Q4W: what struggles do you face dating that men fail to empathize with?

Swordfromthecement · 2022-07-09T23:56:08+00:00

i think the only dating struggle that i’ve personally had to face a few times was racial fetishization. some men empathize with that issue but ive seen some men say WOC should take it as a compliment.

i’ve also seen men say catcalling and groping should be considered compliments too so not too surprised.

2022-07-10T04:23:13+00:00

A lot of guys just want sex and its impossible to tell if they actually like you or just want to fuck you as if you are a flesh light.

You may wait a month to have sex and he seems really into you and says he wants a relationship and then as soon as you have sex he disappears.

(Oh and then guys will judge you for your n count when guys have manipulated you)

anonymousUser1SHIFT · 2022-07-10T00:20:33+00:00

The worst struggle I had when I was dating was the bait and switch that a lot of men would pull. They would be an absolute dream for about a month or however long it took me to form an emotional attachment. Then they would show their true colors and start being assholes.

PPD men will call it shitty vetting but how are we supposed to know a guy is actually garbage when he puts on an act of being the perfect guy for a month + ???!

AcanthocephalaNew947 · 2022-07-10T07:39:41+00:00

I love how this is a Q4W and it’s mostly men disputing whats been answered

SpicyNippss · 2022-07-10T00:01:05+00:00

Too many pretend to want something more while all they want is sex. Then they complain about women with high body count.

AquaChip · 2022-07-10T12:12:45+00:00

Men not caring anything about your personal interests and hobbies. I’ve had several men mirror my personality and interest just because they wanted a relationship so bad only to find out that they actually don’t like the stuff they told me they liked.

EulenWatcher · 2022-07-10T05:17:18+00:00

Dating is potentially more dangerous for women than it is for men and women have to treat it accordingly. If you go on a date, you tell your friends about your date, sometimes ask them to call you later to check on you. You have a pepper spray with you, you don't go to his place nor you let him take you to your place later on etc.

Sexual harassment shouldn't be a part of dating, but apparently it is. A lot of men can't get no as an answer and their flirting cat downgrade to harassment pretty fast.

As a pre-teen and teen you get approached and harassed by older men. What's worse is that you know some of them as family friends or your parents colleagues. I think it's one of the reasons why a lot of women are so protective over younger girls.

I guess it's cultural and things are different in the US, but where I live women are expected to play out their traditional gender role. If you aren't really into it, some men will try to ignore it and date you anyway and then get butthurt you aren't getting molded into their ideal of a woman.

Women get fetishized. I'm Asian, petite and don't look my age. I guess the worst case was a guy who was trying to convince me to do sex job as I could get a lot of money from it pretending I was a minor. "There's a whole niche waiting for you!".

Early_Inspector988 · 2022-07-10T10:01:15+00:00

That the basis of sex/attraction isn't just finding a man attractive, it's personal safety. We aren't just being a bitch when we have reservations.

gofigure62 · 2022-07-10T18:25:13+00:00

I habitually meet men that are ready to get married and start a family immediately.

I've always had this problem. I grew up in an ultra conservative small town where everyone got married and started families in highschool because there was nothing else to do or strive to achieve.

I left that hell hole and still kept experiencing men seemingly desperate to marry me and have kids. It never seemed like they were actually interested in me specifically, just like marriage and kids was their next stage in life and I seemed like a "good enough" option. So it seems like I habitually meet men that just want "A" woman, could be any woman. But never seem to meet any men that are interested in me specifically, as a person.

I'm in my 30's now and it's absolutely worse with men my own age. It also doesn't matter if I date younger or older, it's the same scenario. Recently went on a date with a man in his mid 50's thay was desperate to start a family.

I don't want to get married or have kids.

SmarmyPapsmears · 2022-07-09T23:41:16+00:00

Cheaters, periods, extra large boobs that I did not ask for, possible pregnancy, men who would rather I play dumb than give my opinion, childrearing, and probably some other things I am not thinking about right now.

gabishes · 2022-07-10T04:07:21+00:00

Safety. Men don’t realize the physical risk you take when you start dating someone. With most of the men i’ve seen if they decided to kill/assault me that would just happen and there would be nothing I could do about it. A lot of dudes are in the “not all men” camp, or simply believe that because they never could do that to someone else that it isn’t a big and real threat. I could get a take classes and get pepper spray but in all reality I am at the mercy of men.

So you have to be careful when you are dating. And guys see this as being aloof or not putting out soon enough. Or that its your fault when you get assaulted. It Sucks.

DiscoVersailles · 2022-07-10T00:46:38+00:00

I know what comes up on here a lot is the notion that men aren’t ever sexually desired or seen as attractive within relationships, but I want to say women struggle with that too. A lot.

From an early age we are fed images of what kind of women men find sexually attractive. We are told it’s okay if mens eyes wander, if they watch porn excessively or visit strip clubs. Sitcoms have men openly try to cheat on their wives or express distaste her appearance. The view i absorbed and am still struggling to unlearn is that even if a man “chooses” me, I’m not his first option and he’s not actually attracted to me, because there’s always someone hotter.

Obviously rationally I know this isn’t true, and I’m in a wonderful relationship that proves that wrong every day. But as a woman with intense body dysmorphia, it’s dating has been so difficult.

houstongradengineer · 2022-07-10T02:44:55+00:00

Things men in this sub struggle to understand:

Women have the same hardship learning how to balance assertiveness, politeness, and sweetness. Men struggle with this on initiating and on approaching. Women struggle with this on how to respond. At least I, as a woman, would always want to be polite. I was raised to be a kind people-pleaser. However, assertiveness is incredibly important, especially in matters of relationships.

Struggle of understanding most men in general would have:

I was rejected A LOT. Men just didn't want me. No they weren't male models or anything like that, just regular guys. I was rejected. They also didn't take kindly to the fact I initiated anything or approached first. Men seem to think that they would love it. No you don't. Men usually snapped at me for it!

I don't expect men to understand being harassed and assaulted frequently. You can't get that unless you've been there. I don't expect men to get what it's like to have a partner who doesn't enjoy dating you or doesn't do dishes. I don't expect men to empathize with what it feels like to be turned down for sex when everyone tells you "men are supposed to not be able to control themselves." I don't expect men fully to empathize with the toxicity, insecurity and the pain around a partner using porn, although it seems like a very easy concept to grasp. Those are women's problems. I never meant to make them a man's problem. With that said, I think it is reasonable to ask men to understand that rejection and learning how to date is at an equal struggle for women. That level of realistic understanding would be great.

2022-07-10T02:45:44+00:00

That tinder matches don't equal relationships.

RealNiceLady · 2022-07-10T03:31:32+00:00

Men don't understand that casual sex offers are useless for women.

sarkington · 2022-07-10T00:01:10+00:00

Our right to not date them

ruboyuri · 2022-07-10T15:52:25+00:00

That we’re not gay men, and Tinder isn’t Grindr

EviessVeralan · 2022-07-10T03:18:20+00:00

Theres a tendency of guys to assume that women have amazing time with dating as a whole due to the fact that getting casual is easier, when many women arent looking for casual.

WhiskeyOnASunday93 · 2022-07-10T06:53:02+00:00

It’s trivial, but consistent. Every man I ever dated claimed to love my hobbies or claimed an active lifestyle, and all but one grossly misrepresented their experience and interests. After three bad dates in high school, I vetted every date. Took them hiking or paddling, and each one flipped out if he got dirty or hot, went full ninja if he walked through a spider web, jumped over fallen logs, grabbed poison ivy vines or some other stupid, dangerous behavior. Before I was twenty, took 20+ men on a first date and ditched them the same day.

My takeaway is that men are desperate to be admired and respected and will lie their asses off to represent an admirable, competent man. Men who want something from a woman can’t be trusted, they have to demonstrate who they are.

Pisot77 · 2022-07-10T00:08:11+00:00

Fetishization. Asian Menswear podcast had an interesting episode on how men can struggle to empathize with women who hate being fetishized.

2022-07-10T06:44:17+00:00

Women struggle with feeling unworthy of love as well

Lysa_Bell · 2022-07-10T07:02:05+00:00

Trying to find someone that is not a complete asshole and liar is incredibly difficult. Men love to pretend to be a certain thing because they think it will give them pussy. They do the "I love being friends with you" to get in your pants, they fake being interested in your hobbies, in you as a person, even in you physical just to get their dick wet. The amount of men that hate women and pretend to be so nice and say of themselves "women just refuse to date nice guys like me!" Is ridiculous. Dating men is like looking for the needle in a haystack. You have to be very lucky to find someone that actually is somewhat compatible with you. And its exhausting.

GlamSunCrybabyMoon · 2022-07-10T08:46:03+00:00

I don’t think men understand that most women have been sexualized from a very early age. We’re raised to think of our future husbands and children in mind but I don’t think men are raised to be husbands and fathers.

It’s very exhausting to know from a young age that men mainly value you for your body. Most women I know started getting cat called as early as 10 years old. Men think that they’re getting targeted for their wallets but that’s only something you can be targeted for as an adult with a job. Women have been dealing with men and boys lusting after them for their body since childhood. As adults we’re tired of people pretending to be interested in us. That’s why hundreds of likes means nothing.

peteypete78 · 2022-07-10T04:20:23+00:00

That dating can be scary. You never know who you can trust and rape is EXTREMELY common statistically. So if you are like me and dont like going out in public places a whole heap then you cant really just say come over to mine or go to his because you are putting yourself in danger.

Anykindofland · 2022-07-10T04:25:08+00:00

Guys always complain about how no women swipe right on them but for women the problem is most of the guys just want something casual so its trying to find the small amount of guys on dating apps that don't just want a quick fuck- this rules out 90% of guys on dating apps.

NelsonManswella · 2022-07-10T00:30:53+00:00

I don’t really have struggles when dating but somethings I’ve seen on this this subreddit are men being upset if a woman sleeps with some men quickly and takes her time with the others, the men don’t want to be the ones who are made to wait they see it as disrespect? I think there is a disconnect between values for men and women. Any guy I made wait was because I actually liked his personality and I wanted a relationship, I didn’t want sex to confuse feelings because I wanted to make sure we were compatible. My current partner would be considered a chad, 6’2, 6 figures, handsome but more than that he’s intelligent, emotionally intelligent, calm, funny, well traveled (this means he tells interesting stories and has knowledge on many subjects), and he treats people with respect. Overall a high value man. I knew this immediately when meeting him. I waited about 2 months before sleeping with each-other we spent that time dating, laughing, and getting to know eachother. Result? Ltr, beautiful baby and plans to marry, buy house etc.

He has had many one night stands and I have had a couple myself is this disrespectful? I don’t think so and I think most women would agree that men you 1 night stand you don’t care about and usually happen when drunk, the sex is usually bad and you usually can’t wait for it to be done. We take our time with men we like to develop an emotional connection with it usually equals more meaningful and better sex when it’s backed up with feelings.

I think men on this subreddit think we are constantly comparing last partners with our current partners, I don’t think that’s true for most women

Guy I think if you develop emotional maturity and intelligence it will help your confidence and abilities with women 😁

Idk why I’m on this subreddit at first it was interesting to see the general opinion on women dating etc but it’s become repetitive and a bit sad because I feel like so many men here doing themselves a disservice with some of their beliefs, I think many people here could do a lot better with positivity, emotionally intelligence, and maturity and self confidence . I hope you all find happy Ltr and find someone who really makes you happy

Side note I’ll tell my funniest dating story. Met a guy on hinge, met up for a dinner and beer at a pub, he was somewhat interesting very average looking but a good conversationalist, I would have seen him again and seen where things went but he pushed for sex that night. I said no, I was looking for a Ltr so wasn’t sleeping with people on first dates (rationale given above). He stood up when realised he wasn’t getting sex and literally ran across the street to make the train that was just pulling into the station, nearly got hit by a car. I was in shock lol made Me happy I hadn’t slept with him if that’s how he was, showed me his true motives: sex

Everyone has been hurt, women and men. Let’s try to be better to each other

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Over_Silver_1636 · 2022-07-11T06:58:03+00:00

As a man I like how the woman in this post, all have different qualms with dating. Its refreshing how diffrientated everyone's issues are and also suprising.

TheMedsPeds · 2022-07-10T15:55:58+00:00

Not all of us have a line of guys ready to bang. I literally don’t know a single person IRL who is interested in me. After my husband died, no one, not one single person on my 700+ friends on FB ever hit on me. I had to resort to OLD, it took awhile but I finally met someone.

Girls also get friendzoned too.

2022-07-10T08:26:31+00:00

[permanently deleted]

2022-07-10T19:07:12+00:00

The insecurity whether a man has sincere intentions, and it’s impossible to know because men will do anything to give a nice impression.

Men being very nice to you irl and then seeing people write the cruelest things online. Was it all fake?

Men being so sweet and kind until you get attached to them and then their personality changes and there are signs of slight abuse. This is hard.

Most men lie a lot too in my experience. Often because men are terrified at the idea of a relationship ending.

Knowing that men mostly value you for your body, that you will always be an object to them.

The feeling that, since you as a woman chose the man, the man is with you since you wanted to, not because he desired you most. This feeling that in his eyes, there is always someone hotter. I mean look at all the porn men watch.

Buhu dating is so easy for women because all men want to sleep with you - yeah and I don’t give a fuck; this is not a benefit. If you want fresh fruit people showering you with chocolate means nothing. It’s only a benefit if you actually want chocolate…

Men who don’t understand how vulnerable the sexual act is mentally for women. Yes we have contraception now but in the evolutionary brain it doesn’t work like that. We are still made to see it as a big risk.

That men can be fairly scary in general. You are always at a disadvantage because of your inferior physical size. Pepperspray always. And this means that a man making a woman feel safe is really important.

Men don’t understand that women ”wait” not bevause the man is less attractive but because they have feelings.

Women get in relationships with ”Chads” because they are nicer, treat women better, and you know they wanted you and that you weren’t just something they came across. They don’t resent you for being a woman.

_HEDONISM_BOT · 2022-07-10T07:02:05+00:00

Having the desire or will to even open the apps and swipe.

It feels like a chore. It takes a lot of energy to even want to respond to messages.

It takes a lot of energy to even feel the desire to go out on dates with these men.

The whole process of vetting them is exhausting. Especially the way I do it.

AngelCrumb · 2022-07-10T17:29:42+00:00

A lot of guys have absolutely no interest in commitment, they just want sex, where as most women do want commitment. These men often fail to be honest with their intentions, either by outright lying, purposely being vague, or lying via omission.

pussy_destroyyer · 2022-07-10T17:38:01+00:00

The pressure to have sex. I haven’t been in a single relationship where my boyfriend respected my boundaries when I’m not in the mood. At the beginning they always say “when you’re not in the mood to have sex then it’s fine” but when it actually comes down to it all hell breaks loose and I end up feeling super violated. And don’t tell me that I’m “ just choosing shitty men” because when I ask about boundaries at the beginning of the relationship they claim they’re understanding.

2022-07-11T16:41:39+00:00

I can empathize with the stress and anxiety of fearing on missing out. As someone who has never dated myself, I can also empathize with the loneliness aspect. Society puts a really pointless pressure on men to have sex and that can be really damaging for them. Toxic masculinity is a real thing and it harms men. My problem with the red pill was never that men don’t struggle with dating. Of course they do. My problem is the entitlement and dismissal that women could have equal struggles with dating as well.

IcarusKiki · 2022-07-11T21:19:22+00:00

Decision fatigue lol but i dont expect men to empathize with that

Title	Q4W: what struggles do you face dating that men fail to empathize with?
Author	WhiskeyOnASunday93
Upvotes	31
Comments	342
Date	July 9, 2022 8:02 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/vv9uii/q4w_what_struggles_do_you_face_dating_that_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-what-struggles-do-you-face-dating-that-men.1122398 https://theredarchive.com/post/1122398

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