You have to approach women to get a relationship

jellybeanzandtings · 2023-05-10T01:27:07+00:00

Post changed to CMV for making affirmative claim and to avoid circlejerking.

Solid-Guitar-2728 · 2023-05-10T02:12:12+00:00

In theory, I agree.

I also wanted to be a father and have a family and a loving wife, but I'm 31 one and honestly I don't see that happening in a comfortable peace even if it starts today. Imagine raising a kid in your 40s, trying to get your woman fertile because she is too old for this, etc. So I'm slowly deconstructing this idea of a family, now focusing on finding inner peace and pleasure elsewhere. From God, to just watching TV, maybe getting a pet... all those things can help even if they are cope to a point.

You have to consider a few things:

Many of these men already had a period they approached a lot, but also rejected a lot, sometimes all the time. That creates a kind of trauma, even if they get attractive later. Apps made it 10x worse.
Most men today don't have an environment to approach a variety of women. Approaching during work is taboo, at churches or social clubs there are limited options that are often partnered, when you start a work life friends move on so you are trapped in your apartment because going out alone looks pathetic at best and you look dangerous at worse, etc.
Some men may get women approaching, but not necessarily the kind of women they want. For example, I can approach a nice fat underaverage woman, but those women don't really excite me... better watch porn.
Many women rely on online dating and see approaching as too intrusive. Even if you are "friendly" they see it as a form of manipulation, so you cannot win: (a) either you are aggressive and tell your intentions and they get mad or (b) you play nice and are seen as a manipulator or creepy.
Women claim to not approach, which is true, but they do orbit around men they are attracted to hoping they approach them. 80% of men are not even close to being attractive for being "orbited".
Men can live without approaching women or even sex. I know, it is weird since men are so horny, but men also have more options than ever: prostitution, porn, videogames, antidepressants, etc. That is how rapes go down by the day, so it is a plus for women.
You don't know which women want to be approached and which ones want to be left alone, and the later can play very nasty, from public manipulation to legal action or social shame.
Women don't need men anymore to survive so they see men as luxury objects to cause jelausly to their friends, just as men now see women as sexual objects instead the future mother of their children.

Sure-Vermicelli4369 · 2023-05-10T01:35:38+00:00

Nope. We aren't.

This is what women asked for.

MoldovaImComing · 2023-05-10T02:46:31+00:00

Why should I be randomly approaching women, gassing them up, dancing like a performing monkey, when they do nothing for me? I’m not opening myself up to public humiliation and potential harassment charges for some social-media-addled narcissist with entitlement issues.

The modern woman created a world where basically anything a guy does can be used to label him an abuser, assassinate his character and cancel him. If women don’t like that other women made the world this way, why didn’t they do a single thing to stop it? Why did they allow an angry minority of neurotic virtue signallers to codify open misandry into the law in every Western nation?

Until proven otherwise, I’m going to assume the risks outweigh the rewards of interacting with strange women I don’t know.

If women want a relationship with me, they can approach, they can risk ridicule and public shaming. Welcome to equality.

FlaMan407 · 2023-05-10T01:34:17+00:00

Women are not going to hurt you

Lmao

KommandaKoopa · 2023-05-10T05:32:08+00:00

Why do most guys these days even bother? The effort isn’t worth the reward most the time, and it makes you an easy target.

TurtleDickSlap · 2023-05-10T02:16:06+00:00

I say this because from the sound of it, it seems like a lot of guys here don’t really approach women and then they complain about how bad dating is.

This does not make sense. If they're complaining about their failures and struggles, then they are approaching.

I could be wrong but a lot of guys here don’t seem to be acting confidently, striking up conversations with women, approaching them comfortably.

"Just be confident and approach comfortably" is the second most blue-pilled advice ever, next to "just be yourself". Confidence is an illusion and subject to the attractiveness of the person doing it. An unattractive man is seen as weird doing the same thing that an attractive man will be called confident for. Approaching comfortably is subject to the same social filter - a fit handsome man will automatically be less threatening towards a woman in a social setting than an oily basement nerd.

They just seem to be complaining that the dating world sucks but how much effort are they really putting in?

Depends. This is actually the only thing you've said so far that I agree with, but not for the reason you think.

The effort that men put in to be successful with women has nothing to do with women or how we approach them. The effort that matters is the effort we put in on ourselves to make us more attractive than our competition. Are you in the gym? Is your money right? Are you developing interesting hobbies? Do you have a solid sense of self and inner strength?

Are they really getting to know women? Are they really asking women out on dates?

You don't get that chance unless you get past that hurdle. Plenty of good men will never find love because they can't clear that arbitrary bar.

I feel like a lot of men on this sub just complain from what they hear

You can feel like whatever you want. Unless you have experience on the field, you're just another spectator in the stands.

It's easy to fall into this mindset to be honest. The men who are successful with women forget that they're successful because, usually, they have some kind of advantage that their peers don't and it's easy to say "those guys aren't really trying" like the sexual marketplace is a pure meritocracy.

Women are not going to hurt you,

Men don't red pill men, women red pill men.

Chao-Z · 2023-05-10T02:21:01+00:00

I've noticed over the few days since I first discovered this sub that it doesn't actually matter how good/effective I think red pill actually is because 75% of this sub doesn't seem to practice what they preach anyway.

Due-Lie-8710 · 2023-05-10T04:52:30+00:00

Most people who end up dating usually do from the friend of a friend or online dating , people are lying when they say women don't use online dating, it Is alot of couples meet each other now adays

https://increditools.com/how-many-couples-meet-online/

Dating specifically for men is burning out whether you cold approach or not , it is increasingly becoming the least successful way to approach women

Most people meet through friends, schools or hobbies, that's it. cold approaching random women doesn't actually work that's why it sucks

Plus alot of women give advice to men to never approach women in public and I mean alot of women give this advice so much online and its even actually happening in real life because there are alot of examples of women being unreceptive

Det_Steve_Sloan · 2023-05-10T08:51:12+00:00

Women let men they want to approach them know, without saying anything. This doesn't always signal intent. As an attractive guy, the BIGGEST frustration I have is women in relationships flirting and playing IOI bullshit just to see if they can have you.

If you're both flirting, establish very early whether or not she has a boyfriend. Because if anything, women in relationships are worse flirts than those who are not. A hot girl who has settled with an above-average boyfriend and has been with him for a while, with him starting to take her for granted, is going to play these shitty validation games with you... the guy who has gotten his shit together.

Ok_Tomorrow_3963 · 2023-05-10T01:27:28+00:00

Not true. I've been approached by women a few times in my life. And I've been around attractive men that are constantly being approached.

I've approached hundreds (maybe thousands) but I no longer approach women. The kind women I can get are just not likeable enough, it's not worth it for me.

SadEtherealNoob69420 · 2023-05-10T03:50:05+00:00

I cant im not attractive enough for women to break their rules for me. 💀

I live in a small country so if I approach women and get called a creep it will spread like wildfire.

You have a fair point though.

happy_discus · 2023-05-10T08:08:40+00:00

Yeah duh. Of course you have to talk to people to get a relationship. More News at 10.

I disagree with one point though.

"Women aren't going to hurt you."

They are, you are going to be ridiculed and harassed even sometimes publicly shamed or reported for harassment. I had most of these things happen to myself, apart from being reported, and nearly all of my male friends. It will hurt a lot but it's the only way to get a partner so you have to take the pain.

noresultguy · 2023-05-10T09:43:37+00:00

We know that but the problem with cold approach is most guys will approach maybe 10 women get rejected 10 times and stop for life. You have to be a psychopath to not be affected by a close to 90% rejection rate.

Main_Brilliant_248 · 2023-05-10T12:23:03+00:00

Rejection is a very small reasoning now. In the days after metoo, I’m not approaching. If they really want it, they can approach.

TheDustLord · 2023-05-10T13:11:55+00:00

Women are not going to hurt you

They’ve given each other the freedom to hate and abuse other people without consequence. It’s not worth the risk.

FinancialElephant · 2023-05-10T02:58:57+00:00

The approach thing doesn't really work. You can definately go ahead and try. A small number of women will be open and adventurous enough to meet someone that way. I've approached a number of times, not in the 100s like a comment here but also more than a couple of times.

I think the comment here talking about social circle had the right idea. That is probably the best and most natural way to meet girls.

Approaching works great if you are handsome/suave, the less handsome you are the more likely you will be seen as creepy. Also if you are brown or "ethnic" I think there is a higher chance you will be seen as creepy (unless you are in an area where your ethnicity is the majority). I don't think people should ever be afraid of being a creep though. As long as you know you're a good person I say go for it if you want.

Still, I think it's a lot more fun talking to someone who wants to talk to you. I think thinking in terms of "approach" is the wrong away. I think it is best to be in fluid social situations where you can just talk to people without many barriers. The "classic" approach is just not often much fun.

It can be a little fun with canned lines or when I was having a good time joking around, but feeling like "you have to approach" and kind of forcing yourself to do it just does not feel good.

Reptheft · 2023-05-10T05:06:50+00:00

Modern women are increasingly shunning cold approaches in favor of online dating/social circles.

AidsVictim · 2023-05-10T07:24:02+00:00

If you're part of a "good" social circle then IRL approach works. You just ask out women that are friends of friends at whatever social event after hanging around each other a bit.

The difference now is that most men don't have that strong social circle. Cold approaching has never really been successful for the average man (that's why the majority in prime dating age of 20's are now single). Some men have the personality to be successful cold approaching but it's a small minority and IMO it's actually quite difficult to change this regardless of how much advice, red or blue, one consumes.

Anyway for all the hate OLD receives it's really not that bad. Average or less social men have about as good a chance on there as they do IRL. It also has better gender ratios than most places outside of a few major cities.

colonize_mars2023 · 2023-05-10T11:31:40+00:00

" seems like a lot of guys here don’t really approach women and then they complain about how bad dating is"

I'm also in habit of not spending my weekly wages on a casino roulette each payday, because I can calculate risk-reward ratio.

In another words - just the common knowledge about current status of dating market based on their personal/friend circle is enough to deter a lot of men, and that's understandable.

Substantial_Video560 · 2023-05-10T11:57:17+00:00

I would much prefer to spend my precious time when I'm not working which is usually always, pursuing more worthwhile things like hobbies and interests where I get a greater level of enjoyment and satisfaction.

I've found the older I've got I've less time for playing games and having to be a perorming monkey for someone's attention.

Hot-Law2682 · 2023-05-10T13:37:58+00:00

There is nothing "normal and natural" about approaching random people in public. Cold approaches have an extremely, extremely low success rate and are just not common.

Other people have already posted the numbers, the point is that most relationships are found online (likely through a dating app), friends, work, or school (through being in the same classes or clubs).

What all these have in common is these situations lead to warm approaches. There is some form of preselection that can assure the person you are at least relatively normal.

The exceptions are bars/clubs. Obviously if you go to a bar/club its normal to try to approach women, but this is an environment meant for approaching and meeting partners.

Do whatever you want, but understand that cold approaching random women in public spaces is not the normal thing guys do to find partners. And for this reason the idea that someone isn't "putting in effort" if they aren't cold approaching is silly too.

OpticalEpilepsy · 2023-05-10T02:12:45+00:00

No you don't. If you stop attempting to pursue women romantically and disregard what women want one day you will wake up in a relationship.

AutoModerator · 2023-05-10T01:12:53+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

2023-05-10T01:29:34+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Ciabatta_Scoober · 2023-05-10T03:06:17+00:00

Like approach in general or cold approach at a club or in the grocery store or something?

The problem for guys is when you specify one or the other.

For cold approaches I don’t think they work for a majority of guys, and the risks they talk about here are more real.

For warm approaches where you have something in common and start just getting to know each other as people, the odds are better but you need women to actually go out to places where this can happen.

Outside of school and work modern women have too much anxiety to even exist in these spaces in equal number to the men who are out looking for women to meet.

Odd_Interest_5311 · 2023-05-10T03:19:56+00:00

I've had 6 relationships and never approached.

CommunityOk7466 · 2023-05-10T03:47:16+00:00

I disagree. I think plenty of them are approaching women, they just aren't doing it right to get what thier looking for, and no one let's them know how.

TheRedPillRipper · 2023-05-10T01:37:41+00:00

suffer from anxiety

Or fear. As it’s a powerful emotion.

Are they really getting to know women

I’ve never really struggled with this. I’m extroverted. I’m also genuinely interested in people. So meeting new people really ‘fills my cup’. That said I didn’t approach my now wife. We ‘met’ through our mutual networks. My cousin was her former colleague’s friend. I was at a conference, and bumped into my cousin’s friend, and her. My cousin’s friend introduced us, and I got my partner’s digits. She hit me up, but I was dating another woman. Once I was single, I hit her back. The rest is history.

The key about really getting to know women, is you don’t have to. The easiest way I’ve found, is to simply focus on enlarging your social circles. It doesn’t have to be in-depth either. My partner was my cousin’s friend’s colleague.

Godspeed and good luck!

trail22 · 2023-05-10T04:25:48+00:00

With how single women react, it is not normal to approach women in a social situation.

Looks matter and you realize very quickly how women will make up their mind about you before you even open your mouth.

Lower-Recognition420 · 2023-05-10T01:35:30+00:00

Like I said in a previous post, FUCK NO.

Ecstatic-Status9352 · 2023-05-10T02:32:53+00:00

Lots of women are under the belief that men will throw up in their mouths if we approach said men

kkkuromiii · 2023-05-10T05:10:24+00:00

can just tell that a lot of the commenters don’t get out much

volleyballbeach · 2023-05-10T02:31:25+00:00

It is normal and natural to approach politely however you don’t have to approach in order to get a girlfriend. For example, I approached my boyfriend.

nicoleberry16 · 2023-05-10T02:51:21+00:00

Well yeah duh, how would anything, friendship or a relationship, start if no one makes a first move? Of course all relationships had to start at some point.

But I wouldn't say men should be always encouraged to approach, especially if they aren't attractive (and they know it). That just screams lack of self awareness.

Personally I find approaches annoying, particularly cold approaches where I'm minding my own business. They fall into the category of unwanted attention for me. Also I think men tend to overlook the fact that we do approach guys we like. But for some reason that fact is considered to be some rare exception. It isn't.

vinhdiesel · 2023-05-10T01:42:20+00:00

In nature, males court the females. So yeah... You never receive if you never ask 🤷‍♂️

lolmastr13 · 2023-05-10T03:10:44+00:00

If you cold approach your chances are literally less than 0

AFuzzyMuffin · 2023-05-10T02:26:49+00:00

You are right sir, lots of men are rooted in fear

Orangematcha · 2023-05-10T01:44:27+00:00

Something that would help those struggling is simply treating women as people. Some guys simply get infatuated at every turn. You’re not gonna date every woman. Why not befriend the majority. Through exposure you’ll be eased into it and be able to vet good and bad matches. By having issues to talk to them in general you’re only adding extra barriers to yourself to later complain about.

shine_light888 · 2023-05-10T11:12:46+00:00

They are going on dating apps and looking to go directly for sex without any courtship. That’s why it’s now considered “ to much work “ to actually use courtship strategies. They now resent what people have done since the beginning of time.

Now our technology movement eliminated the barriers to dating however in some cases, the barriers aren’t necessarily a bad thing because we can meet our spouses that way too. It’s just how people are using it.

I feel like immaturity has a lot to do with this too.

Joelypoely88 · 2023-05-10T03:06:27+00:00

Technically no, but as a general rule yes. My GF approached me, but it's an outlier of course.

Fogofit24 · 2023-05-10T03:08:51+00:00

Idk. I have never been in a relationship with women I have approached. Good dates. Sex. Friendships. But my relationships have come from social circle. I agree with the sentiment, but for me the social circle approach is less of shooting in the dark. But I do think approaching is good practice

SteveSan82 · 2023-05-10T06:13:04+00:00

Every relationship I had since discovering the Red Pill has been from cold approaching. Internet and apps are full of time wasting attention seekers

Treacle-Flimsy · 2023-05-10T07:46:57+00:00

You absolutely have. Men approach, women are to be approached. With that being said, I try to approach women regularly whether it's cold approach or through apps, and it gets really frustrating at the amount of work I need to do vs them. My results are mixed, my main source of dates is cold approach with success rate around 90/10 on a very good week and probably 99/1 on the apps because I'm one of those who made a "swiping machine" so I don't have to waste my time. And let's not pretend that the sheer amount of rejection men face isn't deterrent enough, you'll never be confident in yourself if you were put in men's shoes and be constantly rejected

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-05-10T11:23:37+00:00

You have to approach women to get a relationship

Or see if you have luck on Bumble or at dating events where only women can approach.

But yeah, anyone who wants to date and isn't getting dates (regardless of gender) should be asking at least ten people a week, whether on an app or in their own social circles.

Maelas84 · 2023-05-10T11:50:28+00:00

I think the only complaints people are making, pertain to online dating. At least from what I am seeing. If we are excluding online dating, then this argument is clear. But with online, you dont have to approach women IRL to see whats going on and complain about it.

modidlee · 2023-05-10T12:59:22+00:00

A lot of guys today really just want to be treated like the “baddies” they see getting attention on social media

obviousredflag · 2023-05-10T13:07:32+00:00

The men with problems here have WAY larger problems than just not approaching women. They are so far away of being an acceptable/desirable romantic or sexual partner, that "approaching" would be the last step in a 1000 step program to get them there.

dolltron69 · 2023-05-10T13:30:06+00:00

It's probably more important to not be a 'billy no mates' (a loner with no friends) because women seek a sort of reference with your friends and the girlfriends/family of those friends.

If a women sees a loner then it flashes red warning lights because women are scared you're going to rape and kill them (unconsciously) , they are naturally more wary.

Your looks are the first thing seen and so if you look like shit and you can't make up for it in any other way then you'd have to tick every other box.

If you are ugly, scruffy, fat and you're a billy no mates with mental problems your odds of getting anywhere useful is basically zero. Past age 40 the odds of doing much about it is slim, you can only hedge bets on sexbots and/or take up buddhism so you don't jump off a roof.

That's the position incels (whether they call themselves that or not doesn't matter, it's a crap name since it's not solely about sex) are in.

Everyone else is something near to this or at the far end where they are party animals with bags of cash and confidence and are popular.

The people at that far end cannot see the other side and vice versa because you either have social skills and want to be around people or you are a lone wolf introvert. And unfortunately the cost of being intelligent , safe and a loner is mental illness i.e your personality tanks and you have no social circle, no feedback outside the internet and your own brain. That's the trap...if you fall in that one you might stay there.

That's basically me , I can be described simply as schizoid but my observation is those tendencies or this dynamic is happening to people without this disorder almost like a virus and i don't know why. But maybe it is because the technology you are using each day was designed by introverts and people like me and so there is now a schizoid mind virus

ryboto · 2023-05-10T14:44:15+00:00

I know this. It's a confidence and insecurity thing. Also, even though I'm the healthiest I've ever been, I can't do too many drinks in a week as it affects my skin. The only place I'm familiar with in the area that women congregate socially, is the bars..we have no clubs. I suppose cold approaching at a gym or super market is a possibility, but I rarely see women in my gym, and I'm not grocery shopping too often.

So...like I know I need to, and I know expressing that vulnerability will help me to be comfortable approaching more women, I just don't know when it's appropriate outside of a bar scene, which, on my own(all my friends are married) is intimidating. Just go for it anyway, right?

Comfortable-Dare-307 · 2023-05-10T15:07:15+00:00

True. But since now women can accuse anyone of sexual harassment by talking to them and being ugly or poor, it's not a good idea to approach women. Unless you're tall, dark, hamsome, rich, and drive something expensive.

ginasaurus-rex · 2023-05-10T15:54:50+00:00

I have never and will never understand the BFD around "the approach" that is made on this sub. Absolutely none of my long-term relationships were began by being cold-approached by a stranger. We met through mutual interests and friends. I met a former boyfriend because we both ran in the local theatre scene. My husband I met when a friend brought him rock climbing with us. The odds of you finding more than a casual hookup through a cold approach are slim.

Eastern-Action1384 · 2023-05-10T22:49:36+00:00

In my younger days I was rejected so much, that I gave up. Than I learned the truth, women are the ones who approach men first, by giving him some kind of sign. Looking at him, smiling at him etc. So that the men will go in and try his luck. If not he will get rejected. I am talking here about average men.

RealAmericanWeasel · 2023-05-11T02:22:59+00:00

I’ve always approached them and haven’t had one yet but I agree with you. They’re not approaching me so what choice do I have?

WanabeInflatable · 2023-05-11T12:59:55+00:00

1) being polite doesn't guarantee you won't be rejected in a very rude manner or even shamed for trying.

2) on the other hand, not making the first move, while being around girls in a company, being in a good shape, well dressed and moderately successful - gives you a good chance to be approached by a girl. So making the first move is not always necessary. Many happy I know exist thanks to female initiative.

odd_cloud · 2023-05-11T13:12:29+00:00

What if I told you that some (idk if it’s minority or majority) of guys who discuss all this stuff approached in the past, but it didn’t work for them?

H8beingmale · 2023-05-11T21:15:40+00:00

well duh this is nothing new

Frequency	% of Men (18-29)
None	18.10%
Once or twice	10.00%
Once a month	5.24%
2 or 3 times a month	18.57%
About once a week	14.76%
2 or 3 times a week	17.14%
More than 3 times a week	16.19%

Answer	Percentage
Inapplicable	42%
Do not know/cannot choose	3%
Not at all	12%
Once or twice	6%
Once a month	3%
2-3 times a month	10%
Once a week	7%
2-3 times a week	9%
3+ times a week	8%

Answer	Percentage
Not at all	22%
Once or twice	11%
Once a month	5%
2-3 times a month	19%
Once a week	13%
2-3 times a week	16%
3+ times a week	14%

Answer	Percentage
Inapplicable	68%
Not at all	2%
Once or twice	4%
Once a month	4%
2-3 times a month	7%
Once a week	4%
2-3 times a week	2%
3+ times a week	10%

You have to approach women to get a relationship

Comments

MeToo.

rantover

Title	You have to approach women to get a relationship
Author	Youngking41
Upvotes	41
Comments	386
Date	May 10, 2023 1:12 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/13dc5qk/you_have_to_approach_women_to_get_a_relationship/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/you-have-to-approach-women-to-get-a-relationship.1218840 https://theredarchive.com/post/1218840