I want to talk about gaslighting in dating and relationships because it’s not only something pathological narcissists do. Actually, the majority of men do it and it is something so deeply rooted in our culture that most of the time, women don’t even notice they’re being gaslighted.

Here’s the thing:

Women are socially conditioned to collaborate and empathize. When our partner communicates his needs (at least, in a normal way) we simply look for ways to accommodate those. Most men on the other hand, with their fragile masculinity, are taught to always prove their masculinity by showing how different they are from women. Aka avoiding talking about or showing emotions altogether or avoiding the ‘soft stuff’ their female partners expect from them.

The epitome of emasculation would be to be controlled by a woman, being ‘a doormat’. So this idea frightens most men. Which leaves them with the dilemma: control them, or be controlled.

That’s why, whenever you’re trying to communicate your needs with a man or asking him to stop certain hurtful behaviour, chances are he will hop right into defense mode. He’ll blame you for nagging too much, being too emotional, being controlling, irrational, crazy, oversensitive etc. The persistence of this gender stereotype that women are these irrational, overdramatic beings definitely strengthens him in that.

Notice how 75 percent of the time when you’re trying to put something on the table with a man, the focus immediately is redirected to your personal flaws? And notice how, when and IF they eventually give in, they don’t see it as a problem that’s been fixed but as a battle they just lost? As instances where they had to sacrifice self respect? And rest assured, they WILL keep track of those lost battles and they WILL retaliate.

Every dispute turns into a battle they have to win. Because if they don’t, they’re ‘weak’, ‘inferior’, or worse… Unmanly.

The intensity or extent of the gaslighting may vary, but it usually occurs in situations where the woman is asking for communication, time together, helping her with something, to stop doing something that’s hurting her, emotional closeness, etc. You’re trying to communicate about these things that are completely normal and they will make you feel crazy for it.

Here's some excellent examples of gaslighting:

  • You’re too sensitive.
  • Listen to yourself, you’re losing it.
  • You’re so childish.
  • You're the first one to make a problem out of this.
  • Here you go with your irrational stuff again.
  • I’m not arguing. I’m trying to talk sense into you.
  • You’re crazy, out of your mind.
  • Everybody knows how controlling you are.
  • So I’m late, get over it. Are we going out or not?
  • You’re always making things up.
  • You’re taking out what your ex did on me.

And eventually, it starts messing with your head and you actually feel (and act) crazy… By design.

I actually feel sane and it's probably the first time in my life I felt sane for so long. In my relationships I felt like I was crazy All. The. Time. Recently I tried dating someone and when I called him out for doing something super inconsiderate, he did that thing where he tried to redirect the spotlight to the way in which I called him out. That’s when I remembered how it felt, and when I realized that I haven’t felt crazy for 10 months (the current duration of my singlehood). Safe to say we're not talking anymore.

That's why no reaction often is the best reaction.

This is why you need a truth commission, like Oprah does. Talk about the fights you have and ask them if you are indeed out of line. I bet 99% of the time, you're not.

Also, never trust a man who says his exes are crazy. Because even if it’s true, he probably gaslighted them into insanity.

You’re not too emotional. You’re not nagging. Stay woke, sis.

Thank you @PinkFurLookinLikeCam for inspiring me to make a post out of this.

Source: Dr. Athena Staik