Does the quality of men you attract affect your self esteem?

Tomboy_Chicken · 2022-01-31T14:26:43+00:00

Some of these guys want the possession of “owning” someone who’s talented, smart, pretty, etc. to show off. Almost as proof of their adequacy or how “powerful” they are to “have” a successful girlfriend.

Other guys go for women way out of their league because they have nothing to lose, and most likely WANT the challenge of pursuing somebody above them. They love the chase.

Either way, LVM and NVM are doing this out of selfish reasons and you should never base your esteem or how you view yourself on them.

drowsypillowprincess · 2022-01-31T15:17:39+00:00

It’s not you, it’s them. They’re “shooting their shot” and taking zero personal considerations about you other than “female with vagina.” These men are shooting their shot with women who are older, younger, richer, poorer, employed, unemployed, and every physical characteristic there is. The idea they have is if they “shoot their shot” with every woman they come across, “statistically,” one of them will say yes. They aren’t looking for quality, but availability.

It’s not you, it’s them.

But as others have said, you must stop defining any part of your worth and self-esteem through male attention.

Even if the only men interested in you are HV billionaires, all women must derive our self-worth from ourselves, NOT from men.

By attaching any of our worth to men, we set ourselves up for abuse and manipulation, not only by individual men, but by the patriarchal culture that seeks to undermine our self-esteem and sell us lies about our intrinsic worth.

Determinedblonde · 2022-01-31T15:17:12+00:00

If I see a man old man hanging around young women, I think he’s pathetic. I don’t judge the women or think less of them because they tend not to want them around. (Myself included).

When I was a pickme, long before FDS existed, it affected my self esteem if no nice men or even half decent at best ones were interested. I thought it was a reflection of my character, but it isn’t. Realistically, no one was any good, so I wouldn’t have been able to find someone good even if I was my best self.

Worst places to meet men? Bars and clubs. These are full of LVM who will triangulate you and encourage you to work hard for their attention. Don’t.

amorphouschemical · 2022-01-31T15:50:40+00:00

I’ve felt this same way! I remember when I was younger, I got so upset when I realized the types of men that were attracted to me (narcissists, losers) and I actually cried about it for some time. I thought there was something wrong with me.

I think what helped me was getting older, focusing on myself and rejecting the guys that would try me. I quit giving those types the time of day. I’m still working on my self esteem though.

arnezuara · 2022-01-31T14:03:59+00:00

There is a reason as to why we say that all men have is the audacity. Most of them — especially losers — attempt to go for any woman. They’re desperate, lonely, and know they’re unfuckable. Even the handsome ones — they might get fucked once or twice, but once a woman takes a look at how ugly their attitude/personality is, she won’t stick around.

Needless to say, the men who attempt to pursue you are not a reflection of your beauty or worth, imo.

Keep doing what you’re doing: rejecting leeches. Your life will continue to flourish, whilst theirs continues to downgrade.

apommom · 2022-01-31T15:34:24+00:00

It used to until I learned about personality disorders, specifically Narcissism. Then I learned how to depersonalize, which was the greatest thing I ever did for my self esteem - highly recommend.

AAlegend8 · 2022-01-31T14:17:19+00:00

I call these gross men who shoot their shot the Nothing to Lose men. They already are starting at the bottom, so it’s only up from where they are. They are running a numbers game to see who has had enough trauma to take the bait. These men know that they’re unattractive in so many ways, and they are okay with that. I just say no and keep it moving😄, but part of me is always like really?!

ConfusedBisexual1992 · 2022-01-31T13:56:07+00:00

I can relate to this. I only seem to get approached by/messaged by ugly men and LVM. I’m not even massively fussy on appearance, but they always seem to be obese/unemployed/barely literate/have terrible skin. I look after myself, am making an effort to lose weight and have a MSc (almost, haven’t graduated yet but passed all my assignments). I want someone who is, at the very least, aesthetically attractive, near my age (late 20s) and on my intellectual level. I don’t care if that’s ‘unrealistic’, I’d rather be alone than settle.

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-01-31T14:08:36+00:00

No.

You’re defining your self worth and self esteem through male attention.

Loser men will always try to get with a Queen to elevate themselves- it has nothing to do with the vibes you’re putting out or anything to do with you whatsoever.

Don’t take these scrotes character flaws and failures personally and continue to work on you.

InspectorGadget07 · 2022-01-31T15:21:59+00:00

It shouldn’t. Everyone loves the sunlight.

thanarealnobody · 2022-01-31T14:08:20+00:00

Ohmygod yes.

I seem to exclusively attract wimpy, insecure guys who never grew from their “nerdy and afraid of girls” phase. No ambition, spends all of free time playing video games, gradually getting fatter because they aren’t active and eat crap.

The actually established ambitious men tend to treat me more like a little sister.

Don’t know what is up or how to fix it. I do look younger than my age, so I think it makes people presume things about my maturity.

Optimal_Grapefruit_5 · 2022-01-31T16:43:00+00:00

It did in the past until I realised that shitty people cast a wide net and go for everyone.

riseaboveagain · 2022-01-31T16:52:04+00:00

Ugh. At work, if I had to spend time with older scrotes, they’d ALWAYS eventually do the tired, old “If I wasn’t married…”

I’d inwardly roll my eyes and quietly finish their sentence with “…you’d never have a chance with me.”

Their audacity and delusion knows no bounds.

bamboohobobundles · 2022-01-31T14:12:10+00:00

When I was younger, like early teens, I wasn't very attractive and most of the guys who liked me were incel types. I used to suffer from incredibly low self esteem and I admit, it wasn't helped by the fact that all the cute popular guys would ignore me and only the Naruto fans who didn't shower were interested. (Sidenote, I tried just making friends with some of them - you can imagine how that went over.)

I sort of grew into my looks around 18-19, at which point much more attractive (and older) men began approaching me. While at first I got a huge ego boost from being desired by attractive men, it soon became clear that no amount of good looks can make up for a selfish, immature personality.

Now I'm 35, have been through a lot of therapy and personal reflection, and have recently entered a relationship with someone who is indeed very attractive, but is also kind, intelligent, compassionate and responsible. Being desired by someone who is a good person is immensely more fulfilling than being chased by someone who has nothing more to offer than a handsome face.

ReadLearnLove · 2022-01-31T16:21:24+00:00

It is not you, it is the parasites. They are always out seeking a host.

WandernWondern · 2022-01-31T14:42:14+00:00

What I’ve noticed, like others have said, it will always be the ones with the least to offer that will have the most audacity. It’s just the way it is.

Put yourself in their shoes. You know you have nothing to offer. You know it’s a turn off. You don’t plan on changing that. So how do you get women? By having nothing but audacity.

A lot of men have been trained since young that they can bravado away any insecurities or shortcomings. No self reflection. No self improvement. That’s for women. They just need bravado. That’s what you’re seeing play out as an adult.

I have had it happen many times. And the two times that stuck out the most - I was dressed very nicely both times (one I had ran to get lunch while working and another I was leaving a Broadway show). Straight up homeless men. Didn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out off. But you know what they did have - the audacity!

All that said, I will add that more of them will be intimidated the nicer you look and the less low self esteem vibes you emit. But even after all that, a few of the most delusional will still try it.

masterofthebarkarts · 2022-01-31T14:22:02+00:00

I think there are just a lot of crappy guys out there - I don't think you're doing anything specifically to attract them.

If a lot of men are disappointing, inevitably you're going to get hit on by disappointing guys. That's just how numbers work.

I've been hit on by gorgeous dudes, ugly dudes, smart dudes, idiots, a guy who opened with "I'm off drugs now", guys who were old enough to be my Dad and guys who were ten years younger.

I'm friendly and outgoing so dudes just...talk at me. I don't take it personally either way.

kangaskhaniscubones · 2022-01-31T16:13:34+00:00

Seconding the other comments that said LVM will throw spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks. One of the great things about FDS is that it teaches you not to even give one second of attention to those men, and hold out for someone right for you.

starlight_sequence · 2022-01-31T17:28:29+00:00

For one, remember that men have no shame and will shoot their shot no matter what. Attracting low-quality men doesn't mean that you yourself are low quality, it just means that those men are delusional.

On the other hand, remember that a man who seems good on paper may not necessarily turn out to be a good partner either. My ex was fit, handsome, smart, successful in his high-paying career and overall came across as a great catch ... and still emotionally abusive.

Japanese_Lasagna · 2022-01-31T14:45:40+00:00

Relatable. Men who pursue me tend to be especially low value. Men I’d pursued in the past were sometimes almost as bad in the end but other times were better quality but just not compatible in the end. This is why I’ve had trouble with the idea of not pursuing a partner. The only way I’ve even managed to get decent dates is when I initiated.

fruitpunchsam · 2022-01-31T15:56:16+00:00

Just remember that literal unhoused men with no jobs or prospects also hit on women passing by them. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

I've seen absolutely gorgeous women with wonderful personalities also get hit on by crusty guys. It's just stinky male desperation, as per usual.

GlitteryMoss · 2022-01-31T18:18:42+00:00

No because lots of guys hit on everyone to see what bites.

However, I do select men based on how good I feel about myself at the time, so I limit my dating to when I feel grand. If I feel blah, I don't date. I never date to make myself feel better. If I don't feel my best, I do what I have to do to achieve that, and only then do I consider spending time dating.

The_Cat_Empress · 2022-01-31T14:11:10+00:00

First off, you’re doing amazing for yourself and we love to see it!!

As for the “vibe” you’re giving off, honestly I don’t blame you and just blame men lmao. It’s not you sis…just keep batting them away.

You’re very young and have a lot of years ahead, keep doing what you do and know not to settle!!

wonkyeyes8877 · 2022-01-31T19:26:38+00:00

I've noticed that HVM are married. And other appealing men are LV or worse. I'm not saying we shouldn't have hope, but it's pretty grim.

queenofswordsxxx · 2022-01-31T14:36:20+00:00

Don’t take it personally. Scrotes gonna scrote. And men are literally socialised to have nothing but the 🌈audacity🌈

spinsterchachkies · 2022-01-31T17:55:08+00:00

Of course it effects your self esteem. We have all been in this situation that’s why we are in this sub.

Here’s some dating advice that you’ve probably already heard before but just in case here it is; Start by reflecting internally then work outward. I usually reflect on these things every now and then, and if I am doing everything, then I know it’s not me. So how do I look, can I improve somethings? Do I give off a vibe? Is it my location. Sometimes your dating pool just sucks and you need to move. Am I not meeting enough people? Expand your social network. Etc… Make your own internal checklist.

However, its hard out there. What I’ve learned from women is we all experience this behavior from men. You can be a supermodel and still get this kind of treatment because men always have the audacity to try their luck

karabnp · 2022-01-31T20:00:37+00:00

Two things that immediately came to mind:

1.) Unfortunately, when you have your shit together and are doing well for yourself, an icky side effect of that, is that you can attract a lot of people who try to leech off of your success. In EVERY area. Friendships, relationships, even family, and in business. In time, you’ll get even better at immediately spotting those sorts, and cutting them off swiftly. This is a reflection of their desperation and need. NOT a reflection of your quality.

2.) Change the environment that you meet dating prospects on or in. Apps, bars, -whatever hasn’t been working, no more looking there. The higher quality the establishment/atmosphere, the chances of meeting higher quality people, increases. No $5 drink night at a corner bar. The ritzy rooftop bar, sure, you’ll have to dress up and splurge on some drinks perhaps, (unless one swoops in and takes care of that for you.) yet, higher quality places = higher chances of meeting higher quality/has their shit together too, people.

SupremeDearLeader · 2022-01-31T17:37:07+00:00

OP no worries, this happens to me all the time !! I got car chased yesterday by an overweight guy who followed me at my gym , one of many examples of how weird guys are . Old guys hit on me too , I work hard for my body to look this way and some old wrinkly scrote wants to " take me to dinner " after a 2 min convo w a stranger yeah OK.......

Never ever let a scrote make you feel bad, they are just so socially inept and lazy these days, it's not a reflection on you at all , afterall,after all, only see a walking fleshlight in their sick minds anyways no matter how fabulous we are.

pygmymetal · 2022-01-31T18:54:59+00:00

Think of them as individual spermatozoa looking for their egg. One might find the egg, the rest are dross. The egg has nothing to do with the number or quality of the spermatozoa who are just being…spermatozoans?

SayNad · 2022-01-31T16:17:12+00:00

In general LVMs go after any women they can get access to - they are that desperate. BUT there is one particular vibe that will get the most attention from predators - it is the vibe of being vulnerable.

When you are sick, grieving, going through a breakup, stressed, annoyed, basically anything that makes you seem "weak" - they will be circling like sharks. That's why teenagers got harassed the most.

Hell I am 30-smthing but look like a naive high schooler when I am not working. Creepy men hit on me like mad. BUT I have FDS teaching in my arsenal so I know how to protect myself.

I might be a bit more professional when meeting more professional men - but I honestly love my childish side so I choose to sharpen my vetting skill and cut LVM off in speed. I want to meet a HVM that like me for all of me, so if said HVM is uncomfortable with my childish side - he ain't gonna be compatible with me.

So my advice would just be yourself, vet and cut LVM off with max speed, and only give potential suitor your attention. Quality over quantity, and be efficient with your dating strategy.

throwaway-fds · 2022-01-31T14:20:54+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Competitive-Donut589 · 2022-01-31T13:52:22+00:00

Girl are you me because same. I was always confused about attracting guys I know that are out of my “league”. Like when I am swiping on OLD, I come across a good profile, he is handsome and I second guess myself that why would he be even attracted to me?. However, the men attracted to me seem like they don’t have this type of self reflection.

cutiebranch · 2022-01-31T15:21:39+00:00

No, it says more on the men. Men feel entitled to all women they seem more attractive than themselves (eg a “5” man will go after women who are 6’s or above. A “3” man will go after 4’s and above)

A bunch of 2’s or 3’s going after you doesn’t mean you’re a 2 or a 3, it means you’re above that and most 2’s and 3’s don’t have gf’s/are cheaters and are more likely to go after women

ultblue7 · 2022-01-31T16:18:47+00:00

I think you’re also leaving out the very important factor of location. Sometimes you’re just in a shit area. I grew up in a very poor immigrant neighborhood with largely the same outcome. Although OLD is generally horrible it really opened my eyes to the fact that location is a huge factor. When I stayed at friends’ places in more metropolitan areas, it’s a completely different story. I get better looking and more successful matches without fail. And that’s just the men on OLD. Regardless, you really have to understand that your little bubble of peace is so precious that these are just basic requirements. Hold out for the right one. Just my two cents.

vilepurity · 2022-01-31T18:44:17+00:00

Easy answer: there are more losers than HVM Being delusional AND a creep is a bad combo though. It gives them confidence they shouldn’t have.

WestAtmosphere · 2022-01-31T20:28:18+00:00

No, it doesn't bother me, they are simply background noise.

We know men hold all the audacity, and most stupid ones will try and shoot their shot with someone who is much more successful than them. It's the same audacity old men have. There is no rhyme or reasoning to it, they are just scrotes lol.

It's the same guys on online dating or on Reddit who will send their dick pic to any woman ... they are testing the waters because they have 0 else going on ... what do they have to lose?

melympia · 2022-01-31T21:08:12+00:00

You're giving off the vibe of "woman". Which is what those scrotes you mentioned follow. But don't kid yourself, you're not the only woman they're following. Not even if you do not count their girlfriend/baby momma. There will be other women they're following.

TigreImpossibile · 2022-01-31T21:41:39+00:00

Have you stopped to think of what type of person is in your environment?

How can you attract good men if you're in an area where the majority are scrotes? 🤔

Everyone saying that no matter what, you can't derive your sense of self-esteem and value from men is EXACTLY 👏🏽 RIGHT 👏🏽

They don't matter. We have to break this narrative that we have to be partnered and/or be attractive to men. We fucking don't!!!

We do not owe prettiness or sexiness to anyone. Fuck off.

Men, if they have an options at all, usually like women who have cultivated a look directed at the male gaze. You know, boobs, butt, long hair, giggles. Conventionally attractive.

The rest of them take what they can get, lmao! And none of this means you should give a flying fuck about their opinion about how you look or who is or is not attracted to you. Live your best life, work hard, keep your head up. The end.

Unless they are worthy of you, they are absolutely irrelevant. Remember that.

askmeabouttheforest · 2022-01-31T19:23:17+00:00

Nope.

Irrespective of the question of whether the Law of Attraction works (I haven't made up my mind, I'd like to run an actual experiment on that), there's still the fact that the "Law of Attraction" concept is awfully convenient for abusive people in power (it's not my fault that I did this to you! You attracted it!")

Let's please consider that:

Everyone is responsible for their belief or actions.
If the vast majority of women are treated badly, or pursued by horrendously inadequate men, does that mean that the vast majority of women are attracting it?

If you want to get some perspective, look at the comments made by scrotes under any image of a good-looking woman. Is she attracting that? The only difference between her and you is that you see/hear those comments.

ExistentialJelly · 2022-01-31T21:58:50+00:00

Honestly, no. I have found some of the absolute least desirable men have the most well-established confidence.

juliana_san · 2022-01-31T21:59:40+00:00

Girl I have been there.

I think a lot of it stems from that super deep seeded feeling that our value is connected to men’s attention, so naturally we feel awful when lvm are the ones that make the moves.

First obviously your value is not based on men’s attention, so fuck ‘em.

Second, hvm do not sit around hollering at women. Also if many of of the men you encounter are from work and school, and people know you’re taken, HVM aren’t going to hit on a women in a relationship. So it’s still very possible you’re catching the eye of HVM but they are not approaching you for reasons above and you’re not noticing because they are respectful.

And like everyone else is saying, lvm are everywhere and will try with literally anyone.

You’re taken, you’re thriving. Swat and keep going. It’s not worth your time or worries.

thinktwiceorelse · 2022-01-31T22:27:45+00:00

Imagine how many weirdos are stalking/being obsessed with famous women. What does it say about those women? Absolutely nothing.

Constant-Wanderer · 2022-01-31T16:00:22+00:00

You’re looking at this all wrong.

You’re attracting more men than this, it’s just that these are the vocal ones. You haven’t seen the ones who are respectful, because you’re not necessarily ready.

Source: I felt the same way for a while, until I made some changes in myself that got me ready to see the better men who were indeed, there all along. In my case, I could look back and see the efforts good men made to get my attention, but at that moment, I wasn’t ready for a perfect relationship yet.

The man I’m with now, we knew each other decades ago, and both recognized quality in each other. I’m not sure I would’ve been the partner I am now at that time. I also didn’t think he’d ever want the kind of person I was back then. I wasn’t ready to see his interest.

The thing is, those guys you describe, they’re attracted to everything female, you need to ignore them like a dog humping your leg. They’re not in the same species, love. Lift your sights up, and trust that you deserve better, and you’ll start to see it.

scooter_se · 2022-01-31T17:33:21+00:00

I think this says a lot more about thirsty men with no standards or shame than it does about you! I’m sure you’re perfectly lovely and attractive to HVM out there.

MacrameGoose34 · 2022-01-31T14:23:22+00:00

Hobosexuals are desperate and are constantly fishing for victims, and is never a reflection on you. They are doing the same to many other women, they're just seeing who can bite.

Most likely any man with ambition is working redpill stuff, trying to be Casanova with multiple partners and only have game on OLD, since they do not have the skills to approach women irl.

Men as a whole have become worse than when I was in school, it's hard to watch an entire sex decay over time.

Men used to have to approach women, but OLD has offered an alternative and Men will ALWAYS choose the lazier option.

In a big picture kind of way, seeing Men decay so rapidly is good, because now we can take their jobs and do them better than they ever could.

lolmemberberries · 2022-02-01T00:04:25+00:00

Men like this shoot their shot with everyone hoping someone will be willing to have them. It has nothing to do with who you are.

Ironicbanana14 · 2022-01-31T16:58:54+00:00

Im very nice to everyone until they give me a reason not to be nice.

This niceness is mistaken as flirting usually among men either with autism or developmental disorders. I feel really guilty when i have to turn them down or it gets so uncomfortable really fast, since they dont always understand no touchy/feely. This one hurts a lot because i also have very ugly thoughts. Stuff like "only r*tards like me" and i realize that's SO ugly of me. Like i hate myself for feeling that way. It isnt their fault at all that i am nice... but then again i shouldnt ever be mean either :/

I also attract a lot of feminine lesbians but i am more attracted to masculinity and i dont understand what about me attracts feminine lesbians except maybe that i look androgynous. Then i get upset that i cant even attract people that i like, masculine people.

myheartisfulloflove · 2022-02-01T02:28:52+00:00

OP I am so happy that you posted this thread because I've been mulling this over my head for so many days now, but didn't know how to open such a thread because it does feel sensitive overall, because I got lots to say.

We live in a male ruled world, and despite all the great strides women have made in our lives and politics, this is still a man's world at the end of the day. Period. And one embarrassing aspect of misogyny and patriarchy is the idea that all men, no matter how disgusting he is or old or pornsick or poor or rude, deserves a fucking supermodel who is half his age and better than him in all forms. Tis the natural law in the eyes of misogynists all over the world. Society of all kinds pushes this. Hollywood pushes this. Social media pushes this. Even religion pushes this.

Women, on the other hand, should all be grateful if Jabba the Hutt lookin' guy has the hots for her. We're not allowed to have standards at all, and nowadays, we're being pushed into doing 50/50. Tbh, it is slowly starting to feel like 90/10, where we have to put in nearly all of the fucking effort while the man puts in his 10% just to keep the benefits flowing to him only. Men are being told now, and back then, that they are the actual prize and the ones who can get to decide which woman can get pregnant (or stay unwillingly pregnant or who dies a childless spinster), which woman becomes the protected wife safe at home, or the whore who gets all of the world's abuse on her. Nothing has changed, honestly.

So, no, don't think there's anything wrong with you based on who you've been attracting to you. I really hate doing the whole numbers crap because it's stupid, but to put it plainly, a 2/10 man knows he looks like shit and has nothing else going for him, but in his heart, he knows he deserves a 10/10 woman on his arm and will go after what he wants, come hell or high water.

It's not you. I promise.

thrwy919191 · 2022-01-31T21:15:52+00:00

I had the same thoughts as you as a person who is close to your age.

I actually never attracted direct male interest. My family was asked by other families to let me meet their sons, possibly for a future marriage. This made me so nauseaus that I couldn’t help but get disgusted by myself, because how could people look at me and see a young woman with no standards, likes, preferences, or anything of my own and think that I would settle for their son? One of them was old, almost thirty. Chemical Engineer, but paid absolutely no attention to his grooming, and was short as heck. Mind you I’m 5’11. The other was a Chemical Engineer in the making, in the best university of my country. I don’t know how he looks, but judging from his origin, it can’t be something so bright. He somehow saw me and liked me, but had no courage to even say hi to me which was pathetic.

I was disgusted, because I thought I wasn’t giving out the aura I wanted to give around me. I wanted to be sern as an opinionated, strong, headstrong young woman that had high standards and was hard to please. But those two people and their families looked at me and saw obedient wife material. Absolute disgust. Then I wrote on a couple of subs and the women there told me that it wasn’t me, it was them. They looked at a young, accomplished women who was so out of their league that owning her would be the biggest prize. And it’s the truth. I own things that can’t be bought with money, I do things that can’t be accomplished by everyone. I am the prize, and everyone wants the biggest prize even if they are not fit for it.

You are a prize. They are competing with thousands of men to get you. The reason why those shitty men are always first to come out is because most of them are narcissist incels who think they are better than everyone, therefore women can’t resist them. They literally think like this because they aren’t self-aware. The self-aware ones look at themselves, and then you, then calculate the outcome of the action of showing interest in you. If they thinl you are way better than them, they don’t show interest because humiliation is an important feeling. It is only when they feel like they can get you that they take action, and it is rare, because an accomplished woman is like a shark in the sea. Only men, or swimmers, who think they can be around us without hurting themselves can show attention.

That’s it, long but basic and clear.

aquietsword · 2022-02-01T02:34:26+00:00

Oh, don't let this get to you. I've seen ass ugly men hitting on gorgeous women, they have no clue because places like reddit tell them it's all about their personality and confidence lol

mothboon · 2022-02-01T02:53:51+00:00

Absolutely, it affected my self esteem sooooo much. The worst slime of the bottom of the barrel scrapings have always pursued me most of my life 😑

I've only been pursued briefly by very handsome men 3 whole times in my life. Nothing ever happened with them, but at least they thought I was attractive enough to consider.. so that helps me believe I'm somewhat attractive. But who knows, maybe they were terrible people and I dodged a bullet 🤷

I like to think all the handsome HVM are never going to be available for very long and finding one is basically the same odds as winning the f*cking lottery lol.

asocialsocialite · 2022-01-31T20:11:20+00:00

It used to back when I was a pick-me, and then I realized something: trash likes to make itself known by it's odor, and when you know that the majority of men are trash and that you'll get subject to their stink eventually, you'll stop taking it personally.

Men will have sex with anything. They'll make a woman that is attractive and beautiful feel cheap because they'll pump and dump. You can be a beautiful woman, get loads of attention from ugly men, and if you feel badly about yourself and get with one, they'll make it their mission to undermine your self-esteem. When you realize that they don't like women and they see you as an NPC or a hole, you'll stop taking it personally.

FluffandRainclouds · 2022-02-01T04:10:11+00:00

It really sucks when that happens. The thoughts we can use to berate ourselves our endless-- "only the guys who ask out everyone ask me out," "only neckbeards ask me out," "attractive guys don't approach me" etc etc.

The truth is, low value people will approach you if there is something to gain. And we are just speaking demographics-- you have no clue if men on your attractiveness/success/etc level are decent people or not until you get to know them. Continue to be your best self and do not show weakness/give the benefit of the doubt when men you don't want hit on you. Remember, you have nothing to prove to them.

A very wise mod once said the expectation men pay for dates is the "audacity tax." It killed me with the humor, but it really is true. All men, yes all men, need to prove their worth to you and court appropriately to even have a chance of someday being worthy if dating you. They are potentially wasting your time, energy, effort, and mental/physical health, since abusers can be well-disguised. A man coming correct, having good hygiene, having basic self-respect, and making something of their lives isn't something you can do for them.

If you cannot meet self-sufficient quality men due to current circumstances, do your best to make peace with the idea of staying alone. When you feel free and happy to be alone, you will be in a better place to vet (abundance mindset) versus "oh no, where are the good men" (scarcity mindset, setup for pickmeism/settling).

I spoke about this already, but OLD IMO insidiously lowers standards-- ie maybe 5% of profiles do not have something unattractive/an immediate red flag. The men lacking green flags may appear more appealing simply because they have "no red flags" compared to the almost endless trash profiles. This is just like how non-abusers look good next to abusers. The last thing we want at FDS is to encourage passionless engagement with men who may not seem to have anything "wrong" with them, but nothing actively good either. Remember you are looking for someone to add benefit to your life, who brings joy to your day, not someone you merely tolerate and "checks the boxes." Not only does a man for you need to be HV, he needs to be HV for you in particular.

If you take anything away from this-- please know you are achieving so much, and the presence of a man does not validate or invalidate all you have. We live in very difficult times, but you can still thrive ❤

kandiirene · 2022-01-31T20:09:41+00:00

Why are you making this hurt your feelings?

All bees in the vicinity of a pollen-laden flower attempt to come and collect. Those men are simply in your vicinity. They do this to you and all the other flowers in their vicinity.

You disrespect yourself when you make their attention a stick to beat yourself with.

Honestly I just look at any male attention as when I’m loving life and loving myself of course others are going to like/love me too. I say thanks and have gratitude and let it go. Unwanted attention is a leaf in the stream of my awareness, it’s there and then it’s not.

feminine_tomboy · 2022-01-31T18:34:24+00:00

>It makes me wonder- what the hell kind of vibe am I giving off for these absolute fucking losers to think I'm going to spread my legs for them?

Pretty much all replies say that it's just men "shooting their shot" but I want to offer two perspectives that you might find helpful:

Controlling Women And Loser Men Are Drawn To Each Other

One interpretation of the issues you describe could be that you are exhibiting controlling characteristics, which attracts men who are seeking a surrogate mother figure.

There's a great book on this called "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood - the main idea is that women from unstable childhood environments often end up with loser men due to their compulsion for controlling others.

I found it fascinating when the author presented the narratives of how various dysfunctional couples first met and demonstrated that the dynamic was there immediately.

You haven't mentioned dating loser men, so presumably you aren't drawn to them, but you might want to check for possible controlling tendencies in yourself that might be attracting them to you.

In this context "controlling" basically means codependent traits, where you want to correct people, give unsolicited advice, argue with them, fix them, etc.

So a potential solution could be experimenting with being less controlling if you feel like you do have these tendencies.

That should make you less appealing to men seeking Mommy.

The Law of Polarity

Another perspective you might want to consider is the Law of Polarity - it's the idea that that feminine energy attracts masculine energy and vice versa.

Could it be that due to having grown up in an unstable environment you are still stuck in the "survival mode" which would be masculine energy?

I'm not talking about the way you look, a woman can look feminine, wear dresses and high heels etc. but still be stuck in her masculine energy.

This could explain why are you attracting these losers who lack clarity, ambition, direction, etc. - they lack masculine energy, so they are drawn to yours.

This could also explain why ambitious men see you as a little sister - masculine energy men are attracted to feminine energy women.

So, assuming that this is a correct diagnosis of the problem, then embracing your feminine energy more should help you change this pattern.

I found YouTuber Helena Hart's content helpful on this because she focuses on feminine energy principles as opposed to "just wear dresses more often" performative femininity.

P.S. I'm not saying that these ideas necessarily apply to your situation, just something that might be helpful to consider :)

ItsFreezen · 2022-02-01T13:40:42+00:00

"This thread REALLY got the lurking scrotes upset (and 1 pickme? interesting!). Anyways wanted to add: I do have a boyfriend. He is very HV thank god. I appreciate all of your comments and advice bringing me back to reality."

Scrotes are going to have a TANTRUM knowing this.

Sisi21cent · 2022-02-03T00:08:18+00:00

Of course.

Title	Does the quality of men you attract affect your self esteem?
Author	throwaway-fds
Upvotes	796
Comments	99
Date	January 31, 2022 1:38 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/sh1g51/does_the_quality_of_men_you_attract_affect_your/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/does-the-quality-of-men-you-attract-affect-your.1098747 https://theredarchive.com/post/1098747

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