"Sit down with him and have a conversation"

fdssavedmylife · 2021-05-15T00:22:37+00:00

They claim to be offended by the “bumbling husband” stereotype while simultaneously perpetuating and benefiting from it.

NumberOneWetBlanket · 2021-05-15T00:25:59+00:00

And the amount of emotional labor that goes into these conversations. As women we're so tone policed that we have to bring up things in a way that gets heard but doesn't come across as too nagging. It's literally a minefield. Men don't listen to women so I'm not sure why they think it would be any different in this context.

mthanos91 · 2021-05-15T01:32:26+00:00

I saw a lot of posts on Mother’s Day of first time moms not being celebrated because their husband dropped the ball, and SO MANY COMMENTS alluded to this. “You should tell him how you expect Mother’s Day,” “you need to communicate more,” and I was just livid for these mothers. He is lazy, that whole “he can’t read your mind” is BS-that sort of ethic would NOT fly at work, why is it acceptable at home?

myoklife · 2021-05-15T00:15:39+00:00

Schrodinger's Misogyny: Men are simultaneously the superior, logical sex and dumb as a fucking rock

all_or_nothing_bet · 2021-05-15T00:15:52+00:00

He is fucking other women? SiT Him DoWn AnD ExPlaiN tHat iT's a NO-NO! 🤡

Watzoo · 2021-05-15T01:51:24+00:00

Yeah.

I feel like women hit a switch somewhere in their late 30s to mid 40s where this usually quits happening. And once you realize that just walking away suddenly awakens his miraculous awareness of exactly what he’s doing wrong and how to fix it without you saying a word ... it’s hard to take men all that seriously ever again.

winterbird · 2021-05-15T01:03:30+00:00

Actually he knows what he's doing better than you do. Because he planned it, honed it, hid it, etc.

Talking has been a waste of time every time, in my experience. They just get pointers on how to hide shit better.

lunatigre · 2021-05-15T02:02:48+00:00

Communication works when someone is sincere and genuinely means you well. Communication doesn't work in an abusive relationship. An abuser never had your best interest and well being at heart. At best they just don't fucking care. At worst your cOmMuNiCaTiOn just gave them ammo to use against you, you basically showed them your vulnerabilities to exploit further.

TLDR; if communication doesn't work immediately GTFO now!

Meredeen · 2021-05-15T04:41:56+00:00

Men act like dumb fucking idiots and think they're smart for getting out of doing their fair share, but also wonder why women don't want to have sex with them anymore. They've simply decimated any sex appeal for themselves. And then complain about dead bedrooms. Think about it, why would women want to have sex with someone who acts borderline mentally challenged?

? ? ?

I still remember that post about the dude who put the entire crock pot in the fridge when his partner asked him to put the food away. Yes, such purposeful incompetence would make any woman weak in the knees. ^/s

freelancepsychic · 2021-05-15T03:28:26+00:00

Yep. I was dating a guy who didn't have feelings for me, so wasn't very giving (pickme days). But once he caught feelings, he was very giving and always made sure I had an orgasm before he did, and I did every time. They know, they just don't care.

fitecows · 2021-05-15T03:30:02+00:00

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: FDS punches me in the face with truth!!! Damn, I love you ladies! Thanks for telling me what I need to hear!

smart-tart23 · 2021-05-15T02:11:36+00:00

Do t waste your breath. That’s my motto these days You want to play? I’m out. Block and delete

IAteTheDragon · 2021-05-15T03:26:21+00:00

So fuckin true. If I gotta treat him like he's mentally disabled, then he should go apply for gov support and disabled papers instead of a girlfriend.

AnonPinkLady · 2021-05-15T06:09:42+00:00

I saw this one post in a dead bedroom subreddit about a woman explaining that she and her partner were not having the right kind of sex. She went on to say that her husband would only initiate in the middle of the night and itd be over "before I even knew what was happening". I was floored. All the comments were telling her to talk to him and that it could be fixed. I couldn't believe I was the first one to state that she was being raped and should leave immediately. She'd told him multiple times.

This whole, fucking women when they're not fully awake, thing is a major problem I read about all the time. Its fucking rape. And its happening all the time. This shit blows my mind. I've read mountains of posts about and the women are always told to CoMmUnIcAtE. Like if you like fucking sleepy women you're a rapist. Full stop

TriniGold · 2021-05-15T03:07:26+00:00

My word: THISSSSSSS!!!

So over the idiotic “sit down and talk” advice on this site. The ones hurting you know what they’re doing. They’re doing it on purpose.

Future-Born · 2021-05-15T01:58:29+00:00

A while back I found out my boyfriend of 4 months was active on Tinder and Hinge. The advice I got from another sub, one geared towards age 40+ folks, was to sit him down and ask him to stop swiping on women’s online profiles. That maybe he didn’t understand that was hurtful to me. I dumped his worthless ass.

Snugglyy · 2021-05-15T17:32:34+00:00

“Communication” only communicates that the girl is more invested than he is because she’s trying to improve a future version of the relationship.

LVM is always looking, scheming, scouting, for the next relationship. The “communicate” girl is only exposing that she can negotiate the amount of mistreatment she’s okay with until the whole thing implodes but not after she internalizes the gaslighting and excuses and the cycle repeats itself with new partners.

The LVM will get away with it for years unless something like FDS catches it in action.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-05-15T05:42:33+00:00

If I find myself ever explaining to a man something that even a toddler would understand, then that's a cold day in hell. I'm not going to. Ever. I can see myself acting in relation to others. I control the way I act. I take a step back and take a good look at my behavior, I think it through. It's called being an adult, being in control of your actions. My emotions are a different thing, I know that they are mine, mine, mine and I'm wholly responsible for them as I let myself feel them. So why would an adult man tell me he didn't realize that doing x has y effect? Why would an adult man not own his feelings and actions and instead choose to project them and blame me? Why, can't he see that he left mud everywhere in the hallway when he entered? Why is it my responsibility to tell him to clean his own mess or worse, clean it for him? If an adult man does things that hurt you and hurt your self esteem, then the best thing to do is assume they want you feeling hurt and bruised. If he has so little self awareness, he shouldn't be dating but go instead to kindergarten and learn basic social behavior.

Also, therapy. But some adult men refuse it. Also, zero self awareness and category to self-regulate emotions/ behavior- a sign of a personality disorder or a mix of PD.

No self awareness from an adult man translates that he doesn't care enough about you and the relationship with you to put in the thoughts and the necessary actions.

_queeeen_ · 2021-05-15T05:57:44+00:00

I think you ask an adult guest in your home to do things according to your preferences one time. If they can’t do it after the one time... verify: are you dealing with a child? Were they drunk off your fabulous margaritas? Are they typically reliable but forgot this one time?

Most conscientious adults are ready to take directions from a host. If he’s at your house messing things up, in your bed getting things gross... just next him.

There’s zero value in communicating with someone set on not hearing you.

throwawayforunethica · 2021-05-15T06:04:49+00:00

I work in a doctors office. A woman came in with her two boys, about two and five, and her oldest boy, her husband.

The kids ran around the waiting room like maniacs, the oldest kept threatening to run outside, prying open the doors. The youngest kept trying to lock himself in the bathroom. Mom kept trying to entertain and distract and redirect them.

What did dad do? Sat there, in a chair, hunched over his fucking phone. He didn't look up once. The kids were literally SCREAMING. Mom was exhausted trying to control them. He did nothing but stare at his phone. I wanted to walk out there and kick the thing out of his hands. He knew exactly what was going on, and chose to do nothing to help his wife or kids.

Maybe if she sat him down and talked to him about how she felt overwhelmed when the children were running around screaming while he ignored them because he is more interested in his phone, he might help out /s.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-05-15T09:25:40+00:00

on men who forget anniversaries, birthdays, events... it has become acceptable, it is the norm.

they forget because it is not important to them.

and women were taught to expect to be placed as second to a job or a hobby or something else and shamed for wanting to "hog his attention" or worse, called "clingy".

The behavior is given a pass mostly because society pushes through media the idea that it's mostly women who want marriage when studies clearly show that marriage (as a patriarchal construct) works better for men than for women and that men push for marriage more than women.

men benefit more from marriage than women do.

it's a fact.women are depicted as the old ball and chain. and it's normalized for the groom to have a sex party before his wedding because "it might be the last time the poor guy gets to have fun" and they all act as if he's been coerced to marry said ball & chain.like WTF!?this happens mostly because traditional married men leave tasks for their wives to deal with and they solely focus on successfully doing a job that society approves of, a job that is paid and secures him status.

he successfully does a job that secures him money, status and recognition while she manages the emotional labour and does all the unpaid load of tasks (besides her job, because otherwise she would be called lazy and a leech or a gold digger).

she has the burden of the household, of the kids, of managing his and her and their family, of doing secretarial work for him for free and having her own job while he focuses solely on the paid, socially-approved, status-maintaining job.

(in the past, these men used their forever-girlfriends for that sort of thing while they focused on themselves!)

she minds what they eat and when they eat, she minds the clothes, their children's school plays and vaccinations, she organizes birthdays, buys presents, mitigates the relationship with the relatives, acts as a buffer between him and "other obligations". also, she gives sex on demand and takes care of "unwanted problems". her body, her problem, right? and she is the one that takes time off from her job and most likely sacrifices her dreams because she is shamed for not being a good mother and wife.women who work and are married to scrotes who leech off their energy = the norm.meanwhile, said scrotes use all sorts of loopholes to ease their conscience, such as: "she is overwhelmed by the kids because she wanted kids" or "she wanted them more than I did but I could care less to ask her about BC when I nutted inside her body" or "it's a woman's job, right?".in this type of marriages, women take care of birth control as well because "he is too busy to think about that" or is completely unreliable. the most these men do for their wives on mother's day is to tell their secretary or another woman to buy her a present "or something" and have placed in their calendars reminders to "give her a 2-minute call and tell her ~something nice~".

thinktwiceorelse · 2021-05-15T07:13:43+00:00

I listened to this podcast where a host talked about her husband who drinked with friends three times a week after their baby was born, and she blamed herself that she couldn't communicate it so he would understand it's not appropriate. But she was very happy because her therapist taught her how to communicate her needs. I was like, sis, noooooo.

socalqueenofcheese · 2021-05-15T01:44:00+00:00

Love this post!!!!

Hedy__Lamarr · 2021-05-15T02:17:07+00:00

And we cut to the conversation with the NVM: https://youtu.be/lUV65sV8nu0

sugarplumcutie · 2021-05-15T04:54:54+00:00

They’re so fucking useless😭😭😭

Salty_Letterhead_503 · 2021-05-15T06:50:33+00:00

I hate the " he can't read your mind" one. But if you ignore him completely for a couple of days they'll come back and apologize for exactly what they did wrong. So you block them. Because he's a waste of time. I got over the "oh he said sorry so it's ok" phase. Men will wait for you to come back or wait until they want sexual interaction again to come back and apologize, gaslight,or acknowledge what they did wrong. Listen, if it took them days to think about it, they didn't care about you all them days until they got fucking bored. RUN.

Muffcakelord · 2021-05-15T09:19:37+00:00

I don't get how we're the misandrists? Every day people will assume that men are clinically retarded and boone bats an eye because at least it reeuces their responsibilities. If that's how cheap their pride is, why do they protect it?

camille_san · 2021-05-15T10:25:21+00:00

There have been a couple of long term, really impactful relationships that I’ve walked away from and there are times I’ve wondered if there’s more I could have/should have done to save them. Then I read something like this and it just brings me back to earth and reminds me “how on earth could they have thought I was happy?”

Both times when they were SHOCKED and SO HEARTBROKEN that I left I just wondered like....how did you not see this coming? I’ve beat myself up a little bit for not having “the conversation”, but there were so many other smaller conversations, suggestions, signs, that were completely overlooked. Whether they knew or not, they didn’t fucking care.

Skillfulskittles · 2021-05-15T04:59:30+00:00

wow. i have never thought about it like this. its crazy how we give lvm so many chances and stuff. it really is ridiculous

Palminator · 2021-05-15T01:35:38+00:00

Don’t “sit him down”. I did this and he said I was too sensitive and he needed a “rock” but was 100% unable to be a “rock” for me

day_cream · 2021-05-15T04:06:01+00:00

The worst is when they suggest ~jUST tALk To hIM~ when it’s about something trust-related ie: “I found a woman’s bra in my boyfriend’s bed followed by texts planning the next hookup”, and the comments all say “Communicate!!! Talk to him!!!!”

I seriously don’t understand. He will..... simply.....lie? What on earth does talking to him accomplish in these situations? People think she can......believe.... whatever he comes up with to weasel himself out?

Odd_Studio_1919 · 2021-05-15T11:22:21+00:00

The hardest thing for me to accept was that my ex-husband did all of the abusive things to me on purpose. Now I know he knew exactly what he was doing the entire time, and I’ve accepted it. Anyways, one of the things he told me was that he didn’t realize he never gave me an orgasm in the 9 years we were together. He claimed when we had sex, he thought I was having just as much fun as him even though multiple times I told him he never made me cum. He refused to even give oral. He knew exactly what he was doing to me.

NoMoreLVM · 2021-05-15T10:37:23+00:00

This is a gaslighting epidemic, my narc ex would use this against me every time he was at fault. No matter what, somehow the issue would always be that I didn’t communicate clearly enough, or early enough, or whatever. It was always my fault for not communicating when in reality it’s shit you shouldn’t even have to communicate.

dinosaurnuggetzzz · 2021-05-15T01:38:55+00:00

I really hate reading those "its a communication issue" comments. Like no its a you need to dump his ass issue.

danceinstarlight · 2021-05-15T13:04:20+00:00

Preach! I swear they pick up this strategy and hand it down generationally. "Play dumb, ignore household duties, do whatever your selfish mind wants and then place the blame on her 'over reaction' when she finally explodes. Rinse. Repeat." I'm not saying all men do this but this is the socital hand me down that good men will have to unlearn if they want to break the cycles of oppression and show up for real intamacy.

Dnotchtiebd · 2021-05-15T15:20:57+00:00

He would tell me repeatedly that even though he promised to delete snapchat naked pages and didn't, it was all because he couldn't trust me. That he would do it when he felt like he could TRUST ME. That I hurt him by brEAkInG His TrUsT but it was okay that I felt unworthy since I deserved it.

TheSunDoesNotAsk · 2021-05-15T04:51:59+00:00

They really just want us to teach our male partners. They're grown ass adults. And if their EQ is that low, having a conversation isn't going to help. Don't fucking baby men and let them take responsibility for their own shit

randomFDSr · 2021-05-15T05:30:37+00:00

Beautiful. I’d started compiling simple lists of what’s needed (for my requested convo) to help me on stay on track (totally recommend lists for convos btw) and would need that list sooooo much, even to say simple shit like “wasn’t cool you broke the door” etc etc, bc his derailing from accountability was f’g crazy. The quote literally makes me feel sick, bc of experience doing it and it’s pointless work with only bad results for the person who cares and communicates ie the woman. It did get me by many times as safety measure otherwise I wouldn’t have.

QueenCrownn · 2021-05-15T07:00:19+00:00

💯💯🙌🏽👏🏾 I am so sick and tired of hearing that shit too! I just block people that keep saying that. I don't need their negative opinion in might sight.

frostedgemstone · 2021-05-15T13:31:30+00:00

100% I hate the fact people will excuse men for anything as if they aren’t fully aware of how shitty they’re being. Drawing attention to the behavior through “communication” will not do anything, if he wanted to behave correctly he already would’ve, it does not take a huge amount of intelligence to understand this (how to behave like a decent person). Meanwhile, women are demonized for almost any mistake they make

dirtloving_treehuggr · 2021-05-15T06:21:38+00:00

THANK YOU for saying it. I’m so fucking tired of seeing how much labor is expected of women in relationships.

doubledoublechexchex · 2021-05-15T05:39:55+00:00

“Learned helplessness”

2021-05-15T06:47:02+00:00

[removed]

MisakiKurisu · 2021-05-15T04:58:28+00:00

[removed]

starinthesky · 2021-05-15T03:37:59+00:00

Preach.

z-angel-z · 2021-05-15T09:12:24+00:00

yasss rant queen

adalovelace1793--- · 2021-05-16T10:38:22+00:00

" I am going to mistreat you until you flee cause I wont change and yoy will value your life more, and good luck getting child support cause I will resign from any formal job so you and our kid get none"

That is what I have sadly seen and I refuse to mate with a ZVM

Iupvoteanimals · 2021-05-30T04:05:25+00:00

Who is downvoting this post? Incredible!

Title	"Sit down with him and have a conversation"
Author	luvmyvulvaxoxo
Upvotes	1855
Comments	159
Date	May 15, 2021 12:04 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ncmi5h/sit_down_with_him_and_have_a_conversation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/sit-down-with-him-and-have-a-conversation.756919 https://theredarchive.com/post/756919

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