Why do some women want an equal relationship but a dominating man in bed?

250umdfail · 2022-10-01T04:29:49+00:00

I think I'm experienced enough to answer this question. Yes bdsm, rape fantasies, and degradation is surprisingly popular among women (at least the ones I've dated). But it really doesn't come from a place of humiliation, submission, or masochism.

It rather stems from a desire for extreme validation. She likes calling her partner daddy, because she loves the idea of a protective, and overly doting partner. She harbors rape fantasies, not because she enjoys the violation, rather likes the idea of being irresistible to the point her partner can't control his impulses.

To give you an example, in my anecdotal experience, the majority of my dates wouldn't be comfortable with being called a slut in general. But they're surprisingly okay with being called, my personal cum slut, or something to that effect. They hate being objectified, but absolutely love being the object of desire.

Mental health, and past trauma has very little to do with kinks, or fantasies, in my experience. But it does have a big role in her setting personal boundaries, and establishing consent above all else.

peppapigoink95 · 2022-10-01T07:00:56+00:00

I imagine you'll get different answers based on every woman. Not all women are into the stuff you listed. Plenty of guys are into the stuff you listed. I've often been the more vanilla one, dating men who wanted to do all sorts of stuff in bed that I was not comfortable with, that made me wonder if they hated women. I think it's just society today. I read somewhere that every twenty years or so, the generation of the day rediscovers BDSM and thinks they invented it. Maybe that's true, maybe not. But I think a lot of people just have sex in whatever way they think makes them seem cool, open minded, exciting, and makes them feel alive. In short, some people get desensitized by vanilla stuff. Some people are drawn to what they see as taboo. And some go through phases of trying stuff out, like how some teens will change their identity and personality and look for a while. I see no reason for why people wouldn't go through a "scene phase," but in their sex life, while they're figuring themselves out.

Ok_Razzmatazz_1751 · 2022-10-01T04:06:33+00:00

It's 2 separate arenas ? Paying bills and having your own finances is a way different subject from having your back blown out by a strong assertive guy.

RocinanteCoffee · 2022-10-01T04:57:46+00:00

That's like asking why someone who likes to be spanked in bed isn't into being domestically abused.

Feisty-Saturn · 2022-10-01T04:37:53+00:00

What you do in the bedroom has nothing to do with how your operate in real life. Why do some men want to be dominating in the bedroom but then be a lazy bum outside of it?

KikiYuyu · 2022-10-01T04:02:29+00:00

It's consensual, they can put a stop to it the moment they become uncomfortable.

People enjoy horror movies or going to haunted houses, even though they wouldn't actually want to be in that situation irl.

poppy_blu · 2022-10-01T08:40:34+00:00

Probably the same reason some men want a sexually inexperienced woman who also somehow fucks like a porn star for him.

Sex isn’t a value or a political act.

GridReXX · 2022-10-01T08:19:30+00:00

Makes sense. They’re getting what they want in the bedroom scenario. Pleasure or whatever.

But being submissive all throughout and having to ask for an allowance and default washing dishes and serving plates isn’t rewarding.

That behavior is just less rewarding outside of the bedroom. Being the maid domestic and subordinate isn’t rewarding.

If you want women who aren’t already willingly choosing that lifestyle to choose it, make it rewarding for her. Pretty simple. Life is incentives.

Novadina · 2022-10-01T05:28:59+00:00

It’s adult playtime, just like playing “make believe” (or “cops and robbers”, etc) as a kid. It’s fun and feels good.

It is loving to help my partner get off with his kinks and he loves me so helps me get off with mine, and some we share.

gastongang · 2022-10-01T04:01:09+00:00

sexy time is different from real life

AidsVictim · 2022-10-01T04:41:37+00:00

Because it makes them horny

Crafty_Letter_1719 · 2022-10-01T12:20:19+00:00

Because primal sexual attraction is not dictated by social mores. It’s the same reason almost all Woman are attracted to tall men over short men despite tallness no longer holding any real utility in a post industrial egalitarian society. Woman are sexually attracted to dominance because for the vast majority of human history dominant Men provided for and protected Woman. The more dominant and powerful( both physically and in terms of status) a Man the more capable he is of providing protection and resources. It’s not difficult to extrapolate this notion into the realms of the bedroom. A Woman doesn’t want to be abused or dominated in real life but many are aroused by the thought that their Man “could” do so if he wanted to as it means he is powerful-and therefore has the power to protect her. It’s both warped and logical at the same time.

Salt_Mathematician24 · 2022-10-01T12:31:53+00:00

The fetishes you have as adults are typically internalized experiences and observations you experience in your formative years.

A study was done that found children that were hit by their parents growing up were more likely to develop masochistic tendences because they internalized the idea of it being associated with love by their unconscious mind, even if their conscious one was vehemently against it.

It's probably a similar thing.

DokiMin · 2022-10-01T18:54:06+00:00

As man I hate it when women are submissive in bed I especially hate it if they they call me daddy it's a major turn off and makes be super uncomfortable idk how othen men feel

Diamond-Breath · 2022-10-01T11:48:09+00:00

I'll probably get flamed for this but coming from a woman, deep inside most women like the idea of a traditional man even if they say they don't. Just look at all the romance novels written by women. What woman wouldn't want a protective, confident man that pays all the bills and takes care of them in every sense of the word? So I believe those degrading kinks are a way to get their fill of their own desire to be dominated since society has moved to a more egalitarian path.

bunnakay · 2022-10-01T13:40:02+00:00

Why do some men want a submissive virgin woman but expect her to rock his world like a porn star when they have sex? Two completely different areas of life

januaryphilosopher · 2022-10-01T09:37:07+00:00

Because they have a kink. They find it hot to pretend their relationship isn't equal, but obviously want to have equal if not more power in setting the rules behind that pretending. I'd never want to participate in kink outside of physical intimacy because the only reason I do it is because I find it hot. Sometimes, kinks come from trauma or societal conditioning. Other times, there's no clear cause. So long as everyone is enjoying themselves in a healthy way and nobody gets hurt (or risks it), it doesn't really matter. The same act can be called kinky by one person and passionate by another, so it's unclear where you'd even draw the line of "vanilla enough to be healthy".

Final_Philosopher663 · 2022-10-01T11:22:52+00:00

Tbh rough sex in bed when you are intimate with your partner is an form of security (and a test).

Security because you lower your inhibitions and accept many more things that you would BUT you have trust in your partner that he won't go overboard.

It is a test as well because you don't give directions about what you want, you let them explore and test your boundaries and what you like. So it is a "test" for the "dominant" partner as to how much my partner knows what I want.

Edit: For extreme situations I really believe there is some trauma involved. There is always a "healthy limit" for these kinds of stuff.

Flightlessbirbz · 2022-10-01T15:24:33+00:00

Same reasons some men want to be dominated in bed but not irl? It can be complex to figure out exactly why people have the kinks they do, it sometimes stems from some kind of trauma or early experience. Brains are weird.

That being said, I think for the first time, we are seeing a lot of teen girls and young women having certain “kinks” just because they think they are supposed to, due to porn and men’s expectations from porn. I know I used to say I was “submissive” when I first became sexually active, just because I thought that was expected of me. Then one day I realized I was not, being submissive did nothing for me.

YveisGrey · 2022-10-01T15:40:37+00:00

There are men who are in very dominant positions who like being subs in the bedroom. So I don’t really see the contradiction I think what people like sexually is not necessarily related to their overall lifestyle outside of the bedroom.

Commentingtime · 2022-10-01T18:55:40+00:00

Lots of women just want healthy, passionate sex. Some will want all the kinky stuff, but I don't know any of my friends who like it. I think porn is definitely a huge influence.

Academic_Snow_7680 · 2022-10-01T08:45:27+00:00

I don't know why you're conflating the two.

And I don't know why you imagine yourself that this is something many women want.

Ed. It honestly sounds like you've been watching too much porn and think it is real life. It isn't.

HeartCatchHana · 2022-10-01T04:14:01+00:00

Cause it's a game

gastongang · 2022-10-01T07:48:21+00:00

Taboo is sexy. Growing up around the idea of male headship created my filthy inner dominatrix.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2022-10-01T04:07:37+00:00

Because people have kinks and that fine.

I’m a also not just women, my husband has kinks that are not thinks he want in real like too

warramite · 2022-10-01T16:48:45+00:00

Women don't in fact want an equal relationship, they just say that cause its politically correct.. really women want the man to handle almost everything

There's a reason why men typically approach, initiate, maintain and develop the relationship as well as the attraction

Even in bed, its the man who's expected to do most of the work.. if a man is unable to do any of the above, he is considered a dreg of society

Would a healthy woman just want loving passion?

I think healthy women also have those fantasies... most women want to be dominated and made to submit but obviously only by a man they've deemed High Value

If he is a HVM he can do pretty much anything he wants, which is the attitude they like

medlabunicorn · 2022-10-01T09:59:05+00:00

50 shades of Grey sold the best in conservative states. It’s how tradcon women, or women raise din tradcon homes even if they’re no longer tradcons, are raised to understand romance.

washington_breadstix · 2022-10-01T09:59:24+00:00

Because isn't sex basically people's way of "compartmentalizing" the things that they find sexy about the opposite sex but that can't really be acted upon outside of that compartmentalized place?

In other words, of course a woman doesn't want a man who actually overpowers her, but she wants to be reminded that he could overpower her if he wanted to.

Specialist-Action-33 · 2022-10-01T05:24:51+00:00

Sex is something where equal roles are different than a ltr outside of sex. Unless pegging is involved, most women would rather have a man who takes on a masculine role being in control as it can be a turn on for her rather than her taking control. Weak minded men can be a turn off.

sebwiers · 2022-10-01T07:08:17+00:00

My personal experience over 30 years of such relationships is... it varies, and doesn't matter WHY as long as you get the "how"right and there's a strong communication of enthusiastic consent on both sides.

What does matter is what the dominant partner brings / provides - that's the payoff right? And in my case I'm good at providing an intense animalistic energy that makes my partner feel desired and a mental release of guilt / inhibitions by being "unable to resist" or "forced to do it".

The whole pain / masochism side is (that I can tell) largely biochemical, but learned reactions and psychodrama also play a role.

Emet22 · 2022-10-01T13:39:42+00:00

A woman doesn't want an equal relationship at the core. She's just educated by popular society to want an equal relationship.

revente · 2022-10-01T11:54:21+00:00

Do these come from trauma? Do they like it because they saw it in movies, porn? Did their first partner behave rough with them and now they associate pain with pleasure?

Would a healthy woman just want loving passion?

It's just how humans are constructed.

Mammalian sex is usually rough.

In most species, females only have sex with the biggest, most brutal males just after they physically dominated other suitors.

It's the 'loving passion' that's a relatively new and unproven cultural construct.

Teflon08191 · 2022-10-01T05:04:50+00:00

They don't want an equal relationship. It's just 'trendy' to say that they do. They'll explain away all of the inconsistencies in their views all the way down to why they expect him to never leave the toilet seat up but the reality will always be that they want to be treated like a woman, not like an equal.

squeamish · 2022-10-01T15:35:43+00:00

For the same reason some men want an equal relationship but a dominating woman in bed: Because that's what they like.

That's like asking why some people like blondes or bis asses.

ReferenceImpossible2 · 2022-10-01T13:55:51+00:00

Laziness. They want the man to do everything for them. Inside AND outside of the bedroom

WilliamWyattD · 2022-10-01T04:37:30+00:00

There isn't really a contradiction here. Even in the type of egalitarian relationship most women really want there is a bit of a gender asymmetry, with an aspect of male leadership/dominance. But that doesn't mean women want their men to be tyrannical dictators of the relationship either; but they are hypergamous along many dimensions.

Conscious_Ad_6572 · 2022-10-01T15:29:06+00:00

Because all women want to be dominated,

minimum do it in bed bro

hostility_kitty · 2022-10-01T18:43:31+00:00

Most women who want to be degraded like that in bed have at least one mental disorder (depression, anxiety, BPD, bipolar, etc). No matter how you try to argue against this, try having casual sex with these kinds of women and you will quickly discover their mental health problem(s). I have plenty of anecdotal experience and it’s so incredibly sad that women do these self-destructive behaviors to themselves.

dbz19_kai · 2022-10-01T10:00:02+00:00

Sex brings out the hardcore uber traditional gender roles in everyone. Like, how many women don’t want a baby right now but are really turned on by the idea of being impregnated?

Ultimately men want to be masculine and want feminine women whereas women want to be feminine and want masculine men

throwaway164_3 · 2022-10-01T14:56:23+00:00

As always, the answer is evolutionary biology and sexual selection.

Det_Steve_Sloan · 2022-10-01T09:57:30+00:00

Why do some women want an equal relationship

Because women are more susceptible to propaganda, which in the west currently dictates 'muh equality'. Lust, even for women, overrides indoctrination. So that's when their real desires come out.

When the west returns to convervatism and the nuclear family is once again 'en vogue', women will once again want to be dominated in the kitchen too. It just depends on what comes down the pipe, because women are weaker and stick to herd instruction more easily.

missionarymechanic · 2022-10-01T13:38:15+00:00

Humans are multi-faceted and are not fulfilled by any single emotional/behavioral state.

Women will generally respond well to a guy who is dominant outside of the bedroom, too. (Or at least have an answer other than, "I dunno. Whatever you wanna do is fine.") But they would respond even better in both arenas when said man is highly considerate of her. It's all in the very subtle framing of things.

It is entirely possible to ebb and flow between two traits; cycling to the point of blending two together. I was once informed that I "...have the most perfect blend of passion and tenderness" in my kisses and that she couldn't "wrap her mind around it." She couldn't figure out how I could be both.

Be dynamic and well-rounded. Quit thinking the world is black and white.

downvotesanimals · 2022-10-01T15:05:19+00:00

This is a big world. You'll fine someone to fit just about any category.

oroszakos · 2022-10-01T20:01:49+00:00

It is ironic that women blame porn for making men more rough when it comes to sex but it is these same women who expect men to act like that. Pathetic.

billsull_02842 · 2022-10-01T21:57:22+00:00

because they really want men to do all the work in bed and out of bed?

unloader72 · 2022-10-01T06:54:10+00:00

They have to satisfy hypergamy somehow.

ZealousidealAd7191 · 2022-10-01T03:59:37+00:00

…because they are confused

Choice_Ad_6230 · 2022-10-01T13:46:23+00:00

confusion

CompleteRetard69 · 2022-10-01T15:46:00+00:00

They don’t really want an equal relationship.

boomershack · 2022-10-01T16:26:22+00:00

They are stuck in a state of permanent cognitive dissonance. Most take brain altering drugs like antidepressants to deal with this.

plycuda71 · 2022-10-01T04:39:01+00:00

Privitive urges basically. I don't think there's really much more to it. But dismissing these as just kinks is also pretty stupid. Some of them are kinda fucked and deserve to be called out.

purplish_possum · 2022-10-01T10:20:26+00:00

loving passion?

Sounds boring!

Fucking your dirty little slut hard >>> making slow passionate love.

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SmoOoothModerator · 2022-10-01T10:45:54+00:00

Because they are different activities. People have different preferences for different things.

PMmeareasontolive · 2022-10-01T15:19:21+00:00

People want to escape themselves. In some relationships they may want to be radically accepted when they aren't portraying their everyday normal persona. It's not that you become a "thing" in totality. But you feel you are accepted (which is often experienced as ultimately being safe even though you are being very vulnerable) at a level where you aren't performing your personality (even tho you are performing this other role). That's a ritual form of radical acceptance if your partner accepts you this other way. Think of it as analogous to those "trust falls" people used to do at work retreats (until some people actually fell).

Or it's just a way to get out of your head for a little while.

PassMyGuard · 2022-10-01T16:58:13+00:00

I think some people just get sexually turned on by stuff like that. Just like some dudes like feet.

To be clear - not all, or even most girls want hardcore domination like that. I do think most women like the man to take the lead, though.

ghost_luck · 2022-10-01T17:40:15+00:00

I'm not a women but I thought I might as well add my own opinion.

Even though I agree with all the things people are saying that I'm pretty sure took them a whole day to write, I honestly think that sometimes it's just because people are like, REALLY horny.

prettymuchredpilled · 2022-10-01T19:25:20+00:00

Because we're animals and society is built upon layers of contradictions. Many men say they want a life partner but a lot of them truly want a harem of young women. Women say they want a kind sensitive man but often times they'll throw it back for a dominant rude boy. Our brains are composed of both "lower" and "higher" parts after all.

You have to remember that for like 99% of human history we were Stone Age hunter-gatherers during a time where morality essentially did not really exist on a large scale. Our brains are still operating on that same hardware.

InfamousBake1859 · 2022-10-02T00:45:55+00:00

Different people want different things in bed. So what? Some guys like a dominating or submissive women in bed yet expects her to contribute equal financially and probably more than equal in housework. Who cares.

Unhappy-Slice-5098 · 2022-10-02T04:01:57+00:00

It's some weird internalized gender roles which I'm sure have some biological evidence somewhere but I don't subscribe to evopsych theories much since they can't be proven with substantial evidence. That aside, I feel the opposite way. I'd rather dominate in a relationship. But I don't mind it being spread out equally. I don't hang out there but I'm glad subs like /r/rolereversal exist

Scarypaperplates · 2022-10-03T01:19:54+00:00

Im going to say its overblown. In the media this idea is highly circulated but I really doubt its a common among women as its made out to be.

Title	Why do some women want an equal relationship but a dominating man in bed?
Author	chancetolive
Upvotes	105
Comments	205
Date	October 1, 2022 3:47 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/xsl86y/why_do_some_women_want_an_equal_relationship_but/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-do-some-women-want-an-equal-relationship-but-a.1133273 https://theredarchive.com/post/1133273

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