Most women aren't “Strongly attracted” to their Boyfriend/Husband sexually, they’re just “Minimally attracted”.

Illustrious_Drive · 2020-01-27T17:02:55+00:00

I agree with you mostly... however, even strong attraction can fade (I.e balding, excessive weight gain, smoking, etc).

I think you’re underestimating the impact that unattractive behaviors has on an otherwise strongly attractive man. Aka in a marriage/LTR if your boyfriend is whiney, weak, a douche, controlling, or otherwise unattractive in behavior, it won’t be enough to make up for an attractive face to a woman and she may still develop a sexual aversion to him.

I also think people vastly underestimate the importance of values. Is the woman content with letting her sexual appetite fade based solely on looks alone? Is it important to her to find other ways to inspire her sexual desire when it comes to her man? Would she be proactive in preventing measures that would otherwise make her husband unattractive to her? Etc.

wekacuck · 2020-01-27T17:19:08+00:00

This “Minimal” attraction fades away overtime and the couple end up having a DB, Affair or divorce.

If the attraction was “Strong” in the first place, the failure rate for marriages wouldn’t be so high.

This is a combination of just-world fallacy and confirmation bias. People cheat. Maybe there's blame. Maybe there's not.

Marriages can certainly have strong initial attraction and fail. People can cheat, have affairs, divorce for all sorts of reasons. Financial strain is one of the strongest predictors of divorce and that has nothing to do with attraction--initial or otherwise.

But generally I think it is better to think about a campfire. The size of the spark that starts the fire is irrelevant to the size or duration of the fire that develops. And fires that start large can consume all fuel quickly and reduce to a smouldering heap of ash quickly. If you want a nice fire, you get it started, grow and tend it. At the end on the day it's the fire you have that matters. Who cares if you used a match, cigarette lighter, magnifying lens, lightning rod, firework, found a burning bush, rubbed some sticks together, tiki torch, flint, etc.

Gravel_Roads · 2020-01-27T17:14:51+00:00

Most men aren’t Chris Hemsworth. Most women aren’t Megan Fox. This doesn’t mean that anything short of either is “settling”, an LTR involves more connection than merely physical. That’s the one thing that is guaranteed not to last, considering everyone ages with time.

CainPrice · 2020-01-27T18:33:22+00:00

For this CMV to be true, we have to assume that the majority of "alpha" men are players who only do casual sex and don't have girlfriends.

That is not true. Some (in fact most) "alpha" men get into relationships. Many even end up married. While it's debatable whether that attraction withstands the test of time, comfort, familiarity, and handing a woman power over him, at least at the beginning, a woman is very much strongly attracted to her boyfriend/husband.

bcool87 · 2020-01-27T19:30:50+00:00

A bit extreme. Minimally attracted, no. Sufficiently or adequately attracted, yes. An axiom that really hits home is the idea that most things that build value with a woman, hurt comfort, and most things that build comfort with a girl, break value. In recent years, I've done a good job highlighting my attractive qualities, but at the expense of other things that make a woman think I'm a good longer-term prospect. Before, I was too far in the other extreme. A balance is what is good.

I think RP/PUA overstates the idea that women ideally want men totally out of their league who they don't deserve. I'd say in my experience it's a guy who's slightly cooler, slightly better, again in the long term not talking about just hooking up. Otherwise, the girl gets into auto rejection mode and a unique brand of shit testing which is more about her insecurities than it is about your being "fitness tested." I've experienced this as well with pretty attractive women who were nonetheless a bit shy and insecure.

4GirlsWorld · 2020-01-27T19:25:51+00:00

This was probably true in my past marriage. We are now divorced. I won’t make that same mistake again. I want to be madly in love and sexually attracted to my man... so far on the right track with my current bf.

Dominemm · 2020-01-27T21:40:47+00:00

You get used to it.

I spent my early 20s in a relationship with Chad. After literally two months, his face just became normal. That didn’t keep me going or make me like him more. The sex was meh, he never remembered anything important to me, failed out of college, and still to this day working on a associates degree at 28 years old.

My current boyfriend is not as conventionally attractive. However, he’s smart, kind, interesting and he can actually fuck. Much better in my opinion than a pretty face.

poppy_blu · 2020-01-27T22:27:59+00:00

Op, are you married? Have you ever been? Have you ever been in a LTR of any kind? Meaning have you experienced what happens in a LTR or is this just all theory?

Statements like “If the attraction was “Strong” in the first place, the failure rate for marriages wouldn’t be so high” suggest a level of naïveté that I question whether you have ever observed any married couples IRL (or maybe you’re young and you don’t know any).

When one is not at all interested in being proven wrong or listening to anyones opinion that doesn’t agree with theirs, they dismiss them by claiming “women lie” and “hamster,” and men who disagree are “BP white knights.”

You are not interested in having your view challenged.

RinoaRita · 2020-01-27T19:59:38+00:00

This is a tangential change my view. The response is does it matter? I’m assuming it’s just physical attractiveness that you’re referring to and not personality or intelligence.

It’s obvious that Jason momoa and Chris helmsworth are super attractive. You would be lying if you argue the average guy is as attractive as those guys. If you’re strongly attracted to them then you would have to be only minimally attracted to the average guy.

The same goes for men. Scarlet johannsen and angelina Jolie are highly attractive. The average woman would only by minimal compared to her.

So while your view is true, my attempt at cmv is that it’s an irrelevant and obvious view. Some people are more attractive than others. And water is wet.

Most of us deal with that fact and move on. And even if someone wouldn’t necessarily hang up a poster of their partner on their wall like they would an attractive celebrity, they still enjoy time and sex with them. If men want to cry that the raw “oh man he’s sooo hot” attraction of their wife/gf isn’t as strong as their attraction to the top tier men they need to get over it. I would say the same to the woman that cries to her husband “is she prettier than me??” about something celebrity who is literally a celebrity for looking attractive.

Soylent_X · 2020-01-27T18:25:35+00:00

A similar theory has been bouncing around my neurons for ages, I just have never put it in writing.

I think that most women, although heterosexual, don't actually like men. They don't much care for men as people, don't want their opinion, don't much desire being around men, the sight of one doesn't stir any positive feelings etc.

Being attached to one has its benefits like financial security, physical security, keeping other men away so you don't have to deal with more of the same but really, they'd feel just fine to never have to deal with men.

They are straight sexually, they're not wanting to be with other women in that way, but they do like compatible women for friendship.

The theory doesn't come clear to everyone, it may be best explained one on one.

PennnyLame · 2020-01-27T17:22:03+00:00

I don’t know that BPers claim that women are strongly attracted to their average husbands but that most men are having sex/relationships. Married people have sex about 51x a year or once a week. Most sex therapists note that anything less than 1x/month is a cause for serious concern. So, I would say that being married does indicate the man is having sex at some frequency. The intensity of her attraction is hardly the root of the convo though.

AngelFire_3_14156 · 2020-01-27T18:52:38+00:00

Sexual attraction is only part of it. There's more to it. For example, what do they bring to the relationship? What do they offer?

If a really hot guy does nothing but play video games all the time, then what value is he?

I personally would much rather have an average looking guy that makes valuable contributions, than a hot one who's basically useless - and I've known of a few.

To me, it's the overall value that creates attraction.

nemma88 · 2020-01-27T23:47:40+00:00

I can only go with my own experience here.

I worked out the difference between sexual attraction and strong sexual attraction (and no sexual attraction I guess) by 20. Since then I only considered LTRs with men I was strongly attracted to. That's 3 relationships, one lasted less than a year when I found out he was seeing other men so on him, one lasted a long time but ultimately I changed during that time and he didn't so that ones on me. The last one we won.

At no point did I stop looking to settle down. Now maybe I'm in the fortunate position I can look for both for one reason or another - but if I was going to say a reason for why many young women do this is lack of experience. Before 20 I had a few relationships with people at different ends of the scale and that helped me understand my own sexuality.

rus9384 · 2020-01-27T16:51:09+00:00

Would a woman jump into bed with a man the first or second night she knew him if she wasn't strongly attracted to the him?

flamingoinghome · 2020-01-27T17:47:49+00:00

Actually, I think "strong attraction" is likely orthogonal at best to marital success. In fact, one could argue that people who marry, that is make a commitment that's legal, financial, familial, and in many cases spiritual based on sexual attraction are more likely to see their marriages suffer, because they forgot to screen for compatibility/ have nothing left in the toolbox when everyone inevitably goes grey and gets wrinkles.

sublimemongrel · 2020-01-27T17:25:46+00:00

I have never just been “minimally attracted” to a man whatever that means, either I’m attracted or I’m not. There’s definitely times where the passion is more expressed like when we have actual time to focus on it rather than sneak some quickie in (the joys of having a 6 month old), but that seems to be a different matter.

I have lost attraction before to past boyfriends but I would also not describe that process as being “minimally attracted”.

Other than that I would like to know what you are basing your ultimate conclusion here on?

unicorns- · 2020-01-27T17:18:48+00:00

Most women are strongly attracted to their partners. Even if their partner isn’t incredibly conventionally attractive, most peoples don’t marry someone they don’t have chemistry with.

Thetrvler · 2020-01-27T21:19:56+00:00

Because most of the reasons women keep men around have nothing to do with actual attraction. If women being completely attracted to a man because he was seriously himself were the case, there would be absolutely no need for marriage. It’s all the other benefits women benefit from.

Men are attracted to women as women. Women are attracted to men as tools.

CentralAdmin · 2020-01-27T17:14:32+00:00

i don't think women hamster anything. if you actually listen to women talk about their ltrs and husbands they don't pretend that their partner has some overwhelming sexual allure that binds her to him. men just don't care because they prioritize their own sexual interest in her over it being reciprocated equally.

Mattcwu · 2020-01-27T20:48:40+00:00

Maybe we should stop being polyphobic in this country. Stop oppressing poly-people. The church definition of marriage needs to go. Allow poly-marriages! If adults love each other, they should be allowed to get married.

SeasonedRP · 2020-01-27T22:12:52+00:00

No, but you're close. Women are attracted to their husbands in the dating and early marriage stages. After a period of time, that attraction wanes. If the guy is a slob, they'll say it's because he doesn't help out around the house. If he's a neat freak, they'll say it's because he let himself go. If he's a neat freak and looks good, they'll say its something else.

xKalisto · 2020-01-27T22:27:39+00:00

After 12 years together my husband just keeps geting cuter and cuter.

lmao1969 · 2020-01-28T03:56:27+00:00

idk about that. i am strongly attracted to my bf, my mom is strongly attracted to my dad, 3 out of 4 of my best friends share photos of their bfs and keep gushing about how cute they look and stuff. i think it depends on how attractive the guy is and how her libido is

Loki-lynn · 2020-01-28T06:06:00+00:00

I’m not strongly attracted to my boyfriend, but we do have a lot in common which makes being around him alot kinda fun. I’ve found that the guys I genuinely bond with sexually are terrible for a LTR.

Bpinchosrep · 2020-01-28T12:00:02+00:00

They are attracted to their protection and provision. But they may not be aroused by them physically. There’s a difference between attraction and arousal.

DraconianDebate · 2020-01-28T12:13:51+00:00

You are surrounded by weak blue pill men and women who will sleep with anything that has a pulse, and your perception of reality is biased by that. If you are actually working on improving yourself and resolving your personal deficiencies you can easily increase your attraction to your partner over time. A woman could theoretically be minimally attracted to a man at the start of a relationship and have that attraction grow over time as the man shows her his character and continues to improve himself. In your late teens and early twenties you are nothing but a boy, and if you cannot improve your attractiveness over the next decade then you are doing something wrong.

tickledpic · 2020-01-27T17:46:41+00:00

Most women are only slightly attracted to their man sexually, but the Man’s Job/Status and her circumstances which might force her to settle down makes him a reasonable choice for an LTR.

What you don't get is that status can be sexually appealing to women. Everyone understands the celebrity effect, but just a man in a powerful position is an attractive trait.

For example a not famous, but respected public speaker with a strong presence. He is not really a celebrity, but he is a man who other people listen to. That is a plus on the attraction scale.

Now if the man is weak when talking to her (which most men are) that's a minus on the attraction scale.

Then it comes down to how much plusses and how much minuses there are between the two people. But the point is that money/status/job can actually be a sexual attraction factor. It's not only for use of his resources.

Blue_Andre · 2020-01-27T19:02:57+00:00

Women have higher standards. Men mainly go for looks. In terms of looks, women have way higher standards than men. Status is the one thing that can help you if you lack in the looks department. These are the two main things women go for. If you are good looking, she will be highly attracted. If you have high status, she will chase and chase you.

Although women have higher standards (and lower sex drive), she will be very attracted to you if you have a high SMV.

superlurkage · 2020-01-27T21:33:20+00:00

I feel like we should spin off a “teenpurplepilldebate” or “purplepilldebateunder25” or something. Let the adults with real world experience discuss stuff, ok?

cracksniffer666 · 2020-01-28T02:54:18+00:00

AFBB could have summed this up. It's extremely obvious this happens.

ResponsibleCharacter · 2020-01-27T19:10:13+00:00

Nah, I 100% disagree. Often it's not even physical appearance that ruins attraction, its other fundamental incompatibilities. Does he clean up after himself? Does he help with his own damn kids or has he never made a doctor's appointment for them in their entire lives? Is he "checked in" to family life or no? Does he attempt to pressure/coerce/harass her into sex despite doing absolutely nothing to make her... you know, like him? Is his idea of a date watching some bullshit TV, farting, and then trying to get handsy? Is he always trying to better himself for the good of the family?

Women don't just have sex with bodies like men do. We have sex with the person inside the body. If we stop liking the person, he could be an adonis... he needs to get the fuck out. Men honestly care a lot less about who a woman is... if she's physically "good enough" to make PP hard and putting out regularly many are content to just... ignore who she actually is basically and live separate lives that intersect for bangmaid activities. "My old lady is such a nag, my wife is blah blah blah" they don't like her either but they can look past that for sex and be content for whatever reason.

I will say once women realize they don't even like their husband for X, Y, Z legitimate reasons that have built up over time they really should leave. Even if they are SAH they should work on developing a life in which they can financially support themselves (with the child support of course) and leave, not just live in some kind of sexless purgatory of resentment. For the kids sake at least.

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FreakXAurora · 2020-01-27T17:34:56+00:00

I’m not in a relationship but when I have been it’s been good. But I don’t feel sexually attraction whatsoever, not towards “Chads”, women, men.

2020-01-27T17:45:09+00:00

[removed]

eternitypasses · 2020-01-27T21:14:25+00:00

Obviously there’s more to a marriage/relationship than sexual attraction. You can be sexually attracted to someone but not want to be in a relationship with them.

41013 · 2020-01-27T21:18:00+00:00

There would be few marriages if both or even one of the partners had to be “strongly” let alone “maximally” attracted to each other

Everyone settles, ya whiners. Even hot people

2020-01-27T23:13:51+00:00

I doubt that. Many couples will marry and live together even if only the woman has money or if neither have money. The vast majority of relationships that dont end in failure are because both members actually like the other partner for who they are, not based on looks, physical benefits or status.

Having looks or status MAY get the foot in the door, but it's the vibes between the two that keep the relationship going. Many people, especially old ones, will say that their wifes/husbands personality is what made them attractive after the honeymoon stage fades.

ieatassonfirstdate · 2020-01-27T23:29:17+00:00

nah. strong attraction would be less likely to succeed since the attraction would be key for the relationship. and as we all know, attraction fades away. in the other hand, mild attraction has better chances since there are many other factors making the relationship work.

2020-01-28T00:30:46+00:00

First off appearances are just one part of attraction and pair bonding. Second, there are plenty of men who are "minimally attracted" to their wives. What do you think happens when people get old? Why do you think men leave for someone younger? Because people are shallow. In other news, water is wet.

NarniaFox · 2020-01-28T02:55:00+00:00

I doubt that people can't get strongly attracted to average people. Most of us are average and attraction doesn't work on the appearance alone.

AdmiralSP · 2020-01-28T03:39:52+00:00

Think this is true for both men and women mate.

tropicsGold · 2020-01-28T04:04:59+00:00

There is a spectrum. Gold diggers may have no attraction. Some are extremely attracted. The attraction can fade with time, but it can also grow, if the husband increases his attractiveness.

inkoDe · 2020-01-28T05:38:30+00:00

I see this theme pop up often. I was in a nine year relationship and by the end our sex lives were just different. It went from medicore sex sometimes multiple times a day to really good sex maybe 3 times a week. Also at a certain point the attraction changed too. It went from wanting to have sex with her because of her looks to i want to have sex with this whole person. Emotions were a lot more involved. Keep in mind i still thought she was pretty but i can only speak from my perspective on that. I think if you are in a healthy sexual relationship, why question it too much? Its insecurity, pure and simple which DOES and WILL kill the besroom and inevitably the relationship as a whole.

analt223 · 2020-01-28T06:07:50+00:00

most "hetero" women watch lesbian porn. Its pretty obvious that men are not really sexy to women.

clueless3232 · 2020-01-28T06:09:39+00:00

A strongly attractive man is also strongly attractive to OTHER women.. Hence, women might be sensible not to be attracted to this man as a long term prospect... Insecurities and all, if she herself isn't strongly attractive too.

Eastuss · 2020-01-28T06:15:41+00:00

Women can't even have relationships and sex with average men without tricking themselves into a bond and attachment that formed in months.

DangZagnut · 2020-01-28T06:33:10+00:00

Women have sex based on attraction, women form relationships based on money and utility.

Men will stupidly get married based on attraction and not money.

BlackPorcelainDoll · 2020-01-28T06:40:53+00:00

I'm pretty sure I'm strongly attracted, I know 'cause I'm not with the dudes that I had "minimal" and weak ass attraction for.... that was easy.

Ordinary-West · 2020-01-28T06:46:50+00:00

[deleted]

77tuoemtae · 2020-01-28T10:25:46+00:00

U lonely aye

lionhart280 · 2020-02-07T03:04:05+00:00

Most men have habits that quickly drain the womens energy.

Emotional burden dumping is a big one.

It's easy to be attracted to the guy when you live apart and he isnt dependant on you.

Then you move in together and slowly you realise you arent his gf, or wife, your his mother and/or psychologist.

Want your relationship to sustain? Get a therapist, learn emotional literacy, do the dishes and do your laundry.

I state this as a man who just had his 10th anniversary.

Shit ain't hard. Just put some fuckin emotional literacy podcast on as background noise when gaming, when driving, etc. Watch some youtube videos, etc.

Pick your fuckin socks up. Clean up after yourself. Talk about your feelings.

A woman doesn't want to fuck you if she just spent 4 hours cleaning up after your sorry ass.

PrsnPersuasion · 2020-02-23T00:37:14+00:00

Show us some statistics.

carlsberg24 · 2020-01-27T17:19:29+00:00

The difference is that men get attached to women (usually attracted by looks) irrespective of who they are in society whereas women are primarily attracted by a man's status. So if he loses status or perception thereof, there also goes the attachment. This is just rooted in biology, no one is to blame for it.

PapaPinyun · 2020-01-27T17:49:50+00:00

Where's this, "most women" claim from?

WicGoingAnonymous · 2020-01-27T19:05:41+00:00

I'd argue the opposite. If a relationship is build on being strongly attracted to each other, then it's more likely to end up in divorce.

Attraction fades. People grow old, fat, bald, wrinkly, pregnancy, illness, ...

If you have build your relationship on attraction, then your eyes start to wander the moment your partner isn't that attractive anymore.

NarniaFox · 2020-01-27T21:38:13+00:00

[deleted]

Title	Most women aren't “Strongly attracted” to their Boyfriend/Husband sexually, they’re just “Minimally attracted”.
Author	Redslif
Upvotes	178
Comments	315
Date	January 27, 2020 4:46 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/euqg96/most_women_arent_strongly_attracted_to_their/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/most-women-arent-strongly-attracted-to-their.315728 https://theredarchive.com/post/315728

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