Do men feel less guilty about dating autistic people compared to women?

LoopyPro · 2024-03-20T22:16:35+00:00

Two reasons:

Scarcity: Beggars can't be choosers. Lower standards.
Autism has a bigger negative impact on the things that make men attractive to women, while it doesn't have as much of a negative impact on the things that make women attractive to men.

New83659 · 2024-03-20T22:55:47+00:00

Just curious what degree of autism do you have? And how do you introduce your brother? As an autistic guy? I don't really see the point in telling people upfront unless it's completely obvious.

Someone I knew in the math department at my university I suspected may have been autistic, or just weird for a while. He later did tell me he has autism. But this guy in particular, I couldn't imagine any girl would reject him because they feel like it would be manipulative. They would just say "he's not my type."

ComfortableJeans · 2024-03-20T23:38:47+00:00

They don't feel guilty. They feel put off by certain symptoms of their condition, and feeling guilty is a sweeter lie than a bitter truth.

Autistic boys that are socially stunted past a certain line are almost completely fucked.

Past a certain position on the spectrum they're almost viewed as sexless beings.

UpbeatInsurance5358 · 2024-03-20T21:45:52+00:00

I'd imagine there's a lot more masking going on for women, meaning a lot of men don't actually know they're dating an autistic woman until they're in a relationship. Or of course, a large percentage of autistic women also don't know they are...

his_purple_majesty · 2024-03-20T22:23:19+00:00

I've tried setting him up with a couple of women but they react like they feel guilty about dating someone who is mentally/socially underdeveloped.

Probably just using that as an excuse and really they're just not attracted to him.

I can see that. But since it seems many more autistic women are in relationships with NT men, how come men do not seem to have a problem with that in comparison to women?

Because men aren't super fucking picky.

Like, no, I'm not going to date a Rain Man tier autistic woman, but I don't give a shit if she's just a little weird.

Novel-Tip-7570 · 2024-03-20T21:43:45+00:00

Autistic men tend to have worse delays and worse skills than their female counterparts. Idk if it's because of nature or nurture or whatever but I used to work at a treatment center and men were the more "severe cases" 95% of the time..

Literal_Jesus_ · 2024-03-20T22:47:17+00:00

ND women get manic pixie dreamgirled.

Autistic women are usually diagnosed much later in life and have been spending a lot of their lives masking to get by so they probably don’t struggle as much socially as their peers do.

Traits people traditionally associate with autism (not always)/the way they come off to NT are considered attractive when women have them but not necessarily men. For instance quirkiness, naïveté, intense passion, hyperfixations etc. (again these are stereotypes not necessarily accurate) aren’t dealbreakers for men but could be for a lot of women.

I think this also will drastically vary depending on the individual. Autism is a massive spectrum and it’s presentation varies from person to person. I dated someone on the spectrum for a while and had no idea until they told me

Solondthewookiee · 2024-03-20T22:23:24+00:00

I guess it would depend on their personality and development, but I haven't avoided dating autistic women out of guilt, but usually just out of incompatibility. I lived with a woman I strongly suspect was on the spectrum who confessed that she liked me, and while she was cute and friendly and very sweet, she would have driven me absolutely insane in a relationship (not to mention, don't date your roommate).

babazuki · 2024-03-20T22:51:58+00:00

People that are trying to take advantage of others feel guilty by just being with someone in a relationship.

If you have no ill intentions, what reason would you have to feel guilty about loving someone else?

AreOut · 2024-03-20T23:43:32+00:00

they don't feel guilty, they just don't want to downgrade their social status

Kim8mi · 2024-03-20T23:54:17+00:00

I'm a autistic woman who dates a NT men. I'd say that the most important reason is that autism presents differently in women.

Women are more socialized than men, they are exposed to social settings and expected to act socially since they're young kids, this leads them to learn how to "mask" in a way better way. This is the main reason to why we are less diagnosed and tend to have a late diagnose.
Women who act strange are normally not excluded from settings if they're conventionally attractive, there'll allways someone willing to interact with them.
Autism in woman shows up more in ways that aren't easily perceived by others, which doesn't create that immediate pushback that people get as soon as they meet someone and realize they act differently, most people will only notice differently traits when they're already friends/in a relationship with the woman

Zombombaby · 2024-03-21T01:23:21+00:00

Society infatlizies men, more so when they're diagnosed with a disability. It's a disservice to everyone when you expect autistic women to be more mature but autistic men tend to be treated like children. It creates a stigma that autistic men aren't going to be good partners as a result.

It's basically the backlash of weaponized incompetence.

MongoBobalossus · 2024-03-20T21:22:36+00:00

Are there stats that support that more men date autistic women than women dating autistic men?

AaViOnBando · 2024-03-21T00:29:39+00:00

My mother's "husband" (not married yet) has a form of autism, and while there as some social expects he is kind of extreme with, for example jealousy, he is also extremely handy, working, ambitious, funny and willing to teach others

So even tho combined with my mom's already existing, and passed on to me, pettiness and slight anger issues that sometimes end up in quiete the loud ass fight, she says the pros outweigh the cons.

She barely ever mentions that she is dating a person with autism because for the most part it does not seem like she is dating someone who is socially underdeveloped. Again, slight fixation on infidelity but my only guess is that his previous wife cheated on him since my mother has not, and trust me, i always knew when or if she would.

antariusz · 2024-03-21T01:35:45+00:00

I can tell you this much.

Do NOT EVER tell a woman that you think you're autistic or if you've been diagnosed. EVER. If you actually want to set up your brother, DO NOT EVER USE THAT TERM AGAIN. If you want to describe him You can talk about anything else, but let women draw their own conclusions.

You can be cold/distant, and aloof and emotionless and passionate about your hobbies and they will think it's great. But if you use the term autistic, their vaginas will literally shrivel up and die when they think about you.

I've ran into a few autistic women over the years, it's pretty rare, but mostly it's nice because you can actually get direct communication and not coached answers like with NT people.

If youre ASD and you actually start researching dating and what attraction triggers for women are and how to be more dark-triad, you absolutely can have good luck in dating, both in casual relationships as well as serious relationships. Like MOST ASD you're also willing to ignore social-norms too to achieve success (as you define it), so some things that NT people wouldn't consider, become open to you.

krmaml · 2024-03-20T22:14:30+00:00

Men are less judgmental about flaws

Konoha_Shinobee · 2024-03-20T22:12:21+00:00

they feel guilty about dating someone who is mentally/socially underdeveloped.

They're lying, it just turns them off. They don't feel guilty

Tokimonatakanimekat · 2024-03-20T23:00:28+00:00

Autism doesn't impact women that much in dating because it doesn't affect most things that men value in women, and mating behavior for women is a mix between passive and reactive, so being autistic doesn't mess up much in that department. For males who have to be assertive and proactive all the time inability to read subtle emotional baits of women due to autism is debilitating condition in terms of romance.

Autism in women may even be net positive from male perspective. Assuming autistic woman is smart and doesn't look bad - there are few downsides against a huge benefit of her having no social life to cheat on you with and I am assuming way less of that classic feminine behavioral bullshit colloquially known as "woman moments".

She may be weird when expressing her emotions, but I'd gladly take that over natural elusiveness, manipulativeness and shit tests of NT women.

Nihi1986 · 2024-03-21T00:16:31+00:00

The issues didn't become apparent enough to me until I started dating an autistic woman, and wasn't really much different from dating supposedly neurotypical women though certainly harder.

The reason you see more autistic women in relationships have been explained herena gazillion times: women have a much easier time finding a man(although not necessarily the partner they want). The autistic guy has to offer something else than just sex and companionship. Supply and demand too.

McSwiggyWiggles · 2024-03-21T00:55:41+00:00

Okay fine I’m a dx’d autistic guy, between level 2 and 1. I’m 25, I’ll just keep it real with you. Every single autistic person is different from the next one. Anyone who makes any kind of generalizations about an autistic person after they find out, or uses it as a reason to back off, is probably misguided or discriminatory at best.

As an autistic person, it’s your job and your right to redefine what autism looks like in the context of your relationships with people. You could be very good looking and just have some social and sensory trouble, but very smart. (Random example) Any person who wouldn’t date you just because “autism” is a total piece of shit.

People should get to know you before they just say “Oh, autistic, not interacting with them any further.” I mean come on, that is horrible.

So to answer your question, maybe only a little. Not as much as you’re trying to make it out to be. I have talked to enough women to know women just treat me like everyone else, even after I say I’m autistic. Do you know why? Because that is STANDARD, HUMAN DECENCY. And like I said, the people who have an issue with it, it says a-lot more about those people than about the autistic person. So people that don’t like it, don’t get kept around.

I mentioned I was between level 1-2. Most people can figure it out in the first or second conversation with me. But you know what? I make up for it with my personality and kindness (and I guess looks).

So yeah, it’s not that women feel guilty, those are just the wrong kind of women for you, just like there are the wrong kind of guys for certain girls.

Instead of having this useless conversation about which gender finds it more acceptable to date people who are literally born with something beyond their control, why don’t you get off your ass, put yourself out there, teach people what autism looks like in YOU, and start changing the narrative for society to understand and respect autistic people more, so that wouldn’t happen in the first place?

But no, let’s just have a pity party and play oppression olympics on Reddit. I’ve got news for you, a lot of autistic people have way more to deal with in life besides “getting laid”

Unagotitadelluvia · 2024-03-21T07:25:40+00:00

I don't know, I used to have a big crush on an autistic guy years ago. He lent me a Nirvana cd and we talked about it, and just last year I realized that was probably his way to flirt with me.

I'm neurodivergent too, though, just not autistic. Maybe that's why it's not a big issue imo.

ColbyXXXX · 2024-03-21T11:04:53+00:00

I love autistic women. I am autistic myself and me and autistic women always make great friends. I had an autistic gf in middle school I didn’t know I was autistic as well at that time but she was diagnosed. We hung out constantly everyday but unfortunately she passed away suddenly and I never dated again until my 20s.

Pathosgrim · 2024-03-21T11:17:11+00:00

Since Women like deflecting to "muh masking" who is more at risk of jeopardizing their relationship if they were to admit to being autistic? Men or Women?

abaxeron · 2024-03-21T18:23:15+00:00

There are more men than women until roughly age 40. There's like 105 boys born for 100 girls. Which means that at least for men diagnosed with autism, women can literally exclude them all from their dating pool and still have abundance of choice.

Pathosgrim · 2024-03-20T21:42:24+00:00

Men are less judgmental.

Over_North8884 · 2024-03-21T00:34:55+00:00

It's only a sample of one, but the one woman I met who was almost certainly autistic (she spent 10 minutes obsessing over the lip over her coffee cup) was deathly terrified of physical intimacy and ultimately admitted she wanted a virtual-only boyfriend who still promised to never have sex with anyone else. She was a 33-year-old virgin. She said texting could provide all the emotional connection she requires. I couldn't get out of the coffee shop fast enough and unmatched immediately.

She was cute though. If I could have finagled some sex out of her I would have had no regrets.

CloudsTasteGeometric · 2024-03-20T23:01:30+00:00

The fact that someone would feel "guilty" for dating someone who is neurodivergent strikes me as highly problematic.

They aren't "underdeveloped" or "flawed," mentally. They're just different.

The stigma is real, though, and I know it all too well. The real reason fewer women date autistic men than vice versa is because autistic people struggle with approaching and flirting, and women by and large aren't responsible for making the first move and can get away with seeming awkward provided that they'd cute.

For guys being socially adept is key and tougher to work around.

noafrochamplusamurai · 2024-03-20T22:05:35+00:00

Here's the perverse part of that equation. Women still very much want dominant men. Depending on where you fall on the spectrum. That's going to eliminate vast portions of men. Society doesn't have that expectation of women. Coupled with benevolent sexism, those same traits will be seen as quirky in women.

This is also highly dependent on the man. I don't think most men would date an autistic woman. I remember watching Love on the Spectrum. It gave me a very visceral reaction, none of those people should be dating. If I encountered any of those women, after a brief conversation I would mentally check the box labeled " Diminished capacity, lacking the ability to affirm consent" I would immediately judge a NT guy as a rapist if he had sex with her.

wtknight · 2024-03-20T22:47:15+00:00

I don't think that most normie men want to date someone who is socially underdeveloped. They likely have less of an issue having sex with a woman like this than women do, though.

drizzo6 · 2024-03-21T03:07:03+00:00

As an almost thirty year old women who is discovering that I am likely autistic I can offer a perspective from myself and two other women my age. One was just diagnosed autistic, the other since childhood, I do not have health insurance nor do I have the funds to get a proper diagnosis rn but everything lines up.

Being all three of us are attractive, relatively intelligent and high functioning it seems the general situation is usually that people think we are more like quirky or socially awkward than high to some men is endearing.

As someone else pointed out, autism is a spectrum which means not everyone is going to have the same symptoms, severity, stims, etc. It really depends on where you are on the spectrum and if the ASD is comorbid with low IQ and/or other comorbidities. In addition, the level of intervention and therapy provided, as well as what and how symptoms present.

For example, Lady A. who has minimal noticeable stimming, behavioral outbursts, masks well, and has been through therapy to understand their symptoms and navigate life, is going to be more well received and have less social issues.

However, Lady B may have more severe symptoms, less ability to mask, more outbursts, and perhaps has a very noticeable stim. You know, like you’d see them at super market and be a little put off. She’s not going to have such an easy time.

I think when it comes to men the difference is in early socialization and social gender differences. Where young girls are usually socialized strictly and taught to follow many social rules about how women should behave, boys are typically given a lot of slack and behavior is usually shrugged off as “boys will be boys”. This creates an issue where autistic girls fit the mold more, and autistic boys end up not learning to mask as well or were not always specifically told the rules of socialization. They end up forming a lot of bad social habits that make them stand out, or just were never told certain social rules and where other boys would catch on naturally, an autistic boy would not. Where again, women are told how to sit, when to speak, how to dress, manners more enforced, etc

Muscletov · 2024-03-21T09:55:23+00:00

It's a combination of both: autistic women are better at masking their condition and men are much more forgiving in general.

but they react like they feel guilty about dating someone who is mentally/socially underdeveloped.

That's bullshit, they don't feel "guilty", they feel turned off.

AstronautExisting230 · 2024-03-20T21:27:19+00:00

Nah I would never date an autistic woman personally, but I have nothing against them. Granted, I would never date a woman that identified herself as a communist, fascist, anti-feminist, or conservative, so my standards might be different from the majority.

Elysium_Rayne · 2024-03-20T21:44:27+00:00

You think

If she down I'm down

is just a meme?

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2024-03-20T21:23:51+00:00

because men dont give a shit as long as theres pussy

harmonica2 · 2024-03-21T00:43:05+00:00

Thanks for the input everyone! So it seems that a few of the answers say it's because women are better at masking. So if autistic guys get better at masking, would that help them quite significantly therefore?

GGMcThroway · 2024-03-20T22:12:44+00:00

"Every hole is a goal."

Kitchen-Floor7443 · 2024-03-21T08:02:25+00:00

Women are hardwired to breed with genetically superior men and weed out genetically unfit men. Men with autism are by definition unfit for reproduction.

Men on the other hand are hardwired to spread their seed far and wide with as many women as possible. Men generally don't care if a woman is neurodivergent, unless it's severe.

DeadNWalkN · 2024-03-20T21:51:14+00:00

Women don’t feel guilt about taking advantage of men autistic or not. Lol

AFuzzyMuffin · 2024-03-20T22:16:57+00:00

Because it's hidden. Autistic women tend to be much better at masking and thinking its normal, but they are extremely prone to meltdowns and hyper toxicity within their relationships so it's not worth it behind closed doors unless the NT male can bridge the gap which is hard as FUCK for NTs

Independent-Mail-227 · 2024-03-20T23:11:45+00:00

I'm autistic and my brother is as well. I've tried setting him up with a couple of women but they react like they feel guilty about dating someone who is mentally/socially underdeveloped.

Nah they're just lying so they can jsut send the message of "don't pair me with this weirdo" while also keeping the facade of angelical being.

The reason why autistc women are in relationships is because women don't have the burden to perform and men evaluate looks in a bell curve. The number of men that are top 20% in looks while also autsitic is too low.

Minimum_Compote_3116 · 2024-03-21T09:47:59+00:00

Men are not picky

Fast-Event6379 · 2024-03-21T14:52:02+00:00

Autism is an automatic nope for me. So is Bipolar, so is alcoholism, so is drug addiction / use in your 30's - dating is a personal decision. Ask for exactly what you want so you don't build a life you objectively hate.

BCRE8TVE · 2024-03-21T17:55:52+00:00

Women don't feel guilty about not dating autistic men.

They feel the ick and don't want to.

It's literally that simple.

Men generally don't have that "ick" that can instantly turn off a person for basically random and arbitrary reasons, and men can tolerate more bullshit from women than women can tolerate from men.

Plus having an autistic girlfriend is likely a bonus since she won't be trying to play 3d chess mind games and expecting you to read her mind, she's more likely to be upfront and communicate responsibly like an adult.

Men do not have this problem in comparison to women because most men don't have incredibly high standards that exclude 95% of the other gender.

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H8beingmale · 2024-03-21T00:39:29+00:00

reminds me of a mindest i've had for years now regarding this

Substantial_Video560 · 2024-03-21T09:39:30+00:00

I don't date or do relationships so have nothing to feel guilty about. As a care worker however I support a lot of people with autism.

Savings_Builder_8449 · 2024-03-21T16:35:12+00:00

Autistic women are more likely to be interested in male type interests like video games and less likely to be some awful extrovert who wants to go out all the time. Those are both positives.

Adventurous_Bet_1272 · 2024-03-21T01:27:47+00:00

Why feel guilty when you don't have a choice?

Admirable-Ratio-5748 · 2024-03-21T08:37:46+00:00

you just proved the red pill/black pill in a nutshell

Obtainable20 · 2024-03-20T23:02:20+00:00

They don't. I'm on the spectrum. I haven't had a single woman change her tune after I disclosed it. I think they're looking for an out and found it.

Literal_Jesus_ · 2024-03-21T02:53:18+00:00

OP is he really struggling socially like does he have friends outside of romantic attachments?

Title	Do men feel less guilty about dating autistic people compared to women?
Author	harmonica2
Upvotes	48
Comments	288
Date	March 20, 2024 9:20 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1bjorvu/do_men_feel_less_guilty_about_dating_autistic/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/do-men-feel-less-guilty-about-dating-autistic.1513145 https://theredarchive.com/post/1513145

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