The Past Does Matter.

catchtowards12345 · 2024-01-19T20:05:57+00:00

Do not post N-count threads outside of the general.

Nellylocheadbean · 2024-01-19T19:14:52+00:00

If you believe past matters then you have every right to filter women based on that criteria. You can reject anyone based on anything no matter how shallow or weird it is.

obviousredflag · 2024-01-19T18:43:06+00:00

Dude, you can pick and reject women for whatever reasons you like. People will not have a problem with that unless you also attach a moral judgment on people with a past that you don't like and publicly "shame" those people. I am pretty sure a lot of women also reject you based on your past, be that many or few sexual partners.

There is no arguing over what other people should or should not accept in a partner regarding their past. It's an individuall decision and preference.

raldabos · 2024-01-19T17:40:25+00:00

The Past matters if you want to otherwise you're free to ignore it. Just don't be a hypocrite about it (i.e It's fine if women are promiscous but men being virgin is a red flag)

fiftypoundpuppy · 2024-01-19T18:09:39+00:00

Oh FFS reject anyone for whatever reason you want. I just don't want to hear about how lonely you are because of your standards, and don't use disparaging language regarding people who don't meet them.

And the most important point - don't expect to air your standards in public and expect to be immune from criticism. Men constantly conflate "disagreement/pushback" with "not being allowed," as if people on the Internet can force them to date people they don't want to date.

AceOfSpadesGymBro3 · 2024-01-19T19:11:34+00:00

I want you to think about this. Let's say you judge a woman for having more sex than you would have liked her. Well, she has as much right to judge you if you were a loser I'm high school and haven't dated much. Because these are potentially indicators that something is wrong with you and she doesn't want to mix her genes with someone like you. Just a hypothetical example.

MidoriEgg · 2024-01-19T18:12:03+00:00

If someone’s sexual past makes them incompatible for you as a partner, that’s fine, but people in general shouldn’t have sweeping generalisations made about them/be insulted/shamed by people who aren’t potential partners for it. I don’t think I would personally date a man who is a virgin, but that doesn’t mean I can be rude to him about his sexual experience or make assumptions about him just based on that

Demasii · 2024-01-19T18:58:45+00:00

but if she had one too many one night flings, then forgive and forget?, or else it’s “slut shaming” or your “insecure” am I missing something?

It's all about framing. Men tend to frame the breakdown of a relationship as problem that was caused by the woman and that the man was betrayed.

There is nothing to forgive. They were not compatible in their values. Simple as that. It is unreasonably insecure to be upset about past people who are not in the current picture.

People who suggest men to "forgive" their partner is doing a disservice for the women.

Makuta_Servaela · 2024-01-19T18:54:31+00:00

The important thing is not the past, it is the ability to learn, both as an individual and as a society. The vast majority of these sorts of things are either not inherently harmful (their harm being caused by outside forces) or their harm can be fixed. Only some of them are negative values that can't be trained out (like the interest of rape- rapists generally can't be trained) or that we can fix as a culture. Sure, a kid would get shamed now for his mom being in a porn video, and 50 years ago a kid would get shamed the same amount for his parents being different races. 10 years ago (and still in many places today) a kid would get shamed for his parents being same-sex attracted or having a single parent.

The kid would get shamed the same if his mom chose to do porn or chose to adopt him. The middle-school kid would get shamed the same if his mom hooked up with his friend's mom as he would if his mom walks him to school everyday.

The idea that kids bullying you because your parents happen to enjoy something- whether that be your dad marrying a man or your dad sleeping with your friend's mom- doesn't mean that thing is inherently bad. It just means that kids are very competitive and will find anything they can find to not be considered the low-end of the totem pole, which includes finding everything from parental love to parent's past choice to brand of lunchbox or lack of interest in the latest meme to be a sign of shame.

if you cheat it’s over, if you lie (depending on the lie) it’s over, if you get aggressive it’s over, if you become neglectful it’s over,

All of these are things that directly effect your current partner and are not relevant to you previously happening to have a libido. Also, cheating is a problem because it is specifically betraying your partner's trust. The problem with cheating is irrelevant to sex (even poly people can be hurt by cheating).

but if she had one too many one night flings, then forgive and forget?, or else it’s “slut shaming” or your “insecure” am I missing something?

Yes and no: Yes, it's pretty insecure to be mad at someone for having a life before they knew you existed or had anything to do with you. No, if there were aspects that directly effect you (Like she has a child from those flings and you don't want kids, if she is non-monogamous with no interest in monogamy in general and you are monogamous, etc).

If a man had a history of sleeping around, women can also choose to terminate the relationship

Tbf, I do think anyone has the right to terminate the relationship for any reason. I also think that men or women feeling so butthurt that their partner had a life before the relationship started is stupid.

Slipthe · 2024-01-19T17:55:42+00:00

What do you think is more likely?

A woman is attracted to a man, has sex with him, and ends the relationship when she discovers he was a virgin.

Or a man is attracted to a woman, has sex with her, and ends the relationship when he discovers she had a threesome.

MyLastBestChance · 2024-01-19T18:43:17+00:00

Have whatever preferences you want but please let go of the idea that you have a stake in “forgiving” someone for their personal sexual history before they were in a relationship with you. Nobody wronged you, you literally had nothing to do with it and it’s incredibly arrogant and delusional to think that they have anything to apologize to you for or that you have any right to “forgive”🙄

KaleidoscopeOk9162 · 2024-01-19T18:08:10+00:00

We can only forgive something bad that was done to us. How can someone else’s past be something we have the right to forgive? Let alone if it’s something entirely legal as consensual sex? I admit I felt frustrated for not having easy access to sex, and seeing how fast girls could get it made me jealous when I was a teenager, but I met several women with a significant n count who were far better human beings than some embittered prudes.

AlmostKindaGreat · 2024-01-19T18:07:53+00:00

I never know what these kinds of posts are asking us. If it matters to you then fine, it matters to you. I hope you find someone who matches what you're looking for. If I'm reading this right you're not being a hypocrite about it. That would be my only complaint.

It doesn't matter much at all to me. Hopefully you can accept that too.

TermAggravating8043 · 2024-01-19T17:46:57+00:00

Without being rude, how many people/woman/couples are actually out there doing threeesomes/gangbangs and porn? Or Is this not just an inflated argument?

A persons past is important depending n what it is, your far more likely to meet someone with a record or who’s on a register than you are to meet someone who did porn. You don’t want to date a pornstar? That’s ok, although it’s highly unlikely you’ll ever meet one. Most people have an average sexual body count of 6, so this fantasy that every woman has a 100+ body count is just nonsense as it is offensive.

Also, if a person enjoyed doing porn/(insert whatever kink here) it’s likely they’ll continue

Let’s stop trying to pretend this is not a means to control woman

h1shman · 2024-01-19T17:58:55+00:00

I avoid high n woman but I also understand the hangup people have about it.

The past mattering, in regards to sex, means that a woman having sex is seen as a bad thing. Women have been shamed out of sleeping around for all of recorded history. The reason does not matter that’s just a simple truth.

The pushback comes from today because we know sex is not inherently a bad thing outside of religion (which most people are not devout followers and sin daily) It being a bad thing comes from our social structure which in this case allows men to do it but not women. The hang up is with the fact it’s only seen as bad when women do it.

Edit: It’s ok to view casual sex as a bad thing. The consequences being STDs and unplanned pregnancy, both are objectively undesirable. However the consequences for men and women are the same. You’ve both become parents. This still doesn’t allow you to only view it as bad for women but not men.

MistyMaisel · 2024-01-19T18:21:15+00:00

I think I've said something like this on ex red-pill so you can look there, but:

Look, first and foremost, everyone you will ever date is going to have baggage. You have baggage, I have baggage, we all have baggage. And most of it originates in our formative years and then we just keep carrying it and adding to it. So it is best to make peace with that ahead of time.

Next, when it comes to sexual history (a kind of baggage so to speak), having it can be as bad as not having it. As you can see from this saloon we're in, not having sexual history often poisons the hearts and minds of people as much as having one would. Nextly, having say a medium amount of sex is no less likely to cause baggage, right. Most of the people I've ever met have a pretty normal amount of partners/sex, and they're generally as fucked up about relationships and sex as the poison hearted virgins and the hoes. After all, a lot of that sex can be not great, it can be uncomfortable/experimental, it can include coercion, and so on. The idea there's some right amount of sex and partners is just often not super realistic based on what we see in the baggage sense, right?

I think the next question and it, to me, is the most important question, is why do you care about the sexual baggage of your partner? I'm going to assume the answer is because you want to have a happy, healthy, long relationship which is fulfilling.

Well, this is what I have to leave you with ultimately. It has been my observation, intuition, and reading that the couples who have happy, healthy, long relationships which are fulfilling tend to be very high on the following traits: forgiveness, mercy, empathy, understanding, compromise, self-sacrifice, and the ability to allow each other to grow and change without holding a record of wrongs, and to meet each other where they're at day after day.

Now, obviously it is up to you what kind of baggage of any kind you can do that with. And if your answer is: I can't deal with anyone who has done x, y, or z. That's fine. But, keep in mind, this is again, just logic, people are going to judge you and apply standards in reverse to you. And maybe you think you could meet all these standards, maybe you kind of believe that in a pretty secular sense, you are without sin. But, I would caution you this is hugely unlikely. It is hugely likely you, right now, are carrying around some pretty incredible baggage that would turn away the vast majority of people from wanting to pursue something solid and long term with you if they were applying as unforgiving and merciless a standard as the one you are currently occupying. People always think the Eye of Judgement will never get to them, but it inevitably does, and the less mercy and forgiveness and ability to let people change you have, the less you will receive yourself.

You may want to consider adopting a more forgiving and open stance, is all I'm saying.

farm_hand_7 · 2024-01-19T19:15:38+00:00

I don't think high N count men are criticizing high N count women. Promiscuous men and promiscuous women are generally on the same page. In my opinion, the issue comes from low n-count men who have little experience in dating and sexual experiences looking for a partner with a similar outlook on life and feeling misled when a high n-count woman pretends to have a low n-count for whatever reason.

hearyoume14 · 2024-01-19T20:07:57+00:00

If you’re sexually incompatible you’re sexually incompatible. It is insecurity and probably family of origin issues causing this view.I’m experiencing something similar.

If a woman enjoys sex she will be having sex. The virgin or low partner count woman won’t be. Is she doesn’t show interest in sex or is what you would call a prude then she’s probaly low libido. Once her hormones from the honeymoon period end then she will go to her baseline.That’s only 2-3 years. When do most people get married?

AdjectiveMcNoun · 2024-01-19T20:08:00+00:00

There is nothing wrong with feeling this way, as long as you aren't a hypocrite. Were you ever or will you ever be promiscuous? Did you have a hoe phase? If so, why is it ok for you but not for her? If not, cool. There is nothing wrong with sticking to your values.

SwaySh0t · 2024-01-19T20:13:25+00:00

It’s a gaslighting tactic used by the very same women who would feel disgusted if they found out they’re hubby sucked a dick back in college.

Sad_and_grossed_out · 2024-01-19T18:10:27+00:00

Most normal well adjusted mentally healthy people don't view sex as some horrific sin that requires forgiveness from anyone.

Literally the sluttiest women I went to high school and college with are married now. In college I used to know two twins who actually would compete with each other on how many men they could fuck, guess what one is now married to a successful movie producer and the other is married to a guy who made a lot of tech money and both men are attractive.

Former and current porn stars get married all the time.

LOTS of people IRL don't have these same hang ups you have that you're trying to project on the rest of the world. Pls go touch grass.

spiritdancer_ · 2024-01-19T17:54:14+00:00

Cheating, lying, and neglect are all behaviors that occur within the relationship. Someone's history (key word history) of casual sex is not occuring within the relationship.

This is a very simple reason for why people say it doesn't matter, because to most people, how you act within a relationship is more important than how you act when you're single.

Personally, the reason behind why someone is engaging in casual sex is more important to me and tells me more about that person's behavior and potential red flags than the simple act of them having casual sex.

And most of the time the "why" is just that they like sex or they were seeking validation. The former reason is not a red flag at all, the latter reason is a yellow flag.

Economy-Shake-1448 · 2024-01-19T19:03:33+00:00

There’s literally an n count weekly discussion on this forum. If you don’t want to date a woman who sleeps around, then don’t. Most women have a lifetime average of between about 4-6 partners. So it should be easy to find a woman who hasn’t slept around to excess. Most women also have no history of sex work or porn.

Your standards fit the vast majority of women, and I am not sure what you are defensive about unless you’re getting into arguments with women on social media. Also, most women don’t want a man who is loudly announcing his preferences on dating apps or on social media memes because it is generally done with a mean spirit. You don’t need to proclaim what your preferences are in terms of body count when you go on hinge or tinder or bumble.

Sharp_Engineering379 · 2024-01-19T17:57:34+00:00

It isn’t exempt. It’s that beggars can’t be choosers.

If a man never talked to girls in elementary, never tried to date in high school and college, doesn’t even like women because he feels he can’t relate, but suddenly decided at 30 that he deserves a girlfriend is in no position to judge someone for pursuing a typical life.

thelajestic · 2024-01-19T18:04:16+00:00

in which you have to forgive past actions regarding sex,

It's not a case of having to "forgive" past actions, because they didn't do anything wrong.

If your value/belief system prohibits casual sex then it stands to reason you won't be compatible with someone who enjoys casual sex.

If you yourself enjoy casual sex and don't see it as some sort of moral failing then it shouldn't be any problem to be with a partner who has likewise indulged.

krayon_kylie · 2024-01-19T17:43:36+00:00

would it make sense not to kiss someone because you knew they've eaten food you don't like in the past?

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2024-01-19T18:28:24+00:00

so if anyone dates when theyre single it means you cant have an LTR with them or marry them

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-01-19T17:55:25+00:00

You're perfectly within your rights to not date people who have had a lot of partners, people have different values and you shouldn't date people you know you wouldn't work out with because of a big difference in how you see the world. But the language you guys use when it comes to someone's past relationships is just weird. Forgive? What is there to forgive, their having sex and relationships before meeting you wasn't a slight against you. You're putting ''having sex with more people than you'd personally like'' in the same category as things like lying, cheating, being aggressive, and being neglectful. All of these things are actually harmful to the person, and they're presumably done while you were dating that person, having sex with other people way before they met you doesn't fall into the same category.

People call you guys insecure because that's what it looks like when you act like someone's past sexual experiences are some slight against you that they have to atone for, that it's something on par with being an abusive partner. People in the comment section are going ''oh, you wouldn't date a rapist, but we should date a whore?'' and ''oh, well you haven't been sleeping around for a while, Jeffrey Dahmer stopped killing for a bit, is he not a murderer''. You people are comparing consensual casual sexual encounters to some incredibly vile acts, it's overly dramatic to the point of not being able to be taken as anything other than serious issues in your own heads.

No-Rough-7390 · 2024-01-19T17:59:26+00:00

You can either focus on being right or focus on utility.

You will never truly know her past and serial monogamy now being the relative norm for women gives a lot of plausible deniability even if you wanted to know.

The only thing you can tangibly measure is her desire and behavior towards you and the only thing you can control is the validation and time you give her. Do with it what you will.

I’ve dated women who had a pretty extensive past that were willing to do shit for me they hadn’t for any other dude, or even if they lied was a huge incentive for me in the relationship (I say that loosely, they were a plate) that most women wouldn’t do. Likewise, I’ve been with women who only had one or two serious boyfriends and weren’t “going out” types who outside of sex were a pain in the ass to be around

Are you correct that it’s a factor to consider? 100% but any guy with experience who realizes they will be just fine without the woman that is in their lives doesn’t harp on it.

MongoBobalossus · 2024-01-19T17:53:13+00:00

Outside of an incurable STD like HIV, herpes or Hepatitis or a history of abuse, a persons past is irrelevant if y’all are both mutually attracted to each other and agree to be mutually exclusive.

LadyLazarus2021 · 2024-01-19T19:46:30+00:00

You can hold your standards. But you don’t get to tell others that they must find your standards reasonable.

If you slept around casually, then holding it against your potential date makes you at least a hypocrite or a misogynist.

Otherwise, knock yourself out.

Element_Girl · 2024-01-19T19:47:02+00:00

The big problem with this is the double standard. Men can sleep with however many people they like and it's fine, but the same is not true for women.

You can break up with someone for almost any reason and it will not make you an asshole. But holding us to a stricter standard is ridiculous and you deserve to be called out for it. Personally, I think the whole thing is ridiculous and I don't give a shit how many people anyone's slept with. But if that's something you care about, apply the standard to everyone. Nobody is going around calling men sluts - it's a gendered attack.

SecondEldenLord · 2024-01-19T17:37:31+00:00

Women just want to have no accountability for their past actions which is why they find all sort of bs excuses for their horrible past choices. They wouldn't date a guy who have been accused of rape, so why would man date a whore?

Imetapossumforreal · 2024-01-19T17:50:54+00:00

[permanently deleted]

apresonly · 2024-01-19T18:19:26+00:00

*to you

no one will force you to date or marry women you don't want to

this is not, however, an argument that the past matters for everyone

Cethlinnstooth · 2024-01-19T18:32:40+00:00

Shit...I don't care. If you wanted a nice zero count woman not a girl whose been around then the time to get serious about making yourself able to achieve that was in your teens. You snooze you lose. Some other guy can impregnate dem hoes. Some divorced guy in his forties with a flannel shirt and a pickup truck whose tougher than you when it comes to having the knowledge of her past can put a Walmart ring on her finger and put a baby right in her to start his second family.

Most people don't care. They just don't want to listen to you whine and will punish you by telling you what you don't want to hear if you whine.

Geselshaft · 2024-01-19T18:07:54+00:00

Personally I don’t care about “the most”, as that seems to be a concern with religious trad cucks who worship hymens. They actually believe n-count and divorce rate “studies” which doesn’t measure reality, but it seems to be a big concern.

If it matters to you I’d really examine why it does. Ignoring fake studies, what’s the true psychological reason behind the concern.

And this is only for men trying to get married, which only trad cuck fools engage in.

Marriage is over. It’s done. Time to get with the program cucks.

harmonica2 · 2024-01-19T18:25:02+00:00

Most women think that a man's romantic past matters so I'm not sure why a lot of women take it personally if men think their past matters if that's the case.

Zabadoodude · 2024-01-19T18:28:22+00:00

Of course the past matters. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Whether it's something that can be overlooked depends on your own values and preferences. Some people do change, but you're not obligated to believe that they have

ThisBoringLife · 2024-01-19T19:08:11+00:00

Past always matters, imo.

Even if we're not talking n count, any bit of previous traumas can roll over into your current relationship and affect how you and your partner are able to connect. It comes down to whether or not you are fine with those elements in their past that may or may not show up in the present.

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KayRay1994 · 2024-01-19T19:01:49+00:00

As long as you’re ideologically consistent across both ends, do whatever you want - i don’t see an issue with the preference itself, but i do see an issue with shaming someone for not living their life in accordance to your preferences or when you don’t hold yourself or your gender to the same standards.

That being said, it kinda does matter - in a way, ie. while I may not be interested in a woman’s specific body count, what I am interested in is her mental state throughout or her view on this stuff; ie. if the sleeping around came from a place of low self esteem and validation searching and she has since then improved herself greatly, I don’t care - if she’s still that same low self esteem person, i’ll have a problem with it. If its sex for the sake of sex, but otherwise she’s fine - long as she believes in monogamy when the relationship is made exclusive, i don’t care.

Many_Dig_2782 · 2024-01-19T20:03:02+00:00

Men could and do generalize slutty women the same way you did virgin men

I don’t really care who or why you date. Just saying everyone here is saying “stop the sweeping generalizations “ then you make a sweeping generalization lmao

AcephalicDude · 2024-01-19T18:58:52+00:00

I don't think people generally say that other people can't have their preferences and standards.

I think it's more that people judge each other's preferences and standards as fair or unfair; substantial or shallow; realistic or unrealistic; etc.

And we all should make such judgments on a case-by-case basis. It's going to depend on the degree of the promiscuity; the other person's past and whether they are applying a double-standard.

The worst examples are where two people will have an equal sexual history in terms of numbers of partners or length of relationships; but the one person dumps the other, because in their mind it is "unnatural" or something for that person to have that kind of sexual history.

Title	The Past Does Matter.
Author	Ceazer4L
Upvotes	22
Comments	280
Date	January 19, 2024 5:35 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/19aoo1w/the_past_does_matter/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/the-past-does-matter.1243354 https://theredarchive.com/post/1243354

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