People angry at the term “Emotional Labor” have never cared for people.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2025-08-25T14:25:26+00:00

The best advice I can give anyone regardless of gender is walk away if someone is abusing your niceness.

A relationship is ment to enhance your life not make it worse.

It’s something I have been talking to my oldest son about a lot over the last 18 months and he has luckily worked it out and has walked away from women showing toxic signs and is now with an amazing girl and very happy.

PoeticMoose619 · 2025-08-25T13:42:12+00:00

I've seen the term "emotional labor" floating around. I Googled it, and the first definition was:

"The mental activity required to manage or perform the routine tasks necessary for maintaining relationships and ensuring smooth running of a household or process, typically regarded as an unappreciated or unacknowledged burden borne disproportionately by women."

Is this your definition of that term? If not, how does your definition differ?

krackedy · 2025-08-25T13:25:14+00:00

It's a valid term that often gets weaponized in situations where it shouldn't be, like all "therapy-speak".

RedPillDad · 2025-08-25T13:46:29+00:00

Strange to reframe 'acts of love' into an unwanted burden. Negative language intended to discourage that behavior. Will a mother's unwavering love for her child now be termed 'emotional enslavement'?

IridikronsNo1Fan · 2025-08-25T13:40:12+00:00

I thought women wanted men to be "emotionally available" and talk about their feelings and stuff? Can y'all make up your minds already?

If you don't want to talk about emotions and shit, fine, I don't want to talk about them either. Just don't complain about it when I'm having fun drinking beer and playing video games instead of talking to you.

experienta · 2025-08-25T13:50:48+00:00

The problem is the term has expanded so much and it's used in so many different ways nobody knows what the fuck it means anymore. I heard ppl say it means acting like a therapist for your partner, which would make sense considering it's called "emotional labor", but there's others that say it also means making reservations or grocery lists, and I have no idea what any of that has to do with "emotions". That's just.. labor.

Etymology aside, I do find it ironic how men have provided "emotional labor" to women since the dawn of mankind by listening to their random venting every other day, having to provide constant reassurances etc etc, but once the roles gets reserved a bit and the man starts venting about something in their life now it's a greek tragedy and they need a new therapy speak term for it to illustrate just how horrible it is to have to provide emotional support to your partner.

RahLyt · 2025-08-25T14:17:30+00:00

I don't like the term because the term is somehow gendered lol.

Its also funny how women believe they do the most emotional labour in relationships.

We live in a society where women are allowed to be dysfunctional. Where a lot will openly say I want a a men to put me in my place (basically outsourcing nervous system regulation), where a lot won't be able to decide anything (this is usually trauma, it usually happens when a child is punished for whatever choice they made)(and one of the many dysfunctions women wear as a personality quirk), many will be rude if they feel hurt (most never learn to regulate their emotions, since they believe their emotions = truth).

As a man in a relationship you have expectations and no benefits. You have to listen to her rambling/rants about work everyday and you know can't help her strategize because if you mention something she needs to change, now she takes it as a personal attack (Modern women can't introspect, due to victimhood = status in 2025 and a because of a collective gaslighting deflection dance). So they're doomed trying to get their emotional needs met forever, since someone need to fuel into their delusion for that to happen.

Lol so every men just learns to manoeuvre around the dysfunction (we all know a lot of the behaviour makes no sense but even we gaslighted ourselves) but modern women that are in most part openly dysregulated convinced themselves they are keeping the emotional balance?

grown_folks_talkin · 2025-08-25T16:49:20+00:00

I’m upset that term was hijacked from its original use — referring to the emotions we put on at work, whether in office jobs, customer service, medical field, what-have-you.

And also if we’re going to bastardize it, that it doesn’t include being the “emotional rock” expectations put upon most men in het relationships. There are equivalent fair or unfair expectations for women as well in relationships but I really wish “emotional labor” was confined to workplace stuff because it’s worth the attention there too.

LofiStarforge · 2025-08-25T14:18:23+00:00

People can complain about whatever you want to complain about.

This is the strawmen of all strawmen.

What are the actual real consequences for simply complaining.

cavinaugh1234 · 2025-08-25T15:46:17+00:00

I care for my elderly parents, but I'm a man. I will be there for them at a whim, even if it's simply to adjust their phone when it was accidentally set to silent mode. I'll drive them to doctors appointments, take them grocery shopping, mow their lawn, bring in handymen for repairs, anything. All this while working a full time job (I don't have kids). A lot of this is more than emotional labour, it's actual labour and a lot of time taken out of my free time.

But I don't complain. I see it as a duty to care about the people who have raised me to the best of their abilities, and it brings me pride and fulfilment that I am needed and that I can be of service to people who really depend on me.

The idea of emotional labour carries a lot of negative baggage and it needs a change of perspective and context. I mean, it's not like I HAVE to be there for my elderly parents, but I'm not interested in being a selfish and unreliable asshole of a son.

AlmostKindaGreat · 2025-08-25T18:57:46+00:00

Emotional labor is just a two word term to explain “youre exhausting to be around and youre nowhere near as reliable as you expect me to be for you”

That's your definition. If you narrowly define the term as this then I basically agree with you. The problem is that not everyone agrees with your definition. You're criticizing people (or only men?) for merely recognizing how others use the term nowadays, which is not their doing at all.

What it used to mean

Personally, I think "emotional labor" was a fairly useful term when it described an additional emotionally taxing burden in the workplace. It's worth acknowledging this when it's happening to someone. And the word "labor" is appropriate because it's connected to paid work.

It doesn't mean that anymore

The problem is that the term has ballooned to include any kind of emotional, or emotional adjacent, effort in one's personal life as well. These days you see offering emotional support or listening to a partner's problems characterized as "emotional labor". Here on PPD I've seen women describe it as those things, remembering birthdays or other events, doing little favors, or reminding someone of something. Literally any expression of kindness or consideration, no matter how tiny, falls under this huge umbrella term.

I can't express how incredibly toxic and love destroying this term is, at least in its current usage.

Suddenly just offering basic emotional support or doing anything kind in a relationship is "labor" and has expectation of compensation attached to it. This type of transactional thinking and scorekeeping is just about the most destructive and toxic concept that could be introduced into a relationship. Every minute of comforting someone, listening, understanding, or doing something kind is not just given freely. Instead it's mentally tallied on an invoice to extract payment later, or expect payment and become resentful if it's not delivered according to one's completely subjective evaluation.

I don't like the term anymore and neither should you

So yes, I am angry at the term, as it is used today. You should be too. Everyone who believes in loving relationships should be angry at the term. It was fine when it applied to actual labor. Maybe it was also fine when it only applied in personal relationships when a person was particularly emotionally draining, though I think that's still dangerous. Regardless, it doesn't mean that anymore.

As it stands, if someone you're dating or in a relationship with uses this term you should run away as fast as you can. This person has a scoreboard in their head. When a person keeps score in a relationship the other person is always losing, big time. Run away.

OtPayOkerSmay · 2025-08-25T15:05:34+00:00

It's a fairly empty buzzphrase that plays into the latest "women oppressed" theatre of the culture it. It seems to imply that it's only women being therapists for men, when we often see that women often require a lot of emotional upkeep compared to men.

The reality is that a relationship involves two people being emotionally there for one another. If you don't want to do emotional labor, don't get into relationships.

ResponsibilityAny217 · 2025-08-25T14:50:48+00:00

I genuinely don't like doing emotional labor/ emotional support I don't like it for children, men or women its very annoying.

but I do it bc I know I like it when its done for me (to have a friend u must be a friend) and I know that that venting and being a sounding bard is important to fostering a relationship + bonding+ growth.

So more pro's to doing it than cons

However if I'm doing it for someone and they won't reciprocate I just don't want to do it anymore or if I don't need to foster a relationship with someone then I don't want to use that tool.

Edit : meant don't want to use that tool if unnecessary

BurbNBougie · 2025-08-25T15:58:03+00:00

I say something that makes this quite easy. Pour into the ppl who pour into you. This takes gender out of it. And it works no matter the relationship. Stop giving giving giving to ppl or organizations when there's no reciprocity. BAM! Problem solved.

flipsidetroll · 2025-08-25T13:38:36+00:00

I didn’t see it as labour, But I think I agree with you. When we are forced to pander to the other person who acts hypocritically (rules for thee but not for me) it starts to feel like hard work ie labour. Most relationships are between givers and takers. And that’s not a bad thing. It’s bad only when the taker takes so much they emotionally destroy the giver.

LillthOfBabylon · 2025-08-25T15:24:06+00:00

Love is 100% giving and 0% taking. When you grow up and have a healthy marriage and a healthy family, you won’t even be keeping score anymore and you’ll see what I mean. But I doubt most of these women will ever get to that point.

TempDong · 2025-08-25T16:05:53+00:00

youre exhausting to be around and youre nowhere near as reliable as you expect me to be for you

The problem with "emotional labor" is the term was popularized by feminists who wanted to highlight how much "unseen work" women do for their male partners. Unseen work is something that happens in relationships and it is worth pointing out, so I didn't really disagree with that definition for a while.

However, that changed now that I've been in relationships. As a competent, non-manchild with family and friends who are the same, the real emotional labor is men having to deal with the constant anxiety, stress, and "moods" of their female partners. Every single straight couple I know and every single relationship I've been in, the woman has been way less emotionally resilient than the man.

Some minor mishap happens? The woman shuts down and half their day is ruined. Literally nothing going on and their lives going great? The woman will find something to stress about. The stress is never anything real - one of my exes would constantly stress about "if she will get fired" literal days after being told by her friendly, honest manager that she's doing great and on track for promotion. My friend's ex would stress about her room not being "clean enough" when it was just slightly messy, and then wouldn't actually fucking clean it.

The worst part it, every single woman I've ever come across is like this, so if you want to be in a relationship as a straight guy, you have to be willing to put up with it. So while I don't think I'm angry about the term "emotional labor", I do think my "definition" is way more common and way more overlooked than the feminist definition.

Clutterboxx · 2025-08-25T14:27:25+00:00

Women will frame any occurrence in a relationship which isn't self serving as an actual job deserving of financial compensation. I don't think I've seen a form of blatant narcissism like this before. It's bad enough to frame cleaning your own house and raising your own kids as unpaid labour now liberal women want to get paid for listening to the man they chose to date and marry when he has a bad day.

chill-hai-yaar · 2025-08-25T14:19:16+00:00

it's only labor if you think you settled for your partner. otherwise it's effortless

anonymousppd123123 · 2025-08-25T14:13:22+00:00

women are the cost center of emotional labor

S0yslut · 2025-08-25T16:31:39+00:00

Just because emotional labor is commonly used by extremely liberal women doesnt make the concept invalid.

It actually does because it is a scientific fact that women have functionally different brains than men and have more mood fluctuations due to hormones. So the mere fact that women are the only ones complaining about emotional labor isn’t as self aware as you think.

It makes you wonder if the people over using those terms ever show any grace to their partners when you know they without a doubt have been emotional burdens as well. Most people are starting to assume you don’t, because of how the term is over used and used inappropriately. Typically those people create toxic dynamics in their relationships.

People who have actually cared for others understand how exhausting it can be

I was a social worker for a decade and I never used that term to excuse myself from my supportive duties at work or home. Even when I was feeling fatigued. It’s called have patience and separating work from home. Your partners have nothing to do with your frustration from work. The more you regulate your emotions the easier it gets.

Flightlessbirbz · 2025-08-25T16:51:09+00:00

I have definitely seen the term used in ways that make me roll my eyes a bit before, but yeah. Emotional labor is very real thing, and people sometimes misusing it doesn’t change that fact. The term was coined by customer service workers, and keeping that in mind, it all makes sense. It’s not just “dealing with emotions,” it’s having to manage other people’s emotions at the expense of your own needs. Over and over.

Listening to your partner with empathy when they have had a bad day =/= emotional labor, especially if they do the same for you. Trying to smooth over a cranky husband, a crying child, and a snarky mother-in-law all at the same time while having to keep a smile on your face even though you are dealing with killer cramps and a headache, just to avoid making everything worse = emotional labor.

bluestjuice · 2025-08-25T17:59:52+00:00

It seems pretty clear from the comments that a sizable chunk of people only use the word ‘labor’ for onerous things they would rather not do.

Extra_Performer4001 · 2025-08-25T19:52:13+00:00

Problem is its quantified by the person who has the emotions and big feelings dont reflect big heavy loads of work. Worst thing is coming home from work keel over hungry and having to come home to one upmanship instead of dinner, and its like "i had to clean one of your mustache hairs out of the sink" type bullcrap

DecantsForAll · 2025-08-25T22:03:23+00:00

It's a word that seems like it's trying to make your personal shit other people's problem, like society owes you some reward for doing "emotional labor."

User459735 · 2025-08-25T13:37:42+00:00

My problem with this is liberals can't have it both ways.

You can't rant and rail about "unpaid emotional labor" and then when people start telling all their problems to AI, call them out on that too. They heard you loud and clear, so instead of dumping their problems on you, they turned to a chatbot. But liberals take issue with that and say how it's destroying humanity and all this overblown stuff. These people are never satisfied!

Past-Shoulder-631 · 2025-08-25T13:18:50+00:00

If you see the act of being kind and comforting towards your partner as emotional labour then you shouldn’t be in a relationship. You are not a loving warm nurturing woman that men crave

Maleficent-Bottle674 · 2025-08-25T18:21:30+00:00

Men don't see emotional labor because they see being with a woman as labor itself. Very few men actually like, value, and respect women and even less are capable of loving women. For me in a relationship is like a job in sex is the paycheck they see being with a woman as a hassle slush obstacle / burden they have to. Thus emotional labor doesn't make sense to them because to them being with a woman is bothersome labor itself. Men aren't joking when they complain about women talking stating its nagging.

Men don't see the emotional labor of having to be the one who makes the grocery list, schedule the doctor's appointments, listen to him that because he doesn't have much friends / family / doesn't go to therapy.

Men don't see the day today child care and household chores and maintaining it.

Men don't see having to remind him of his one chore or having to remind him of picking up his kid from the weekly activity that child does.

And don't see any of these daily life / parenting / household maintenance work as emotional labor because they truly think it's what women should be doing. Men are joking when they talk about how they want respect and for her to be obedient/submissive. In men's mind the woman should take care of all of that work and he is doing her a favor by tolerating her. The vast majority of men will never acknowledge the wide gap between the child care and chores that women do versus what men do.

There's a reason why every single man in these comments is stating that women don't have empathy in aren't capable of love because they're complaining about the emotional labor. Notice how men are talking about how they do emotional labor too AKA chores, parenting, scheduling, maintaining. Instead the only comment talking about emotional labor is him complaining about having to listen to his wife. 😐

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babazuki · 2025-08-25T18:15:11+00:00

Weak and selfish people consider it a burden to help out someone else. Strong people feel no exhaustion, they don't call it a burden. Doesn't matter if it's a physical task or "emotional" or whatever. Women use the term a lot because they are weak and only children should be going to them for assistance. Equality is a joke

Youcbah · 2025-08-25T18:24:52+00:00

Banger

Tylikcat · 2025-08-25T18:37:57+00:00

I'd substitute "taken care of" for "cared for" in your title - "cared for" can be an emotional state that doesn't actually involve doing anything.

UnfurtletDawn · 2025-08-25T19:23:55+00:00

Emotional labor is at work where you have to put on a smile in front of coworkers and customers no matter what you are dealing with.

And even with your own example. The men at least point out the specifics, while just claiming "I have to do emotional labor" and then not even saying what it is tells that you don't do crap.

Look at men's contains, many of them are jokes now. The "I am fine" from girlfriends and wives are very common jokes.

Trancetastic16 · 2025-08-25T19:29:11+00:00

Support towards partners is important, as well as doing each other’s best to understand when certain elements of your mental health are not fully able for your partner to assist you with yet until you both seek extra guidance from therapy.

But all things in moderation, including moderation, and some partners may personally feel their venting that is mentally dwelling on the situation is simply emotional labor when it is causing extra distress and inability to help one another for both partners.

It’s all about the couples strengths and flaws to determine what they can change as flawed behaviours to help each other grow from and some recent experts have been contributing to the unhealthy culture with their extreme and sexist Opinion pieces instead of focusing on real data to be used for activism for support services including for couples counselling, etc. to repair the unhealthy dating culture that the term “emotional labor” is worsening, rather than “mutual love and support as adults, best friends and romantic partners” instead.

Opening-Ad-6756 · 2025-08-25T21:18:58+00:00

It is a valid concept, the issue is you guys misuse the term. Emotional labor is, according to Wikipedia, "the act of managing one's own emotions and the emotions of others to meet job or relationship expectations. It requires the capacity to manage and produce a feeling to fulfill the emotional requirements of a job." For example a waiter pretending to be in a good mood and like the people they're serving is emotional labor.

Emotional labor is just a two word term to explain “youre exhausting to be around and youre nowhere near as reliable as you expect me to be for you” but apparently women having a limit for acting like a man’s mommy is proving “women arent empathetic at all!”.

What you're describing isn't emotional labor. There's no labor involved. There's no emotional regulation involved. There's no term for what you're describing because anyone with half a brain and a healthy attachment style will simply not be around someone that didn't like them or care about them. There's no need for a term to describe people not liking other people but still hanging around them for some reason.

The reason people hate the common usage of emotional labor is simple, it's usually an excuse for the most selfish people you know to justify their selfishness. If you actually have care for other people you should know it's no exhausting to take care of loved ones, and if it is you might just be a selfish asshole. Like remembering to call my friend who just went through and ugly breakup isn't labor, it's something I do because I care about them.

onlyaseeker · 2025-08-26T12:55:58+00:00

The most emotional labour I have done for any human being has been for women.

Women in particular are very liberal with trauma dumping.

I had to leave friendships with people I cared about to escape from women who had no clue what they were doing was problematic. And not just one or two.

And I think they knew it was problematic. But they kept doing it.

Women aren't good at managing these situations. The core issue is a lack of self-mastery, which manifests as selfishness and either a lack of self awareness or denial.

throwawaypi123 · 2025-08-26T15:04:17+00:00

wtf is emotional labour. Worrying about something doesnt constitute work in any meaningful way and physically having to call the doctors for appointments for the kids and keeping track of birthdays and family relationships is actual labour, Just like doing the dishes. So what is "emotional labour" actually covering, Unless it is being used to say that other people should assuage your worries?

CorpsePoison · 2025-08-26T19:33:21+00:00

Usually when emotional labour is brought up it’s part of ‘keeping score’ in a relationship, and usually by the point where emotional labour is being tallied up people are scraping the bottom of the barrel for new grievances.

Sadismx · 2025-08-27T03:47:31+00:00

Women think that just because they invented the term that we must not have to deal with the same premise nonstop, they don’t bring up the term to better communicate, but to reference how much work they do and therefore deserve more, without even thinking all the emotional labor we do without even mentioning it

When women need reassurance or emotional depth out of us it counts against us, but that situation is asking us to do emotional labor, so I think most people would agree we’re doing ten times the emotional labor that our partners do, but in the rare moments when we need it the other way around it still counts against us, somehow the supposedly more emotionally intelligent person can’t do a fraction of the emotional labor without feeling ripped off, every situation is worded in a way for women to try to leverage more and more out of the relationship

toad-wrangler · 2025-08-27T04:12:24+00:00

I don't think the concept is invalid, but if someone chooses to stay in a relationship in which they are required to do all of the emotional labor, then I don't want to listen to them complain about it as if it's being done to them.

The argument that has been made to me is that being alone is intolerable, therefore emotional labor must be shared. But that's not how life works for everyone- that's how those individuals feel about their own lives.

The concept is valid, but the responsibility of finding a partner who will share emotional labor is on you if that's what you want. If you it's a must, and you're with someone who doesn't want to do that, you need to leave them, not complain about how they aren't the person you want them to be.

Mr_KenSpeckle · 2025-08-28T17:43:51+00:00

Most of the time when I have heard the term emotional labor used, it's women being neurotic about some shit that doesn't matter and then being upset that the men in their lives are not equally fixated on whatever it is.

No-Mulberry7538 · 2025-08-25T13:51:12+00:00

It's a highly over-used term, based off of subjective data from mainly self-reported studies, and has been disconnected from its original meaning and intent. There is nuance in a relationship, and a really good couples therapist will figure it out within the triadic relationship of what is perception and reality. A good example of this is the show Couples Therapy.

ctrl_f_sauce · 2025-08-25T14:37:23+00:00

Like everything, there is nuance. Many men weaponized incompetence after women weaponized acceptable standards. “Sure, you did the laundry, but you didn’t clear the mail off of the top of the dresser? I should just do it myself.” This may be an extreme example, but it’s realistic over a years long relationship. On the flip side there are men who consider putting clothes near the washing machine to be “helping with the laundry” because that’s what their mommy expected.

The problem with emotional labor is that it’s the equivalent of the term gold digger. We’re all guilty of desiring it if we let our walls down. No woman desires a relationship where every outing or expense is Dutch. Where if he puts his batteries in her smoke detector she immediately order batteries to be sent to his place. Which is the only way to avoid some benefit at some point of a man’s gold.

Emotional labor is even worse though. Imagine going Dutch, then the man claims you’re a gold digger because he only went to the restaurant and split a pizza because he thought it would please you. Now he thinks you’re a gold digger because he has access to uncrustables. I have seen men tell a funny story about their work day and their Dwight-like coworker, or talk about how their kid loved their 1st day of school, then walk away only to hear the woman claim “he wants to dump his drama on me.” The entire time the man was smiling and laughing and at no point was he confronted with a decision that needed to be made. Many (not all) women have labeled “talking about daily life and not media” as emotional labor. Occasionally I may need someone to remind me that my mom is just a human with flaws. I understand that conversation can be exhausting. I just don’t understand how if you call my phone and ask me what I did today, and I tell you, “My friend forgot we were having lunch together, so I went to the pizza place I have been wanting to try.” That can be twisted into emotional debt. You called me, you asked me. I was fine before I knew you, I’ll be fine when you’re gone. You’re not a therapist, you’re a human just like my mom.

Logos1789 · 2025-08-25T13:22:04+00:00

Valid as it may be sometimes, it’s exploited to basically not care about men’s issues and to cop out of difficult conversations.

Women need to get the f over the fact that interpersonal issues are to be resolved between the individuals involved, not between each individual and their therapists.

Top_Ingenuity6052 · 2025-08-25T13:24:17+00:00

Men absolutely are not allowed to complain about their emotional labor. This is ridiculous.

Women inundating men with idiotic questions like “would you love me if I were a worm” is a perfect example. This question is solely designed to make a man tap dance for a woman emotionally, to express in a performative way his undying affection that will satisfy her narcissism. It’s almost impossible to imagine a world where women would tolerate this stupidity from men.

Because women will not do any actual work for men, and jump ship the moment a relationship actually does require work and kids aren’t involved.

LillthOfBabylon · 2025-08-25T13:21:04+00:00

For the first time in agree with u , emotional labour is very of putting if u are the only one doing it and your partner doesn't.

But then again most men now a days put more emotional labour then women. Most women only put emotional labour for chads not your avg men

Title	People angry at the term “Emotional Labor” have never cared for people.
Author	LillthOfBabylon
Upvotes	33
Comments	292
Date	August 25, 2025 1:15 PM UTC (10 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1mzq6ut/people_angry_at_the_term_emotional_labor_have/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/people-angry-at-the-term-emotional-labor-have.1560442 https://theredarchive.com/post/1560442

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