Did it feel like your S.O. "flipped a switch"?

Long-Review-1861 · 2024-07-25T18:54:33+00:00

Happened to me in several relationships. This is just how most women are wired it seems 🤷

One4All992 · 2024-07-24T19:00:54+00:00

Lot of good points and views on this post. Personally, it felt like a switch I thought my ex was joking when she said she wanted to separate and potentially divorce. I literally remember laughing like, "haha yeah okay real funny!" Literally two weeks after my bday and her not giving any subtleties or hints. Said she's been thinking about it for months. I was in total shock 🫨

In the end though I'm glad it all worked out the way it was supposed too. I'm still not sure if I'll ever marry again. Honestly, I don't even want to date. I'm just giving it all to God and enjoying my peace.

Historical-Basis-196 · 2024-07-24T16:52:19+00:00

The changes are gradual, but I bet if you compared your ex on your wedding day to how she was acting when you split up, it would be a world of difference. We hang on to images of the past, and to hope that things could go back to how they once were-- but most likely the person was drastically different at the time of the split. My ex said she loved me two weeks before she told me that she was divorcing me and leaving. I can see now that I loved the person I had first met 16 years ago. That person no longer exists.

icemountainisnextome · 2024-07-24T12:34:33+00:00

In every sense of the expression. We were cuddling on the couch with our dogs watching Modern Family the night before. The next day, When I text her I was on my way home she hearted the text. Normally it was an "ok baby" reply but nothing too strange. I walked up the stairs and there was a one page note that amounts to " I'm sorry goodbye".

We were together for 10 years, married for 7. Absolutely blind sided. No discussion, no argument, no ultimatum, she just left. The was over 9 months ago and I'm still a complete mess thinking about it. I think she just fell for someone else. God just writing this will fuck my morning up. I miss you so fucking much, Sarah.

RepresentativeOk5968 · 2024-07-24T01:51:48+00:00

Oh god yes. Knew my ex wife for 8 years (dated for 4, married for 4) and then out of nowhere, she wants to "open the relationship". We had never fought, never had nights we went to bed angry with each other, or anything like that. But she wanted to have relations with other men (and women). Once it was clear I wasn't moving fast enough for her, she decided to just cheat on me with anybody she could find. She literally stopped being the woman I fell in love with and who I thought loved me. It was absolutely nuts how blind sided I was. She never did say sorry for blowing up our lives like that and for that (and other things not to be mentioned here) I'll never forgive her.

Thevinegru2 · 2024-07-24T01:45:32+00:00

Yes, but with me there weren’t even any issues to work through. We moved in together and she decided she hated my kids and I. I was the exact same person she spent 7 days a week with before we moved in together. She was sleeping at my house 3-5 days a week. We move in together and within weeks it’s like, boom, completely different person.

probebeta · 2024-07-23T20:11:42+00:00

In retrospect I think there are cues before flipping the switch, at least for me, but it's maybe one of those things you tolerate and ignore. The flip of the switch is when she securely monkey branched somewhere else and has decided to cut you out. As I read more on this sub and elsewhere Im finding that this is a typical pattern women follow. I don't mean to say anything bad about it, they want security, especially if they have kids. But it's at least interesting to know the process and stay protected while these shenanigans are happening.

SuperConfused40 · 2024-07-23T18:27:59+00:00

No. She was always insane. I choose to ignore it and tolerate it.

Lopsided_Actuary4790 · 2024-07-23T17:00:13+00:00

To me, it’s not a switch but more a different way of being in the world. She wanted to be seen differently and when she got validated for that persona, she embraced it. We’re all complex. Like how being with one friend brings out stories from one era vs being with another brings out different thoughts and feelings. She got tired of being mom and wife and…got tired of me. I respect that but ultimately had to decide what I wanted to do about it. I chose divorce.

Adventurous_Fact2083 · 2024-07-23T16:19:14+00:00

Bust they sorry ass cheating and bring up the word lawyer. That will start WWIII every time.

Top_Shelf_8982 · 2024-07-23T16:07:44+00:00

There's a solid video on YouTube titled "Why Men Get Blindsided by Divorce" where the speaker describes how women micro-change to augment the relationship over time. They expect their husband to do the same. That's not how a man's brain works. It's a fundamental disconnect between the sexes. Women are wrong to expect men to behave like women, men are wrong in how they interpret what is actually going on.

If a man perceives a problem, he determines if it's fixable and if he has the tools to fix it. The tools include the solution to the problem or the ability to ask a man for advice on how to fix it. If they don't have either, they either determine there is no problem or dismiss the irrational behavior and emotions of their wife (ie defensiveness and self-protection). If they continue to see a problem they usually feel like if they open up about their insecurity with the situation, their wife will lose respect for them and they may even be seen as weak in a social context. The third most common issue is that he is terrified to open up to anyone about the problem he sees and simply shuts down in the absence of a path forward.

Those three conditions are primary ways men find themselves blindsided by a divorce. She starts off combative for a time as she is trying to get through to him (albeit using methods that are entirely ineffective for men). She actually still cares at this point. He just feels attacked and without hope. Then she stops fighting. That's when she's given up. This is the point where she has already left the relationship. The eventual divorce she has already decided to file is just a formality in her mind. It's obvious to her, but he thinks they've finally resolved their issues and are moving forward. "Look at how far we've come." "We made it through the hard times." Are all things that cross his mind.

Meanwhile, she's already left but she's still plotting her exit. All of that time he continues on as if nothing is wrong, but she's already putting aside money, starting a relationship to "monkey branch" to when she leaves, and lining up her strategy for the divorce she will be filing as soon as she's ready to pull the trigger.

Neither side's hands are clean in this situation. She's wrong for expecting him to understand what is going on as things deteriorate and her expectations that he will understand it like a woman only assure the demise of the relationship. This is an area where the pernicious effects of toxic "friends" and social media only embolden her disdain for him and make resolving the issue more difficult.

Men need to get better at helping men see what actually goes on in relationships. Her side isn't invalid, neither is his. His inability to understand (the average man with a 130 IQ has the emotional intelligence of a woman with a 70 IQ) does not justify her affair or destruction the family unit. His inability to understand is not a "get out of jail free" card that excuses his neglect of her emotions while she turned away. This something he must remedy and men must take the lead on teaching other men. Men lead. They need the skills to make them worth following.

eagles9900 · 2024-07-23T16:07:12+00:00

This thread is truly inspiring. Everyone has gone through the same kind of shit with these nasty women yet the next uneducated dumb guy will leach onto them thinking they can change their poor behavior and character (if the female even tells them the truth - which I doubt because women always play the victim in the story). Good luck to em

grease_munky3 · 2024-07-23T15:59:58+00:00

My ex was all for working on issues and talking out problems. When she could blame them on me. When I told her to get a full-time job and get the hell off social media, all of sudden, our marriage wasn't fixable, and divorce was the only answer. So a switch was definitely flipped somewhere.

deathkamaro77 · 2024-07-23T15:39:10+00:00

It's frightening, frankly, to see how quickly women can disassociate themselves from the life they shared with you once they have decided they want something else. You rarely, if ever, see men do this. I wonder why that is?

I am both grateful and appalled my sons got to witness this firsthand. I doubt either of them will ever view a woman without some degree of suspicion.

CompSci1 · 2024-07-23T14:57:08+00:00

They didn't flip a switch the scale of is it worth it to be with you tipped in her head and the answer became no. That scale was always there. You fundamentally misunderstand what's going on in 99% of relationships. It's ok, we all did at one point.

DudeforRighteousness · 2024-07-23T14:21:58+00:00

The person you thought you knew actually never existed. The person you thought you knew was a construct you made up in your own head based on how you felt. You assumed just because you were a loyal person and willing to fight for things that the other person was the same. If you look back in the past, I’m sure they’re all kinds of red flags that you ignored. All of us did it.

grimxluna4ever · 2024-07-23T14:04:44+00:00

Yes. Happened in three weeks Then 5 minutes But she had actually been planning it for a year and a half. Betraying me with her financial infidelity. Ultimately trying to take our home. 18 years. My best friend. I will never be the same.

CrazySanta7 · 2024-07-23T12:56:02+00:00

It sucks but they start planning for months, if not years. Once they find your potential replacement....boom. The switch occurs. Its game FN over at that point.

hazalo9 · 2024-07-23T12:44:46+00:00

She wants to move on so she stopped having empathy for you. After many years together it will feel different cause you're not used to it. I had read here that the best way to beat that is to go no contact or gray rock. Once I started doing that she changed her tone and it made me stronger. Remember " the one that doesn't give a fuck is the one that control the relationship". Get used to not having her in your life, start immediately so you can move on faster. It's hard at first but worth it in the long run. Good luck bro!

DueAbbreviations5605 · 2025-02-27T11:13:45+00:00

I am in the middle of that as we speak. I don’t know who the man is that is in the shower that I hear running next to my bed and next-door to my son’s room. It is for lack of better words just insane. I can’t make sense out of any of it. I hope that you can maybe just accept that that there is no making sense and live for yourself. I hope the same for me. Good luck buddy hang in there.

Exactly65536 · 2024-07-23T12:42:38+00:00

One day "flip a switch" happens when you are blind and deaf, usually by choice, and there are all the signs of it in your post.

"We had conflicts", "we tried to work", "we were able to look over and have fun", "we climbed". You don't see her, you don't hear her; you extrapolate yourself into "we", assuming she is in the same place as you.

Which, apparently, she wasn't.

Now you have to deal with the fact that this thing, her personal happiness, exists.

NorthBoy_9012 · 2024-07-23T12:40:58+00:00

My wife’s youngest sister moved back to MN, and after announcing at a garage party about 18 months ago that she was divorcing her husband, my wife became someone else. My wife was triggered back to her situation at 17 when dad left mom for his 10 year hidden love. Over the last 18 months - I’m the only remaining man left under age 70, with 3 divorced people already, I’ve become the focus of ire, mistrust, and anger. Men are to be mistrusted, and as my wife digs further and further into sheltering her, she copies her, and parrots the youngest’s drama. It’s awful. Yep, the switch can flip.

Joocewayne · 2024-07-23T12:00:15+00:00

100%. It’s a well documented phenomenon in the stories on here. It’s heartbreaking to read.

I say fight fire with fire and emulate it, although I know in the midst of it happening to me that would have been impossible.

i80west · 2024-07-23T11:53:13+00:00

Mine did. The trigger was our son's marriage. My wife decided she had to go to war. Full on hatred and promises of disinheritence. Almost a year didn’t soften it. That crossed a bright line. Marriage was over.

organicwilly · 2024-07-23T11:30:52+00:00

As others have stated here, I think the light switch phenomena is an illusion. In my example, I was comfortable and trusting until I started to pick up on subtle cues. For the longest time I was in complete denial but deep down inside I felt like something was off. In all honesty, I was probably the last to notice as it was my kids who actually clued me into a bunch of her emotional affairs, one of which is 11.

Edit: my kid is 11, not her AP

captainchippsixx · 2024-07-23T09:41:11+00:00

Hey man, huge possible indicator she has someone else she is with or starting to be with emotionally.

darkerwithin · 2024-07-23T08:48:19+00:00

There is no switch. There is no different person. She dropped the mask/stopped the act. The person you are dealing with presently is the real one. Always has been.

She did not forget what you were fighting for or anything else. She became bored, found a shiny new toy to chase, etc.

How to move on? Move on. You don't have much of a choice. Recommended that you go no contact. The person you came to adore doesn't exist. That was a persona created to ensnare you.

Grand_Alps9214 · 2024-07-23T08:37:19+00:00

Yup. You couldn’t have said it better. Separated a tear now, divorced for like 3 months or so. Still ponder about her and what happened to us at times as I miss my best friend.

But - what you said is exactly what happened. In hindsight sight she was checked out earlier and then just “bam”. Gone.

Glittering-Cat3316 · 2024-07-23T08:13:53+00:00

So, I am the one leaving my wife, not the other way around, and she is constantly telling me I "flipped a switch." Because I did. Because it was necessary to turn off my empathy, to become cold, in order to fundamentally make the switch from "we" to "me." It's the only way I could go through with it logically and rationally and not let her emotions manipulate me into feeling bad for her and continuing to make it work. The switch flipping is a protective mechanism for my own self-interest that allows me to treat divorce as a business and legal transaction, which is what it is. I still care about her well-being. But cutting off my emotions is necessary to move forward and do what's best for me.

ww3historian · 2024-07-23T07:00:52+00:00

Mine acted like she was possessed by the devil. In reality I should have looked at her phone to see that she was DMing dudes on instagram

ColdHandGee · 2024-07-23T06:41:27+00:00

It is not flipping a switch, they have been masquerading as a certain woman until she got what she wanted: marriage family house car money.

Once she has drained you of all your natural resources, her mask comes off and then you see the real woman you made a life with.

All of us here has had the exactly the same experience. No wonder i am still single since my divorce rape in 2020.

Cufflock · 2024-07-23T05:37:23+00:00

In my own experience, It feels like switch flipping because their actions are determined by how they feel not facts.

For example when I see a person we know punching the wall, I would not label this person as a violent person without concerning how this person behaved in the past until this incident happened, however she would directly label this person as a violent person as long as she felt violence at that moment when this person punching the wall.

So how you behave in the past doesn’t create a record in this sense, it’s not your resume. Say you clean the house and wash all the dishes and clothes for 10 years yet you are a lazy ass if you pick the wrong time to not to do these chores and you have no idea when is the wrong time because feelings are out of her control.

The worst part of it is that the value of your contributions do not accumulate but your behaviors that upset her do.

Embarrassed-Steak331 · 2024-07-23T04:27:10+00:00

I think mine had a high counsel.

She was posting a lot of pics of her and a girl's group I didn't recognize. She picked up drinking. And, while we were still talking anyway, she had to "think" about everything. Pretty sure she vetted all the decisions with the group.

It would have been entertaining if the women weren't living vicariously making off the cuff decisions about someone else's life savings. Divorce by committee is a terrible thing.

Strict-Front-2375 · 2024-07-23T04:05:16+00:00

The switch is a new dick, if you're wondering.

henrysmyagent · 2024-07-23T03:28:24+00:00

Most men only meet the woman they married at the divorce.

karavan7 · 2024-07-23T03:16:16+00:00

Now you know what it's like to be committed to a woman. Don't do that. It's not necessary.

tempussecundus · 2024-07-23T03:14:20+00:00

Oh yeah she did. Just poof. Everything gone like that. I think it's because women build resentment rather than discuss and it boils over.

Cheb44 · 2024-07-23T03:06:44+00:00

Oh man I think everyone here lol. It was nuts, and really sad.

TechnicalAd5152 · 2024-07-23T03:04:33+00:00

Idk if I'd say she flipped a switch id say that multiple people were shitting in her ears for so long that when things weren't perfect anymore she started to listen to their craziness

Title	Did it feel like your S.O. "flipped a switch"?
Author	4th_times_a_charm_
Upvotes	52
Comments	115
Date	July 23, 2024 2:50 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1e9x45a/did_it_feel_like_your_so_flipped_a_switch/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/did-it-feel-like-your-so-flipped-a-switch.1525047 https://theredarchive.com/post/1525047

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