Who among us has "settled?"

xFallacyx69 · 2020-11-10T12:33:24+00:00

I “settled” for my first marriage. I knew it. She knew it. Her friends/family knew it. My friends/family knew it. Turns out that being an awesome husband (her words) will not guarantee you have an awesome wife. I wish her the best but she’s not really compatible with me and I should’ve seen that. I was happy in marriage, and I’m happy with my relationships since. She always tried to find a reason to be unhappy, and she’s still incredibly unhappy unfortunately. But she still treats me with common courtesy so we’re on good terms.

Willow-girl · 2020-11-10T13:28:23+00:00

I did in my second marriage. I didn't love him but I married him because I accidentally got pregnant. It seemed like the right thing to do for the child's sake. Also, he was a good man and I sincerely thought we could make a go of it, so I stuck around even after I miscarried a month after the wedding.

In retrospect, that marriage was a mistake. I never loved him the way a wife ought to love her husband. The things a woman will ordinarily put up with, without complaining, because she loves her man, just grated on me. It's hell when you have to pick up the dirty socks of a man you don't love! lol

The marriage wasn't a total loss, though. Because I was married, looking for love was off the table, so I focused on my career and did very well during those years. Also, I helped him achieve his lifelong dream of buying some land and building a big house in the country. So we both fared better materially than we would have if we hadn't met, I think.

There came a day when I looked around a realized I had everything I had ever wanted (or the capacity to acquire it) without the one thing that mattered most of all: a partner I really loved to share it with. And I'll tell you something, none of that other stuff really matters all that much.

After my parents died, I realized how short life was and that if I wasn't living in a true authentic way, I had no one to blame but myself. Everyone thought I was crazy when I struck out on my own. I left so much behind ... that divorce easily cost me 6 figures. But I figured that was the price of my freedom. An expensive mistake!

Twenty-plus years later, I have no regrets. I found what I was looking for. (Happily, my ex-husband remarried and things seem to have worked out well for him also.)

Gravel_Roads · 2020-11-10T11:47:09+00:00

There's a lot of confusion around this, as there seem to be two different versions of "settling" discussed on PPD:

Settling as Accepting Reality:

Used in a sentence: "It'd be nice to date a super model, but I settled on a girl who I can relate to really well."

It is the understanding that perfection is literally impossible, so you are "giving up" on waiting for an impossibly perfect person and "settling" for a person that actually exists outside of fantasy. In this way, all people "settle" in their relationships because no one can date the the fantasy that lives in their own head.

Settling As Giving Up

Used in a sentence: "I should stop trying to find a girl who likes me and just settle with whoever will take me."

This seems to be where the "NEVER SETTLE!" people are coming from. The contingent of PPD that claims women should stop "waiting for Chad" and "just date her looksmatch" would be settling in this way. A man who wants an emotionally supportive relationship but feels it's impossible, so he "settles" for the first woman that will have him regardless of her redflags as well.

People who "settle" in the first way are "settling" because they understand you can't expect total perfection, so they adjust to more healthy, realistic expectations for their partner. People who settle in the second way do so out of a sense of "not thinking they deserve good" so they are settling for literally bad things instead of walking away from a bad deal.

Essentially it's a matter of sanity, standards and what you think is fair to expect of your partner vs what you think is fair to expect for yourself.

I've done the former in every relationship I've had, because it's necessary for a healthy relationship. I've never done the latter, because it's healthy to walk away from things that we dont' want, especially if it hurt us.

md8716 · 2020-11-10T16:00:21+00:00

I married a girl who wasn't my ideal "type". She was the skinny, nerdy old school trad asian girl next door, which I had never paid attention to before in my life. Cute, but not hot. Looking at her you'd think I settled.

But man, she had all the wife skills times 10, loved to fuck her man, and treated me like a king. She had a little fire to her personality, and craved strong leadership like it was crack, and thus craved me. I'm her alpha that never got away. Married 10 years w/2 kids she's still my ride or die. Even in middle age she constantly works out and has a bangin body.

She wasn't my type before, but definitely is now.

MasterTeacher123 · 2020-11-10T11:53:17+00:00

People settle and then lie to themselves about how their partner is what they always wanted

“I always liked chubby guys with beer bellies who drive trucks”

-since · 2020-11-10T16:06:51+00:00

I've settled for now with an LTR that isn't as hot as the other girls I've pined.

It's just way less maintenance, responsibility, and consumption of resources. Women was never my focus, so i'm okay with this.

It's like owning an expensive car, vs a cheaper car. One of them needs money, time, maintenance, for high value experience, while the other just gets the job done, with minimal effort.

2020-11-10T13:18:31+00:00

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2020-11-10T15:52:05+00:00

I am going to define "settling" as not being in love with him or attracted to him, and when I was younger I did this. Everyone told me that looks were superficial and I should stop being shallow so I dated a guy I was not into, for over a year, and no one benefited from that. I ended up dumping him and breaking his heart because I had listened to bad advice to even date him in the first place. After that you would think I learned from this folly, but nope- did it again later and for a much longer time. This resulted in the same leaving him and breaking his heart, and I still feel like crap about it after so many years.

If you are not attracted to someone, just do the kind thing and leave them be. Nothing good comes of settling, you will leave pain and brokenness in your path. The sooner everyone figures this out the better.

Gerealtor · 2020-11-10T14:28:26+00:00

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SonicBackScratcher · 2020-11-10T12:24:41+00:00

If you actually love them, then settling isn't worth talking about.

MessiahJohnM · 2020-11-10T15:31:50+00:00

Settling is the idea that you could have better. I think it reflects more on the personality of the “settler” than anything.

Everyone “settles.” Everyone. But it doesn’t feel that way to us. If you feel you could “have better,” that relationship is doomed to fail. Resentment will build, a toxic relationship is all you have from the minute one tells themself they have settled.

On the other hand, everyone is settling because everyone is human (including their partner). I think covid has highlighted it, but relationships are hard. All of them. I don’t give a fuck how “hot” someone is...in the end, it really is their (both people’s )personality that determines a good relationship.

I’ve dated a “Stacey” who was physically abusive (no I did not hit back). I’ve dated women a red pill guy would probably reject/call “ugly” because they’re mildly overweight, but imo overweight women seem healthier mentally from what I’ve seen. Well fed = happy. “Perfect size” = batshit. Just my experience.

WilliamWyattD · 2020-11-10T12:20:10+00:00

You have to understand the paradox of settling. We are all weak, flawed human beings. Our sexuality tends to tempt us with things that are not necessarily in our true best interests, such as value surfaces over what is underneath.

Lots of times not being able to get the beauty or beefcake your hormones are tempting you with helps you end up with the person you should have chosen outright if you'd had the strength of character.

Now, sometimes people are desperate to marry at all costs and truly settle. But many times, not having better looking options helps you get the real gem.

mtorres266 · 2020-11-10T13:14:49+00:00

I haven't met anyone who liked me yet, but I'm pretty fucking lonely, which isn't good because chances are even if I met a girl who was abusive for example, I'd stay

So I'd settle for the first person that would want me,

Lunatic_Jiggles · 2020-11-10T14:21:39+00:00

There are probably more than 2 imposters among us.

2020-11-10T15:46:24+00:00

I guess I’ve settled for a life of providing for myself instead of slumming it with men in the hopes that I meet one that’s on my level.

Vulcan1347 · 2020-11-10T17:06:16+00:00

I've settled in life and I die a little more inside every day. I've settled for a relationship without love, without affection, without attraction, for the sake of financial security and routine. We've lived together for long enough now and our lives are so intertwined in terms of finances and investments, that I don't feel like I'd be able to walk away even if I wanted to. And I want to. We live together, sleep in separate bedrooms, try to avoid one another most of the time. We're civil, don't really argue. But she's never been social, never had any friends, doesn't associate with any family, never dated anyone but me in her life. She has no interest in having children. She only cares about money and investing. And I know that if I want to die a millionaire, staying with her is my best bet. So I do. I know I'll never have to worry about healthcare or what will happen to me as I start to get old.

I started dating other people a few years ago, simply because I was completely checked out of the relationship emotionally. And I had some amazing experiences with lovers and even fell in love. But those relationships never really last because the women know that nothing permanent can really come from our arrangement.

At this point, I've convinced myself that this woman is the only one who will stay with me for the rest of my life and even though we don't even like each other very much, I try to take comfort in the other things in life I have.

Notsonewguy7 · 2020-11-10T19:15:54+00:00

Settlings is only really a issue if you dated someone who matches your ideal and you're now in a relationship with someone that doesn't. Then the relationship is doomed by comparison.

trueorfalsedmitry · 2020-11-10T20:43:06+00:00

I didn't settle at all. My ex-wife did, however. That was the problem.

2020-11-10T14:40:56+00:00

I agree with the commenters who have been saying that your language of "settling" won't help your attempt to talk to people about their actual relationships.

For me, I married a great man. Is he rich? No. Is he Chad, as YOU probably see Chad in your mind's eye? Also no. Am I attracted to him? Yes. Has he worked hard for a living to help us build up civilized comforts? Also yes. He's been a hell of an addition to my life. I have some great things to say about him on the internet. What's the use in talking about "settling," or worrying about Chad over there hooking up with supermodels? Of course certain fantasies of Chad (note: "straight" RP men came up with these homoerotic fahtasies) have an appeal. The grass is always greener to some people. I got over that when I was like 17. It's called maturity. The reality of being with David Beckham probably would end up feeling far worse than what I've got now. Nothing in life is perfect, but I chose what works for me among the several options I could have pursued. This goes for my career as well as my marriage. It's life.

merlinscalculator · 2020-11-10T11:10:51+00:00

I’ve got an ideal man in my head. I’ve never met anyone even remotely close to being like this man. So I guess I’ve settled in all my relationships.

lepetitdaddydupeuple · 2020-11-10T14:15:57+00:00

I would never be able to "settle" so I went into polyamory.

I'm still married to a wonderful person. Being free to flirt or romance whoever I feel like while enjoying deep long-term stable relationships is one of the best feelings in the world.

I just love flirting and seduction so it would be impossible for me to not do practice at all (it's the thing that I've been missing the most since Covid changed our lives, and the first thing I'll do after getting vaccinated.

Physiologist21 · 2020-11-10T18:23:45+00:00

Most people do, as they should. Most people also way overvalue themselves. It's too bad people just can't learn to be happy with themselves and instead blame everyone else for their internal bs.

SocietalEngineering · 2020-11-10T14:03:47+00:00

Yeah, I’ll admit it, I settled to a degree.

I lost most of my sex drive, so all women look pretty much the same to me now, and none of them excite me.

So I picked the one I had the best connection with. Oh well.

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knight101black · 2020-11-10T16:40:15+00:00

I tried settling, but I was settling for girls who didn't want settle. "Turning a hoe into a housewife" as they say. I'm 18, 5'4 and look like I'm in my 20's. I'm already at a disadvantage because of my height with woman, but I don't let that stop me.

I've been in a few relationships in the past and they weren't beautiful. The recent was a waste of my time really. I met this girl over Instagram and we seemed to have hit off. We talked to each other off and on for at least a month or 2. I wanted to meet up with her, but she kept on playing games. She lived 40 MILES away from me, yes 40 MILES. I don't have a car sadly, but I live in Chicago=Metra.

So I would visit her every week on Sunday, for 5 hours. I'd come home at like 12 am on the south side of Chicago (we all know this isn't a good idea). I'd be traveling 80 miles...Just to see her. I went above a beyond but she barely put enough effort into the relationship.

She'd only text me at night and wouldn't be interesting in any way. Like... When I was with her, I would always start the conversation and end it. That's when I came across the red pill knowledge, even watched the movie. I was done, with being a simp, man. I'd be buy her gifts and shit, even when it wasn't a holiday. I looked at her snap score and I was like wtf. She even turned off her location. I was like bet.

I told her straight up "I'm breaking up with you, because you used me for attention, free food and that's it. You made no effort come visit me in Chicago even though I asked you to compromise, but you never listened. You text me at like 12-3 am because it's convenient for you I believe you're talking to a guy(s) (I also had that guy feeling you know?)."

After that, I blocked her on all socials in went through the process. Then she stalked my Instagram (with a second account) I didn't say anything. I just moved on. That made me realize that relationships aren't for me. I was getting females who were uninteresting or with a lot of baggage. I don't want to fix them. I have enough shit I've gone through, how can I fix them as well? I don't mind a woman who's gone through something, what I dislike is when they don't seek professional help and expect a "nice guy", which was me at the time, to fix them, I'm not doing it. I've learnt to never settle for less. If a person, no matter the gender, doesn't meet your realistic standards, don't waste your time.

rubbooyuri · 2020-11-10T20:43:29+00:00

I have

It’s not difficult

superlurkage · 2020-11-11T18:33:47+00:00

most people settle, pill dudes

and they seem happier than a lot of you

i did all the time, and it worked

Suck-Less · 2020-11-12T20:27:40+00:00

We all settle. If you think your partner didn’t settle with you, then you are a narcissist. The problem isn’t setting, the problem is setting for the wrong things.

ThatGirl50 · 2020-11-10T13:28:57+00:00

Who in their right mind loves a partner and would call it settling. Psychopaths. Is anyone perfect, no! I love him for every flaw and every argument

SaBahRub · 2020-11-10T13:54:45+00:00

I always settle.

The heart wants what it wants, and the heart is a moron.

reluctantly_red · 2020-11-10T15:57:13+00:00

Everyone settles -- although they may delude themselves otherwise.

mapplemobs · 2020-11-13T17:13:29+00:00

Wanted to take this seriously and then I read "Chad" and "Stacy" in the first sentence. Immediately stopped caring about whatever the point was here.

daproest1 · 2020-11-10T15:01:51+00:00

Emotionally supportive exists, but it’s usually not with a very attractive girl. I myself can’t really feel anything if I don’t like what I’m looking at. Catch 22.

poppy_blu · 2020-11-10T22:33:17+00:00

We all settle to a degree. Perfection does not exist. There are things that drive me crazy about my H and things I might change, and same for him.

Doesn’t mean you’re not happy.

Settling in a practical sense just means the point where the negatives outweigh the positives.

princessangelbaby_ · 2020-11-10T12:00:55+00:00

My BF is alpha bucks BUT we both settled because we both have other options. Everyone with options settles.

throw-away-1709 · 2020-11-10T13:11:39+00:00

Was. Til her menopause.

2020-11-10T15:08:57+00:00

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Kizka · 2020-11-10T15:47:23+00:00

I guess because there's no person alive who is perfect, we are all kind of settling in one way or the other. But I also believe in making ourselves into the "perfect" person for each other. Doesn't mean changing your whole personality, some kind of basis should be there from the beginning. I am still in my first real, adult relationship (I don't really count teenage "relationships" that lastet for two or three weeks), next year it will be 8 years. I see us as rough diamonds, that rub on each other and shape each other into the brilliants we hopefully be someday. We're working on being the right fit for each other. I think if the love for each other exist and based on that both partners are willing to work on being the partner the other one needs then there's no real settling. But of course the correct basis needs to be present from the beginning, you can't wish something into existence out of thin air, there needs to be a basis of compatibility you can then work with.

NotGoingoutofMW · 2020-11-10T16:49:05+00:00

Most guys here would say i settled but i don't care lol. She is a fitness addict like me and initiates sex more than me even though i want every day but she ist just faster with it.

wtknight · 2020-11-10T18:52:54+00:00

My wife is from a developing country. She is better looking when compared to the American women who I could attract, but her earning potential is limited compare to the American women who I could attract, so I did “settle” in that aspect. However, this is fine with me, because I don’t like the hypergamous financial demands that western women often place upon men. Our household has less money than it might have if I married some educated American woman, but I’m happy with what we have and so is she, so that’s really all that matters.

Aaod · 2020-11-10T21:53:45+00:00

After dating a hot crazy woman I dated more normal women ranging from 3-5 looks wise and that is with me being generous and it didn't make a difference they either treated me badly or left because they only wanted the Chad types. One woman I dated was a 3/10 on a good day but broke up with me to date a guy with a trust fund that beat her.

Ooooh ooh or what about the woman I helped a ton quit smoking, get a better job so she could move out of her parents house, lose 45 pounds by hitting the gym with me and teaching her to cook who then broke up with me to start bouncing on the cock carousel because now she was good looking enough to do so.

Women would literally rather take beatings than settle for someone near their level even if he treats them very well so I gave up because I am not going to take the red pill route of abusing and mistreating women even if it gets me a partner.

ItWasBrokenAlready · 2020-11-11T13:07:58+00:00

Everyone in this thread makes it ("settling") seem like a rational, counted pros-and-cons decision. In that way, even choosing your perfect celebrity crush would be settling. Fortunately (depending on perspective) that rarely happens as our brain chemistry is pretty awesome at smoothing those things over and making the experience narcotic from first person perspective. Love makes you blind, etc, etc. I don't mean it in a profound way, like it's necessary always a good thing, but hey - infatuations, crushes etc happen to not-so-perfect people and make them seem temporarily perfect in someone's eyes. My first love was rather short (and made of cringe highschool poetry :D) , but if he ever picked me I wouldn't consider that settling at all, hell, I would have ditched any 6ft+ guy in the world for a chance of his kiss. Silly maybe, but in my experience that happens a lot. Or does it not? Is dating now really so passionless and reluctantly heterosexual?

2020-11-12T11:11:55+00:00

I've settled in pump n dumps. But I won't ever settle when it comes to a LTR.

geyejoe7 · 2020-11-13T13:30:08+00:00

My fiancée is 10 times better looking for me. I'd say she settled, but she's 20. No reason to settle lol.

jackandjill22 · 2020-11-14T02:02:56+00:00

Title	Who among us has "settled?"
Author	majani
Upvotes	67
Comments	362
Date	November 10, 2020 9:03 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/jrhr7v/who_among_us_has_settled/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/who-among-us-has-settled.1193560 https://theredarchive.com/post/1193560

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