Imagine this: you always went Dutch with your LDR partner/hubby when dating and your finances are more or less split 50/50; then you learn he spent a lot on his previous partner

errrright · 2023-02-13T21:42:34+00:00

Not really. I'm going to assume that his previous relationship had a different dynamic and it obviously didn't work out in the end.

If I've been happy with what we've had going on up to this point, the rest doesn't matter.

Mrs_Drgree · 2023-02-13T20:12:10+00:00

If expensive gifts were important enough for me to blow up a whole relationship for, I wouldn't date someone who didn't do that from the start. It doesn't matter what he did for his exes.

Barneysparky · 2023-02-13T21:39:42+00:00

I found some poetry once my husband had written for his high school girlfriend. So I threw a fit because he's never written poetry for me. Just joking. I smiled, put it back and never mentioned it because we were not in high school!

CimZim · 2023-02-13T21:42:32+00:00

It wouldn't bother me, since I don't care about those things.

LadyofTheGreyPath · 2023-02-13T20:25:28+00:00

Like bought her expensive gifts, jewelry, iPhones and stuff. But then he realized it is not his ideal relationship model.

And?

Will that affect your relationship or anything else or it wouldn't matter for you?

Someone explain this to me like I'm 5, am I supposed to be upset or feel some sort of negative emotion about this?

ChadChasingB · 2023-02-13T20:35:02+00:00

I wouldn't date a guy that didn't treat me how I expect to be treated. Why would I care about how he treated an ex if it was his choice at the time? A woman that cares about those things isn't going to be dating him for it to be a problem.

UnapologeticFoodSnob · 2023-02-13T20:06:29+00:00

Oh good, he doesn't spunk his money up the wall anymore.

SeveralSadEvenings · 2023-02-13T20:22:42+00:00

The only way that affects my relationship is that I'd be impressed and proud of him that he figured out his boundaries and successfully turned around his spending habits.

Hurray for personal growth.

EulenWatcher · 2023-02-13T20:12:20+00:00

OP, you should have looked at older posts by the same tag and you'd see multiple similar questions.

Personally I care more about how they treat me. If I feel good about it and I feel loved, the differences don't matter much. Considering I'm also egalitarian, I prefer to go Dutch and I don't appreciate expensive gifts, I don't think I'd be upset. The difference that could possibly upset me is about time, gentleness etc. But if I wasn't okay with that, it wouldn't matter whether he gave more to his ex or not. I either get enough for myself or not.

houstongradengineer · 2023-02-13T20:33:12+00:00

We combine finances in our marriage. Wouldn't have married him if we couldn't agree on that.

northernlights190 · 2023-02-13T20:06:48+00:00

Wouldn’t matter to me. I always split in early dating, and once we’re into a cohabitating LTR I prefer to work out shared bills by percentage of income, which has always been me paying more. If he wanted 50/50 that would be fine too. And I don’t really value gifts, either giving or receiving. Not my love language, as they say.

I don’t care what he did with a previous partner. I really don’t. Not relevant to our relationship and my happiness in it.

AcanthocephalaNew947 · 2023-02-13T20:57:40+00:00

I see what you’re doing here (af/bb) the only issue is your example is likely a common scenario for women who are financially competent.

I’ve had more than one partner who had a broke ex. Broke women aren’t all that rare. It doesnt change the fact that I happily pay my way. My love language isn’t gifts so I never viewed finances as a way of showing me importance. You’d probably have to find a woman who’s love language was gifts, it may very well affect her negatively.

I think a af/bb equivalent would be children. Hear me out! I actually had a friend when I was younger who was upset her boyfriend at the time practiced safe sex with her because he had a child with his ex, she felt the fact that he was reckless with his ex and not her meant he loved the ex more. How she came to that conclusion confused the hell out of me but she was adamant the difference in treatment mattered.

blueshinx · 2023-02-13T22:26:11+00:00

I know this is a weird analogy, the real question is: can you get traumatized from spending money on gifts

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-02-14T03:23:34+00:00

I’d guess that perhaps he felt used and didn’t want to repeat that. My boyfriend’s ex pushed for marriage and kids right away. He was very young, not even 20 when they married. He did it because of insecurity and general youthful indiscretion. She also refused to work, so that meant he paid for everything and they struggled.

Am I mad he didn’t propose within six months, or see the more normal pace of our relationship as some indication he doesn’t really love me? Nope. I see a man who grew up and learned from his mistakes. Why would I want to marry someone who felt pressured?

And it’s disturbing to me that men here apparently do want women to do things they didn’t really want to do with former partners.

BruddaMSK · 2023-02-13T20:25:59+00:00

Doesn't matter.

Just because he did things in one relationship doesn't obligate him to repeat it in another, especially if it was to his detriment. We all make mistakes.

Financial_Leave4411 · 2023-02-13T22:24:50+00:00

This post reminds me of other post where men are upset regarding sex acts women have tried with their ex’s in the past but will not do with their current partner because they tried something once and didn’t like it. This smell like a set up.

However OP you should know women commit to men they are happy with. If fancy gifts mattered to a woman she would state that pretty quickly and if she and her partner weren’t on the same page they would break up. This would happen till the man found a woman who wasn’t interested in expensive gifts. Maybe a minimalist, country girl or book worm. Women look for what they want in a relationship rather than compare what a man did gift wise for a woman in his past.

plumtastic · 2023-02-13T23:11:27+00:00

You totally expected the women here to wail and carry on as though we're entitled to the $$$ didn't you? Lmao

Going Dutch is my preferred model fyi, it eliminates a lot of bullshit and the quality of the actual relationship is revealed. Plus I have self respect (and an income lol).

januaryphilosopher · 2023-02-13T20:07:43+00:00

Why would I care? I don't want him to buy things for me (honestly if someone got me a phone I'd be so uncomfortable I'd send it back) so I'm hardly going to be angry if he also realised this didn't work for him. I'd be confused about why he felt the need but that's it.

AstronautLoveShack · 2023-02-13T20:09:27+00:00

Wouldn't matter to me. I've always split or taken turns on dates. I'm not a hooker. He does not need to buy my love. Besides, financial situations can fluctuate, and maybe he felt that the previous partner took advantage of him and doesn't want to be in that position anymore, which I would respect as growth.

TermAggravating8043 · 2023-02-13T23:10:09+00:00

Well no, if I wasn’t happy with the way our relationship was currently I wouldn’t stay. But finding out he spent loads more on an ex but he didn’t enjoy it doesn’t change our dynamic,

In fact I’m happy he’s made boundaries and is sticking to them to make himself happy

CruelAngelGradThesis · 2023-02-14T00:58:20+00:00

My partner is a virgin with zero relationship experience so none of this is an issue for me. In the event we break up the next girl might be pissed if she finds out the way he treated me though. And I would tell her the same thing I would a dude who gets bent out of shape over this shit: stop competing with ghosts. You'll never win.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2023-02-14T03:48:14+00:00

Part of relationships is learning ang growing

Guess what my husband did things differently in the past, so did I.

That does not in anyway reflect our relationship

begayallday · 2023-02-13T20:25:01+00:00

That absolutely wouldn’t matter. I’m not that big on material gifts and never have been. Lots of people feel like they need to do things like that when they’re younger/less experienced and then grow out of it. NBD.

BruddaMSK · 2023-02-13T20:09:22+00:00

No that wouldn’t matter as long as he’s responsible with money. Like I don’t wanna date a guy with obsessive spending habits

uglysaladisugly · 2023-02-13T20:14:12+00:00

Who cares....

RRBeachFG2 · 2023-02-13T23:18:20+00:00

They aren’t going to fall for this

bluestjuice · 2023-02-13T20:30:05+00:00

All of that is in alignment with my own preferences for dating and lifestyle finance splits, so that’s not a problem. I do like getting some gifts though in an ongoing relationship so if there is none of that happening in the context of our relationship that could potentially be an issue.

My financial relationship style is to be fiercely egalitarian to the point where I have to tell very gift-oriented partners to back it the fuck off, haha. Too much spending on me in the early stages of dating makes me really uncomfortable.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2023-02-13T22:28:48+00:00

People change and figure out that what they did in past relationships doesn't work for them anymore. Maybe it never worked, but they realized it after some time. Personally, I don't care for expensive gifts, so the issue here wouldn't be the price. If he never got me even a small gift from time to time, say some chocolate or donuts, but constantly got other people things, whether big or small, I would be hurt. But then again, I'd be hurt if he didn't do that regardless if he did it for other people or not. I find small little gifts to be a nice way to show you're thinking about that person. If I'm at the store and I see the candy my husband likes, I'll pick some up for him and he does similar stuff for me as well.

MorganSeer · 2023-02-13T22:47:50+00:00

I wouldn’t give it a second thought. Why bother?

fakingandnotmakingit · 2023-02-14T01:09:06+00:00

Eh I don't care.

Listen, it's all about what he does with me now and whether I am happy with the current arrangement now

And honestly spending a lot on a precious partner, realising that it was a waste of money or deciding that the whole "provider" thing doesn't work him and not repeating that mistake again seems pretty fair imho

badgersonice · 2023-02-14T01:46:12+00:00

I wouldn’t want to date a guy who’d buy me expensive gifts, jewelry, iPhones and stuff anyways? That’s not really my thing.

My assumption is that he probably learned that’s kinda shallow and attracts shallow women, or maybe realized it was a bad dating strategy and changed tack. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person, but it does suggest he’s probably not good with money, and wouldn’t be compatible with me. I’m pretty frugal.

And, since I know this is, as usual for this sub, an n-count analogy, I’ll also mention that I have a low n-count, and I don’t want a reformed promiscuous dude, either. Not my style, and we wouldn’t get along.

Or maybe this is about anal— same thing. Nope.

womandatory · 2023-02-14T02:56:45+00:00

This question has been done to death.

Fwiw, money is not the same degrading sex acts.

HighestTierMaslow · 2023-02-14T04:41:13+00:00

Im now married to a guy where I had this setup.

His ex fiance was a more high maintenance bougie lifestyle chick. He spent alot more money on her than me. Because she required it and I am not like that so I dont. Gifts is my lowest rated love language. I think I may have had a moment of insecurity when I figured this out, but I quickly moved on from it once I realized he was more into me than he ever was into her even at the prime of their long relationship. There are so many other factors to consider here.

Jambi1913 · 2023-02-14T00:42:26+00:00

You’ll find most women don’t care as much about a man’s past as many men tend to care about a woman’s…

I would only care about this if the man kept talking about this ex positively or seemed to otherwise disrespect me. As long as I felt he was right for me and was giving me what I need to feel appreciated and cared for, it’s fine if he has learned from past mistakes giving too much to an ex/letting himself be taken advantage of. It’s a positive that he has established his boundaries and grown up.

Most women don’t understand why some men around here are obsessed with “consistency”. I find this perspective strange and deeply mistrustful of women - or like women are just pawns in the competition between men and don’t really have the status of being an individual with their own experiences and reasoning.

There’s a common idea around here that a woman who has ever in her life slept with a man “quickly” but then goes on to make it more of a rule to wait a few dates is being “inconsistent”. Or maybe she had an ex when she was 20 who used to pressure her to do anal so she gave in, but never liked it and she’s now more self-assured and has resolved to never allow herself to be pressured into a sex act she doesn’t fully want to do again…But this makes her “inconsistent” and means she gave her ex “more” and it’s “unfair” to say no to any man in future…It revolves all her decisions around the guy, leaving no room for her own individual experiences and feelings or that she may have realised that it wasn’t a good approach overall and has decided a better path for herself…

Women seem to perhaps see men as more individual and capable of making mistakes or misjudgements and learning from them - a natural progression in growing up and maturing. We don’t tend to view a man’s past behaviour so absolutely, so long as he is fulfilling to us now and seems to give no reason to doubt he will change this in future. This isn’t always a good idea - some red flags about a person’s past behaviour should not be easily accepted and I think too many women overlook bad signs - but it does allow men to be more individual and actually redeem themselves or change their behaviour.

I understand the appeal of the “blank slate” or “born sex yesterday” trope - a woman who is just seemingly tailored to you (because she is so “new”) with no past men to feel inferior to - but it’s so unrealistic. And it makes it seem like men view women like we’re ruined by normal human imperfections, inconsistencies and mistakes and are therefore never as good as we could have been - which is a depressing thought…A female Muslim friend of mine said something like this is prevalent in her culture: “A woman is like a white sheet of paper - any spot of ink and it’s ruined forever”.

trippingfingers · 2023-02-13T20:08:37+00:00

Does not matter.

UpbeatInsurance5358 · 2023-02-13T20:37:52+00:00

Ace, it means he's more invested in our relationship and possibly our future.

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-02-13T22:44:47+00:00

I don't do long distance relationships usually but assuming I did, it would not affect my relationship except to appreciate them more. Why?

I do not like expensive gifts, gifts of jewelry, gifts of technology, I like to buy those things for myself and will refuse gifts like that from most people, particularly dates or people I'm in a romantic situation with.

The only expensive gift I have not refused in this way is a hand-me-down vintage piece from a very skilled amateur audio guy. He was going to toss it, he knew I would appreciate it, he knew I wouldn't accept something new and expensive like this. It was honestly one of the sweetest gifts I've ever received, very thoughtful.

Someone giving expensive gifts to a previous person and not me would mean that they knew me and respected my wishes about gifts. That they treat all their partners as individuals with different tastes and predilections.

Green flag.

whybotherany · 2023-02-14T01:42:38+00:00

Would not matter. That’s why I make my own money - I can buy myself the stuff I want. My partners are there because I enjoy them as people.

I would probably judge the last lady honestly for being shallow and I would have some questions about my partners character if he’s will to basically bribe a woman into being with him.

BruddaMSK · 2023-02-14T02:10:35+00:00

Nope. I would never accept thos gifts in the first place. Expensive gifts make me uncomfortable.

BreezyBritt89 · 2023-02-14T05:16:32+00:00

Sounds like his ex was a broke bitch who couldn’t score nice things on her own. Poor gal.

Serious answer: doesn’t affect me now what he did with the last one. Hopefully he has the same mindset.

y2kjanelle · 2023-02-14T09:05:22+00:00

It doesn’t matter what he did for his ex, it matters what he does for me. It matters WHO he is.

Gifts, iPhones, jewelry, whatever, it doesn’t matter what he got for her, she may have liked or appreciated thst and it’s not my business what his past is unless it directly affects our future or is criminal.

Maybe what I want is someone who puts thought into their gifts, not the money they spent on it. Someone who texts me all the time and is genuine with me. Who travels with me to places I actually mentioned wanting to go to. Who picks up the slack when I can’t.

Everyone likes being treated, but we can’t all agree on what that means.

Most households have both people in the relationship contributing financially. The sugar daddy life you’re describing is for the extremely wealthy.

Princess treatment comes in all forms. Shouldn’t I get to choose what that means to me?

WYenginerdWY · 2023-02-14T09:14:51+00:00

Will that affect your relationship or anything else or it wouldn't matter for you?

Well I can say one thing for sure - it wouldn't make me immediately think of anal or sex on the first date or whatever other sexual action you're imagining being withheld that would somehow equal a physical consumer product like jewelry or an iphone in the mind of a redpiller.

Since that's the barely veiled insinuation here, yes?

BusinessGarage2606 · 2023-02-14T10:34:35+00:00

That's dependent. Whyte did he do that? Was he afraid that this is the only way to keep her? Did he have low self esteem? Was he super young and didn't know any better? Was he manipulated and coerced? Wat was the woman like?

If yes then I wouldn't have any problem with that. People grow, learn and change. I used to be a huge doormat. I allowed people to use me, lost a lot of money. I don't give any money to my new friends anymore. Should they be mad at me that I don't let them use me?

Some-Web-1213 · 2023-02-14T12:45:10+00:00

I would not even notice because I simply don’t care.

That__EST · 2023-02-14T15:31:31+00:00

I've said this several times before but in my husband's previous relationship he travelled a lot and did a lot of Instagram worthy things with his ex girlfriend because she was very much into that. It also got him into an eye watering amount of debt that he was at the tail end of paying off when he and I started dating. Now he had been my friend before this relationship with his ex even started so I knew his real personality, but after talking to him about his ex and how the experience impacted him, he admitted that he felt used by her and that the relationship only seemed to be good when the cash was flowing and she was getting the dopamine hits on social media and constantly travelling or planning trips. It was unsustainable and he learned a valuable lesson that money doesn't grow on trees and debt accrues quickly.

Now we're married and have traveled maybe three times on big trips like they did, and also have deleted our social media. But don't pull out the world's tiniest violin for me because I am not really bothered by it. When I need something in a relationship or a friendship, I speak up and expect to be taken seriously.

So if I was content with paying 50/50 with a partner and then found out that he used to do something else with another woman, my first thought wouldn't be that I wanted what she had, because the wheels fell off of that relationship for some reason. I'd either speak up, or the way that I "found out" about this would have already explained why I didn't want this scenario in my relationship.

Diddy_1978 · 2023-02-14T20:09:15+00:00

Nope. I literally don’t care about money.

chikiinugget · 2023-02-14T21:10:15+00:00

Gift giving and paying dates is an important aspect for me so I don’t date men who won’t do that off the bat. Since something like that is important to me, there are other aspects that aren’t. So I wouldn’t care exactly about how many times he cooked for his ex. If I don’t care about cooking then I don’t care how that was done in his past relationship. It’s the same concept for women who don’t care about gifts or like splitting 50/50. If it’s not important to them then why would they care about what their partner did with their ex.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2023-02-15T03:38:15+00:00

for the 6938754th time, if gifts, paid for dates and being supported were important to me I WOULD NOT BE WITH A MAN WHO DIDNT DO THOSE THINGS FOR ME. no amount of what a man did for or with other women matters to me, what matters to me is him fulfilling MY needs, desires and relationship style, right now, in the present when I'M dating him. this obsession with the past is baffling to me

Alert_Many_1196 · 2023-02-16T02:08:52+00:00

No it wouldn't.

_Mythic_Punk_ · 2023-02-13T20:16:13+00:00

I wouldn't go dutch

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jellyroll8 · 2023-02-13T20:35:00+00:00

These comments are weird and feel like cope. If a guy did this to me, it would definitely make me feel like shit. One girl is worth gifts but for some reason I'm not? The point isn't the material gifts, it's the thought and effort he put into the other girl that he does not put into you.

GooseneckRoad · 2023-02-13T23:03:04+00:00

In this situation, I wouldn't care about anything that went on in his past relationship. Seems to me he just got better at spending his money wisely and became more secure in himself. I don't want expensive gifts anyway, but that's not really the point. Fact is, people change and his behavior towards others has nothing to do with me. Now, if he was still in LOVE with his ex, that would obviously be a problem, but otherwise, who cares?

nemma88 · 2023-02-14T00:10:36+00:00

My husband bought a thousands-of-pounds holiday for his ex when her affection was waning. She broke up with him and he took a friend instead, but the sentiment was all the same.

I'm fine buying my own holidays. I do not doubt his love and care for me, I don't need to test him. I could manipulate the situation, his feelings, create insecurity (yay dread!) and take take take, but that's not the partner I want to be. I try not to hurt people I don't even know for personal gain, never mind those I love.

Safinated · 2023-02-14T00:49:35+00:00

That’s fine? I would want to know why, though

KikiYuyu · 2023-02-14T02:26:27+00:00

I would wonder why, so I would ask him about it. It wouldn't be something that immediately upset me, I would need to know the reason. If he just changed the way he handles his finances, that's totally fair.

Novadina · 2023-02-14T02:26:28+00:00

No, I don’t care really about things like expensive gifts, and if he found that wasn’t working for him, it makes sense he’d change it. I want an egalitarian relationship and would want someone who wants that also, so by changing more towards that it sounds good to me.

If I did care about expensive gifts, then it would be something I care about, regardless of anything he did in the past, and I wouldn’t date someone who didn’t do it if I cared that much.

MistyMaisel · 2023-02-14T02:39:43+00:00

I'm in this situation more or less. It means nothing to me. They were frivolous, foolish, entitled, and stupid bints. There's a reason he's no longer with them and he's with me.

If they were so fantastic, he'd still be their bankroll. I'm pleased whenever he spends anything on me. I really don't care about money either.

Gilmoregirlin · 2023-02-14T02:57:20+00:00

I actually paid more because I made more but my would spend a lot on nice gifts for me . Did she make less than you? Or maybe he does not think you like those things or he got burned by his ex and it has something to do with the expensive gifts ? Men are a lot more sensitive than we give them credit for. Comparing past relationships is never a good idea. But if it bothers you talk to him.

k_aevitas · 2023-02-14T04:18:54+00:00

It would depend on the context of WHY he did all those things. Since you said he specifically said that's not what he wanted in the end, and he learned a lesson that he didn't want to date without a 50/50 arrangement I Guess, I wouldn't care much

However if I found out he spent tons on her , treated her better somehow, genuinely didn't mind doing it yet he demands 50/50 out of me and expects it, that's different.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2023-02-14T05:29:11+00:00

I cannot imagine this. The fucker won't stop buying me expensive shit. I set a $20 limit he gives me something that fits and then a "just because present" to skirt the rules. The man cannot be stopped.

hostility_kitty · 2023-02-14T08:25:17+00:00

I wouldn’t date a guy who went 50/50 in the first place.

Andre27 · 2023-02-14T09:17:32+00:00

Women arent going to be bothered by this the same way men are. The FnF idea of women looking at a mans future and men at a womans past seems to be completely correct for the most part.

There is also the fact that women more naturally buy into bluepill ideas like "they chose you and want to be with you now". So they arent bothered by the fact that you gave more of yourself to past partners than you give them, as long as you are with them and loyal to them now.

This does not mean that men need to act the same way. Men obviously dont care about bluepill platitudes like that, and do care about a woman past. And there is no reason for men to emulate women in this.

Sophiatab · 2023-02-14T14:44:48+00:00

This issue wouldn't occur for me. I would not date a guy who wanted to go "Dutch:.

MC-Purp · 2023-02-15T02:44:03+00:00

Another one of these? Stop trying to get women to relate to the feeling of “she let Chad do anal, but not me”. It won’t work, because it’s constantly reframed and something it’s not nearly as visceral. You have a better chance by breaking it down to its core components, and maybe, asking the question in good faith.

SAKK98 · 2023-02-18T17:51:37+00:00

I don't care how much he spent on his previous relationship as long as he is loving, caring and committed to me. I don't expect expensive gifts but if he never gives me any gifts at all especially on birthdays, anniversaries etc then that would be a problem as I would assume he doesn't care about me. I like giving gifts to people on special days so I would like to receive them in return.

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