If you don't have a big social circle, are you basically fucked when it comes to dating?

Notanothrshitthrow · 2023-11-22T13:56:05+00:00

You're not fucked but I do think it's a hindrance.

Women generally are sus of men with few friends and a lacking social life, plus having a good social network is beneficial to meeting women.

SolidusMonkey · 2023-11-22T13:34:10+00:00

If you're a woman, no. If you're a man, yes. Simple as.

revonssvp · 2023-11-22T13:26:16+00:00

I think I'm at the limit. I could go out more in some social circles but I'm too mentally tired to make a lot of efforts. So I have less and less opportunities. The true is I find tiring to make efforts to go out for nothing.

zoxzoxzo · 2023-11-22T14:04:50+00:00

If you don't have a big social circle, are you basically fucked when it comes to dating?

If you are a woman, no.

If you are a man, depends.
Are you attractive? If yes, then you are not fucked because you can score on dating apps and a small social circle will not limit you from finding a partner somewhere.
If you are average or below, then you are fucked.
What's sad is that as we get older, it gets more difficult to make new friends and keep the old ones, so don't waste time and go and socialize as much as you can.

Gravel_Roads · 2023-11-22T14:37:35+00:00

I pretty much only leave the house to go to class, my part-time job, the gym, or to run errands.

It's not your lack of friends that is fucking you over so much as this: You're not doing anything social at all.

The two main reasons people advocate to having a social group to improve dating odds are:

1.) It increases the number of people who like you, already see good in you, and see you as a fun person to introduce to OTHER people, and vouch for you as being solid... But this requires you to be a fun person who people WANT to introduce to others.

2.) It gives you more people to practice socializing with, so you can perfect your sense of what is fun and positive socially, and also it makes a safe place to see what behaviors maybe DON'T work, around people who are more likely to forgive and explain why. BUT this requires you to actually be receptive, open and trying to socialize.

Having a social group dwindle as people move on and find other things to do is natural, it sucks sometimes, but it's just what happens over time. You have to be going out and meeting new people and inviting them into the group.

Luckily, it's never too late! I've traveled around a lot as a kid, so I've had to "re-establish a new friend group" at least half a dozen times, and it does get easier with practice - I usually start with coworkers I get along with, invite them to a movie, or a baseball game or a music fest or whatever you both mutually might enjoy.

Who knows, you often can even get lucky and be invited into THEIR group, if you get along well enough, then you'll double your social circle.

But even if not, you at least have one more person. Rinse and repeat a few times, and you'll be surprised how many people are all sitting around waiting for someone ELSE to plan something fun to do.

After all, up to this point, that sounds like what YOU'RE doing, as well.

Independent-Mail-227 · 2023-11-22T14:58:34+00:00

As a man yes, but not because you would't find women. Women abhor men without a social circle because it make him seem as not desirable.

Realistic-Ad-1023 · 2023-11-22T14:29:26+00:00

No. I think tinder still exists. I met my formerly red pill fiancé on tinder. I’m the forward one who approached and moved things along initially.

But I have zero friends. Like I’m autistic, literally not as a joke. I’m socially, entirely inept. I’m pretty enough, smart enough and can hold a conversation but I just hate social situations. It drains me to mask for so long. But I found an app called meetup where I can go to trivia night or bowling with other local singles (well now I go for friends not single people but same mechanics) and all of them are just as anxious as I am. They come alone or with a friend and want you to strike up a conversation. If they’re not into it, whatever. Go to have fun and meet people maybe make a friend or two and enjoy. If you meet someone awesome. But also make sure you have hobbies and things to talk about that aren’t complaining or just your hyper focus. Try to be cognizant in initial meet ups. Ask more questions than you answer. Gauge interest by someone being as invested in the conversation. And smell nice and wear something you feel good in. I know this is probably a privilege of living near a city with suburbs around tho. But if you do, it’s worth a shot.

mlo9109 · 2023-11-22T15:27:02+00:00

Yes, but also I'd add on, if you don't live in a largely populated area. I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere. Most people here married their high school or college sweetheart. We're a college town, but folks leave after graduation, maybe coming back to raise kids or retire.

The nearest major city to me is 4 hours away. I know I'd have better luck in dating if I moved there (or to another bigger city). Problem is, it's expensive and I feel like moving just for more dating options is a stupid reason to move.

Swordfromthecement · 2023-11-22T14:30:09+00:00

As much as I hate it, networking is important in all aspects of life. You’ll probably find someone, but it will be harder than meeting someone through your social circle or hobbies that put you around like minded people.

If you’re average looking the best thing you can do is become known in a community around something. You don’t have to be the best, you don’t have to be best friends but people should know who you are.

“How is someone going to date you if they don’t know you exist?”

antutroll · 2023-11-22T14:13:37+00:00

I have a large social circle but still that didn't help me with dating cause I am probably the least attractive person in the group ( most are white and black , 6ft+ and I'm 5'9 Indian ) but ironically I did well without them by going out solo and being myself rather than relying on my social circle

wtknight · 2023-11-22T15:23:48+00:00

No, you’re not fucked, but you need to know how to meet women who don’t have big social circles themselves and to develop a strategy how to go about it.

Not every woman has a big social circle, but the ones who do will usually expect decent social skills from a man.

Does anyone have any introvert/small social circle dating success stories?

I’ve met everyone I’ve ever dated online. All of them were hardcore introverts and none of them had impressive social circles.

gabrielsvg91 · 2023-11-22T13:45:42+00:00

Amiskon2 · 2023-11-22T14:32:39+00:00

Yes, this is precisely why most autistic men don't ever get married, but autistic women are mostly OK unless they never leave house and never join dating apps.

Still, I don't remember people ever inviting me to things, so I don't blame myself for being born with a dull personality. I also had no friends to find a feedback to improve, which means there is a blind spot.

If you accept it is not your fault, it becomes more tolerable, like accepting you were born color blind.

profstarship · 2023-11-22T14:03:57+00:00

Extroverts have more success in dating because they talk to more people, and this means they also have more friends. Correlation does not mean causation. Sometimes just seeming open and available is enough.

Head-Language-2977 · 2023-11-22T15:59:55+00:00

I believe there’s an alternative for those without big social circles… get some hobbies out of the house. I don’t think it’s a lack of friends that dooms introverts, I think it’s being boring that dooms introverts.

rickygrimezz · 2023-11-22T18:24:01+00:00

No, not necessarily... but you better have yourself put together as a man if you're rolling solo. You better have your shit together in every way. And, you better have some pretty slick sociability. Your looks better be on point.

But, a good looking and socially smooth man doesn't need a social circle. If you're not those things, you better find yourself a...circle.

macone235 · 2023-11-22T18:29:12+00:00

Depends on what else you have to offer. Having a big social circle helps, because it signals a lot of things - you have good social skills and people like you, you should have an easier time making money, you're probably more attractive, you'll be independent of a woman, and you'll have more access to them.

StrikingAd8556 · 2023-11-22T18:41:51+00:00

No. Take the weasel pill and just DM randos and lie about how popular you are or how family oriented you are. Just have to keep the facade up long enough to smash. I'd always tell girls I matched with I'm watching my nephew. I don't even have a nephew, but it makes me sound like a good guy.

If anything having a big social circle hurts because you have to worry about them cancelling you or humiliating you or judging you for who you hook up with.

TidyMess123 · 2023-11-22T13:56:47+00:00

No - the size of your social circle is something you have full control of. If it’s not a big enough circle, make it bigger. Get hobbies that take you out of the house, get involved in your community, volunteer somewhere.

SecondEldenLord · 2023-11-22T13:46:28+00:00

Not necessarily, you need a big social circle only when you are unattractive. If you are attractive and charismatic above that, people will just approach you, living life on easy mode basically, or living life like the average woman.

Atlasatlastatleast · 2023-11-22T15:49:21+00:00

I met one precious girlfriend from Twitter, went on a date with a girl from Reddit, and my gf now I met on Twitter. Hopefully never have to do that again seeing as Twitter is a shell of its former self

solstice-sky · 2023-11-22T19:11:26+00:00

everyone knows that the older you get, the harder it is to meet friends and expand your social circle

This is an insidious and pervasive cultural narrative that needs to be challenged. The only thing that makes it harder to meet friends as an adult is the fact that you are no longer forcibly confined in a room with your peers. You now have to seek those peers out and develop relationships with them. But it’s not hard, it just requires intention and effort.

If you operate from the assumption that developing friendships is impossible, you won’t have any. If you join meetup, join social networking events, join hobby groups, you will find people who are seeking connection as well and friendships will happen. You’ll meet someone you vibe with eventually, unless you are a nightmare of a person (most people aren’t). I believe in you!

dmatthews021120 · 2023-11-22T15:17:35+00:00

Women are good at picturing their futures with you and if her first impressions (fair or not) make you seem like an introverted stay-at-home type, it likely does present some red flags for her.

Remember most (not all) women presenting as hot (doing their hair, makeup, dressing well, putting their tits out, etc.) are doing that because they want to be seen and get that attention they crave. It's hard to imagine herself being the center of pretty-girl attention in her sweats watching Netflix all the time.

Related, and thinking through it from an evolutionary psychology context, it's probably true men who were socially ostracized or just preferred to not engage much in a tribal communal context were far more likely to have problems protecting themselves, providing for themselves, and providing and protecting for others. Put differently: we evolved as social creatures and being alone or not deeply entrenched in tribal activities likely meant a harsher, more anxiety laden existance.

There are plenty of lovely introverted women in the world, but now you're in a traditional bind: introverts have fewer social engagements than extroverts. This preference can make it challenging to meet people with similar temperaments, because you are less likely to be in social situations where such meetings would occur.

So I do think you've recognized a valid area of concern and something to work on/improve on.

TheLonerCoder · 2023-11-22T19:44:21+00:00

If you're a loner attractive guy on dating apps, no.

If you're an average guy who doesn't go outside and are expecting relationships to fall into your lap, yes.

JNRoberts42 · 2023-11-22T13:32:07+00:00

You don’t need to be extroverted, but if you want to meet new people having a few friends to go out with is far better than sitting at home and swiping. But it requires effort. You have to make the plans, offer to DD, host parties or cookouts, organize the get togethers.

The only thing I use FB for is to run a closed group of friends I’ve met through hobbies and work. No way in hell I’m going Black Friday shopping, but I am meeting and driving four (so far) friends around and hanging out with them. Three women and one man so far, and all of them are drinkers who have already planned to take a few airplane bottles of Kahlua to spike their coffee. Shopping in a crowd of rude people who likely have colds and coughs with a handful of tipsy friends isn’t my first idea of fun, but I like these people and it will be a good time with them. And next weekend we’re going to a ski resort where the chair lift will run at night with Christmas lights and there will be food trucks and a new beer cart.

You could also do this today. You could create a group and bring up shopping or Christmas shopping and ask if anyone wants to ride along. And as events come up, you can post or share them and try to get others on board.

ETA: Now is the time. Christmas shopping is the perfect excuse to start an activities group without looking desperate and needy. Ask who wants to go on a road trip to this or that store. Ask what Black Friday deals people are looking at. Ask if friends want to go for breakfast and coffee and people watch. Do it this month, while there are very good reasons to get together and go out.

noise__floor · 2023-11-22T15:48:50+00:00

Yes you are fucked

OctoPuscifer · 2023-11-22T14:24:32+00:00

Bro is still blaming the pandemic almost four years later

nonplussedminus · 2023-11-22T13:57:31+00:00

No. Source: am a friendless introvert shut in and still have a wonderful partner.

iAtlas · 2023-11-22T15:52:14+00:00

Yes. You need to expand your social circle. I am also an alright looking dude (ugly), 6'6, 220lbs. Six figure fortune 50 tech salary.

Instead of doing the apps which is just a dumping ground of trash women that no dude wants to lock down, i started doing more IRL social events. For me this was art classes (acrylic painting), and a gym routine. Havent made friends that transcend these environments but i see it heading that direction. This is also self reinforcing, as you have something to talk about with people and cross pollinate these social groups.

I also firmly believe that the best available women are not on the apps, and if they are, theyre on there for less than 2 weeks and shack up with the first dude she has chemistry with. Thats what an emotionally healthy woman would do (secure attachment style, non-hypergamous)

Familiesarenations · 2023-11-22T16:46:21+00:00

You have four places that you go where you can make new friends. Don't feel hopeless, use them.

Safinated · 2023-11-22T17:50:04+00:00

No

Nerds date

Bright-Personality70 · 2023-11-22T18:57:48+00:00

You can always make more friends, you make make friends throughout your entire life.

Does it require effort? Yes. Are you 'fucked' no.

basedmama21 · 2023-11-23T02:37:40+00:00

Quality over quantity. My husband has five very devoted lifelong friends and then a large circle of acquaintances through work and jiu jitsu

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strugglinggradstu · 2023-11-22T13:58:10+00:00

I am not at all successful with women. Never been but dudes who are extroverted do well. If you look good you should be successful

MaleficentSun3923 · 2023-11-22T14:17:29+00:00

I only ever met people when I was looking for a relationship or such. Whenever I'm in a relationship I instantly let 95% of my social circle die out.

It's easy to hop in and out of those things. People are social creatures.

Nomadicpainaddict · 2023-11-22T15:25:44+00:00

When I moved to a new city 3 years ago I had no friends plus the pandemic kicked off right when I was ready to be more social and go out again. I'm a natural introvert and slow to make new friends but was fortunate to meet a big friend group via Facebook/meetup and nearly all my friends, dating interactions, hookups, party invites etc were based on connections I made in the group and opportunities created by being more social in general, I saw the direct connection in action, sitting home and swiping offered very little of substance in this period and led to me getting in my head to much. I had to take a step back sometimes but getting myself out there in different ways was absolutely key.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-11-22T16:52:13+00:00

It's harder but far from impossible, so long as it's not the case that you literally don't talk to anyone as obviously then there's no way to meet a date. Considering how you've mentioned you have friends I think you'll be fine.

Sweet_Reflexion · 2023-11-22T17:13:12+00:00

If you're quiet and have a small social circle, you have to get lucky and hope one of your few friends can introduce you to someone attractive. I've been noticing pretty much the exact same thing as you, that very extroverted people have a lot of dating success even if they aren't the most attractive. Of course if you can meet a lot of people it will help loads.

Other than that, hobbies where you can meet people, particularly people of the opposite gender are the way to go.

rpujoe · 2023-11-22T18:08:58+00:00

Not entire, but yes. Social circle is massively important. Think of it in terms of a sales funnel & leads. Or baseball. More at bats you have the better your chances of getting onto a base.

Having a robust social circle puts you into contact with not just your friends but also their friends and acquaintances. Bonus if those social circles are centered around hobbies and/or the type of women you truly desire.

obviousredflag · 2023-11-22T18:32:51+00:00

I consider myself an alright looking guy, but due to the pandemic and other issues, my social circle has significantly shrunk over the past few years. If I'm lucky, I go out with a couple friends maybe once a month, max.
I pretty much only leave the house to go to class, my part-time job, the gym, or to run errands.

Well, the pandemic is over and "other issues" should be resolved or that should be your focus. So what is stopping you from getting back to a large social circle? Get back with your social circle or build a new one. What is stopping you?

Idk I'm beginning to feel hopeless, and everyone knows that the older you get, the harder it is to meet friends and expand your social circle.

That is only partly true. Move to a big city and keep doing the lifestyle of the phase in your life where you did meet many new people and built friendships. Making friends is only hard when you live a lifestyle that is built for keeping already existing friends.

You can't have both: lifestyle that doesn't bring you into contact with new people regularly and being open to talk to them and bond quickly, AND build a large social circle from scratch.

Just as your body resembles what you eat and what you do activity-wise with your body, your social circle resembles what you do/your lifestyle.

So i recommend to incorporte things in your life that make it probable to get new friends. Otherwise, stick to online dating and craft a better profile than you currently have.

Comms · 2023-11-22T22:02:03+00:00

What’s stopping you from leaving the house?

_Ad_Astra_Abyssosque · 2023-11-22T22:20:16+00:00

No. You can always make more friends.

boredom4321 · 2023-11-22T23:40:47+00:00

unless you learn to go out alone and cold approach yes it's a big hindrance. It's simple statistics if you aren't putting yourself in repeated positions to go up and talk to women you aren't going to meet one to date.

est1-9-8-4 · 2023-11-22T23:40:50+00:00

You got a couple of friends? You don’t got to brag

Economy-House171 · 2023-11-22T23:44:17+00:00

As a woman who had a very small social group and is introverted it certainly made finding someone quite literally impossible for me so yes imo

HighestTierMaslow · 2023-11-23T04:19:33+00:00

Yes to both genders. It's a massive problem in today's society with how isolated we all are

BioNipple · 2023-11-23T05:04:47+00:00

Yes. But it doesn't matter just download tinder and set the geography to some random city in Africa. And bingo.

TenaciousVillain · 2023-11-23T06:24:54+00:00

I keep a small circle, like count on one hand small, and it's intentional. I don't like lots of people having access to me. I know I'm not for everyone, and most people are not my cup of tea. The people closest to me are like family. I've known them a lifetime. But I attract likeminded people, even in relationships. There are certain qualities to introverted and highly selective people that I simply find very, very attractive.

Your number of friends does not dictate dating success, it dictates whether you fit in with the masses or not. It dictates whether you have the approval of people desperate to fit in with the masses. You do however need some of the skills of more extraverted personalities in order to enrich your dating experiences. That's the difference. I tested as highly introverted until I worked on it and eventually tested as extraverted. It was something I paid attention to, studied and forced myself out of my comfort zone to in a way cosplay. Now although being naturally introverted and largely not caring for most people, I still show up as very charismatic and extraverted when I want to. I learned the characteristics of highly social/extraverted people. (It's mostly draining though and takes an incredible amount of tolerance.)

Your focus should be on moving more to becoming an ambivert rather than having a bunch of people around you for the sake of gaining some love interest's approval. Introverts have trouble committing friendship energy on too many people - you'll be miserable. Trust that there are plenty of introverted people just like you in the world. We just cope by learning to fake it until we make.

campskills21 · 2023-11-23T06:55:24+00:00

I think there is more legitimate hot chicks that go out 3 times a month, then hang with friends once a week. What you're saying is a setback for some, but good percent of girls legitimately like it, because they're introverts and they don't want to deal with your social circle.

shabby18 · 2023-11-23T08:38:06+00:00

Actually disagree. Instead I don't like to date friends of friends. I tried it in college. It was a mess. If the friend hooks you up with someone close then you don't vibe or break off on bad terms, you lose a friend and a date both. Also you end up dating people with a similar mentality. I have realised this is not ideal for a successful relationship. You and your partner end up having the same thought process and no variety in the relationship.

Emergency-Escape1708 · 2023-11-23T09:20:26+00:00

Y.E.S

riffer841 · 2023-11-23T12:06:35+00:00

Pandemic has fucked a lot of people

My savings disappeared and had redundancies, struggled/struggling financially like many at the moment

It costs money to go out and socialise, let alone date

Swiping right on someone who's profile is all ski-ing, mountain hiking, posh bars etc would feel foolish, as I can't financially keep up to that. Let alone all the ladies profiles implying if you're broke you're a loser etc, probably a bullet dodged with most of those though

MiaDovahkiin · 2023-11-23T12:14:14+00:00

This is unfortunately true. I'm already a pretty shy person, I don't reach out to people on social media. I am not registered with dating apps. There is only one social circle left. But I do not have a social circle that I can directly call friends. I have always been a school- and work-oriented person, and I have to say that I almost never made any friends. My environment is entirely business environment. I passed the dating difficulty, there is no such thing as dating in my life.

nowtg · 2023-11-23T12:57:51+00:00

If you're a part of a community of people then you just are able to meet people and form connections and there's a potential for some of them to be romantic. If you're in an insular bubble it's a lot harder to meet anyone unless you're using apps or cold approaching. But I think meeting organically just has its benefits in terms of building meaningful connection, at least that's been my experience. The best app success I've had is when it's more put me in touch with an acquaintance or friend of a friend and we've hit it off.

It is hard but you do need to get out there. Doing what is really up to you and your own interests and what's around you, I don't think there's a one size fits all. You saying you're studying, perhaps there are student societies you could join?

throwaway316stunner · 2023-11-23T19:39:53+00:00

As someone who has never had a social life: YES, you’re fucked.

83GS · 2023-11-23T19:47:30+00:00

The reason I'm averse to socializing and long for a romantic partner can be explained with self awareness.

DopeAFjknotreally · 2023-11-23T21:38:33+00:00

It will 100% make things a lot more difficult for you

The good news is that you can start working on your social circle. You do have control over if

Johnny_L · 2023-11-24T19:40:31+00:00

Yes

If you’re not tall and super hot

Title	If you don't have a big social circle, are you basically fucked when it comes to dating?
Author	Glass_Bucket
Upvotes	109
Comments	210
Date	November 22, 2023 1:15 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1818v9z/if_you_dont_have_a_big_social_circle_are_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/if-you-dont-have-a-big-social-circle-are-you.1239098 https://theredarchive.com/post/1239098

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