Would you rather be “picked” or settled for?

alebruto · 2024-10-07T01:12:49+00:00

It's better to be chosen than to be with someone who tolerates you because they need you

Think_Day_8061 · 2024-10-07T00:29:27+00:00

I'd rather be picked. I want my partner to be in a relationship that they desire. It's about them as much as it is me. I'm not interested in dragging someone kicking and screaming. I want them to be into it, for their sake and for mine.

My girlfriend and I have been together a long time now. If I got the slightest hint that she "settled," I'd leave immediately.

I'm confident that I'd find someone else who does desire me, or I'd be alone. Either way, I'd be happier.

Of course, I know that this is all easy for me to say because I'm in a relationship.

Ultramega39 · 2024-10-07T00:45:44+00:00

Picked 100%.

I'm not looking for a short term relationship. I'm looking for real genuine love.

NotUsedUsernameYet · 2024-10-07T02:17:00+00:00

I have been settled for in the past. This eventually led to divorce. I am never getting into this type of relationship (where I am settled for) again.

Termodynamicslad · 2024-10-07T00:28:26+00:00

I made a similar question, more as a discussion, but mods haven't freed my post yet.

I think people should be pretty averse to getting settled for. The whole idea of starting a relationship seen as less deserving is very toxic.

OmoshiroiKudamono · 2024-10-07T04:18:47+00:00

I would be rather be picked than settled (in THEIR eyes). Even if we are both 6's, if she is disappointed because I am not an 8, then that is me being settled for in HER eyes.

I don't want to do 10x the effort for the same thing compared to other men. Eventually, I'll become a dancing chore monkey roommate at best.

Commercial-Formal272 · 2024-10-07T03:56:51+00:00

I think the way the question can be contextualized is "Did she want you, or did she want a boyfriend/husband and decide you would be it?". Lots of people love being in a relationship more than they love the person they are in the relationship with, but in turn most people would rather be loved for who they are rather than for the role they fill. Relationships based on wanting to be in a relationship, rather than wanting to be with the person, tend to fail because the other person fails to live up to the idealized version of what you think a relationship should be.

BigMoistTwonkie · 2024-10-07T03:36:25+00:00

I'd never be with someone who on any level feels that they are "settling" for me.

I'm confident in the work that I've put into myself and my life, and I feel that as I get older I will only feel more secure in that, as I continue to get stronger in the gym, become more financially secure, and delve further into my interests.

If someone feels that they're "settling" for me because they think I don't have a nice enough face, or I'm not tall enough, or I'm not rich enough, then they can go have fun locking that taller, cuter, richer guy down.

It's really all a matter of perspective from the woman's part. By definition, if you're not a 10/10 guy on every possible metric, then there's always a possibility that any woman might feel in some ways like they are "settling" with you, with a certain body type, amount of money, or personality.

But I don't think that's how human beings generally view their relationships. I think that when people start to become attracted, and as that attraction starts to undergo the process of morphing into what we would call "falling in love", that the idea that either person is "settling" for eachother goes right out the window. That's a very objectifying and quite frankly, callous interpretation of human sexual relationships.

Electric_Death_1349 · 2024-10-07T06:58:43+00:00

Why would anyone want to be settled for - we all know what this means, and it’s why being called “husband material” is seen as an insult

I’d rather be alone forever that be settled for

TopShelfSnipes · 2024-10-07T07:12:07+00:00

Definitely picked.

IRL, this is never this black and white. Each person has key boxes that need to be checked, and the search is never as cut and try as choosing an 'optimal' choice. In reality, we don't possess enough information to make an optimal choice. This goes along with a general belief that there isn't "The One."

When we 'pick' someone, what we are essentially saying is:

We are content with the number of people we've met and believe it represents a reasonable sampling of what's out there for us
We have enough experience to make an informed decision
The person we are with now checks all of our key boxes and would be an amazing, attractive partner to go through life with
This person is good enough in all the ways that matter, based on our own subjective standards, that we are willing to call off the search and be loyal to them forever
We believe there is an extremely high likelihood that this person is the optimal choice, and the small risk that there is someone better is not worth the opportunity cost of letting this person go.

Settling implies compromising one of one's "key boxes" and in that regard is an inherently inferior choice, and there is some element of not measuring up implied (there is a difference between 'not measuring up' and 'could be better at that particular thing, but I don't really care all that much' - that's the key difference).

IceWingAngel · 2024-10-07T00:33:15+00:00

Either or because right now it's looking like it's going to be neither and settled implies one at the very least passed some sort of bearable barometer of attraction. Of course I realize that also means they may very well by majority be leaning on one as a means of resource provider for said barometer. That being said I do not know how one would have their sanity and mental health intact if said pick were to take a prolonged period of unknown time.

Tokimonatakanimekat · 2024-10-07T03:39:19+00:00

Picked, obviously. Everyone wants to be a first choice, not a fallback option to fill the void.

Aafan_Barbarro · 2024-10-07T11:20:59+00:00

This question is basically would you rather your partner fake an orgasm instead of a real one?

Dayman115 · 2024-10-07T15:29:53+00:00

I find your examples rather confusing.

"But you have your sanity and mental health intact." I'm a little confused by this. In this scenario if I am not picked, then I am alone forever? How does one maintain their sanity and mental health? I can say from experience it is very harmful to both. To know you are not worthy of anyone's love is very damaging.

"and your confidence and self worth may be affected." More than being alone forever? How could someone choosing me, even if it's only settling, possibly lower my self worth MORE than NO ONE choosing me ever, for any reason?

Overall, I find the question a little confusing, as it seems to imply being alone will not affect your mental state. If that were the case, I would choose to be picked. But that isn't how it works, so I would take being settled. At least I know it's possible for someone to pick me, even if it's not for the reasons I want.

Comfortable-Dare-307 · 2024-10-07T22:43:03+00:00

If I had to choose I'd rather be picked. If I were interested in a relationship, I would want my partner to be genuinely interested in me. If they are just settling I don't know if they really liked me or just the idea of me.

NockerJoe · 2024-10-07T23:04:35+00:00

This only seems like a problem if you're really bad at reading people or have really terrible taste in the opposite sex.

BrainMarshal · 2024-10-07T00:48:34+00:00

Impractical question. Only 10% of men will ever truly be picked.

krackedy · 2024-10-07T00:44:09+00:00

How do you define settling?

I see people act like it's "settling" if your partner isn't a millionaire supermodel or simply if the person has any flaws at all.

Everyone is "settling" if it means accepting imperfection.

If settling means being with someone you're not excited about or that you're wishing you could be with someone else then obviously I want to be picked.

I'm pretty confident my wife picked me, despite the fact that I'm far from perfect. I'm a lot shorter than her ex. I'm mentally ill. Etc. She chose me over him though.

driggsky · 2024-10-07T00:50:14+00:00

Depends if the woman is rational and understands that she’s actually not settling. Women seem to think that if they have fucked someone better looking in the past that that means being in a relationships with anyone less attractive than her past partner is settling.

But thats clearly not how she should be understanding how valuable she is. Its easy for women to fuck someone more attractive than they themselves are. Men are willing to go 1-2 levels lower for a quick fuck. But most men will only commit to women they find good value in. A woman should only think she settled if she has evidence that a higher quality man has or was clearly willing to commit to her and she currently is ‘settling’ for a less attractive man

But yeah obviously you’d like to be picked and not have someone think they settled for you. But settling is a dumb vague term. Everyone ‘settles’ in some ways. Only entitled people or non critical thinkers dont understand this. Also its a sad way to think about the reality of the situation which is that you grow to love someone. Women’s pickiness and the fact that they have access to 100s of men at at instant have fried their brains in a way that make it difficult for them to understand this

Solondthewookiee · 2024-10-07T00:37:24+00:00

How are we defining "settling?" Because I've seen argumnets here that it means "if a woman has ever dated a man who is hotter than you."

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DumbWordsmith · 2024-10-07T01:07:55+00:00

Picked, no question. I'm down for waiting, though I doubt I'll keep my options open after 40 (7 years from now). I've already experienced being settled for. I don't want that for myself, and I don't want to do that to another person.

IDGAF about being in a mediocre relationship, as I'd be the one pulling most of the weight. I'm 100% prepared to ride it out alone. I haven't been interested in romance since my last relationship, which ended 3 years ago, and I really can't imagine building a serious romantic relationship from scratch again. I just don't think I have it in me right now. Maybe I never will. It would take the perfect situation to entice me, and that would definitely involve both of us picking each other.

Big-Accountant4923 · 2024-10-07T03:48:23+00:00

How would I know either would be happening? I guess I would rather be picked but since I don't think I'll be getting picked I'm already prepared to be settled for.

wtknight · 2024-10-07T03:50:43+00:00

I would rather be picked, because it’s pretty easy to go overseas and find an attractive woman who will actually pick you.

ArtifactFan65 · 2024-10-07T04:33:27+00:00

If I stood in a room with hundreds of billions of men from all throughout history I would want my future wife to choose me specifically out of literally everyone.

If she desires any other man more than me then she should choose them instead.

PMmeareasontolive · 2024-10-07T05:01:59+00:00

You have to compromise in some areas. Unless you consistently attract the top person you could imagine. But most of us are going to be settling in some areas. The question becomes, is the experience as a whole worthwhile. The answer to that should always be yes.

Exciting-Parfait-776 · 2024-10-07T16:01:12+00:00

Picked or stay single

GH0STRIDER579 · 2024-10-08T00:28:12+00:00

I'd like to be picked in the sense it'd be nice to have a billion dollars. It's nice to have, but not holding out for it.

Sargeras13 · 2024-10-08T17:20:29+00:00

Chosen/picked, easily. How a woman treats you when she picks you Vs when she settles for you is like night and day. It's not like with men, men are good at hiding all that, women aren't.

When a woman settles for a man, she looks, sounds and talks cold, her barriers are always up, she never puts any effort into you and everything is transactional for her. She never puts any affection into her communication nor does she go out of her way for you. She never initiates intimacy and she's quick to lose her composure and temper with you. Acts of service are basically non-existent too.

When a woman chooses you, she's always doing things for you, she's extremely affectionate and patient, she always does acts of service, she's always physically, emotionally and mentally craving you, not just sex, but she always wants to cuddle, hug and be close to you. She's never transactional and always uplifts you, initiates far more often and does all these little gestures for you, whether it be buying some souvenir or food for you.

It's night and day, and god does she fight for the relationship ferociously.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2024-10-07T13:27:13+00:00

And think people on PPD still get confused with difference between “settling down” and being settled for.

Just like they get confused with the idea of picked, when it’s “we chose each other”.

berichorbeburied · 2024-10-07T01:05:00+00:00

I’d rather be settled for

I don’t really value all of this as I understand how it works

Essentially and you would only be “picked” for how valuable you are or how you can benefit them or how desirable you are

So it is of no inherent value about how you get to the finish line

I will not be truly loved either way

So idc

I’d rather be settled for by someone I want

Then picked for by someone I don’t want

rustlerhuskyjeans · 2024-10-07T05:29:14+00:00

Whatever gets me the girl I’m more attracted to, which I would assume is being settled on. If relationship lasts longer than 3 months, I don’t think picked or settled is going to matter that much.

Only-Plate590 · 2024-10-07T07:21:08+00:00

Defintely picked - settled would be unacceptable.

Do we assume people who are settled for know they are settled for?

IdiAminD · 2024-10-07T08:37:42+00:00

I would prefer being picked - but by girl who values practical aspects of relationship, like she genuinely appreciates education, ability to make money, being good with doing household chores, cooking, ability to compromise etc. Women who are only into physical aspect or some quirk won't make me happy, even if this fascination would be genuine - I want to be appreciated for things I personally value and I really value people who are putting effort. I hate cluttered space, I do not like to live on budget - I've once stopped dating quite good looking girl when I saw her room, it was disgusting that someone can live in such space, I've imagined myself surrounded by this mess on daily basis and it was a horror.

izzzy12k · 2024-10-07T16:02:50+00:00

It's better to be picked.

The only real way to be settled for (in my opinion) is if you were chasing for a long time and your number finally comes up..

but only after you were passed up by others who simply stepped in front of you in the past.

If you are being settled for, she's likely going to resent that notion later over time.. as the desire just isn't going to be genuine, and you'll really have to work hard with other means to keep her.. If at all.

There's a huge likelihood that she would end up feeling unhappy and ultimately resort to infidelity.

obviousredflag · 2024-10-07T17:32:41+00:00

Under the following premises:

-If you’re picked, it might take a long time or may not happen at all. But you have your sanity and mental health intact.

How would that be a premise? This is only how it works for the picker-side, not the picked-side.

The much more interesting aspect is: if you are picked by a picky partner, then the partner is probably below you in desirability, because you are that perfect for them. If you are settled for, your partner is more desirable than you.

I'd rather be settled for by a more desirable partner, than be picked by someone below me.

kvakerok_v2 · 2024-10-07T18:37:41+00:00

Obviously picked. Even better if it's a high value woman.

As to why - it's nice to have your value recognized.

TallFoundation7635 · 2024-10-07T18:41:22+00:00

I would rather a woman have burning desire for me, hence the red pill flair because only that can help me with the advice.

Ok-Dust-4156 · 2024-10-08T10:41:55+00:00

"Picked" means that you're best option from many. Being settled for means you're only actual option she has. So being "picked up" is better and it's better to stay single than being settled for.

Bitter-Hat-4736 · 2024-10-08T17:56:22+00:00

I would rather be picked, obviously. But it's also like asking if you want to be a millionaire or a billionaire. I'd want to be a billionaire, but honestly neither is going to actually happen.

Throwaway26702008 · 2024-10-08T21:08:32+00:00

Settled but only if they consider it picking

Bro_with_a_fro13 · 2024-10-08T21:19:22+00:00

I would rather be picked because I would want my partner to desire me as much as I desire them. Instead of finding out that I was my partner second choice.. Speaking from personal experience, that’s such a shitty feeling to go through and I rather be alone than settled for

Grow_peace_in_Bedlam · 2024-10-09T00:47:23+00:00

I really don't see any benefit to being settled for, at least not in the long run. Then again, I feel I was picked, since my wife was strongly physically attracted to me when we first met (we still are, even though we could definitely lose a few pounds), so that's hindsight.

I feel like being settled for is the last resort option if nobody enthusiastically picks you. I would hate to be in a marriage with a woman who doesn't want my body. With the accumulation of adult responsibilities (especially after becoming parents), making time and space for sex is hard enough even with attraction. If I had let myself be settled for, I suspect that I would be in a DB right now.

Unable_Evidence_4028 · 2024-10-09T01:05:09+00:00

Anything that rewards me with sexual satisfaction.

There are times where each is better, but as long as the supply of sex is valid? either way is fine as long as the supply is steady and satisfying.

I just find that the "settled for" usually does not supply the "steady sexual supply" I need.

Livid-Log7463 · 2024-10-09T18:23:53+00:00

Picked, but it isn’t a matter of because one would rather one option the other is now unacceptable. It’d be like saying would you rather receive a million dollars or a hundred thousand dollars, if you can’t have the million you don’t just refuse the 100k because it’s still far better to one of them than nothing.

just_a_place · 2024-10-10T05:40:29+00:00

Picked.

Because "settled for" is code which means she rode the cock carousel and thinks you're that fucking clown that is too spineless - which she resents - to ever say no to her, so she can basically use your ass like a servant.

-If you’re picked, it might take a long time or may not happen at all (we are ok with this). But you have your sanity and mental health intact (Definitely worth staying alone to preserve these).

Your question basically answers itself.

TheNattyJew · 2024-10-07T01:03:20+00:00

Most of us settle for the ones that pick us. We take the best option we can get that is available to us at the time we want to get married or get into a LTR

Wanderingwombat1902 · 2024-10-07T00:39:44+00:00

No one wants to be “settled for” in theory but also I don’t see it as this horrible thing. In fact, I think it’s a good thing.

People can grow to like each other. The idea that you comb through the world’s population to find the one person that’s right for you is a fallacy, bordering on delusion.

People fall in love with who’s in front of them. They get to know each other. And the relationship grows. Maybe he’s not Mr. Perfect. So what? In what other area of your life are you aiming for perfection?

If you get along with him well and find him decently attractive then why not? Why wait for something better? You might be waiting forever.

Barely-moral · 2024-10-07T02:29:01+00:00

If you’re picked, it might take a long time or may not happen at all. But you have your sanity and mental health intact.

Unrealistic scenario. When alone I want to kill myself. Of it was realistic I would pick this one just because it comes with lack of suicidal thoughts.

If you’re settled for, it happens quickly. But you inevitably find out your partner settled for you in some way and your confidence and self worth may be affected.

Unrealistic scenario. I don't have any confidence nor sense of self worth to be affected. This one is the one I would pick in real life.

Steakman1 · 2024-10-07T03:00:11+00:00

I don’t think anyone wants to be settled for. The issue is that the perceived minimum in order to possibly be picked is way too high.

shadowrangerfs · 2024-10-07T10:15:32+00:00

If you know you've been settled for, that gives you some power in the relationship. You know your partner can't do any better so they have to keep you satisfied.

Savings-Bee-4993 · 2024-10-07T01:31:49+00:00

Of course I’d rather be picked.

But let’s be honest: no one out here is getting their ideal partner. No one is perfect. Everyone settles in some way. The question is how many things do you settle for before you become a “settler.”

mobjack · 2024-10-07T01:56:21+00:00

Settled for.

I prefer to date a woman above my league than below it.

BearSpray007 · 2024-10-07T03:15:40+00:00

Is this actually a real question?

Title	Would you rather be “picked” or settled for?
Author	missionglowup
Upvotes	32
Comments	194
Date	October 7, 2024 12:20 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1fxuyu4/would_you_rather_be_picked_or_settled_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/would-you-rather-be-picked-or-settled-for.1532304 https://theredarchive.com/post/1532304

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