What is up with men saying they want someone who is passionate about something?

Equal-Ear2312 · 2022-02-17T06:50:05+00:00

This can be so dangerous. I've had men try to steal or appropriate those passions and then I've had men who just loved identifying my passions only to keep me away from them, "break me in" how they say.

sundropped-mini · 2022-02-17T03:13:48+00:00

Prove to me that you are an interesting human being!

No, not like that!

Why do you expect me to listen to you talk about the things you are interested in!

I'm the man. Why aren't we talking about mmeeeeeeeee!! 🤦🏽‍♀️

PeanutButterPigeon85 · 2022-02-17T04:57:07+00:00

Meh, to me, that has the same energy as "I want someone who's entertaining on command now and then," like in this classic XKCD comic strip: https://xkcd.com/122/

savagegardenn · 2022-02-17T03:30:03+00:00

When a man says he wants a “passionate” woman, he is looking for someone who has interest in his passions.

I met a decent guy (LVM status revealed eventually, but he’s tall and has an actual job) who loves music. So do I. Once he listened to me talk about his interest enough to pass the “cool music girl” test, it was just all about his musical passion. He can’t listen. He doesn’t stop talking. He just wants a captive/captivated audience and can’t tell the difference.

whiskey_and_oreos · 2022-02-17T03:31:27+00:00

I've run into a few versions of this. Several wanted independent women with their own passions so they could slowly take it away from the woman as a test of their control. Others seemed to think only men had the emotional depth to be passionate (usually meaning obsessive over sports or video games) and thought women's passions were superficial and only used to pass the time until a man came along. Gamers call their addiction a passion and think if you also say you're passionate about things then they can get a pass on gaming until 4am even though you have very different definitions of the word passion.

Unlikely-Marzipan · 2022-02-17T08:45:55+00:00

Yes. I have no idea why they say this either. Maybe it’s an attempt to sound

My ex was the same. One day he was super surprised to find out I wrote short stories, ran a side business in coaching, could paint, and was interested in gemmology - he was like “you should tell people and sell yourself.”

Truth is, I HAD told him all these things but each time he made condescending remarks and brushed them off, laughed, and talked about himself or made a joke of my knowledge.

MacrameGoose34 · 2022-02-17T03:11:19+00:00

Men who state that are hinting that they have no passions themselves and are projecting the things they desire for themselves onto their partner. The fact that a guy is phrasing his "request" so generally and centers himself in your discussion of your passions, means that he doesn't give a shit about your passions and is looking for an interesting gf to make up for what he lacks.

PinchePescadora · 2022-02-17T07:08:51+00:00

I feel this SO GODDAMN MUCH, I don’t need to promote or involve other people in my passions. In fact it’s better for me if they remain personal and private, they’re mine!

thewetdog_ · 2022-02-17T13:11:40+00:00

On OLD things don’t mean what they mean in regular life:

ambitious = will fund my startup
career oriented = 50-50
family oriented = will dangle the marriage 🥕
outgoing/passionate/don’t be boring = expects you to be performative and entertaining. Same if opens convo will bullshit question like “tell me something you’ve never told anyone” or “tell me your goals for 2022” 🤮
positive/gOoD vIbEs oNlY = will never consider your feelings

Joan_of_Spark · 2022-02-17T06:25:13+00:00

To me, it's about how LVM don't have passions of their own and are looking for something cool to piggyback off of. Instead of putting the time and effort into trying, failing, and improving at their own passion they can date someone accomplished and pretend that passion somehow now belongs to them.

I see this all the time. Couple is "passionate" about anime: she puts work into cosplay and exploring the stories, he watches episodes. Couple is "passionate" about cooking. She cooks and he critiques. He takes the passive, taking role while she has to put the time and effort into making something new.

It's the same as when a guy says he is low stress when he has no opinions on where to go for dates and can do "whatever." He's not being low stress or low maintenance, he is shoving the responsibility onto the woman in the relationship.

gcthwy · 2022-02-17T12:05:00+00:00

They don’t think women are people lol, they assume most women are shallow and 2D because that’s how THEY see women (and that’s how most pornsick men actually are lol - no personality, once again it’s all projection).

Platipus6 · 2022-02-17T04:42:46+00:00

I've noticed porn addicts are extremely dull and have shallow, empty, uninspiring lives. They have no motivation and no internal drive or passions of their own, besides spending 4 hours looking for the perfect rape clip to spark their pp.

They hope a woman chattering excitedly about something will spark something in them but they're so dead inside it doesn't work, so they run through women leaving carnage and heartbreak behind them.

Japanese_Lasagna · 2022-02-17T05:57:21+00:00

It’s simple: They want a manic-pixie dream girl. Men who prioritize “passion” and “passionate” women want women who are always cheerful and enthusiastic and eager to have tons of sex with them and share their same hobbies. These men will dump you the moment they get bored or you have any setback that upsets you. I know this from personal experience, and I refuse to date those who put these red flags in their OLD profiles.

RuminatingRhino · 2022-02-17T05:33:18+00:00

My ex used to say I wasn’t passionate enough about things - the truth is he just thought my hobbies weren’t “worthy” of his acceptance, he made me feel like shit.

Also, why is it that every guy I’ve met who’s obsessed about women having “passions,” has the same basic bitch interests? They’re either really into super cars or sports. Not that there’s an issue with those interests, but it certainly doesn’t make them as special/unique/superior as they like to think they are.

thepsychopathhunter · 2022-02-17T03:14:28+00:00

You’re definitely not imagining the misogyny. Low value men love to believe that smart, accomplished and passionate women are “rare” because it fits in with their gross stereotypes about women which don’t leave room for their multifacetedness. In reality there are many women who are ambitious and intelligent — but as studies have shown, LVM are threatened by these women. LVM may pretend to feign interest in their passions and ambitions and goals but they are in reality threatened by their intelligence once they encounter these women in real life. They say they want a smart and driven woman but cannot handle the hit their ego takes once they meet her. And the antagonism you encountered when you shared your passions and interests is a common form of abusive countering — manipulators use this to keep you constantly on the defense.

A lot of low value men will feign interest in your passions to get you interested in them because it makes them look more desirable. But they are pathologically envious of the same ambitious women they pretend to admire and will drag them down once they realize the women in question are above them in any way. It’s the high value men who get genuinely excited by a woman’s passions and want to really know more and feel proud to date these women — as they should. They know what an honor it is for a woman to share what she is truly passionate about with them. In this society where pathologically envious men drag down successful women, it truly is a privilege that she trusts him enough to share what matters most to her and trusts him not to deflate her for it. I think it’s good you’re cautious about who you share your excitement with because given the state of how many LVM there are in the dating world it’s likely there will be some you’ll encounter who will pretend to care but find a way to try to rain on your parade. Protect your excitement and joy. On the other hand it can also be a vetting technique - share something small you’re excited about and see how they react. If they are consistently excited for you over a long period of time, it may be a green flag.

HolyIsTheLord · 2022-02-17T04:51:59+00:00

Yes, you must be passionate with a hobby that does not interfere with theirs.

You must have your own money, but you can't make more than them.

You must be hot, but not so hot that it makes other men desire you, making them jealous and inecure.

You must be smart, but not so smart that they feel less smart.

You must be educated, but you should only have a bachelor's if they have a master's or PhD.

You should own your own home, but not as nice as a home as theirs.

This is my current predicament. They all claim to want a woman who is rocking life, but not rocking it quite as much as them.

VintagePallor · 2022-02-17T03:34:03+00:00

It's definitely misogyny and a subtle push to get women into a Pick Me/NLOG mindset. "All the women on this app are just into wine and Netflix and dogs and sushi, so basic! YOU should be passionate about something cooler than that. Aaaand, go!" Gross. I totally resonate with not wanting a man's approval or praise, if a man I don't respect gives me a compliment on doing something well it usually pisses me off because I didn't ASK for your approval, I don't CARE to have it and I never will. I KNOW I'm awesome at this, you telling me that means less than nothing. Ick!!

frogchickenhorse · 2022-02-17T04:07:07+00:00

What a wank. Whenever I’m passionate about something it’s been ridiculed by a guy for being nerdy, uncool or whatever.

mandoa_sky · 2022-02-17T07:23:47+00:00

or you date and want to spend time on said passions and then he complains about it.

Commercial_Place9807 · 2022-02-17T11:56:18+00:00

It’s because they think women are silly. That the hobbies and interests we usually have are silly and comical. They basically want a dude because they don’t really like women.

aoi4eg · 2022-02-17T06:40:06+00:00

When I used to use Tinder, I noticed a lot of men being very snobbish about hobbies. Some of them even had "I want a passionate woman with a lot of hobbies. No, reading books, watching TV and eating food are not hobbies!" in their bio. Like, dude, you have nothing attractive to say about yourself so you decide to be hostile towards women (again).

aquietsword · 2022-02-17T04:21:33+00:00

The only men I've had ask something along these lines are the simplest of scrotes. Essentially, they are incompetent at social interactions and want a woman who has a job, family, friends, and that one passion they will talk about without prompting from the scrote. He doesn't have to ask deep or thoughtful questions to get to know you because ideally you are so into your "passion" that you fill in awkward silences without any effort on his part while mostly letting him speak about himself.

Men who ask this on OLD, or anywhere really, are VERY emotionally shallow themselves. They don't have a lot going on so the one hobby that they've ever stumbled into is their "passion" regardless of how much they care about it. I don't think there's an emotional element here despite the word choice. When my ex scrote talked about his "passion" he could have been talking about accidentally stepping on gum, that's how animated he was about the thing he cared about so much lol. So hallow, really.

If you're the kind of person that loves learning and is passionate about a lot of varying subjects, it's going to be too much for the scrote brain and he probably won't accept that you have a passion at all.

myheartisfulloflove · 2022-02-17T06:03:14+00:00

"I am looking for someone who is passionate about things" or "I will fall for you if you talk to me about your passions" ?

Simple. They want to find a bright, intelligent, and/or talented woman to slowly erode her self esteem to shreds through years of negging, ignoring her conversations over these passions she has, comparing her to another woman with "better passions" than her, etc.

There's really nothing more to it than that.

curlybeatbox · 2022-02-17T08:10:59+00:00

They want you to be passionate about some bullshit they are passionate about like sports or videogames

woadsky · 2022-02-17T13:19:07+00:00

For some men it may be code for "passionate about sex". That is my first thought when I hear the word passion. They're bringing up sex without using the word. Or, a bit more indirectly, perhaps they may think if a woman is passionate about her interests then she'll be passionate in the bedroom.

mothboon · 2022-02-17T13:44:23+00:00

I don't understand it, either. I'm extremely passionate about so many things and I've been met with great disdain when I've talked about them with men.

It honestly feels like they're mad that you're not the NPC they thought you were and that you have incredible depth and they are only somewhat knowledgeable about like 2-3 things but they get butthurt that you know a lot about dozens of things.

Geocities_SEO_Expert · 2022-02-17T03:13:17+00:00

I would be suspicious that he wants a woman who is passionate about her job, so he can mooch and fail to provide anything.

alpinepunch2021 · 2022-02-17T14:32:09+00:00

The reason it's off-putting is because men who do this think women aren't passionate about things or don't have real hobbies because they don't actually see women as human. Like, every person everywhere has hobbies because otherwise they'd just be bored out of their minds. They don't think whatever women do as hobbies qualify as hobbies, however. If a woman likes watching documentaries and movies and reading news articles or nonfiction in her free time they won't consider those hobbies, but if a man does it they'll pretend his hobbies include film and cultural criticism.

A lot of men also don't consider things like learning about the world around you to be a hobby and think hobbies have to be 'productive' i.e. they have to involve making something, but the irony is the few men who do have hobbies of this variety (e.g. making music on FL studio, programming etc.) are just dogshit at it, which makes you wonder what the intrinsic value is in producing something if that thing is bad and nobody cares about it. Note that these men still tend to think that gaming qualifies as a hobby (even though it's one that involves consumption and not production), but for some reason reading, finding and listening to new music, and watching media with a critical eye don't.

Bbeautifulbitch · 2022-02-17T08:52:35+00:00

Since everything is sexual in their minds, passionate is probably just code for “does wild things in bed.” Don’t overthink this ladies

Papaverinum · 2022-02-17T08:43:05+00:00

I'm very passionate about my hobbies. I tried to get my nvx into them, but he never did.

ennu_i_sao · 2022-02-17T06:02:18+00:00

An ex of mine once told me I had a lot more life than him and I’m inclined to think he was right about that. He had a couple interests but nothing he strongly felt about, not even himself. But he just loved that I would have a lot to say about about my passions. He was more empty so I think that was probably the appeal. After a while, he seemed to parrot things I had told him or acted like those were his passions all along too. I don’t fully understand him and his reasoning but it seems like he just needed a proxy for feelings that weren’t superficial

bookworm1896 · 2022-02-17T06:50:37+00:00

It definitly is misogyny with a hint of mansplaining. I had an acquaintance at college who once told me why every single one of my hobbies is no hobby at all and that only artsy stuff like his photography (women in skimpy clothes) would count as a hobby. Horse riding, fitness, hiking, interest in music (without playing an instrument), reading? Boring, sports don't count as a hobby. Why? Because he says so. He was such an arrogant guy... I never before had talked to him that long, when we met accidentally on a train and he used this as an opportunity to talk my ear off. (At this time I was too nice to put my headphones on and ignore him).

anabelchoc1 · 2022-02-17T03:06:06+00:00

I think they say it so they won't get women who demand too much from them.

Essentially, they want someone who has a life; that way, they aren't bugging him for every little thing (since she's busy with her passions).

I don't think it is inherently a bad thing, but LVM can manipulate it, so they date women who are too busy to care about what he's doing. So he can slack off while still getting gf benefits.

ThrowRA_lantern · 2022-02-17T05:39:47+00:00

It’s ironic because the LVX’s of my past would absolutely admire my passions (or so they say) then a few months later it ends up being one of the reasons we break up!

It’s always something like: * “You have so many hobbies and I don’t 😞” * “How can you be so good/passionate/optimistic about something? Wish I had something like that..” * “UGH we get it!! You do xyz!! Stop mentioning it all the time!” (me just casually mentioning I have a certain activity later on in the week). * Or they’ll make random negative remarks, jokes or negs about your hobbies. “Pfft you like xyz?? haha that’s so LAME teehee.” * Or they’ll get jealous you have commitments that don’t involve them and start dragging you down. Leeches taking all your time and attention.

They secretly hate women that are real, with real life opportunities and their own interests that don’t involve the man they’re dating.

sunset_sunshine30 · 2022-02-17T15:56:13+00:00

The funniest ones I find are those who want a woman who is passionate and driven but also chilled out and laid back. I am in my point in my career that I am, living in my own place with my own car because I was precisely NOT laid back and chilled out about running my own life.

keep_my_stuff · 2022-02-17T10:29:41+00:00

Men who want a passionate woman are basically dead inside, and think that a lively, slightly manic woman who is excited about the simple things can make them feel alive again. What happens is they drag the woman to the void, not the other way around.

About people asking annoying questions, idk, I feel this way too. My theory is it may have to do with the MBTI type. Sensors somehow enjoy talking about details even if there is no overall point (like asking about pivot when they will never use it) and this annoys Intuitives a lot.

BedazzledSwashbuckle · 2022-02-17T17:49:37+00:00

I've noticed they always expect her to eventually channel that same "passionate" energy toward them and their emotions and their goals ... it's never the guys turning around to focus on and support the girlfriend's passion.

So I'd read it as, "Do you have the ability to fully immerse yourself into something so intensely that you rather lose sight of / neglect the remainder of your own life? Because someday I plan to be that "something" and want to make sure you're primed and ready for that. (Although I already plan to pathologize this quality by saying you're "codependent" when you do, so no skin off my back)."

ohmira · 2022-02-17T06:59:52+00:00

In my experience, they mean it to be something like ‘I have so little going for me that I will only talk about you if we date, and you better make me look cool.’

A few exs would only ever talk about me for the above reason or they simply wanted to deflect from talking about themselves due to anxiety, depression or they were just mean. It was incredible to speak with their friends and they knew about things that happened to me yesterday… created pretty uncomfortable situations as they felt completely comfortable giving me their masculine insights into things I’ve never spoken to them about.

Noemie_Mathilde · 2022-02-17T10:01:56+00:00

Just gonna leave this here: https://youtu.be/Bz2-49q6DOI

chinchaslyth · 2022-02-17T13:29:50+00:00

I was told by a man I was too passionate and I needed to “chill.”

I told him I wouldn’t make myself smaller so I was more digestible for him.

Now I’m dating a HVM who knows I’m marriage material and I know he is too!

katiekat0214 · 2022-02-17T15:30:42+00:00

Everything everyone else said, yes. I also think the following, no particular order:

-- what can I get her excited talking about so that when I go to make a move, it turns into sex?

-- what hobbies can I steal or co-opt from her since I don't really have any of my own?

-- how can I show her off like a trophy like "hey I have a very cool girlfriend"

But yeah, how dare a woman know more than a man about anything. EYE ROLL.

thinktwiceorelse · 2022-02-17T19:46:34+00:00

They're projecting. My ex used to talk about how I should find my life purpose that I should be passionate about, even though he knew I already had. He was basically talking to himself, but somehow decided that projecting his insecurities was a better strategy.

grittex · 2022-02-18T03:05:12+00:00

I'm passionate about my work, my success, my family and friends and the activities I do with them (I don't really care what they are, just having fun with people I love), my fitness, what I consume (like, healthy cooking and meal prep, reading about nutrition and vitamins and stuff), and reading about stuff. Those things are my priorities.

I think men who say they want "passion" mean they want passion about things that are mostly outside of the ordinary daily grind. They want to be saved from ordinary life, rather than someone who is passionate about ordinary things in their own life. They're just usually not capable of the kind of insight to realise that stuff.

2022-02-17T09:51:16+00:00

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itsirrelevant · 2022-02-17T23:49:34+00:00

I feel like this is often the case with men looking to make sure their woman doesn't expect too much from him or want to spend too much time from him. It also seems to correlate with men who don't want to have to support a woman too much who use "passions" as code for well paying career.

Either "leave me alone while I game all day and night" or "you better not expect me to pay for anything and you better plan to chip in half on all finances (while also doing all the domestic labor)"

Just my observations thus far.

Title	What is up with men saying they want someone who is passionate about something?
Author	Living_Butterfly7171
Upvotes	932
Comments	102
Date	February 17, 2022 2:58 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/sue3kv/what_is_up_with_men_saying_they_want_someone_who/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/what-is-up-with-men-saying-they-want-someone-who.1101856 https://theredarchive.com/post/1101856

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