00

have very high standards for who they “wife up” and introduce to their mothers. How true is this?

I would say for most guys, the bar is still relatively low. Gotta remember that most men have a scarcity mindset, and are taking what they can get, i.e. the path of least resistance to get the most consistent sexual access. Only three types of guys will be the exception:

Men with deeply held values/morals. These guys will reject a woman who doesn't mesh with their values no matter how hot or sweet she is.
Men, even bluepilled men, with legitimate abundance.
Men who don't necessarily have deeply held morals, but are unplugged from the comfortable lies, and are aware of how the sex/relationship game is played. They at least know what red flags to look for, so their filter is at least calibrated.

The woman you were smashing years ago and desperately wanted to be your girlfriend was alpha widowed by you, but will still have no problem becoming a future ex-wife to some poor BB.

alphastarfox13 · 2021-10-12T20:55:12+00:00

My standards for girlfriend are a lot less then standards for marriage

Laytheblameonluck · 2021-10-12T21:13:14+00:00

I never had sex with anyone I didn't want a relationship from.

LLL3peat · 2021-10-12T21:49:28+00:00

Only 30? You have a lot to learn grasshopper. Master you are not.

IcarusKiki · 2021-10-13T00:13:42+00:00

depends on the guy but its aways higher than his casual sex standards

MisterJose · 2021-10-13T00:53:09+00:00

I look at it simply this way: For me to want to be around you, I have to enjoy being around you. I've come to believe it doesn't make sense to delineate, unless you want something to have formal recognition as a certain thing. If I had entirely my way, I'd have people I enjoy being around for a night, or a month, or once in a while, etc. And I don't necessarily see one as more valuable that another. One amazing night in life can be a memory that pays dividends for the rest of your life. It's like saying eating at a great restaurant is only great if you get to eat there all the time.

So what makes me enjoy being around someone? Well, beyond desiring them sexually, I enjoy sharing the things I'm excited about with people for their first time. OMG, you've never heard this band? They're amazing! I want nothing more than to see your reaction when you hear them for the first time. Same with movies, shows, interesting pieces of knowledge, etc. I tend to like younger women, and part of that equation is that I get to show them all that stuff they've never seen. I get in a terrible place as a private tutor when I meet attractive college-age women, because the dynamic we're about to share is like my perfect dynamic, but I simply can't do anything about it because of the nature of the situation.

What about a peer? This is going to sound terrible,but...I almost never meet my peer, particularly among women. I'm a very smart guy, very intellectual, and very 'guy' in my thought process and the things I like. On top of that, I've lived a slightly unusual life that's left me feeling like I don't connect with my age group anymore. So, it's just so rare to find someone who seems like they're on the same page as me. It's not that I don't want that at all, it's just that I don't expect to find it.

yungthrowaway97 · 2021-10-13T01:17:43+00:00

Girlfriend kinda high. Marriage very high

RDelbson · 2021-10-13T03:47:27+00:00

Your standards can be whatever you make them. At the end of the day it's your life.

velvetunderground111 · 2021-10-13T04:49:59+00:00

Older guy chiming in, but used to do well with women: there once existed a kind of "wholesome" type of scene girl who dressed and acted like Ellen Page from "Juno" (minus the pregnant part) and made decent 1-2 year long girlfriend material. I don't know if you can still find that, and I don't know if I can define "wholesome", but I would know it when I saw it. I'm speaking of the 2000's, so no clue if this is still a thing. Thrift store shopping, glasses wearing hipster women used to be somewhat tradcon when it came to sex and dating, believe it or not. Even with lefty politics. Enid from "Ghost World" would be another example of this archetype. Pretty sure it no longer works this way.

DesertSweat · 2021-10-13T09:54:26+00:00

Be down to earth, have goals, be moderately attractive.

TheSmallerGambler · 2021-10-13T11:07:13+00:00

“Girlfriend material” is basically a girl you like hanging out with and like to fuck.

“Wife material” is a professional position though.

wejaow · 2021-10-13T12:25:15+00:00

I just think it’s ironic as hell that women would complain about a man’s standards being “too high” …

Guerilla_Gorilla222 · 2021-10-19T05:33:19+00:00

Not high at all. I just want someone who's soft, cute, and emotionally in tuned. Though, preferably a bit shorter than me, is all I'm asking for.

gimpgirl555 · 2021-10-12T19:13:14+00:00

Just be hottt and put out. That's all there is to it.

Rosifer433d · 2021-10-12T17:52:24+00:00

Depends on how abundant what you are seeking for is, that would make you either have very high standards in the women you introduce to your parents or not.

Is she sweet?

Does she always have a smile on her lips for me even when she's having a bad day?

Is she smart?

Is she intelligent?

Does she love being around me?

Is she college educated?

Do we have the same hobbies? Same ideals? Same political convictions?

Are we from the same cultural background? LMAO I kid, I don't care about that.

Is she 5'9'', slim, pretty, with high cheekbones and full lips and clear skin and straight white teeth?

Then I'll introduce her to my parents!

Title	[Q4All]How high is the bar for being “girlfriend material”?
Author	MasterTeacher123
Upvotes	40
Comments	254
Date	October 12, 2021 3:45 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/q6p2xk/q4allhow_high_is_the_bar_for_being_girlfriend/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4allhow-high-is-the-bar-for-being-girlfriend.1079919 https://theredarchive.com/post/1079919

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