Common dating advice straight up doesn’t work for the average guy struggling with dating

Logical_Breadfruit49 · 2026-02-23T18:49:21+00:00

Don't skip genetics day is the advice they always forget to give.

PrecisionHat · 2026-02-23T16:13:52+00:00

What a lot of men fail to realize about women is this; most women value authenticity above all else in the dating. They’re always going to tell you to “just be yourself” because they don’t like the idea of someone presenting a calculated, strategic version of himself in dating.

All that Machiavellian, game-theory shit scares all women. Most women (if not any) don’t subscribe to that. Even if your true self eliminates you from the dating world and you end up alone forever, to them it’s a net benefit. There are reasons you’re not dating and if you present that version of yourself to the world so you can easily be filtered out , it’s gonna save everyone time, effort and keep the world safe.

On a biological level, it makes sense. There’s a safety component. Women are naturally cautious about deception, manipulation, and hidden intentions. Especially So when they say “be yourself,” it’s not just some altruistic, feel good advice. It’s practical. They genuinely believe it’s not worth getting involved with someone if you aren’t authentic.

I know it’s harsh to hear but if it comes to them they would rather you die off lonely than to deceive another woman. Women can’t deal with uncertainty on the level men can imo.

Basically Be yourself is simply : be happy with yourself and what you are; and hopefully that would satisfy you enough to not bother anyone. If you manage to miraculously get someone to like you than that’s great, if not we don’t give af, you’re better off lonely anyway.

ComfortableJeans · 2026-02-23T09:14:49+00:00

I've always interpreted "Just be yourself" to mean that, you either do that, or play a character for your whole life.

Less that just be yourself would inherently help you get a partner, but more so, just be yourself, because what else can you do?

I mean, are you going to do a pretend character in order to impress someone by presenting a faux person in order to to win them over, for the rest of your life?

You either be you, or you pretend to be someone else.

It's not as though a person can totally switch up who they are by dropping the character, and expect that person to want to transition from the short term, into the long term with them.

It feels like a nicer way of letting someone know that though they might be totally fucked, they do technically stand a better chance of finding someone who they don't have to pretend to be someone else around, if they just don't pretend.

You're not going to go the long haul with someone you can't be yourself around.

You might just be fucked and unattractive to women, but at the same time, if what you want is long term, you're going to need to be authentic.

If it's short term, I guess a person can technically create whatever sort of character they wanted in order to deceive someone into believing they're something other than they are and sleep with them.

I'd say it's immoral, but that might not matter to some people.

Mela_ninja · 2026-02-23T09:15:05+00:00

I don’t think it’s malicious but rather ignorance by using their experience and perceiving it as the norm.

Women tend to have the priveledge of being desired so their focus tends to be on other aspects (safety, commitment etc.). While men tend to have the priveledge of safety and commitment (more times than not) so they tend to focus on desirability.

That’s why often you see the advice women generally give men isn’t as effective. It’s like how your parents thought you going to offices and giving your resume is what you need to do to get the job. While that might’ve been effective at there time the work culture is heavily different now.

Men should get advice from men who are successful in dating while still keeping an appropriate amount of skepticism.

mysterycode · 2026-02-23T09:41:43+00:00

Many sectors of the redpill/blackpill certainly are true and I find people denying it funny. As an autistic dude, they've been some of the only sets of advice that have tapped me more into what it means to contain masculinity or a sense of polarity in a relationship. My whole young and adult life I'd be somewhat confused when date after date, encounter after encounter goes poorly and I have no clue why. After integrating the "vibe" or techniques from blackpill/rp it's like the puzzle pieces that were missing finally fall into place, and it feels refreshing. Honestly, I'm actually upset that it's the way it is, and I really really wish more bluepilled theories about short to mid-term dating were true.

Getting generic advice that I've heard 10000 times was very frustrating, so I feel you there too. Even therapists wouldn't really understand my situation as a socially awkward individual and gave me mindless advice.

I do believe sections of the blue pill very much become relevant the closer or more serious a relationship becomes. If you're not already selected though, you really have to claw your way out of the inkwell and it's fascinating sitting and watching people discredit the struggle.

As a side note, maybe some woman can chime in but it's always felt as if women deep down hate the autistic men out there. Not an accusation at all, but that is the energy I feel whenever I've been around in public/social settings, or on a date that isn't going well because I forgot to/don't have the energy to artificially "normiemax". At this point, I act as if I were asexual when I'm in social settings with women and I can tell it's not healthy to repress my sexuality like that.

No hate btw, I only believe what I do because I find it to be genuinely true, and I'd rather act on what I intuitively feel to be true rather than play a facade. Seemly it makes me and the women I'm with happier.

Popeoath · 2026-02-23T14:27:05+00:00

To be fair I think a lot of people are using "just be yourself" as alternative way of saying "don't be shy", which is technically something you really usually can't afford to be as a straight man... But the phrasing overlooks the the fact that some dudes are in fact naturally timid, passive, and submissive. In their cases they have to be the opposite of themselves lol.

ViolentShallot · 2026-02-23T09:44:12+00:00

I think you're mixing two quite separate things here. The be yourself problem and the "I tell you what you need to do to keep a woman that's already attracted to you" problem.

Both come from the same source, but they are different issues.

Creation_Soul · 2026-02-23T10:02:24+00:00

I think we must accept two facts:

there is no such thing as advice that will work for everybody
there will be people that unfortunately will not find long term romantic love.

the obvious next question is: what happens if/when RP "actionable advice" doesn't work (i am sure it doesn't work for all people, as with any advice)?

AngelEyes_9 · 2026-02-23T10:01:07+00:00

Red pill advice works for people who have the potential but they are not flat out panty droppers. Unless you want to become a beta buxer.

When you are a really attractive man, you have to be autistic or socially retarded to struggle with women because they basically throw themselves at you since your teens.

When you are unattractive or lower-average, the advice on how to behave, "hold a frame" and all these red pill teachings are going to be mostly useless because you lack the fundamentals to even open the door. Again, unless you want to be keen on the money spending part of the advice but I think that many men struggle with the notion of buying themselves into a relationship and would rather pay for hookers. The first scenario would crush my pride more than the latter.

Higher-average and good looking yet not flat out handsome men are those who really can utilize the red pill to the fullest. Their results will probably improve once they stop behave like simps and stand their ground when dealing with women. These guys can also utilize the classic PUA methods, because when you are solid but not a stunner you often get the chance to go on a date but you need to behave the right way and don’t fuck it up.

Lonely_Cycle4757 · 2026-02-23T12:05:45+00:00

The irony is that, no dude who is successful with dating ever tells you to "be yourself".

What they tell you instead is: "Work on yourself", which, when broken down for examples of what that means (as you can see from a number of examples in this very thread), loosely translates to: "Be more of what women want you to be."

Vlad_The_Great_2 · 2026-02-23T11:24:06+00:00

A lot of dating advice found in Reddit or online in general is pretty bad. The most obvious advice that has results is work out often, dress nice, talk to women often, and try to improve your financial situation. After that it’s just a numbers game and luck for men.

TimeCell_MoonPalace · 2026-02-23T19:53:26+00:00

I mean of course there is some weight to the complaints that guys have that women are in fact increasingly more demanding/delusional in their standards but to be honest that’s only one part of it and it is way too focused on. It’s there sure but it’s not preventing whole swaths of men from dating completely.

A very important factor that I seldom see brought up here is location. If you’re in the suburbs of a small city or just in a smaller city in general you’re going to have a drastically harder time meeting people. Sure sometimes you get lucky and meet someone through mutual friends but that’s not always an option for some people. That leads to the over reliance on dating apps (which I myself have been guilty of).

I have noticed in the past if I was somewhere other than where I live my dating profiles would get some traction. Not go from 0 to 1000 likes but there was a noticeable up tick. If you’ve been in dating apps where you have lived for a while that’s a huge problem in terms of how effective they are going to be for you. If you live in a megapolis like NYC or LA sure you might never run out of people to swipe on, but a smaller city? Yeah you might be SoL. Another huge factor that is seldom mentioned is just plain luck. There is no advice that can fix luck obviously, and location, I mean if you want to move go for it but I would say it’s very risky to do so just to meet a partner. You have to be okay with basically soft resetting your life, and for some people they are okay with that, for others, they aren’t and they will continue to struggle dating if they don’t have a massive social circle- which most people don’t.

Livid-Log7463 · 2026-02-23T10:50:33+00:00

A guy cant “be himself” he has to be the guy women are capable of being attracted to and if that isn’t himself then authenticity and relationships won’t both be possible.

kmb218 · 2026-02-23T09:08:57+00:00

You are ignoring a large chunk of common advice. When I go on reddit and look for dating advice for men who can’t get dates (outside of red pill spaces), the most common advice is not “just be yourself”, but: - join hobby groups, go to events, meet new people regularily - work on your social skills - work on your appearance (hairstyle, beard, clothing, skin…) - approach women

Outside_Memory5703 · 2026-02-23T15:28:45+00:00

If you’re “struggling”, you’re not average, or you have unreasonable expectations

Or, you’re just unlucky

Lysa_Bell · 2026-02-23T09:27:47+00:00

I assume RP is mostly for neurodiverse folks. Because it comes in "actionable" form. Its very specific "go to the gym, make money, be dominant, lie, pretend to be someone you are not, etc". While the classic BP advice is much more of a general vibe based advice. ND people dont do well with the unactionable advice. Especially if it comes without a direct path to solution.

The idea behind "be yourself" is too broad to understand for ND people so they struggle with the understanding of how that is supposed to look like. "Be yourself" is for people that can actually figure out the messaging behind that advice and be able to decode it. Decoding has become more and more difficult as time goes on because literacy and social skills are deteriorating.

"Be yourself" is the quick way to say "explore who you are as a person, enjoy the things you enjoy, gain self respect for your likes and dislikes, figure out your boundaries, take care of yourself first, love yourself as who you are, figure out who you want to be and be comfortable doing so". A lot of that is self exploration, reflection and mindfulness. But it is also very hard work because there is no one-fits-all way to do that. Sure you could argue "try out hobbies, styles and lifestyles" but even that is very open for interpretation.

Of course people that dont want to put in this kind of work into their own person would gravitate more towards easy solution based advice. And thats where RP comes in and tries to offer the whole one-fits-all solution. And if that also doesnt work we arrive at Blackpill.

Its the rabbit hole that people go down in when they dont understand the neurotypical advice and dont understand why it doesnt work for them. Its like any cult that offers easy solutions to complex and difficult questions usually in a way that paints the "outsiders" as uninformed and wrong.

And I'm not saying every ND person will end up as a RP or whatever. I'm just saying it is the easy route to pick to go down because it required less self reflection and more rule following.

Shebalied · 2026-02-23T13:18:39+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Enough-Business-8287 · 2026-02-24T06:32:22+00:00

I also think that many guys should accept the fact that they're physically and mentally unattractive and that they should try to be happy without a relationship.

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lesliecarbone · 2026-02-23T11:16:20+00:00

INFO: What makes a guy "average"?

Symnoptik- · 2026-02-23T11:31:42+00:00

You just have to self maxx until you stop struggling with dating. It's simple

mrfoozywooj · 2026-02-23T22:28:56+00:00

I mean yeah.

I remember hearing an interview from some guy who was one of those famous pickup artists like 20 years ago back when mystery and co were on MTV and the advice he gave was golden.

Paraphrasing it was something like "All of that advice was only useful if you were a guy who could already go to a club and find a date, it was improvement ontop of what you had. People today who have nothing going for them will gain nothing from the stuff we taught back then"

IMO step 1 is be a guy a woman would actually want to date, you can drop all the truth nukes you want about how you "figured it out" that women like hot guys, its not gonna improve your situation if you are some goober on the internet.

CelicnisGhost · 2026-02-23T23:02:12+00:00

vague advice can't either "work" or "not work" because it becomes so open to interpretation

basically, you're arguing against nothing

"be yourself" is interpreted in as many ways as people it's said to

it's like saying "be a good person", well, okay then, wtf is a good person to you?

DMmeClownPics · 2026-02-24T08:46:27+00:00

I think better advice would be to be yourself but be honest with yourself about aspects of yourself that may be maladaptive and work towards changing those things. And to be realistic about how long it may take to find a good match if you have traits that are seen as less than desirable by most people of whatever gender(s) you are looking to date. We’re not all gonna meet the right person in our 20’s or even in our 30’s. It sucks, but that’s life. I was 46 and had just about given up on it ever happening. But he’s worth the wait.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2026-02-24T22:15:57+00:00

I think the problem is "just be yourself" doesn't consider the possibility they suck.

So the next step is: be a better man. So then you get into okay define what that is? Are you basing this on some social media influencer you think is super cool? The type of man your ideal woman wants?

You know the answer is be a better man. But what is that? And why do women seem to often know what being a better woman is accurately?

As for the advice? I get it applies to men in relationships.

But like I'd give the same advice to a dude friend I give to a girl friend. Look better, but also look interesting. Packaging matters. Go out more. Be friends with more with the gender you're attracted to with zero agenda.

entangled_doodads · 2026-03-24T17:18:50+00:00

Just be yourself is good advice. But be the best version of yourself that you can be! It doesn't necessarily mean "Come as you are and expect results"

PuzzleheadedGrab8375 · 2026-02-23T09:33:44+00:00

just be yourself

This is a bit of a euphemism yes. What it actually means is “figure out who you are”. But people don’t wanna tell other people that, so they say “just be yourself”.

“Just be yourself” seems a bit like body positivity for your character. Which isn’t necessarily bad, but body positivity can be an easy excuse for not putting in the effort to change something - which would benefit oneself, so one should do it.

But if you go with “figure out who you are” it’s much clearer what one should do. Prioritize what you’re good at and what you like, become exceptionally good at it and then you’ll be much more interesting to a portion of people than before.

This is the only valid dating advice in my eyes. It makes no sense to try and mimic stuff that worked for others. Do you wanna keep up that charade for your whole life?

So if you’re just chasing bum, sure try what some dating guru told you. But as soon as you are looking for a relationship, you have to have your shit figured out first.

Siukslinis_acc · 2026-02-23T10:33:03+00:00

Common advice is when you don't have enough info to give specific/individualised advice. You should not blindly follow the common advice - you should use your noggin to see the deeper stuff and tinker with the advice to fit your situation or even ignore the advice if there is nothing that can fit.

"Be yourself" usually means to not pretend something that is actually opposite of you and upkeeping the lie would lead to resentment (and a heartbreak when they realise that the relationship was built upon a lie). It does not mean "change absolutely nothing about yourself". "Be yourself" means feeling comfortable in your own skin. And sometimes you need to change yourself a bit because you aren't comfortable in your own skin.

Most guy’s relationships happen randomly, due to various circumstances.

Yes. Most relationships are just "be in the right place at the right time". But people call it bs and want a step by step guide or a manual. So then the people start to list things that worked for them and maybe it will work for you.

TopShelfSnipes · 2026-02-23T21:28:27+00:00

The issue with "be yourself" is that it's an oversimplification.

It's "be the best version of yourself that you want to be" not "never change."

The issue for most shy, socially awkward, socially inept, or ND types is that they don't actually want to be that way.

In some (very rare) circumstances, there are reasons they can't overcome that. But most can overcome that with a little bit of work.

If someone is shy, but wants to socialize more, they aren't inherently shy. There is a fundamental disconnect between who they are and want to be that's holding them back. They want to be more extroverted, so they need to make an effort to become more extroverted. They don't need to fake being the life of the party at all times, but they should be capable of being the life of the party sometimes, while still recognizing their own need to recharge that is common of introverts.

Anyone who curses themselves for being shy or awkward doesn't want to be that way. It's not an immutable trait. So "yourself" isn't that. So put in the work and stop being that thing you hate about yourself. It's doable. That's where confidence comes from.

A shy guy who's either pretending to not, or who is shy despite not wanting to be, is never going to be confident because he hates himself.

Interesting_Cake5571 · 2026-02-23T21:49:37+00:00

Also typically the advice if given by women tends to skip some steps…to where she’s already interested or already finds you attractive. Nothing on how to become more attractive

DGenerationMC · 2026-02-23T22:36:57+00:00

What part of "love is like playing the lottery" don't you people understand?

There is no mystical, magical and surefire cheat code to get you what you're aiming for.

pie-mart · 2026-02-23T15:42:48+00:00

I think the "just be yourself" advice i have given is often for guys who warp themselves completely and mutate into whatever they think the current woman they like wants.

And what happens is you play the pope to get the catholic girl

Not only are you actively lying to get something sacred from someone. You cannot keep pretending forever.

The mask will fall, and she will see who you are truly and leave.

The thing is, if you showed up as yourself, she may have fallen in love with you

But she fell in love with the mask you were wearing

And you'd hoped, once you took off the mask, she'd love what was underneath.

But the lie, the charade, is what made her leave

And you keep thinking she is leaving because of the hideous monstrosity that is your true face. But its because you show up as a fake person then expect people to stick around when your true self is revealed

Be yourself doesn't mean "sit around and eat junk food all day and play video games"

It, at least to me, means, don't pretend to be someone you aren't to get someone interested in you

Lying and faking a personality not only hurts you but it hurts the other person

And you keep doing it because it works. Of course it works! Because you are giving every woman exactly what they want for the first 3 months. You are the perfect person for her, until of course, the mask slips off and she feels cheated and tricked

And because it works to get women, you keep doing it, which convinces yourself that you aren't worthy. As a human being of any sort of love or affection.

So, you keep pretending to be someone and morphing into every womans perfect dream man

And everyone ends up disappointed

Thatshygurl · 2026-02-23T14:47:22+00:00

I do agree that, “just be yourself” is really crappy advice, however it’s not wrong. I would change it to be, “be the best version of yourself you can be” or “be the version of yourself you wish to meet”.

For example I want to meet a man who is confident, productive and ambitious, so I need to embody that as well. Not in a fake way, but deep down we all have those traits, they just come out in different ways.

BobtheArcher2018 · 2026-02-23T11:06:32+00:00

Average is too vague to mean anything here. Common dating advice is indeed aimed at men who are attractive enough they can generate interest in women of their own SMV rank provided those men don't shoot too highly.

That has never been the entire sexual marketplace, just the mainstream. It is an open question what % of the total SMP is this classic mainstream. Can a 40th percentile man in SMV rank land say a 35% girl, or would she rather just opt out than accept what she can land?

SeaSquirrel · 2026-02-23T21:39:52+00:00

Everyone that has a problem with “just be yourself”, the most obvious advice, is a perma-single turbo virgin.

Because anyone that has been in a relationship knows its important to find someone you can be yourself with.

CelicnisGhost · 2026-02-24T06:57:45+00:00

"Purplepilldebate has no social skills" theory proven right once again. Everyone knows that "just be yourself" just means you don't lie to women about who you are in order to date them because that'll only lead to problems in the long term. But for some reason most of you take this extremely literally as if you are told you have to have a 100% unchanging personality all the time.

It means not telling a woman you like a certain hobby even when you don't. It's fine if you want to learn more things about it to get to know her better, just stop lying about who you are to get into relationships.

love_in_october · 2026-02-23T13:53:56+00:00

Short-term/initial success is more of a lottery so often advice can't be given. Aside from really obvious things like hygiene and not being a twat, what attracts two people together is going to be more specific to those individuals and there's no cheat code. The red pill likes to pretend there's a cheat code that will work in every/most circumstances.

fakehalo · 2026-02-23T15:01:44+00:00

It means just be yourself if you're a pleasant person, if you're not it means you gotta work on yourself before you expect much of anything pleasant in life.

TheGrolarBear · 2026-02-23T20:55:37+00:00

“Be the best version of yourself” is the advice people need to hear.

cb8585b · 2026-02-23T11:07:24+00:00

Spend enough time on this sub and it’s easy to come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter what the advice is. Men are autistically looking for a magic equation to make women flock to them. It will never happen ofcourse because attraction and interpersonal relationship don’t work like that.

Altruistic_Look_7868 · 2026-02-23T12:51:51+00:00

If common advice doesn't work for you, doesn't that make you below average? Exactly what do you expect someone to do for you? Hold your hand or talk in your ear via Bluetooth when you're trying to talk to a girl?

Title	Common dating advice straight up doesn’t work for the average guy struggling with dating
Author	CelicnisGhost
Upvotes	113
Comments	275
Date	February 23, 2026 8:57 AM UTC (5 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1rccfuc/common_dating_advice_straight_up_doesnt_work_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/common-dating-advice-straight-up-doesnt-work-for.1574072 https://theredarchive.com/post/1574072

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