Do you want a man to do 50% of the housework if you are a stay at home mom?

sowwi · 2022-07-03T02:13:04+00:00

If I was a stay at home wife and my bf was working full time then I would do all the home chores. But if I had a job as well, then the home chores should be divided.

ImAGhostOooooooo · 2022-07-03T04:12:06+00:00

When I was a sahm with a nursing newborn and a messy toddler, still handling finances, all the cooking and cleaning, grocery shopping, meal prep, social calendar, appointments, enriching activities for the children, yardwork, car maintenance…..I had never been more miserable and exhausted in my life. But i did it because he was financing our lives.

I was happy to go back to work when the kids started school but at that point he was used to me doing everything and still expected that even though I worked as many hours and made as much as he did.

That’s when I filed for divorce. Now he can enjoy doing all that shit alone and has apologized and admitted that he was selfish and spoiled.

We’re best friends still. We love our children and parent them as a team. But if he’d just fucking seen and appreciated me and pulled his weight, we’d still be together and honestly probably financially fucking set. Too little too late. I will never cohabitate again. My kids don’t need or want a step dad. I don’t want to take care of another grown child.

It’s a sad reality for many these days.

Perfect_Promise_943 · 2022-07-03T04:46:32+00:00

Are you a parent or not? If you have multiple kids their might be after school extracurriculars and appointments. How is it fair that mum has to be in 24/7 for her job but dad gets set hours. I think you’d have to negotiate things and asses. Also what if mum is sick and not to mention she has the kids all day and might want some time to herself some days.

SouthernGrass3 · 2022-07-03T02:16:48+00:00

That depends. If the woman worked hard for 8-10 hours, caring for multiple young children, cleaning, cooking, bathing, driving to activities, managing household finances, teaching children (especially homeschooling), caring for pets/farm animals, etc, then yes. If the kids are in school and she spends her days watching tv, then no.

TheRedPillRipper · 2022-07-03T02:09:57+00:00

a dude still had to do 50%.

I only have to do 50%, but still I prefer cleaning my way. So whilst we both clean, the perfectionist in me is always doing more. As my partner whilst fairly “tidy”; doesn’t clean to my preferences.

It’s individual choice. The person with the higher standard of cleanliness; has to either compromise, or carry the bulk of maintaining it.

Godspeed and good luck!

NewDoom83 · 2022-07-03T01:55:07+00:00

It's simple, the age of SAHM is over, men need to be more hypergamous like women and only marry in their tax brackets. Then you can afford to have a maid and or both split the choirs.

2022-07-03T05:42:03+00:00

Well tbh a sahm is a job, and if the other partner works, it would be stupid for him to do a lot. I mean i understand toasting the bread for breakfast while she makes the eggs or washing the dishes twice a week, but that should be pretty much it. If both partners work, it should be 60/40, where both partners are trying to do the 60%.

AcanthocephalaNew947 · 2022-07-03T04:10:52+00:00

Jesus, do y’all keep score about everything?

I can’t imagine any of you actually happy in a relationship, you’re way too worried about a woman having a perceived upper hand.

Basketballjuice · 2022-07-03T03:30:19+00:00

if I become a stay at home husband, I'd sooner stab myself than tell my wife that my job is now her duty if I wasn't employed anywhere.

Unless I was incapacitated by sickness or something.

Diddy_1978 · 2022-07-03T08:18:59+00:00

House chores, no. Parenting, yes.

IrrungenWirrungen · 2022-07-03T08:30:58+00:00

Some comments here are so far from reality. 🤣

imlost_n_ilikeithere · 2022-07-03T15:01:08+00:00

Nope. My husband works hard so I can have a great life. The least I can do is keep the house semi clean and cook a few times a week. BTW we used to have a maid for years but she moved away and it’s my decision not to get one yet because I’m picky.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2022-07-03T18:47:35+00:00

I WAS a SAHM to 4 kids. My ex husband was a very successful executive who made high 6 figures.

I did all the kids stuff; carpool, Drs appointments, school stuff etc. plus their extra curricular activities. I did all the cooking, all the grocery shopping, all the laundry for the whole family. I did all the cleaning except once a month had the house deep cleaned by professionals. My ex took out the trash and attended to the cars about half the time, same with our 3 pets.

As the SAHM parent I naturally felt I should take on the brunt of the chores and the kids stuff and it worked beautifully. The only downside was that when he had an affair and we divorced after 23 years I was extremely financially vulnerable since had been out of the workforce for 20 years. Luckily my long marriage entitled me to enough to get back on my feet but starting from scratch at 46 years old was daunting.

Perfect_Promise_943 · 2022-07-03T03:15:09+00:00

if im a stay at home mom who doesn’t work? no. housework and child rearing would be all on me.

if im working full time as well, then yes he is expected to do some housework and child rearing.

masterlaster1199 · 2022-07-03T07:05:14+00:00

Keeping score is a very bad practice in a relationship, IMO. Help as much as you can and put yourself out there regardless of your gender or work.

briiiana1122 · 2022-07-03T03:46:07+00:00

It kind of depends. With little kids everything feels like a disaster at all times for a while. You need to be a team even when one is the main parent.

We split parental leave, and are lucky enough to have been able to make it about 15 months. There was full understanding that the one working much harder was the one on parenting / home duty. And that shit gets left over at the end of the 8 hour shift of offfice duty time is spent and at that point it’s both on parenting and house duty.

I think a stay at home parent with kids in school full time is in a pretty different spot and should generally have the time / capacity for more housewifery.

RinoaRita · 2022-07-03T11:28:26+00:00

You’re coming from the wrong side. It’s not splitting the chores. It’s splitting the free time. Both parties should have equal amounts of “me” time. So that could be they each a day a week or a month to go out and do something of whatever. But yeah it’s better to work backwards.

2022-07-03T02:55:00+00:00

As someone who wants a SAH spouse if he asked me to do 50% of the housework I'd ask him where he's applying.

Caring_Cactus · 2022-07-03T04:57:48+00:00

What if, what if, what if it's whatever the couple agrees on happily as a team instead of people caring what others online virtue signal.

ummizazi · 2022-07-03T01:46:13+00:00

[permanently deleted]

EulenWatcher · 2022-07-03T03:59:55+00:00

Most likely not, but that's because we aren't planning to have more than 2-3 kids. I'd still want him to take a kid out of me for a few hours per day so a) he would have his father time with them, b) I'd have some time on my own. And one weekend should be the day where he takes care of the kid and the house, because a stay at home parent also needs a weekend.

But I wouldn't want to be a SAHM forever, max a year. Ideally we'd split the leave, so we'd both experience it.

majani · 2022-07-03T07:43:06+00:00

Sharing chores is very much a problem of mostly left-leaning women who don't have set frameworks for gender roles. My right-leaning wife is 7 months pregnant and only wants help with chores that involve bending over. Any other time I try to help with chores that right wingers consider feminine (cooking and cleaning) she tells me quite sternly to bug off. Reddit is overwhelmingly left-leaning, so you won't get good feedback regarding this (I have used the word "leaning" very carefully to make sure people don't think we're some Westboro Baptist Church members)

dukesaces · 2022-07-03T04:56:23+00:00

Imo your contributions in the house should be balanced out by your contributions to the family finances. If you bring home 70% of the income, you should do 30% of the housework. If you both bring home 50% of the finances then split the housework equally and if your woman is a SAHM and you're bringing home 100% of the finances, she should do 100% of the housework.

TRDF3RG · 2022-07-03T07:52:52+00:00

How do couples decide what "the housework" is? I've had both male and female roommates, and there are definitely big differences in the way they clean. If cleaning issues with couples who live together aren't well negotiated and communicated, it wouldn't surprise me if men sincerely believe they're doing half the work and women sincerely believe they're doing 90% of it.

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2022-07-03T02:17:51+00:00

rivka_ruth · 2022-07-03T03:05:27+00:00

Generally, I’d say that’s part of being a SAHM. However, I also think this depends on the number and age of the kids can have an impact.

At the end of the day, married people should be able to sort this out between themselves.

Other_Taro_3806 · 2022-07-03T06:20:02+00:00

Well home chores, I will do. But if there’s children involved I would like for the guy to be involved with his children because that part takes 2. Like playing games with them or putting them to bed. Being a parent is as important as a job.

ohdiddly · 2022-07-03T06:43:23+00:00

Not if he’s paying most/all the bills, no

boofthegirl · 2022-07-03T07:28:54+00:00

No. I work 40 hours currently a week and still do 85-90% of the housework (including outside stuff).

My fiancé works 50-80 hours a week hard manual labour. Sometimes in different states/countries. He gets up at 4am and sometimes (like this week) has been getting home at 9/10pm.

But, if he’s home for dinner, he will always do the after dinner dishes so I don’t have to do them because he knows how much I hate doing dishes. My love language is also acts of service so this makes me feel very happy. I get to go to bed early and unwind with a book and wake up to a clean kitchen. On the same note, he comes home to a clean house, washed clothes and a hot meal when he gets home from work.

It’s about effort input. We both put in 100% effort in different ways. That’s the only way for a relationship to be successful. It’s not about keeping tabs.

Also, if he has the day off work due to weather conditions, he will do some loads of washing, vacuum and cook dinner (and even light a candle lmao) so I come home to a nice, clean lovely home.

Also, I am going to drop down to working 4 days a week because it has been a lot for me to manage the household entirely on my own. I also have chronic depression. I’m still putting in 100% effort but we’ve agreed it’ll make me happier to start working part time.

nobodysomebodyanybdy · 2022-07-03T07:44:15+00:00

I think it should be the mentality but not always the reality.

Meaning, both partners should want to help each other and the one working shouldn’t think they don’t have to do anything with the house just because they are the breadwinner. However, I think they would naturally do some things but not an equal 50% if that makes sense. Help more when u can and less when you can’t.

Keeping score is the doom of any relationship.

Salt_Mathematician24 · 2022-07-03T07:53:51+00:00

No but at least clean up after yourself.

Emil_1996 · 2022-07-03T08:11:38+00:00

If the man works and the woman does not she's absolutely supposed to do much more of the work at home

If she finds that unreasonable, just leave her it ain't worth it

She has no common sense

2022-07-03T08:40:38+00:00

Depends on the age of the child, how many hours the guy works and how often each of us has to get up in the night to do the feed.

If you can't compromise something like this, you probably are not suitable to be raising a child together.

Background_Net8942 · 2022-07-03T09:44:35+00:00

No way! 50-50 housework, should be applied only if both are working equal hours.

NateHate1402 · 2022-07-03T10:09:47+00:00

If you’re a guy who is facilitating both of your lives as well as your children at the very least your partner do the housework. Some may try and say this is holding your money over her but it isn’t, it’s about balance and responsibility.

It’s unfair otherwise and it’s not like the guy expects the house to be toy free because that’s impossible with kids but at least make it presentable.

This goes the same for a stay at home dad. Although tbh I don’t hear stay at home dads complaining about it.

duskst0ne · 2022-07-03T10:37:42+00:00

Both people should contribute roughly equal amounts of work, however that ends up looking.

If you're at home with young kids, taking care of them is your job. Of course you'll find some downtime to do housework and 50-50 might not be fair, especially depending on the ages of the kids, but doing 100% of the childcare and 100% of the housework is going to end up being more work than a full-time job.

Note that when you hire a nanny to care for your kids, it's not standard to expect them to do housework. Cook for the children and clean up after them yes, cook for YOU and clean up YOUR messes, no. If you hire an au pair through an agency, it's usually against the contract rules to have them do any housework that isn't directly related to the children. So if a SAHM is basically doing the job of a nanny, why would you expect them to do more so much more work than someone who is actually doing it as their job?

kalashhhhhhhh · 2022-07-03T11:02:07+00:00

If both partners are working, chores should be evenly split.

If only one party is employed, the other one should do practically all housework.

Catherine772023 · 2022-07-03T11:37:27+00:00

These posts probably imply she’s been doing a job too.

If she’s a SAHM she should do most of the chores but he should be involved in parenting and it shouldn’t get to the red pill women point that it’s seen as shocking to occasionally let him cook. I’m a feminist who thinks men should contribute but even I think if she’s a SAHM she should do most of it.

If she has a job and does chores after so should he.

AngelCrumb · 2022-07-03T13:54:28+00:00

I’d expect her to do most the housework but childcare should be split when the man gets home, because otherwise the SAHM won’t get any free time.

If someone is working 60hrs they need to look into hiring a babysitter at times

SnooCats37 · 2022-07-03T13:57:38+00:00

No, when I was a stay at home mum, I expected my husband to do his bit on weekends and to pick up after himself and put the bins out. I happily did the rest. As long as he came in and was my team mate with the kids

ImAGhostOooooooo · 2022-07-03T13:57:44+00:00

I think this would depend on how many kids a couple has. Being a stay-at-home mom can sound easy if you have one kid, but as soon as you have two or more it's basically like having a full-time job at home. Kids are high energy and they're messy so the mom it's going to be spending a lot of her time picking up and entertaining the kids. I don't think it's fair that the working parent just comes home and does nothing. The working parent should come home and help out with the kids and help out with a few chores so the parents that stays at home can get a mental health break. It's not fair if the stay at home parent is expected to just always be in that working role when the working parent gets to come home and relax and not do their job 24/7.

One of my co-workers said that when she stayed at home her husband would take the kids until 7 p.m. so she could get a couple hours to herself to go exercise, run errands, or relax. She said during this time her husband and the kids were not allowed to bother her for anything unless it was an emergency. That meant that her husband had to know how to take care of the kids already because they're his kids too, not just hers. That means he gets to decide what they eat for dinner and the entertainment for them. That way as bedtime came around everyone was able to get some relaxation time (because the kids went to bed between 8-9) and they still had plenty of time for sleep.

You should never have kids with someone and think that you never need to help out with anything in the house just because they stay home all day. How would you feel if you had to work your job 24/7 with no breaks and no help from your spouse? You'd probably hate it.

Puzzleheaded-Lab-165 · 2022-07-03T14:09:36+00:00

Why can’t the couple communicate to each other what is best for their situation (work load, size of house, age of house and conditions of house, needs of children, Covid-19, each contributors skill levels) decide/make a plan, and finally edit the plan to make it work for your home. What I see is mostly women are comparing how much their husband does for their home make others feel inadequate ( not doing enough to cheated, do more than others) when every home is unique. The comparison of homes doesn’t bring anyone any peace. Stay at home women are caught between I wish I could do better to I wish my husband would do more while most working men leave peacefully home and come home to drama clueless to there it came from. Stop comparing will stop most drama. Stop offering suggestions stop sympathy to certain type of drama baiting women and men.

2022-07-03T14:23:53+00:00

If I’m a SAHM then I do 100% of chores. However, that doesn’t mean my hypothetical husband wouldn’t be capable of putting things in their designated spaces ex. putting clothes into a laundry bin and not leaving them lying on the floor

literaryhogwartian · 2022-07-03T14:36:22+00:00

He should do 50 % of the time he is not at work.

ruboyuri · 2022-07-03T15:02:06+00:00

Are the people complaining about this really referring to sahms, not working moms?

If so, please show me, if it indeed “everywhere”

Miojo_Lerigou · 2022-07-03T15:51:31+00:00

if i had a job too I'd expect 50%, if I'm staying home alone full time I would do all the work i can, but if i had a small kid I'd expect at least a little bit of help

2022-07-03T16:04:29+00:00

Been thinking about this 'housework' thing and especially the 'weaponized incompetence' where the man apparently fucks up a chore so the woman has to do it or he plays the "you're so much better at xyz than I am."

But ya know what, if a man says "Honey, I suck at finances and the budget, I'd prefer it if you just handled all that, I'll just deposit my paycheck" women would be like PIKACHU FACE.

They'd LOVE that. Sure, of course, as always, she'll eventually start acting like it's a big chore ---sigh--- 'I have to do it' kinda bullshit, but let's face it - out of all the chores, that would be the one least complained about.

She might complain that she'd like his involvement but she doesn't really want him to get better than her at it and take it back. "Uh yeah honey, on second thought, now I'm gonna handle all the finances, you just give your money to me." HA, she would NEVER fucking let that happen.

Women love holding the money. And 'his money is our money' but 'her money is her money'.

He can hand it to her and walk away but she'll never do that.

writsy · 2022-07-03T16:06:53+00:00

Absolutely not. If the woman is doing a full time stressful job and husband is at home he should do household chores 100%.

2022-07-03T16:13:01+00:00

https://genius.com/J-cole-foldin-clothes-lyrics

ugly_Duckling0915 · 2022-07-03T17:22:35+00:00

I’m a SAHM and only thing is ask my husband to help with us cleaning the bathroom and washing the dishes.. we cook together because it’s our favorite thing to do together. When our daughter is here My grandmother and I will be arching her while he works and when he gets home we take our showers together and afterwards he gets to bond with her until he is ready to go to bed. All outings (including appointments) are scheduled on 2 of his off days and the day he has off right before going back in is the day I refuse to plan anything so he can just relax and do what he wishes. If I need more help I can ask but seeing that we are a team and not rivals there’s no such thing as 50/50 it’s just we work together and figure things out as we go!!!

clara_12060139 · 2022-07-03T17:31:18+00:00

I think there should be no common rules for this and we shouldn’t judge people on how they want to live. Every couple is different. Just communicate with your partner. Personally, I’d do 100% of chores if I was a SAHM

mumblebumblegrumble · 2022-07-03T18:30:24+00:00

I've been a stay at home mom and did all the housework. I was happier working 50 hour weeks even though my ex still had me cooking and doing all the child rearing when I got off work and he stayed home.

The kids were in daycare when he stayed home and with me when I stayed home. I was still happier with the increased doing both than being a stay at home mom because I get a real day off to do what I please as far as hobbies and don't have to get someone else's ok to spend money on my interests.

Being a stay at home parent is only as good as your spouse is willing to treat you. I was treated like the live in help, one step up from a slave.

SmakeTalk · 2022-07-03T19:22:55+00:00

Probably depends on what's entailed in being a stay at home wife. Are they also raising multiple children and doing errands, cooking, and cleaning during the day? If so it's probably fair to expect the husband to contribute at home as well.

If they're just sitting at home not working and spending money then it's not fair to expect an even split of chores.

2022-07-03T21:14:43+00:00

Stay at home wives should not expect a breadwinner husband to do the house work. That is unfair and inhumane. If both are working, they need to divide the chores.

InfamousBake1859 · 2022-07-03T23:26:38+00:00

If that was my situation, i’d do as much as possible hut after he gets home, the remainder work should be split 50/50

Amazing_Humor2467 · 2022-07-04T02:06:13+00:00

🤣😂🤣

fuzzylogic89 · 2022-07-04T03:56:15+00:00

To me, it’s about both partners contributing reasonably equal time and effort. Responsibilities should be divided to ensure both have downtime. If one partner is a stay at home spouse while the other works, generally they should be doing more than 50% of household chores. That doesn’t necessarily mean ALL chores fall on them.

If the person staying home has young children, meal plans, runs a lot of errands and does major household projects, that’s a little different than keeping an apartment tidied up. Common sense and compassion for one another are important. Both need time to unwind to avoid misery and burnout.

Even if both work full-time, if one person has a relatively low stress office job, while the other does long days of physical work, that should be taken into account when dividing household chores. Notice I didn’t mention salary for that. If the office work mentioned pays more than the physical job, it still is less exhausting. Basically, people in relationships should act like they actually value each other’s efforts as crazy as that may sound.

Sufficient-Parsnip92 · 2022-07-04T16:52:33+00:00

If I was a stay at home partner, then I can justify being responsible for most of the household duties if my spouse was working. However if Iwas a stay at home mother, I would expect my husband put equal amount of attention on our child, since the child should be both our responsibilities. If that means that my husband comes home from work and cleans the house while I tend to the child, or vice versa then that is fair. Taking care of an infant child, and also being expected to do housework and maintain one's sanity is asking a lot.

lacylanda · 2022-07-05T00:41:45+00:00

If I were a sahm I'd expect him to pick up the slack and help out depending on our kids situation and how much time as had fir chores. Being a mom is 24/7 especially to very young children so it's likely he needs to do a equitable share of house hold chores or he could hire a hoisekeeper to do it all.

ProseccoIsLife · 2022-07-05T09:47:47+00:00

Not 50%, but also not 0% - especially in parenthood it's very important that both parents are involved. I would also help with his part, for example if something needed fixing I would do research about it, purchase tools/items for him to perform the task etc.

Dear-Acanthaceae760 · 2022-07-05T13:35:57+00:00

As someone who has lived with a stay-at-home mom.

Yes, she did still expect 50%. And she would deny that if asked this question

Title	Do you want a man to do 50% of the housework if you are a stay at home mom?
Author	Luciansleep
Upvotes	51
Comments	418
Date	July 3, 2022 1:31 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/vq68lf/do_you_want_a_man_to_do_50_of_the_housework_if/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/do-you-want-a-man-to-do-50-of-the-housework-if-you.1121644 https://theredarchive.com/post/1121644

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