Why is attraction important when selecting a life partner you will spend 50+ years with?

New_Relative_8709 · 2023-02-14T17:40:21+00:00

Sometimes i think this sub is a huge bait

Safinated · 2023-02-14T17:48:50+00:00

Why is it important for men? There’s your answer

CimZim · 2023-02-14T17:43:33+00:00

Because even if you meet in your 30s, that's still 50 years together that you'll hopefully be fucking lol.

Like, this almost sounds like a joke post. Even my demisexual ass understands that having physical and sexual attraction and lust for one's longterm partner is pretty damn important.

Reasonable_Volume_96 · 2023-02-14T17:53:17+00:00

The most important sexual organ is the brain. So I think when many say attractive - they mean overall. It is still important to find your partner attractive to cultivate an initial relationship.

But one can also look like a troll like my first crush and still be incredibly attractive and stimulate a person's mind. Most women don't experience spontaneous desire and many prefer audio erotica to video porn because it's not the physical aspect that gets them in the mood. If you can stimulate her senses and her mind - you don't have to be a mega-chad.

Long term, having a partner whose mind you find attractive likely won't change even as their body does. I know that people find me attractive but I also know gravity comes for us all, so I want to be interesting and likeable to any partner I have - it would be devastating to find out someone wants out of the relationship because I've aged and turned 45 and don't look like a 25yo anymore. Not out of jealousy, but because I think everyone deserves better than that.

AnyIntroduction3288 · 2023-02-14T18:44:23+00:00

I don’t understand why this is a question for women when women in general are much less superficial than men and are more than willing to date down in terms of looks.

Men are the ones who parade on men’s forums writing these intense monologues about how repulsive they find older, heavier, or less attractive women. On every celebrity post on Facebook, there’s some boomer writing about how the way her body or face looks is unattractive. MEN also go out of their way to tell us that they will only be nice to hotties (as a guy here commented to me) or that they use TRP to get attractive women.

Men are the ones waving in our faces how they don’t give a shit how mature or relatable a 19 year old is to their 45 year old selves but that the only age they will even consider for a date is under 25.

Men go on where have all the good men gone and roast a lady who says “I’m looking for a nice guy and no hookups” to tell her she is too demanding.

MEN went on TRP several years ago to call Meghan Trainor demanding, fat, and unattractive after she wrote “dear future husband”.

Women date down. In the media, we have Homer who is a fat bald guy with Marge a cute and gentle mom. We have Peter and Lois. We have memes about girls who fell for the medium ugly guy only for him to break her heart. We also have that guy with the weird neck from 90 day fiancé going out of his way to marry a random girl who lives in the Philippines who is much more attractive than him simply because he doesn’t want to date his looksmatch and Jorge and Anfisa.

funlightmandarin · 2023-02-14T18:51:04+00:00

I'm gonna tell you secret.

Why prioritize something that is guaranteed to fade anyways? Why not prioritize common interests, family compatibility, cultural values etc.?

You can do both at the same time. Amazing, right?

GooseneckRoad · 2023-02-14T18:20:10+00:00

I love it, we should bring back marriages of convenience for family and social reasons. Fuck attraction, it doesn't matter.

literaryhogwartian · 2023-02-14T19:28:57+00:00

Quite a few late 60s and 70s couples are still attracted to each other. My partner grandparents fancied the pants off of each other well into their 80s. Attraction is not just physical - it's tge combination of a person you think looks nice as well as a personality you find attractive

Lolabird2112 · 2023-02-14T17:43:41+00:00

More men say attraction is a dealbreaker than women. Or rather - they don’t actually come out and say it, but multiple studies prove it.

BreezyBritt89 · 2023-02-14T18:00:11+00:00

Do YOU want to be married to someone who finds you sexually repulsive?? I wouldn’t. Do you want to see her wince in disgust on your wedding night?

YaKnowEstacado · 2023-02-14T18:07:23+00:00

Because hopefully sex will be a big part of that relationship, and sex with someone you're not attracted to is disgusting.

The sexual spark might not last into your 80s, but that early chemistry and intimacy and the bond and memories that form from it is the glue that holds the relationship together through other seasons of life.

Obviously attraction shouldn't be the only thing you consider when choosing a partner, and it shouldn't necessarily be prioritized over everything else, but it's an important factor.

EulenWatcher · 2023-02-14T17:52:33+00:00

All of the things you’ve listed are important, it isn’t “this or that” situation. People want to date someone compatible both sexually and personality-wise, as a lack of it can make keeping this relationship harder than it has to be.

Sexual compatibility and attraction are important because you don’t get married and wake up when you’re 80. You spend years together and you probably do want to have good sex during most of these years. Check deadbedroom subreddit, a constant lack of sex leads to resentment, relationship issues overall (although it’s often an egg and a chicken kind of situation) and in a lot of cases divorce.

Would you marry a woman you felt zero attraction to?

4_gwai_lo · 2023-02-14T20:25:41+00:00

Why live when you're going to die anyways? I hope you're not a moron, OP.

thetacobitch · 2023-02-14T18:21:51+00:00

First, I’ve read an article about this actually where much older people were asked if they are sexually attracted to other people their age. And the answer was a resounding yes. So I think the assumption that you stop being attracted to your partner just because they age is just that - an assumption.

Next, attraction is a priority because sex is an important part of a relationship. Most people aren’t turned on by the idea of fucking someone they aren’t attracted to. It’s very hard to even have romantic attraction to someone you just don’t find physically attractive. Finding a partner isn’t a math equation. It requires feelings and deep love that we can’t really control.

And regardless of that physical attraction possibly fading over the decades, you still have potentially decades where you’re both still attractive and attracted to each other.

And because there are plenty of attractive people out there that also have the other qualities I prioritize. Why would I settle? It’s not like you have to choose between a man that you’re attracted to or one that meets all your other needs. The goal is finding that in one person.

I also would never want someone to be with me that didn’t find me attractive? Hello dead bedroom.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-02-14T17:43:09+00:00

Those aspects are all part of attraction too. You're just saying don't prioritise only physical attraction, and fair enough, although you don't really want to be with someone you find physically off-putting before you've even aged and develop a deep love based on time.

Lolabird2112 · 2023-02-14T17:43:46+00:00

More men say attraction is a dealbreaker than women. Or rather - they don’t actually come out and say it, but multiple studies prove it.

wtknight · 2023-02-14T18:10:26+00:00

Even older people are still sexually attracted to each other, even if they don’t have sex as much as they did when they were younger. Even if they don’t have sex at all, I think that older people still visually appreciate a partner.

uglysaladisugly · 2023-02-14T18:53:04+00:00

Attraction is not just body.

If you are attracted to the way they smile and laugh, to their face, eyes, voice, etc. You'll still find all of that attractive after decades.

mackenzie013_02 · 2023-02-14T17:48:00+00:00

Because how are you going to fuck someone you find physically off-putting?

Novadina · 2023-02-14T20:24:35+00:00

Because I want to have sex with my partner, and sex with someone I’m not turned on by hurts. Unless I’m 80 when looking for a partner, why would I want to give up on having a great sex life for the years I actually can? I got with my husband when I was 23, why would I want to stop having sex at 23 just because I might be ugly at 80?

Why not prioritize common interests, family compatibility, cultural values etc.?

You can have multiple priorities. Being sexually compatible and physically attracted to your partner can be included in the list. I certainly wouldn’t marry someone who I was attracted to but had no shared values or nothing in common with or was incompatible to have a life together with.

Also memories and love developed over years can really help with attraction. When I was 23 I wasn’t attracted to 50 year old men, yet my husband is almost 50 now and I am still attracted to him. When I see him I have 16 years of fond memories and fun sexy times we’ve had together, and he is still the same man… yeah I see changes when I compare to old photos, but they happened so slow and I guess I just adjusted to them as they happened.

AcanthocephalaNew947 · 2023-02-14T18:04:57+00:00

Ok before I answer this I just want to point out we have come full circle!

We’ve gone from women lying about attraction being important, to attempting to convince us it’s not.

Ok so to answer the question. For me, because everyone’s different - Attraction is a huge part of finding a partner, there are women who can overlook looks based on income, resources kindness, im just not one of them.

Looks get you in the door everything else keeps you there. Now don’t get me wrong there are couples who got together because they were friends first and the attraction grew, I guess it’s really up to the individual if they want to do that.

I feel like this argument comes from people ( men and women) who want to date up. They’re doing it via guilt. I just don’t get the logic, it’s like wait so I have to ignore attraction so someone else gets to enjoy being physically attracted? It doesn’t seem fair to expect that. I think what would be fair is to find one’s equal.

Unattractive people have equals. If they don’t want to date one another I truly feel that’s an issue to solved amongst that group, seems silly to expect attractive people to sacrifice again so someone else can benefit from being physically attracted to their partner.

And yea I get the argument of focusing on other things kindness, shared values, shared goals. If I’m able to date and find men I’m attracted to who have those traits why would I not desire to have it all in a partner?

If my options are attractive bum or an average guy with his shit together I’m choosing the average guy. If my options are average guy with shit together ugly guy with shit together, why is the expectation that I sacrifice my desires so the ugly guy can be happy?! It doesn’t make sense which is why you’ll often have arguments of ohhhhh these women would rather have criminals than a nice average guy! It put the guilt on her when reality is she’s choosing from her options a better man.

Y’all sit here and claim women aren’t honest I’m being honest.

daisydaisydaisy12 · 2023-02-14T18:44:53+00:00

You are incorrect as usual. My husband is a gorgeous beast. 33yrs married.

Soloandthewookiee · 2023-02-14T19:05:07+00:00

Because you're confusing "attraction" with "physical attraction."

MrsKetchup · 2023-02-14T19:12:51+00:00

por que no los dos

BigOleGreenTrees · 2023-02-14T19:14:28+00:00

Most women do prioritize other traits like personality when it comes to long term relationships. I was often told while young that looks aren't everything when it comes to a long term relationship. Men in this subreddit are the ones touting the super shallow women stereotype so maybe you should ask them, after all they know the truth and women are just liars.

AceArguments · 2023-02-14T19:33:57+00:00

I agree with you there are far more important things than attraction but it seems to be very important if you check r/DeadBedrooms. A lot of people see sex as very much a show of love and closeness when there are many other actions that are a much better indicator of such things. I still agree with you though. Attraction definitely shouldn't be a deal breaker but it seems to have caused a lot of people grief later on in relationships when attraction isn't a deciding factor. Conundrums. Conundrums everywhere.

MistyMaisel · 2023-02-14T20:00:19+00:00

My father is closing on 60 and he's still a handsome man. Is he the same as when he was 20? No. But he's still attractive certainly and in some ways, maybe more so, I would imagine for my mother. My mother is also closing on 60 and still very beautiful and I'm sure if she wasn't my mother, I could imagine she'd be sexy. My grandparents are obviously in their 70s and 80s, but in both sets, you can easily see the remaining echoes of their former beauty, and both sets still could easily be called attractive for a person that age.

The idea that attraction cannot last is just plain stupid and wrong. My parents aren't super happy together and there are still times I catch them flirting or making those faces at each other. Same for my grandparents.

It doesn't necessarily fade in the way you're suggesting, it changes what it is and certainly certain aspects may mute. But not to the person who met you when you were 20 and spent 60 years in bed with you. You'll always be their tiger if things are right with the relationship.

There are more important things ultimately, but this is still an important thing to the health of the relationship, the foundation, and its harmony forever. You shouldn't select someone just because they're pretty. But at the same time, you're unlikely to succeed if you don't think your partner is attractive.

Noisexfloor · 2023-02-14T22:11:04+00:00

Well, I am very happy to read that there are far more important things to be concerned about. Maybe we are making progress!!!!

But yeah, i mean I've said this before in this sub but I think that TRP thinks that women care more about appearance than we actually do.

But appearance leads to sexual attraction and sexual chemistry is very important. Besides, its nice to wake up next to a gorgeous face every day.

Its not thaaaat deep. Being hot will only get you so far

Silver-Tumbleweed351 · 2023-02-14T23:53:19+00:00

I expect to have sex until I’m unable to anymore. If I don’t crave his tongue in my mouth, I don’t want him grunting and sweating while he uses my reluctant body to masturbate with.

Not everyone has the same sex drive, and not everyone is free of inhibitions or resentment towards their partner which allows them to enjoy sex. For those of us who possess a sexual identity, it’s very important.

Otherwise I could just share a home and a life with a platonic girlfriend.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-02-14T17:59:32+00:00

Most men wouldn't marry someone they aren't physically attracted to either. They'd fuck an ugly chick or a fat chick, but they wouldn't marry her. And they'd be right to not want to marry someone they find ugly, because you should be attracted to the person you're going to spend decades of your life with. Sure, once you hit 60 or 70 you might not be thinking about sex and it won't matter if you find them super hot. But if you're 20 something or 30 something, that's a good 30-40 years down the line and I'm sure you'd like to have sex with someone you like looking at.

Now, obviously looks aren't the most important thing in a marriage. We're all going to get old and look worse than we did when we were 20. You do need shared values and compatibility to build a family with someone. But that's what most people are already prioritizing because attraction isn't based solely on looks. You can be a completely average-looking person, but your kindness, humor, and strength of character can make you way more attractive than some hot dude who is selfish and as dull as dirt.

You sound like you're very young, you got high, saw a 50-year-old woman and went ''woah, man, people age! So why would you care if you find that person physically attractive at all?''

LadyofTheGreyPath · 2023-02-14T18:10:32+00:00

I'm going to be fucking this person until we either get tired of fucking or one of us dies. Of course, attraction is important, and I'm not delusional about how our looks are gonna change. Upside is not having teeth get in the way of some stuff.

bluemooncookiedough · 2023-02-14T22:04:06+00:00

It's not important as long as you don't expect to have sex. Sex while not being turned on is painful to a woman. But things like ivf or adoption could solve this. If she's a good mom your sexual needs shouldn't matter anyway?

PapaPinyun · 2023-02-14T22:10:03+00:00

the short answer for either sex is that the sexual attraction part in the juicy years is the psycho-chemical foundation of the neurological architecture that actually successfully bonds one to the other with enough durability to last into such advanced age

Katatonicsnake · 2023-02-14T22:34:55+00:00

I think physical attraction is the first step, because it’s the most apparent. Then you start to map out the other stuff. And even if you don’t find your partner attractive anymore in their 80s, there were still possibly many decades when you did.

My husband and I have a lot in common, and we have also found each other attractive for 12 years, increasingly so. Let’s say that we’ll find each other attractive into our 50s. It would mean that we were attracted to each other for over three decades. Is that insignificant?

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-02-15T00:03:55+00:00

Wait, are you saying attraction is not important to you? Because while for some people this might be the case, the vast majority of men certain don’t agree. So to direct the question at women seems odd, since men tend to put attraction first even more so.

But the short answer is, because you’l most likely still be having sex with that person for 30+ years. You can’t just base it on attraction, but that’s one element. Compatible interests and values are right up there, but you need a bit of everything.

relish5k · 2023-02-15T00:09:06+00:00

Attraction isn’t just physical, I’m attracted to my partners sexy sexy brain (as well as the rest of him).

And people still get horny for each other in their 50, 60s and 70s and 80s. Nursing homes are hotbeds of STDs. So they seem to be pretty hot for eachother.

animatedAspirant · 2023-02-15T00:54:06+00:00

Honestly I agree with a lot of what you're saying, op-- if you find somebody who has similar values/goals and who you are able to be genuinely good friends with-- who you get along with and feel respected by-- that is a really important precondition for a good relationship, and I personally find it more important than the physical side of things. Attraction can sometimes even develop from that foundation.

But I think some level of attraction is immutable-- like I could ask a straight guy your question and say "why don't you consider same sex options? Do you have to be with a woman to get your life partner needs met?" and it wouldn't necessarily make them shallow to be like, "no, I want SOME level of physical attraction in my relationship."

So then it just becomes a question of, how much attraction do you need to be happy for that part of your relationship where attraction is a factor?

AutoModerator · 2023-02-14T17:38:34+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

freespirit1963TJ · 2023-02-14T18:03:46+00:00

I believe attraction is, overrated and could lead a person into a dysfunctional relationship. Most people start entering into relationships when they are young and in school. Kids aspire to be with the best looking boy or girl. This dynamic continues into when people become adults. Take two people they get together initially based on physical attraction etc. This type of attachment only lasts so long. Remembering that we are discussing 50 year relationships, I believe that physical attraction is on the list, but sharing common interests promotes cohesiveness and longevity much more than physical attraction.

obviousredflag · 2023-02-14T18:20:31+00:00

Because if you pick a fat unattractive man, he will likely not make it to his 80s.

Why not prioritize common interests, family compatibility, cultural values etc.?

Because interests, families and cultural values change more rapidly and severely than attractiveness.

As a man, I am just starting to realize there are far more important things when it comes to a serious long term partnership than attraction...

You know, it's not mutually exclusive to have attractiveness AND similar interests, family compatibility and cultural values. If you can have everything in a partner depends on your own value on the dating market. The lower your budget, the more things you can't have in a partner. In a low budget scenario, cutting attractiveness first, might seem like a good strategy to optimize lifelong happiness. But you will need to find a way to fall in love with a person you don't find attractive, because very few people can force themselves into a lifelong relationship with a person they don't feel attracted to.

raldabos · 2023-02-14T22:58:23+00:00

The human brain isn't good at undertanding future problems and prefers immediate pleasure.

meteorness123 · 2023-02-15T00:42:17+00:00

I think about this a lot and I think that's precisely what I'm gonna do. I can't find her physically repulsive but as she looks normal and keeps herself fit, I will screen her for the qualities you mentioned. People who do that seem to have the best marriages.

On the other hand, people who don't and who choose their partner based off looks and looks only seem to incredibly suprised when they get divorced. Oh no, what happened ! Well, logic happened.

As to your question : I believe the reason people do what you say is because we as human beings generall speaking are much more emotional than we like to think and thus tend to be our decisions.

BlackPorcelainDoll · 2023-02-15T00:45:36+00:00

Because I am of American culture, you can go to countries with arranged marriages for different set ups and upbringing, it is not biological

LoopyPro · 2023-02-15T01:32:23+00:00

Because generally, that life partner is the only person who can/may satisfy one's sexual needs.

Willow-girl · 2023-02-15T01:46:31+00:00

It's the glue that holds things together!

LotBuilder · 2023-02-15T02:10:24+00:00

Never date much less marry someone who does not have raw attraction for you. You will eventually be miserable. You don’t want to be settled for

sublimemongrel · 2023-02-15T02:24:41+00:00

Attraction is a HUGE part of romantic love. If you want to maintain that type of love with your spouse (which most people do), of course attraction is going to be a big priority.

Plus, ya know, lots of us like sex and don’t want sexless marriages or marriages where we just have to grin and bear it for his sake. Yuck yuck yuck

Definitely-Butter · 2023-02-15T03:11:21+00:00

Males are the more shallowe sex, why aren't you asking this to them? Males here will go on and on about how fat American women are and to get a cute small petite young Asian woman or some shit.

Plenty of males will not date women over 25 regardless of how old they are themselves.

Why? Is it not important when they do it? Why do women have to lower their standards while males don't?

meteorness123 · 2023-02-15T03:24:09+00:00

Rate this powerful alpha male

https://cf-images.us-east-1.prod.boltdns.net/v1/static/694940094001/a7aa7540-0fd7-4df0-a43b-4b30fcacaac9/cb8aa210-13cb-497a-8005-be317193edbd/1280x720/match/image.jpg

CradlingBrokenGlass · 2023-02-15T05:18:11+00:00

Many couples that married younger than 25 and also looked good at that time, rode the wave of the “halo effect”. Even if their looks deteriorate somewhat over time, the halo effect keeps the bond going.

sex_throwaway999 · 2023-02-15T05:32:02+00:00

you're an idiot if you think all 30-somethings are on the same level of physical attractiveness. same for 40-somethings, etc.

kalashhhhhhhh · 2023-02-15T09:56:28+00:00

Just because we won't be hot in our 70s, doesn't mean we have to be unattractive in our 20s as well.

Also, it's not either/or. My partner should have common interests, compatible values, an interesting character, intelligence.. and I have to find him physically attractive.

That__EST · 2023-02-15T11:47:35+00:00

I think it's because realistically "attraction" is just a shortcut to your brain telling you "you know what you can expect from this person, society see it too, and they approve".

womandatory · 2023-02-15T13:27:49+00:00

Because attraction gets you a second date. The rest is what sustains a relationship.

And yes, 80 year olds feel attraction too. What a fucking bizarre suggestion that just because you get old you stop being human.

Alert_Many_1196 · 2023-02-16T02:04:36+00:00

I've read testimonials from both sexes that say their attraction to their partner has grown over the tears and they have sex well into their old age. I think op thinks his idea of attractive us universal but its not. Some people are not meant for long term relationships.

Title	Why is attraction important when selecting a life partner you will spend 50+ years with?
Author	estoniaball
Upvotes	28
Comments	312
Date	February 14, 2023 5:38 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/112b7or/why_is_attraction_important_when_selecting_a_life/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-is-attraction-important-when-selecting-a-life.1152691 https://theredarchive.com/post/1152691

Comments