Q4W: Unmarried women, why do you think the men you want aren't asking to marry you?

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2022-08-21T04:50:36+00:00

Who are all these men you know who are proposing to random women they don’t know?

_revelationary · 2022-08-20T20:34:41+00:00

Maybe I live in the world of exceptions. I’m 32, so old by this sub’s standards. And been happily married 6 years, with my husband for 12.

But wouldn’t this question be better phrased like…why aren’t your relationships at the point where marriage is on the table/being talked about? Or why do your relationships tend to end before then? Or something along those lines, for those who even want that.

This makes it seem like women just wait around for a high value man to pass them on the street and pull out a ring…

From friends and family members’ experiences, delays are usually about wanting to check off other milestones first, like home ownership, graduate school, settling into careers, etc…

Financial_Leave4411 · 2022-08-20T21:52:30+00:00

I have yet to find a guy I want to marry so I guess the answer is because he doesn’t know I exist just like I don’t know he exists.

devilisious_bxby · 2022-08-21T01:54:45+00:00

This is starting to sound like red pill bs

DorianneGrey · 2022-08-21T01:12:21+00:00

Ok, I think I understand the disconnect here. OP, at least here is the US (with the exception of some fundamentalist religious groups), surprise “out of the blue” marriage proposals don’t really happen. If a couple is in a serious, long term relationship, they will discuss (often many times as the relationship and parties mature) marriage, family goals etc. if both parties are interested and ready for that step, a formal “Will you marry me?” proposal may occur.

In general men rarely propose without knowing ahead of time whether the woman is going to say yes. That often leads to marriage which would disqualify those women from your question.

You seem to fundamentally not understand that many women are not interested in being married either at the moment or at all or have not yet met someone that they are interested in marrying.

It seems as though the question is meant as some sort of gotcha but it doesn’t really work out that way.

There likely are some women here who wanted to marry a specific man who wasn’t interested but the way the inquiry and your follow up comments are phrased are not going to diss out that demographic.

mcove97 · 2022-08-20T21:14:16+00:00

I make it very clear I do not want marriage because I don't want to be tied to another person legally and I don't want another person to be tied to me legally in case we want to break up, because breakups can and do happen when people grow apart. If people aren't asking me it's at least in part cause I've made it very clear I do not want to be asked. When someone asks me these days I'll tell them no, I won't marry you but I'll be your partner for as long as the relationship works.

SlinkyCyberSleuth · 2022-08-21T10:24:40+00:00

This post is entirely disingenuous.

Delete it and cut the shit out.

funlightmandarin · 2022-08-20T20:57:28+00:00

Because we don't even live together yet lol, lets take it one step at a time, calm down.

Specialist-Crazy5899 · 2022-08-21T03:29:16+00:00

Alright folks, I solved the riddle. Here is the “correct” answer that OP wants to hear:

“As someone who considers herself a high value woman, I have a certain (possibly high value) man in mind that I desire to marry. But that man I desire won’t ask me to marry him because, in truth, I am a low value woman. So he does not desire to marry me :( “

It’s not much of a question for women as it is a rhetorical one expressing his misogynistic mindset. It’s not worth taking your time to write a thoughtful response.

SuspiciousRule · 2022-08-20T20:48:35+00:00

i don't exactly put myself out their or try to date

ToBeFair91 · 2022-08-21T09:29:58+00:00

This sub is basically full of conservative men coming to argue with progressive women lol

mydaycake · 2022-08-21T02:42:29+00:00

Bold to think all unmarried women want to marry.

A1Dilettante · 2022-08-20T20:14:36+00:00

Because I told him to fuck off with that bullshit and let's just be together without all that. Maybe when we're 60 so we can collect on the benefits, but it's not necessary when we've lasted longer than a lot of marriages out there.

maryhartman000 · 2022-08-20T23:10:23+00:00

Why do you think women want marriage?

Miserablemermaid · 2022-08-21T00:30:47+00:00

I’m only 21 i don’t want marriage yet lol

mackenzie013_02 · 2022-08-20T20:05:58+00:00

Since the fiasco with one who did ask, I actively choose men who aren’t going to ask.

trip_with_us · 2022-08-20T22:07:24+00:00

Because when they try to initiate or so much as hint at that conversation I make it clear that I feel that I have a lot more personal growth and learning that needs to happen before I could make a good wife or mother to anyone.

Just because being married to a certain guy is a nice fantasy in theory doesn't mean you can ignore the reality of the responsibilities marriage entails.

PermissionUpstairs12 · 2022-08-21T06:25:35+00:00

They do ask me to marry them. But there's nothing in it for me. So I've said no 4 times. Not bc I oppose marriage for others, but I don't benefit myself.

Even if the "perfect man" asked me, I'm not interested. Men are largely a burden I just don't need/want vs staying free.

But those exes/men (most of them, to be honest there's like 2 of 8 I don't want to be friends with) are otherwise good people.

I'm just not interested in contracts that don't benefit me.

I like freedom. It's no deeper than that. I don't do contracts.

nvkr_ · 2022-08-21T08:41:33+00:00

The question is ridiculous. What should a woman answer who got proposed to several times by the partners she loves, but just doesn’t want to get married? Zero? Or the number of proposals? Genuine question.

januaryphilosopher · 2022-08-20T19:59:47+00:00

I believe he's waiting for me to ask.

GYN-k4H-Q3z-75B · 2022-08-20T21:24:07+00:00

I'm usually very open with men from the beginning that I'm not interested in marriage.

trip_with_us · 2022-08-20T20:10:44+00:00

I'm not married and I don't necessarily want to be. The things I want about marriage is a ring (no not a fancy diamond, just a ring to wear on that finger to point to when people ask me if I'm daying or married), and yes, a fancy party where I get to where a big pretty dress is a nice idea.

But the legal downside to marriage is huge. I'd rather get POAs over each other and call it a day

daniiiuiiil · 2022-08-20T19:57:57+00:00

Are you assuming we are actively dating and want to be married?

HotToddyLottie · 2022-08-20T22:16:34+00:00

For a lot of women, the “men they want”, do actually ask and the woman just says no because of legitimate reasons 🤯

Stop_Maximum · 2022-08-20T22:15:01+00:00

I’ve had people going towards that direction but honestly, just because they ask doesn’t mean much. It’s actions vs words. I think some people focus on the wedding not the marriage itself, just to be praised by the society around us. At the end they wish they did wait or it was someone else. I have now decided I don’t really want a marriage or relationship, I think peace of mind is the best. But that’s me

devilisious_bxby · 2022-08-21T01:53:41+00:00

Some of us don't want to get married. AND NO IT DOESNT MEAN THEY DONT WANT I. I'm sure a majority of woman reject men alot. I have to all the damn time. I just don't have time for another person who might not even be serious about shit

Lysa_Bell · 2022-08-20T21:40:16+00:00

Relationships with people I dated ended before they got serious. Except for my current bf. We probably going to get married in like 2 years for legal reasons. If I could prevent that I wouldn't. I never wanted to get married. But there seems to be no way around it for us sadly.

TheMedsPeds · 2022-08-20T23:13:51+00:00

This is framed weird. You realize there are lots of reasons a woman may not be married that aren’t “the man we want haven’t asked us yet” lmao. I’ll share my situation since you asked. And in before “tldr” lol

I am a 32-year-old woman who is not married. Why? Well I had my first relationship that “counts” at 17. I dated a guy for a little over a year. While I liked him especially at first, I never felt that I was “in love” with him. Thought he was cute and he was into me, so when he asked me out, I said yes. But as time went on I realized I needed someone smarter (this guy probably had an IQ of like 90) and he had anger problems. I eventually broke up with him and was single for close to a year. Then right before my 20th bday, I started dating another guy for about two years. I liked him more than the last guy, but he was still a little simple minded, so I didn’t see him as life long potential, plus he couldn’t hold a job even though I worked part time the entire time while also being a full time college student.

Those two guys didn’t suggest marriage because, since we aren’t trad and this is post 2000, getting married before like 23ish wasn’t even slightly on the table. So it just never seriously came up. This didn’t bother me because like I said I was never really seriously into either of them, plus out of all my close friends, proxy friends and acquaintances, only one comes to mind that tied the knot at all before we all either dropped out or graduated college.

But then a few months after I broke up with the second guy, when I had just made 22, I finally started dating a guy I was seriously into. I actually had a crush on him since before I even met boyfriend 1 and 2 back when we were in high school. We dated for 3 years, discussed marriage, and we got officially engaged around Christmas of 2015. We got married in May of 2016. But this was no fairy tale, though we loved each other deeply, my husband did have bad depression problems and a drinking problems. He ended up dying from an OD of mixing opioids with alcohol in December of 2018 when I was 28.

After that I took some time to mourn obviously and when I was finally ready to try to date again, I decided to try OLD for the 1st time since I didn’t know a single soul that I could see myself dating. Met one guy. He turned out to be crazy (and lied about his age, he was actually 6 years younger than me) then I got with my current BF. We’ve been dating for a few years and though we have our issues, I care about him a lot. This is probably most healthy, normal relationship and I actually care about him (unlike the 1st two guys) we’ve discussed marriage several times. We agreed we will probably get married one day, just don’t see the point in rushing. I don’t want kids and we already cohabitate, not much changes besides your tax filing status and my last name. It’s not super important to me, especially since I’ve been married before and things didn’t feel that different for my late husband and I after we got married.

I know it’s my life story but it explains why I’m a 32-year-old legally single woman.

Edit: btw I don’t think I’m “high value” since I’m not an 18-year-old virgin ready to spit out babies (since that seems to be what yall think women’s values revolve around)

Flightlessbirbz · 2022-08-21T00:27:20+00:00

Most men I’ve been with have asked or talked about it. I haven’t wanted to marry them, or wasn’t sure yet.

sublimemongrel · 2022-08-21T00:50:44+00:00

Early relationships: we were young, nobody is asking people to marry when you’re in your late teens/early 20s. I wouldn’t have said yes even if “the men I wanted” (and was in LTRs with) would have asked.

Relationships when we were older/ready for marriage: he asked and I said yes.

trip_with_us · 2022-08-21T01:26:01+00:00

They are/did/wanted to and I didn't want that, and I suggested a time frame for my current partner, that we shouldn't seriously look at marriage until we've been together 5 years.

We still discuss hypotheticals about it from a pragmatic sense; neither of us care about a wedding or all that. We'd rather sign the documents and just take an international vacation/honeymoon somewhere. Wedding industry is a scam. Save ya moola.

napthaleneneens · 2022-08-21T01:31:08+00:00

They’ve all asked me and I’ve said no. Men are more interested in tying you down than women nowadays. I’m not interested in matrimony. We can date or have a LTR. The man I’m with (yes I WANTED him, since you emphasize that so much) is on the same page as me. We both just want to be together, and neither of us like the concept of marriage.

ashpr0ulx · 2022-08-21T01:43:52+00:00

i want marriage, but not to just anyone. my long term relationships have not ended in marriage because i ended them after finding we were either incompatible or just not a good match for lifetime partners. i’d rather not marry than marry the wrong one.

my current partner and i talk about marriage and i will say yes when he asks me.

Academic_Snow_7680 · 2022-08-21T10:43:05+00:00

I don't know what you're talking about. There is way more demand for me than supply of me going around.

I'm not looking for a husband. I'm only looking for partners in crime.

deste_eloise · 2022-08-20T21:22:52+00:00

They always do, so then we have to break up! 😩

Impossible-Bank-1697 · 2022-08-20T21:29:25+00:00

I never been with someone who I wanted to marry and they didn’t ask. I turned down two people who ask to marry me. High school bf (thank god i did) and the second was my girlfriend because she wanted to have kids and started a family and I wasn’t ready for all that. My bf right now know I don’t want kids or to be married and he’s ok with that.

Spirited-Strain919 · 2022-08-20T22:56:16+00:00

They are, that’s sort of my problem at the moment.

babypinkstrawberri · 2022-08-20T20:48:10+00:00

Because the men I want don't want to get married yet. They want to be young and run around for years and years on end, not wanting responsibility.

I personally don't think women should wait longer than a year of dating for an engagement (if marriage was your goal) to occur. After that you just start becoming a placeholder for them to fall back on.

pablitosocool · 2022-08-21T00:22:04+00:00

The Red Pill has entered le Chat

KellySummerlin · 2022-08-20T20:59:35+00:00

Old age

sleydon · 2022-08-21T02:11:52+00:00

Cause I’m only 22 lol my partner and I have talked about marriage but not until we’re older and have decent money for a wedding and to move in together etc

oofieoofty · 2022-08-21T03:49:11+00:00

I’ve been proposed to by 3 different dudes. I married the last one.

iLiveInAHologram94 · 2022-08-21T03:55:47+00:00

Because we need a year or two more of dating. I told him I'd want him to know by four years of dating, that I thought he would know by then aaaand he agreed he would too. November will be two years of dating. So we just aren't there yet. I think we need to focus on how to handle stressful situations together, de-escalate in those situations, and maybe get one or two other concerns out of the way and then personally I'd be ready. I'm not sure exactly what he needs to feel ready but that would be another good conversation to have.

He has said that I won't be single my 30s and his dick will be my last lol.

I've asked him to not spontaneously ask me and I want to talk the matter to death with him lol. I've told him many times I don't enjoy surprises, usually. Once we both establish we are ready, then he can surprise me how he sees fit.

ImogenCrusader · 2022-08-21T05:09:08+00:00

Because his other girlfriend would be pretty pissed if he did 🤣

2022-08-21T06:21:02+00:00

I haven’t met him yet.

chickenfriedsteakdin · 2022-08-21T10:12:29+00:00

Can’t we just accept that many people have unrealistic expectations and delusional ideas of their SMV? 50% obesity, 73% of Americans overweight, drug use, alcohol, chronic health issues……why buy a broken car that always needs to be repaired?

No-Koala5505 · 2022-08-21T11:44:40+00:00

Me personally? Because I don’t know any men I would marry. I have met and briefly dated only two men who I would marry but they didn’t want me. One was very religious and I am not. The other guy had to travel internationally for his job and we both didn’t want a long distance relationship. But both were quality men.

RinoaRita · 2022-08-21T12:39:20+00:00

Wait is op ESL and thinks marriage is asking on a date? His responses start sort of making sense if you replace asking for marriage to asking on a date.

Like why aren’t the men you want asking you out on a date?

itsJ92 · 2022-08-21T12:46:18+00:00

What is the point you’re trying to make, OP? Lots of people answered your question and you sound like you’re extremely focused on making people feel bad about themselves because they’ve never been asked.

When people tell you they’ve indeed been asked, you jump to your favourite next question, which is “HOW MANY men asked you to marry them”. And if we go by that red pill definition you’re probably very into, a “high value woman” hasn’t dated a shit ton of men. How do you expect her to receive 43 marriage proposals? People usually date before they marry to know if they’re compatible for long term.

It’s almost like you want people to be like “well probably cause I’m not good enough :(“

Are you gonna rub your hands and be like “Yessss I made someone question their entire value today on Reddit”?

Are YOU married? Are YOU single? If no women accepted to marry you or if you’re single, why do you think so?

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2022-08-21T13:18:02+00:00

Probably because I told him I don't want to get married.

Lisavela · 2022-08-21T17:27:33+00:00

It’s probably because majority of men are below average when it comes to thinking being affectionate, being a good listener knowing how to do basic chores or how to cook, while women do all of that and work just like men, it’s kinda hard to want to marry when you know you are getting the short end of the stick.

JumboJetz · 2022-08-20T21:43:38+00:00

The number of women saying they don’t want to get married on this thread makes me feel PPD is really not representative of the average woman.

theo_luminati · 2022-08-21T01:25:33+00:00

I’m not high value. But I’d marry a low value male, idc. Just hasn’t worked out (yet?)

AyWhatITIS · 2022-08-21T01:42:45+00:00

Damn women don't like being held accountable lol

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learn2earn89 · 2022-08-20T21:16:11+00:00

Men don’t even ask me out lol

Bekiala · 2022-08-21T03:37:18+00:00

Well I am unmarried but it has nothing to do with any man. I don't think I would be a good partner and don't want to inflict myself on anyone.

I wear a ring which probably deters some.

3-methylpentane · 2022-08-21T05:34:14+00:00

They have in discussion. I am dating someone, but I would like to get to know them better and for longer before properly looking into marriage.

FancyCocktailOlive · 2022-08-21T14:50:53+00:00

Well, I don’t want to get married and I’m controlling.

2022-08-21T17:08:31+00:00

I'm not interested in marriage and they know that. However, I've had two boyfriends say they want a child and a mortgage with me.

Title	Q4W: Unmarried women, why do you think the men you want aren't asking to marry you?
Author	trip_with_us
Upvotes	14
Comments	286
Date	August 20, 2022 7:15 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/wtf1j1/q4w_unmarried_women_why_do_you_think_the_men_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-unmarried-women-why-do-you-think-the-men-you.1128674 https://theredarchive.com/post/1128674

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